Who actually Plan A'd? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Just curious!Who here actually tried Plan A for the amount of time that the Harley's recommend (which is about 6 months, I believe)? Mitz [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, yeah, okay, I **tried** but was dismally poor at it, considering the amount of time I spent here trying to get it right. ALTHOUGH, the fact that I was here so much had something to do with it too, since the very few hours I did have with my (then)H were spent on the computer. However, I now Plan A my current H for no darned good reason [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img], except that I love him and want to build a rock-solid marriage.I DO believe in MB... I just know that when infidelity enters the picture, it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to move past it, even with a pristine Plan A -- but -- it's the only thing that will work, as far as I can see. Unless, of course, you're willing to swallow every bit of pride and pretend you feel nothing. Now that would be very against MB principles, since it's totally dishonest.SO.... in short..... (yeah, right! LOL) MB concepts work, and they work best if you use them BEFORE you have problems.

Me. It worked. I'd already been separated 9 months, but already instinctively doing alot of plan A. I plan A'd after finding MB and starting counseling with Steve Harley for 6 months, starting with a false recovery, filing for divorce a second time, and now in a real recovery.H moved home August 1 after 18 months of separation and starting the divorce twice.Actually, after 3 months of plan A while supposedly in recovery, Steve told me to divorce and go to plan B. I did do the divorce, but went plan A with the intention of having a workable parenting relationship.The MBs principles work. Steve is awesome. Oh and working a 12 step program along with practicing plan A has made me into someone I like and respect. I do still struggle with self-esteem issues as a result of my H's A....but not nearly as badly as I might have been without plan A and my 12 steps. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi there Mitzi,Yep, I'm a plan Aer. I was already doing it before I found this site also. After d-day it only took two months for my W to move out. So okay it hasn't saved the marriage but the marriage certainly isn't over yet. To let you know, my wife even said what I was doing (they shouldn't know) was making it so hard for her to leave. The hardest thing for her was that she was seeing why she had married me in the first place so she felt so torn between s.o.b. and me. I really think she has left because it was so hard for her to take. The other benefit is that her last memories of us together are REALLY good ones. Now that she is with s.o.b. he is naturally going to make mistakes and here I am looking good as gold. It also is really helpful in making yourself a better person/spouse. So even if it doesn't work out you know you did everything you could to save the marriage in a positive way and should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud. Take care. Read the recovery section of the forum. There are many success stories there.Stay Strong.

GG,I wasn't asking about Plan A because I was using it myself! LOL I did Plan A for a long time and now I'm divorced. I was just curious as to how many here actually try to Plan A before jumping to divorce. It seems that that happens a lot anymore. People are too quick to give up. If my ex hadn't been an abusive alcoholic, I think that doing things "The Harley Way" probably would have helped to save a good marriage, but I didn't have that. I am ok and content. I know that my Plan A made me into a better person and now that I know how to have a good relationship, my next one will be better! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Mitzi, I also did the plan A, 2 times in 4 years and It just might have worked eventually if my XXXXXXXXXXX H had not been such a lying,manipulative,abusive,alcoholic... It took me sooooo long to give up, but I tried through 2 affairs to give him time to fall out of love with the others, and decide to work on us,,,but he never did completely end contact with either woman, and when I saw him schmoozing his way into a new womans life, I had to make my tough love stand... Yupo, I found out that "Mr Ugly" was just never going to be the father and husband that he claimed to be. Like MB says, sticking in there gives you time to fall out of love with your WS also, and makes the end easier than leaving before you really know what you will not be missing.. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey yes!What was your name before the problems with the forum? LOL Ok, now I see it! LOL Hi lizam! Anyone else truly attempt Plan A? I know it's hard but it does help!!Mitz [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img][ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

Been at it for almost 3 years now.

