Marriage Builders
I posted this to lostwithouther a short while back..

I liked this post...
I still pray now more than ever he can become the lighthouse....

I hope some others find comfort from the storm...


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK
Ark,

That was really good--not what I'd normally expect you to post, but very motivating.

I've failed my Plan B miserably by repeatedly answering WH's calls. I don't know how to redeem myself or if it's possible. I don't want my M to fail (okay, it already has--I don't want it to end).

How do I become the lighthouse to an alcoholic WS in Plan B? Is it possible?

LL
Hi ark,

Remember me? I'm Lost Bird's BS. You've been trying to get through to him for...over a month now.

Well, he made noises last week about finally ending contact and sending the n/c letter...no later than Monday or Tuesday of this coming week. Remember, he wanted to call OW first? Everyone was telling him it was WRONG!

Well, he said he understood, finally, and said he wouldn't call. So, instead, far as I can tell, he went and was with her this weekend!

The light is burning dimmer and dimmer in this lighthouse, sad to say. His boat is about to overturn with catastrophic results.

Sad, sad, sad. He really seems to want to come home, but falls prey to this addiction time and time again. And lies, and lies.

Now nearly 2 years since d-day. Can't stand much more of living this way. And he believes, from his behavior, anyway, that I will just continue to be a doormat, waiting for him to come home.

Anyway, I guess this is kinda a threadjack. Wanted to be able to be the beacon, and God knows I have tried and tried. But you run out of power after a while...

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>
Thank you, ARK.

I have actually posted to others to shine the light of their love through the fog, so their WS's could find them again.

Guess I should listen to you, since I can't seem to listen to what I say to others.

Doing what is best in these situations is so much about perspective. Loss vs. gain. Bitterness vs. forgiveness. Letting go vs. receiveing.

All are opposite sides of the same coin. All traits and behavior have a positive and a negative. Intention determines perspective.

Ah, to become clear on intention.

Do I want to save my M and have a better M, or do I want to brow-beat my WH? Do I want to help him feel confident and proud of himself some day to be a better H and father, or do I want him to come cowering back to me, tail between his legs, ashamed and broken?

I want a whole man back in my life. I want an astounding M with my best friend, the father of my children. That is my intention.

Release. Relax. Let go. Patience. Wait. Be still.

SS
ark^^ - A truly lovely post.

Lordslady, have a look at what Dr. Harley says about alcoholism. He takes a very hard line on that, and anything people say here to the contrary is, I suspect, only going to get you in trouble. The ONLY thing you can do is get out of the way of the addiction. Please go to an AlAnon meeting to get help. This isn't something you should have to handle on your own.

And... please, stay completely dark while you're in Plan B. Here's what your WH hears every time you answer a call: "I didn't really mean it when I said I didn't want to have contact with you. I don't respect myself enough to set completely reasonable boundaries. In fact, please feel free to continue to walk all over me and allow your addiction to keep running BOTH our lives."

No matter what you SAY, that's what your actions are telling him, and his entire being will respond to the actions, not the words.
Nicely written.

I liked this....gee...wonder why?

:-)
beautiful post ark!

awed
This is such a great post, I am going to read it 3 times before my appointment today. To remind me of my purpose, my intent.

So, [BUMP] to the first page! For easy access!
Thanks Ark. I needed that. I hope I'm getting better at being that lighthouse. My H is so confused. Have you read any of my threads? I would love your opinion. I have done a lot of editing, so they may not make much sense.

Thanks again. I will re-read that whenever my light begins to fade.
ark...that what an amazing thread!! You are so right about the feelings of the WS. I used to feel like the OM's wife needed to know about the A like my H does. I have to say, and there may be many here that don't agree, but I'm glad that she doesn't. I read the posts here by the BS and it breaks my heart. They did nothing to ask for what has happened to them nor did they have the ability to control it like the WS did. There have been many BS that have somehow found it in their heart to comfort me when I was feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't getting the closure that I thought I deserved from the OM. The remorse that has set in is overwhelming but I know it's necessary. The BS and the FWS here have offered support and compassion that humbles me even more so that my own actions have.

Thanks again for that post. MB has been a forum that I have been able to use to vent my innermost feelings. I have to say that I have not been hit by many 2 x 4's either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> although I know that I have deserved them.

