The Bipolar Bear - Marriage Builders® Forums

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Just when you think it's safe to get off the ice floe....Along comes the Bipolar Bear.My cell phone rings around 3 PM yesterday afternoon. It's the Bipolar Bear.BPB: "Kit? Hey, Baby! Are you at Marcia's?"Catnip: "Mm-huh." (Hey, Baby?)BPB: "Can I stop by? I'd like to see you."Catnip: "Uh, yeah, I suppose. Why?"BPB: "I ran down to Red Wing and just got back in town. I thought maybe we should talk."Catnip: "I wanted to talk yesterday and you sat there like a petulant teeanager with a chip on your shoulder closed off to any communication...why are you inspired now?"BPB: "I just don't know what to say when you go off on me."Catnip: "I go off on you. That's priceless. Come on over...this ought to be good."BPB shows up within a half an hour. He's demeanor has changed from Hyde to Jekyl.He walks in exuding warmth and openess, sits down and starts talking about his week. How he hasn't had any time to do anything but work a twelve hour shift, every day for six days, go home, drag himself upstairs to bed and sleep the sleep of the dead until it's time to get up and do it all again. He tells me that his paychecks are in the bank but because the checks are from the corporate office out of state, the bank said not to write any checks on his new account for a week until the checks clear...and that is why he hasn't given me any money. He goes onto to say that he will be here first thing this morning and write me a check for a few hundred to take care of my obligations until I get my school and job situation settled (yes, Lorraine, I am going back to school) He apologized for not being able to help me out until now but his hands were tied.OK. That's fine. These are reasonable reasons. I can understand this. I am capable of comprehending the obvious. But I am not clairvoyant and my crystal ball is in the shop. How the hell am I supposed to know these things unless they are communicated to me?I was seething, but I maintained low tones and my dignity. I am not a screamer, but I sent out chill chards that impaled him as I spoke.Catnip: "It's been three weeks, BPB, that you have known I have needed some asssistance from you. How difficult is it for you to explain this to me? We have spoken several times where I have requested a few bucks only to receive your tar baby impersonation in return."BPB: "Kit, it seems that you expect me to turn over my entire paycheck to you."Catnip: "That's absurd. I only need a little money for gas, groceries and a couple bills...I am not trying to take your checks. I know you have obligations, too. I just expected you to help me when I needed it, like I have helped you when you needed it. I think you are trying to control me by keeping me needy."BPB: "And I felt you were trying to control me by demanding I give you my check."Catnip: "I didn't want your entire check, just money to live...I expected you to reciprocate for all the times I have been there for you, especially these past three years."BPB then laughed at me warmly as if I were adorable and confused (his pyschological way of diffusing the situation when he has been bad) It's kind of a mocking thing he does as if I got it all wrong, that he intended to help me out all along. I stood there unsmiling, with my arms crossed (body language) staring at him not saying a word. When I get this look, my grandson says, "Whatever you do, don't look at her eyes." BPB: "You know I have always taken care of you. What about that diamond bracelet and the house I bought you and all your furniture and clothes through the years? I've always been very generous with you...and I'll take care of you now until you get on your feet."So, he is going to help me out and bring over a check this morning. Aside from that, I am just going to stay here at Marcia's and let him stay at our son's house. He hinted he would like to come here and stay with me here but I changed the subject and he knew better than to pursue it. I'm kind of happy here without him. He's high maintenance and so changable these past three years, and frankly, I am exhausted. But I am also feeling pretty good that suddenly I am holding my ground. I am not sad or depressed today at all and looking forward to getting a job and going back to school. Right now, the future is uncertain but it looks kind of bright and maybe exciting (?) and interesting. I have read all your responses, BTDT, Flowersex, Julia, et al, and so appreciate your wonderful, wonderful advice and commisseration. Your words and my new resolve has lifted the malaise and today is a good day to begin again.Love[ November 05, 2001: Message edited by: catnip ]