Because you are the King of Plan A, Chris! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Chris (CA123): Been at it for almost 3 years now.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wow, I am just about 3rd weeks into plan A w/ MB principal. I will not take 3 years. I will not even let it pass new year. The moment D is signed, I am in plan C right away ... run like hell and never look back.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by redhat: Wow, I am just about 3rd weeks into plan A w/ MB principal. I will not take 3 years. I will not even let it pass new year. The moment D is signed, I am in plan C right away ... run like hell and never look back.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The idea of MB principles is to make sure you don’t have regrets and you do what you need to, to get through all this.“run like hell and never look back“ will ensure you gain nothing from what happened.

Just bumping this to the top for the ones who didn't see it over the weekend! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Chris (CA123): “run like hell and never look back“ will ensure you gain nothing from what happened.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I don't suppose you could bop on over to that other thread and write this, couldya??You are so right!!What I don't get, and maybe it's just because I am a romantic fool when it comes to notions of love, but I will **never** feel regret for marrying my ex. I was married to him for 20 years for a reason, and to not have given it my all is an insult to him and to our marriage.Truthfully, yes, I did run like hell, but not until after I'd done all I could to restore the marriage. I look back all the time, trying to learn from my mistakes.Chris. I've always said you are a saint. Mitz, great topic here.

Sheryl,Ya know, I may get angry sometimes about how my marriage turned out. BUT I will never regret marrying my ex either. I married him because I loved him and together we had 3 beautiful sons. And believe it or not, I do still care about what happens to him. When I see him and notice how hard the drinking and drugs have been on his health, it makes me sad. He's only 34 and if he doesn't get help, he may not live to see 50. And I never gave up on him or our marriage. He was the one who did that. And because of that marriage, I became the person I am today. I can't regret that!Mitz [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img][ October 15, 2001: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

Hi, Queen of Caerlon!I plan A'd instinctively and with the guidance of my wonderful counselor. It really did make me a better person. I still sort of plan A the man. I want him to know what kind of wonderful woman he left. I've been at it now for 6 years. In all honesty, I do avoid contact with him but when I have contact I do my best to make it Plan A material. Now, if he's being really ugly, and this is usual, it has to be Plan B from me.This man is the father of my children and they need to know and love him. And we have to be a team so I need to look as wonderful in his eyes as possible. He needs to know that his children have the greatest mother even if he hates me. And I love the fact that sometimes he can't handle my being nice.

I did try to Plan A and it seemed like it was working, but STBX felt his friend across the street is more important. I was dealing with coming out of a severely emotionally abusive situation and probably wasn't sure all the time what I was doing, but I sure know that what was wrong with the marriage could have been repaired, just a lot of work and counseling, parenting classes, etc. It was easier for STBX to walk off.Now I am finding that my efforts at Plan Aing are backfiring in court, it is being said that since I never reported the physical abuse on the kids, it didn't happen. That because I kept trying to stay involved with STBX that I wasn't abused and that his final rejection just made me angry and that was why I was filing for a restraining order. My Plan B "no contact" letter is being brought up in court as even though I ask for no contact, it also states how sorry I was for my part in the marriage's problems. Yes, Plan A works, there's been many wonderful success stories of how people come through this and are better people whether their relationship worked out or not. Plan B works too, when it is finally aparent that the only thing that is healthy for all involved is to have no contact. I tried that and STBX would just come to the house whenever he felt like it and stir the girls and I up... with his past abuses, none of us want him around, we certainly don't trust him, and yes, the distance of a temporary restraining order has helped us tremendously!We still have to deal with the hatred of the across the street neighbor. He has actually been the cause of more problems within the marriage and the separation than STBX has. I do feel that when STBX talked about coming home, he meant it, but was talked out of it by A-T-S-N. At this point, I don't hate my STBX, I do worry about him, but the A-T-S-N is kind of hard to deal with... I do wish he'd get what he deserved for his actions in all of this.yes, I continue to Plan A, because I am trying to be a better person and parent. STBX can run away from what he did and he'll always have that to deal with. Lori

