Marriage Builders®
Posted By: *seekingjoy* Facilitators - 07/01/04 05:15 AM
Any experience with a facilitator meeting? Prior to the divorce?

Any suggestions, ideas, or thoughts?
Posted By: *seekingjoy* Re: Facilitators - 07/01/04 04:40 PM
Please?
Posted By: Chris -CA123 Re: Facilitators - 07/02/04 05:01 AM
DO you mean a mediator?
Posted By: *seekingjoy* Re: Facilitators - 07/02/04 05:24 AM
Nope ---

Court facilitator. (At least what it was called in the court Document.)

I'm under the impression that this person is supposed to help a divorcing couple come to some sort of agreement prior to the divorce hearing. Or in this particular case the custody hearing.

I need to know what is the process? What to expect? Etc.

I have no clue what to expect.

Jan
Posted By: newly Re: Facilitators - 07/02/04 05:59 AM
It sounds like our "court appointed mediators". Our state provides a "free" one hour session to try to get the parties to come to an agreement on custody without using lawyers. It didn't work in my case, nor did an outside mediator. When someone is using "power over" another, mediation seldom works.

If however, you can communicate with your STBX, you can accomplish alot in this session, and save a bit of money. Mediation is supposed to result in a "win/win" situation, but typically each party gives up something to get something. And rest assured, the mediator will try to make it fair to each party - so if you both walk out feeling likeyou were screwed (but did come to an agreement) - then it was successful.

Our mediator basically told X what he'd get, but he continued to fight. She tried to get him to see how unreasonable he was being, but he wouldn't budge from 50/50. In mediation, I offered him one more day than he ended up getting after he demanded the psychological evaluations. The psychologist got it. He told X how is was going to be, and I got my children less than I wanted, but the agreement was fair. And the psychologist put in things that would benefit each of us if we took advantage of it - like 4 weeks of vacation each. X never took vacation before, and now only takes 1 week / year with the kids. However, I can take up to four weeks, so I could get more time, and I need it to visit my family.

Good Luck in mediation/facilitation.
Be reasonable, not vengeful.
Posted By: AFS Re: Facilitators - 07/01/04 10:17 PM
Oh my, does this mean there might be an end to the limbo you've been in for so long? Good luck!
Posted By: *seekingjoy* Re: Facilitators - 07/01/04 11:03 PM
No guarantees AFS ---

thoughts. I can't post details at this time. I have so many questions and can't really post them. Any suggestions are welcome!!!

Thanks.
Posted By: lonesome heart Re: Facilitators - 07/03/04 10:42 PM
Gosh sj, I'm so sorry to hear you're not divorced from that s o b yet!

My ex would stonewall me on anything. Even when I was nice to him he would stonewall. I finally hired an atty and had him served. Two months of silence followed. I made no proposals whatsoever and waited for him to make the first move. He finally broke the silence and we reached a verbal agreement. As long as things were *his* idea, we made progress.

That's not much of a suggestion, but there's precious little in this world that would bring cooperation from him. Honestly, just pray for a miracle and pray that it's your turn to receive one.
Posted By: Lucks Re: Facilitators - 07/04/04 01:30 PM
Ok, I researched "court facilitator" just to make sure, and by definition it's exactly the same thing as a mediator.

newly's reply is quite accurate as to what you can expect. A facilitator or mediator comes into the meeting experienced in working toward COMPROMISE of the issues.

Many of your issues are uncompromisable, but DO go into the meeting expecting to negotiate if at all possible. I suspect mediation will fail...and that's okay, another step is completed toward the Judge rendering a verdict and an actual divorce!
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