Detachment with love - 07/31/05 08:54 PM
Dear all ~
I am copying over one of my posts from 2001. I was in particular need of this post as a reminder to myself today, and I thought maybe some of you could find something helpful in it too.
The original post is: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=008859;p=1
----------------------------------------------------------
Hi everyone! I was reading some material for my Al-Anon program, and I thought it would be very helpful to us over here too. The following is a article on Detachment, and I've gone through it and taken out references to alcoholism, and replaced it with infidelity.
Funny how just changing a few words can make a big difference!!
*****************
[color:"blue"]Detachment with Love[/color]
We cannot "Live and Let Live" if we do not attend to our own responsibilities instead of focusing on the responsibilities of others. To keep the focus on ourselves, we need to learn to "detach with love".
We learn how to cope with the infidelity of those we love and to detach from the behavior, not necessarily the person. Infidelity is a family dysfunction. This means family members are deeply affected, physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially and intellectually, even though they themselves are not unfaithful.
The stress of living with active infidelity can have numerous effects:
Physical - We may develop health problems such as headaches, high blood pressure, stomach aches, ulcers, panic attacks, insomnia, and heart problems.
Emotional - We may feel angry, resentful, lonely, guilty, or depressed.
Social - In relating to others, we may be distant, aloof, embarrassed, withfrawn, aggressive, arrogant, self righteous, judgemental, or controlling.
Intellectual - We may find it difficult to concentrate, make decisions, comprehend what we are hearing and reading.
Spiritual - Our outlook on life may become bitter, despairing, helpless, hopeless, or lacking in trust or faith.
With practice and with support from others we come to understand that detachment from the wayward spouse's problems does not mean that we stop caring about the person.
[color:" purple"]Keys to detaching with love:[/color]
Responsibility - The first key in detaching is to begin taking responsibility for our own behavior. We can no longer stumble through our lives blaming others for the way we feel and holding them accountable for whether we are happy or not. No one can make us feel anything. It is our reactions to the behavior that causes our anger, resentment, pain and disappointment. When we blame others for our own negative reactions, we hand over all our personal power to that person and we loose ourselves.
Acceptance - Acceptance is the next key. We need to look at the reality of what has happened in the past and what is happening now. Many of us stumble in the beginning over the incorrect thought that acceptance means approval. Acceptance does not mean that we feel ok about current or past circumstances, it only means that we stop trying to change what we have no power over. We have no power over the past or the wayward spouse.
Even with acceptance, we need to grieve the losses caused by infidelity in our families and in our lives. Dreams have faded, bubbles have burst. Acceptance gives us two things - acceptance of our feelings and also acceptance of the fact that we cannot change the other person - healing from our loss and disillusion is an inside job.
[color:" purple"]The Three C's[/color]
Detaching with love is easier when we remember the three C's - we did not cause the infidelity in another, we cannot control the infidelity or the wayward spouse, we cannot cure the infidelity or the wayward spouse.
Cause - Infidelity is an addiction. Just as we cannot cause someone to develop diabetes, cancer, or any other disease, we do not have the power to cause anyone else to become addicted. Every addicted person blames others for their addiction and their use - this is their denial and their disease. Accepting that blame becomes our prison.
Control - Despite our best intentions and efforts, controlling other people does not work. Relationships cannot grow and intimacy cannot develop if one person is controlling the other. We only have control over ourselves and how we respond to situations, other people and their behavior. Trying to control other peoples behavior may temporarily make us feel better and give us an illusion of being in control - but in the long run, it does not work.
Cure - Only the wayward spouse can seek help for his/her addiction. No matter what we do, the treatment for the addiction is not ours to hand out.
Words that stand in the way of detaching:
Why??
What if??
Yes, but...
I can't...
I'll try...
Why??
The main reason most of us ask why is because we believe with a little more knowledge and a few more details, we can "control" the situation and or person. Asking "why" only wastes our energy - it rarely changes anything.
What if??
What if's keep us from living in the reality of the moment and also keep us from admitting we are powerless. When we are in the past with the "whys" and the future with the "what ifs" we loose today. Today is the only day we have.
Yes, but...
When we "yes but.." we are not listening to what others have to say. We are being self centered and self absorbed, and in essence saying we are so unique that what has worked for countless others will not work in our situation. Each time we "yes but" we are cooking up excuses inside our heads and our minds are closed.
I can't..
This is our biggest lie to ourselves. The truth is not that we can't, but that we won't. It is where we let fear have control over our lives.
I'll try.
The saying, "to try is to lie" refers to how easily we fall into making excuses. If we say, "I'll try" we lack commitment. "I'll try" allows us to bide our time while looking for an excuse not to do whatever we have said we'll try.
[color:" purple"]H.O.W.[/color]
HOW do we detach?
H - Honesty with ourselves and others.
O - Openness to hearing new ideas and breaking old ways of thinking and behaving.
W - Willingness to take risks and try something different.
Detaching with love does not mean that we stop caring. It simply means that we quit trying to control someone else and their behavior. We stop creating comfortable environments for unacceptable behavior. We stop lying to ourselves, we accept the reality of who the person is instead of focusing on who they "could" be.
