So about 3 months ago now, my wife randomly out of nowhere told me she wanted a separation. When I say out of nowhere, it was, we hadn�t had a fight in nearly a month, and we were never the type of couple to fight that much anyways. To say I was blindsided would be an understatement. Two weeks before all of this happened, we were looking at buying a house together, THAT is how out of the blue his was. So of course you could imagine that I handled it badly, I begged, I pleaded, she agreed to go to marriage counseling, which was a waste of time btw. Well turns out, my darling wife had been seeing someone else. In her words �she developed feelings that she never had before for this guy�. This guy is quite a bit older than her, 13 years to be exact. He�s recently divorced, has a kid, the whole nine yards. Now I�m not sure when the affair started between them, she as far as I knew never contacted him before we got our new puppy back in January. He hasn�t moved been moved in that long either maybe about 6/7 months.

Now when she told me about the guy, I did some immature and petty [censored]. I took a screenshot of the text, and posted it on Facebook. You see, she was not only lying to me about it, but she was also lying to all of our friends, and even her own mother. So I wanted to bust that lie. Now that came at a cost, bc of that she refuses to talk to me, she has me blocked on all social media, she�s even changed her phone number. I can�t communicate with her at all.

Since then I have found out a lot of stuff from one of her friends that I guess felt bad for me. She�s told me that the weekend after my wife filed for divorce she took this guy to Savannah, GA. That was OUR vacation spot that we went too for our anniversary. She has since moved in with this guy, but she is still paying for our apartment. She basically uses our apartment as storage, that�s all.

So she�s filed for divorce and our divorce is finalized. I didn�t fight it once I found out about the other man. But I�m hurting, I feel lost and I would be lying if the thought of suicide hadn�t came across my mind. This [censored] is so unfair, I get kicked out of my home, my ex wife cheated on me and LEFT me for the guy, and I�m the one trying to figure out which was is up and which way is down. I knew we hadn�t problem, every relationship does, but I just didn�t think they were THIS bad.

I want her to wake up from this fairytale she�s in, but I don�t think she ever will. Is there anything I can do to win her back? What can I do to move on?

Also, I�m 26, she is 24, the POS other man is 37.

Hi Bulldawg, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am very sorry this happened to you. It appears that your wife had very loose boundaries with men, which led to an affair. You did the right thing in posting her text and letting friends and family know about her affair. It's wrong to have an affair, not wrong to expose it. Everyone should know the truth and you did the right thing.

Since you are young and don't have much invested in this marriage [especially children] I would strongly suggest you cut the cord and start dating other people. Be choosy and make sure you don't end up with someone who has bad marriage habits, such as opposite sex friendships and loose boundaries around men. You can find someone that you love who loves you back. Don't waste any more time pining away for your Xwife. It is a waste of valuable time you could be spending dating more appropriate people. Sorry for your pain.

The pain is temporary, but suicide is forever. Please call the Suicide Hotline and talk to someone: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255

Hi, Bulldawg. I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

It is possible to win back a spouse after an affair. Even after divorce, but it can be harder at that point.

If you want to move on, the best advice we can give you is to never see or talk to her again. Build a new life that is fulfilling to you with things in it that you look forward to every day. Maybe move to a new town. I have a friend in my town whose wife jumped up and moved to another state a couple years ago. For months we told him she was having an affair, and finally just as their divorce was finalized he found out she was. He has moved on and built a new life and looks pretty happy.

If you want to try to win your wife back, the material on this site can definitely help with that.

Either way, check out Dr. Harley's internet radio show - it's extremely helpful and educational, and I'm sure he'd be glad to talk to you on the show: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

I would prefer to try and get her back.
But everything I�ve seen has told me she has to want to reconcile as well.

I fear that as long as she�s with this guy there will be no chance in doing that.

If you have felt suicidal, the best thing for you to do for your own health is to move on from her.
Find something new in your life that you can enjoy.

Why not try going out on a few dates with a few fun girls? There are a lot of good ones out there. Try that for a few months, then see how you feel.

That's a very true point - you need to get healed and healthy. Keeping her in your life is going to make things worse before they get better, if they ever do.

