Hello anyone... I've been married 7yrs and the last 3 have just been horrible marriage went bad and I had an affair... I have 3 children 6, 4, and a newborn and the newborn is athe result of the affair.. my H and I just found out in the beginning of june, we had a DNA test done. Well back in Feb my H was relocated for work from CA to OR so he has been living in OR every since, it's been about 6 months. Up until the baby was born he would travel back and forth to visit us at least every 3 to 4 weeks.. during that time of course things were extremely ruff but we continued to have a sexual relationship and I never knew were I stood but was trying so hard to make things right i took anything I could get...during the last year I have healed so much Got my life straight/right with god and made some major changes..... The plan was always for us, regardless of the results to move out to Oregon after the baby was born so that the kids could be near him so now the kids and I have moved to OR as well and it's been awful since the moment we got here.. as to be expected he his very angry and just acts like he hates me... and now the last year of me changing and repenting for myself and my family has been wiped away in his eyes and now he wants a divorce... 2 days after the result he decided thats it so...now my question is I know I have to let him go but does this mean I need to let go completely or is it still ok to have faith and hope for my family? or is this setting myself up for more heart ache... help... i feel so lost and alone..

Hey Massiel,
This particular forum doesn't see as much activity as the General Questions forum. There is a lot of good advice here and you would probably get more/faster responses posting in GQII. Welcome to the forum, sorry you had to find your way here.

Massiel,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. While I am sorry your situation led you here, you have found a place for great help.

Please start by reading ALL sections on this site. Be sure to read the "sticky" topics at the top of this "Pregnancy/Child" forum and the ones at the top of the "Just Found Out" forum. Lots of VERY useful advice and links on them to help you understand this site and the answers you will receive. Yes, on the General QuestionsII forum you will get more replies but they will be based more on strictly Marriage Building. Necessary? YES!!! But adding a baby to the mix does seriously complicate matters and many on GQII have not experienced that complication. It's always easy to say what you WOULD do IF you were in those circumstances until you actually walk in those shoes!!! Here on the Pregnancy/Child forum most HAVE walked in those shoes and know the pain & problems you're dealing with. There's no problem with posting on both forums. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Any and ALL help is always useful.

What's the situation with the XOM Massiel? Does he have contact? Is he aware of the baby and the DNA results? How were things BEFORE the DNA results with your H? Did he notice your changes and respond to them? Do you know what his needs are? Have you been in counseling? How did the affair end?

Please stick around Massiel. There is hope for your marriage. It's only been a month since your H received the DNA results. He's shocked, and hurt beyond belief. It takes time to work on these things. Time and ALOT of work.

READ!! Post! Ask questions. Educate yourself about affairs and rebuilding your marriage and how to apply it to your life. There is hope. More heartache? Possibly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But at least you'll know you did all you could do to save your family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Massiel, I am so very sorry for your situation. Hopefully Autumn Day or Tigger will come along. They are both FWW's whose H's are raising the OC as their own. It CAN be done but sweetie you need to give your H some time to accept this. It is possible he won't but since he indicated prior to DNA that he would accept the baby I suspect he will eventually. Is the OM totally out of the picture? Please tell me you have no plans to tell OM about the DNA results. I will do a call out to a couple of the men I know who are raising their OC. God bless you and please don't give up!

