Was it the abuse or something else? Just move on? - 05/31/16 01:45 PM
Hi brand new here. Been reading this website for 1 year, first post. I'm sorry it's so long. Cliffs notes in bold.
Ok, Married 10 years, been together 15 years. No kids. Under pressure he was always arrogant and aggressive, but I loved that because I was submissive and cowardly. I thought he would protect me from the world. Eventually there was physical abuse (PA) in addition to him calling me names when I made mistakes or asserted myself. The marriage took place after the PA, and the PA didn't stop after the marriage (I thought it would). In all, I was happy with him (or told myself I was) and was so grateful for everything he did and let me do. We had like a father-daughter relationship. He wants to have kids but I kept putting it off because of his temper, and testosterone decreases every year, I thought eventually he would stop having tirades at every stressful event big and small. I thought the longer I put off having kids with him the better a father he will be, because he has wonderful qualities too.
1 year ago I met a woman who I was attracted to "in that way" and he let me be with her as long as I kept the house clean and continued being his wife. But when she treated me with kindness, instead of controlling and selfish demands and angry outbursts, I immediately fell in love with her. I don't know if I'm gay or not.
But when I fell in love with her, it made me realize the whole time just how angrily and meanly he has treated me and I've been putting up with it. Also, when I kissed her the first time I felt "alive" for the first time or like I've been asleep since my early 20's... I'm not sure if it was because I'm gay because I've read that every heterosexual affair you "feel alive" too. But I felt a crack in my very foundation and I haven't been the same since.
At first he made fun of me, saying she "kisses my ____" and making fun of me for having feelings towards her because she treats me nicely.
But then as time went on, he realized how serious it was and about 6 months later started being "nice" to me too. But to me, it was all an act, because I know how he'd treated me our entire relationship. I was starting to see a gay therapist, and an abuse counselor, and for the first time ever I acknowledged to people outside my marriage that he had hit me, once or twice kicked me, and one time choked me during our marriage. It made me sad and I read ***EDIT*** It said that I should go because he abused me more than twice. (He never apologized or acknowledged it afterward)
So I confronted him and he cried and said he was sorry for the first time ever, and he would not do it again and would go to therapy. But later backed out and never went to therapy.
Then I aggravated him at the wrong time, and he hit me again, kicked me, said he should kill me, he wasn't sorry, and next time it will be much worse. I took pictures of myself because this time he left marks on my face.
So I made an escape plan to leave. Then he said he would go to counseling, (like before) but I already had my plan. I left and haven't spoken to him since.
I still don't know what happened. Was it a bad marriage from the start? He only hit or did PA once every 1-2 years. Or was it my fault of the affair? Or should I have given him more chances and broken up with her? I don't know if I'm gay or not but I feel things for her emotionally and sexually I never felt with him.. but they say people in affairs rewrite history and make out their marriage to be worse than it was to justify themselves. Did I do the right thing? Is there a right thing or are we all on our own with our decisions and choices? Any other thoughts? I see on this site it says to "remove yourself from a physical abuse situation" but it doesn't say you should move on or divorce specifically. Do I have to be tied to him forever because I married him? I don't regret the marriage just the abuse. But I don't want to return because I will just never feel safe after the last incident.
I am still going to the abuse counselor. I feel like I met her and lost control of my life completely... all I wanted was to be with her and I lost interest in him and my future with him overnight. I am confused as to what happened to me, why I became a different person, or is it always who I was and I was suppressing myself? I don't feel regret, just guilt and remorse for leaving the way I did and not giving him another chance. But I would have been staying because he wanted me to, and not because I wanted to. Any thoughts or opinions.. thank you!
Ok, Married 10 years, been together 15 years. No kids. Under pressure he was always arrogant and aggressive, but I loved that because I was submissive and cowardly. I thought he would protect me from the world. Eventually there was physical abuse (PA) in addition to him calling me names when I made mistakes or asserted myself. The marriage took place after the PA, and the PA didn't stop after the marriage (I thought it would). In all, I was happy with him (or told myself I was) and was so grateful for everything he did and let me do. We had like a father-daughter relationship. He wants to have kids but I kept putting it off because of his temper, and testosterone decreases every year, I thought eventually he would stop having tirades at every stressful event big and small. I thought the longer I put off having kids with him the better a father he will be, because he has wonderful qualities too.
1 year ago I met a woman who I was attracted to "in that way" and he let me be with her as long as I kept the house clean and continued being his wife. But when she treated me with kindness, instead of controlling and selfish demands and angry outbursts, I immediately fell in love with her. I don't know if I'm gay or not.
But when I fell in love with her, it made me realize the whole time just how angrily and meanly he has treated me and I've been putting up with it. Also, when I kissed her the first time I felt "alive" for the first time or like I've been asleep since my early 20's... I'm not sure if it was because I'm gay because I've read that every heterosexual affair you "feel alive" too. But I felt a crack in my very foundation and I haven't been the same since.
At first he made fun of me, saying she "kisses my ____" and making fun of me for having feelings towards her because she treats me nicely.
But then as time went on, he realized how serious it was and about 6 months later started being "nice" to me too. But to me, it was all an act, because I know how he'd treated me our entire relationship. I was starting to see a gay therapist, and an abuse counselor, and for the first time ever I acknowledged to people outside my marriage that he had hit me, once or twice kicked me, and one time choked me during our marriage. It made me sad and I read ***EDIT*** It said that I should go because he abused me more than twice. (He never apologized or acknowledged it afterward)
So I confronted him and he cried and said he was sorry for the first time ever, and he would not do it again and would go to therapy. But later backed out and never went to therapy.
Then I aggravated him at the wrong time, and he hit me again, kicked me, said he should kill me, he wasn't sorry, and next time it will be much worse. I took pictures of myself because this time he left marks on my face.
So I made an escape plan to leave. Then he said he would go to counseling, (like before) but I already had my plan. I left and haven't spoken to him since.
I still don't know what happened. Was it a bad marriage from the start? He only hit or did PA once every 1-2 years. Or was it my fault of the affair? Or should I have given him more chances and broken up with her? I don't know if I'm gay or not but I feel things for her emotionally and sexually I never felt with him.. but they say people in affairs rewrite history and make out their marriage to be worse than it was to justify themselves. Did I do the right thing? Is there a right thing or are we all on our own with our decisions and choices? Any other thoughts? I see on this site it says to "remove yourself from a physical abuse situation" but it doesn't say you should move on or divorce specifically. Do I have to be tied to him forever because I married him? I don't regret the marriage just the abuse. But I don't want to return because I will just never feel safe after the last incident.
I am still going to the abuse counselor. I feel like I met her and lost control of my life completely... all I wanted was to be with her and I lost interest in him and my future with him overnight. I am confused as to what happened to me, why I became a different person, or is it always who I was and I was suppressing myself? I don't feel regret, just guilt and remorse for leaving the way I did and not giving him another chance. But I would have been staying because he wanted me to, and not because I wanted to. Any thoughts or opinions.. thank you!