Thanks again Arc
Ark^^

I remember that post. I have tried to be a lighthouse but then a stupid thing happened to me, I got bitter at OM and and invoked my attempt at revenge. Instead of being a better person, I let my emotions get the better of me and it backfired, like any revenge act should... Anyway, I think my light has flickered and burned out. WW and OM are both angry at me. I don't really care about OM, but I messed up big time and WW has threatened DV for the first time in a very long time. I'm almost at the point of signing the papers if she were to send them. I love her but I can't do this much longer. I'm tired of hurting, tired of being the good guy, tired of letting her get me down... Tired...
lost..
I know I have read your posts...
I am going to be honest and say that I believe that for a long time you have been way to focused on him and her...

that you never were able to pick a strict plan and stick to it...

that when you claimed plan B...and she had left to move in with him....you would call and give her the road condition report...and though you meant well you needed to see her interpertation of these acts of kindness....albeit warped...


and when she left you a letter filled with confusion you went dark on her...when in my opinion you should have gone stable knight standing in the corner...

I tell you this not to add to your pain...but because once again I think that if you can get your energy going in the right direction then you may stand a better chance at this...and even if you don't get back together she will see the man you have become....

Again you need to let her have glimpses and insights in to you being the stable strong dad and man...the one who is moving above this chaos..

You gotta try to see things from her side...
when you attack the OM and call him a piece of doo-doo...she has no choice but to turn that reflection back on her....

case and point...
I once called mr ark a jack-a$$...without blinking an eye he told me yeah well you married a jack-a$$...shut me up...all right...

but you see attacking the OM...attacks her and choices and her warped belief...

imagine if you could have been her friend...this last encounter...
wife I also am shocked at what he did...

letting her take the lead...
being there for her...
taking the high road and not speaking ill of the OM but letting her do it whenever she wanted and agreeing somewhat with her...

get it..lost??

well it's been a couple days...and I assume no papers have come your way...

If you want to get to a better place in this mess no matter the outcome...you are going to so to speak have to humble yourself..and crawl inside your wife's head and feel the confused heart beat inside of her...

if you slay the OM as the jerk he is...how can she ever come to grips that she chose such a jerk...

if you villify him...how do you not villify her in those attacks...

are you giving her any outs...or are you backing her into the corner...

lost with..she is in pain...and that is not to deny your pain...she is in pain...and she is ashamed ...and she is alone....

you have a lot to think about
a lot to contemplate and a lot to reflect on...
you also have some decisions to make that are of grave importance...and then you can begin to make a move...

asked, Do you want a divorce? There was a long silence then she asked why. I said I need to know and then she said probably. So, what does that mean? She has some doubts about a divorce or what? I just want to know one way or another whether I should go on like this or not.

you know if I had a two-by-four that could reach that far norht...I'd surely bonk you with it...

that long silence speaks volumes...
well you definitely should not go on like this..cause you "this" does no one any good...

you my friend stand at a point of getting this back on track....
but it is in your hands...

ARK
Ark, That is such a beautiful post.

Now my mind is much clear. I was in pain and absolutely not myself for the past couple months. I did not know whether I was in Plan A or not. Now I am reflecting myself. I didn't do a good Plan A. I focus too much on him, not myself and the children. I think that being a lighthouse, I got to change myself, be confident and change from the bottom of my heart with no fear.

I am printing the lighthouse down and read it everyday.
bumping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

not to be confuses with being a BUMptster...

ARK
Arc, can you be a lighthouse for a WW. I've seen it work on WH, but are WW looking for the same thing.

I just don't know. I've fallen down on my Plan A. Have a hearing today in an hour .... WW petitioned to make me vacate the house.

I'm tired.
I'm in Plan B now Ark, I'm hoping I can be the lighthouse by sticking to my Plan B letter and having no contact until she is ready to re-commit to her M and family. We all miss her so. Can the lighthouse be transformed into that line in the sand that she must cross, that will not falter? I truly hope that beneath the fog and the constant cheers of those around her saying, "do whatever makes you happy" that she will still seek out the lighthouse.

I hope its not too hard to shine when youre dark in Plan B.
Hi ark.....great post. When I did plan a, i was definetly being a lighthouse, but what about Plan B, can you be a lighthouse with having no contact with WH?

thanks in advance, ark
A/C0810
Thanks for the bump and post.

I have not been doing plan A correctly.

The lighthouse makes sense.
The continued inspiration I need to keep that path lit for my husband to find his way home to me!
Ark....I was fortunate enough to find this early in my search for understanding. Ironically, I just read it today while waiting to pick up my DD from school. I carry it (and other's) in my truck in case I feel like I'm losing ground.

