I am removing this post with the mutual agreement of my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I think it would have been much better to work on your marriage. I know it would have been the more difficult path, but in the end would have been the best choice.

For a woman who has had more than her share of trials, you seem strangely unconcerned and unfeeling toward the woman whose husband you calculatingly chose. She had no choice in any of this, and yet it is HER life.

Please don't tell me she is a ****** and ddidn't deserve him, or that they have an "open marriage". We've heard that story too many times from the cheaters.

I am removing this post by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

"The consideration, safety, and well-being of families and spouses had been negotiated right at the beginning (at least that was our intention)."

So, he dispensed with birth control...... Wonder how he was going to explain THAT ONE to his wife?

Sorry, I don't like your plan. You cheated your spouses and families out of time, money and exlusivity.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

I suggest you not call your former affair parnter your "lover" as it is an insult to every betrayed spouse on this board. I am curious when this "waking you up" stuff started with your H? Was it while the A was ongoing? I would guess he and the BW of your MOM KNEW something wasn't right. I do hope by now your BH has told the MOM's W the truth about her life. She deserves to know she was betrayed and possibly subjected to STD's.

I'm sorry you had to come to a decision to end the life of an unborn.

Seeing though as it has not improved your M, was it worth it? You don't sound at peace with your decision, and I imagine you won't be for a while...have you given thought you those feelings will affect how you rear your remaining biological children?

Whatever you decide to do, you will have to be prepared for a maelstrom of emotions: those of your H, your own, and the immediate community around you.

What are you prepared to do?

This woman has told you how a WS is thinking when getting ready to have an affair. I see all kinds of attacks to her for telling you her feelings. Regardless if it's right or wrong.......it's her feelings.

As far as the child she aborted, well my view points are very strong on this, regardless of the circumstances 99% of the time. Which the ones here who know me know how I feel about this. She has to live with that. I'm surprised that more of you knowing that it's an oc is not pleased with her decission to abort no?

I'm a bit confussed though about your marriage now. Did you say it's no better or worse?

YOu say it's all your husband, and you've done everything. Maybe that high price counselor best in town is not the best. I'm sure there are other churchs as well in the area that you can attend and try and get some clarity on this.

What I'm about to say is going to ruffle some feathers, but although I do believe in a lot of the Harely's ways, I don't however think it's healthy for your kids or yourself to be around an abusive father and husband. If they go and hide when he comes home is a sure sign that something is not right. If he treats your children especially the ones that are not 100% whole in his eyes with disrepect or hositle in any way and has not seen by NOW with all the years of counseling you two have had then something is wrong. I don't care who he has on his side. His family, his church who ever! That is wrong.

As far as your affair goes. you maynot like the respones you've gotten. They are betrayed as well. You seem to know you did wrong. You seem to know that you only complicsted your life more with that affair. YOU have to LIVE with yourself and ask for forgiveness for the abortion you had. (sorry my opinion if you don't agree disregard my statement). But my concern is your kids. If you and your husband can't get it together then you have to take care of those kids. Your husband too has to answer to God for the way he treats his kids. But as a Parent it is your responsiblity to make sure they are not only physcially healthy, but mentally healthy as well. Even your children with the disabilities.

You have your plate full, but sounds like your going to school and taking care of there needs as far as caring and learning about the disability. I hope that one day your husband can see that you did not do this to your children, that it happens even to the most rich and powerful as well. It's not the end of the world, it could be much worse, although I understand it's hard. Good luck to you.

atpeace, that is an insult. How dare you insinuate that just because we have been affected by an OC in our lives that WE would encourage this poster or applaud this poster in having an abortion? Get off this board if you cannot be more civil. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Double post. Oops

