I am so glad that I found this website. I am in desperate need of advice and guidance. So here is my story:

I found out on May 27th through the devil (Facebook) that my husband was having an affair. I didn�t believe it at first because honestly I knew where he was ever day and night. He works third shift and has Monday/Tuesday off. I work first and have Saturday/Sunday off. Apparently it would happen when he got off of work early in the morning on Saturday/Sunday when he knew I would be sleeping in.

Like I said, I didn�t believe it to begin with. But that morning I was sad and he had asked what was wrong and he knew from the previous night that some random person had messaged me telling me this horrid lie. So we started to fight and he asked why I was so insistent about it. I had told him that all I wanted was for him to look me in the eyes and tell me it wasn�t true. My world shattered when he couldn�t do it and started to say he screwed up. I wanted to run away so bad. He proceeded to tell me it was a onetime deal and that she was indeed pregnant (no confirmation, just by her word of mouth). Of course come to find out a week later it was more than once. I am just so devastated. He has cut off all ties to her (she was a coworker, but has since quit her job). We have gotten rid of the devil and changed our phone numbers. Apart of me is really hoping that she just lied to him to he would leave me for her, but he said that was never an option, even when she knew I knew, she offered to have him stay with her. Which he said he wouldn�t stay with her ever. He wants nothing to do with her or the OC, which is good, because I am not strong enough to raise another woman�s child. I have 2 young kids with him, and I want to truly work things out with him, but I just don�t know if I can get past the OC. The affair is cake walk, but the OC changes the whole dynamic.
Has anyone on here gotten through it and their marriage work? I am looking for support so please don�t tell me to kick him out. I still love him with all my heart, but I want to know how to look past this and try to move on.

Hi Shaydie. Welcome to MB. Sorry about the circumstances that bring you here. I'm a newbie myself, but there are awesome veterans on here that I'm sure will post later. Listen to their advice. They've all been through it before. Read surviving an affair. I'm reading this myself and its very good.

Protect yourself and your COM. File legal separation and CS immediately. She can take a swing at what's left, but you have to file first so you can get more.

My WH had ONS which resulted in OC. It's been hard but we are doing all we can to stand by each other and recover. D-day was last year. Recovery is a very hard road, but you can do it if you follow Dr. Harley's plan.

I know how devastated you feel. Being a newbie myself I still find myself hurting very badly. Just know that your not alone in this. Many women have went through the same unfortunate situation like you and myself. You will get a lot of support here.

I have only a minute or two, but the first thing is NOT to take the word of the OW that she is pregnant. Just leave that on the table for now. If she does indeed turn up pregnant, and it is indeed your H's OC, then you and he will deal with that later.

For now, make sure there is no way she can contact him. She has left the job, so that's good. He should change all his contact information.

All your closest friends and family should know about the affair. You need support and he needs accountability. Until the OC is confirmed as his, do not tell this to anyone. It is only the word of the OW at the moment. For now, he has had an A and you and he want to reconcile and restore your marriage.

Have you read the first thread of this forum? If not, please start reading and don't stop until you are finished.

Does the OW live close by? Is there any chance of running into her doing daily activities?

Your H will have to agree to your non-negotiable Extraordinary Precautions to prevent another A from happening.

You and he will need to start living a transparent and integrated life and begin the work to restore your marriage.

I'll be back, but I have to run.

I'm so sorry for the pain that has brought you to MB. We understand your devastation and will help you as much as you will allow. MB has a PLAN that, if you and your H will follow, can restore your marriage to better than before the A. But, I warn you, the path to recovery is narrow and every step must be followed.

I am so lost, I have done some research about filing for legal seperation, and if we do that, I will lose health insurance (because I get it through his work, my company is too expensive to pay for it on my own).

I have also gotten advice that we should contact her and try to get proof of pregnancy, so we get to a lawyer and try to get all of our personal finances in order so she cant get [censored] from us.

There is just so much going on in my brain. I love my husband with all of my heart and I am willing to work on this, but Im a constant stress ball worrying about money, (money has always been tight with us, and I dont even know if we would qualify for legal aid). Its just so frustrating to be in this situation, and my anxiety is through the roof.

