I love you but am not 'in love' with you. Please explain this.

I don't understand this comment: I love you but am not 'in love' with you. What does this mean?

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Mr. Hurt:
I don't understand this comment: I love you but am not 'in love' with you. What does this mean?<hr></blockquote>I don't know either, it seems to be the standard line of all WS's in here.

Well when my H said that to me last year it meant "I'm having a major love affair and want to divorce you- but I want YOU to file on me to ease my guilt!" I refused to do it despite H's and OW's begging me for a quick divorce.I told H I would NEVER agree to an easy divorce.This led to a long time of agony for me as H went back and forth trying to decide who he wanted.He didnt touch me for 8 mo during all this. Now H and I are reconciling and OW took a job transfer to another state. I would say that if your W said that to you her A has a huge emotional addiction to it that will be very hard for her to give up completely. I have read about one zillion books about affairs and the author I found that best understands emotional affairs is Emily Brown. You might want to read any books of hers. Knowledge is power and different affairs call for different approaches. Unfortunately affairs with a strong emotional component also have the highest rate of divorce involved, but not ALL do end that way. Take care- lifeismessy

My WW has said that to me as well. She also says she doesn't want to be married. I guess if she wasn't married then she wouldn't feel the guilt anymore of continuing contact with OM. My WW also uses the old "we're just friends now." I know she is still in a fog and in fact wearing ear plugs and a blindfold as well. But she'll come out of it and all I can do when she does is continue to be here. I still pray that it happens before I lose all my love for her. My bank is being drained more everyday but I'm being strong and working on ME. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] How are you holding up?

drumroll please......For the most part it's a cop out. But if I had to translate from my limited knowledge of "fogeese" it means,I remember that you are my husband/wife, and that we have many years invested in this relationship, you have been my best friend and lover, but like a kid in a candy store something else has caught my eye so I will let you hang on knowing I kind of love you while I test out these new flavors and decide what the hell is up my butt.Hold your applause people.Elizabeth

Man Justthewife.. I can't believe that you hit the nail so dead center. Perfect. Good Job.Tex.

I've said those words. And I've meant those words.How I feel about my H -- I love him. I care about what happens to him, I wish good things for him. But I do not have that passion for him anymore. (Not just lust -- but that craving for attention, talking, just wanting to be around that person) I don't hate him -- I still "love" him.

BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!! Elizabeth.But my take on this "I love you but..." bs is a bit different. I think it means "I'm cheating on you but I don't want to feel bad when I make you cry so I'll just lie and say I love you and to throw the blame for my infidelity back onto you, I;m gonna pretend that because you don't make fireworks go off when you kiss me like the OP does, it's your fault and I won't seem like such an a$$ for leaving you to shack up with some slut."Just my take.

WHOA!WHOA!WHOA! People- you keep tying this issue with cheating, let's not assume that in every case. I "fell out of love" with my H due to a few good years of serious neglect. I never cheated on him ever. I "love" him but I am not "in love" with him. I do not feel passionate towards him anymore- no more adoring eyes, bear hugs, makeout sessions, excitement to see him, etc. But we spent 7 years together, of course I care about his well being and I love him for what we once had.That's my personal take on this issue, not saying that you have to agree! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Duff:This is all about an affair for me. We had an awesome marriage and then boom she starts seeing this person thru work that lives 1900 miles away... she went there on business a lot and thats how it all started.When I found out all of a sudden she says she wasn't happy and all this crap. It is all bull. The only thing that killed us was spending quality time together... not by choice... I work at a hospital and work opposite shifts of her. I make good money and it never seemed to bother her. Every chance on my days off we were together. I thought she was having an affair but never believed it until I got the proof. She even admitted to having sex with this person... our sex life was great so I thought. I told her I would forgive and someday forget. I love my wife and never want to be without her. She made a mistake and I don't want her to make a bigger one in getting a divorce... I'm trying plan A and am not very good at it. I was with my wife every second I wasn't at work and still want to be but I'm trying not to be to give her the space etc... we haven't had sex for over a month and I am getting a little impatient... I need sex... I'm sorry I am human... masterbation doesn't do it for me sorry. I would never do anything behind my wife's back until we are divorced because I believed in my vows. I never dreamed 8 months ago I would be talking on this f******* message board.

