He told the kids he married the OW - Marriage Builders® Forums

He took the 4 youngest kids out to dinner as he does each week. The kids gave him birthday presents that they had made/bought for him. He then announced that he had married the OW. Two of the girls came home in tears. Our son says he doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. It apparently went completely over our littlest's head.He didn't even say when this event took place. Last week our 5 year old grabbed him as he was leaving and said she wanted him to stay, and then said out of the blue and over and over, that she wanted him to marry Mommy again. He told her that he didn't think that would happen. I don't know if that had anything to do with his telling them that he had married the OW - I don't even know if he had done so by then. I hate October. We married his first wife in October, 1971 (and she left him two months later). We met in October, 1974. To the best of my knowledge, the first time he met the OW was in October, 1998. The divorce hearing was in October, 2000, although it wasn't final until 2001.I just realized that our daughter's asking him to marry Mommy again happened one year and one day after the divorce hearing, which she was far to young to be aware of. If I were superstitious, I would find that coincidence hard to believe. While we were at the divorce hearing, this same daughter developed a fever of 103 degrees, although she had been well when I dropped her off at the babysitter's, and well when the sitter put her on the school bus. The school tried to call but our phones were turned off since you can't have them on in the courtroom. By that evening, my daughter's fever was completely gone, and she was perfectly healthy. He is taking every memory I have, every piece of my life, and destroying it piece by piece. First he has an affair and now marries someone with MY first name, living in the town where he and I first rented a house. He left the month of our anniversary; I would have been served with divorce papers on our son's birthday had I not told the sheriff's office I wouldn't be available, sends more upsetting paperwork on another child's birthday, tries to schedule a hearing on my birthday, now informs the kids that he has married the day before another child's birthday. All you need to get what you want - including another person's spouse - is money. It has happened over and over on these boards. My H does not seem happy, but I am sure he owes the OW a lot of money - his unemployment ran out almost a year ago. Yesterday my son was talking about how his father's emotions are virtually non-existent - from his description apparently what psychologists would call "flat affect." For any newcomers, if you have been married a couple of decades or so, don't let anyone ever tell you that the pain gets better. There has not been a single morning that I have awakened in almost three years now that I haven't wished that he had killed me instead. It only gets worse and worse with each passing month.

Nellie:I am so sorry to hear your latest news. Can anyone stand to see their child in pain? I can't - my oldest (7 yo) found out about her daddy's girlfriend/OW yesterday and her little heart is broken. Actually, I was quite proud of her "talk" with her dad. She let him know quite clearly that she was mad and hurt and she even gave him some advice on ridding himself of the OW. Needless to say, I was so shocked at her reaction. BUT it was good for her to get it out and maybe you ought to encourage your older ones to do the same???? My youngest (4 yo) doesn't really understand other than to say she wanted to call the OW "doo-doo head." Out of the mouth of babes, right?Anyway, I'm thinking of you and I'm so sorry to see that things aren't improving for you.Ashley

Nellie,I'm sorry for your October's that will never be the same, and for your continued gut-wrenching pain.But most of all, I am sorry that your life holds no promise for you tonight, and that you'd rather have been killed by him then left by him. Remember though, that you're kids respect and love you more than life itself, and that you are worthy of that love.As an aside, I agree about the money-thing. David stayed with his last OW for two years because he owed her money. I think it does happen. Take good care, Nellie, and please, PLEASE find a way to grab some peace in your life... you certainly deserve it.

God Nellie, I know how bad this hurts. I wish there was some way to make it better. Just know that I am here for you.((hugs))JIll

Ashley,The kids have said many times that they are afraid to tell their dad what they are thinking because they are afraid he will get mad at them, and/or stop loving them. Sheryl,Thanks for your support. Unfortunately, there is no promise, there is no hope. When my H first left I initially believed it would get better with time, but time and again I was proven wrong. The only hope is that it is only 12 more years until my youngest is 18, and worst case perhaps 5 more after that till she finishes college. It is not just tonight, it is every night of the last thousand or so.Jill,Thanks for your support - I know you have been through this.