Well the suicidal thoughts mainly happened during the beginning stages. Counseling has helped out a lot in that regard.

In all honesty I�m use to not talkin to her now, like I�ve said she�s blocked and changed her number, so I can�t talk to her even if I wanted too. I�m extremely worried that she has BPD, the marriage counselor was the first one to suggest this to me, and after reading up on it, I�m convinced she has it.

But idk I love her, she was my wife, and at one point she loved me. I just feel like I failure if I quit.

You'd be surprised how often that is said about the average wayward. Read about how adulterers act while they are in affair fog.

In your situation, getting back together with your ex wife is probably not the best thing for you. It has only been 3 months since you discovered the affair, you are probably still in an emotional roller coaster. In time, you might change your mind.

If you want your wife back after the affair has died, it is wise not to date for 2 years after the divorce. It is likely the affair will end within 2 years. Meanwhile, take good care of yourself and focus on your health and career. Become the best man you can be. If you still want to get back with her you after the affair has died, you will have a lot to offer. If not, you will be an attractive partner for a good, honest woman. Reading "buyers, renters and freeloaders" will give you ideas on how to select a good partner.

You would only be a failure if you wasted any more of your life chasing a dead dream. Your marriage is over. You have a chance now to create a fantastic life with someone who would treat you well. Why not create a better future for yourself?

Have you seen this? Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Well the thing is, she�s always had really bad anxiety, like I�m talking about if another woman liked something I posted on Facebook she would come home, accuse me of talking to someone behind her back bc no one just randomly likes things on Facebook. She also had this irrational fear that I would leave her, literally NO amount of comforting her ever helped her. She grew up as an only child, she never knew her real father. The man she considers to be her father, her ex step dad, her mom divorced him, she always told me she never forgave her mom for that.

Idk i by no means am I saint. After about 5 years of this I started getting angry. It showed me that I do in fact have anger issues. At first that was the reason she said she wanted a divorce, was bc our relationship became toxic, keep in mind I didn�t know about the OM yet. She only told me about him AFTER she filed for divorce.

And will their relationship ever end, I mean even if we never get back together and fix things, I want her to be happy. I really do, but I do not want her to be happy with a man that destroyed my marriage. Everyone keeps telling me that their relationship won�t last, but I mean she�s already moved in with him. Like I�ve seriously been replaced. I wouldn�t wish this on my worst enemy. She hasn�t once reached out to me, it�s like I�m dead to her.

Just feels like I�ve wasted 6 years of my life on this woman, got married to her, and all for her to have an affair and leave me. It just feels like the woman I married is gone, and she�s been replaced by whatever is living in her body.

Most affairs die naturally after 2 years.
5% of affairs continue past that point.
Of that 5%, only 30% survive.

The chances of her staying with this guy are very slim.

If you wanted to wait 2 years for affair to die, you could do that.
But spend those 2 years making a great life for yourself.

DATE. I'm willing to bet once you date a few sweet girls, you will begin to see what you've been missing. Life will be better for you.

yep!!

You are already getting great advice....

In addition to giving up the OP and taking steps to never see or hear from them again, cheaters have to make radical lifestyle changes. They need to give up opposite sex friendships. They need to adhere to Extraordinary Precautions. They need to become radically honest. They need to become transparent. Etc.

Children and long marital history is usually what will help motivate a person to make all of these changes. Not only does it motivate the wayward spouse - but it also motivates the BS because recovery (even if the WS agrees to all of these changes) is very difficult.

I would advise any person that I care about in my life to RUN if they are in a short marriage with no children and their spouse has an affair.

Thanks guys, @markos I�m definitely going to check out what you linked.

Anything that can help me get through this emotionally draining roller coaster I�m on please send it my way. I really just never thought this would happen to me, which I guess is why I�m struggling so hard to accept that it did happen.

My father has also said that their relationship won�t last, and when it falls apart she will more than likely come crawling back, BUT that I would be a fool to take her back.

But thanks guys for all the advice. Any advice y�all could give on keeping the mind from wandering. When I�m working out/ at work I almost never think about this. But when I�m at home alone, good god the mind movies that go through my head are unbearable.

