HUmp DaY HumOR - Marriage Builders® Forums

How to start each day with a positive outlook:

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "John Kerry."

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "do you really want to get rid of John Kerry?"

6. Answer calmly, "yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

7. Feel better....?

LH,

That joke sucked so bad the sides of my monitor caved in for two minutes. Thanks for the humor. :-)

Apartment For Rent

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment, "Rent For Apartment."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and encloses the following typed note:

"Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) It had never been occupied;
2) There was plenty of heat;
3) It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed regular, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady."

*sniffle*

"Mommy, please make the bad man stop!"

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.

Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"

"When I didn’t answer the 1st time, they called again!"

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One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones. The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses. So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies. The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown?
A. Artificial intelligence.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A. You hear about them all the time, but you never see one.

[ August 18, 2004, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]

After a couple had a huge argument, they ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, the husband asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," his wife said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" she challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator...............

5. If you have already had your birthday this year
add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 ....

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate
each week).

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! ~ ( Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CJ

Oops!!

Double post.

I was thinking of chocolate so much, I got distracted!

MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Chocolate......

[ August 18, 2004, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]

Wait, I've double and triple checked my work, but I'm back to being 34! Not complaining here, but...

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by greengables:
 I'm back to being 34!<hr /></blockquote>Honey, you don't look a day over 28 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

[ August 18, 2004, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]

GG, I can vouch for LH's comment. He's right.
And damn, mine came out right.

GG,

It doesn't work right if you want chocolate 500 times a week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

[ August 18, 2004, 06:27 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]

Ok, so I'm late to this party, but I did see a good one the other day:

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while [censored] Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked [censored] "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," [censored] replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing................how's the bait holding up?"

[ August 19, 2004, 12:35 AM: Message edited by: StillHers ]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are out camping. After an evening walk they lay down on their matrasses and look at the clear night sky.
"My dear Watson, what does this clear night sky tell you?" Holmes inquires.
"Eheum... from a metereological point of view.. looks like it will be cold but dry night I guess," Watson answers, "and from an astronomical point of view... Ursus Major should be in sight somewhere.. and from a philosophical point of view.. it's just amazing how immense the cosmos is..."
At which point Holmes can't take it anymore and shouts:
"Watson! You idiot! It means someone stole our tent!!"