Nellie1, I'm so sorry for your pain. I surely relate as do most here. I'm not trying to give you false hope BUT..... My W left on Sept 4th "99" we were divorced July 7th "01" She married OM July 15th "01" (no waiting period in NH) She THEN came out of the "fog" and called me every day and after 5 months proclaimed she made a BIG mistake and "Wanted her life back" and "Wanted me back" I did a near perfect "plan A" and so it was possible for us to work things out and we are getting re-married this Saturday Oct 20th (which was out FIRST wedding day) I can't pretend that it was easy or that God didn't bless us with a miracle. Without his mighty hand on this it would have never happened. Nor am I saying you should wait around for this to happen. BUT.... it's really NEVER over until "death do us part" AND.... the odds are on YOUR side. 97% of ALL affairs end. Of the 3 that don't only ONE ends in marriage and of the three relationships that survive only ONE lasts more than 2 years. You have children, that's a STRONG pull in your direction and usually is one of the MAIN things that pull them out of the fog. All I'm saying is I know my situation is different BUT.... you never know, maybe yours is too? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Pray, BUT... pray like you believe it will come true.. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Frank,Thanks for your encouragement. I suspect that he felt like he "had" to marry her for some reason (not pregnancy, I am sure - she is about 50 years old) - probably guilt because she has been supporting him. I am not sure how long ago he married her, but I found out he has been taking off the wedding ring when he comes over to pick up the kids. What a great way to start a marriage - not even letting your own children know.I used to be an optimist, but since he left that has turned out to be a mistake - about everything, not just his relationship with the OW. I suspect he has joined the ranks of the permanently unemployed as well.

I am so sorry Nellie. I hear you. It is doubly more painful with kids. You have you and your pain - then as women we take on our kids pain too. I know you have a tough job on your hands. I know you have be thrown into circumstances you did not choose. Nor do you deserve. (nor did your kids choose nor did they deserve!). Keep venting and posting. We are here for you. Find something to encourage your heart: a book, a movie, something... does he take the kids to give you a break other than once a week for dinner? that is kind of crazy!!! You need Nellie1 time! Plus they need him too. Does he take them every other weekend for you?

notheard,He takes all four of them to dinner once a week, for about an hour and a half. He takes them each out alone for 2-3 hours once a month. They visit him one day a month, for about 6 hours (including an hour and a half travel time) - only two at a time, because they "disturb the atmosphere" at the OW's house. They have begged him to see more of them, and he has had one excuse after another why they can't stay overnight with him.

i guess when you have time alone you just sit with your mouth to the floor and eyes dazed over right? or if you don't know how to veg you probably keep picking stuff up. Is there anyone else there that can help give you a break? family? in-laws? church? do you have any girlfriends to hang out with? swap babysitting? i am sorry for all the questions. I am just concerned about you.

notheard,No, actually mostly I do my homework for the graduate course I'm taking. I don't have any family close by - I have some friends nearby, but they mostly have kids the ages of my older ones (19 & 21), way past babysitting age. Most people my age have kids in college, not kindergarten.

All your hard work and dedication will pay off. Hang in there. You are investing in yourself (graduate school). When you take care of you, it naturally spills over to your children. you are a setting a good example for them. keep posting.

Nellie,I am sorry. I remember when it happened to me. I thank God that He has helped me to find peace and happiness again. I pray that these things come back to you and your children in time.Take care, Desiree

notheard,Hopefully this graduate degree will at least get me a job that I can keep till I retire or die.. The last one didn't do me much good.RollMeAway,Thanks for the support.

Nellie,I think of you often. I am so sad thatyou are in a place which is so hard...and I know it does not get any easier and I know it will not get easier, while you still take care of everything and your X continues to live this "new" life. Picking up the pieces of a family is the hardest thing to do, when someone is so determined to break up as much as they can and make life for you as hard as possible.I am glad to read you are pursuing graduate work.How do you manage it all. I admire you so much, and I know your children must be in awe of you. What a wonderful role model they have in you.October is not a great month for you... Nellie look after you,please.I am still not divorced....stbx still with ow. They are doing their best to make my life as hurtful as possible. A huge mess still in terms of the kids ....and stbx will not talk to me,meet with me about the kids even though there are some pretty big decisions to be made regarding our 18 y o who is finishing school. So now I have to get my lawyer to talk to his lawyer to get this to happen! QUITE INSANE [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]I donot know why I am logged in as YES. IT is WILLBOK99 here.[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: yes ]

I'm going to ask a few questions prompted by the hours I have spent with my counselor.Nellie, do you have any professional psychological help to deal with the profound anger and pain you obviously feel?Do you have any clue how much power you are giving this man? Yes, he's long gone from your marriage. But my holding on so determinedly to this pain and anger, those emotions give him power. He's not asking for it. You are giving it to him. And when you begin to turn loose of those emotions, you will find more peace and happiness.And lastly, if your children need professional help in dealing with this, are you and their father providing that?I know that you will not be pleased that I have asked these questions. But following my 17 year marriage and all these years that have gone by since he left, I do need to be asked these questions myself.

