My ex commited and tried to commit adultery over 7 times before I caught a clue. I was still trying to see if we could work things out but I gave up when he kept me up until 3:00 in the morning trying to prove why all those adulteries were really all my fault. Then, he refused to get counseling for his adictions but only wanted to get "marriage counseling" so I could improve, I refused to go until he went for a couple of months first. He went to the counselor once of twice and then actually lied about what the counselor said to him and refused to go again.

You would think that would be the end of it but he got a girlfriend, refused to leave the house and was generally abusive and domineering for over a year before the divorce went through. This caused me to capitulate to huge things in the divorce agreement which really makes things hard now.

Now I feel like I can accomplish one-tenth of what I used to in one day. I am exhausted at night and sometimes very depressed and I do not know why. I should be thrilled that such an abuser is gone but I feel lonely and sometimes quite hopeless. (I also seem to experience PMS which I never had before all this).

A friend who majored in counseling seems to feel I may be suffering from post-tramatic stress syndrome. Is that possible? It makes sense but I want to get over all this. I want my energy, my positive outlook and my ability to make good things happen back!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by createdinGod'simage:
<strong> My ex commited and tried to commit adultery over 7 times before I caught a clue. I was still trying to see if we could work things out but I gave up when he kept me up until 3:00 in the morning trying to prove why all those adulteries were really all my fault. Then, he refused to get counseling for his adictions but only wanted to get "marriage counseling" so I could improve, I refused to go until he went for a couple of months first. He went to the counselor once of twice and then actually lied about what the counselor said to him and refused to go again.

You would think that would be the end of it but he got a girlfriend, refused to leave the house and was generally abusive and domineering for over a year before the divorce went through. This caused me to capitulate to huge things in the divorce agreement which really makes things hard now.

Now I feel like I can accomplish one-tenth of what I used to in one day. I am exhausted at night and sometimes very depressed and I do not know why. I should be thrilled that such an abuser is gone but I feel lonely and sometimes quite hopeless. (I also seem to experience PMS which I never had before all this).

A friend who majored in counseling seems to feel I may be suffering from post-tramatic stress syndrome. Is that possible? It makes sense but I want to get over all this. I want my energy, my positive outlook and my ability to make good things happen back! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Created....YES! I've been through several years of trauma myself. My exWife had an affair 5 yrs ago. I've watched my hair turn salt & pepper before my eyes. I've watched age lines and worry marks appear on my face. I've been quite sick several times in the past 5 yrs when I never used to be.

Divorce is one of the most devastating events any human being ever goes through. Even the "best" divorces hurt!

You've been through a ton. Be aware of this. Time now to be very very good to yourself. Time to get extra sleep. Get extra exercise. Time for sustained amounts of sunlight each day possible. Time for quiet meditation and much prayer. These are the things that will renew your soul, recharge your spiritual batteries.

Created, just simply ask God to restore you to health! He will!!! He promises!!!!!!

I just prayed for you, please would you pray for me too. I'm also struggling after my divorce recently went through.

High Flight

High Flight, you just said something that I hear and read all too often, that divorce is devasting to human beings. Sometimes I wonder. Is it devasting to both parties or just the one who cares? If it is as devasting to your exwife as it is to you, then wouldn't she at some point stop it?

Dear Created:

Yes, I believe in what you are saying completely. PTSD is real and I believe that many of us who wonder 'what the heck is wrong with us' are suffering from it.

I also believe, with HightFlight, that you need to be good to yourself and that God will heal you.

Further, I agree with deadtoitall that it really only affects the one who cares. Shame that we are 'blessed' with the caring soul and 'cursed' with the pain that comes with the territory.

George

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deadtoitall:
<strong> High Flight, you just said something that I hear and read all too often, that divorce is devasting to human beings. Sometimes I wonder. Is it devasting to both parties or just the one who cares? If it is as devasting to your exwife as it is to you, then wouldn't she at some point stop it? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Dead2itall,

Well, I agree with you that the overt emotional devastation seems to rest primarily on the "wounded / caring / faithful" one. But please consider that there are so many others who are affected: children, relatives, friends, co-workers, church members, etc. The Devastation reaches far and wide. In my case some of those suffering the worst are some small children at church where my exW used to teach and love them.

But then there's the whole concept of the far-reaching effects of a sinful lifestyle wherein bad moral choices CAN lead to an ultimate lifestory of ruin, degradation, loss, pain, and a host of issues both psychological and physical that often don't play out until much, much later.