My experience has been, they say I love you, but not in love with you, when there Mind and Heart has found something more appealing, even if its an ILLUSION.....No Man/Woman can serve two masters, he will either cling to one or despise the other....In most cases this is what the conflict is, heart torn between two lovers..

The hard part is that we know WS is in a fog but they believe the OP is just so special and everything. What my WW doesn't see or want to see is what this other guy is really doing behind my wife's back. He lies to her, tried to have another A at same time, and still has his own wife at home taking care of his kids and house. And she thinks he is soooo wonderful. What a load of [censored]I know she says a lot of the hurtful things she does only because she is addicted to A and needs help to break away from OM. He will never leave his wife as he is a serial cheater and she puts up with it for the sake of their kids.

No sex in a month. OMG!!!! Holy Moly.. We are all gonna die.. Oh please.. Get a grip. Try not having sex for years.. Is this what this post is about? Say it ain't soo. Tex.

Well Mr. Hurt, my H is a Police Officer and he worked real wacky hours, opposing shifts, like you. It never ever bothered me at all, BUT, when we were together he ignored me by nature. After not seeing him for 5 days, he'd God damn read the paper during dinner at the kitchen table. He'd watch T.V. instead of talking to me. But he supposedly missed me so much? He never had a darn thing to say to me ever anymore. Small talk. I got lonely, real lonely, but I reached out to my friends and family- not another man. Oh yeah, and I reached out to a battery operated friend too! (Giggle, giggle!)I'm guessing that you are not or were not meeting her EN's? Communication, Recreational Activity, Conversation......meet them....then the sex will come. Don't force it on her, re-read P.O.J.A.!**Hey Good Man In Texas- we late 20 somethings are in our prime- no sex for a month is unheard of at our age!!!** Ha!Ha! Joking, don't get all upset.....((((HUGS)))))
Duff [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Duff, Thanks for the 20 Something compliment. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Isn't there a song out there somewhere "All night Long" Since reading your post this song has been running around in my head. Maybe I should change my handle to ANL.. As I scratch my chin w/ my forefinger and thumb, my lip curled and eye brow raised in a thoughtful position.. Now I gotta get out my Karma Sutra book and look for a thoughtfull position..LOLx1000000000.Tex.

im with duff- im not in love with my husband-he killed that when he pulled away, emotionally starved me and sought comfort with another. if i was still head over heals in love, i think there would be something wrong with me. now its up to him to make me fall in love with him again....

It is kind of the opposite for me-My WWH (STBX) is now in love with me- and I can totally understand- based on how I FEEL now- why someone can say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" He didn't say that to me- I am now saying it to him!!For years all I craved was this man- his touch- his time- his attention...And here- ten years later- I'm "plan A'd" OUT- I find out he has spent the better part (atleast 2/3) of our marriage cheating on me! WHAAATTT??I feel kindly towards him- I don't want to see him hurt or struggle- I love him for the father he is now- for the sensitive person he can be- and I love him for what he has become this past year...If I could have had what he is now- without the betrayal of the past- this "love thing" wouldn't even be an issue- BUT-
While I love him in the "adult" ways- I am no longer "in love" with him nor interested in remaining in a relationship with him beyond friendship.I haven't looked around to find something better- I have simply realized that my passion, my hopes and dreams, my health, my future- meant nothing to him...So- It is a little hard to overlook all of that and feel "feelings of being IN LOVE"....Love- bah!!What a JOKE!
ECO

I too,have been going thru this!! Mannn does it hurt..i beleive its allpart of the selfishness they go thru. I however,am at the point, where he has destroyed my love for him. Im tired of being hurt and disrespected,and have decided to move on,and watch him *fall*...I know he will,,and i have no intention of picking up the pieces. But,neither am i looking for a new relationship,,i just want to work on me..

