Hanging on. Where does it come from ? - 05/25/04 02:34 PM
Hi everyone,
Most of you know I have been here since last November. I am currently awaiting the 6 month filing date for my divorce. On the anniversary of our first date if we haven't reached a divorce agreement eithier one of us can file for a hearing to move things along. My stbxw finally admitted to my face that she wanted the divorce, only to, 8 hours later tell me she needed more time to think about the terms of the agreement and wanted to wait until July. I was writing the agreement when she called to inform me of this.
I had finally heard the words and was moving on with the divorce only to be sucked back into the abyss once again. I have never given up hope of getting back together but had accepted I was going to be divorced. I know the way to heal is to let go and move on but there is something in me that screams there is something left between us that leaves me with the gut feeling that there is hope for us. That there is more between us than the children and the 24 years we have spent together. Even after all she has done and not done I feel this way. Even after all I have done and not done I feel this way.
On Sunday we were to talk at my request about our divorce agreement. She had spent the weekend at the Cape after having the kids go to friends housess for almost 2 days.
As we started I asked her if she was sure that this is what she wanted. She replied she had said the words, but at sometime in the future would she look back and regret the decesion. I had a notebook with me and she said she wanted to see what I was proposing. The notebook was empty. By then I was on the verge of tears and told her I couldn't bring myself to do it yet. Since she was having doubts would she see the MC with me to explore her doubts and get a better insight on her decision. She said she would think about it.
Her priest was in my store shopping yesterday and his advice was "keep praying and keep trying, don't give up".
So where does it all come from ? Why do we have such a base level instinct to hang on to someone who doesn't want us ? Why do we endure the emotional turmoil and pain and then want another chance knowing full well we might have to endure the same thing all over again ?
I have never gone against a gut feeling I have had my entire life. My guts and my God say to hang in there and endure what I must. Does this make me a strong committed person or a lunatic.
Here is a poem I wrote this morning. Should I give it to her ?
 Choices
The end of the road is oh so near
And so may end my life with you my dear
Second thoughts, yes you’ve had a few
To make what you have work, or leave and start a new
My mind is solid, my heart is yours
From an eternal well my love still pours
Your path in life is now yours to choose
Upon your decision is wether WE win or loose
The forgiveness we gave each other was truly a gift
But to love again we must forgive ourselves to give our souls a lift
I sit and wait in silence and anticipation
Hoping and praying for your participation
In rediscovering a new love, one that will last
Forgiving and forgetting and leaving the bad in the past
You asked me if again I could endure the pain
The answer is YES, For the risk is worth the gain
And now I must leave you to ponder your fate
As I have mine, and for me it’s never to late
The road will be hard and long at best
But I fear I must travel it before my soul can rest.
David A
Most of you know I have been here since last November. I am currently awaiting the 6 month filing date for my divorce. On the anniversary of our first date if we haven't reached a divorce agreement eithier one of us can file for a hearing to move things along. My stbxw finally admitted to my face that she wanted the divorce, only to, 8 hours later tell me she needed more time to think about the terms of the agreement and wanted to wait until July. I was writing the agreement when she called to inform me of this.
I had finally heard the words and was moving on with the divorce only to be sucked back into the abyss once again. I have never given up hope of getting back together but had accepted I was going to be divorced. I know the way to heal is to let go and move on but there is something in me that screams there is something left between us that leaves me with the gut feeling that there is hope for us. That there is more between us than the children and the 24 years we have spent together. Even after all she has done and not done I feel this way. Even after all I have done and not done I feel this way.
On Sunday we were to talk at my request about our divorce agreement. She had spent the weekend at the Cape after having the kids go to friends housess for almost 2 days.
As we started I asked her if she was sure that this is what she wanted. She replied she had said the words, but at sometime in the future would she look back and regret the decesion. I had a notebook with me and she said she wanted to see what I was proposing. The notebook was empty. By then I was on the verge of tears and told her I couldn't bring myself to do it yet. Since she was having doubts would she see the MC with me to explore her doubts and get a better insight on her decision. She said she would think about it.
Her priest was in my store shopping yesterday and his advice was "keep praying and keep trying, don't give up".
So where does it all come from ? Why do we have such a base level instinct to hang on to someone who doesn't want us ? Why do we endure the emotional turmoil and pain and then want another chance knowing full well we might have to endure the same thing all over again ?
I have never gone against a gut feeling I have had my entire life. My guts and my God say to hang in there and endure what I must. Does this make me a strong committed person or a lunatic.
Here is a poem I wrote this morning. Should I give it to her ?
 Choices
The end of the road is oh so near
And so may end my life with you my dear
Second thoughts, yes you’ve had a few
To make what you have work, or leave and start a new
My mind is solid, my heart is yours
From an eternal well my love still pours
Your path in life is now yours to choose
Upon your decision is wether WE win or loose
The forgiveness we gave each other was truly a gift
But to love again we must forgive ourselves to give our souls a lift
I sit and wait in silence and anticipation
Hoping and praying for your participation
In rediscovering a new love, one that will last
Forgiving and forgetting and leaving the bad in the past
You asked me if again I could endure the pain
The answer is YES, For the risk is worth the gain
And now I must leave you to ponder your fate
As I have mine, and for me it’s never to late
The road will be hard and long at best
But I fear I must travel it before my soul can rest.
David A