I found MB in July of 99 D day for me. It was here I learned about plan A and immediately implemented it. My H responded very well. After 2 mos of seperation he returned home. I cont to plan A the next 8 mos. Sometime the following May he started to read about MB. Instead of taking it that I had learned a good thing he took it that me being nice and understanding was all just a game. Needless to say 1 month later came affair number 2. This time I went to plan B and was divorced 4 months later. If I had to do it all over again I can't say I would plan A again at least not to the extent I did. I am by nature a forgiving person so it was a very natural plan for me to follow. I did though start to feel like I was just a damn fool and that I was really getting taken advantage of. I myself felt much better with plan B. Jill

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Chris (CA123): “run like hell and never look back“ will ensure you gain nothing from what happened.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I understood MB very well but I am not willing to suffer too long in plan B (very short time limit). It is very minor work for me in plan A, I don't drink, don't smoke, don't stray and the missing EN is W top's but the easiest for me to fill in. W now is very confused and I saw regret on her eye from time to time when the fog clears up a bit. I agree as you that I do not want to regret it later ... see my signature's quotation below

Thanks to all who responded so far! As you will notice, in my question, I asked who "tried" to plan A. I know it's extremely difficult! I didn't do a perfect job at it either! But I had lots of help from the people here. They became my cheerleaders! LOL Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I did...I plan A'd. I tried it for almost a full year. It was hard!!! I did the best I could at it, but know I did fail many times.At first, my H seemed to respond some. But he went into a "I have my cake and can eat it too" mode. I felf like he was using me. Also, he thought it was just a "put on." He didn't believe I could ever really change. I went into Plan B around Christmas 2000.Looking back, I think in my case anyway, I should have just kicked him out the door the first day. I think it would have woken him up. He's still somewhat in the fog.But who knows really. Neither Plan A nor Plan B affected him in any way I could see. It did, however, affect me. I think (and hope) I've become a better person all around for learning these principles....for any relationship. And now I am no longer in love with him, thanks to Plan B. Anyway, count me in as one who definately tried.Aloha, Ms.O

hmm[ October 21, 2001: Message edited by: T-L-C ]

Hey Mitzi,Ok, I am one that tried my best to do a Plan A but failed miserably. My emotions at the time took over and I said some not so nice things to Valerie. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Me bad. Something about being nice to her while she snuck around with Brian just didn't go over well with me. Right now mentally, I couldn't be better, and could execute a perfect Plan A, but, alas I am no longer interested in a relationship with her.Things seemed to have made a significant turn around, now **she** is calling me [after 2 and some odd point years after D day] being all nice and wondering how things are going for me, how are the kids, what are you doing, do you still drink the cough medicine out of the bottle, well, you get the point.She just called me last week with some most important news that I had to be made aware of immediately if not sooner. Yes, Squiggy [the dog] had a flea. I was shocked and was near racing up to her house with lights and siren blaring. [J/K] Then I find out some more disturbing news... he is allergic to the flea shampoo. CRIPES KATEY!!! What's next? Please, no more news, I have a bad ticker [oh, wait, that's her] alright I have a big nose, a hook for a hand and foot and just can't take this anymore.Funny how she kind of down played Brian falling off the roof and breaking both legs and a wrist. She complained about the ambulance crew [all of which I know personally] and was trying to elict a response from me. "He should have been flown out by Medevac" Um... I wasn't there and don't know what happened... sounds like he survived the trauma. I think she needed some stroking at the scene and everyone in EMS here knows our story. Damn EMS grapevine. I was thinking, man, is it ever good that I kicked you out. Geez, B has suffered 4 fractures since linking up with her. She does have bad Karma. I do feel bad about the remark I made that she is just pissed because a house fell on her sister. [Wizard of Oz] I didn't say it out loud, just thought about it, ok... I said it once in the past. Ok... ok... maybe twice, but, that's it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Alright where was I going with this? AAHHHH, can you E your number? G lost it in the move. Moose7771@AOL.COM That was it. I think I went on a tangent. Sorry, just got back from a 16 hour shift and have to be back in at 0800.Wishing us all the Best,The Village Idiot.

Ok Zippy!!I think that was the best response so far! LOL LOLDon't feel bad, I didn't do a perfect Plan A either! Oh well! Yeah, I'm emailing ya my # now. Tell Gina to give me a call sometime and give me the scoop! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Mitz [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi ya Mitzi!I Plan A'd for 10+ months. And I did a damn good job too. My H told me he started to love me again. Only thing is, my situation was pretty severe to start with .... so I ended up D.Jo

To everyone,Thanks for the replies!! I hope I got to the point I was trying to make!Plan A and Plan B are about YOU! Not your spouse! It's a plan to make sure that you have no regrets about letting your spouse go. And it's designed to make the transition easier on you emotionally. Believe me, it's saved my sanity more than once!Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello,Been here since January, under my old(LOST grr) Name Learning AS I GO.This board, and plan A saved my marraige. My love for him aside, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt I wouldve lost him with out my freinds here and plan A.I plan A'd from February through June. Early Feb. I am a person that is lead by my emotions, so I did LB alot when I was hurting (Read=all the time)I have become a better person because of plan A. Dare I say, I am grateful for my despair and his choice to leave in January. (We are now reconciled.)Here's the WONDERFUL part of plan A and meeting someone else's needs (I never did prior to his Affair and D-Day)I am happy.For the first time in my entire life.Ecstatic for everyday I am given.I love and appreciate my H, my children.And, occasionally I find myself loving something about me.Life is good, Dara

I Planed A for a very long time, very well for the 1st yr but not as well after we moved to Singapore it was harder when you know you are being played for a fool, not that I ever LB or anything, I just didn't try as hard & never did lose all the weight I would need to lose to make STBX happy, but you know when he finally quit fence sitting, quit his job, packed us up & moved in with the OW, I was glad it was finally over. I have very few regrets but guess what he has lots. I have been getting emails where he says things like I don't what went wrong, I am sorry for how things turned out, it make him sad, that he really didn't want this, I finally sent him an email that said you know unless you are leaving OW I don't need to hear if you are sad or not, that I didn't want a divorce, still don't, but if you have doubts & uncertainies find a counselor.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Nyneve: quoted by NyneveTruthfully, yes, I did run like hell, but not until after I'd done all I could to restore the marriage. I look back all the time, trying to learn from my mistakes.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Nyneve I know what you are saying it took alot for me to finally run like hell too. I went through 17 years of him being a WS the first year of marriage, then other years alcoholism, emotional abuse, physical abuse. I tried 14 years of my marriage. The last three just totally lost it with shock and sadness that my marriage is now over. I still tried those 3 years, went to counseling with 3 counselors, each time hoping for a different opinion and was basically told my mind can't take being married to him anymore. I was devastated and tortured for three years. I can't do it anymore.I think the term "never look back" is taken out of context. When I used it in a thread, I always thought the term "never looked back" came from the bible story about Sodom becoming such a sinful city that God destroyed it. Lot's wife looked back, meaning she mourned for that sinful city, he turned her into a pillow of salt. I am not saying, my marriage was sinful, but it was destructive, to the point that I starting to lose faith in prayer. It was also putting my life at risk every day and my children's emotional health, if they would have walked in on the abuse. I see my stbx constantly looking back and dwelling over his mistakes, and the mistakes made my his family in his childhood, mourning what he never had instead of what he had now. He made his life miserable because he always looked back instead of forward. We do need to learn from our past mistakes, but only to the point of it being healthy. We see the mistakes, make a change as best we can and then move forward with a renewed knowledge of what to do in the future. I am moving forward, I am learning everything about what I can do to have a new better life for me and my.I'm glad for those who can still work on a marriage. I believe those people are moving forward too, just in a different direction than I am, they are moving forward to improve their marriage. It's sad that some of us are just forced to move on and have no choice.Take care, ANNA[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]