Don't make it 7 years.
For now, take care of yourself, become a better you.
These folks are giving you great advice, keep telling yourself that you will get through this, and you will be better than you were before.

Keeping working out, make it a habit if you haven't. Try to hang out with male friends, if they are busy and you fear that idle time, maybe workout longer than before to tire yourself out before bed. Maybe look into a community ed class if you have interest you put off. Maybe make plans to go fishing with your dad or a friend.
Don't forget to eat, get 7-8 hours sleep.

You should listen to your dad - he's got your interests at heart.

Almost everybody who has been the victim of an affair has felt something like that. An affair is truly an addiction and turns the wayward spouse into another person.

Yeah it does feel like it�s an addiction for her. That�s really the only way I know how to describe it. I mean I don�t even want to pretend to know what goes on in someone else�s mind. But she was living with this guy almost immediately after she filed for divorce. That�s just mind boggling to me.

I got the whole I love you but not in love with you speech. The whole I�ve lost who I am speech. Wanting to see what life without me will be like speech. All of them. How she was unhappy for months, even though we were looking at houses to buy two weeks before all this happened. Not once did she ever say anything about being unhappy. She wasn�t distant with me, we were still having sex on a regular basis, still talking like we normally talked. All of it was just way out of nowhere.

Then 10 days after I get the whole I love you but not in love with you, she files. 10 freaking days to process that the life I knew and the woman I loved was gone.

I can�t even begin to describe the levels of hurt and betrayal I feel.

But what�s done is done I guess, and no matter how much I wish all of this would be undone, it�s not gonna happen.

Like LMH said don't forget to sleep. Fill your time as best you can but make it meaningful and productive. Don't let yourself get bogged down. Easier said than done trust me.
But those alone times are tough. I started working and staying late more but since my mind wasn't engaged in it like I used to be I started worked out more and spent more time with family and friends, started a couple hobbies, doing things for me I put off.
It's extremely hard but again make sure your doing anything to make a better you don't start making bad decisions and lose yourself.

Well just an update. My ex wife has started posting pictures of them together on social media, I just found this out from a friend since I�m blocked.

Seems like me exposing the affair to everyone I know and her mother did nothing to kill it.

Well I guess it�s official, my wife doesn�t feel bad nor care about what she�s done. Her actions have finally shown me that.

I guess it�s time for even more detaching.

In an active affair, your WW is not going to feel bad or have remorse. Even in some recovered marriages, some wives who have had affairs do not feel remorse. So it is futile for you to focus on her feelings of remorse.

I think you are getting excellent advice to move on. You are very young and had a short marriage with no children. You are officially divorced with no opportunity to woo your wife back since she has divorced and cut off all contact with you. Your best option here is to Plan B (cut off all contact with her, this includes asking your friends to stop telling you about her or telling you what she puts on her social media) and move on.

I would encourage you to read the material on this site however. You talk about having anger issues, this is very very bad for relationships and marriage. I would encourage you to read how to have a strong relationship, how to keep romantic love alive and avoid hurting each other. This will be invaluable in helping you choose the right mate next time, and to be the best mate you can be too.

Quick update for you guys, I�m looking for help as well.

Sooo it�s been about 2 months since I�ve last contacted my ex wife. 3 months since I�ve seen her. I was served protection order papers at work last night (the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me).

Upon reading the reasons why she �feels her safety is in danger� are mostly lies. There was 1 thing in the Numerous things she listed that were true. After going no contact and laying low for the past two months, I�ve decided to join the Air Force, my recruiter got in contact with me earlier today telling me that as long as I have a restraining order on me I can�t join. I�m suppose to be going to court next Thursday, planning on speaking to my lawyer Monday.

Is there any way I can sue her for perjury? How hard is it to fight a restraining order? I�m actually at a loss for words that this happened considering how I haven�t contacted her in so long. I thought all this was behind me, but low and behold here comes more [censored] thrown into the fire.


Any advice you guys have?

Bulldawg,

Listen closely. I've been through all you have been through, just like many other people here. I was unbelievably committed to my ex-wife, and the fact that she was narcissistic and selfish in her affair didn't seem to phase me, I wanted her back. I simply couldn't understand or process what happened.