Thanks for responding...
The XOM knew that I was pregnant but was informed that I did not want anything to do with him or have him involved in the OC's life what's so ever and he said ok... so have not seen or spoken to the XOM for more than 10 months.. He is not aware of the DNA results and dont see how he every would be. Things with my H before the DNA results were already hanging by a thread he was very angry in knowing there was a possibility that the baby could not be his but I was honest from day one.. we still maintained some what of a relationship when he came to visit we slept together did things with the kids and he would always stay with us... things seemed to be getting better towards the end of the pregaancy he was even more affection and caring which was something I hadnt felt in years at least not the way it was feeling this time around it felt good but as soon as those results came in he seemed to do a complete 360 and now wants nothing to do with me, he is very cold and insensitive just acts like he could care less about me and if im cyring it really doesnt even seem to affect him at all... he really only thinks of himself and his feelings at this point.. The rejection at times is UNBEARABLE!! He says he knows i've changed but that it's to late for him and that this was the last straw it seems to me like he's lost all faith and hope and his eyes are not on God... I know what he needs right now is time and space and he does say that alot of people divorce and re-marry later on in life but i feel he just says that to ease the blow.. I've been going to counsel he has not since hes been up here and thats been more than 6 months... he hangs out with guys who are lost and are not in any shape to bring him up in my opinion but they are nice people, I have nothing against them... but....I tried to see if he would go to counseling w/me to gets some clarity and closure with this whole situation and to find out how we got here... regardless of were the counseling may lead us but he is aganinst it he said he just wants to focus on himself and the kids and not on us at all.. The affair ended long before I got pregnant but I went back one last time and ended up pregnant things at home again with my H at the time were not good and I know this never made it ok but I was lost then and wasnt strong enough to make the right decisions for myself now knowing what I know I know that God is and should be the first love of my life and so when things like this happen you dont loose your way and have enough love for yourself to not make it way worse if you know what im saying. I'm willing to do anything and everything to save my family. It;s just hard when the one person you love so much looks at you like they hate you and like you annoy them... He still wants to see me in the old light and not in the new light I am a different person but he doesnt want to see that or except it he wants to continue holding on to the past... I just want to move forward and im willing to wait but he tells me not to.... I do want to do all I can do to save my marriage & family...

You need to give him time. To have his W give birth to the child of another man is HUGE. Imagine how it makes him see himself through the eyes of others. Continue to be work on yourself and take care of your family. Pray, pray, pray

If he mentions D, just tell him you don't "do" divorce and that you want to work with him to have a better marriage.

In the meantime, what books have you read? Is he willing to talk with a pastor with you? What is his support system like throughout this ordeal?

Massiel,

I once was in your husband's shoes. However, my reaction was different. I didn't want any other man to be any type of daddy/father/friend/etc. to my other two children. So I tried to keep it all together until 12 years she decided she wanted to "find herself." That was a long time ago. Our children are now 44, 32, & 37. I think she is still looking for herself.

Hang in there. If your husband realizes that if he leaves you, he leaves his two children also, he may try to keep it together also.

Ronald...

May God bless you for posting here...in many, many ways.

Eibrab

I am giving him his space and he still insistant on divorce and says he doesnt look at me the same or love me like that anymore that I've beaten it out of him.... im in so much pain all the time and I know in time it will get better but how do you let go when everything in you and Gods word says its possible especially if you have a repentent heart...
I've read several books like making peace with your past, captivating, personal revival,etc.. and im currently reading Discovering God and have 2 more on there way in the mail which are marriage undercover and why christians commit adultery... I journal as well and plan on involving myself with a church as soon as I find one i like...i find that i've begged and pleaded this whole year and continue to so maybe enough is enough I am tired but for some reason Its still in me to fight maybe we just wont be one of the lucky few who make it.... he's not willing to meet with a pastor ,counselor or anyone right now if its in regards to us...he says he's made his decision and that's final.

Massiel,

Let me offer you some more advice. Please reread your first posts. And then go read the section on this site called Love Busters. The most deadly of ALL love busters is the disrespectful judgement, DJ for short. You are committing them right and left on your posts. What this does is undermine your intentions and make it seem as if you don't have a clue about what he is going through. You may, or you may not, but there seems to be a little empathy or reality.

Permit me to quote just two things for further discussion. You said Please read this statement over and over. The affair did NOT end. You went back to OM had sex, and got pregnant. Those are the facts that your H is dealing with. He KNOWS you went back to OM because you wanted to, and you became pregnant by OM. Those are facts. Everything else is merely you covering up in his eyes. Worse, he suspects you will go back to OM again IF things get tough. OR you might find yet another OM. How many children can he afford to rear anyway? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Now this sounds as if I am picking on you. But, I am not. I am offering you some insight into how your H may well be feeling about this. Do you think crying and saying I'm sorry is going to change his mind? Not likely because these things don't indicate you that YOU are strong enough to make the correct decisions and protect YOUR H. You have not figured out yet, that he sees that baby every day and he sees YOUR betrayal.

You need to change your approach to your thinking and your approach to your H. A wife is someone that a husband should be able to rely on. Someone strong enough to support him when he is down. You are not fulfilling this are you?

Further, if you give him time he might well bond with this child and if he does, the chances of the marriage continuing go up, IF you have truly changed your approach to things.

Please seek some counseling for yourself. Please read the articles on this site. And please listen to the ladies and gentlemen who have been in either your position or that of your H. They are out there and I am sure some will come forward IF they are not on vacation.