I cant wait until tomorrow when we go back to the MC. It seems to be helping us out alot and we are able to communicate alot better.

Thanks for the advice guys. I truly appreciate it.

I have also gotten advice that we should contact her and try to get proof of pregnancy

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

There are three possibilities here:

1 - She is NOT pregnant.
2 - She is pregnant with WH's child.
3 - She is pregnant with another man's child.

Contacting her will only reinforce the thought in her mind that she has WH on her hook, no matter which of the three is the case. If she is NOT pregnant, then this just dies the death it should. If she IS, then it is her burden to prove it's your WH's and NOT some other man's. Again, you and WH contacting her makes it look like you and he already give her story credence.

Firm and clean up your finances, but do it without any contact with POSOW.

Hi Shady. I agree with NeverGuessed. Do not contact OW. It does give her story credence. When I had my DDay I wanted to contact other woman but I didn't. I didn't want her to think that I was leaving my marriage based on anything she said. I would not let her hold anything over my head. She would think she was "winning" and I believe my marriage would have healed slower from all the constant attacks on it. The choice to stay in my marriage was based on my husband and I. It's not her decision, and I would not give her that satisfaction.

We filed for legal separation and I am still covered under my husbands medical insurance. Get a free consultation from a lawyer in your state. Since a separation is not divorce I believe it's what ever both parties can agree on including medical insurance.

I know the feeling of financial strain. We had to retain 2 lawyers! One for CS case. The other for legal separation. I was a Stay at home mom and had to return to work full time because the CS is so substantial. (This mad my WH very sad because he knew I wanted to be home.) But the way I look at it, you and your husband are a team, and if you work together you can overcome anything.

Get your finances in order for sure. Start putting money away each month for "CS". If you end up never needing it you will have a substantial savings. I would still look into filing CS for your COM. (I wish someone would have told me that sooner). I never knew that you could until I read other people's post. That would have saved our family a lot of money. The OW gets a couple grand a month!! I don't even spend that in bills each month. Ridiculous.

Go to the pregnancy/child forum. Read the threads by LynnG. She explains how to protect your family. It's better to be prepared than not.

Praying for you and your family. I know it's tough.

Another thing I wanted to add is why do OW even file for CS from married men?! The nerve of them. They know that the WH could have visitation rights. Coming from me, as a mother. I would NEVER I mean NEVER put my child through that. Putting them in a place, where they wouldn't feel wanted or loved.
I would rather be broke.

I can't speak for everyone. Some betrayed spouses are excellent parents to OC. But why would OW even take the chance for their child to feel unloved?
Don't get it. They're only thinking about themselves.

Alright I'll get off my soap box now. Lol. Needed to vent that out.

Shaydie, if you want to save your marriage, don't file for separation. That makes no sense.

ITA with NG: Don't contact the OW. You have no reason to believe that her embryo (if, indeed, she IS pregnant) is your husband's. If she's screwing around with a married man, her heels are probably pretty round.

You and your WH need to work on rebuilding your marriage. Keep reading here.

Is it normal to have good days and bad days? My H and I can go for about a week and then my world comes crashing down again. I have massive anxiety issues dealing with this whole situation and then I will or he will pick a fight, and its just about knock down drag out (not in a literal sense). I like to think MC is helping, but it just doesnt seem like it is. Why is it so hard to just let go and not give a crap. Why do I love him so much to stick around and deal with it.

When will my anxiety ever get back under control (Ive had it under control for about 2 yrs without meds)?

When we talk he says that he loves me, but I dont feel all that loved right now. He says he never stopped loving me and that he made a terrible mistake.

So much to deal with. How did you guys get past it and work it out?

Most MCs don't have a clue how to recover a marriage from infidelity so I am not surprised that it isn't helping you.

Have you read How to Survive Infidelity? Please read all of the links on there. You need to put POJA and PORH into place, eliminate LB's and be sure to be meeting each other's ENs.

So if you have read my previous posts, you all know that I am dealing with my H's Affair and the possibility of an OC. We still havent heard anything from the OW (which in my world is a good thing. No news is good news). However, I have tried to put the possible OC out of my mind and work on my marriage.

