How to meet a man's need for ADMIRATION and APPRECIATION

I first posted this over on the EN board, but it's generally very slow over there, so since I'm divorced, I thought I'd post here too.

One of the things my now exH SCREAMED at me about why he preferred to spend time with his then EA, now girlfriend was, "She makes me feel appreciated!" (Unlike me, apparently I no longer made him feel appreciated like I once did when our relationship was new.) I found emails from her that specifically said things like, "I miss your amazing wit and charm." She was good at it I guess.

Now post-divorce, as I enter the dating scene and try to start from scratch, I would like to try harder to meet a man's needs for admiration and appreciation.

However, I feel as though I sound phoney when I try to compliment men, even when I mean it!

GUYS: What are some things that your wife says to you (or women in general can say to you) that make you genuinely believe that you are appreciated? Any and all examples would be appreciated.

In particular I am not good at telling a man that I think he is attractive. I think it sounds dumb to say "You are so handsome!" (That sounds like something my mother would say about Sean Connery, and I am not dating men of that age!) I don't want to jump to the lame, "You're so hot!" either. Any ideas for how to compliment a man on his appearance?

I know I am not trying to rebuild a marriage here, but I am trying to start a new relationship off on the right foot if I can. It's kind of the beginning of the long road towards marriage!

So men, let me know what you like to hear ladies say about and to you, that makes your heart swell with a real sense of confidence in yourself and in her love for you.

Jen

Jen,
All I ever wanted to hear is the truth, and the the events that have come to light in my life over the last 9 months have only made that feeling stronger. If its something you really feel, say it. If its not, don't bother, because it ain't the truth. BS (not betrayed spouse) is not needed. Thats just me, last time I checked I was not authorized to speak for all men.

Hi Jen,
Well it's pretty egotistical to admit it but I have an old friend that I started seeing again as a friend who also just divorced. She is the only person other than my wife and mother who ever commented on my looks. She said " David you really are a handsome man and you shouldn't have any trouble attracting a woman." That really shocked me to hear that from her, especially since I was the one who had been taken aback by her looks years ago.

I must admit it felt good to hear her speak what was on her mind and how she felt.

Even when the X and I were in the middle of our problems back in June I did a public flag retirement ceremony with the Boy Scout Troop. She commented on how proud she was of me and what a good job I had done to get across the importance of the meaning of the ceremony.

So you see it doesn't take much. We all like and need to feel appreciated, loved, and wanted. Even for the simple things, even for the things that are expected of you.

Have you seen the commercial on TV where everything is made better with a Thank You ! It's so true and it feels so good sometimes.

Inflection also plays and important roll in delivering a compiment or an appreciation for something. Practice if you need to. It is important and goes a long way in fulfilling emotional needs for many people.

All the world is a stage and we are but actors upon it !

David A

HMMMMMM

Lets see <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's hard to say what I like to hear because I don't know that I've heard it yet but I know a few that don't work well.

Admiration:
"You friggin morron"
"What? are you stupid?"
"Grow up already"
"DUH"

Appreciation:
"Why the he!! did you do that"
"Thanks for nothin"
"What the he!! were you thinking"
"Yeah I need that like a hole in the head"
"What the F***"
and of course
"DUH"

Attractiveness. Well the only one I recall along those lines is

"You look like a f***ing idiot"

Realy though, It is best if you be your honest self. After all, you want the guy to be interested in the real you don't you!

If your not good at telling a guy he's attractive, then my guess is that you would be best off with one that doesn't need to hear it.

How you express yourself is you. You don't want to be phoney so don't push it. Let what you have to say come naturaly and then you and he will know that it is real.

And most guys don't like to be associated with the word "Cute". Thats what your aunt says as she's pinching your cheek <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hope this helps <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WIWH

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Jen Brown:

GUYS: What are some things that your wife says to you (or women in general can say to you) that make you genuinely believe that you are appreciated? Any and all examples would be appreciated.

...I don't want to jump to the lame, "You're so hot!" either.
<hr /></blockquote>Actually, I wouldn't be so sure about "you're so hot" being lame!

I've recently got myself a new girlfriend, and she does a pretty good job of fooling me into thinking I'm "hot."

She'll do things like answer the phone "hello, sexy man!" when she knows its me calling.

When she tells me "you're so hot," I don't necessarily buy into it 100 percent, but it is still nice to hear.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by cjack:
Actually, I wouldn't be so sure about "you're so hot" being lame!

I've recently got myself a new girlfriend, and she does a pretty good job of fooling me into thinking I'm "hot."

She'll do things like answer the phone "hello, sexy man!" when she knows its me calling.