[/quote] now knowing what I know I know that God is and should be the first love of my life and so when things like this happen you dont loose your way and have enough love for yourself to not make it way worse if you know what im saying. I'm willing to do anything and everything to save my family. It;s just hard when the one person you love so much looks at you like they hate you and like you annoy them... He still wants to see me in the old light and not in the new light I am a different person but he doesnt want to see that or except it he wants to continue holding on to the past... I just want to move forward and im willing to wait but he tells me not to.... I do want to do all I can do to save my marriage & family... [/quote]

I think you are missing something very profound. The look is anger not hate. And the anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as: fear, pain, frustration, anxiety, etc. What you are seeing is the pain your H is in. What you are feeling and hearing is his struggle to deal with this. His feeling of needing to divorce is a real one, and it is based on his view of himself, and the pain he is in. These things may change with time IF you start to really address what he is dealing with.

Your focus is on how YOU feel when he.... What you should be focusing on is how HE feels when he does or says...

This is a very tough situation for a spouse to swallow. While you understand you have done wrong. You don't seem to understand how much devastation you have done to your H.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

hi sorry to see you here in this situation.this is a test post so if this goes thru i will post further.

Thanks for the feed back... I hear you loud and clear and agree with you 100%... I do and have been listening to him and have been in the line of fire of his pain willingly because I do care how he feels and I want to be able to support him but no matter what I do it always seems to back fire on me.. since i am the source of all that is hurting him and has caused the pain, nothing I do is enough or its misconstrude etc... but I continue to be here and want to i have taken full responsibility for my actions and make no excuse for them. I take it because I love him and I'm trying the best I can. When I think of the pain I have caused him I cant even describe to you how awful and disgusted it makes me feel... we have had problems with this for the last almost 3 years this last year dealing with all the aftermath... and with him sleeping with 2 other woman which I feel is my fault as well...I feel like everything is my fault, but then im told all the time it takes 2.. so as much as the divorce hurts me I know I have to let him go and let him be and leave it all in Gods hands... i am nothing but kind to him even when he says the most hurtful things I dont want to make it any worse so im always bitting my lip as I should. I always have the best intentions for him... I know im not perfect and I do validate his feelings and his side of things. I truley just want to do whats right and in the end want him to be happy... by the way the OM lives out of state so theres no chance of that happening the mere thought of it makes me want to... well lets just say NEVER AGAIN and thats with anyone as well.. I love myself to much now and Maybe im to late for my H but I have changed and grown spiritual, emotionally, and as a person and will never go back to that old life.. this life lesson came with too much of a high cost for lack of better words.. We've lost everything!! I know right now I have no trust from him or anything and rightful so but I hope in time I can earn it all back...I would do anything to do so...

please listen to jl and the others as they have so much great advice. i am th eproverbial bs and my w and i are raising our oc. although everybody is different and we are recieving child support (cs) and om hac visitation i truly believe that if your om is willing to stay away that is the best way to save your marriage.

your h is very angry and probably trying to gain some control of his life again. hsi insisting on d is also probably at least partly because that is what he feels is the "normal" avenue in these cases.

it sounds like the marriage was in deep caca prior to this and thi sis as you say your h put the "straw that broke the camels back".

to repair and rebuild this marriage will take much more then you wanting it to. you need to find peace with yourself and hope and pray that your h can find forgiveness in his life for "THIS" situation.

then you will have to start working on the problems that led to the troubled marriage initially.

you will also have to accept and own what you have done to your h, family and marriage. the excuse that the A ended and you went back for one last romp is bunk. and quite frankly doesn't mean garbage anymore.

you and your h have to decide and come to terms that what happened is over and make sure that it can never happen again. then if both of you are willing to put in the effort you can rebuild your relationship..

i am here to tell you that i had the same anger and pain that your h is feeling and that if he chooses he can work thru it and your family can stay intact and grow.

i haven't been reading at mb for some time now but will stop back to see if you have any questions. you can ask me anything as i am very open and honest.

to all those that i haven't tickled fingers with in so long i would like to say hello, thanks for all the help you gave me and i hope your lives are working out the way God had them planned.

by the way OC has H's last name and now he wants it changed pretty hurt about this... any thoughts??

i can just explain how things happened for me. one of the conditions for me was that the baby have my last name if she was to be raised in our house. my reasoning was simple. we had 7 kids already. that made 9 people in the house with the same last name. i thought that having any other would separate the oc from the family.

i understand your h's anger. but agian if your marriage was so shaky already i feel he is viewing this as his way out because that is what society says should happen in these situations.

is he willing to come here and talk about things? as always i would be glad to answer any questions he may have.

