reconciling after you divorce, has anybody done that

is there any stories of people who divorced and then reconciled , I really could use the inspiration,as many stories as I can get

Hi lonelyjrock:

Look at this website for restorations and encouragement: http://restorem.org

Gregg

theres nobody who has reconciled after divorce?

Try the recovery section. This is the divorcing/divorced section. Wish I had a story of how my WS changed and wanted to be a husband but......

Just don't get stuck in false hope. It is a wasteful place to be and it wears you out.

TW

I'm one who's divorced and is hoping to reconcile. I'm seeing a bit of progress now, after a year of waiting for my exH to decide if he wants to. He's now in the 'considering it' phase.

I know of several couples who've successfully remarried, but they don't post here.

Don't give up, but don't hold on to false hope, either.

On the other hand, some would say I had false hope a while back, and now it's turned around a bit.

Take care,
H_P

I haven't personally reconiled, although I am praying and hoping for it! Even if I do have "false hope," it's all made me a better person because I have sought the Lord so much knowing that only He could do such a thing!

I do know of people who've reconciled. I have a prayer partner, from the site that Greg mentioned, who remarried her husband in July, after adultery and divorce and him telling her he didn't love her, etc. I also just met someone who remarried her husband after 3 yrs. of seeking it (after a divorce) and he was the same... told her "no way", etc.

There is a couple named Jenna and Dale Forehand and they have a booked called "Stained Glass Marriage" (you can find them online). They remarried after divorce, and their divorce was very, VERY ugly!! NOw they have a ministry just like the people at Restore Ministries and another ministry, called Rejoice Ministries (www.rejoiceministries.com). Both these wives' husbands had affairs and divorced, but now they are remarried and completely different men!!

I don't think anyone could guarantee that you'll remarry, but I very much believe it's possible, esp. if you are praying and seeking the Lord.

There are two people I know of here who remarried their spouse. I think one of their stories is on a thread in this divorced section called "Success Stories."

To be honest with you, I haven't seen too many people here seeking reconciliation after a divorce. So, don't be discouraged because they are not in here. In fact, if you are seeking reconciliaton, this prob. isn't the best place to be because from what I've seen, there is alot of bitterness, anger and "moving on." Which of course is understandable but not encouraging if you are seeking reconciliation. I only post here to encourage others, but not to seek advice, because like I said, there are not many post-divorce who are seeking reconciliation (in here). I think the ones who are seeking that are home on their knees (praying) or in church!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Try these sites for encouragement towards reconciliation:

http://www.maritalemergency.com/links.htm
http://www.crosslifebooks.com/bookpages/HowToSave.htm
http://www.stainedglassministry.com/templates/gnx16bl/default.asp?id=20320
http://www.maritalemergency.com/next.htm
http://www.lornematthews.com/

Hi LonelyJRock:

Don`t give up. If you Love your ex-spouse, don`t give up. If your spouse once loved you truly, then it will be possible again.

It will take time so hang in there for the long run. It will be a marathon, never a sprint.

Standing in Finland

<blockquote>quote:<hr />there are not many post-divorce who are seeking reconciliation (in here). I think the ones who are seeking that are home on their knees (praying) or in church!! <hr /></blockquote>I believe this statement is very unfair. We are in the divorcing/divorced section of this forum cause all has been tried to save our Ms. I would do anything to repair my M. I constantly read threads by others who feel the same way and have done above and beyond what it takes to turn things around. I tried for 2 years but my H admitted he was unwilling to do anything to work things out. I would not have even been able to stay in Marriagebuilders if I did not want reconcilation. BUT reconciling takes two. There is no effort on my H's part to reconcile....I do believe he wanted to stay married to me and even live with me but he would not make any changes whatsoever including the OW.

I prayed endlessly that God would show me if the A was a catalyst for change to make our M better or an open door for me to have an end to all the pain. I am convinced in God's leading for me....especially cause I belive God speaks to us through his word and works in our circumstances. I repeatedly am encouraged by these words in 2 Samuel 22:20--"He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me". I have never lived in such peacefulness and I am closer to God now than ever and I see God reaching out to so many through my life. Also I am awestruck at how God has provided ALL I need.