Willbok,It is nice to hear from you again, but I am sorry that your stbx is still making things so difficult. You are right - it is insane for him not to talk to you about your kids. Over the past few weeks my H apparently wore a wedding ring in front of the kids, or had it in the car (apparently he took it off before picking them up) - I am guessing he was hoping the kids would bring it up so he wouldn't have to. As it turns out, the one child who noticed it didn't know (or was hoping) it was not a wedding ring - my H and I didn't normally wear them. He has perfected the art of conflict avoidance.

bleubelle,Who are you, anyway? You rarely post on this forum, I haven't been able to find much about you from your posts, though admittedly I haven't read all of them. Every once in awhile you pop up to respond to my posts accusing me of being angry, even when my posts do not indicate that at all. You posted awhile ago: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>It's been several years and my x has yet to acknowledge that he hurt anyone. And he's still trying to manipulate me. I'm really not sure why some people get to breathe. But that's not my decision to make.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>And I'm angry?Interesting coincidence - my H's OW was also married 17 years, and she divorced several years ago. Hmmm...

I am a very happily single-again woman living with two children in my house I've lived in for a long time. And I am in Tennessee. And I still think you are giving this man power in your life - something I wouldn't have said before my new counselor started asking me the same questions I've asked you.(BTW - I fought x tooth and toe-nail to save my marriage. And tried to hold out hope until he remarried.)

bleubelle,One could question why someone who is very happy is still going to a counselor - but I won't get into that. Whatever..And btw, why would anyone "give up" just because their spouse got remarried - since when do marriage vows mean anything to the parties involved? No marriage based on infidelity will ever be valid, much less secure.

Rape! By a man who had a significant role in my life. That's why.

bleubelle,Obviously rape is a horrible experience that no one except the victim can really understand.I do not think that your experience with counseling is necessarily transferable to infidelity.I personally have very little regard for the field of counseling, both due to personal experience with counselors and with graduate students training in the field when I was a psych major, and also due to what I have read about the quality (or lack thereof) of training. The current trend in training is to emphasize the individual at the expense of the family. Just because someone has a degree in social work or even an MD in psychiatry doesn't mean they have any common sense. You do not seem to realize that this is NOT about anger and NOT about my H in particular. I do not believe that, given sufficient insight, I could have predicted that he would do this. My H was a good man. If my H could be transformed like this, so could anyone. How can ANYONE find "peace" once they have realized that no one, no matter how long you have known them, can be trusted - that they can not be trusted even to continue to treat their children with love?

Nellie,I went back and reread your original posts, to see if I could see anger in them, after the discussion that has been going on.I don't really see anger, I see Pain and a kind of dispirted attitude.(that's not the right word). Almost as if you are emotionally exhausted, yet know that you still have years of watching this man hurt your children.This is a very difficult time for you, your studies will help, so will concentrating on your kids. The biggest thing to remember is.OCTOBER IS THE MONTH OF GOULS & GOBBLINS,the month that all the evil spirits walk the earth. Apparently your EX is one of the biggest. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]-KAT-

Nellie,I am taking a huge chance writing this. The last time I said something like this, I was asked to leave a thread and told that although my words were nice, my life was not.Nellie, first, I respect you completely. You know that, I think.You know that I understand you, since I've been here since you've been here (or close to it anyway) and we've seen each other through everything we've gone through. Your dedication to your H has been admirable, to me. Now, what I'm going to say, is regarding this quote: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Nellie1: If my H could be transformed like this, so could anyone. How can ANYONE find "peace" once they have realized that no one, no matter how long you have known them, can be trusted.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I have not found "peace" quite yet, but I have chosen to take the chance that there is someone out there who will not be transformed no matter what happens in our life. Life is full of risks, and I have chosen to take a big one, by falling in love and getting married to another man. In my case, as you know, my only minor child (he's 17 now) remained with his father, and yes, that did make a difference. I left my son with the only person I could trust him with - his father. I know that some look at this as the most selfish horrible thing I could have done. Lord knows that I've spent plenty of time beating myself up about it. Truly, that is why I lack the peace that is so close I can touch it -- but not close enough to grab.Nellie, I've told you over the years that I worry about you too. I know that you haven't gotten "close" to a lot of people here, but I have. I consider you and many others here REAL and I care. I have said prayers for you, and I have thought of you when I'm off this board.I know your life was changed forever. I worry because you are dying a slow painful death every day. I care.I send you peace, if only for a moment.Sheryl[ October 19, 2001: Message edited by: Nyneve ]