The effects of bad moral choices aren't always immediately apparent. Nor are they necessarily discerned by the one making them.

Even in my exWW case, already within a few months, she's reaping consequences that she doesn't altogether see & certainly didn't expect. Examples: health deterioration, illnesses, borderline anorexic, loss of credibility and reputation in some circles in our town and at her company, financial limitations she used to not have, etc.

There's much more to come to her if she doesn't wise up and start making better choices.

So yes, the devastation reaches all around, not necessarily IMMEDIATELY to the perpetrator, but eventually FAR MORE to the perp than the victim. We should never confuse the immediate emotional pain the faithful rejected spouse feels with the ultimate consequential suffering the perpetrator will undergo. They are distinctly different both in timing and intensity and purpose.

God bless & heal us of the devastation,
High Flight

createdinGod'simage,

First, I just have to tell you, I love your name. As EVERYONE on this forum knows, I am really a name person, and I'm so glad that you chose a name for yourself that states that despite what your exH put you through, you are God's creation and beautiful in His image. What a GREAT statement just in your name!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Next, yep, I think there are a lot of us here who have suffered or suffer from post-traumatic stress, in varying degrees. For example, it is EXTREMELY normal for the betrayed spouse to have "triggers" from anniversary dates, certain songs or smells, etc. that remind them of the hurt and pain of what happened with the affair. Here's a link to a site that specifically talks about Post Traumatic Stress and Infidelity:

Post Traumatic Stress and Infidelity

However, those of us who have not only gone through the trauma of discovering and dealing with an ongoing affair, but also had spouses or ex-spouses who were abusive and/or had multiple affairs suffer from an entirely different and stronger form of post-traumatic stress. I think it crosses over from being a "trigger" now and then, to being a syndrome or a disorder. In my instance, I do think I suffer from PTSD (disorder) because my exH was unfaithful 13 times that I can document; physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive; a sexual addict; and suffered from bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. To say it in a nice way, he did a lot of damage to me.

You wrote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I feel like I can accomplish one-tenth of what I used to in one day. I am exhausted at night and sometimes very depressed and I do not know why. I should be thrilled that such an abuser is gone but I feel lonely and sometimes quite hopeless. (I also seem to experience PMS which I never had before all this).

A friend who majored in counseling seems to feel I may be suffering from post-tramatic stress syndrome. Is that possible? It makes sense but I want to get over all this. I want my energy, my positive outlook and my ability to make good things happen back! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually you are right. This makes a LOT of sense. For a long time I felt quite mentally dissheveled as well, and I am a smart, capable, educated woman! I kept thinking, "What in the heck is WRONG with me??" Well, for one thing, I had lived on an adrenalin high for about 10 years. That means that for 10 years I was on-edge, on-guard, waiting for the next abusive incident, constantly trying to keep my feet under me and not get knocked over, constantly AFRAID! Once my exH was actually gone, like you I thought I'd be all happy and safe to get on with my life, and instead I still felt a little on-edge and on-guard! I couldn't sleep right...I felt skittish inside. Sure enough, I was still running on some adrenalin!

After many months went by (with little or no contact and no abusive incidents), it felt like suddenly I had Chronic Fatigue or something! It was a chore to think, to make my bed, to load the dishwasher...easy stuff! I would walk a block and be TIRED--not huffing and puffing tired, but like tired in my soul. And what I figured out is that my body had stopped running on adrenalin and without the adrenalin that I was constantly on for 10 years, my body felt utterly and completely wiped out in every way.

As I began to recover some of my self-worth and self-esteem, I began to realize and recognize that I had to LEARN what it felt like to live in peace. At first, it felt a little boring, because there was no crisis, nothing changed under my feet, and it was like being on a rock. So I fought the urge to MAKE my own crisis, and lived through the feeling of "boring"...and gradually I began to understand how peaceful and serene living is just that--gentle, slowish feeling, delightful, but with no trauma.

Next, I had to LEARN how a non-adrenalized body felt. Once again, at first I was EXHAUSTED and I gave myself permission to be sluggish and rest and care for myself. That was hard, because I had always been the one who cared for others, not the other way around. Gradually, my strength built up a bit, I started to walk a little further and made sure I ate well. Yep, slowly my body learned how HAPPY energy felt and not fearful energy...but I had to have the courage to just live through it a bit and give myself some time.

