What do you miss the most about being married?

I am having a bit of a depressing time this week, my first week as a divorced person. I'm longing for the good old days before the mess of our infidelity and separation and divorce.

If I could tell you what two things I miss the most right now, they would be:
1) having someone to hug and cuddle with
2) having a partner to face this world with, someone with whom I have a life plan

I am so sad and regretful about the end of my marriage and my new independence, complete with a future of uncertainty.

I am really having trouble believing all of the people who tell me I will find someone someday to love and have children with. I wanted to do that with my now exH.

For you other divorced folks out there: if you could narrow down what you miss about being married to only 1 or 2 things, what would you say?

Jen

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Jen Brown:

1) having someone to hug and cuddle with
2) having a partner to face this world with, someone with whom I have a life plan <hr /></blockquote>Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

Believe it or not, things can get better. Even tho this "new beginning" was forced on you, God can still use it to being beauty and joy to your life.

I still haven't found anyone, don't have some incredible future to look forward to....but I do know that God is with me and He has given me back joy and understands my longing to be married again.

Draw close to Him.

Hi Jen,

I so understand what you mean. I'm in the process of divorcing my second husband. It was not a good marriage. Our auspicious beginnings, I'm sure, played a huge part in our demise.

However, there are times when I miss him more than I'd like to admit. We did have good times, I miss our long, long talks.

What do I miss most? The way he challenged me intellectually and on so many other levels.

In spite of our horrrendous past, I think I will love him forever. We had/have such a strong bond.

Take good care,
Francis

Jeez, Francis, I think *I* wrote that. I am separated from my 2nd and I really miss sleeping with him-just having him there. I also miss talking to him more than once a day.

I am so hopeful that we can work things out but the problems are basic behavior things and I really don't know if we can. It makes me sad.

I don't really miss my ex at all. There were far too many BAD things that went on in our M, and I'm a MUCH healthier person with him out of my life.

There is only ONE thing that I do miss about him... and that is that he was the only person whom I felt totally comfortable talking to about our deceased son, Andrew. He and I are Andrew's only parents. There is NO ONE else out there that can understand about him, and those special family times that we had together. (granted, a lot of my feelings are from a happier time... before I knew much of what I know now... back at a time when I thought he was going to be a great father, and we would be one happy family, blah blah blah. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ).

Over time, those "bad" things seem to disappear. When we're not faced with them everyday (the constant criticisms, the lack of concern for our feelings, the laziness, the SNORING... OMG!! I will NEVER miss that!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

It's time for the book chapters analogy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> This is the end of one (of perhaps many) chapter(s), and the start of a new one. Just like in any great novel, you need to read through ALL of the chapters, in order to have closure, and a complete picture in the end. Consider this the closing of one of those chapters Jen. I know it's sad, and the mourning is necessary, but it is also the dawn of something wonderful and new. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Yeah, that cuddling thing is a big thing. Sure do miss that.

And I have the cruds this week. I miss having someone say, "I'll deal with the children. Get a cup of tea and go to bed."

Having someone do the maintenance stuff on the house.

Adult conversation about life and stuff.

Having some recreational companionship. Mostly travel.

Sex. Not that x was that interested.

That's the sort of stuff I miss.

I miss the dog, and having my yard work done without paying someone for it.
My X was so emotionally withdrawn that I got very little from the relationship. I don't miss the feeling that I had three children, not two.

I'm thinking ........ I'm thinking ..............

For me...
It's having a home with a mom, dad, and two daughters.
It felt so right, and I was proud to have been married for 18 years.

But, today, do I miss not knowing if my XH was being faithful? Not one bit!
Having freedom from his infidelity is a great feeling.
I don't care who he flirts with, cheats with etc..

K

Since I am in the seperated stage, The anger, jelousy, and lies my STBXW tells, and believes, and has now convinced adult daughter too, hurt beyond words. I stick close to my friends, find comfort in their words and move on. After what she has been doing and saying, I dont think I will ever be able to say that I miss her. She has destroyed any future relationship we could have had. the suffering ones......The kids who cant stand to be around her, want to stay with me and she threatens to get custody any time she can fit it into the conversation.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Jen Brown:
For you other divorced folks out there: if you could narrow down what you miss about being married to only 1 or 2 things, what would you say?<hr /></blockquote>For me, the answer is pretty easy, but I can't narrow it down to just one or two things. How about 10? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In no particular order:
The affection. The sexual fulfillment. The conversation. The recreational companionship. The honesty and openness. The physical attraction. The financial support. The domestic support. The family commitment. The admiration.

In case you don't get it, those are Harley's ten emotional needs. (I know - I am the master of the obvious!) Of course, the reason me and my W are divorcing is precisely because we didn't meet each others' EN's during our marriage. So missing them now seems no different than missing them then... But I still miss them.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Jen Brown:
I am so sad and regretful about the end of my marriage and my new independence, complete with a future of uncertainty.