Catnip,I am so glad that you sound so much better. Part of me says take the money and run. I swear he was talking to you like you were the OW, just wanting his whole check business, that is a little offensive. I would watch your back. My own H has a little personality change, and I call it Jeckyl and Hyde too. He gets so mad sometimes, and there is no way to get him to calm down, I hate it. It is like he is another person, and can get very nasty. Doesn't care if I am upset or what I am saying. It is one of the only leftovers from his past self that I still can't deal with. I am so glad that your self esteem is sounding better. I know that you love him, take a day at a time. And he sure better beg for a while if he expects anything to happen. good luck with school and work.babstr.

catnip,
You did a great job!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Despite your obvious love for this crazy man, you stood up to his usual nonsense and kept your wits about you. Good for you Honey! It ain't easy playing straightman. We're slow but we aren't stupid. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Hope this makes sense (I'm tired).Fingers crossed for your future, Cat!!
Jenny

OOOOOOOOHHHHHH Cat, I am glad to see you back but wish the circumstances were for better reasons than what I read on your posts.
I hope you're not going to let him get away with the "trash" he has been pulling the last few months.
Don't let him get to you. You are strong and have been a light to all of us. You have some tremendous skills that will get you a job.
Curious? Have you thought about starting over and getting a whole new life out of New York and someplace. I suggest Dallas or Houston but I know Dallas has bad connotations for you. If your are computer literate, there are computer companies in Austin, Houston and Big D.
Primarily, it is your turn. You must now do what YOU need to do for YOU. Apparently, he does not appreciate what he has. I used to tell my husband that he would miss me when I was gone. Once I left, I would not be back.
Don't say your family probably looks down on you. I know my family, the ones that knew, supported me. They wanted me keep it together if we could because of the kids. However, they would not condone his cheating. Then after I had tried to repair the relationship if there was nothing left and I walked away,it was final. If after all I had gone thru, I went back to him after a divorce a year or two later, they would probably tried to commit me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .
Hang in there, remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are a strong woman with lots of attibutes and you will conquer this currnet situation. If you have any doubts just keep coming bac to this locale. We all love and support you.TG

Catnip,Glad to see you back. I wasn't around this weekend but I read your other threads. I just wanted to say you handled yourself well. Sometimes it's hard to take a stand with someone you love when they try to come across nice. When I read your feelings about your H. I could feel the love you have for this man that hurt you. It made me question my feelings for my H. I love him and I think/know I'm in love with him again but I don't think I'll ever get that deep love again. I'm too afraid to open up and be hurt again. So I'm holding back. I admire your strenght, anyone in this situation knows it's an emotional whirlwind that never seems to stop. It slows down but it doesn't stop. Good Luck with everything.Unsure

Hi Catnip,You are bringing me out of retirement.
I am so sorry for all that you have been going through. I am so very glad that you are feeling stronger today. I think of you all of the time and will pray you are given comfort, strength and security, most of all some peace of mind. Oh, how I know how the misery can all be consuming and you think that you've gone mad.Remember, I'm not that far away.Hugs,
Carrie

Dearest Catnip,I too am happy to read the change in your emotions! I was so sad when I read your earlier posts. You have been through SO much these past 3 years, and have been such a rock to so many of us as we came upon this site! I will continue to pray for you and that you continue to be content, and happy with your choices in the future!Much love and happiness!Tigger

Hey Catnip,
You took me out of my hiding place as well. You sound wonderful today and I am so proud of you...going back to school..you are truly amazing. I emailed you and I hope the account still works. With or without the bipolar bear (cute) you are whole..and I know you know that. As always Catnip sending you my prayers and hugs!Love,
Leelee

Dear Catnip,You just go on with your bad self! I am so proud of you! He needs to know that you can handle yourself just fine thank you. And going back to school? What have you decided to do with it? And if you move.....HOUSTON HOUSTON HOUSTON!!!! That would be awesome! Course that is a personal opinion but whatever. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I am so happy to hear you are in a better light today. Ive been prayin for you.
Love
bw

Catnip that is a remarkable story. It does show the bi-polar illness in it's fullest bloom. Your H changes with the wind and it WOULD be tiring and high maintenance!You seem a little better today.I sure hope those happy days connect together for you until the end of time.You sweet woman ,deserve a rest.love
Debi