Thanks for being there for so many and putting into words the path.....LS
Bump
Beautiful post ark...

Should have read it before I posted tonight, and babbled and felt sorry for myself.

Your post makes me want to hold my head high, and let my light shine.

Makes me want to keep being my WH's "rock" as he once called me. Even though in Plan B, he knows that I'm strong, and stable, and still here for him should he ever want to come home.

Thanks.....K7
Gets even harder when WW de-fogs a bit and subjects your behaviour to scrutiny. Hope I'm up to it. Be a lighthouse. Amen.

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>
bump
Ark, wonderful concept that I have taken to heart. It has been very satisfying even if WW doesn't notice. Because W's family notices, children notice and I notice. It is simply trying to do the right thing regardless of what your lost spouse is doing. Rudyard Kipling's poem "IF" has a line "if you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you are a man my son".

I think you are very accurate in the emptyness of the WS soul. I know my W never misses an opportunity to criticise me and I am easily able to attribute it to her A. But when she does it in front of friends and family I think everyone looks at her suspiciously. My point is that it seems to take a WS a lot more energy to justify their actions when the BS is in Lighthouse Mode.
ark -

Well I read this a long time ago. I tried to be the lighthouse, and WH noticed. But in trying to be a lighthouse for him, I got my life in order.

He is still gone, but the lighthouse is shining for others - my family, friends, neighbors, and folks here at MB.
bump for crazy4her and Chuck_5765

...and heck...for all of us no matter where we are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I reread this for the first time in months and I was so touched.

Standing here now - well into recovery looking back down the poisonous timeline of the past six months I can say thatthis single post encapsulates a BS perfect response to a WS better than anything else I have read.

I have been, and am, a lighthouse in my family's world. Through the storms I have steadfastly marked the safe passage, flashing consistently however storms have battered me. I have been steadfast in my passive guidance, and as others have been tossed on stormy seas of their own making, the safety and refuge of the safe passage lit by the lighthouse must have looked more and more inviting.

At first my kids came in-to harbour and enjoyed the peaceful waters. Then my Squid, tired and scared as she realised the threat of the waves came gently into harbour. And all the time I guided consistently, blinking out my message of reliable refuge, hope and peace.

My loved ones are all safely harboured now, thank God, yet my message has not wavered nor my guiding light stopped. not will it ever.

I pray that the deep, perfect meaning of Ark's post here is made clear to all poor BS as they struggle to make sense of navigating the storm.

And I will always smile knowingly when I see a lighthouse.

Thanks Ark. Perfect. I am a proud lighthouse.
Ark,

This is such an inspired post, you are one perceptive lady! I've noticed quite a few newbies here as of late, so I thought I give this a well deserved bump...It is my prayer that it will inspire and boost the newly betrayeds, in the way that it has for so many before them. Perhaps it may even help clear some of the fog for any waywards that are trying to find their way back home.

I must say that my husband did a near perfect execution of "the lighthouse" in our situation...I'm so glad to be home again, I am so blessed...

Mrs. Wondering
thanks mrs wonderings...

the replies are as inspiring as the post itself..
I enjoy reading them....as well

hope it helps some-bodies.....

ark
this is the single most helpful post ive read so far...at least as far as my sanity is involved. A beautiful bit of writing
bump
ark^^
Thank you so much for reposting the lighthouse. It was wonderful. I'm going to give it a try.
WOW!!!

I havent' bumped this for a loooong time...

slacker....

ARK
bump again....

bump again...
I'm bumping this mostly because I was searching for a post on being very very free in your plan A..

if and when you expect nothing....

I think the whole post was about learning to give perhaps for some in their first time in their lives with NO expectations..

which is really really hard...
BUT the more you can master it in Plan A...the easier your plan A will be..

the less stress you will have in plan a and improve your ability to truly be free in expressing yourself AND in charming your spouse....cause you really don't care about their response...

in plan A you can be
silly
charming
coy
flirty
strong
admirable
all kinds of thing cause you don't really care what they think about you on one sense....


people get so heavy and dramatic and morose in plan A....
that it in the end does the exact opposite of what you want...

you want to get your spouses attention if they expect to come home on friday night and find you nervous and jumpy and staring at them..