When she tells me "you're so hot," I don't necessarily buy into it 100 percent, but it is still nice to hear. <hr /></blockquote>Oh, you made me giggle. My manfriend usually says "Hey, baby!" when I answer the phone. Well a couple weeks ago he called his buddy's number by mistake, his girlfriend answered and Westley said "Hey, baby!" and she cracked up laughing and said "I'm telling!"

Maybe better than saying to someone, "You're pretty" or "You're handsome" you could bring up something specific. For instance I will tell Westley, "I love looking into your eyes" or, "I love the curve of your lips."

Which reminds me, I haven't said those things in a while ... *sigh* ... sometimes it really feels like I am dating someone in another state. Will have to remember next time I see him, in a week or so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hey (((Jen))),

Good topicâ€¦â€¦â€¦ And it got me thinking a bit. I view admiration and appreciation as the spices on a relationship that will get your mouth watering in anticipation of the meal. Though the male may be more prideful by nature, I believe that a healthy dose from each side will definitely bring the relationship to new heights. But along with that comes a little uncomfortable exposure.

That being said, Iâ€™d simply advise not doing anything that makes you feel phony but also donâ€™t be afraid to say whatâ€™s on your mind. I tend to lean towards â€œxpButtercupâ€ in what I say and what I long to hear from another. For me itâ€™s the small little specific things:

â€œâ€â€I long for the feeling of your soft lips.â€â€â€

â€œâ€â€I love the feeling of your hair in my finger tips.â€â€â€

â€œâ€â€You know, I can get lost looking into your beautiful eyes.â€â€â€

â€œâ€â€I love the feeling of your hand on the small of my back.â€â€â€

â€œâ€â€My heart flutters each time you caress my neck.â€â€â€

â€œâ€â€Blah, blah, blah, blahâ€¦â€¦..â€â€â€

If you have feelings like these, then I can think of no man or woman who would not feel admired or appreciated if they heard them. You know itâ€™s the whole romance part of a relationship. The card sent for no reason, the planning of a special date, and the deep stare you give while softly relaying a message of love that makes me feel all-warm inside.

Some of us have a hard time giving and receiving this because of the circumstances surrounding our past relationships but I have to say if you get into a relationship and you donâ€™t feel or express these things, Iâ€™d question whether or not it was the right relationship or if youâ€™re ready for that relationship.

I think that when you are truly able to expose the nakedness of your heart, it is then when you have the opportunity to have it warmed by the fabric of true love.

[ November 01, 2004, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]

For Wish:
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> you really are a handsome man and you shouldn't have any trouble attracting a woman. <hr /></blockquote>

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> For Wish:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you really are a handsome man and you shouldn't have any trouble attracting a woman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<hr /></blockquote>OK That one works <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lost Husband,
I'm sure I'm not the one you want to hear it from but I really feel it so this is just for you:
Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah........

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by deafjeff:
I'm sure I'm not the one you want to hear it from but I really feel it so this is just for you: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah........ <hr /></blockquote>Oh Jeff, I bet you say that to all the boyz.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Dear Jen Brown,

Perhaps challenging situations can be envisioned, and you can role play in advance how you might handle the situations.

It is easy if you are in agreement with New Guy on everything, however, eventually differences of opinion will arise. The challenge is how to handle the differences of opinion.

Some differences can be glossed over, and do not matter.

Some differences need to be better understood, earlier than later, before BF starts making decisions thinking he has your agreement.

The atmosphere to be able to disgree is an important element. This means avoiding Love Busters.

One technique is to try to find a positive part of a topic that comes up, and try to relate to your perspective on the issue, in a positive manner, and find positive aspects of his issues.

My current wife feels that she knows right from wrong, and freely tells me what she thinks is wrong. Approaching principles as shades of Gray, rather than Black and White, could leave room for the positive to be developed, for at leastr exceptional circumstances.

Avoiding Polemic statements is a good rule in a relationship, avoiding words like "Never", or "Always" creates some room for saving egos.

Finding stages of progress to celebrate could lead to increased oportunities for WTG's Way to Go, or Atta Boys. "Well we have the dishes 1/3 done, that deserves a celebration Hug and Kiss."

I think you are on a good path, as men have sensitive egos, and to the extent you are practicing being more sensitve to a man's feeling of self-worth and inspiration, you will be a more desirable lover.

Blessings

[ November 02, 2004, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]

Hey, Jen!

I am a CHICK, and one of my top four needs is Admiration, so maybe I can bridge the gap between Mars/Man-speak and Venus/Chick-speak. heehee.

To me, Admiration is not so much compliments as it is noticing the little things that I do that go the extra mile...and saying something about it. Also, to me Admiration is not Appreciation. Appreciation would be saying "thanks" but Admiration would be "Wow, you did such a good job"

Sooooooooooooooo....

