Been a wile, thought I would give an update on my life, marriage, and OC.

Marriage seems to be doing well, the problems with SF that we where having a few years ago are gone. We seem to be meeting each others needs fairly well and doing good with honesty and enthusiastic agreement. The only hard part is finding the time for UA with a toddler running around.......and our other new responsibility (See below) I also do not trigger nearly as often, and I hope it gets to be even less.

OC is doing well, she is potty training and has an ever expanding vocabulary. She is also a little ball of rebellious energy, and is definitely a "Daddy's girl" So far she does not really trigger me. She also looks like me, everyone says she has my eyes. I don't think anyone will question her parentage.

OM has been in and out of jail as of late. Normally he is hard to track, and after a wile I stopped trying. He was staying away and it took too much effort to do it with the contacts I have in his county. But.... His XW lives in the same county as we do, and she finally went after him for back child support. It's hard to pay child support when you have never had a job where you payed taxes.

I don't even need to try and watch him here, people just call me occasionally and tell me stuff. Nothing brightens my day more than OM being in jail.

As far as life goes.... Back in September we experienced an abrupt life change. My wife's sister, through complete lunacy on her part (Drugs, Theft, and apparently her boyfriend was a wanna be pedophile), had her 3 children taken away. We now have guardianship of them. There mother can only see them in the presence of a court appointee (My wife) as a condition of her bond. She goes on trial late this month.

All 3 are girls, ages 14, 12, 10 and boy was I unprepared for the change from Uncle-Gack1 to Uncle/provider/leader/father figure/Gack1. The adjustment has been eye opening.

These girls where not raised the way most children are. Closing doors, locking doors, turning off lights, TV, or electric heaters are all foreign to them. Having chores was also something they had never had. Basically anything involving structure and discipline was unknown to them outside of school. So at first, we had a real ruff time.

The youngest has adjusted the best, the middle does fine as long as the oldest is not around...The oldest is as defiant, and rebellious as her mother. She is the one we are having the most problems with, but even she has adjusted fairly well, and they are all doing well in school.

Of course this has affected us financially. Eating out once a week is a thing of the past, and you can forget buying parts for my automotive hobby. It's more like we might be able to eat out once every other month, and I felt good last month because I saved enough to buy a can of spray paint. Had to ditch the cell phones, and dropped the insurance on and stored my automotive hobby's.

There father is not paying child support, and we are having legal problems getting him to due to him and there mother still having custody, and us only being guardians.
It's a big mess.

After some thought, and seeking advise from friends, we decided to try and get financial aid for the girls from the state. We where able to keep them on medicare, but not one penny of actual money, not even food stamps.

We are barley, scraping by, but we are.

Well that's it. I only stop by MB every now and then to check on Writer1 and Sack.

If you read this, say hi.
If you have any questions comments or feedback, pleas post them.

Hi Gack.

Thanks for the update.

Wow, you guys have had some huge changes in your lives over the past few months. It sounds like you're holding up pretty well though. That was a very good thing you did, taking in those girls. Sorry this is causing financial hardship for you though. If it's going to be a long term thing, is there any way that you could become their foster parents? That way, you would be able to collect money from the state to help with their support.

I don't get on here as much as I used to either. My 2-year-old doesn't like me being on the computer. She loves to have all of my attention.

Oh, and I'm getting ready to go back to school for my teaching credential. We'll see how that goes with a toddler in the house.

YIKES Gack!!

You REALLY DID have some abrupt changes!!

A toddler and then THREE GIRLS, all teen/pre-teen!! Eeekkkk!!

You have your hands full!!

How are you & your W dealing with all this? Are you POJAing and sticking together on issues?

There MUST be some sort of financial aid available for you. Hopefully someone will stop by with some suggestions.

Whadda guy you are Gack! Good luck to you!

Gack1! My goodness what good people you are. Great update but I am concerned about the state of your M long term with the extra burdens. Are there any grandparents that would assist in the task of raising the girls? I agree with going for foster parenting or even getting assigned as temporary fosters so you can get some financial assistance.

My prayers are with you.

And writer..."Oh, and I'm getting ready to go back to school for my teaching credential. We'll see how that goes with a toddler in the house." Hurray for you!

Gack, what a great thing you are doing. I know this is a big change for you, but the difference you are making in the lives of your nieces will come back to you in triplicate.

This is a great story, even though I know things must be financially tight for you right now.

Dear Gack, my BH and I have an OC and I had a few questions for you, since you have an OC too. Is the OM in your OC's life at all? Does anyone--including OC--know about OM? We're still in the early stages of figuring out what to do and I could really use some perspective from someone who has been there. Right now OM is pushing for rights and we're trying to keep him out but things are not in our favor. No one knows of our situation yet, but most likely OM will get rights and we don't know how to cope with telling everyone and how to cope with shared custody. It seems you've kept yours private...does anyone know, and if so, how did you tell them and still maintain a relationship? Sorry to thread-jack, but you seem to have walked this same path. Thanks, Gack, and I admire you for your heroism!

