Do you personally think NC is really THAT bad?

I don't.

Life is what you make it as an adult. No Dad/Mom for what ever the reason you will live, grow up and can be a happy person. It is NOT a death sentence nor is it an excuse to be a bad person. Will it be hard, sure but that is what was chosen for your life by a higher power. If you were meant to have a Dad in you life, you will have one. Many wonderful people I know grew up with out a father, they don't use it as a mantra to excuse stupid irresposibile behavior.

How do OW know that their OC's are going to grow up and be missing anything in their life? If OW care so much about having a Father to begin with then they wouldn't get knocked up by a MM!!!

My parents didn't teach me jack **** about money, living on budget or anything like it. I admit I was spoiled and never really had to work for the good things in life.
Consequence: I got into serious credit card debit in my early 20's trying to figure out how to live on my own but still thought I should have all the goodies. I got my act together and fixed my problem. I still have trouble sticking to a budget but how LONG can I BLAME my parents for that??

My Dad to this day has NO idea who his Bio Dad is and his Step-Dad was NOT nice to him but he is a good man, sure he has issues but who doesn't. I've wondered about my Bio Grandfather but I don't feel like my life is less because I don't know him. I would just like to know my Genealogy to see if I'm related to Royality <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> or something but nothing more.

Sorry OW but I just don't think that NC is a death sentence for your OC unless YOU make it one! It was/is a choice made by MM/H and you have to live with it, not be happy about it. Would I be happy about H walking out on the kids? Hell NO but they would live and be happy. It would be his loss in not knowing them.

Sorry H nor I feel that we are missing out on anything by not having OC in our family. In fact FOR US its better to not have C, no Drama or Trama for us or the kids. For those with C, thats great and I'm glad you can make it work for you and your family. But it doesn't make you a BETTER person than anyone else (entjr <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I have seen the word PEACE used around here a lot. You get peace when there is NC. Who doesn't want that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Cody-
I think the way your handling things is GREAT!!
Your parents did a good job!!

Personally, I think NC is a beautiful thing!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know this is a big controversy on here that splits us at times. I myself will be attempting C in my marriage. I'm apprehensive as to how much I will be able to handle, but since I don't feel that my OW is a threat to my marriage and that my H is willing to include me in the process, I'm hoping for the best.

As far as NC, I don't think it should be devastating for a child, especially if the OW acts intelligently about it. She could get married to a decent man and have him help raise the child, call him "Daddy" and never want for another. Even if she doesn't, the child's mental well-being depends a lot on how she handles the issue of the bio-father.

I look at it like being adopted. He'll probably be curious, but IF he knows the circumstances he/she may be able to understand why bio-father chose NC.

When my H was 16 his girlfriend had a child and they gave it up for adoption. The child is now 20 years old now and we have met her. She seems to be doing well in a loving family and the fact that her parents gave her up seems reasonable since they were just children themselves. Of course, now that he is an adult he should financially support this child, but as far as trying to help raise it in such a circumstance, isn't necessary or always the best thing. I look at it like that. There are just certain circumstances where "giving up" your child seems the best thing to do, for all concerned to me.

So, I can see both sides. If this were something I/OW or H didn't necessarily want, it would never work out sanely and better to just "let the child go" and hope for the best for them.

Strangely, my daughter has been asking for a baby sister (I'm sure she has no clue) and for someone to sleep in her room with her. Her brothers sleep together in their room. I wish I could just tell her, one's on the way! I had my tubes tied after last child because of "hard" pregnancies and sick babies. My body just couldn't do it again, but I always sort of wanted 4 children and a sister for my dd. I hope and pray for a miracle and that this is what God wants for us all and he helps the process along.

I also think that IF I was in OW shoes I would WANT NC too. Especially while they are young. I would not want to constantly worry about what was happening with my child and what the BW and MM were doing with my OC. I would happily disappear with OC to live the best life I could. But MM/Dad's have rights too and they SHOULD be allowed overnight visits and such.

It's neither good nor bad. I think it's totally a personal decision.

OW in our case makes things very hard sometimes...but those kids are our silver linings for the clouds.

In my utopia, the kids would totally be ours...but that's all it is...a dream. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I grew up knowing I had a dad, but he never really expressed any interest in knowing me. Even though I had a very wonderful step-dad, he couldn't fill the void.

We chose C because we both felt it would be best for my H and OC. XOW makes it very difficult sometimes, but now that things are moving through the courts, we're hoping she won't have as much room to create problems.

Ideally, I would choose NC. During the eight months we didn't have C my H and I were VERY PEACEFUL - no endless phone calls from XOW, no drama, no visitation agreements or disagreements, no extra costs (in addition to CS), no extra running (to daycare, XOW's house, etc.). It was nice. But, my H was sad and depressed about it. So, we decided to try one more time.