Hahahaha...you all kill me. You are the funniest bunch of women I've encountered in a long time.Babstr: BPB is hyper-sensitive to any female asking for a farthing since his outrageous garnishments. Remember last year when the O (opportunistic) W (whore) - can I say that? had all but $150 garnished from BPB's salary? we couldn't live on $150 per week and I certainly do not have the earning potential he does (yet-but, then, I am soon going to be cruising those ivy halls) so as a result, I had to rent out my beloved house to a pair of frat boys with a big dog (who pay their rent on time-thank you, God) who had weekend keggers all through the summer (food fight!) have futon mattresses next to candles on saucers on my beautiful hardwood floors where once lovely Oriental rugs laid, a card table where my cherry hutch stood, weeds in the flowerboxes, etc, etc, etc. So renting out my house because of the confiscatory, unjust, evil support laws force me, an innocent party, out of her house in order to keep it from going into foreclosure. Then forced to move out of town in the hope we could earn money under the table to make up for the assault on our finances...but that didn't work well at all. Now we are forced to live apart (which isn't such a bad thing right now) because of this OW and the NY family court. So. If she knew the heartache, the devastation, the nearly complete annihilation, the sadness, the pain, the adversity, the struggle, the financial problems and the losses we have endured, she would crow with joy and satisfaction, she would be dancing her fat [censored] in the streets and smugly snort "That's what you get for going back to your wife...I hope she's miserable."OW gets $1300 per month. A little over $300 per paycheck every week. Luckily BPB is making a lot more money than he did last year but he is doing the work of a thirty year old and he is 52 and it is killing him. But, he looks great and he's buff and feels good, except at night when he is aching all over. He grew a pony tail over the summer (he looks really good with it) and it is long now and reminds me of when we were pups. Peace, man.Anyway, I can kind of see why he feels like a pack of pirahnas are nipping at him, HOWEVER! I am the wife of 23 years...not this slut of three weekends. I should be getting the weekly bootie, not the Big New Yorker. I am the one that he should be taking care of, not the BNY. I am the one who has been there for him, looking out for him, generous with him, walked through the fires with him, not the BNY.Now he gets it. Now he understands how I feel. Now I understand how HE feels. Now we can come to some kind of compromise and understanding of each others' needs. The mood swings are another thing altogether...he's on probation for the next few months before I even think of any kind of commitment. And I wonder if he is just doing this to get back into my good graces and be able to live comfortably with me...how much of this is about me? And how much of this is about his comfort zone? I will not be used. The probation continues. I have to get over the last three months of insanity...I need to have hard evidence this is about me and about him and about us together...not be used for a place to live, a soft bed, a full belly and hot sex...er, well, the hot sex can still happen...if he pays me...did I say that???But, yeah, Babstr, I think the female cashier at the gas station probably gets looked at with hostility when she says, "That will be $32.57, Sir."Jenny: You know how I feel about BPB. It has always been like that and probably always be like that whether we get together, stay together or go our separate ways. Sometimes there is only one kismet in someone's life and we are that to each other. Otherwise, how could he break my heart so easily. A psychologist once told me three years ago when all this happened and I stood there crying telling him that what was happening could not be possible, that it was so good, how could he go to someone else when we were so damn good together in every way? He told me that for a woman my age, I had an adolescent and naive view of my marriage and that the world is a cruel place and people change, even the ones that promised you forever and that for me to believe my husband meant his vows was next to idiocy. Well, perhaps he was right, I don't know. I still believe vows are vows, promises are promises and there is one person you are meant to be with for life...not just until someone gets bored, or has an itch or needs outside validation or whatever...it is until "death do us part"...I meant it then and I still mean it...even though we are divorced. It isn't a real divorce. It is a manufactured one. At least it is to me, and BPB and I agreed that that is all it was, a manuever to protect me from loosing everything to the BNY. We will see, Dear Friend, where this all takes BPB and me...it is very, very early in the negotiations. Oh, BTW, he gave me a nice check and was sweet about it and promised more on Friday. Texas girl: Hahahaha. You suggested I start over in either NY or Dallas....TG! OW lives in NY, so that won't work, trust me. If I leave town I plan on going to Couer d'Alene, Idaho or Washington state or Canada. I run hot and need the cold.You're right though...if any of us left our spouses, they would miss us the rest of their lives. I know BPB would never get over me. But then I would never get over him, either, but I would survive and thrive simply because I have had enough and have