Couple of things about that.
My SIL lost them as a condition of her bond, pending trial, when she shows for trial that order will be lifted. She is convinced she is not going to jail and is activley trying to find �The One� who will finally take care of her and her kids. We do not agree with this assesment. We belive she will ether not show for trial, or be convicted and spend atleast 5yrs behind bars. But untill then she still has primary shared custody of them, and refuses to relenquish the last bit of controll she has over there lives.

As I understand it, being �Foster parents� means that the state will have there nose in our lives. I would find surprise inspections and evaluations to be very intrusive. I do not trust the govt and I am a bit paranoid of it. But I could be wrong and it be nothing like that. I am hesitant, but we are looking into it.

Also, there father still shares custody of them, which complicates things further.
Yes, we are doing well in that regard.
That�s what we figured, but so far all we have hit is road blocks.
There are aunt's and grandparents, and sleep overs at friends, so the girls usually scatter to them on the weekends, so we do get some alone time.

Guess what a 2,000 Gallon Septic tank and a drain field for a 3br/2bath house cant do...





If you guessed "Handle the water from a family 6" you win a cookie.

The darn thing is short circuiting, mostly due to washer load. These girls go through a LOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT of clothes. At least one load per day, usually two and sometimes three. Sad thing is I dropped $3,000 on pumping, repairs, and cleaning the drain field last spring.

Now I am looking into the legalities of installing a separate drain field for the washer. Finances dictate that I will have to do it myself, which is fairly straightforward..... It's the 2'Wide x 6' Deep x 25' long trench I will have to dig that is the problem.

My lovely SIL did her taxes the day she got her W2, and of course claimed all three of her children. Since she only worked a part time retail job for about half of 2010 she got back a whopping $150.00 extra for all three. Had I been able to claim just one, I would have gotten back a few thousand extra.

She has also secretly remarried her most recent Ex-Husband, but they have decided to not live together. No one was supposed to know until after they decided if it would work out. aren't you supposed to decide that BEFORE you get married, Especially for the second time?

I have no idea what there motivation is, but I smell a rat.

We are also still waiting for SIL to go to trial so we can come up with a permanent plan.

Wow, Gack, let me just say that you are earning lots of reward in heaven! Amidst all of the trench digging and family drama are you and your BW able to have quality time together? I'm sure you need it more than ever before with all of the added stress!

I finally did our taxes, had I been able to claim all 3 niece's I would have gotten back an additional $6,000.00, More than enough to replace the drain field and pump the septic tank.

Some, but not as much as we want. There is also about 20 other things going on that take up our time. But we do try to spend at least an hour alone each night after the kids go to bed, and several hours alone Friday and Saturday.

This past weekend we spent a lot of time with each other and had several sessions of SF.... But we also got into a painful discussion about her affair, which I still have issues I need to express to her but she just want to forget it. I do think it was enough affair talk for both of us for a month or two.

So I pretty much would call this past weekend a draw on the Marriage front.

That's interesting to me that the A is still fresh in your mind after 4 years. My A was over a year ago, and I often wonder if my BH will still feel the sting down the road...and for how long?

It breaks my heart to think he may still be hurting from it years from now, but if I know what he needs me to do during those times I would do anything for him. Is there something your FWW could do to help you through those painful moments? How does talking about it help you? Just curious what those who have been betrayed want to get out of the conversation, since that makes a difference in how the betrayer works through that conversation.

That's great news Gack, and all of the preceding stuff. Happy for you.

Opt

""""""""""""It breaks my heart to think he may still be hurting from it years from now, but if I know what he needs me to do during those times I would do anything for him. Is there something your FWW could do to help you through those painful moments?""""""""""""

here's something that happened here about a year or so back. we were all in the bedroom and my w was talking w/ oc about different features in general. telling her how com had certain features/characteristics from her and myself.

then she started talking about things the oc had in common with her. I ended up finding a reason (mow the lawm i think) to leave the room b/c i started feelig some hurt with not being able to b part of the conversation.

it took me by surprise but i have since figured out that the oc does in fact have many of my characteristics. sure she has none of my geeology but she definatelt has many of my characteristics of attitude and emotions.

the other day we went to weinerschnitzels (hot dog joint) as we were finishing up she gave me her 2nd hot dog all wrapped up and said "here dad, i'm full you can have it".

they all laughed pretty hard when i bit into the empty bun. she had eaten just the hot dog and rewrapped up the bun.

definately "my" style


"""""""""How does talking about it help you? Just curious what those who have been betrayed want to get out of the conversation, since that makes a difference in how the betrayer works through that conversation.""""""""""

i haven't had any inclination to discuss the A for a long time but do remember wanting that much longer thne Fh ever had any desire to do so. i think it is b/c of the difference of perspective

the ws who is truly remorseful wants to put their mistakes as far behind them as they can. not refreshing them thru conversation is the simplest of ways to accomplish that means

while the bs some time may/will need reassurance when those ugly triggers slip back into their heads

2.5 years

And I would not call it "Fresh in my mind"
I was triggered by my FWW telling me that the OC had my eyes...

