Being left how many times is too many - 10/18/20 06:33 PM
We have been married 20 years and much of it turbulent but that is because life isnt easy and we have raised two great kids 17 and 15 and our time has been consumed to them while unfortunately mostly not giving each other enough. Also when we fight we are both the same and say very cruel things to each other. This has caused a lot of baggage and hurt and it is hard to get on track as a result.
On January 3 my wife told me she was leaving me and had a place and there is nothing I can do to stop her. I didn't sleep for a few days straight and was a mess for most of that month she did end up going but things didn't go too well as my kids didn't really want to go with her for the most part and stayed in our family home with me I even helped her move things out and told her this was my final act of Love towards her as I realized she was very serious about following through on this. She came back about 2 weeks later and said she wanted to start new routines and being kind and loving to each other and turn the page and make an effort this time. Just lost it for about 2 or 3 days and then we went right back into old patterns and she began making plans to once again leave again but not really giving me full details just saying it is something she's working on and she will be doing at some point. This time she moved to another apartment that was much closer to our family home once again neither kid really bought into this very much and only my son went to stay with her about 25% of the time and my daughter did not go at all to stay overnight. I feel my wife and daughter have a codependent relationship and this was devastating to my wife and she was calling me and pressuring me and saying this isn't the way it's supposed to go typically kids come half time here halftime there and was somewhat playing on the finger at me saying I should be telling the kids to go there more. And she came back once again with the promise that we were going to really work at things but by this time I had been through a lot and was somewhat moving on with my plans of being single and had joined a couple of dating sites mostly just for support loneliness not really taking things far at all with it and this was found out and I think may have caused the second attempt at reconciliation to not go so well throughout the whole summer I was still kind of bitter and resentful and had a bit of a chip on my shoulder. About a month back after lots of reflection I told her I really wanted to make an effort and get things going in the right direction start going to dinners together and grow our relationship at that time I was told that we are not in repair mode anymore and that she's just here I raised the kids and that's it end of story. Some things besides her leaving me two times that I have always struggled with and would lead to my lack of trust and resentment are that over the last eight to ten years she has not worn her wedding ring she tells me it's because she doesn't like it also she constantly pushes me away and encourages me to go on trips by myself to mountain bike so she can have the place to herself says she looks forward to this and I should do it more often but regardless pushes me away any chances I try to offer to do things together with just me and her. a couple weeks ago she has told me she will never have sex with me again and I do believe that she means what she has said. At this point I am completely lost because it feels like I have grieved this relationship 2-3 times in 2020 alone and now it is in the same bad spot but this time I dont have any idea of what to do or try because all of my genuine efforts have been met with refusal and now that I am showing determination and strength to try to heal things and move forward that is turning her off even more and almost accelerating her plans away from me. I have always been a family first person and forgiving and loyal and willing to be patient and as I say treading water waiting for her but at this point she seems preoccupied with her work and her work friends who are all divorced and dating or living single lifes. I feel that she sees me now as a burden and just another child in her way and would rather be on her own and that our family is not worth fighting for.
For me again even though I feel like I have been here before I am uncertain of what to do and how to proceed. I am taking care of myself and going to gym a lot and my running group for social outings once a week but I need to be here for my kids and this situation is not good with one of us wantint to try and the other not and all of us seeing what is happening. Anyone else been here? Where does this go and how is this good to stay stuck like this or why is it better to grow on my own?
On January 3 my wife told me she was leaving me and had a place and there is nothing I can do to stop her. I didn't sleep for a few days straight and was a mess for most of that month she did end up going but things didn't go too well as my kids didn't really want to go with her for the most part and stayed in our family home with me I even helped her move things out and told her this was my final act of Love towards her as I realized she was very serious about following through on this. She came back about 2 weeks later and said she wanted to start new routines and being kind and loving to each other and turn the page and make an effort this time. Just lost it for about 2 or 3 days and then we went right back into old patterns and she began making plans to once again leave again but not really giving me full details just saying it is something she's working on and she will be doing at some point. This time she moved to another apartment that was much closer to our family home once again neither kid really bought into this very much and only my son went to stay with her about 25% of the time and my daughter did not go at all to stay overnight. I feel my wife and daughter have a codependent relationship and this was devastating to my wife and she was calling me and pressuring me and saying this isn't the way it's supposed to go typically kids come half time here halftime there and was somewhat playing on the finger at me saying I should be telling the kids to go there more. And she came back once again with the promise that we were going to really work at things but by this time I had been through a lot and was somewhat moving on with my plans of being single and had joined a couple of dating sites mostly just for support loneliness not really taking things far at all with it and this was found out and I think may have caused the second attempt at reconciliation to not go so well throughout the whole summer I was still kind of bitter and resentful and had a bit of a chip on my shoulder. About a month back after lots of reflection I told her I really wanted to make an effort and get things going in the right direction start going to dinners together and grow our relationship at that time I was told that we are not in repair mode anymore and that she's just here I raised the kids and that's it end of story. Some things besides her leaving me two times that I have always struggled with and would lead to my lack of trust and resentment are that over the last eight to ten years she has not worn her wedding ring she tells me it's because she doesn't like it also she constantly pushes me away and encourages me to go on trips by myself to mountain bike so she can have the place to herself says she looks forward to this and I should do it more often but regardless pushes me away any chances I try to offer to do things together with just me and her. a couple weeks ago she has told me she will never have sex with me again and I do believe that she means what she has said. At this point I am completely lost because it feels like I have grieved this relationship 2-3 times in 2020 alone and now it is in the same bad spot but this time I dont have any idea of what to do or try because all of my genuine efforts have been met with refusal and now that I am showing determination and strength to try to heal things and move forward that is turning her off even more and almost accelerating her plans away from me. I have always been a family first person and forgiving and loyal and willing to be patient and as I say treading water waiting for her but at this point she seems preoccupied with her work and her work friends who are all divorced and dating or living single lifes. I feel that she sees me now as a burden and just another child in her way and would rather be on her own and that our family is not worth fighting for.
For me again even though I feel like I have been here before I am uncertain of what to do and how to proceed. I am taking care of myself and going to gym a lot and my running group for social outings once a week but I need to be here for my kids and this situation is not good with one of us wantint to try and the other not and all of us seeing what is happening. Anyone else been here? Where does this go and how is this good to stay stuck like this or why is it better to grow on my own?