Every M has it's own unique circumstances and God works in many ways. I do believe that reconcilation can occur in many marriages effected by affairs. I know unbelievers who never pray who have reconciled but when there is alcoholism, abuse, mental illness etc., reconcilation is very unlikely and cannot occur if the "abuser" will not change and first recover from their abusive obsessions. (my H abuses alcohol and it deeply effected our M)

So, Lonelyjrock, how do you see your M and what is your spouse like? How long has it been since d-day? What hope are you seeing? If there is hope, God will build on it!!!!!

TW

Hi Lonely Rock:

From June 2002 until April 2003, I really worked hard upon reconcilation with my wife. And in April 2003, she became my ex-wife. Since our divorce was official though I have stopped working so hard on reconciliation, and have worked instead on myself, my relationships with my family and friends as well as on my own spirtuality. You know what is happening?? I see little signs all the time that my ex-wife will eventually come back:

- Last week she sent me a text message just to say she is thinking about me.

- She invited herself over to my home (our former home) this coming week to watch a movie together ("just like old times").

- Yesterday she invited me to go with her, her brother, and her mother to visit her dying grandmother.

But even as I see these signs; I do not get excited about them at all. I am not dependent upon them. I also keep myself busy with other things. I focus upon my children, my work, my friends, my family, and I also date on occasion; nothing serious, just fun. I know, in my heart, that reconciliation will happen, but it will take place in a spiritual time frame, not in time as I know it. I know that my ex-wife still sees the man whom she ran to one year ago after my confession. So what!? At least this gives her someone to talk to. I know that she is still working through the pain over my infidelity. It takes time. Ask any woman! I also know that she feels alienated by most of our friends and family whom she perceives are on my side. She isolates herself by working long hours and playing the victim. Ok, she needs time and I want to give it to her. We were together 22 years and we, God-willing, will live another 40 years. I can be patient because she is worth it. This is, in a sense, our time out; our healing years.

Give yourself a year to get yourself together. Keep in touch with your spouse and on occasion show him/her little acts of kindness to demonstrate that you still care. Don`t let more than 10 days go by without some simple gesture; if even just a quick phone call to ask how he/she is doing. By doing little, you gain a lot. Strange, but true.

Standing in Finland

RE: this statement: "there are not many post-divorce who are seeking reconciliation (in here). I think the ones who are seeking that are home on their knees (praying) or in church!!"

It's not really fair or unfair either; but it is true. I have read alot in here, and the truth is, there are not many POST DIVORCE who are seeking reconciliation. It sounds like you did and there are some others who are, but in this world, the majority of people who are divorced, are seeking to "move on," not to reconcile. Most who do want to reconcile are doing like StandinginFinland... trusting in God and praying alot!

Wow, I love to hear everybody's encourgement on not giving up hope.

My W is leaving me not b/c of another man or b/c I cheated on her she's leaving b/c she lost her personailty and herself with me in the last few years. It's clear that I need to work on myself before I work on her.

I will be divorced in a few weeks. I feel so strongly that one day we will be a family again which is why I don't take off my wedding ring. People think I'm nuts but I belive and it gives me inspiration just looking at it.

I didn't realize how much I loved her and being married until she left. You see many things differently on the other side.

I have 2 small children and they make me stand and focus on rebuilding what I once destroyed. My children are worth the fight. Brining my family together isn't going to be easy but I can sleep better knowing I can look my kids in the eye and tell them I'm not giving up. I know it takes to but in all honesty it was probably 80/20 or so.

I'm never giving up and I just started. I can't wait until the day I can get back on this website and tell everybody how if you have faith in the Lord and your abilities anythings possible.
I believe it takes time but my W said it's going to take a few minutes here and a few more minutes there for us to start to build a friendship. She's not gurateening anything but she's not going to deny us or stop anything either.
I've never felt so strongly towards anything in my life. I know God has a plan and I hope it's me fighting for my family and proving everybody wrong.

StandinginFinland when I read the examples you gave of you and your Ex making strides I got chills. Very cool. I think it's those little things that will need to take place before anything else.

Am I naive? Is it going to be painful? Yes, it's all of that and more but it's worth it.
I've been getting literature and various tapes from Rejoice Ministies and it's helped out a lot.
The magic question is 'How can I make my Ex fall in love with me?' I need to put her in situations that she'll see a different person, a person who could not hurt her like before. It's very simple, if your Ex doesn't have feelings for you it's tough to get them back. So, I guess that's the million dollar question...how to make somebody fall in love with you.

