Getting over my H and rejection fog - 11/07/04 05:31 PM
Most of us in MB have experienced the phenomenon of affair fog, the inability of the WS to see things, especially the OP, for what they really are, due to the emotional romanticism and drama of the A, especially when they are faced with leaving the OP behind.
I realize that I am going through rejection fog - a similiar state. I am miserably missing my H, longing for his return, feeling like everything will be OK if he would just come home, everything would be right again.
But the realilty is that things weren't so right before he left, he treated me pretty badly in many ways, culminating with his total lack of regard and respect for me as he blantantly carried out the second stage of his A, and eventually left me for her. A one year A 5 years ago carried out with little effort to even hide it or protect my feelings. 4 years of an undercurrent of resentment and romanticized memory of the OW he had to give up. No qualms about hooking up with her again after those 4 years, if she was willing, and carrying out the last 4 months as if "well, you know how I feel about her, you should understand my behavior and why I am putting my desire to be with her over your hurt feelings". No concience about her leaving her H, his leaving his kids, hurting the loyal wife terribly, disapointed his extending family, friends and disturbing his co-workers and neighboors. This is the reality of what this man is.
So why am I so hurt, so longing for his return, thinking that everything would be OK if only he would change his mind? Its the rejection fog. I can't see the man clearly through the pain of the ultimate rejection, the inability to let go of the dream, the happy picture of our intact family and the good times, even with the undercurrent of unhappiness, that we shared as a couple and a family. Letting go of that idealized image of my marriage, and the hope that eventually, all the flaws would disappaer and he would finally love me the way I deserved to be love. Well guess what, after 14 years of trying to please him in hopes of that vision, he has dumped me quite thoroughly for OW. My brain is fogged with the pain of rejection, and longing for something that was more of a dream vision I focused on , rather than reality. Leaving me for OW should have burst that bubble for sure, and I just need to get through that fog
to help me see him for what he really is, and be free of the pain of missing him.
I realize that I am going through rejection fog - a similiar state. I am miserably missing my H, longing for his return, feeling like everything will be OK if he would just come home, everything would be right again.
But the realilty is that things weren't so right before he left, he treated me pretty badly in many ways, culminating with his total lack of regard and respect for me as he blantantly carried out the second stage of his A, and eventually left me for her. A one year A 5 years ago carried out with little effort to even hide it or protect my feelings. 4 years of an undercurrent of resentment and romanticized memory of the OW he had to give up. No qualms about hooking up with her again after those 4 years, if she was willing, and carrying out the last 4 months as if "well, you know how I feel about her, you should understand my behavior and why I am putting my desire to be with her over your hurt feelings". No concience about her leaving her H, his leaving his kids, hurting the loyal wife terribly, disapointed his extending family, friends and disturbing his co-workers and neighboors. This is the reality of what this man is.
So why am I so hurt, so longing for his return, thinking that everything would be OK if only he would change his mind? Its the rejection fog. I can't see the man clearly through the pain of the ultimate rejection, the inability to let go of the dream, the happy picture of our intact family and the good times, even with the undercurrent of unhappiness, that we shared as a couple and a family. Letting go of that idealized image of my marriage, and the hope that eventually, all the flaws would disappaer and he would finally love me the way I deserved to be love. Well guess what, after 14 years of trying to please him in hopes of that vision, he has dumped me quite thoroughly for OW. My brain is fogged with the pain of rejection, and longing for something that was more of a dream vision I focused on , rather than reality. Leaving me for OW should have burst that bubble for sure, and I just need to get through that fog
to help me see him for what he really is, and be free of the pain of missing him.