Next, I had to LEARN what it felt like when my body was triggering--it felt like a rubber band around my chest and I held my breath. So I taught myself to recognize "Oops! I'm holding my breath! I need to check in with myself and see what's bugging me." I've been triggered by everything from a song to a couch pattern to a lady with certain hair, porn websites, etc.--but I've also noticed that I get freaked out when I feel ignored, when someone has a crush on 25yo willowy dancers (the kind of OW my exH always went for), when a boundary has been crossed, and when I feel unappreciated.

SOOOOoooo, with triggers I tend to do one of two things. If it's a physical trigger (like seeing dark short hair like one of his major OW had), I will take a minute and get VERY, VERY, VERY present in the here and now, and tell myself "It's only a trigger. Breathe. You are HERE now and not back there. Things are different. You are safe and loved now." I'll look at something very intensely like a flower or a tree or bird and I try to engage all my senses right now: notice the colors and the beautiful details, notice any smells right now, notice the sounds of the bird singing or the leaves in the tree...Get the idea?

Now if it's more of a mental trigger (like I'm freaking out because I feel ignored), I try to deep breathe, I ask myself, "Can you concisely define what is bothering you?" Sometimes I can't, so I take time right then to figure it out (let's see, I felt all horrible and full of dark ickiness when my son asked me for a ride when I had already told him I needed the whole day for work. I think a boundary was crossed. I'm feeling ignored.) When I get to where I CAN concisely define what is bugging me, then I decide what I need to do about it. Do I need to speak up? Do I need to use an "I feel..." statement? Do I need to enforce a boundary that I let someone cross? Do I need to take care of myself?? Get the idea?

I hope this helps ya, createdinGod'simage. What you're experiencing actually makes a LOT of sense to me and I think it's completely normal!


CJ

High Flight, oh, I agree that the bad choices effect many, many people. My wife's decision to leave has hurt the entire family. But my point was that one spouse is devasted and the other is not. If both were devasted it seems unlikely that the divorce would go through.

My wife seems to be physically suffering, yet, she is still loving life. I seriously doubt if she will ever come to the point where she admits that her decision was hurtful and selfish.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Sounds a lot like you may have clinical depression. Therapy and medication might both be helpful. You internist can probably deal with the medication or s/he may refer you on to someone else. But, in many cases, the person monitoring the medication is not equipped to be the person providing psychological counseling/therapy.

deadtoitall-

I know devistation. I'm sure we all do. But I do know in my case, it goes both ways. Of course I am taking it harder than STBXH is, but he still feels it, still hurts from it. We both see it as a major failure and neither of us like to fail at anything.

That of course will make our D very interesting as neither of us want to lose, but who wins in D anyway? His g/f? After all, we're both going to be flat broke, unable to live the lifestyle we were accustomed to, everything goes from comfortable to irritable and BAD.

We BOTH hate that D is already in the works, but it doesn't end the D. It doesn't bring us back together. It only sends us both into our corners to lick our wounds.

Created- I don't know what you're suffering from, but I've been diagnosed with severe depression. I am going to IC, taking anti-depression medications and feeling a little more apt to cope with what's going on. This is often the case when you are the S that doesn't want the D.

It's best to go see a doctor and get a pill to help you cope. You won't have to take it forever, just to get you through until you can better understand yourself and your position in life.

That's where IC comes in. They help you understand your flaws, what you have NOT done wrong and help you find the right direction to lead your life in. Mine has done WONDERS to save me.

I used to look in the mirror and see a disheveled woman, old beyond her years, worn down and miserable trying to do whatever she can to get some kind of love from her mate.

Now I look in the mirror and I see me, I see contentment, I see personal growth, personal strength, I see the years added on being taken off again. I feel new.

I'm not saying I don't feel lonely, I don't still yearn for the touch of the one that's hurt me so badly, but in time I will know that it's not what I need to be happy. Next time I will have a healthy relationship because I will know myself.

Keep that in mind in your times of devistation. Keep in mind that the only reason you're depressed is because you want to be. Change gears when you can to do something for yourself. Do something that makes you feel good, makes you feel important and you'll find out you have less time to just be lonely that he's not around.

Good luck!

Big Hugs to you!!!

PTSD-- a subject near and dear to my heart. I am suffering from complex ptsd. The toll of living with chronic stress trauma pretty much all of my life has caught up to me.

The body can be extremely overtaxed and placing great strains on the internal organs. Every person is so different.

I reached a point of my emotional reserves being absolutely depleted and chronic exhaustion of being over worked in every capacity take over. Most people are shocked that my out put has been so low. My kids shocked as they are used to seeing me as the backbone of this family.