I believe my FWW is attempting to convince herself that the OC is physically mine. Wile that would make me very happy, the fact is she is not. (Unless you can be pregnant for 10.5 months) In other words, just like WW's do to there BH wile they are in an affair, my FWW is attempting to "Re-wright" our history to where her affair never happened.

Allowing her that luxury at this stage, to me at least, would make a farce of the pain that I was put through.

But typically, I try not to think of the affair or OC's genetics.

Yes, things will trigger this for him, even years down the road.

Sincere remorse from the former wayward.

Not
"Cant we just forget about it and put it behind us"
or
"Do we have to talk about this again"
or
"When are you going to let this go"

Exactly

I don't want to be triggered, I don't want to think about it. But sometimes I am/do and when that happens I need to talk about it.

Does any of that make sense?

The WS who is NOT remorseful also wants to avoid that particular conversation.

The WS who is TRULY remorseful and has empathy for the BS will have those uncomfortable conversations because they understand that "just compensation" is due. Which includes a willingness to engage in those difficult/embarrassing "refreshing" of the facts of life, as we have come to know it.

I would say that measuring the remorse of a WS by their desire to limit difficult conversations is risky at best. And is probably just wrong.

TRUE REMORSE MUST CARRY EMPATHY ALONG FOR THE RIDE.

Right on Pep, Right on.

So, update time.

Quick Quize Hotshot.

Whats the first internal component to go bad on a Cologne V-6 that has 260,000 miles on it?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ford_Cologne_V6_engine

If you answered the lower intake manifold gasket, you win an E-Cookie!!!!

I'm just glad it was not a head gasket, which is what I originally thought it was. Getting the pass side head off without disassembling the A/C (Which I just rebuilt last year) would have been a real pain.




Well, OC is doing fine.
She does seem to be a bit behind on speaking clearly, so we are going to take her to the ear doctor and make sure she hears correctly, but other than that she is good.

I think I may have a future world class rock climber on my hands. Turn your back on her for just a second and she will climb right up the cabinets and be standing on the kitchen counter. She has absolutely no fear of heights and will try and climb anything.

This past weekend was Easter, it took her all of about 5 seconds to figure out the Easter egg hunt. It also took her all of about 15 minutes to ruin her Easter dress.




Marriage is doing well also, we are beginning to kick around the idea of another child. We shall see how that pans out.

Our eighth wedding anniversary is coming up, the absolute debauchery of our 5th still haunts me, but not as bad as prier years. (She was with OM on our 5th)

I try not to think about such things.




Nieces are doing ok.
They still have a lot of difficulty with structure or cleanliness and picking up after themselves, but they are doing better.

I had an interesting conversation with there Mother (Idiot) a few weeks ago.

She somehow procured a Desktop computer and wanted to set it up in her youngest daughter's room, and of course hook it up to my router so it would have an internet connection. I took issue with this and told her I did not think a 10yr old girl should have her own computer with internet access in her room.

Blah Blah Blah, FaceBook, Homework, games, Bla Bla.

I said fine, I'll just lock it down with parental controls so I can monitor where she goes and block sites she should not access.

There Mother (Idiot) responded with.
Blah Blah Blah, shes just 10, Bla Bla, she doesn't go to places she shouldn't, Bla Bla, I should have some say so, blah blah.


Now here is where it gets laughable.

I, in a genuine manner, because I had actually had some conversations with other parents who have much more experience in this than I, said "I know several Successful parents who would not allow (This is as far as I got).

There mother (idiot), now yelling.
SO WHAT, NOW I AM NOT A SUCCESSFUL PARENT!!!


It took everything I had not to bust out laughing. I had to turn around and walk out side before I said something I meant, but should not say in front of the children.

After a moment I calmly walked back in, told there Mother (Idiot) that her children would not have there own unmonitored internet connection as long as they lived under my roof, and that it was time for her to leave.

She got her things and grumbled in a half whisper about my ridiculousness rules, and annal retentive demands about keeping the house clean on her way out the door.

Both my wife and oldest niece said they where proud and impressed that I remained calm, and simply dismissed her as the "child" that she was being.

I told my niece that you don't always have to argue, to win an argument. She said "But you know my Mom thinks she won"

I kinda smiled and said "Oh, I know. That's why it's funny"




At any rate, there Mother (Idiot) has gotten her court date pushed back. I don't even know when it is now. I really do wish they would hurry up and either cut her loose, or lock her up. This half limbo having to deal with her is driving me batty.

