Is anyone happy alone? - Marriage Builders® Forums

This is a question Resiliant and I ponder. I know we have too much time discussing relationships, but bear with me.

I dont mean to single out anyone personally, but how come so many people came back to post how they are now happy, and recovering, and getting a divorce, and life couldnt be better, and you just know the next line is going to be, Oh and I met someone.

Do you think people just are not happy unless they are in a realtionship? Do they feel that they were rejected in the marriage and having someone takes the sting out of that? Is out society so couple oriented that people dont feel they are doing well until they are part of a couple? Does having a new relationship help you to take that final step of letting go?

It just makes me wonder because it is so common. I dont think I have ever seem anyone come back with the same message, without that line at the end.

Hey Jo, I stole your topic.

No worries, Lora.

It is uncanny tho, Hon. I've been hanging out here so long and we see time and time again where a BS posts a post telling us how they have finally moved on and found happiness. There's even some that say how they NOW see how their marriage was so flawed and needed to end .. and then that inevitable line appears that states "and oh, BTW .. I met someone".

Before that they were struggling with forgiveness, they were working on themselves, trying to get thru the hurt and betrayal. Then POOF, they are happy ..... but only after they met someone.

So, I pose the same question. Is this really healing? I really want to know because I have met someone that has a similar mindset, he thinks I need to get involved with him in order to heal from the betrayal and find my happiness.

Like Lora, I'm not trying to single anyone out. Lora and I have talked about this so much. I'd really like to know what MB thinks about the idea that it seems people don't feel happiness post-betrayal until they have found someone to replace their ex.

Jo

Lora & resillent,

Very good question. I have been thinking about this topic as well.

I can't answer other people but here's how I feel.

I went through the worse time of my life through my divorce. It seemed that everything I knew before wasn't even real any more. I don't think I was healthy enough to even date.

Now, two years after my ex left and 5 years after I realized my marriage was ending, I am finally feeling good about myself and my life again.

People at work have commented lately that they see a glow about me. I have always been a cheerful person but even with that friends are noticing a difference in me, and it's not a man, because there's no one special in my life.

I've dated, but I am not "in love" or dating anyone I know is that right person yet, but I have this excitement about my new life, that is kind of undescribable.

Of course, not every day is full of happiness, but every day is a better day for me.

I don't know if this will make sense, but I think because I am starting to really be happy that it draws people to me.

There is one thing I still think is missing and that is that close relationship between a husband and a wife.

Adam had the whole world at his hand and yet God understood Adam was missing something; a partner.

So, as for me, yes I am happy being alone, but no I do not think I am totally fulfilled in my happiness, I think there is more to come. I think the last piece of my puzzle is the man I can spend the rest of my life with.

I also think that when people start getting to this point of "getting it all back together" that often that will be the time someone special will come in to their lives, because others see this as well.

c'ya'll and good luck with finding answers.

ANNA

Interesting question, Lora. I'm divorced (almost, papers signed) and it wasn't due to infidelity on any of our parts. We grew apart really fast. REALLY fast. And W left me, not the other way around.

ANYWAY...instead of moning into an apartment myself, I share a house with sme friends and yeah, I'm actually dating a lot, even though we've only been separated eight months. We were married almost three years.

I miss my W tremendously, but know the R is a goner. She has changed drasticaly. At 38, I'm really not much different than I've ever been.
I'm evolving, but not changing.

I tell you one thing, the ratpack of friends I have, and many of them are new, have been like a big old communal family to me. My home, as hectic as it is, is more familyish than it ever was with my W and I. I spent my married years alone much of the time as W was stressed, tired, compulsively working, upset, depressed, bored, or just plain angry.

And I'm not necessarily WITH anyone at all, now. There is a trickle turning into a very small stream of women coming into my life that make me feel loved and worthwhile.

So yeah, maybe I count in your observance. I don't really think of it as anything but back to life as it used to be. I don't want it this way. But it has to be this way.

I think the new connections are a critical part of the "new happiness". Whether it's monogomous or serial ( ie dating).

I've thought about this question most of the day. Most of my online time is spent on an outstanding divorce board. One mantra is "learn to be happy alone".

Well ok, but the pattern seems to be that the validation and experience of ourselves we're looking for at the conclusion of our marriges comes with these new connections.

There doesn't seem to be any substitutes, imho.