already started to move on...just in case this stays nuts. And, you know what? I kind of want to try it on my own. I kind of want the peace and harmony that we had for so many years and if I can only get it by living on my own, then...so be it.I found a townhouse. It was damn darling. Fireplace, little courtyard patio, mature trees, one level, two bedrooms-baths, office, laundry, nice kitchen and big livingroom-dining AND a double garage...all for an amazing price in an excellent neighborhood, leaving money left over from the equity on my house for maybe a better car (?) The townhouse is older and a little dated, but homey and cozy and maintained beautifully. Unfortunately, I won't be able to have that particular one since I can't sell my house until spring, but they come up occasionally, so hopefully one will pop up in that area then.You sound good, TG. Would you be around if I came to Dallas to sue the OW for Personal Injury? We could cluck over coffee.Unsure: Unsure!!! So am I!!! Let's trade monikers for a while, because I am Unsure.I am terrified of getting hurt again, because over this past three years, he has hurt me again, and again, and again and I keep coming back for more like those Bozo blow up punching clowns. But then, until now, I felt obligated to help him through his illness (bipolar and alcohol) as if he had cancer or heart disease. I wouldn't have abandoned him for those illnesses...it seemed evil to abandon him for the others. But, eventually, enough is enough and now I know I have done everything I could possibly do for him and for the marriage. There is absolutely nothing left. The rest is up to him and I have my course charted and if he wants to help me navigate, he will have to prove his sea-worthiness.The fear of being hurt again does hold most back initially. It is wise to tread slowly and carefully. Unfortunately, I am impatient and I want all the goodies back and wonderful as before so I rush in with open abandon willing to give my heart to be sliced and diced hoping my amourous openess compels him to reciprocate. And it does. He loves it and gives back with relish...that's why we are so toxic to each other and get so sucked in. We can't keep our hands off each other, we can't stay away for long and we make each other absolutely miserable when we fight. I suppose it is foolish in some ways to be so open and willing to chance being hurt again, but most the time, I get so much back in return. I am so addicted to the good stuff, I am willing to put myself out there to grab some of it. I don't often get slapped back, it is usually welcomed and appreciated.He's a work in progress as I am sure your husband is as well. The WS's have to struggle with their remorse, regret, guilt and many other terrible side effects of resurrecting their self esteem after the rotten things they have done. They have to face people who know what they have done, and know that the respect ratio has changed and that people look at them differently.I say go for it, Unsure, even if you are 'unsure'. I know I am 'unsure' as well, and apprehensive-with good reason-but, my advice to you is to give it everything you got until you don't 'got' it no more. Then at least you know you did everything humanly possible, fought the good fight and can walk away, if need be, holding you head high and your dignity intact.Carriemom!!! You're still around! Is that good or is that bad? I had your card in my purse all this time and ran across it recently up in Nisswa when packing and changing purses. I set it aside to call you and tell you I was coming back and see if you wanted to get together. Now I can't find it! Let me know how to get ahold of you. I want to talk to you.Tigger: Emotions are so exaggerated these past three years. Everything is so incredibly intense and on the edge. But that's OK...I know I am alive. And you wouldn't believe the blessings that have come from all this. My friends...I have the most incredible friends both here on this forum and my two friends here in town. I bet Abbi is becoming more and more her own person. What is going on with your husband and the military and the war in Afghanistan? Is he safe? Out of the mix? I've been away and haven't had time to read and catch up yet. Regardless, you and your family are in my prayers...Leelee: You can't e-mail me yet, but I can e-mail you!!! So look for me on your list.Yeah, school...can you imagine? Me in those hallowed halls...if Sister Teresa heard I was going to be going to school, any school, she'd be sending out an all points bulletin warning the staff that trouble was coming. Never mind that was 30 years ago...she has a memory like an elephant and holds a grudge.I can be a serious student...I know I can.Leelee...I need four candles lit if you happen to be in church anytime soon. One for the present (job, school, decisions) and the future (home, family, marriage), one for the BPB and his soul and his thought process, one for our group here as a whole and one for me from me for the people who died in the 9-11 tragedies. I'll send you the tithe.BW: I am thinking of taking a criminology course so I can be in corrections. Isn't that weird? Me, an interior decorator, floral designer type having a hankering for law enforcement. I went through the course choices and my eyes kept darting back to things associated with crime.Gem: I am better than I was...but then it couldn't get any worse! I am exhausted, too, so a rest is in order...in fact, it is nap time! Later!

