Hello all,

I need wise advice. We�ve been married 14 years and have four kids together. We started out pretty rough and have had several serious challenges along the way.

I was told last week that she didn�t know what to do and was no longer my wife beyond the legal description. It hit me hard, and I�ve been broken hearted since. I�ve been trying to do the things that I�ve neglected but she says it makes things worse.

After reading this forum, I decided there was hope and that I wasn�t alone in this phenomenon. HOWEVER, both my wife and I suspect I have mild Asperger Syndrome, that has made a lot of relational things more difficult. I think it�s a convenient scapegoat, but everything seems to rest on this condition for her.

I�m fighting like hell, but feeling really discouraged as I don�t suspect an actual affair, and wonder if I made things worse today when I told her I wasn�t leaving the house to �separate.� Apart from other advice, we�ve been sleeping in separate rooms and have only had sex 6-8 times in the last two years. I had hoped she would eventually invite me back to her room for months, but now I�m devastated.

Please help!

Hello Buckeye, welcome to Marriage Builders. Why do you not suspect an affair? Have you actually investigated to find this out for a FACT?

I would also recommend you don't leave. If she wants to "separate" so badly, she is free to go, but you have no reason to do so. It is of no benefit to you whatsoever to "separate." NONE. It not only makes it very very hard to fix your marriage but it puts you in a BAD legal position when you abandon your family. Judges frown on that.

p.s. did she tell she loves you but is not in love with you?

Thanks for responding!

She said that when she broke it to me. She said �I still love you, but I just don�t know what to do.�

She flipped out on me when I said I wasn�t leaving. She said I had decided this all on my own. I told her I wanted our marriage to be fixed and wanted to have convictions.

Sometime back, we had been actively making friends as a sort of ministry. She met this guy, and my radar went off. However, she was completely open to any questions and wouldn�t spend time with him alone. It felt safe, despite my concerns. We�d been through an emotional affair before, so she was reassuring and cautious. But, now I feel like there�s an emotional connection there that has led to an attraction.

I texted him last week and told him that I was fighting for my wife and he said he was on my side 100%. When she found out, she was mad. I explained that he was supposed to be my friend and I wanted support, but that made me a little more concerned.

I�m having trouble coming up with ways to catch her in some act, and feel that she hasn�t probably gone that far anyhow.

Do you have any spyware on her devices?

She is very likely having an affair. The first thing you have to do is - QUIETLY - snoop on her and find out what is going on. There are many ways to spy, from hiring a PI to putting spyware on her cell phone. Whatever you do, don't ask her if she is having an affair and don't tell your friend you suspect this. Find out what is going on and come back and we can coach you on how to save your marriage.

You did the right thing in not moving out. That would be a very bad move!

Will do- thanks!

Hate to say it, but your situation probably isn't that unique. It is crazy how similar these situations are. Human nature is fascinating...

I would assume there is an affair, it's the case 80-90% of the time. The WS will try to hide it and keep an air of moral superiority about him/her, then once exposed, try to defend, excuse, explain, and rationalize why it's OK and not his/her fault. They will project onto you the things that they are doing wrong.

It seems like most want to live in fantasy land, and want to recruit you to be his or her chief assistant. For example, your spouse wants you to go separate. She doesn't want to take any action herself though, she just wants to run away from the hard stuff and jump into someone else's bed to cover up her feelings for you and feelings of guilt about what she's doing - she'll mask that with the excitement of a new relationship and avoid the hard stuff. She'll then keep you on the back burner, occasionally making sure you're still simmering, waiting, and ready in case she needs you. She'll manipulate you into being the husband she wants and making her life easy - this is called cake eating. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too.

She's meeting with some counselors from church today. I feel fairly confident that the other relationship is in an infancy, where she's devoted a great deal to imagining, but not much acting out.

I found out last night that she limited the ability to see her in "Find my iPhone," which seems to confirm a reason for suspicion. I've done what I can to monitor her, but will likely have to get more elaborate- I don't see me getting into her phone to install spyware...

Yea, it's good that she's meeting with counselors. The blocking her location is very bad. That screams affair...

You need to do much, much more to verify an affair. For example, you can install a hidden GPS on her car and put a voice activated recorder under her seat. Go read around the operation investigate forum for some tips. Don't give up so easy.


First off, it is always a mistake to ASSUME the state of an affair. This is why it is so critical for you to find out the facts on your own. I realize YOU WANT the relationship to be in its infancy, but wishful thinking is not truth.

And it is VERY BAD that she is meeting with counselors. Marriage counselors are damaging to marriages and have no earthly idea how to save marriages. You should do everything in your power to discourage this. What will you do, for example, if the counselor recommends a separation? Most counselors have no earthly idea how to save marriages and do not understand the fog that comes with an affair. As such, the C may very well advise that your wife "separate" which will likely ruin your marriage.

it is very hard to overcome the horrendous advice that typically comes from marriage counselors.

You need to verify an affair. What spyware do you have in place?

A friendly reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts. It is not a platform for personal philosophies. Please familiarize yourself with these concepts before you post to others. Thank you.

You need to verify an affair. What spyware do you have in place?[/quote

Unfortunately none, but a voice recorder placed in a strategic location. I have some other ideas, but I don�t see being able to get into her phone without breaking into it.