I also consider those folks very lucky. I try not to be envious...

xxx

[ June 02, 2004, 02:15 AM: Message edited by: skye ]

For the first time ever on MB, I think I'll throw in some philosophical words.... actually, it's sociological. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That's right... society SCREAMS "coupledom" at us. How many commercials or t.v. shows are all about singles going out by themselves? None that I've seen. And if it's a bunch of people (pick your sex, men or women)... what are they likely talking about? The opposite sex, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Okay, yes, I am triggering regarding this issue a LOT lately, because I'm lonely. But what I'm actually lonely for could be fulfilled by just about any adult. I've promised myself that I don't want to fall into what society is "expecting" me to do. And quite honestly... I really am a LOT happier without my M right now.

Irregardless... just take a look at the media. Pick any time of day, and watch tv for, I dunno... 20 minutes? 10? Whatever length of time you want probably.. and you'll find the same theme of "coupledom".

Yes, there ARE exceptions. For example, "Oprah" concentrates much of her programming on finding our inner selves, and focusing on our spirit. And I can't think of too many kids shows (pre school) that portray coupledom and/or marriage. It's just a non-issue. Everybody is "friends" with everybody else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'm far too tired to argue this properly, and I do hope that someone else will chime in on the subject, and be able to word it more eloquently <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . But my point is, I believe that society expects us to be in an intimate partnership with someone (usually of the opposite sex; but times they are a changin'! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). So for those of us who don't fit into that "category" (yet???), we can feel rather left out, and less "normal" perhaps?

Karen

I can't help but think of Diane Warrack. One of the most successful, if not the most successful love song writer in this age; and yet the main television interview on her focused on how she has never been married and doesn't have a special man in her life.

ANNA

Yes i am very happy alone.. It just makes life better when you have someone to chare the happiness with..

Hopes this make sence.

I am happy. Happier than I have been in several yrs, in fact I get happier ever day & there is NO ONE nor is there likely ever to be. I like me.

Now sometimes I get lonely. It seems most of my friends drifted away between the A, the move, the return and such. But you know I don't need people like that. I am happy with the boys, my job, and just living. Now I do miss shopping..........but you can't have everything.

WS & I may never finaliz the D, I don't know but for us at this time it works. It could change tomorrow, if/when we ever do finaliz things, I will feel sad, but it want kill me. I went through that 2 yrs ago.

The waste still makes me sad but I am happy.

Hi JO and you too Lora. nice to see you around.

[ March 08, 2003, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: sing ]

<grin> The last 2 years of my marriage were rocky, with some happiness. Since separating and since she left, I haven't had any happiness... and in comparison, the rocky times were way better than what I'm going through now.

Oh, by the way, I'm trying to meet myself... and I'm finding that I'm not much fun for me to hang out with... All my hobbies and interests... when i do them alone... feel like exercise (hiking, snowboarding, etc.) or practice (writing, guitar, etc.). Where's the fun? And, while we're at it... where's the LOVE???

Good job skye.

I have always needed a man in my life to feel happy... complete!!

That is until now...

I love, love, LOVE my life more than I ever have... sure I'm dating, but not any one person... I love my space and being able to come and go as I please... I love just being home alone... I love having the bed all to myself!

I have surrounded myself by friends... male and female... and I have my 2 boys!

What more could I ask for ~ not a thing!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

[ March 09, 2003, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]

Here, here, Skye!!!!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Skye wrote:
But, whether I ever have another relationship or not, will not be the determining factor of my happiness or the level of personal success for me.

But, I do know that unless and until I do have another man in my life -- some people will continue to dismiss and to diminish everything else in my life as second best.<hr /></blockquote>I so understand this. I think, and I hope it's possible to feel "WHOLE" without a man in my life. And until I feel that way, I'm not allowing myself to fall "in-love" with anyone. I want to fall in-love with me first.

It seems from all I've read here and from my short experience as a single, a resounding message I'm receiving is THE benchmark of being healed and moving on, is being a "Couple" again.

Jo

[ March 09, 2003, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]

oh sheesh! I am thinking way to much on this subject now.

Okay, it's one sentence, "That human touch." It's a need most of us have, just like eating our favorite foods, we would miss them if they were gone.

ANNA

Good thread, good answers.