GIVE THEM THE EXACT OPPOSITE....

be somewhere in the house trying or doing something new.....
and be happy and upbeat to see them..

and tell them some old memory of the two of you that popped in to your head...(make it a good one and a funny one..)
and then move along with your project...

go out somewhere...invite them..but if they don't want to go GO ANYWAYS....let them sit at home WONDERING

seek joy and peace in the ACT of giving and doing AND not in how they respond or NOT respond...

remove any and expectations..
I can not say that enough...

it is the key to a good plan A...

and always have a date and a plan for plan b..
for this no point in A if you are not willing to go to B

ARK
Ark,

That was beautiful. I'm pringting it out to put on my refridgerator! I hope someday I can have just a taste of the wisdom you drew upon to create such a beautiful metaphor. Thank you Ark.

Peter
early sat am bumb for newbies

ARK
Ark

I don't think I ever posted this.

Squid has told me how she hought my stability, consistency and reasonableness was a trick while she was in her active affair.

How could I behave so clearly when I was so devastated and when my marriage was clearly over ?

When i remained consistently a "lighthouse" after she rejoined our marriage and continued even in non-affair crises, like her mom's long timeof dying, she has grown a whole new level of respect for me.

She told me this.

But also - *I* grew a new level of respect to myself.

if they could feel, lighthouses would be proud and noble IMO.

Thanks ark.
That is truly inspirational, but after Wednesday, the things that were said to me, I've soured; tremendously.

This is the very way I've striven to live for the two and a half years since things were exposed to me. I wish there were some ray of hope from her to keep me on this path. But the continued indifference and verbal abuse and neglect have taken their toll, I believe. Dr B. Harley said she is a truly awful, indignant, self-centered, dumb, hurtful, hateful person. She wasn't always this way. But, her refusal to do anything one way or the other, despite my best efforts, has made me just about lose all hope of her coming out of her fog.
Str8

The lighthouse can only shine, not steer. Some captains steer onto the rocks anyway.... doesn't mean you didn't shine right.

All blessings
[quote]

The lighthouse can only shine, not steer.




Bob - talk about shining - your wisdom always shines bright !!

With respect - carnation
Well, if that is what I am in for, if that is the way I have to look at it, I see my efforts, integrity, and perseverance as wasted energy used to not shine bright enough or in the right direction; failure.

I have failed for too often in the important arenas of my life. I have disappointed too many people. I do not want to be a failure any further. Your words, Bob, are meant to encourage and console, I'm sure. But they actually had the adverse effect. They have made me feel as if "close, but no cigar".

I actually feel as if I weren't good enough, or strong enough to make a difference. AKA failure.
STR8

A lighthouse is created to illuminate a path to safety. If a wayward captain chooses STILL to steer onto the rocks, how has the lighthouse failed ?

Know your limitations.

Shine as brightly as you can, but release yourself from responsibility for steering other people's ships.
I feel like a ping-pong ball. Today went better than most of the best days lately(for whatever that is worth). Today, she was nice, cooperative, and even a little fun. She spoke of us continuing to purchase a house together. Not at all what I expected(More ******). Certainly not all I wanted(the response I've been hoping for), but not what I expected.

Sometimes, I feel like she is not pure evil, but has a power struggle going on inside her that, for now, the demons have the upper hand, and every now and then, one of the angels makes ground, but the demons are still stronger than the angels. It's been soooo long of a fight, and things have been better from time to time since this started. I just wonder why I can't get through to her to be able to help.

I almost wonder if she is psychic in a way, or if what I am thinking(no matter how secret I keep it) shows through that strongly. Whenever I get it in my head to throw in the towel(I still let on as if I want reconciliation steps taken, to try and not tip my hand), it's like she senses it and wears different shoes. Does she know me that well? If so, why does she know me better than I know her? Is she reading me and just reacting in somewhat positive ways when she feels her safety net is being taken away?

I know I probably should make an effort at a good plan b, but the only options I have for that plan are so extreme, and would cause so much animosity and pain, I feel it would fatally wound the chances for me ever seeing my "wife"(thanks LA) again. I'm not sure I want to throw the chances of everything I've worked so hard for away.

I guess the crux of this message is "Argggh!"

Crux. Now that's a $10 word if I ever saw one...
Str8

The only way I could manage when my Squid was that mean was to detach and recognise that it was not my wife making those statements and doing thoe things, but a temporary evil manifestation.

Once I expected NOTHING nice or supportive from her, and I didn't require and expect any satisfaction of my own taker from her , life improved immeasurably.

