Cali~ To answer your questions on Blue's "HELP..." thread - 03/14/06 05:25 PM
Cali~ Since my answers/comments are based on my situation, I didn't want to TJ Blue's thread.
First of all Cali, you know as well as I do from being on these boards that most OM/MM's exclude themselves, nobody has to do it for them. In all likelihood, this OM is no different, and is only too happy to walk away. If the OM really wants C, he will go for it. I am only suggesting to Blue that if he loves this child as his own, and is willing to take on all fatherly responsibilities that he shouldn't go out of his way to disprove his legally assumed paternity.
I don't know how the child will see it when/if he/she finds out. It may very well all blow up in Blue and his W's face, just as it may happen for my H and me. Their OC may deal with much emotional turmoil at the point of discovery, just as ours may.
But, imo there is no perfect decision and no perfect outcomes in these kind of situations. We as parents have to make the best choices we can for our children. Blue seems to be coming from the same thought process as my H/me, in that we believe the good that will come out of raising our child in a secure, peaceful, 2 parent, intact family without shuffling him back and forth from 2 households, (and all that goes along with that), will far outweigh the damage that may be caused when/if our child finds out he has a bio father out there.
We may be completely ALL WET in this decision, but it's the chance we're willing to take, because again, there is NO perfect choice in this, and we can only work with what we have, but we believe this is the best choice for OC, our COM, my H, and our M. We feel our child may be hurt in either scenario, so we chose the scenario where we truly believe there will be the least amount of hurt for him. And quite frankly, our decision to raise as our own was the obvious choice anyway because OM gladly walked away on his own accord.
I'm not sure what all is figuring into Blue's decision, but in our case-- We believe no ONE person's rights outweigh another person's rights, ie my COM and H. It may seem to you that my OC is the only one who has anything to lose or gain in this situation, and as such all decsions should be based upon him alone. But, there are other people and their lives to be considered as well. Our COM and my H, and yes even our M needed to be considered too, as they all had something to lose or gain as well. We made the best decision, while trying to consider the rights and what was best for ALL the parties involved, not just the OC. But again, OM was no where around, so it's pretty much a moot point anyway.
Because Cali-- it's not about whether the OM is a good parent or not. It's not because I think anyone who has an A is an unfit parent, because obviously the mother had one too, just as I did and it would be hypocritical to say an OM is automatically a bad parent, but not the WW. But, back to my first point-- many of them don't step up and try to claim their paternity anyway. So why roll out the welcome mat for them, if it's within the law not to so so, and when you also believe it's truly in the child's best interest not to? And secondly, this is not about revenge for the pain caused to the BH, or at least it shouldn't be.
Cali-- Once again, more times than not, it is the bio father HIMSELF who is doing any "depriving", not the BH. Beyond that though, I guess after seeing my H with our child, I don't put near as much emphasis on bilogy as you do, so I don't see much deprivation going on. What I see is the fact my H quite possibly has "saved" my child's life, in giving him a fulltime, loving father and a drama free life.
One other note Cali, because I'm a little confused myself. Elsewhere, you and I discussed a little bit about the lawsuit of the man from MI, and his contention a man should be able to "opt out on fatherhood" if he simply doesn't want a child. Why do you find it OK for the bio-father to opt out on his child, thus depriving his own child the right to know or have any support from him, YET you have a problem with a BH supposedly "trying to block C" between the bio father,(who hasn't shown any signs of wanting C anyway), and child??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Quote
Ad how could that possibly be best for oc to exclude om, her father from the picture.
First of all Cali, you know as well as I do from being on these boards that most OM/MM's exclude themselves, nobody has to do it for them. In all likelihood, this OM is no different, and is only too happy to walk away. If the OM really wants C, he will go for it. I am only suggesting to Blue that if he loves this child as his own, and is willing to take on all fatherly responsibilities that he shouldn't go out of his way to disprove his legally assumed paternity.
Quote
I get that they aren't doing anything illegal. But is that how that child will see it when the truth comes out?
I don't know how the child will see it when/if he/she finds out. It may very well all blow up in Blue and his W's face, just as it may happen for my H and me. Their OC may deal with much emotional turmoil at the point of discovery, just as ours may.
But, imo there is no perfect decision and no perfect outcomes in these kind of situations. We as parents have to make the best choices we can for our children. Blue seems to be coming from the same thought process as my H/me, in that we believe the good that will come out of raising our child in a secure, peaceful, 2 parent, intact family without shuffling him back and forth from 2 households, (and all that goes along with that), will far outweigh the damage that may be caused when/if our child finds out he has a bio father out there.
We may be completely ALL WET in this decision, but it's the chance we're willing to take, because again, there is NO perfect choice in this, and we can only work with what we have, but we believe this is the best choice for OC, our COM, my H, and our M. We feel our child may be hurt in either scenario, so we chose the scenario where we truly believe there will be the least amount of hurt for him. And quite frankly, our decision to raise as our own was the obvious choice anyway because OM gladly walked away on his own accord.
Quote
I'm not saying the whole process isn't hard on the M or COM but is preventing or trying to block C within all a persons legal means a good thing for a child.
I'm not sure what all is figuring into Blue's decision, but in our case-- We believe no ONE person's rights outweigh another person's rights, ie my COM and H. It may seem to you that my OC is the only one who has anything to lose or gain in this situation, and as such all decsions should be based upon him alone. But, there are other people and their lives to be considered as well. Our COM and my H, and yes even our M needed to be considered too, as they all had something to lose or gain as well. We made the best decision, while trying to consider the rights and what was best for ALL the parties involved, not just the OC. But again, OM was no where around, so it's pretty much a moot point anyway.
Quote
I guess I could see better if this person was or did something to hurt oc but thats not what I'm getting so I don't get it. Ad you know I'm a BS just like he is so it's not like I don't understnad the pain involved here.
Because Cali-- it's not about whether the OM is a good parent or not. It's not because I think anyone who has an A is an unfit parent, because obviously the mother had one too, just as I did and it would be hypocritical to say an OM is automatically a bad parent, but not the WW. But, back to my first point-- many of them don't step up and try to claim their paternity anyway. So why roll out the welcome mat for them, if it's within the law not to so so, and when you also believe it's truly in the child's best interest not to? And secondly, this is not about revenge for the pain caused to the BH, or at least it shouldn't be.
Quote
But I guess my bottom line thought is how can anyone say depriving or trying to aid in depriving a child from their bio parents wether we personally like them or not a good thing?
Cali-- Once again, more times than not, it is the bio father HIMSELF who is doing any "depriving", not the BH. Beyond that though, I guess after seeing my H with our child, I don't put near as much emphasis on bilogy as you do, so I don't see much deprivation going on. What I see is the fact my H quite possibly has "saved" my child's life, in giving him a fulltime, loving father and a drama free life.
One other note Cali, because I'm a little confused myself. Elsewhere, you and I discussed a little bit about the lawsuit of the man from MI, and his contention a man should be able to "opt out on fatherhood" if he simply doesn't want a child. Why do you find it OK for the bio-father to opt out on his child, thus depriving his own child the right to know or have any support from him, YET you have a problem with a BH supposedly "trying to block C" between the bio father,(who hasn't shown any signs of wanting C anyway), and child??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />