Without getting into all the details, I've been married almost 6 years with a 4 yr old and 2 yr old. Over the summer we were in different states for 6 weeks due to work and moving, and he used that time to party and other self destructive behavior. (We have never been partiers - never really drank.) In July he told me over the phone he didn't think he loved me anymore and became totally cold and withdrawn. I flew up to see him and we had an emotional and wonderful 5 days together. He was released from work at that point and we were living together again. We had some counseling and went on a Retrouvaille weekend where we learned how to communicate our feelings. I have been wonderful to him and tried to meet every EN possible. He went back and forth between being withdrawn and seeming normal, even affectionate at times. He told me he was committed to our marriage and to working things out. However, I found out this week that he's been lying to me, deceiving me. He's told people our marriage is over, that he was moving out while I visited my sister for the week. He has taken time off work behind my back on at least 2 separate occasions, and once went out of state to see OW and her husband and children(emotional affair - one sided on his part - you'll just have to believe me). He wasn't supposed to even be talking to them but he was, and told our 4 yr old to keep it a secret. I want more than anything to save our marriage. I was planning on going back and just allowing him to leave, since I can't take the emotional upheaval anymore anyway. He's in counseling (first session was Monday) and apparantly counselor thinks 3 mo. separation is a good idea. But then I read things on this board about separation being a death sentence. What do I do? Do I try to get him to stay at home, but promise just to leave him alone for 3 months? I don't even know that he would consider it. Does our marriage stand a chance if we go through with a separation? I am just so sad for our girls. And unbelievably, I still love him despite how he's hurt and betrayed me. I guess that's because I meant my vows and I consider him my family. I can't tell my sister she's not my sister any more. I view him the same way. He is miserable with himself because he is trying to pick and choose according to his feelings what to believe or what to live by and he has turned his back on his old beliefs, his relationship with God and his old friends. He claims he has is kids in mind, that they shouldn't have a miserable father.
What do I do?

Hey fhl04

FLH,
I’m so sorry But welcome.
Separation does not have to be the death knoll for your marriage. If it is unplanned, unorganized, and ditch and run separation, chances are it will be. If it is handled carefully, with guidance from a professional with specific objects in mind it can work wonders. Get the book Should I Stay or Should I Go: How a Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel. A controlled separation can be used with Plan A. Plan B is another type of separation with entirely different aims, and most likely not what you want to do at this point.

FLH,

Welcome to MB. You will find a lot of support here and if you read through much of the site and the Harley concepts, you'll learn a lot about relationships too.

One thing that stands out in your post is that you feel your marriage won't stand a chance if you seperate.

There are a lot of people here who have seperated and saved their marraige. I'm not so sure they are posting on Divorced forum but I've been out of the loop for quite some time.

But I have several friends at home even who have survived affairs and quite honestly, all of them seperated.

I know when you're seperated it's all the easier for him to cheat, and you might feel like you can't "keep an eye on him". But in all honesty, if he's going to cheat, EA or PA, he'll do it whether you live together or not. Whatever issues you two had before the EA must still be there.

It's one thing to work on saving your marriage but you can't just sit there and take it like a doormat either. (been there, done that).

As you read through the site, and start reading through stories, you'll read many examples of people who aren't living together but trying to save their marraige.

It's a long hard road. I tried for over a year, I know some people on this site, probably tried 3 years, but each case is different and seperating in itself will not make it or break it. It's what you do before and during the seperation that will matter most. There are a lot of tools here for you to use.

Good luck, keep posting and hang in there,
DanaB