I think it's a personal decision, whatever works best for your family. I don't think NC is bad. But, it takes a lot of hard work and patience to choose C.

If we have any more problems with XOW, or if it becomes an issue in our marriage, we will choose NC, keep paying the CS, and hope that OC will come knocking on our door one day to find some answers.

Gwen,

I agree with you. C or NC is such a personal choice. Unless we are walking IN your (general term) shoes and living every moment of YOUR life, we cannot judge you. There is always a lot more going on beneath the surface and there's just no way for anyone to know the whole story unless they lived it. Is life unfair? Sure it is. Life is unpredictable. We can live our lives wallowing in anger and misery, projecting those negative emotions onto our kids OR we can choose to make the best of our lives and move forward. For me, contact can and does work. However, I would never presume to know what is best for someone else just because it was best for me (us). There are too many variables to consider...not to mention that I just don't have that right. Many will call NC selfish. You're dang right it is. BUT, at times, we have every right to be selfish. There comes a time when we HAVE to put ourselves first. We have to make choices that are essential to our mental stability and emotional survival. He do what we must, each and every one of us, to make it through. We (OW) cannot stomach the thought of "giving up" our children, and become outraged at the suggestion. The BS, I'm sure feels the same about their marriage and family life. They will fight to preserve it. Sometimes C is a part of the process, and sometimes it isn't. Everyone's threshold of tolerance is different and unique to them AND THEM ONLY!! We tend to forget that a lot.

OB1

OB1
This is a serious question-

Why do you feel NC selfish?

I'm torn I love the peace of NC. But I believe OC is innocent and that all children should have a father. If H decided he wanted to try C again and we can agree to the terms, I would be willing to try again.

Unsure

PS- After the antics exOW pulled in the past I know some of you think I'm crazy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Before I try to explain, understand, Iâ€™m not saying â€œselfishâ€ in a bad way.

What Iâ€™m trying to say in my post is that doing or acting "selfishly" is, as a standard, viewed as bad. I donâ€™t think it isâ€¦in some instances. Sometimes you HAVE to do what is best for you. If your choice(s) goes against what someone else wants, then youâ€™re viewed as selfish. NC is perceived as selfish because, OMG, youâ€™re putting yourself before a poor innocent child. How dare you! I donâ€™t view it that way. YOU (BS) did not create the situation, so how can you be labeled as selfish for trying to survive it the best you can?

I go with the term selfish, just to keep it simple, because that is what NC is pre-dominantly called on the boards. I just donâ€™t associate the negative connotation that typically comes with that word.

NC all the way.

All the CS in the world wouldn't be worth C.

Wouldn't be worth my child having to go from house to house.

Of course my child has all the dad he needs in my H. Still...I'd like to think if I wasn't M I'd feel the same way, and do everything in my power to raise the baby on my own with no assistance at all from x-om. I'm not in that situation though, so I'll never know for sure what I would've done.

x-om is a SG, so there is no BW to hurt by trying for C, BUT I have a BH who I do not wish to hurt with C. My child doesn't need 2 dads, but more than that, my H deserves peace and protection.

I think far too many people in these situations are forfeiting peace in their lives and the very child they're supposedly looking out for the best interest of--just for some sort of C with the "father". If all involved want C, I know it can work, and I suppose it can even be peaceful. What I've never understood though is why anybody would ever want their child to have C with someone who doesn't want C? Gosh, if I had to 'force' my child on someone, that is someone I don't want around my child.

I'm as conservative as they come and will always subscribe to the belief that the ideal, most healthy family for a child to belong to is a two parent, married, heterosexual couple. Unfortunately, either by choice, poor decision making or plain old life circumstances, that's not available to all children. In those cases, we need to make the best life we can for our children in whatever type of family setting we do have.

It's JMO, but I think a child will thrive much better in a NC situation far better than in a C situation that is fraught with drama--possibly even in a drama free C set-up.

~ad

Gwenie,

I agree--- a personal decision that depends on circumstances . I've done both and okay with both. Either CAN be good.

That said, I knew two OC who terribly wanted to know a little about their bio-dad when they were 18 and 20yo. Neither wanted to upset the man's wife or be part of the family; they just wanted to ask a few questions, like medical or geneology. One girl was terrified she'd accidentally date a half-bro. Like adoption--some REALLY want to know their bio-roots, the other half does NOT care.

Refusing to meet an adult OC in a case like that seems mean to me, but that's still not saying there has to be childhood visitation.

J

Ohbratti, Gwen~

Conversely--I think C is many times selfish as well. We say it's "for the child", but I'm sorry a lot of times what I hear actually being said is, "damnit, you helped create this child, you're going to have C whether it's good for the child, you, your BS, your children, etc etc...."