My questions though, is it normal to want to work it out and then the next day just want to throw in the towel? I dont think I am strong enough to deal with all the emotions this is brought about. I am a hot mess and sometimes I just want to give up.

Any advice on how to get past this so I can move forward and try to make my marriage work would be appreciated.

Thanks

Also, is it normal to get weird feelings like your spouse is keeping things from you?

I have been getting those feels as well. I have total control of his personal life, except at his job. I can help but think that the OW is contacting him at work, and Im sure he wouldnt tell me.

It's very normal to feel this way. We call it a rollercoaster.

Have you emailed Dr. Harley?

Shay, he needs to quit that job if there is any possibility of her contacting him there. You will trigger every day when he goes to work, wondering if 'today is the day' when she contacts him. This should be a requirement of your recovery.

Shay, me and you are on the exact same roller coaster. One second I'm in and just like that a memory or a trigger will just happen and then I'm out. I have been able to just push it aside lately by just saying that things will work out either way, in the end it was our significant other who made their choice and we just care enough to try and make things work but ultimately it's the wayward who will decide for us. I just say let it ride until that feeling in your gut finally says yes or no. If our waywards are serious then they will show us if they are not that will come to light as well. I will say this, life is to short to waste years on something that may or may not be. I haven't put a timeline on things but I will not be walked on to much longer and I suggest you follow the principles as I am but if you don't see an effort being put forth in a given period of time then get out. We can't force them to want us, they have to give that of thier own free will just like they crapped all over our marriages of thier own free will but they can fix it. As for the job, you should tell him he has to quit if it upsets you.

Please read this and especially listen to the clips at the end.

Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

If you think he's keeping something from you, ask him to take a lie detector test.

If he refuses then you can only conclude that he's withholding information.

I would love for him to quit his job, but thats not a possibility. We took a huge pay cut when he got out of the military and now were just barely making ends meet (plus the healthcare is really good).

Today was a perfect example of what I am going through. I was at work and I have been super stressed out all week, and for no apparent reason, I got this mental image of him and the OW doing something intmate that we always do.

Do I think my husband is still talking to her... NO, but Im just inscure enough to get my self questioning it. I cant help but think that I wasnt good enough for him, and even though he wants to work things out and is make huge strides to show me so.

Thanks everyone for your support. Its hard to find people around me for support. There default is to tell me to leave him. I cant and wouldnt do it. I love him to much just to give up.

When I was a FWW he didnt give up on me so I feel like I owe it to us to try and forgive him. Everyone is entitled to a huge mistake (his more severe than mine with the OC). I know I can do this, but its just hard. I also dont deal well with change, and there have and will be some huge changes going on in our lives.

Did you read this and listen to the clips at the end?

The Best way to recover from an Affair is to have EPs implemented.

What EPs have you both implemented?

Well, it has been 5 months since DDay. I thought I was doing great until the other night. I had given my WH a little trust and said that I didnt care if he went to his brothers house after the kids went to bed. My Brother-in-law (mind you is a piece of garbage and doenst really do much with his own kids) calls my husband at 6:30 and wanted him to come over then. I could tell my husband wanted to go, so I shooed him out the door (even though I didnt want him to go, because I get maybe, maybe 10 hours of quality time a week...which isnt enough in my world).

So the kids and I go about our business they go to bed, I go to bed and everything should be right in the world. At about 11:30 I get a text from the WH stating he is going to spend the night at his brothers house (he went over there and got drunk, which I have been after him to quit drinking. I believe he is an alcholic but thats a different discussion). I of course read the text and lose my mind. I feel like he took an inch of my trust and stretched it a mile. The WH doesnt see anything wrong with it, because he was doing the responsible thing by not driving. Needless to say we got into it big time.

At one point I was so angry, I slapped him (I now feel like the biggest piece of garbage in the world). We went to see our therapist and it helped alittle, but now I feel like crap because I have to ask my WH for forgivness but I cant seem to forgive him.

How does one control the AO's? I thought I would be beyound this point and we would see some growth. But every since the fight, it is like we are back at square one.