Catnip,I just got back from my weekend getaway and was tickeled to see your posting again.How lovely to read your thoughtful and humorous words. You always have such a knack at putting thing just right. How I've missed you.I'm glad to hear your spirit is good and up. I'm so proud that you are going back to school and taking control of your life.It couldn't make me happier to see you pull yourself out of the mess you've been through in the last three years.Do you know how much we all adore you??Keep us posted on all the great things going on in your life.. and I'll say a prayer for BPB too.Hugs,
Z.

Catnip,Just a quick answer to your questions re: Abbi, Sailorman and such.Abbi is definately her own person! She is about 20 pounds, and full of energy. No teeth yet, but she is now pulling herself up on anything that will support her. When she started crawling, she had it backwards, literally! For about a week, she would crawl backwards, and get totally pi$$ed when her toys were getting further away from her [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Sailorman is, in fact, on deployment at this moment. They left on the 25th, and will be gone aprox. 6 months. I can't say exactly where he is going, but definately keep him in your prayers! He is doing well. We have contact via email, and occasional phone calls in the middle of the night.Like I said before, it is good to read that your spirits are on the up swing again, especially after the earlier posts that tore at my heart!Love,Tigger

If you decide to come to "Great State" let me know and I will do my best to connect. Maybe you me, and BW and anyone else in TX between Austin, Houston and Dallas, could connect.
I for one hate being cold. When we had snow last winter for one day I told my husband we had not moved far enough south. Houston where I originally grew up sees snow once every 20+ years. I like cool warm and warmer. (Family joke is mom isn't allowed to complain about the weather in Texas because I pushed so hard to come "home". I asked for I got it, so now I live with it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . I am not complaining, no siree, I love Texas.TG

TexasGirl...For brew and BBQ??? I'm in!We'll rendevous. In the meantime... Happy Trails.Catnip =^^=

Catnip,

How 'bout good old Sunny Southern California!!I have stopped sulking, crying and being depressed all the time. I have gone out with old friends and am having a great time; i never thought i would actually enjoy life again after dday. I am thinking about divorce, we have been separated almost one month now. I know it isn't what God wants, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life crying. I am at a loss.So anyway, there is plenty of room here in CALI. Think about it, we'll have lots o'fun!! Oh, yea, you are right about how funny people are here. I sware, I laugh everyday reading some of these posts. God is good. Prayers,
Julia

1300 a month?????? That is outrageous! I'm stunned... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Oh well... It appears that God heard your cry and He has sent you some relief. That's wonderful. Way to go, God! He wants us to trust Him with or without a mate. That's the goal of where want to center my faith. Just pretend like the man isn't even there, or the job or whatever could get in the way of my focusing on the Lord and letting Him meet all my needs regardless... So glad that your friend Marcia's computer is up and running! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Great reading your posts/thoughts.Again, welcome back! Your voice is needed! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
1300 a month?????? That is outrageous! I'm stunned... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
<hr></blockquote>You're stunned? BTDT-I'm stunned. I have the vapors every week when I see that huge slice sucked out of his check.Calculating that amount over an 18 years period, our OW is the highest paid prostitute on the planet. She got $70,200 for each screw.Thirteen hundred a month for one kid is excessively more than any one legitimately married person of many years who I know who gets child support from their spouse. (Excuse the fragmented sentence, but I know you get my drift...I am torqued up just thinking and talking about this)Here are some examples of people I know:Friend A married for 16 years has two children. Ex-spouse is an entertainment producer and makes well into the six figures. She gets $1800 for two children.Friend B gets $600 for one, was married for 7 years.Friend C raised daughter alone, never got one dime.Friend D, never married, raised son alone, never got one dime.Friend E, married briefly, raised son alone, never got one dime.Me, married first time for four years, raised son alone, never got one dime.My husband, BPB, had two children by first wife, raised alone with me, we never got one dime.But we pay, pay, pay. There is no justice in this evil corrupt and arbitrary family court system where our finances are systematically extorted from us to pay a whore for a kid that should have been put up for adoption, better yet, never existed in the first place and where the 'father' never had any say in the outcome of the situation, yet obliged to pay more than a third of his salary to a woman he knew for three weekends.Julia...California is one of my most favorite places on the planet. BPB and I have spent many wonderful times in the Monterey-Carmel area, have driven the coast highway to the south and loved every glorious moment there. Thanks for the invite!Catnip =^^=