Wow--your niece is pretty sensible. Good for you for sticking up for yourself, Gack. As a general rule, many women can be oversensitive and misinterpret a simple statement (I'm sure I do it at times too), but the irony is that she actually is not acting like a successful parent...! I really hope that things move along, but be prepared for it to take a looong time. We've been dealing with our court case regarding our OC and OM for almost a year now, and it sometimes seems like it will never end.

Don't go batty just yet. Hang in there! And maybe this weekend you and your wife should do something special together to decompress. Just you two, a fun surprise.

I wouldn't call it ironic, I would call it Gas lighting.

She has failed as a parent, and she must know it at some level.

To parody Jeff Foxworthy
(Helps if you read this in his voice)

If your kids have never finished a school year at the school they started at because you cant keep a job, you may have failed as a parent.

If your kids don't know how to close a cabinet because they where never taught to, you may have failed as a parent.

If your 15yr old daughter has to be taught how to make mac & cheese by her uncle because you never even tried to teach her to cook, you might have failed as a parent.

If your children believe that potato chips can be an entire meal, you may have failed as a parent.

If your 13yr old daughter has no idea how to run a washing machine, you may have failed as a parent.

And

If you have your children taken from you because your charged with 5 felonies and 1 misdemeanor, you may have failed as a parent. (Especially if you did do those things, which she admitted to)




And yea, where gonna try and spend some time together this weekend. All the kids are going to there Grandmothers for the weekend.

Well I have not failed on all fronts as a parent but my 18 year old daughter is NOT interested in learning to cook no matter how hard I try, lol. She will learn the hard way when she is on her own. Both my kids learned laundry at a young age.

What a wonderful example you are for those girls, Gack.

I know how to cook minorly, out of a can or box at 21, but luckily Al (my b/f) is a good cook.

Some of us kids just don't like to cook. (Me, it's mainly the disgusting feel of raw chicken/beef...and other stuff)

Let me add one to that list:

If you at any time have five children, none of whom you have custody of, you may have failed as a parent.

Gack1 for president !

I told fww about the site yesterday.

It's not good!

I thought she would be proud, I was wrong.

OC is apparently not a good term for a child.

Even My nieces have berated me.

WTF?

I thought this crap was over.

So your wife didn't know about MB all this time?

It's not like you're going to refer to your daughter as OC to her face. My H and I never use that term when we're talking to each other. In fact, the only time I use it is when I come here. It's just an abbreviation used for the sake of clarification on an internet forum. Did you explain it like that?

Maybe once she becomes more familiar with MB and what it has to offer she'll warm up to it.

Right...just like we don't refer to our husbands as 'dh' IRL conversations.

Sounds like she was looking for an excuse to be angry.

I never call my daughter OC either--just to clarify the context for forum purposes only.

Perhaps she needs to understand that this forum helps guide us toward enhancing our marriages, learning how to love better, and even gives helpful advice on making good choices. It's a wonderful tool that saves lives. Not meant to degrade.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Your good deed?
Raising OC as your own beloved child.

We use such terms OM, OW, BW, BH, WW, WH, COM, OC ..... simply as a shorthand to distinguish the persons involved from each other.

Your wife cares NOT for the term OC?
Does she have an opinion of the term BH?

(((( hugs ))))

And THANK YOU for being MAN ENOUGH to raise the OC in a warm loving home.

Your child(ren) are blessed to have YOU.

I

This is kinda what I was thinking, I also agree with the other words of folks here regarding the site. I think this site can be very intimidating to someone without some prior knowledge of MB, Dr. Harley's writing, and generally a slow orientation to the concepts. For instance: I had (obviously) been trying to encourage my exww to come here for a long time. Even when the divorce was eminent I suggested she come here for support. She evidently finally logged on one day and then reported to me that she got discouraged because there were "kids" posting -- the best I can figure is she saw a post from someone who had fewer than 20 posts and was listed as a "junior member." Oh well, I tried.

With this particular forum, even though it's not about marriage per se, I think it's essential to understand the concepts prior to coming here. I was a member for a year before I ventured to open up that link - too scared.

The language, acronyms, set-up, and flow of the site are very logical. However they are unlike others I've seen. If you're family are familiar with others, or none at all, I can see why they might have been intimidated.

I would encourage you to go around the site with her for a period of time, pointing out things like # of posts. To me a sign that it's a serious tool - people just don't hang around long enough to post 30 and 40 thousand times unless there is validity.

I also think things like this site, and MB, and lots of other good things are just simply not for everyone. If that's the case for your fww, I only hope she will not discourage you from coming here if it is helpful. It may be something to POJA because you don't want it to become IB.

opt