FF you know, I know there are a lot here this does not apply to and if it does not then ignore. As an fow/oc I've been very honest about my good and bad feelings. I've not sugar coated anything. I've been asked questions and I've answered regardless of any lashings I may get. Some apprceiate it some don't. But you also know there are those that feel we all should have. Because of the aftermath of it. Okay I was being unsensitive and I'm sorry, but I have been touched by several incidents by both single and reading some post of bw's and MM's regarding this very subject. Then in the archives looking for something for someone else related to something else over oc's and found some more here as well. It just seems to be flowing right now. Abortion is NOT birth Control!
Sorry to T/J

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

I am removing this post by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

excuse me but LOVE is not involved in ADULTERY and I say that as a FWW as well as a BS

And I am sorry that you chose to abort your child. That is a heart breaking decision and one no woman should feel they have to make.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

You need to also understand that the pain you have been going through because of "this decision" is no greater than the pain you have also caused to everyone else's life which you willfully damaged. I'm sorry you are suffering after your abortion. But have you apologized to the OM for what you did to him, to his wife for what you did to her M and One-upmanship against her because you were able to conceive HER H's child? Do you have any concept of the pain his wife is in because all that you willfully chose to do? Your A was all about poor suffering you. No one's life is perfect, we all have our difficulties. You willfully ignored the hardships of everyone else's life to have a little "something" for you.
I hope you find help to heal for all your hardship's, but please don't expect us to ever think that your excuses are valid.

OK.... I have just read every post and would like to add a few thoughts of my own...

Sweet...you have been living a nightmare for a very long time. I can see that you felt like thinks would never be better and made choices, albeit bad choices, to improve your situation. It sounds like your H needs serious medications to just be tolerable. If he doesn't follow through with this, you really should consider protecting the children from their father. It has to be emotionally damaging to live with his yelling and accusing, as well as just being unavailable.

As for your part in all of this... Have the children become your main focus in life? It kind of reads like that. This is so damaging to even a normal relationship. There has to be some kind of middle ground so that you aren't drowning in your children's difficulties yet able to meet the extra needs they have. Counseling for this would be beneficial, I think. For you and your H.

Should she tell the OMW? I don't agree with that. Would this cause more harm than good? Would knowing that another woman was carrying her H's child be enough to damage this woman irreparably? I just feel that it would be more to punish the MOM than to benefit the OM's W.

I do want to thank you for posting. Some of us never have any real explanation for why our WS cheated on us. Other than the junk the WS spouts when trying to shift blame. May God bless you with his grace and forgiveness.

And also.... who are we to beat up on someone who has obviously repented her actions?

Loni

YES MOMW needs and deserves to know the truth about her life. "Cause her more harm"? How? By knowing why her M is lacking intimacy because of the open sore of betrayal that she feels but does not know about? Because her H put her at risk for STD's? Because her H betrayed her in the worst way by getting his MOW knocked up? As a BS, you KNOW that she knows something is wrong and the gap between her and her H will grow wider over the years until the truth comes out. As a BS do you not think MOMW should be able to decide for herself if she wants to stay M'd to a liar and a cheater? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I wanted to add that all this poster is doing is blameshifting, I don't see her taking responsibility for her actions but I see her pushing all the blame on her H.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

REALLY? Whatever happened to loving your neighbor/brother/sister? Whatever happened to personal responsibility? I also wonder why you are posting this story on the p/c board instead of general. Do you have a desire to hurt the women on this board even further than they already have been hurt? If this is a cautionary tale of how not to become a WW then it belongs on general.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Since no one knows what two bulls will do when confronting one another (and since the "other bull" was ten years younger) I opted not to tell him his name. I wanted to keep my husband safe from harm's way, and from legal trouble. He did exhaust himself trying to find out, which perhaps was cruel on my part.
[/quote] That was utterly selfish and cruel. I went through the same thing with my FWH and believe me it is cruel beyond belief that you could sit there and after hurting him in the way you did with your betrayal, that YOU could decide WHAT he could know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So you are smarter than Dr. Harley too? Wow! A liar, a cheater and smarter than the man that has saved countless marriages. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I truly hope the rest of this story comes to the point of you telling every detail including your AFFAIR partners name to your poor BH.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

your hostility is ooozing

You had me, I could feel your pain.
Then ya lost me, you cannot control someone else's reaction's, to do so is controlling.