The laws are different in different states. Some states believe your H is the father of the child, therefore the same name, unless paternity is proven. Your married name can be given to your child as it is your name. Some women D and want the child to have the same last name and give it their maiden name. And then there's the OM' name. If you want to try to save your M and family, then you stay 100% NC with OM. If he has walked away, then leave that dog alone. Name your child after yourself (the different names are always a hassle with the school's and dentist's etc.).
Do not get defensive, you do not have to take abuse from your H, however, you created this. There will be a lot of pain for both of you to get through if you want to keep your family and M. You have been given good information above. Now you need to start reading, His needs/her needs, surviving an affair. The General section may be more helpful for you in how to approach your H to try to salvage your M. But, they may not be as helpful with the additional issues of the OC. Post over here for those more specific issues and hopefully every one will drop in to offer helpful advice.

FTS

Wait, just, a minute. . .


It would help if you used paragraphs to make your posts a little easier to read.

To better understand your situation, a time line would be useful.

How long was your affair?

How many affairs have you had?

How many has your husband had?

Were his affairs before, after or during your affair?

Who is telling you it takes two?

What I see in your posts is that you believe you have changed and therefore deserve a reset button.

There isn't one.

What I do see are three little kids who did not deserve what you AND your husband have done to destroy their lives.

What I see is that you do not at all like the consequences of what you have done. Tough, deal with it like a grownup. grow a set of morals and then live by them.

What I see is a husband who has no claim on the moral high ground. So quit acting like he does.

Sackcloth and ashes is one way to handle the consequences of your choices, and his. Taking a deep breath and growing up to move on with a life where you raise good kids and stay out of trouble through emotional self control is another.

Right now your problem isn't trying to restore a relationship you both shot dead and buried. Your problem is how to raise your kids.

Simply put, you have to start all over or not at all.

It is ok to regret. It is ok to feel remorse. It is ok to understand the depth of the damage you have done to another human being (husband) and to your kids and yes, to yourself. It is ok for you to understand that your husband has acted with his own lack of honor and integrity. It is ok for you to move on with your life, sadder and wiser.

What is not ok is for you to wallow around in self pity to the point where you are unable to take care of your kids and shelter then as much as you can from the bad choices you and your husband have made. You can only control yourself; if he wants to wallow around in his own set of emotions, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it other than to care, and show it.

You will get great advice here if you are willing to listen to it and stay the course.

Larry

good catch Larry. I had a hard time with her long, single paragraph.

Hi pops... I did let H know about the forum and told him about your offer to answer any questions that he has so I dont know if he will or not but he didnt say he wouldnt so we'll see I guess... the OM is not involved at all in OC life nor do I ever want him to be...In answer to your other question I guess if H wanted to work on working on things, VERY SLOWLY of course, He would then want her to have his last name... but since H has decided on divorce it's different. I wasnt planning on changing my last name either for the sake of the kids so that we would all have the same last name to avoid any confusion or early questions for them that may come up because obviously being 4 and 6 they would not understand plus they ask so many questions already as it is I dont want to have to deal with another one or have to make them think of it either... This has nothing to do with me being selfish like H likes to put it..but when it comes down to it is his last name so I will respect his wishes...it's just hard.... everything is so crazy!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> H does always say things like it only makes sense that I should divorce u who wouldnt and things like that and I agree society and mankind do see things that way but I choose to see things through the eyes of God and not mankind which maybe easier for me right now at this time but I have so much faith & hope in our family and continue to pray for guidance, courage and strength,,, God is the God of fat chances, slim chances and no chances.. right?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> i told H that I am respecting his boundaries and wishes and will let him move on as he wishes and I will have to as well but that doesnt mean that I will loose hope and faith right away and it definitely doesnt mean im going to be hounding him or invading his space...I love him enough to let him go as awful as this is for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I hope to at least gain a good friendship for the kids sake,,, by the way this whole situation would be easier if we were not living with him right now im in transition trying to find a job up here and an apartment...so I'm trying to avoid him so that I dont upset him... I just feel like such a thorn in his behind....and I really dont want to be... Im trying so hard to make it work up here so that the children can have their father...but it's becoming very difficult....Im tryin to be as selfless as possible...sorry if im rambling...