I used to cope with life having nerves of steel, iron will, could bounce back from hair raising sad events pretty quickly.

These last several years my fatigue levels and weakness has been awful. I have enough strength these last several weeks to walk blocks over the last few weeks.

The amount of adrenline used, engeries consumed in hostile, negative environment sucks out your essense.

God can heal us from all the trauma, damages caused by prolonged negative stress drains the spirit, mind and body. Have a good check up, blood tests, asap.

If you don't have enough strength may I encourage you to have a good friend or family member help you. Your health is so important.

I received rather unpleasant news the other day about my health- not surprised how damaging it can be to live in unhealthy relationship.

If you go on anti depressants- be careful and watchful of adverse side effects.

My doctor told me it was a good thing as a kid, teen etc. I had a strong mind and was so athelic to help me endure situations where most people would have ended up commiting suicide.

Being under God care and good doctor will do wonders.

Definately check out those links on PTSD, FFCJ suggested to you.

When your life becomes a hostile warzone and your partner whom you thought was your trusted friend becomes your enemy and plays dangerous games of deception to wear and break you down with lies, abuse it is difficult to just bounce back.

Small steps, with grace of GOD asking for his strength to get to the doctors and steps to get the blood work done.

More big hugs....

Dear Faithfulnewc:

Thanks for your real advice. I say "real" because I am so used to Christians giving false comfort that really has become a "trigger" for me. What do you mean God doesn't give us more than we can bear but sometimes it seems like it? What do you mean others have it worse than me (my divorce was so ugly and abusive that no one in the area could compare--I was the discussion in every area church for over a year. I guess this caused much prayer). Oh, and my personal favor "if your
children are sexually abused, God can heal them."

I know that many of them genuinely mean well but like a friend of mine reminded me, its like a club, if you have never really suffered, you just do not get it. I guess in the end, that is true. And I am hoping that someday soon God will reveal to me why I have suffered so much when I only obeyed and took the abuse to preserve our marriage.

I am going to look up the website, hopefully tonight but it is 4:13 am so I may actually go to bed. But thanks and keep posting. Your words make me smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you Skydiver:

Your caution, concern and advice are greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for everyone else as well. I was skeptical when a friend with an unfaithful spouse recommended this website. (When you are goint through a divorce, "marriagebuilders" seems like an oxymoron) but it has been nothing but a healing and encouraging experience. A precious few in the church have had the ability or desire to help or encourage (but thank God for the precious few) but scads of people hear understand and help to feel like I still do fit in somewhere.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You all still have so much to give. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

createdinGod'simage - I feel the exact same way. I keep asking myself, what's wrong with me? I should be happy, I need to get out of this depressed mood.

CJ - What you said makes a LOT of sense. I can see how after 10 years of an adrenaline rush like that, a body can get used to it. I didn't have the physical abuse, but I did have controlling and emotional abuse. My XH and I had a very volatile relationship. I have a peaceful, calm life now and am wondering why can't I be happy! From reading your post, it makes sense to me now. I need to allow myself to get used to this new life.

Thanks, it really helps to hear other people going through the same thing and not feel so alone.

I was going to say "depression" but others said more eloquent statements.
Also, find a local divorce support group to help you through the emotional stresses. And for your children, there is a support group called Rainbows. www.rainbows.org which is phenomenal. Classes start again in the fall.

Good Luck.

Dear Newly:

Hey, I understand relationships that do not really start. My WH never communicated. Everything was my fault and if it was not important to him, then it was not important to anyone--end of discussion. If he declared I was not overwhelmed--I was not overwhelmed. Meanwhile I would spend days on my feet while he played video games for hours on end. I lived like this until I found that his free hours were spent on more than meaningless recreation. He was seducing volnerable women and one teenager (yuck!)

I did not mean to infer that I was truly physically abused (although he danced on the edge of it) but the constant lack of concern for me has left me with many "trigger" points.

Oh, you are very wise about your advice. Approach life from love--not fear. I believe that one has lost when fear takes over. Thanks for the reminder.

Hello all,

I'm new here. Not new to the pain of divorce.

FaithfulNewCJ....thank you for the PTS link.

My ex left me on my birthday 8/7/2001 and filed for divorce. He called it off, and I spent weekends with him. We were reconciling. He moved back home with me in our house for alittle over of a month, (during holidays) then left me again....sneaked and moved out behind my back. The last time.

He divorced me 4/9/2002.
(his brother died of cancer months before he left me, and my step-son; his son; age 15 years old, killed himself, then my ex divorced me 2 weeks after that tragedy.)