Catnip,I have always been lurking because I just had to know how everyone was. I still know nothing about our situation, so I really don't feel like I belong here. I have a feeling I will never know, still would like to know if there ever was a pregnancy or not. H and I are doing quite well, in fact we just renewed our vows this last Friday night. We had a wonderful ceremony with our pastor that has been counseling us and our daughters and parents. H really choked up during the vows that were part traditional and part written by us. So that was a very big important step to a more complete healing. I am still my own worse enemy at times, but it is not all just the affair. I am struggling big time with the working mom stress and also the worries of War and my kids. H is finally getting it that it is ok for me to be down once in awhile and that is not always about him. Even when it is about him it doesn't necessarily mean it is about the "situation". Well, that is enough about me. Do you still have the same e-mail address you changed to when you went up North? Probably not since I see that it is nisswa.net. Let me know how I can get in touch with you.Hope you are happy and enjoying this beautiful Minnesota November!Carrie[ November 06, 2001: Message edited by: carriemom ]

Catnip,
I read your post with interest. I don't know you, (being new and all)
but I am glad to see you keep on keeping on...
My ex-H is bi-polar as is my oldest daughter who is 8.
I will be saying special prayers for you.
Hugs,
Twiisty

Catnip....I have been thinking about you for so long. It is so hard to understand why H has changed so much. My heart goes out to you..your posts just don't sound like you. I would like to talk to you...please give me a call. I am laid off..home most of the time
Kathie

Vincent:You'll be hearing from me next week...I am just settling into my new Rhoda apartment. But, I've thought of you several times over the past few weeks and planned to call you (I've got your number) next week. Talk to you then...we can meet up at Starbuck's again.LoveCatnip =^^=
Carriemom!!! You renewed your vows just this last Friday? This is wonderful news...I am so pleased for you and your husband.As far as still not knowing anything, we did talk about you hiring an investigator...I'll be in touch.Love Catnip =^^=
Dear TwiistyI hate to say 'welcome' to our sad little group. but, welcome anyway. You are in the right place. And it is a pleasure to meet you.So you have had experience with the bipolar insanity, huh? I am so deeply sorry your child is bipolar, too. The good news though, Twiisty, is that she has been diagnosed so early that proper medication and counselling can control much of it...and you will know the behavior is something she can't help and it is not intended to be something deliberate.
I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers.Catnip =^^=

I read your breakdown regarding CS and yes! That is exactly what I was thinking?!I have a friend who was recently divorced (as in married to the guy), and she doesn't even get THAT much for her 2 kids! THAT'S EXCESSIVE... Well, keep the faith. Something could happen in the future that will reduce it to a more fair amount. That is ridiculous. I believe God will fix that, just give Him some time... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] He is fair and just.

Catnip,Thanks for the advice. I'm going to do a lot of thinking this next week and decide how to go about putting my all into my marriage. I'm going away without my H or kids for 6 days, I'm leaving tomorrow morning. I was nervous when I made the plans for this trip 6 months ago now I'm not. I plan on enjoying myself and not worrying about anything. I'm leaving this exOW/OC crap here at home. I'm going to have fun and enjoy myself. I'm going away with 3 other married women who all need a break from reality. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I hope everythig works out for you. I think you should go to school to be a Therapist or a Social worker. You have great listening skills. Good luck again.
Unsure

dear catnip,i don't have any advice for you, everyone has already given you good advice. just my prayers and hopes that you will find peace and happiness wherever you go, and whoever you are with. you are a strong woman, i know you can get through anything. love, happy_girl