I look back over the past 2.5 years and I can say I am pretty happy being out of a relationship. When exH first left, it was devastating, and I kind of wondered how any 38 year old woman would ever find a guy who could enjoy being around an old bird. After 6 months, I dated a few times, but it wasn't right. Sort of fell into a relationship and that lasted a lot longer than it should have, maybe more because of the "companionship" issues than anything else.

I found out how badly my kids had been abused by exH, learned I had been living in a severely emotionally abusive situation for years. exH is a full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I KNOW that the kids and I are way better off without him in our lives.

The last 2.5 years were spent trying to protect us from exH as he spent $100,000 plus on trying to drag me under. He didn't care what he did to me or the kids. I've dealt with the kids' issues on my own; the older D, who was abused the worst, has intense rage attacks and I happen to be the convenient target. I ran and built a business that is continuing to grow, I've been doing house repairs and remodelling that should have been done during the time exH was here.

My life is full. Since exH has been gone, there are more people around. I'm not always happy, there's been a lot of stress (have a LOT of gray hair now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), but I know that I am doing my best to make things right again in both my life and my kids' lives.

I bought myself a promise ring that I would not get married again, but my attorney made me change that to not get married to another man like exH. I figured I need to get my life on track on my own, then maybe I can think about a relationship. I can safely say that my exH got where he is now in his career because of me, and I am where I am despite him.

My work is interesting... more likely a "male" profession in many eyes, and when I find guys to help out with odd jobs, they all want to be partners or somehow take credit for my work. So I have to say I am cautious around men anymore.

I have no desire to just go out with a lot of guys (my neighbors think I should be out running rampant), I certainly don't have the time to put into a proper relationship, and I'm pretty comfortable at the end of the day going to sleep by myself and knowing that every day is a work in progress.

So in answer to your question... I am comfortable being alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yes, other people feel that either there is something wrong with you if you aren't involved or they think you want your ex back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I don't want to ever be in the situation I was in with my exH; I'm trying to deal with the anger I have towards him for the past 2.5 years of the divorce and the previous 10 years of my non-life with him, the no accountability for the abuse of his children (much less, myself), and that even though it is ended, how he still tries to control the situation.

lori

Hi Lora (Hey too to Jo),

I'm right with you on the 'thinking too much' bandwagon... and let me share something simple I've realized pertaining to your subject line:

Some people are happy alone, and some are not. There isn't a right or wrong way to do it... and don't let anyone tell you there is.

Okay, so-what, I can **do** alone, but I don't want to...I'm one of those 'gotta have a man' women. I'm working on that... because it really does say something about me and my self-esteem... but one thing I ***know*** for sure: having a man doesn't "make me happy"... it just makes it nicer - for me, for him (hopefully)... and it's just who I am. I'm through beating myself up about it...

So Lora, Jo (and anyone else who is alone)... maybe it's time to stop questioning (as if I can do that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and just live - alone, with someone, whatever.

Skye,

Wonderful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Boy, this one has me thinking...

I'm not an "alone" type of person by nature, I like to have someone to "do" for and with...

But the past few months have been strangely peaceful, no walking around on tiptoe, afraid to say the wrong thing...and I never want to take the chance of having to do that again. I WON'T do that again. So in that way I am okay alone.

I try to envision a future with someone, but I just can't. It isn't the same. It just doesn't seem like it could ever be comfortable. So I'm preparing for a solo life - I suppose at my age that is the smartest thing to do - and I think I will be okay with that.

Hi Lora and Jo! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For me, I became very happy on my own. It took almost 2 years but eventually I got to a point where I liked being with just my kids. It's strange, but 21 months after my ex and I split up, there was a guy at work who kept bugging me to go out with him. I kept putting him off because for the first time in my life, I didn't want to be with anyone. My supervisor kept telling me how nice this man was and that I should give him a chance. She thought I needed someone. I finally gave in and ya know what? I avoided him completely after that date. He was a very nice man. Had been divorced for a while and had custody of his 2 kids. But I just didn't want it. I had become happy and content with my independence. I had several male friends and that was all I wanted. I was finally happy.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sometimes I still can't really believe I'm essentially single, though not yet divorced. And I am dating someone. At first, everyone seemed to want to set me up with someone, but now that I'm dating, they leave me alone.

I relate to what bangarra said about dating more for companionship than anything else. That and proving to myself that at 51, someone would still be interested in dating me. I felt so undesirable when my H left me for someone I thought of as so unattractive that when I first heard the rumors of the A, I didn't even feel threatened!