Nellie, I think we have been on the board for nearly the same amount of time. I rarely visit here anymore, and I can identify with so much of what you are going through.While I have been more fortunate in that my stbx has not been able to change my financial circumstances, I have lived with the insanity that one man's crisis has visited and continues to revisit on not only myself(which I do not allow myself to buy into), but much more importantly, our 4 children. IT IS THIS THAT HAS MADE THE SITUATION A NIGHTMARE. This is not about infidelity,this is not about a divorce, this is not about anger and moving on, this is about evil intentions and manipulation of children, am attempt to shatter any and all family bonds between any of our chilkdren and between my children and myself. This is about a parents unwillingness to face up to his own inadequacies and to take responsibilty especially as a father. Despite his avowal that "life is great" he must be so hurt that he can think of nothing other than destroying me...how sad for him The reasons I think: 1)to punish me(I do not know why either) 2)to justify his insane behaviour 3)to make himself feel better about himself and the choices he made 4)to blame me for the choices he madeWhat has made it so much more difficuly is the role modelling he now provides to these young adults and teens -drugs are good....and we all do them -no responsibility for behaviour and actions are fine -blame others for your behaviour, it is never your fault -material possessions are what makes one feel ggood,especially if you do not earn it yourself...false sense of entitlement -not supporting your children -judgemental of everyone else -prejudiced-no communication with the mother of his 4 children about children's issues whatsoever. When I have contacted him, he has used theinformation ,turned it and made life doubly hard for me as aparent,undoing the values I try to instill with concrete actions.So while I have accepted that this is who he is, and his gf is entitled to him,the fact that I have chosen to take care of our children,make all decisions, be the disciplinarian all the while he tries to undermine this parenting, has made it so much worse than it should have been.I hear so many on the board not understanding where you are coming from...I do Nellie,believe me. I do not know how you have been able to be so "calm" The tragedy is that not only will we carry these scars, our children will carry them into all their relationships.......I also will not trust anyone either...and I know my children do not...That does not mean in the fullness of time I would not want to have a caring loving relationship with a man. I do.But at this time, there is still far too much chaos in terms of my teenaged children living at home.I know you have many years before you get to that point Nellie. Where your children are able to leave the nest..... So I can only say that I pray for you to have some joy in your life.....

Nellie, You know how much I have worried about you. While I see the rest of us old timers moving on with our lives I see you still in that dark lonely place we once all were. I'm sorry but such saddness and complete devistation will show through to the kids. You can't change things. Nothing you do will ever bring him back. It's up to you to show your kids that when you get knocked down you can get up again with your pride intact. Sometime you are going to have to face the fact that its over. He is dead to you. The happiness and the memories of the past will forever be with in you but the man you knew is dead. There is happiness out there waiting for you. Reach for it. Like me, sometimes you just don't reach it and you fall and get hurt but then you just try again. Life is not worth living without a little pain. Nor is it worth living without loving and you are to young to keep this up. I do and have always cared about you Nellie. None of us here wanted to give up on our marriages it was just time.Jill

Kat,Yes, I do feel pain and exhaustion - but looking back on my posts, I do not see where bleubell is seeing anger.Come to think of it, October is also the month my son ended up in the hospital with mono as a baby, and the month I came down with pneumonia many years ago - the only thing good about it is my daughter's birthday. Willbok,Thank you for your support. There was another thread awhile back about the book, "Sudden Endings: Wife Abandonment ..." I can't remember the rest of the title, and I was disappointed and surprised at the number of people who didn't believe that men could suddenly turn on their wives so severely. I guess I should be grateful that my H has not done some of the harmful things that your H has, such as promoting drug use. Mostly my H has too little emotional energy to promote much of anything.Sheryl,Hopefully no one will ask you to leave this thread - I certainly won't. Please don't take this in that way. Unfortunately, your experience has in some ways confirmed my conviction that you can not trust anyone. I firmly believe that you, like my H, are a good person, you obviously have a strong conscience, and I am sure you love your son and daughters. When you first came to this board, had anyone suggested that now, two years later, you would be living 4000 miles away from your son, I suspect you would have thought they were crazy. I worry about you, because I am not at all sure that you will ever really find peace due to the circumstances surrounding your move and re-marriage.It has just made me more convinced than ever that people, no matter how good, no matter how moral, no matter how well-developed their sense of guilt, will give up everything that is important for "love".Jill,I can not agree that my H is "dead" - at least not to me. I do worry that he is, as Sheryl said about me, dying each day. Even our 15 year old boy noticed and commented on his father's flatness of emotion. It was not like this when he first left - sometimes he was overly "up" and more often he was terribly angry and sometimes verbally agressive. In the last few months he has rarely displayed any emotion whatsoever - he certainly appears to be one of the most miserable "newlyweds" I have ever seen. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) I am a great deal older than you are, Jill. I will always love my H. Marriages can not be "over" because a marriage is something that by definition can not end except in death.[ October 19, 2001: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]

You know what Nellie?You make a very valid point about me and my situation.I am sorry that I have caused you any pain, or have given you any reason to doubt the truthworthiness of humanity.I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.Please keep me in your thoughts too, okay??

Sheryl,I do think of you, and worry about you, often.