I know when I spoke to Mr. Harley he said there is a formula and there are ways to make it happen but my Ex isn't willing to listen to them right now.

Great discussion, please keep it up.

Once again where is the best place on this website to get stores about couples reconciling?

Why do you guys post all those silly trailers to your posts? They read like a list of accomplishments on a resume. No one cares.

Okay, mb3, this is the 3rd comment of yours that is very uncalled for, bitter, and unkind. What is your purpose in posting?? For the record, I CARE! So please don't tell me or anyone else that "no one cares." What you should be saying is that YOU don't care, but you are only one person and someone who obviously has not contributed much thus far, as I have seen.

Mawals... that is great and I pray that your marriage is restored. Rejoice Minsistries is a great ministry and those people are so genuine and sweet. Have you also checked out www.restorem.org?

The only place in here I've seen since I've been here with success stories is one of the threads/post called "Success Stories." There are ALOT of testimonies of restored marriages at www.restorem.org though.

Check out those links I posted above. They all contain success stories too.

Also, here are a couple books I'd recommend to you.

This one is by Ed Wheat. It is only $3.99 and very good. You can buy it here: http://www.crosslifebooks.com/bookpages/HowToSave.htm

This one is specifically for husbands for "winning" back their wives and is by Gary Smalley: http://cave3.r5i.com/cgi-bin/catalogmgr/198081026136024312/browse/item/60314/28/0/0. For any woman reading, there is also this same book by Gary Smalley for women called "Winning Your Husband Back Before It Is Too Late."

God bless!!

Dear All:

Standing is not easy. There will be some good days and then some very, very bad days. When the tears come, let `em fly. Just when you think you are getting close, you will get knocked back down again. Like the greek myth of the guy rolling the rock up the hill forever. But don`t give up because True Love can and will lead the way. One comforting source I keep referring to is the good ol´ "serenity prayer"; how it reminds us not to fret over that about which we have no control. Rather, know that all is in God`s hands. As God did not give me the power to read minds, I really can never know for sure what my x-wife is thinking. I can only know and believe in what she actually says; and since she has never said to me that we will never return together, I continue my hope.

Here In Finland, we had a Presidential election some years ago where most of the population considered their only option to be the lesser of two evils (just like most elections, right?!) This is how I think of my ex-wife`s dilemma. Because, through my infidelity, I exploded her myth of the perfect storybook marriage (which is how we at most times viewed our marriage), my ex-wife has been forced to deal with the cruel reality that life sometimes requires us to choose the lesser of two evils. Life on her own is not proving to be all it was cracked up to be. There is loneliness, less money, less time with the children, changed former relationships, lack of time, and much more uncertainty about what used to be so clear. On the other hand, reconciling with me would involve trusting again, leaving her feelings wide open, exposing that raw underbelly of emotion, saying goodbye to her lover(s), and also risking being hurt once again by me. My mission is to assure her that reconciling is at the moment, the lesser of two evils. Both paths involve risk, but because I keep demonstrating a marked change from the betrayer I was, reconciling should be seen by her as the better choice.

I think, except for extreme cases, divorce, and its long term consequences is the worse choice among many evils. I recommend a book which supports this belief: "The Case Against Divorce" by Diane Medved.

Hang in there Mawals and Lonely Rock. Pray, breathe, and take good care of yourselves.

Still Standing in Finland

[ August 30, 2003, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: StandingInFinland ]

m3bim:

Why do you guys post all those silly trailers to your posts? They read like a list of accomplishments on a resume. No one cares.[/QUOTE]

Actually, they have them so that when someone reads a post others don't have to ask 20 questions
to find--something that has been previously posted..and they give a little back ground on the poster...

Like for example--

I am BS/D-day 4/01
Married 34 years
Separated 9/01
WS moved back 5/02 to work on M.
WS unwilling to rebuild cause it means change and giving up OW.
I moved out of our home (which I waited 25 yrs for) on 11/02 and legally separated.