That was 2012, and now I'm super thankful to not be married to her. She has only gotten more narcissistic and selfish. Like you, I tried to do the right thing, I tried to win her back, I tried to meet her needs, but she didn't want me to meet her needs, she wanted to be a renter (you did read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders as Brainhurts suggested, right?) and I'm a buyer.

If I could go back and tell my former self what I know now, I would say quit wasting time, she will always be looking for another man and lying, hurry up the divorce and move on. Of course I can't tell my former self, but I can tell you, and it would be wise for you to listen.

You don't have any kids with this woman, you can actually walk away and no longer be subject to her choices which are obviously not good for you. I wasn't so lucky, I had to deal with my ex telling my kids that I need to buy them games/motorcycles/trucks, and when I told them they should earn it themselves, she convinced them to live with her, and now I mail her a house payment every month and she is the hero at my expense.

I could write a book on why moving on is the right choice, but if you are anything like me, you will struggle to hear it. So I'll tell you what to do:

1. Go read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders and really think about what a committed person that isn't full of baggage looks like. Your spouse picker is broke, you need to fix it.

2. Get to the gym and work on the best you that you can be. Seriously, you are going to start dating at some point, and you want to be strong and confident, and the gym helps.

3. Learn something new. Pick up a camera and learn photography. Get your pilots license. Run a marathon. Hike the closest mountain.

4. Understand what attractive is. A woman wants a man that can meet her needs, and she is usually attracted to a man that is capable, smart, and knows how to manage himself and take care of those whom he is committed to. If you can offer affection, conversation, be open and honest, along with be someone that people depend on, trust, and look up to, then finding a high quality woman that wants to meet your needs back that you can trust is only a matter of time.

I spent a lot of time working on myself, and had some dating ups and downs, but ultimately met a beautiful, loving, smart lady (she has a doctorate) that actually wants to know me, meets my needs amazingly well, and isn't full of drama or crazy. She is more thoughtful in a single day than my former spouse was for years, and I'm so thankful for her.

You need to stop pinning for a divorced woman that cheated on her husband and is now living with a looser, you need to start setting yourself up for meeting the much nicer/prettier/healthier woman that wants to be your wife.

ak

How was your meeting with your lawyer?

Actually everything went pretty good. We went to court this past Thursday.

It was thrown out. You see I haven�t spoken too or seen my ex wife in almost two months. Once the judge looked at the dates and asked her if I was arrested for any of this and she said no. Then he asked if she called the police during any of this, she said no. He then asked her if I contacted her in any way shape or form since our divorce was finalized, she said no. He then asked her well why are you trying to put a restraining order on your ex husband? She said well he knows I�ve moved in with my current boyfriend, he posted on Facebook so he�s either stalking me or having someone stalk me for him.

The judge then asked me how if I posted that. I said yes. He asked me how I knew that, I said well her own mother told me bc of how ashamed she is in her daughter.

He looked at my ex wife and told her I�m sorry you don�t have a case here I�m going to dismiss this.

It was very satisfying in all honesty. This was the first time throughout this entire process I won anything. I felt bad bc I do care about her, and I didn�t want her to get embarrassed in front of a court room full of people. But she did this all to herself.

Me feeling bad didn�t last long though, someone told me that right after she lost, she made a Facebook status talking about how it�s a shame someone can start rumors and harass someone and not get punished. Typical I lost in court, but I�m still right crap. I really can�t believe how delusional she is.

Maybe this was the first of many bubble bursting for her, but I doubt it. I�m 1,000% convinced she does not feel bad about her affair, even though I posted the screenshot of her admitting it to me via text on social media, she still denies it ever happened. I�m also 1,000% convinced there is no chance in ever fixing our marriage. 1. Bc I no longer have the desire too. 2. Bc she had shown just how petty she will be even when she is in the wrong.

My dad warned me after this, that she will probably try to come back into my life after her relationship with her older man ends, he told me I hope you have enough sense that if she tries to do that put a restraining order on her [censored].

And yes, I did read what you guys posted. I�ve realized that I was with a renter for a long time.

Bravo!!