I know what you mean about NC being selfish. Many, many of the reasons we don't have C I freely admit are for "selfish" reasons, BUT I truly believe for our child it is also for the best.

[ March 02, 2005, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: Autumn Day ]

Autumn,

Good point! I guess you can categorize it as 1) selfish for the wrong reason(s), OR 2) selfish for the right reason(s).

Orrrrrr, 3) Flat out selfish and flat out right all at the same time.

I like you OB1--I happen to think you are the very bestest writer I've ever read on P/C. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Kimmy's a close second. There's Pep too, but she only drops in now and again. Well wait, there's cat too--hope she comes back.

Anyway--wish I could make half the sense you all make.

Ah, heck, let's just go with "perfect". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Bestest writer, huh? Is that kinda like gooder? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I echo the sentiments of those who say that it's totally a case by case thing...

Yes, I absolutely believe that there are far too many circumstances in which the absence of the father harms the child. It's a statistical fact. Conversely, in many other cases (such as mine) the adoptive (or non-bio male role model) father ends up being a WORLDS better parent than the bio dad would have been anyway...

It's always good when it works out for everyone. I want bio dad nowhere near my child or our life, and he wants to stay far away. Great. Everyone gets what they want, and in the long run my child will be FAR the better for it.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

No, it's more like gooderest, (only better...or would that be betterer? betterest? ). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

M&TB~ <blockquote>quote:<hr /> the adoptive (or non-bio male role model) father ends up being a WORLDS better parent than the bio dad would have been anyway <hr /></blockquote>...and when that's the case, there's no reason to refer to him by such a long name...he's simply daddy to the child. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

[ March 02, 2005, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: Autumn Day ]

He IS "Daddy"!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That's so great! You and your son are blessed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have you and your new H done the EN questionaire? It's a wonderful tool, and such an eye opener. It's a fun and intimate time when you compare each others list too! Also, you should read HNHN--if I'd been a guest at your wedding or shower I'd have given it to you as a gift. What I wouldn't give to know all that I know now--then...all those years ago when I was first married.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> NC is perceived as selfish because, OMG, youâ€™re putting yourself before a poor innocent child. How dare you! I donâ€™t view it that way. YOU (BS) did not create the situation, so how can you be labeled as selfish for trying to survive it the best you can? <hr /></blockquote>And for anyone who says that.. AMEN... I would be putting the needs of OC before my 3 INNOCENT
CHILD(ren) because they will freak. (they are all preteens. They are all still tender aged and very impressionable and yes, spoiled like little kids still. they are young, and they are precious to me- their eyes were full of hurt for so long during our separation and crying and etc.... I cannot do this to them now. We cannot. They don't deserve it.

Oc doesnt deserve to NOT have her father, either. However sad it all is, the two scenarios cannot exist right now (oc having H and bc having H). Its like two creditors and one has the preferential claim when H caused our family to file for "bankrutpcy"..... our family is emotioally re-building (like a company does when it re-organizes after a bankruptcy, lol). We are just getting strong and "normal" again and it is not time, period. If it is time, later, I pray God finds a way for it to work out. If not, that is H's burden to bear.

As FBS who has lived free of OW issues for 1.5 years, I assure you that PEACE is the word. Peace is restoring our family day by day! OC is in good hands- OW lives w/her parents still and is young. Has a large family, and MIL knows the family for years and we all know OC is happy, healthy and in good hands !

NC can be a peaceful and intelligent decision that is made to protect ALL the children and the sanity of the childrens' mothers. (ow and bw)

Contact, I agree, is wonderful also! Hats off to the AWESOME ladies here who are making C and their M work !! Really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

[ March 02, 2005, 07:51 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]

I think NC in MY situation is bad. My son is from a former relationship before my husband. He has met his BIO dad twice. I know how it bothered him even though my husband raised him. Who knows whether it's genetics wanting to know or just simple human curiousity.

So I couldn't in good faith have NC. Plus...I love OC and hold her completely blameless. She is a part of our family now.

ent

I don't know if I am in the minority as the OW or not but I can't imagine having C. My daughter is 18 months old and I have NO desire to share her.

That being said...in the beginning it was a hard pill to swallow. Throughout the pregnancy both his wife and him insisted on contact and no other though ever came into my mind..so when the change of heart happened, it was swift and shocking.

I have no doubt that I can raise my child to be healthy and happy, even if I spend the rest of my days alone. I still have good memories of her father to pass along when the time comes. And if she ever wants to find him, that will be up to her.

I am happy with NC but at times it does make me very sad...for my daughter and for her father. She is such a beautiful child, happy, and loving..that it pains me to know he is missing it. I think those are normal feelings though, more from my love of her than anything else.

I don't want anymore drama and I "selfishly" don't want to share.