My ex called me almost every day for over a year...as if sooner or later we'd get remarried. We talked for hours, but he refused to see me. It made no sense at all.

I haven't talked to him in over a year now. He stopped calling when he got into a new relationship. He has OW living with him the past year mentioned.

I have now gone 3 years without him
( 2 years divorced )


I'm ashamed to say that I haven't moved on. I just can't seem to do it.

A lot of what you said in your post FaithfulNewCJ, about your feelings and symptoms, I recognized. Mine are worse.

After 3 years, I can not go an hour without the pain and heartache of missing him, missing our marriage, missing our home, missing our life we once had. Not an hour, let alone a day, or night. At night I pray and cry.

I "daydream" and "fantisize" as though we were still married, that he's coming home from work, that I'm living in our house (and not a dump rent house)...I live in a fantasy world of denial. My mind knows, but my heart can't take the reality.

This is a long time to grieve, it's like an obssession I can't control. I really can't.

I hate this life, and I hate still being in love with him and he not loving me. I believe he went thru mid-life crisis and divorced me in the middle of it...especailly after loosing his son and all...

But, what happens when he pulls through it?

Will he want to see me, or not even try because of the time gone by, the mess he created, the pain he caused me?

Will I ever get the opportunity to get my husband back again? Or just the opportunity to see and talk to him like adults...would he ever want to test the waters with me when he pulls through this change?

I guess I have too many questions, too much false hopes and too little will power to let go.

Dear Stillsuffering,

Welcome to MB ! What a very sad story. It sounds as though there has been so much suffering on both yours and your H's part.
Is it possible that when he finally "cut the cord", it was on the heel of those other great tradgedies, and that he was just not capable of dealing with one more thing ? It sounds as though you are locked into your grief. Have you considered conselling? After 3 years, things should be getting a little easier. That is not meant to sound like a judgement, just that the description of your day to day experience, the longing, the fantasies and the inability to let go doesn't seem to be moving out of your life. If your pain is to stop, you will eventually have to sever the emotional bond that holds you prisoner. Each time you think, wonder, wish, long for, etc. this man that you loved, you are actually, binding him to you more tightly..... and so the pain will never leave. That being said, you may believe that you have no control over these thoughts and feelings, and to some degree that is correct, BUT there are a few things that you CAN do to help yourself out of this very dark place.
We are seldom able/willing to let things we love/need out of our life, unless we have "something" to replace them with. That does not mean, rush into a new relationship ASAP, because that would bring its own problems, but it does mean pusing yourself (and I know how hard this is to do) into other situations, help,activities that can help to fill that awful "void". You may say that nothing could ever fill that void, that may or may not be true.
Sometimes, we just have to just close the file and open a totally new one, sometimes we have it replaced in another posistive, but similar way.
You never really know how it's going to play out, but what is certain, is that unless to make that effort, nothing is likely to change for you.
THIS ISN'T EASY TO DO, but it's the only way out of the pain.
When you pray, maybe ask for direction for whatever is best for you. Not asking for anything specific, just help to take the next necessary step. When we pray for a "specific thing", God won't always, in our best interests, provide it, but if we ask for the strength and wisdom to do what is needed for ourselves/His plan, then the answers come much more swiftly.
Love yourself enough, to set you free and TRUST that what is ahead of you will be so much better than what you left behind.
I'm thinking you have probably heard that saying -
"God never closes a door, that he doesn't open a window". Blessings !

warmashes,

Thank you ever so much for your post. You took such time and effort for your detail of compassion.

I want to get into counceling, but don't have any transportation to go. (My adult son lives w/me and uses my car...he doesn't get home until quite late)

But, where there's a will, there could be a way.

Dear Stillsuffering,
I am glad to have been able to hold your hand for a little while and will again, any time. Something caught my attention in re-reading your thread..... It's the quote "Surviving is my revenge". I have heard this before, but what I heard what slightly different.... "LIVING WELL is the best revenge". Are you LIVING WELL ?
In fact, I have to wonder myself about the revenge part of it all (although I love the saying myself ) Should we be thinking about, maybe letting go all together and letting God look after the rest ? (You may have heard "Let go, let God" ?)
Do pursue counselling, if you are indeed "stuck" in your grief, it's NOT your fault, you need some professional help. You NEED YOUR CAR to look after some of these sorts of things in your life.
Don't be willing to give away the tools you need for your own recovery.It should be your son, who is looking for alternate arrangements on days you NEED the car. Remember, he's younger, you are is mother, and you have a NEED for YOUR car !
Those of us who have given, and given and given, need to hold on to our bootstraps and go for a ride, a real ride, right out of our self sacrificing madness. Stop and have a really good look at the situation. You'll know what to do !