I "let go" of her. I lost any desperation to keep her in my marriage. She could go if she wanted, and I could quit soaking up the hurt and go to plan B any time I wanted.

That was my power. I strongly believe that willingness to quit the marriage is the best card a BS has to initially motivate a WS out of their fog.

When I gave myself permission to quit, I could go on an extra mile.

In fact afer one particularly wilful and pointed bit of spite from her I turned and asked her " why are you here ? Certainly not to build our marriage, if this behaviour is evidence. Look, I want you, but I no longer need you. If you want to stay and contribute to recovery I will do all i can to make it work, but there is no lock on the door. You can leave any time you want if you don't want to recover. I won't tolerate this disrespect for long. Know that"

I could be wrong but I read desperation to keep your marriage in your posts. That doesn't motivate your W to behave more responsible IMO.

Be a lighthuse, not a captor.
being selfish,and mainly posting 'cause I want to add this to my "favourites list" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

but your post was very timely. I was wondering how on earth anyone can go through 3-6 months doing "plan A" activities, for someone that they know is having sex with someone else on a regular basis.

My wife is "only" talking to this OM for the most part. But it's still incredibly tough to stick to just "being a lighthouse" even in that situation.
(since she chose to separate and protect that relationship, rather than working on our marriage)

The separation you talk about, sounds almost plan-B-like. Kinda an odd thought.
Bob, I have never looked at it that way. That is almost a plan b within plan a. I don't know that I have the courage to put it the way you did, for fear that she may take the open door option(she leaves whenever she wants anyway), and her rebuttal to anything I say to that effect can be so vicious that I do not want to awaken that dragon in her when it is napping.

But, the hardest thing I have to overcome; faking being joyful, not being hurt, not being happy that my 'hollow' remains unfilled.

No matter what I have tried, there is no preoccupation that will ever feed my hunger for those simple needs; honesty, respect, affection, intimate conversation, and yes, sexual fulfillment. Those are my most important emotional needs in order; the one's I will allow no one else to meet but her.

You make great sense to me, and I will somehow try to find the strength to give myself this chance to make a difference.
What would you do if you weren't afraid ?

Read "love must be tough" by James Dobson.
Argh,
Thanks bOb, I was searching around the forum trying to find the name of that book, as my mind cannot hold much of anything these days!

For those of us IN plan B, how do you remain a 'lighthouse'? Without seeing H, how does one shine the light bright enough to see? It's only been a few days, so I'm working on TRULY letting go, and accepting that it is time to move on. This is very difficult, as you may know, after Plan A'ing for so long, and hanging on to hope when bits of my H came through the fog. Now, I'm left with no M to speak of. It's quite a strange place to be. I really see plan B as me moving on; should I still even bother thinking or hoping for recovery? Anyway, any insights would be great.
I never did plan B, TI. I'm uncomfortable advising outside my experience.

I guess making sure that your plan B letter made it clear that you would try to welcome you rspouse back if they came back no string attached is the best you can do.

Maybe a plan B wiz can help with this ?
If I weren't afraid...

I guess that would make me fearless. The only true fear I've ever had was involving what has happened.

I've heard an old saying; "A man without fear is a man without hope..."

I know that might not be in context, but it sounded good to me.

If I weren't afraid, it would put me into a somewhat 'perfect' world that will never happen; one where I know how to react to almost anything, and be able to manipulate my outward expressions to get the desired result.

However, I am not comfortable with dishonesty in any form. Alas, this is where my character and integrity cause me to fail the objective. My Mom told me once I was 'too nice' despite the horrific temper I have(and I have full control over it;Stacy has never seen it, even after 14 years). I've also been told I am honest to a fault.

Are these my weaknesses that hold me back from Stacy making a step toward reconciliation?
Bump for other KimmIE!

- Kimmy
^^
By far one of my most favorite threads...

This and the BE STILL thread...
I can't find ANY of my threads..

not the plan a get grounded here...

the be still one...

curses...

I have no luck with this sites search engine...
on the old sites you punch in the silliest term and come up with a gabillion hits...

this one I type the EXACT title and it comes back not found...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Bob purse toolkit should have come up easily...
but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ugh

ark
I know.

I tried to find the be still one for someone on another board and NEVER found it.

I finally gave up...but if it ever gets bumped again you can bet your chonies I'm bookmarking the thing!

It's the best one for when you're floundering.
Quote
I can't find ANY of my threads..

not the plan a get grounded here...

the be still one...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029805;p=1

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
just bumped the be still thread
Thank you...