This alone tells me the person is a betrayed spouse, they found out about the affair April 2001
they had been married 34 years,--they seperated, and tried reconcilliation..the spouse so far has been unwilling to end the affair--

A little information..but at the same time..a lot of understanding to whats going on..

standing in finland its inspirational to read your story, thank you ,for the past 4 months i;ve been letting my words do the talking and it was to much for my wife, I finally told her I'm done doing so much talking and I;m just going to let my actions do the talking, i'm going to give up on love for now, thats all I can do because i just pushed her away more and more before,i'm just going to work on myself, and be the man that she would want to be around, one thing i'm going to do is be a big brother, I think it will be good for me, she got upset when I told her that because she wanted me to do that with her about 3 years ago and I didnt, so she thinks I'm doing all of this changing to make her fell different, I told her I'm doiung it for myself,that it will be good for me, I guess I understand though what she is thinking because she cant really trust what im saying right now ,hopefully over time she will learn to accept that if I am changing i am going to do things that I didnt do in the past, I'm just putting it in gods hands, and I told her if we are meant to be together we will be together, she agreed, so time will only tell i guess, I just hope the lord will soften he heart, and she will learn to trust me again, because I had alot of broken promises in the past, please pray for me

Have any of you that are desiring reconciliation w/ ex-spouse, told your ex-spouse how you feel, that you would love to reconcile? It's a risk of being rejected I know, but if you don't say anything to them, can they read your mind? And if you do tell them how you would love to be reconciled it could also cause them to think about the possibility of that happening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Let them know how much you love them, let them know how much you care for them!! Let them know you think about them often (more like think about them all the time). Let them know!!! Let them know!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ladysheep

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by ladysheep:
Have any of you that are desiring reconciliation w/ ex-spouse, told your ex-spouse how you feel, that you would love to reconcile? <hr /></blockquote>This would be verrrrrrrry difficult, since EX-H and I have NO (ZERO) contact. HIS choice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The good news is that according to RestoreM.org web site, this is not necessary, since when everything is prepared, & in place, and you have made the changes GOD is making in you, He WILL bring your spouse home.

ladysheep thats the problem, I have been telling her how I feel and she knows I love her and I want to be with her, I ve been doing that for the past 4 months and its only pushed her away, because thats all ive been doing is talking ,no action, thats what im doing now, actions speak louder than words, thats how I look at it now

lonelyjrock, The DIVORCING/DIVORCED forum is not the best place to look, though not long ago there was a weekly prayer group that was focused on restoring marriages, but it moved to another forum (anyone who knows if it's still going on and where it is, feel free to chime in here!).

tossedwave, THANK YOU for expressing my sentiments exactly. I tried for a long, long time to restore my M through this forum, and even longer on the RECOVERY forum. I'm still not divorced because my H seems to enjoy being supported by me without jeopardizing his final share of the settlement - since I'm forced to keep our business going, etc., etc. while paying him support because he's chosen not to work. Sorry, don't get me started...

My H returned to his true love, drugs and alcohol, and found an OW who fits the bill as the "lower companion" that AA talks about alcoholics seeking out. If he had chosen sobriety, I was ready to forgive all, but maybe God has other plans for both of us.

m3bim, I'm personally very interested in the "silly trailers" you disdain. As ThornedRose said, it saves a lot of unnecessary questions.

ladysheep, I made it very clear to my STBXH that I wanted to reconcile. I told him I loved him, I set up a marriage therapy weekend for us that he attended with me and then went right back to the OW, couples counselling with several different counselors (because after a few sessions, he'd always decide, "they're on you're side"), including Steve Harley (who, BTW, recommended divorce in my case because of my H's substance abuse and verbal abusiveness - though I wasn't yet ready to let go at the time he advised this).

Many of us on this forum have made every possible effort to reconcile, including the things recommended on all those other sites. Like StandingInFinland, I'm working on myself, my relationships in general, especially my relationship with God.

LetStry, I think a key element in not being able to rebuild is the alcohol/drug/addiction situation in a lot of marriages. If honesty is needed, there is no hope for the M stuggling with addiction. Addiction gets it power from denial and deceit.

If there were no addiction in my H's life, I probably would be still living in my M. I support anyone who can wait til the dust settles and work things out. The A does come into the light and there is hope for rebuilding. I would do anything to be married to my H right now. I hate the single life and I was the one who wanted marriage, family, togetherness, sharing and building things together.