Hello created,

I too wanted to mention that I believe that I have had some symptoms related to PTSD as well.I have bad dreams,I am irritated easily and I'm jumpy,I feel like a scatterbrain when I was once a highly organized and productive person,I haven't slept well at all since this all happened but I do sleep better thanks to AD's.I was depressed and also emotionally spent.I feel fatigued all the time and just plain UNWELL.

I know it's all related to what I am going through.It touches on every aspect of your life in such extreme ways.Everything is changed.My WH's selfish decisions to commit adultery have hurt so many and both our families were greatly affected too.My WH lost a lot of weight and is practically all gray at the age of 37.He looked like he aged overnight.All in the name of "love" right? GAG.

I just hope and pray that once I get D'd,I can start to regroup and get off the pills and get into better condition than I am now.

O

Dear Octobergirl:

Thanks for the message. You do begin to heal as soon as your D goes through but it is taking a lot longer than I thought. Sometimes people find the big day depressing and sometimes they find it a relief but what comes after is pretty much the same. We all deal with the outside world and the many changed relationships, the pity, the avoidance and the judgments. As if we have any control over our WH's behavior?

I feel exactly like you. So much energy has been placed in surviving that my memory is shot, my concentration is shot, my nerves are shot, etc.

Have you ever read "Safe People" by Dr. Henry Cloud? A friend just sent it to me. Everyone going through a D should read it and find a few supportive safe people to pray and help them through. I realize how I got into such a mess in the first place. I just went around loving and serving everyone as if they were going to do the same for me. Of course my husband wanted to marry me--he could do whatever he wanted and I would lie down and believe whatever he said and do whatever he wanted. The abuse came when he wanted me to do two opposite things at the same time and scream at me for not being able to do it. He would set up situations where I could not win and be furious at me for not succeeding. Such as not waking the baby up and not leaving her in the car at the same time. Last I checked, I only had one body. I literally tried. I would run back and forth to the car and try to do what I could in the house. It was nuts. The whole time my heart pounding because I was afraid he would catch me not doing both of what he demanded. It was nuts.

Well, keep me posted on everybody's progress. This site is filled with honest and "real" people (not pious perfectionists) and I love being here with all of you.

I'm not sure if I have ptsd or just garden variety depression, but I'll chime in on your thread anyway. I feel CERTAIN that my ex has ptsd. He did combat and was the sole survivor of a helicopter crash. He never got treatment for ptsd. Eventually, I learned that there was more than ptsd causing problems.

Along the way, however, I went to a vet center to scope out what options he might have through them. I visited with a counselor, and one thing really stuck with me. She said the wives of the vets with untreated ptsd can get ptsd themselves just by living with the untreated ptsd of someone else! This was nearly 3 years ago that I learned this, and boy howdy I paid attention.

In hindsight, I see the two years of separation as swimming the english channel. By the time the divorce went through, I had made it to shore, but I was completely drained. I thought things would be so much better right away, once I caught my breathe. Then my focus shifted to 'how did I get here'. Since then, I've uncovered an ocean of original family issues, and I feel like I have to swim that too.

My productivity is in the toilet. I feel exhausted all the time. My counselor says I'm making good progress. I suppose I am. I can't seem to make peace with where I am and where I've been. It could be grief, it could be depression, it could be ptsd.

CJ has some great suggestions. She echoes some things I've been reading about how our anger and other emotions manifest themselves in a physical way. I think as long as we keep trying and never give up, the efforts will result in emotional health and happiness someday.

Dear lonsome heart:

I agree. Keep trying. I read a verse today that helped me not feel overly "needy."

Hebrews 3:13

But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness

I love the "daily" part. Your counselor is probably right, you are making great progress. And you most certainly have ptss. I wasn't sure about it either when I first posted but now I know I have it and recognizing it has helped (although everything seems like its a long hard battle of healing). I do not have nearly as many triggers because I actually understand what is happening and can shift behavior to avoid or lesson my unreasonable reactions.

I am still very tired, like you, and feel very emotionally needy. I read and my prayers are much more honest than they were before. I think I felt guilty that I was so tired and needy. That is why I love the "daily" part.

It is awesome to see someone quoting the word. Daily renewal of the mind is so important in healing .