I am copying over one of my posts from 2001. I was in particular need of this post as a reminder to myself today, and I thought maybe some of you could find something helpful in it too.
The original post is: http:/
----------------------------------------------------------
Hi everyone! I was reading some material for my Al-Anon program, and I thought it would be very helpful to us over here too. The following is a article on Detachment, and I've gone through it and taken out references to alcoholism, and replaced it with infidelity.
Funny how just changing a few words can make a big difference!!
*****************
[color:"blue"]Detachment with Love[/color]
We cannot "Live and Let Live" if we do not attend to our own responsibilities instead of focusing on the responsibilities of others. To keep the focus on ourselves, we need to learn to "detach with love".
We learn how to cope with the infidelity of those we love and to detach from the behavior, not necessarily the person. Infidelity is a family dysfunction. This means family members are deeply affected, physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially and intellectually, even though they themselves are not unfaithful.
The stress of living with active infidelity can have numerous effects:
Physical - We may develop health problems such as headaches, high blood pressure, stomach aches, ulcers, panic attacks, insomnia, and heart problems.
Emotional - We may feel angry, resentful, lonely, guilty, or depressed.
Social - In relating to others, we may be distant, aloof, embarrassed, withfrawn, aggressive, arrogant, self righteous, judgemental, or controlling.
Intellectual - We may find it difficult to concentrate, make decisions, comprehend what we are hearing and reading.
Spiritual - Our outlook on life may become bitter, despairing, helpless, hopeless, or lacking in trust or faith.
With practice and with support from others we come to understand that detachment from the wayward spouse's problems does not mean that we stop caring about the person.
[color:" purple"]Keys to detaching with love:[/color]
Responsibility - The first key in detaching is to begin taking responsibility for our own behavior. We can no longer stumble through our lives blaming others for the way we feel and holding them accountable for whether we are happy or not. No one can make us feel anything. It is our reactions to the behavior that causes our anger, resentment, pain and disappointment. When we blame others for our own negative reactions, we hand over all our personal power to that person and we loose ourselves.
Acceptance - Acceptance is the next key. We need to look at the reality of what has happened in the past and what is happening now. Many of us stumble in the beginning over the incorrect thought that acceptance means approval. Acceptance does not mean that we feel ok about current or past circumstances, it only means that we stop trying to change what we have no power over. We have no power over the past or the wayward spouse.
Even with acceptance, we need to grieve the losses caused by infidelity in our families and in our lives. Dreams have faded, bubbles have burst. Acceptance gives us two things - acceptance of our feelings and also acceptance of the fact that we cannot change the other person - healing from our loss and disillusion is an inside job.
[color:" purple"]The Three C's[/color]
Detaching with love is easier when we remember the three C's - we did not cause the infidelity in another, we cannot control the infidelity or the wayward spouse, we cannot cure the infidelity or the wayward spouse.
Cause - Infidelity is an addiction. Just as we cannot cause someone to develop diabetes, cancer, or any other disease, we do not have the power to cause anyone else to become addicted. Every addicted person blames others for their addiction and their use - this is their denial and their disease. Accepting that blame becomes our prison.
Control - Despite our best intentions and efforts, controlling other people does not work. Relationships cannot grow and intimacy cannot develop if one person is controlling the other. We only have control over ourselves and how we respond to situations, other people and their behavior. Trying to control other peoples behavior may temporarily make us feel better and give us an illusion of being in control - but in the long run, it does not work.
Cure - Only the wayward spouse can seek help for his/her addiction. No matter what we do, the treatment for the addiction is not ours to hand out.
Words that stand in the way of detaching:
Why??
What if??
Yes, but...
I can't...
I'll try...
Why??
The main reason most of us ask why is because we believe with a little more knowledge and a few more details, we can "control" the situation and or person. Asking "why" only wastes our energy - it rarely changes anything.
What if??
What if's keep us from living in the reality of the moment and also keep us from admitting we are powerless. When we are in the past with the "whys" and the future with the "what ifs" we loose today. Today is the only day we have.
Yes, but...
When we "yes but.." we are not listening to what others have to say. We are being self centered and self absorbed, and in essence saying we are so unique that what has worked for countless others will not work in our situation. Each time we "yes but" we are cooking up excuses inside our heads and our minds are closed.
I can't..
This is our biggest lie to ourselves. The truth is not that we can't, but that we won't. It is where we let fear have control over our lives.
I'll try.
The saying, "to try is to lie" refers to how easily we fall into making excuses. If we say, "I'll try" we lack commitment. "I'll try" allows us to bide our time while looking for an excuse not to do whatever we have said we'll try.
[color:" purple"]H.O.W.[/color]
HOW do we detach?
H - Honesty with ourselves and others.
O - Openness to hearing new ideas and breaking old ways of thinking and behaving.
W - Willingness to take risks and try something different.
Detaching with love does not mean that we stop caring. It simply means that we quit trying to control someone else and their behavior. We stop creating comfortable environments for unacceptable behavior. We stop lying to ourselves, we accept the reality of who the person is instead of focusing on who they "could" be.