Hi Everyone!<p>It has been an eternity since I posted. Many changes have happened. Where to begin...? Well, H left the kids and I the day before Thanksgiving. He said that he felt like I would never "fully" forgive him, he said that he could not promise me that he would never cheat on me again and he said that "this is what cops do". The holidays were horrible! Horrible! He outright asked for a divorce, but I fought him on it, begging for us to keep trying to work things out. So, he agreed to a separation...but added that he wanted to "date" while we were separated....as in, date other people. After several weeks of misery, I asked that he leave me completely alone for a week and let me think about what was the right thing for the kids and I. Something happened to me in that week. Something in my brain clicked. I came back from my hibernation and agreed to the divorce. He all but WARNED me that he might cheat on me again. If he did, I had no one to blame but myself. Could I live with that....no. <p>So, I am moving forward. Honestly, I feel more alive...more confident...and more SCARED than I have in 10 years of marraige. <p>H blames me for everything. "If you were more forgiving..." "If you weren't such a b**ch..." I refuse to listen to it. I didn't force him to have the A which resulted in the OC. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Period.<p>Yes, there are days when it is hard. Yes, there are days when I wonder how I could allow myself to live a lie for so long. I am angry with him. I am bitter about spending so much of my time believing in something and putting so much effort into something, without the same commitment in return. <p>I honestly believe that it would have worked out, if he was a different man inside. I can't force him to be faithful...and he was probably more honest when he told me that he couldn't guarantee me that, than he has been in YEARS! <p>Best wishes and love to all of you! I hope you all are doing okay! Hope to hear from you!<p>~Irish

Dear Irish<p>I sighed a huge sigh reading your post. It wasn't relief, just disappointment. We all hate to see a marriage end. Especially when you have children involved.<p>You're a strong, strong woman to be facing foroward and moving on. I am probably living the lie and just can't face it or admit it. I don't know yet. I am still second guessing everything.<p>May God bless you and your kids and bring you peace and harmony and happiness some day soon. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.<p>Love,<p>Catnip =^^=

Hi Irish, <p>I haven't posted in ages, and here I replying for the 2nd time today! Your words have given me some strength and encouragement, and I just wanted you to know that.<p>First of all, I applaud you for what you have had the courage to do. Forgive my frankness, but your H sounds like world-class a**hole who has all but TOLD you he feels no respect for your marriage or your relationship. You and your children deserve better.<p>Love and prayers, <p>anniem

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It's been very hard, but in comparison, I believe continuing to live a lie would be harder. H says it is MY fault that he pays the OW $713/month...b/c if I wasn't such a b**ch, the OW wouldn't have felt the need to be so greedy. <p>My kids are taking all of this very hard. My daughter is mostly lashing out at me, which hurts very bad. My family and friends all say that it is b/c I am the person she is around the most and she is just angry and doesn't know what else to do with the anger. <p>H went out and bought a motorcycle... New home electronics stuff... You'd think his life was WONDERFUL now. Me? All I wanted was a new bedroom set. I gave him the whole bedroom set, except for my dresser. I didn't feel comfortable spending every night in what was "our stuff". I needed to find something that was MINE. The bedroom made the most sense as the place to start. It's amazing how comforting it is to come home and crawl in MY bed.<p>Initially, I felt like I had failed. Maybe I hadn't tried hard enough to make it work. In hindsight, I realize that I did everything I COULD do, outside of further self sacrifice. You can't work on a relationship successfully when you're giving 90% and the other person is giving 10%...or less. It's exhausting, draining.<p>I hope and pray that everything will work out. I'm so terrified of being a poverty stricken single parent that I think I beat myself up if I'm not working night and day to make a life for the kids and I. There are days that I just pray for strength. <p>~Irish

You articulate your thoughts so well. And I feel you are making the best decision at this time. You are very brave to face the unknown -vs- staying in a loveless but comfortable marriage. I applaude your courage and hope if my day comes to make this decision I can face it with hope the way you have. Best wishes for happiness and peace in the future.