TW

Hi Lupolady,

This would be very difficult since Ex-H and I have no (zero) contact. HIS CHOICE.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I truly wish you love and happiness. Jesus is the best husband of them all. I was a single woman for many years as Jesus being my only husband. Some of the best years of my life.
No H compares to Him!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> When I was single I missed companionship of a male. Now that I'm married, I miss the undivided attention I was able to give to my Lord. It is so true of the
scriptures in that the unmarried woman/man cares about how he/she pleases the Lord, and the married woman/man cares about how he/she pleases her spouse. It was much easier being single and just having to pleasing the Lord. Just being honest!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Don't fret. His plan for you is good, and to give you a future and a hope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hi lonelyjrock,

I have been telling her how I feel and she knows I love her and I want to be w/ her. I've been doing that for 4 months adn it's only pushed her away, because that's all I've been doing is talking, no action. That's what I'm doing now. Actions speak louder than words, that's how I look at it now.
I think that's good. May the Lord cause her to trust you again. May the Lord cause her to forgive you, and to give you another chance, and may He knit and join you together in His love, never to be broken apart again.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hi LetsTry,

I made it very clear to my STBXH that I wanted to reconcile.
Good. May he never forget that!!!

....including Steve Harley (who BTW, recommended divorce in my case because of H's substance abuse and verbal abusiveness-though I wasn't ready to let go at the time he advised this).
Yes, I can understand why. God protects also.
Has your Ex since sought help for his substance abuse? With substance abuse involved, marriages are pretty much doomed until sobriety is acheived first, then and only then can a marriage be worked on. Let's pray that man gets
sober and comes to the light!!!!

I'm working on myself, my relationships in general, especially with God.
That's good!! God has good things in store for you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Look in the "Prayer Requests" forum for group that posts restoration of marriage prayer requests.

Dear All:

The Woody Allen movie evening want splendidly. Just the "five" of us (mainly the two of us, but then our two children and Shih Tzu also watched off and on). We watched, laughed, and talked. No heavy pressure. No deep isssues. Just being together. That was yesterday.

Then today as I am leaving my divorce support group, I receive a text message asking me where I am. My ex-wife was, at that moment, on the train coming home and wondered whether I was on the same train and whether we could walk home together. She said she just wanted someone to talk to and that it needed to be someone special, so she thought of me. I visited her apartment for coffee. We just talked again casually. Then she suggests that we go for a walk this coming Friday evening (5 September) which happens to be the 23rd anniversary of the day we first met. That day in 1980 was also a Friday. Wow!! Yes, I said, let`s walk and talk.

So here I am getting all these signs that she may be ready to begin talking again. I have let her be for half a year and now I am beginning to see changes. Is this God touching her or is this just because her sports writer lover has stopped touching her? I believe the former, but the latter has crossed my mind.

Finally, after coffee at her place, we had a joint task to perform at my home. Yesterday, my daughter and I brought a sick hedgehog to our local vet. She had found it in our backyard and kept it alive for a day by feeding it and keeping it warm. Well, the little creature died today at the vet`s office and I had to share this sad news with my daughter. If my ex-wife hadn`t invited me over for coffee though I would have shared this news with my daughter alone, but instead we did it together as a mother and father should. Is this God working again? I really think so. Something is happening in her heart. I will be patient though and not jump to any conclusions until the answer is crystal clear.

Standing in Finland

standinginfinland that is great to hear that your wife is opening her heart to you , babysteps is the best way I think to approach it, It give me insperation to see what is happening to you, as I said earlier I only hope my actions speak louder than words, I told her I'm letting go of lover for now, she knows how I feel and how I want to be with her again someday, so the best thing for me to do is just let time go on, and I;m leaving it in gods hands, if were ment to be together we will be together,di d your wife start showing positive signs when you just started working on yourself, and not working on trying to save the marriage?

StandingInFinland, Hope things go well with your ex-wife. I'll be praying for you.

tossedwave and ladysheep, Yes, the substance abuse is/was, IMHO (though my H blamed me totally for his choices), the major issue in the end of my marriage. Apparently my H also had an ongoing problem with infidelity throughout our M, even during his years of sobriety, really just another "drug." He is also extremely verbally abusive when he's not sober.

But, I was totally willing to start over if he'd chosen to return to sobriety and reconciliation. Instead, he's still abusing drugs and alcohol and living with much younger MOW while I support them both. Since he continues to blame me for everything that's gone wrong in his life, I maintain no contact for the sake of my own sanity and recovery.