Sorry for the confusion...(larry and everyone else)

I think im being misunderstood.I've made the choice to make better decisions for myself and my children and I dont feel sorry for myself im just trying to gain input and some good advice from others to better myself I have read and are currently reading books His needs her needs is next in line...

"aking a deep breath and growing up to move on with a life where you raise good kids and stay out of trouble through emotional self control is another"

I agree with your quote above...

Im not chatting on this forum to get pitty or am I wallowing around..I do have a set of self morals and I know that now i am living my life right and with my kids as my main focus now.

In answer to the other q's....
affair went on 4close to a year and a half on and off including times when H and I were living together and when seperated. I got pregnant before and didnt know who's it was and had an abortion...then it happened again and this time didnt want to make the same mistake twice by aborting again so decided to do the right thing and take responsibilty and own up..this is what's started my road to recovery this baby has changed my life in waking me up and straightening me out.

My H slept with the other 2 woman after my affair.

We have tried to work things out 2x's moved back in and everything but I know the problem with that was we went to fast nothing really got dealt with and more was being added on to the situation...people have gotten in the way in general with there comments and some bad advice on both
ends. With H's 2nd OW I caught him inbed with her so thats and example of things just being added on and more painful memories being created...

Just talking about it makes me feel crazy..is this really what my life has been..?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Your right I do want a reset button and there isnt one and of course I dont like the consequences who would?? they are awful but your right I am and will continue to deal with them like a grown up..thats why im here is to seek counsel from others reach out, read book, help myself, focus on my children,,etc.. My choice is to start all over period in life for myself and my kids and if God has plans for my marriage it will be on his time and with his guidance not mine. I love my H &care for him and I have been showing it and will continue to no matter what the out come is...IM STAYING ON COURSE.

Oh and as far as who is saying it takes 2 almost everyone including my latest counselor.

just testing once more

seems to me your h is talking out of both sides of his face. with his "you are so wrong that i can't forgive you but i can now have the freedom to bang as many women as i want." this is a bunch of garbage.

again i will relate to my own situation and maybe you can pick something out of it to help yourself.

i as your h was in the mind set that the only choice i had was D. that was the "mandatory" action when a spouse cheats on you. i filled out the papers and tucked them in the drawer. they were never filed.

i found this site and the outpouring of advice and support that was offered to me saved my marriage.

i did however have that D notion in my head for a very long time. even the D now and reconcile later idea. the thought being that she (my w) had to pay in some way for her actions. and the D was the payment. i know, really dumb huh?

anyhow i would say that your course of action from here on out is to work on YOU. take care of your health, A proof your life, be the mother you are supposed to be, and become the woman that your h fell in love with 7 years back.

after that it is up to him to decide where he wants to be. i think he was looking for the way out and the dna test was that open door. your marriage has been struggling for some time.

i think your h playing house every 3-4 weeks was part of the inner battle he is facing. on one side he wants his marriage and family and on the other he wants out. his out now is the oc and it seems like he is using that as his excuse listening to the "mandatory" D viewpoint.

as far as the name goes i am sure that your h is feeling the embarassment of "his" name on om's child. unforunately for him (depending on which state you live in) it is also your name after he said "i do".

Pops,
Thanks for your insight!... It's good to get input from amother man who has been through this.. I really appreciate it.. so for now im letting go and letting God and im focusing on myself and the kids.. i'll keep you posted... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Massiel,

While what I am about to tell you may appear like brinkmanship (the art or practice of pushing a dangerous situation or confrontation to the limit of safety especially to force a desired outcome),I hope that you at least give it some serious consideration.

Right now your H realizes that he has the "power" in the marriage because of your guilt with regards to your affair and your OC. He KNOWS that you are the desperate one of the two in trying to save the marriage so he has nothing to fear by threatening you with divorce. But if you were to gain the emotional strength to tell him "As much as I love you and want to be your W, I will respect your decision for a divorce". Will he change his tune? Only the good Lord knows BUT he will take notice of your emotional strength and it just MIGHT make him stop his threats of divorce and POSSIBLY make him question if a divorce is what he really wants. Is it a manipulative tactic? Probably but no matter how you look at it, you will have to start to develop your emotional strength not just for your sake but for your children's as well. Remember that emotional strength attracts and fear repels which of the two have been showing him?

TMCM