Thank you...

Thank you...
Decided to bring this up for all of you.

Something we should all be doing... no matter what our situation.
Thank you Ark and thank you spider slayer. This all helped me tonight. I'm going back over there and give my H a hug and shine some light into the confused overwhelming world that he is in right now.
bumping for Imterrified.....
bump for gg
Ark....Just wanted to say thanks. I printed this off about a month ago and read it daily. It's helped me (and continues to help me) get through some of the rough days.

Thanks again. I only hope "thanks" is enough.
Time for this again...
Quote
I'm bumping this mostly because I was searching for a post on being very very free in your plan A..

if and when you expect nothing....

I think the whole post was about learning to give perhaps for some in their first time in their lives with NO expectations..

which is really really hard...
BUT the more you can master it in Plan A...the easier your plan A will be..

the less stress you will have in plan a and improve your ability to truly be free in expressing yourself AND in charming your spouse....cause you really don't care about their response...

in plan A you can be
silly
charming
coy
flirty
strong
admirable
all kinds of thing cause you don't really care what they think about you on one sense....


people get so heavy and dramatic and morose in plan A....
that it in the end does the exact opposite of what you want...

you want to get your spouses attention if they expect to come home on friday night and find you nervous and jumpy and staring at them..

GIVE THEM THE EXACT OPPOSITE....

be somewhere in the house trying or doing something new.....
and be happy and upbeat to see them..

and tell them some old memory of the two of you that popped in to your head...(make it a good one and a funny one..)
and then move along with your project...

go out somewhere...invite them..but if they don't want to go GO ANYWAYS....let them sit at home WONDERING

seek joy and peace in the ACT of giving and doing AND not in how they respond or NOT respond...

remove any and expectations..
I can not say that enough...

it is the key to a good plan A...

and always have a date and a plan for plan b..
for this no point in A if you are not willing to go to B

ARK


This whole post needs to be brought forward from the midst of this thread!!
bumping for PLAN Aers....
Bumping... Because I can...
Bump
Bump
Here it is not2.

This post was an incredible help to me right after d-day.

Fox
Thanks so much WH....

It helped me so much too. Actually quite a few threads did and they are coming back to me slowly....some I can't believe actually got buried here they are THAT good (the fear thread.....)...

Anyway, wanted it bumped for the newbies....especially the ones who are having a hard time grasping the MB principles...

not2fun
bumping for all the newbies.....and any old timers who forgot....at this time of the year it is sometimes hard to remember what the purpose is.......

not2fun
Another bump for a must read.
bumpity bump bump

not2fun
bumping for VST......

rah rah rah......


not2fun
Is there any way this could be thumbtacked to the top of the page?

I know we have Sunny's welcome to the PG forum thumbtacked.

I use this post of Ark's SO much and refer SO MANY people to it.
*bump*
Yes!

This is one of the thread posts I have cut and pasted and kept for inspiration in a notebook. It is one that brings me a lot of personal peace when read! Thanks for bringing it back to the site and bumping it up!
Bumping some encouraging words for the newbies.....
Bump
I really liked this post. I want to be the lighthouse.

How do you accomplish this if your wayward is not doing his part with the D and failing financially.

What do I do...be silent and be the lighthouse or protect my DD and have XH be responsible to his family.

He fits this writeup but how can I shine the light and not keep LBing because of finances.
I really like that. Thanks for sharing. I have just put a picture of the Cape Hatteras as my desktop wallpaper as a reminder.
I really like this..thanks for bumping up!
Quote
I really like this..thanks for bumping up!


It's a good'n ... itn it hurray
Love the concept of the lighthouse.

But I'm still so torn up by what my WW has done. Sometimes I want to turn the light off and watch her sink.

Sometimes, maybe even most of the time, I feel that the only thing keeping me going is my kids.
BumpIng for newbies.....
Originally Posted by believer
ark -

Well I read this a long time ago. I tried to be the lighthouse, and WH noticed. But in trying to be a lighthouse for him, I got my life in order.

He is still gone, but the lighthouse is shining for others - my family, friends, neighbors, and folks here at MB.

Bumping for the forum newbies.

I really appreciate Believer's reply.

Her lighthouse still shines, no matter what!
^^^^^bumping for Mark^^^^^^^

Read and apply
bumpin...
I was reading different stories and came across this.... BUMP smile
bump
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