Any advice?

Shaydie, I am going to respond mostly to bring your situation to the top where the MB vets will notice and post back to you.

It doesn't look to me like you are anywhere near recovery.

Was the previous affair exposed in accordance with MB principles?

I think you are going to need anger management, and he will need to quit drinking before you can even think about recovering your marriage.

Shaydipie, I am sorry you are not in recovery but it does sound like your husband is an alcoholic. Is that true?

What to do with an alcoholic spouse: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

Dealing with infidelity and alcoholism: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_abuse-l.html

Restoring trust after an affair, and the similarities of an affair to alcoholism: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_trust.html

TL;DR version: addictions make people unable to comply with the policy of joint agreement. It's not that they don't want to. They simply are INCAPABLE of following the POJA while they are in the throes of their addiction. They must conquer their addiction, and while a spouse can help, that addiction is not within the non-alcoholic spouse's ability to stop. Until the addict overcomes their addiction, they are a danger to themselves and everyone they love and cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement even if they really, really want to.

So to keep my story short, my husband had an affair, OW got pregnant, wanted my husband to be apart of the childs life. Me being me said no way, and that was the end of any contact with the OW. Now fast forward to the birth of the OC, the husband gets served with child support papers, does the DNA test, it comes back and it is his kid. So that is the condenced version.

Here recently I have re-activated my Facebook account (deactived once I found out about the whole ordeal), and me being me, I search for the woman. What I find is quite shocking. I find her page, and I am quite litterally stareing at my daughter when she was 4 months old. A little piece of my heart just broke. So I tell my husband (who also wanted nothing to do with the OC) that I think we should at least entertain the idea of being in this little girls life.

Are there any success stories out there about making your marriage work with an OC?

We of course told our lawyer that we want to have some rights to the little girl, and she told us to contact the OW to see if we could ambicalbly figure out visitation/custody rights. Of course I dont want my WH to contact the OW so I called her last night and left a message, but I was unsure if that was still her phone number. So I sent her a message on Facebook. I also sent my WH to work with instrustions to make sure that OW gets my phone number so we can discuss options (she use to work there, but left after my WH said he didnt want the kid). She has friends there and one of them contacted her and she said yes, I got the wifes messages, but she hasnt contacted me back yet.

I have figured that if I havent heard from the OW by Monday then we are going to petition the court for rights. Am I a fool for even going through the motions of this?

I think I have gotten my hopes up (because I dont want this little girl to grow up thinking sleeping with married men is acceptable) I also dont want my kids ( I have 2, an 8 yr old and a 5yr old) to find out in 20 years that we kept them from ever knowing thier half sibiling.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated

I have no personal experience with an OC. However, everything I have ever read or learned here on MB indicates that you are doing a very foolish thing. You are putting your marriage in jeopardy, placing temptation in front of your husband, and providing a constant trigger to yourself. No possible good can come out of this.

AM

I see from your older posts that you did nothing to recover your marriage. I think there is a very high likelihood of divorce in the future.

AM

No, but we have endless stories of devastation, resumed affairs and broken marriages when the wayward spouse stays in touch with the OC. The marriage is wrecked because the couple is perpetually reminded of the tragedy of the affair.

Your husband's feelings for the OW will be perpetually triggered so the likelihood of the affair resumption is great. We have one couple who did stay in touch like you are suggesting and her husband got the OW pregnant with a 2nd child.

What you are doing is putting your own children at great risk to accommodate this OC. Your marriage is all they have. That is their greatest source of security and by opening this door you are putting the COM [children of marriage] at great risk.

You also make it much harder for the OW to find a daddy for the little girl. It will be harder for her to find a father for her with your husband hanging around.

You are walking right into perilous waters and will hurt everyone, EVERYONE. No one benefits from your plan.

Your sentiments are ill placed and ill advised. Think of your own children first!

They don't give a crap about that. They do care very much about their family and their parents marriage. You can tell them about their half sibling when they are grown adults and let them make the decision.

I read your post and wonder if you don't just like drama even if its at the expense of your kids. Well, you will get drama all right, when your husband gets the OW pregnant again and dumps you. What will you tell your kids then?