Hey, Duff...'splain this. When I was 25/26, I could go for weeks without it (and married to my ex, I did)...now I'm 42 and if it's more than a few days, I'm going crazy.And my 31 year old husband is happy with once a week.

I love my H, however, I am no longer in love with him, nor do I want to be with him. I love a lot of people but that does not mean I feal romantic towards them. There are different types of love and I think being in love with someone, at least to me, means that I have romantic feelings for them. I am not haveing an affair nor do I feel romantic towards anyone else. I am just not in love with him anymore. I have fallen out of love due to 20 + years of an emotional roller coaster.
I guess according to the polls, it may not have a specific meaning that everyone who uses the phrase would agree on.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Mr. Hurt:
I don't understand this comment: I love you but am not 'in love' with you. What does this mean?<hr></blockquote>Your wife is probably fixing to have an affair. I'm sorry, been there before, done that AND have the t-shirt. Do you talk with her much? Deep intimate conversation? Are you filling up her LoveBank? Sounds like she is low on Deposits. Please talk with her and pray together! I learned this too late, the hard way. Harold

My WH says to me "I love you enough". REally hurts where the heart is. He had his "in-love" with this woman who has had 2 sexual affiars. His being the 2nd. He still doesn't see to this day that his in-love used him, knew where she wanted him (in bed), and after the first time it was so much easier the 2nd, 3rd, etc. He would tell me it is the feeling, the wanting, etc. But hey, she dumped him, got angry at him, basically was very mean to me, told me she never loved my husband, that it was all fantasy & euphoria and she only loves her husband. Her H is the only one that she wants in her life. She wanted to go back to the way it was, and be wife, mother, grandmother. So I think the in-love, is the FOGGGY THINGY!!!! It was great while it lasted, with deceit, betrayal, and lies. But now is it so GREAT?????

My wife gave me the speech of I love you, but I am not in love with you about 4 days before she told me that she never loved me and moved in with a lesbian friend of hers who was having trouble with her lesbian lover. The funny thing is that she gave me this speech about 4 days after she told me what a wonderful husband I was and how she never wanted to even think of living her life without me in my birthday card. She told me that she had only been infatuated with me because I was one of the first people to show her attention and pay her compliments. When a woman tells you before you marry her that she can be a B****, take my advice and don't marry her. From now on, I will be every woman's worst nightmare - a great listener who will not ignore any negative thing that she says or does before considering marriage. I truly enjoy people, but I am really afraid of any type of commitments after being burned this way. What most people are calling "in love with you" is another name for just lust plain and simple. If you love someone, sex is fun, but it is not the thing that you should make your decisions on. If I ever get married again, it will only be to a friend that I have known for a long time -someone that I can count on. I was there for her when she was down in her back and could not even get out of bed. I tried to comfort her when she would have migraines. I paid for her root canal even after she had already left me so that she would not hurt. She never did without anything that she wanted. I believe that I will follow the biblical advice of not seeking a wife in the future.

MY H WENT OUT THE DOOR STILL SAYING HE LOVED ME WOULD NEVER FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT ANYONE ELSE AND THAT HE PROBBABLY WOULD NEVER FIND WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHAT HE HAD WITH ME..THIS WAS AFTER D-DAY.
BUT ON D-DAY I WAS TOLD IM NOT SURE I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO BE MARRIED TO YOU AND I LOVE YOU IM JUST NOT SURE IM IN LOVE WITH YOU ANYMORE.. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL WHEN EVERYTHING IS CLOUDED WITH THE OW.. AND IF HE STILL LOVED ME ON MOVE OUT DAY THEN WHAT THE H@$L WAS HE DOING AND WHY DID HE STILL GO. HE COULDNT ANSWER THAT QUESTION.. ITOLD HIM HE HAD IT ALL HE SAID HE KNEW HE DID AND THAT HE WAS ALREADY SORRY. 
ANY IDEALS WHY HE STILL LEFT ???????????????????I SAID I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND HE SAID I STILL LOVE YOU!!!!! HE WONT TALK TO ME AND HASNT FOR 5 WEEKS NOW.. WHAT IS THIS BEHAVIOR I DONT GET THE ILOVE YOU BUT IM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU THING EITHER ..... IS IT JUST THE FOG TALKING OR IS THERE REALLY FOG?????? HOPELESS AND LOSTNIKKI