I live out in the boonies, where everyone seems to be coupled up and there really aren't many places to meet someone. When I lived in the city I had lots of single friends - still have several single friends there - and singledom was rarely greeted with matchmaking offers or pointed questions that implied something was wrong with you if you weren't at least dating.

I am sure there are people who are happy alone, but I have noticed that in almost every instance the people who say they are happy alone have decided that after dating someone new, even if only briefly.

Mitzi,

But if my calculations are right, two months after that date you were living with someone you had been dating for only two weeks, whom you later married.

Hi back, Sing. I hope you and the kids are well, Honey.

Lv,
Jo

Yes Nellie, that's true. But what I was trying to say was, I didn't feel comfortable dating UNTIL I was happy with myself. I was happy before I met my current H. It didn't take meeting him and eventually marrying him to make me happy. If I hadn't met him, I would have been just fine by myself.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LetSTry, I know exactly what you mean. I want to date someone just to prove that I am not the "loser" my stbxh would have me think I am. And I do miss the "adult" companionship, conversation, interests, all the neat things we used to do together when things were good. I also RESENT the fact that he has someone to do all that with and not skip a beat!

I love my girls, but they have their own lives and at this point most of my friends are married so it makes it hard for us to continue on the same level. Although most of them are great!

As I said on my earlier post I am making plans to move forward alone, but only time will tell if it makes me feel happy or not...hopefully so!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Nellie1:
[QB]I am sure there are people who are happy alone, but I have noticed that in almost every instance the people who say they are happy alone have decided that after dating someone new, even if only briefly.

QB]<hr /></blockquote>Well I'm the instance who hasn't dated & I am very content alone. I enjoy the time the boys spend with their dad. don't do very much but read but I enjoy my time.

YES, YES, YES ~ I LOVE BEING ALONE, NO ONE BOTHERING ME. I LOVE MY LIFE WITH JUST ME AND MY BOYS.
I AM HAPPY WITH MYSELF, AND NOT REALLY EVEN IN TO THE "DATING THING". JUST NOT INTERESTED IN THAT ANYMORE.
I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED (FOR THE SECOND TIME) FOR 1-1/2 YEARS. I RUSHED INTO A RELATIONSHIP AFTER THE FIRST DIVORCE, WHICH WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAD MADE IN MY LIFE, AND ENDED UP MARRYING HIM, WHICH WAS EVEN A BIGGER MISTAKE.

I GUESS THE ONLY THING I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT I MISS ONCE IN AWHILE, IS THE INTIMACY, BEING TOUCHED, OR SOMEONE JUST BEING THERE. I DON'T REALLY MISS THAT TOO OFTEN, AND IT COMES AND GOES.

I AM FINALLY AT PEACE AT AGE 44, AND I LIKE WHERE I AM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't think God made us to live alone but there is certainly advantages if you desire to live your life a certain way. I keep reminding myself though that I better be careful cause this life can become very selfish.....not alot of stretching and learning another point of view. This is very one-dimensional living. It is different if you have children living with you but when you are a mid-life single, YOU ARE ALONE.

I have never lived alone in the 54 yrs I have been alive so this is a new adventure for me. I am feeling better and better each day about living alone but am still grieving my losses. Statistics show that M is the healthiest way of life cause of the support it provides but the stress of living with an alcohol abuser and unfaithful spouse is not worth the support that may be there.

I do think that I put alot of pressure on my WS to bring me happiness but isn't that what husband's and wives are supposed to do for each other.....bring each other happiness.

I guess the best way to live is to find contentment in whatever comes. What if, why, and what can do I have to do can wear you out and take the enjoyment out of live.

TW

tossedwave, I already wrote a very longwinded response on your thread, but I just had to say here that the statistics I've read show that marriage is definitely healthier for men, in fact the happiest people according to the survey I read, were married men, followed by unmarried women, then married women, and last were the unmarried men.

I've always related to you because you're also in your 50's and your H is also an alcoholic. Take care and remember that this too shall pass.

I'm bumping this up because I think the post on this thread by "Skye" is very insightful for newly divorced folks, as well as the whole dang thread is a good read.

Jo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

[ December 24, 2003, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]

GEEZE Jo,

I thought I was having a senior moment. I thought about posting this morning about being alone and here pops up this post. I thought I wrote it and forgot.