Your threads have been merged. Please stick to just one thread. Sticking to one thread makes it easier for posters to assist you.

I understand; I'm a genealogist and family researchers often have to track down half blood relatives, etc...

However, IF you want to save your marriage you should follow Dr. Harley's methods and he clearly states that there should be no contact between your husband and the OW.
If you continue on your current path, you will destroy your marriage.

You also never answered this question

I agree. There's been no real recovery because you left the first time after posting when we started asking the hard questions.

YOU looking up the OW was a mistake. He's been served with CS papers, so? Consequences. Child support should be the ONLY contact you guys have with this OW, and you don't even have to have direct contact with her to achieve this. CS can be made through payroll deductions or through an agency. Child support does not have anything to do with custody or visitation. He would have to pay it anyway.

I feel bad for this child too but she has nothing to do with you or your marriage. How can your husband be a "daddy" to her? Right now, he's just her father (or sperm donor to put it crassly). Any man is capable of being a father. Give this little girl a chance to have a real dad in her life, preferably not your husband.

You've been warned. If you go for custody or visitation, you've just invited OW back into your life/marriage for the next 18 or so years. Shudder.

shadypie...i'm about 1 year out. D-Day was May 2013, OC will be 1 next week.

We have NC and will never have contact. That was my husbands decision before he even told me about OW/OC. When she told him she was pregnant 5 months along and it could be his or someone elses he told her right then an there he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby or anything else. He had stopped the affair before finding out she was pregnant, and the funny thing is he was calling her for advice on how to make things work with me and get me back. I know that must have killed her knowing that whole time she was pregnant with what might be his kid and he was only concerned on how to get me back. But she always knew she was nothing but a quick lay, she accepted that, but now wanted more from him? that's her problem.

i was so happy that he wanted NC from day 1. I did look up OW/OC on facebook too and although I am starting to see some resemblance of OC to the family. It doesn't bother me. I feel bad for the little girl, but it's her mothers fault to let herself get pregnant by TWO men who both had families at home. Her mother choose to have her knowing she wouldn't have a father in her life either way. If her mother had chosen she didn't want her, she could have dropped her off at the fire station no questions asked. Too bad our H's don't get the same choice and are stuck paying CS.

I read one of your posts about how dare the OW ask for child support. That is something I struggle with also. OW and our H's were never living together and she was never being supported by our H's. OW choose on her on to carry the pregnancy to term, she was the only one that wanted to have a baby. How dare she then cry to my H that she can't do it alone. Why didn't you think about that before screwing around with multiple men with no birth control? it kills me.

Anyways...I agree with everyone else. I think you're making a huge mistake letting OW back in. Especially since it seems you haven't really healed your marriage much.

A consequence of being a BW is having some of her families financial resources drained away to support the OC.

Though to say HOW DARE a OW want financial support from a WH is 100% wrong. The WH was not forced to knock up the OW. The title OC is politically correct way of saying [censored] and the not used much any more out of wedlock titles. Though by any other name the OC is still the child of the WH and that makes the WH financially responsible to the OC.

It is not the general populations responsibility to provide financial support through welfare and other government assistance through taxes when their is a Bio Dad making money.

Understood. Although I come from a school of thought where you do not have a child if you cannot take care of that child. I think a man should only be forced to pay child support if he and the mother were at one point living together. The point of child support is to provide the child with a similar life in both houses (other wise it wouldn't be based off how much you make, there would be a set amount of how much it cost to raise a child). If said child is never in the other household and there was never a standard of living already set, then why should it matter? Our OW claims she still can't get by with the CS she gets and cried in court about how she needed more. We have children too...our children should just get less because she alone decided to have a baby? I make more than her, maybe she needs to get off her [censored] and find a better job then. Yes the WH was not forced to knock up OW...but they are forced to have a child they didn't want. When that's done to women it was determined to be unconstitutional wasn't it?

I realize you haven't updated this post in a while but I implore you to not make the mistake of having contact with OC. It will simply keep your marriage in a constant state of uproar and uncertainty. Having contact with the OW is bad for your marriage, period!