Sorry Nikki,There are some real jerks out there. Sometimes there are things that sadly we will never know. Good luck and God be with you. I know how it hurts. Love is only true as described in I Corr. 14. It amounted to infatuation by him and my wife not love. He never really loved you anymore than my wife loved me. My wife was too stuck on Lesbianism and still is I guess.

Wait! Wait! Wait! I also have to state what someone else did. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" does not always mean that the person who says it is cheating. I said this to my husband about 4 years in to our marriage. Why? Because HE had cheated on me, because he was getting a really bad temper and I didnt like the way he was treating me or our kids. He was lying to me all the time then too. With each lie, it changed how I felt towards him little by little. To the point that I told him that I loved him, but I was not in love with him anymore. I wasnt leaving the marriage either, but I was not happy with things at that point too. I also told him back then that I was trying to figure out how I could love someone, but not LIKE them. So yes, if someone makes this comment, they could be the one having an affair. But it ALSO means that due to actions on YOUR part, they are slowly falling out of love with you. Take it as a warning either way. Cause once someone 'loves you but isnt in love with you', thats when I think the circumstances are at their most prime for an affair to occur. But it's not just about 'oh, they will cheat on me cause they think this or feel this', it's about YOU looking at YOU to find out and see what it is YOU have done to make the other person have changes in what they feel towards you. Just my opinion.....

NO! Not the Kama Sutra book! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] That @#* beepin' book!! It was that darn book that was part of sealing confirmation to me that my H & OW did have a PA. She pulled the whole Victoria's Secret (more like Priscillas or Fredericks) stunts & tricks & obviously caught my H in her web. She was married too (ol' b@#*@) but got divorced last yr. Probably had plans with my H at the time. Anyway, I think 2 people who learn certain discoveries & experiments by themselves are much better off & much happier.I agree with the meaning of the "fog" catch phrase, but I am disillusioned with so many who agree with its logic. I guess its opening up a can of worms on what exactly "LOVE" means. But to me if you love someone, then you are in love with them, whether you like it or not. What makes me sad is that so many see infatuation and hormones/chemisty as love. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I agree that the feelings change, but it is still love. After 10 years, I don't expect raging hormones like a teenager with heavy panting & all. It is deeper, mellower, more unspoken. More mental, but all encompassing. Even when I am mad as hell I still love my H. I want to forgive him hurting me & doing things he may not realize hurt me. I think love is giving & not expecting anything in return (In general, dont attack me!. I know many here dont want to be treated as doormats etc).I just cant explain it well enough. Just because you dont want to get naked etc doesnt mean the love is gone. It takes effort and work. I fear there are so many who are junkies for that emotional high & when it fades (infatuation) they ditch the spouse & find another. Sometimes even dumping them, when reality sets in only to start the cycle over.Somewhere I saw a good analogy that I tried to relay to H at one time, but he told me he wanted that spark (infatuation, adrenaline rush, whatever! Its not Love!). It was that Infatuation etc is like putting a piece of paper on the fire - there is initially a big flame burst, but then the fire goes out. Whereas, put a big log on the fire & what happens - the flame might not surge so high, but the fire sure burns alot longer. I wish people would give more focus on the existing relationship and be willing to let it grow and adapt as the two people involved do. Give REAL Love a chance. Of course theres the "Love is patient, love is kind . . " passage in the bible from the Corinthians. I am not a religious person, but I think its true.But don't bite my head off. I know there are so many of us trying Plan A's when we would rather kill the other person, and going without our own needs being met (hence Kama sutra books & battery stuff [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . How I wish the person we're wanting to come back emotionally, didn't dismiss "Love" so easily [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img][ April 08, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]