You thought you did the right thing, now only time will tell.

but a serious ?, have you found a day sitter to help you with your children? I think you would benifit with the help.

I don't understand one detail.

Your husband was ignoring you and not involved enough in therapy yet he went to marital counseling with you twice a week? I can't envision a scenario where a husband goes to marital counseling, twice a week, at the most expensive therapist in town and yet his wife thinks he is not engaged in fixing the marriage or involved in the therapy to a satisfactory level.

Additionally, contrary to your hypothesis my wife was VERY forthright about all the details of her affair. There isn't a thing I don't know and my wife has reaped the benefits of being radically honest. A recovered marriage with ever growing intimacy. Your theory presumes your husband is merely your dog (fleas and all) in need of admiration. I propose that if you feed your dog too much junkfood, it MAY really wag it's tail and love you...but in the end all you've got is a dog, with an ever present upset stomach and loads of crap in your grass. A man you respect, love and desire to rebuild a intimate marriage with...deserves the entire truth and then he can do what he wants with that truth. Your dishonest serves neither him nor you.

Lastly, a guess...your graduate degree...in the pysch field???

Mr. Wondering

As Faithful said,
Your tale belongs in general. Your callous attitude toward marriage, your justifications and lying are not going to bring you any assistance from this board. If you want help for a healthy marriage, then throw out your pious, self-rightous attitude, find true remorse which you have shown none of for your spouse, children, and the other man's wife, and don't spout your justifications for the behavior you exhibited to those of us that have suffered from the same type of reckless, cruel behavior.

excuse me while I throw up. What are you writing a book? When my H asked me questions about my A, I gave him the whole truth. Unfortunately MY pain was extended for a great deal of time due to my H be very resistant to giving me the details I NEEDED to heal. YOU as the wayward do not get to decide which details are "important"

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

"And what did I have to show for this marriage? A man who yelled at me for trivialities, complete and total social isolation, three sick children out of five, and a dead baby."

Really? I see a lot of blame shifting here. Your husband didn't choose for you to be PG from the OM. Your husband didn't choose a dead baby either.

I am removing my post with the mutual agreement of my wife.

this is fishbait

Not odd at all. As a matter of fact its so typical we can map a chart to it.


So why didn't you just ditch it all (aka divorce) but BEFORE you cheated.

I'll tell you why, because having and eating cake is so much easier on you.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

So why not add to the perceived insanity by having an adulteress affair.

Oh wait, you did.


Now this is a stretch so bare with me, but do you think maybe just maybe, he was hurting unbelievably over your betrayal of him. I mean, how dare he demonstrate any kind of human emotions for feeling the devistating trauma of being lied to and betrayed by the one person he THOUGHT he could trust. The nerve.

finetoapoint,

troll suspect #1

see: Recovery Troll post

If you desire further information.

Besides...this thread isn't entertaining...if it's true, it's tragic. This woman is way down the road of recovery only to discover she took the wrong road...no wait, she hasn't discovered that part...yet. Sorry to ruin the ending.

Mr. Wondering

Hey sweetsobriquet,

Your "tale" is very ordinary. Nothing special at all. Its the dauntingly typical selfish fodder every active self-serving unrepentent WS spews. A script that could almost be recited word for word.

When you have reached the point where you begin to realize the destruction YOUR very poor choices have made and how they have severly impacted your children, your husband and your marriage, come back and we'll support you. Until then, happy trails in your delusional FOG.

Jo

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Actually, I am NOT divorced. I never updated my profile and frankly my marriage is none of your business. This woman is blameshifting all of her marital woes on her H. Her writing style smells of soap operaish book writing to me.

As for her taking her H's feelings into consideration? Bullhockey! A wayward has an obligation to answer any and all questions that they betrayed spouse requires answered. period!