Here are some examples of what I did today that I could have been Admired for and ways that would have sounded like Admiration to me...and Admiration Chick:

1) I woke up at 6:30am to wake my DD even though I could have slept in until 9:30am if I were only thinking of myself. "Mom, thanks for getting up every morning to personally wake me up. I know you coulda slept in, but you chose to wake up with me."

2) I did laundry, dishes, took the dog for a walk, and drove two kids to school...all before going to work! "I noticed that you really put the pedal to the medal and got a bunch of errands done this morning. You are sure something!"

3) I worked the whole store alone all by myself all day and all night long (I work a mid-day shift noon-8pm). I not only did all the work of two people, I also did some managerial tasks too! "You are doing such a good job! I love the way you step right in and just take the reins. And you're so easy-going, nothing seems to ruffle you! That is what makes it so wonderful to work with you!"

4) I helped several people at work find just the right book, or find the answer they were looking for, or just listened to them. People were better because I was there. "You are so very helpful. We are all so lucky and such better people just because you are so willing to be helpful and give of yourself."

5) I write here on MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (You figure that one out yourself) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Does this help at all Jen? I don't think meeting the EN for Admiration has much to do with compliments. It's more like noticing the little things and stating out loud that you admire the person for the "extra effort."

I could work all day long is a salt mine if someone Admired me for it.

CJ

Hey Jen, Forgive me if I say something any other posters have already added, but I have to admit I didn't read you entire thread.

Your question hit a chord with me. Almost my entire marriage my STBXW ran me into the ground or gave me sarcastic compliments. Always telling me how great her friends or our neighbors husbands were.

After awhile, I lived up to her expectations, didn't see any reason to do a damn thing, nothing was good enough, never as good as the neighbor.

In addition, if an girl looked at me, she would just sneer and say "why would she want you" constantly eroded every decent thing. Never seemed to let me have the barest opportunity at any self-esteem.

Mind you she was a SAHM, and I worked three jobs, and made a good living too. But hardly ever got a home cooked meal from her. She always wanted me to take her and the kids out to dinner, or get take out.

So to answer your question, you can show appreciation by acknowledging that maybe you think your new BF is desirable by other people.

Maybe you could cook for him, do those other little things to make him feel appreciated. Those are true words, a way to a man's heart is through his stomach... not because we love to eat, but because we feel appreciated being served a dinner. I know I did. But not very often.

I am guessing, and please don't take this wrong, but the fastest way to make a guy feel unappreciated and unadmired is to nag him endlessly.

Sorry, just venting. I know you were looking for more contructive advice.

Oh yeah, how about a foot massage on Fridays.

I agree that cooking and doing little things for a man shows appreciation. I know I nagged at my husband too much, he did the same to me. He says I didn't show enough appreciation for what he did. Likely it was true, then he started getting negative with me all the time, nitpicking even more. Perhaps in marriages its all too easy to get in a pattern of seeing the negative and not having the grateful hearts that we should have. Hindsight is 2-20 of course. But we are a society that is so busy, so on the go, so rushed and stressed out - perhaps it was easier in many ways for my mother's generation. I grew up in a little town, all moms stayed at home, they greeted their husbands happily asking how their days were, had home cooked dinners on the table for them and did the dishes as their husbands unwinded from their days as the breadwinner. Now we have to do everything and try to have everything, we get tired, we get burnt out, we have little time for the little things in life. I was in my home state this weekend, saw an old couple from the town I grew up in, they were holding hands in church of course. She used to get all dressed up and greet him at the door every night, she used to sit next to him in the truck on drives and would always tell him in front of kids, neighbors how much she appreciated him. Back then it all seemed so simple, in our little valley. But we were more tied to the land, women stayed at home, life was more simple. I don't think men and women today even know what their roles are supposed to be. We want to be equals but we have lost the respect for one another as we are too busy arguing about power and control, and who does what, and we both feel unappreciated. Perhaps in coming generations they will iron much of this out...

Hey there!

hm...

change the focus. What is it you would like 2 hear said about you? What good 2ualities do you have that make you just plain LOVE yourself?

Be REAL, and everything else... EVERYTHING ELSE, will unfold.

-ol' 2long

Hi, I went to barnes and noble and saw this book and read some of the words inside the pages that makes me feel good, If someone tells me some of this stuff about me I would be glad to myself.

here is the link below:

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bo...2ep6NALo&pwb=1&ean=9781570714818

1001 Ways to Be Romantic

Over 1.5 Million Copies Sold!

