Feeling like a hypocrite...not sure where I belong anymore - 06/11/01 09:05 PM
I don't know if I belong here or even if I belong in Marriage Builders anymore.<P>For those that don't know any of my story and those who only know part of it let me give you a bit of a history:<P>Arik and I met in 1987, while we were both involved in a youth minisry ( I had decided to take some time off school to do this - I wanted to be a teacher), when he was 18 and I was 19 - the attraction was not instant but grew intense over a relatively short time. Dating was forbiden - we were supposed to foceussed on the ministry but we were young and wanted what we wanted.<P>We decdied to get married and did in 1989 - we were still so young. I gave up on school and Arik gave up the freedom of being a young man with no responsibility and dreams of persuing a writing career.<P>And so we embarked on our life together, with the full intention of being better than the people ( our parents ) who had gone before us.<BR>We both had (and still have) so many problems:<BR>He has huge anger management problems - he can be very cruel when he gets angry and has been. Because of his upbringing he doesn't know how to function in a normal relationship. He has been verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive to me. He also has depressive tendencies - he blames himself for my not completing school and many other things.<BR>I am a codependent. I have expended all that I am in trying to make him happy but have never quite succeeded. My lifelong motto seems to be "Things will be better when I can do "such and such" to make Arik happy" The problem with that is nothing ever does. He is unhappy on the inside and nothing external will fix that. I feel that all that I once was is slowing slipping away and soon there will be nothing left.<BR>Despite all these things we love each other deeply. I cannot imagine my life without him, but I don't know if that is because I really haven't had a life without him.<P>On with the history:<BR>After 10 years of marriage he had an affair with a coworker that lasted about 8 months. that was a huge wake up call to both of us. Even with the way he treated me I always trusted him and <B>knew</B> that he would never hurt me in that way. It hurt beyond belief and still does I must admit.<BR>We have been working through it and trying to rebuild our marriage but have come to a point where we don't see things getting better.<BR>Arik is still Arik and I am still me. He sees no use in going to counselling or anger management seminars - he apent his childhood and teen years doing that. He says he knows that it is wrong, he knows what he should do but even when he feels the anger welling inside him he cannot control it and the anger just takes over.<BR>I am so tired of trying to make him happy, of trying to make him feel better about the way our lives have turned out, of telling him it is not his fault that I didn't go back to school, of trying to keep the kids quite when I can see the anger welling in him ( he has never layed a hand on them ). <BR>I am worried about the kids - I don't want our son to become him or our daughters to marry him.<BR> <BR>And so it comes to the main topic of my post.<P>Recently we have been talking about separation and possibly divorce. The discussions have been calm and rational for the most part. Arik doesn't want to be away from me or the kids but at the same time knows that the way he acts when he gets angry is not condusive to a good home life for everybody and my trying everything I can to make sure he doesn't get angry is not only unfair, it doesn't work.<BR>In my heart I honestly agree with him - I am drained and feel like most of the essence of what was me no longer exists. And yet I feel guilt in this. I don't want to cause him pain. I don't want his kids to be away from him or have him be apart form the kids. (not even for a day).<BR>I am lost. <BR>I am tired.<BR>I am sad.<BR>I feel empty.<BR>I feel like a failure - I have failed him, I have failed my family, I have failed his family, I have failed my children, I have failed the life I had envisioned for myself.<P>I don't know what I want out of this post.<BR>Maybe just to write it down and get it out. Who knows. <BR>I don't really feel much better.<BR>I don't know what will bring me to the place where I will feel good about any decision that is made.<P>