I am feeling sorry for myself tonight, I have a cold and feel miserable and am alone on Christmas eve. I dont know if I should go tomorrow as I had planned becasue I dont want to infect them all. Maybe I can just crawl under the covers and wait for the new year to be here. This one sucks!

I'm sorry you're sick, Lora. I'm still at work, then to co-workers.

I think you should make tons of chicken broth laced with plenty of pepper and drink it all.

If you don't feel up to it, I say you shouldn't go to ex-in-laws tomorrow. Also, you probably are still contagious and with your ex-MIL ill and all ... well you get the jist.

Maybe, just maybe, it's met to be, cuz maybe ex-H would show up at a random time instead of his planned time and you'd have that hurful encounter.

Just some thoughts.

Feel better soon.

Love,
Jo

Merry Christmas to you both.

I have dated and felt much better about the divorce when I was dating, but I think that was because after all the abuse I had been through, it was really nice to have some affection and attention, and someone who cared about ME. After it was over it still gave me confidence about myself and I felt more attractive, that there was indeed hope for me in the future, that I may meet someone who I could share my life with.

I am happy that I do not have to argue every day, that I make plans and they are carried through, that when something needs fixing, it gets done NOW, not when some man feels like doing it, that I can cook or not and not feel guilty, that I can go to bed whenever I like, that I don't have to answer to anyone for everything I do, say and spend, and the list goes on and on. I like my independance.

But today, it is Christmas. This is the first Christmas I have ever awakened alone in the house, ever, my whole life. And that is not a happy feeling. But soon I will be going to my parent's house, and we will have a nice get-together. My brother will be there, and I haven't seen him for so long. No kids, they are with their dad. It is his right, but it still hurts me. No, today I am not happy, but it is only one day in a year, instead of every day BUT one, like it was in my marriage in the end.

So I am grateful.]

Merry Christmas everyone.

Love and light,

Jacky

I've been happy with my H perhaps 10 days in more than 10 years of M -- but there was always the hope that we could have intimacy.

If we D, I won't allow myself to become intimate because of my views of M as being until death do us part. That's why I put up with severe physical abuse but fell apart with an affair.

Thanks for your words, Skye. As I read them, I asked myself, "What, after all, am I going to miss?" This M was not a marriage right from the start. What I am losing is false hope.

I was at church ALONE tonight. The kids didn't want to go. It hurt deep inside to be driving to church by myself. I turned on Grobins CD loud, to sound out the pain in my heart in my vehicle. What was really nice, was the greeting I received at the door and walking in the parking lot. I was given so many hugs, so wonderful, so refreshing, and even got a kiss on my cheek. Pastor and I prayed. He talked to me a little before church, and we prayed. I will see him Sunday. And told him the situation I am in with, the diagnosis of my left shoulder tear, and the situation that my xhusband didn't pay the Dr. that did my right shoulder tear, that my xhusband did to me. And now my left shoulder is torn, from overuse. And my back has never been right since the abusive action my x did to me.

I have medicaid, only until Feb. 12. So I may have to find another Dr. to do the surgery on my left shoulder. Since the first Dr. was not paid in full. When I called the office, they already told me I have an overdue bill. I told them that it was when I was married to my husband, and that now I am divorced and on medicaid. So they are going to talk to the Dr. and see if he will take me. Cause there is somewhere around a $2000 overdue bill with that Dr. If he won't take me, then I have to go through Medicaid to see if I can find another Orthopedic Surgeon that does shoulders. And get this done in the time frame I am in.

Seems I try to get ahead, and then bam! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I get set back again. Pastor and I prayed, and that is all I can do until I start calling, and getting an appointment with a surgeon set up to find out what the surgery will entail.

Hope some of you are having a Merry Christmas. I am not having a Merry Christmas. Just going through the smiles, the thanksyous. But deep inside, I feel like just crawling in a hole and giving up. Hopefully, the new Year will be better. Seems it can't be worse than it has, but I bet it could. So I am just thankful it isn't worse, but would like to have some really wonderful days ahead.

Hope everyone is really thinking about what this day means. The service tonight was wonderful. I would of loved to have my children there to listen. But they all are 17-25 (4 of them) and they all decided like their father that they don't need church. So they are following their fathers footsteps. Makes me sad, but their father impresses the kids. Anyways. Goodnight, and hope some of you can wake up with a smile. Goodnight.