Oh and "finetoapoint" to defend many posters here on MB that ARE divorced, it does NOT spell failure on that person's part. Some people succesfully recover on a personal level but the marriage cannot be salvaged. D does not equal failure.

Not surprisingly, you missed the point. Its repeat of what we've read so many times we can type it for you in our sleep. We certainly don't need you "cautioning us" to beware of such ordinary poor behavior.

What we do find interesting and worth our time is a 'former" cheater who has emerged from their selfish behaviors and feels remorse for the hurt they have placed on others.

Now thats a tale worth reading and supporting.

Yes, or troll-bait!

Sweet, when you're done writing your book, before sending it to any publishing houses for consideration, you may want to proof read it for accuracy. In your first post, you say you told your BH about your A the day before the abortion. In later post, you change it to fit the story and say you told him the day after......

Regards,

BB

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Can you say "projection". LMAO

Finetoapoint = sweetsobriquet

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

If this is your best work, don't quit your day job.

Perhaps your "cautionary tale" is wasted here.

Maybe you need to post it on TOW.

I am Bellevue. Long time member.

I just finished reading this thread. Here is my assessment:

The writer is really a man
The writer is a troll
" " doesn't want dialogue; he wants to put his fantasy up on our board
He has had letters successfully printed in Penthouse Forum but had his manuscripts rejected by all other publishers;
He is not writing for his audience; he is writing for his ego
Oh, did I mention also, a troll.

But remember, my judgment is suspect; I've been told that I'm crazy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

>I've been told that I'm crazy.

Was that the voices in YOUR head the voices in MY head were arguing with?

git ouda there

no, you git ouda there!

who you?

who all dese voices squatting in my brain?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Bell,

I suspect a male as well.

especially...finetoapoint's posts.

Mr. W


p.s. - I compared your husband to a dog because that is how you treat/treated him (he still doesn't know OM's name) and you planted the dog analogy in my head when you said the following which struck me oddly when surrounded by seeming, apparent or supposed real life examples of what you didn't tell your husband (maybe they were ALL just examples but you added "which I considered a plus" seemingly making at least one item personal...why not the fleas comment as well. woof, woof):

WOW..... I have just read this whole thing. JEESH....

I only want to add a few things:
1. exposure is supposed to be for a reason.
2. Please have some idea what the OP's spouse is like before exposing a dead affair. This person could very well, take it so badly as to cause permanent harm.
3. But, answer EVERY question a spouse has about the affair. My XH still hasn't disclosed everything and I still want know the details. It was very important to me to know everything even though it cause excruciating pain. At least then, the lies would have stopped and that was really the worst part for me. Sweet, you said that you didn't tell him the man's name even though he wore himself out trying to find out, then you said that if your H really wanted to know something you told him....you backtalked yourself pretty well there.

Loni

Sweet,

Let's assume for a moment that this "cautionary tale" is for real. I guess I am at a loss as to what you are cautioning people about.

Is it that you cannot trust a woman that "plans" to have an affair?

Is it that life is unfair and that sometimes people are handed some really tough things to endure? The caution would them be perhaps...don't live such a life???

Is it that a self-focused person NEVER sees the other people in their lives?

Is it that innocent children pay for someone having an affair?

Is it that you actually learned something about relationships and marriage and you are cautioning everyone to do this early in the marriage rather than plan and have an affair, focus on children and not your spouse, and have little apparent remorse for what has transpired.

Is it that you can blame shift your marriage and your behavior on to your H although he had a undiagnosed medical condition and your children (most of them) have a diagnosed medical condition?

What exactly are you cautioning about in this "tale"?

But, what I am really interested in is have you learned anything and have you developed a conscience yet? Your statement about the "real world" suggests that you hold open the option to have more affairs and leave your H if things don't go right.

I look forward to your response.

JL

FCF -

If she is telling the truth she's preaching to the choir when she needs to be facing the congregation.

The people here are already LIVING the devastation.

I agree Kimmy.