I am really having trouble believing all of the people who tell me I will find someone someday to love and have children with. I wanted to do that with my now exH.<hr /></blockquote>I can sympathize completely, Jen. What I have been trying to do is to face the reality, and face the facts - which are, we each couldn't find a way to meet our respective EN's. In my case, I discovered MB and my W refused to consider the concepts. Her choice, and not a lot I could do about it except move on and move forward. When I look back, I feel pain and anguish, but I have found a way to look forward to a better day for myself where I know I will be happy and not feel the way I feel today. I just finished a book called "Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda", about the toxic emotions of guilt and regret, and it was quite helpful in getting me to change my perspective on life, from backward-looking to forward-looking. Might I suggest to you, Jen, that you may benefit from trying to do the same? In a way, perhaps what you are asking here is your way of trying to look forward. We all must certainly learn from our past, but not dwell on it.

I guess my point here is that you seem to simply be trying to determine your top 2 EN's, and as such, you are on the right track to being happy again someday. It does take time, patience, and most of all, confidence that it will happen for you. Best wishes...

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> In no particular order:
The affection. The sexual fulfillment. The conversation. The recreational companionship. The honesty and openness. The physical attraction. The financial support. The domestic support. The family commitment. The admiration.
<hr /></blockquote>I don't miss being married because I got none of this in my M. I was a single parent in a marriage.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> In no particular order:
The affection. The sexual fulfillment. The conversation. The recreational companionship. The honesty and openness. The physical attraction. The financial support. The domestic support. The family commitment. The admiration.

In case you don't get it, those are Harley's ten emotional needs. (I know - I am the master of the obvious!) Of course, the reason me and my W are divorcing is precisely because we didn't meet each others' EN's during our marriage. So missing them now seems no different than missing them then... But I still miss them.
<hr /></blockquote>This is a huge ditto for me also. I know for myself I felt like my top ten EN's were not being met for at minimum two years prior to filing. I just figured if I stuck it out, maybe....I now know that the only person that I can change or improve is ME, and since the situation didn't change, I did. After 14 yrs, I wanted more, never mind the verbal and sexual abuse issues. If those didn't come into play, I still would have wanted more.

Jen, I totally agree with you on having someone to sleep next to you. It's not about the sex, at least not for my part - it's about the closeness on ALL LEVELS. I recently remembered what it feels like to fall asleep next to someone, and let me tell ya...WAY harder on you emotionally than "just sex". Besides, I feel like if I wanted meaningless no emotional sex, I coulda stayed with XH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
skip

Hi Jen Brown,

1.) Knowing that there is someone that always cares.

2.) The kids

I’m only separated. What do I miss? Someone to enjoy the children with. Most other things soured. Going out to dinner was fun, but in the end it was horrible because I was miserable. Like Newly, my h. was pretty absent, either reading, doing the cross word puzzle or looking up auction records on the computer. I came to rely more and more on my friends and extended family, so there’s not a huge hole in my life. Plus, I was never much of a cuddler! I’m not even sure I miss sex all that much!

I miss everything, including having someone else who cares about the children like I do, being part of an intact family.

It never gets better, it never gets easier. After 5 years, that has not changed, and I don't imagine it ever will.

Nellie---after 5 years, it hasn't gotten better? UGH...that is one thing I don't want to hear.

Two things I miss:

>Having someone to grow old with.

>Sharing the little, simple things in life i.e. going to a movie, cleaning the yard, chatting over dinner, getting someone else's perspective on things, knowing someone else was nearby.

1. Clean floors
2. An impeccable yard and lawn

I like Newly was a married single parent so I don't miss the traditional things as I never really had them. However, even though my XH was suffering from an addiction, was extremely self centered, and emotionaly unavailable to me throughout our marriage, he was anal about the above two things and anyone who knows me knows that I just can't meet his standards.

I have to say though that I can do with messy floors and a less than perfect yard because what I have now is so much better. I have my life back, I have the four most beautiful children, and I am lucky enough to have met a man who has shown me the true meaning of love and a mutually fulfilling relationship. It is awesome to discover the many things in life that I had been missing while struggling to make a marriage work with a man who really didn't have a clue and couldn't have cared less.

Jen- What you are experiencing is really quite normal. You are grieving a loss and I really believe it will get better. Hang in there!

Take care and God bless!

K

I think I am foggy now or something b/c I CAN'T REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT BEING MARRIED.

Like a mental block. It was horrible for last 2 years...oh well, maybe 3 years of it.

I can have glimpses of his paying the yard man, his paying for the maid. His giving me money to go shopping. His temper tantrums. His giving jewelry to me to make up for his complete lack of meeting any of my EN's.

And in retrospect, the sex was good but I know it's gonna be better in the future. He kept calling and calling for over a year trying to have a late night hookup with me and I guess that must mean I did that part right. He even told his new W, former mistress FV that "I was best one ever" (and he's slept with a lot apparently..). She said that last fall in her idiot phone call to me. Funny but I never called him for any of that late night stuff.

I think I would like:
somebody meeting my EN's.
somebody stable to come home to and eat a real family dinner with
somebody who would want to listen to my day and little stuff.
somebody who will be there for my son and I and be a good dad.
somebody who will for once do something around the house themselves instead of whipping out a credit card or wallet to do it.

Thanks folks for sharing what you miss, and for your encouragement too.

asb3pe - I hear you about the unmet needs. Now there are just all 10 being unmet, instead of some of them. Do you know who the author of that "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda" book is? That sounds like a worthwhile read for me.

Nellie1....It never does get better, even after 5 years? Thanks for your very honest answer. I am so sorry to hear that you are still struggling with the loss of your marriage after so long.

I swear a stupid part of being married that I also miss is how socially acceptable it was to be married. It was like having succeeded at one of society's biggest expectations, that you get married and find happiness. There is so much societal pressure to seek out marriage.....

Jen

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Jen Brown:
asb3pe - I hear you about the unmet needs. Now there are just all 10 being unmet, instead of some of them. Do you know who the author of that "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda" book is? That sounds like a worthwhile read for me.<hr /></blockquote>The book is:
"Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda: Live in the Present, Find Your Future", by Dr. Les Parrott (Zondervan, 2004) ISBN: 0310224608

I just happened to run across it in the "New Books" section of my library. Helped me very much to get over a lot of my pain, which I quickly discovered was rooted in the guilt, shame and regret over my situation.

It seems there is a similar book out there, called:
"Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda : Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities" by Arthur Freeman
but I have not read that one yet. I am going to try and find it though, and see if it helps me in a similar manner.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Jen Brown:
I swear a stupid part of being married that I also miss is how socially acceptable it was to be married. It was like having succeeded at one of society's biggest expectations, that you get married and find happiness. There is so much societal pressure to seek out marriage.....<hr /></blockquote>Boy, can I ever understand those words! When I do look back (with sadness, and therefore I try not to look back much anymore thanks to that book!), I can feel how proud I was that I had finally succeeded in life. I had a wife. A child (not mine, but having a stepdaughter was perfectly acceptable to me and I love her completely just as if she were mine). I owned a home. I had everything! And yet, a mere two years later, I feel like I've now lost everything. Guilt. Shame. Regrets. All toxic, all unhealthy, and all unnecessary emotions!

What keeps me going is that I have a new dream now. To move to Arizona. To buy my OWN house, not the house my W loved and I felt ambivalent about. To have my OWN children, not "adopt" someone else's.

Dreams keep you looking forward, by definition. Guilt, regret and shame can be left behind, where they belong.

Good luck Jen. Keep the faith. I've been through painful breakups twice now, and the first time I never thought it would get better. It did, in a big way. Now, I'm right back there again, but... this time I KNOW things will get better someday. Find yourself a dream, and follow it with all your heart. Not always easy, but it will bring you focus, in the proper direction - forwards, not back.

The answer that keeps coming to my mind when I see this question is: I miss my wife.

Whatever I did or didn't get out of my marriage, my marriage was really about her. It was about loving her and being with her and getting to know her. It was about who she was.

And she was the one place I really felt I belonged.

I've thought on this since the thread began and struggled to come up with an answer. In hind site, so much of my marriage I went through with blinders on and didn't see what was really happening.

I finally come to the conclusion that I miss the "idea" of being married and all the passion, kindness, romance, and companionship that is to accompany it. I say "idea" because I never really had it, yet I miss it.

Gnome does that make sense?

Bill, I think it does make sense.

Despite my own answer, I've struggled a bit with somewhat similar ideas. I believe I did have the passion, the kindness, the romance, and the companionship - for a time. But I answered as I did because I loved and valued my wife even when all those things were missing.

After my wife was granted her divorce, I had no intention or expectation of getting married again. I appreciate the freedom of living on my own, and the idea of getting married for the sake of being married holds no appeal for me. I am apparently incapable of separating out the person I love from the state of marriage.

And yet...

Part of the frustration I currently feel, being "in love" with a woman who just wants to be friends, comes from knowing what I lost. This new woman is very different from my ex-wife (albeit in some ways uncannily similar), and I know that being married to her would be very different from my previous experience. But my previous experience gives me a much clearer idea about what it could be like, and - God help me - because of that I want it much more than if I had never been married in the first place.

I don't want my old marriage back; I want something new. I know that what I long for - what I am "missing" - is something other than what I had. But my sense of longing is nonetheless attached to my sense of loss.

Hmm...

I think after all, Bill, that you made more sense in your post than I just made in this one...

[ August 09, 2004, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]

Where to begin???

I dont miss all the addictions and the problems that went with it.

I do miss the intact family, and although his family was so dysfunctional (and they raised my ex). My parents are gone, and as dysfunctional as they were, they were all I had.

I too have a sweetheart, a real great guy. But it is still at that see where it goes stage. I dont feel as if he can just come over and help me with my house/yard etc. I am still at the stage where I have to do it on my own.

So I am strugglin with school and yard and house and work full time. and when I do get to go out, it seems like such a effort to coordinate and juggle everything

I miss my kids having the two parent household. after 26 years they have been turned upside down. They didnt realize how much I held everything together. I cried so bad tis time last year for my daughter not having her father attend the last dance of high school (father/daughter dance) and he wasnt there as proud father taking pix at the houise before the prom and graduation

[ May 05, 2004, 06:17 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]