[ November 08, 2004, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: Don't Lie, They'll find out anyway. ]

This is a good post Jen, and there are a lot of good suggestions, maybe read his needs her needs
again. Maybe once you meet the right person you will know how to make him feel special
Sandy

Yes I think it is important to show appreciation and admiration for your spouse just the same as we want it, but they sound like they are in their "beginning stage" when everything is great and "she makes me feel good about myself" blah blah blah BS (and that doesn't stand for betrayed spouse either) but when a dose of reality sets in and they get comfortable, he'll be looking for someone else to make him feel "appreciated" But then some people need smoke blown up their butt to feel good. Wow, I am feeling very "bitey" today :-)

Dear Jen,

One way that makes it easier for those of us who struggle with sincere compliments of admiration & respect for another is simply this:

JUST TELL THEM THE GOOD FEELINGS YOU HAVE INSIDE AS YOU LIVE AROUND THEM!!!

Examples?

* That was so kind of you! You made me feel better when you said that.

* Oh thank you for carrying that for me! I feel special just to know you like to help me out.

* You didn't have to do that!! THANK YOU!!! You are thoughtful & I love you for it.

* Honey, I appreciate how you mowed the lawn today...it will look great now for the weekend & that makes me feel content inside.

* There's no body that can clean a car like YOU can!!! Wow!!!!

* You know, when you chose to drive carefully through that traffic mess on the interstate today, I felt safe just being with you! Thank you!!!

* Attraction? You sure clean up well!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Just kiddin...

* How about these? Hey good lookin! (when you greet them) Hey Mr. California/Texas/whereever you live! (gentle & understood teasing but says SOMETHING about them being special) I like that shirt on you! Brown is your color - you look nice!

Hope this helps. Reflect what you think / feel / like. It's really NOT that difficult when done this way.

Blessings on our appreciations of each other!
High Flight

I always like telling my H how handsome I think he is. I don't lay it on super thick, but I figure he can't tell me enough how much he admires or appreciates me, so I am frequent in my compliment giving.
Of course, we're getting divorced, but I'm proud that I did this.
I liked raised my eyebrows up and down in a sultry sort of way when he'd walk into the room I'm in-- if it was my first time seeing him that day, or that evening.
I also really liked chasing up to him with my hands out like I'm about to squeeze his buns when he'd get out of the shower and be in his bathrobe--I'd tell him I like the way the robe clings to his wet buns!
LOL
If he just shaved, I'd run the backs of my fingers along his jaw and say "good Job."or "Missed a few (if he did), but I love ya anyway."
"love ya anyway, tho..." was a quote I'd say over and over. Whenever I said anything that could possibly be taken offense to regarding his appearance or a mistake he made. He once made my latte wtih whole milk, which he knows I don't like. I said "Ah! This is whole milk!" and then realized I just sort of rudely blurted that out and added "I love you anyway, tho!"
I'd often tell him he mowed the lawn as if he was a golf course manintence man (a former job of his)-- all lines perfectly straight. REally, he gives teh yard excellent yard care, and I always wanted him to know I was amazed. he took yard care to the next level.
When he'd have a good time with my son--if I overheard them talking and getting along like they like each other, I'd always let him catch me eavesdropping with an approving look on my face. Sometimes I'd smile and ask him later "what were you two carrying on about?" or Sounds like the boy really had a lot to say. You two are getting along pretty well these days, aren't you? It's nice to see you growing closer. Does a mother's heart wonders to hear you talking like that with each other." etc...a long those lines.
For Christmas last year, I gothim a pair of leather pants, I said "they're more for me than they are for you" (He knows I like his buns!)
When he'd load the dishwasher or do a domestic chore that wasnt yard work (we had this unspoken that he does yard and I do house agreement) I'd say "Oh, You didn't have to do that! But thank you!" He takes care of all the plants, which are usually extremely healthy and thriving. I comment on it and say "Hey plant guy! The plants are blooming and looking great!"
One thing we have/had going for us was a fair amount of thank you's and your welcomes.
The other day he was being goofy with his name tag which is on a recoiling string so it can be swiped-- he had stuck it to his suit just anywhere while it was folded, and once he was dressed for work, he was looking for it. It happened to be between his legs. I pointed it out to him and he grabbed the name badge and pulled it up "HI I'm John! How can I help?" and let it go. It snapped back to between his legs...anyway I laughed a full hearted laugh! It wouod be really funny to see someone do that at work. I said "You're so funny" and my appreciation really showed through. but, then I felt weird becsue we're getting divorced... and I keep falling into love with him again over stuff like that. So I added "I mean, I think you're funny..."
I just hope the next lady appreciates him as much as I do, and can be nicer to him when he's doing things she doesn't appreciate.
That's the ticket as far as I'm concerned. It's not showing appreciation-- that part's easy for us. It's appreciating each other when we don't like what the other person is doing-- or at least not leading them to beleive they aren't appreciated.
ANy thoughts on that? I'd be curious to know.
Lucy

Gosh...reading this post made me miss hearing all of those special little things....
"I love looking into your eyes"
" I love kissing your lips".........UUGGHHH...will I ever hear those words??????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />