Marriage Builders
Posted By: star*fish Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 07:21 PM
It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 07:23 PM
ditto
Quote
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
I can testify to that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Good post starfishy
Posted By: SomedayMe Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 07:29 PM
"Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere."

Wow, took the words/feelings out of my mouth!
Posted By: star*fish Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 08:02 PM
Infidelity is just plain scary, but it is an opportunity to find your own strength and your own compass. Don't give away your power. The WS should NOT be calling the shots....it is a time where unless you are fearful....you have great power and leverage to come out with a marriage that is flawed....but stronger and less vulnerable in the future.
Posted By: Chaka Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 08:20 PM
What an EXCELLENT post and reminder. Thank you!!! It's already printed and I will reread a few times to make it sink in.
Posted By: LLG Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 08:21 PM
Sta*rfish, thank you for this excellent poost. I am sooooo
grateful for this site that helps BS's understand the fear and everything that is going on. I am grateful for LovingAnyway who even helped to point out my control issues.
The great need for me to control was because I feared so many things.

It feels good to not feel that I don't have to live my life in fear. To feel that I don't have to just accept what WS was dishing out but that I could do soemthing about it. Something constructive with myself and hopefully with my M.
Posted By: star*fish Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 08:30 PM
Chaka, LLG....be strong and know that you can find strength and support here. This place reinforced my courage and helped me recover my marriage many years ago.

Yes LLG....LA is a peach....and she's right that "control" is based in fear. Allow yourself to let go of the outcome and be who YOU are.

This is where you recharge your batteries and fight fear...ZZZZZZZZZZZTTT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 08:47 PM
Angelfish...I mean Starfish...

I last posted to you in November...I got sacked that day and never got to "talk" to you. Want to let you know I am SOOOOO OKAY now. Everything is wondermous.

Thank you for being there...

Kimmy
You're so wise, starfish. Excellent post!
Posted By: LLG Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 09:01 PM
Could your post be left at the top of this board? I think so many die a million times and think that their M will too before the battle even begins. I think this post would help encourage, motivate, stir up BSs not to give up.
Posted By: LLG Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 09:04 PM
Also St*rfish, you can't see the word "crippling' in your post once you sign in. And thanks for the encouragement in your post to me above. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: star*fish Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 09:08 PM
Dealan!! Oh chere....so glad to hear you're okay!
LLG....there are just too many good posts to keep them all at the top....but most of the time....stuff gets bumped when folks need it. I'll edit the "crippling"....the color seems to be causing problems.
Posted By: MAMAFISH Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 09:25 PM
Starfish,

Thanks for this post. I really needed to get this message and have printed it out to keep close to me. Fear of Loss has been forefront in my mind for a while. Fear of change, the unknown, being alone and everything else that you have mentioned above...

Thanks for giving me the courage to stand up for MYSELF!
Posted By: sturgis05 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 09:53 PM
great info!!...i am a affair/divorce survivor....i had to learn to overcome the fear of being alone after a 15+ yr marriage...

i like to say that just because "we" are victimized...there comes a point when we have to stop being the VICTIM!!!

fear and courage are very similiar emotions...but with courage you can "act" under fear! (sombody famous said that..i just dont know who!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Loni Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/29/06 10:27 PM
Star,

You are one in a million and I am so glad you posted. I let go just yesterday. I gave it ALL to God and let go. What an amazing feeling, the peace that comes with letting go of the fear.

another famous person (?) said that courage is not about being unafraid but doing what you must in the face of that fear. Us BSs are forced to make that choice.

God is good and share all that fear with him. He understands and He is with us always.

Loni
Posted By: star*fish Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/30/06 04:43 AM
bumping for lost willow
Posted By: smur Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/30/06 05:21 AM
just wanted to say...I like you posts Star*fish..I think they are really smart <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think all the MB principles, Plan A, Plan B, POJA, meeting ENs, are all about holding onto yourself and fostering integrity and self-esteem.

These qualities are exactly those that are the most badly needed to combat fear or anger-based thinking and actions.

Its the terrible irony that the trauma of an A can cause us to almost lose ourselves...exactly at the moment when we most need to hang onto our values and self-respect.
Posted By: LetSTry Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/30/06 06:37 AM
Quote
The WS should NOT be calling the shots....it is a time where unless you are fearful....you have great power and leverage to come out with a marriage that is flawed....but stronger and less vulnerable in the future.

Great post! Others have already said this, but I think we have to have the courage to "feel the fear and do it anyway" when not being fearful is impossible.

I was crippled by my fear and it's taken years of just putting one foot in front of the other to walk through it. Now, looking back, it's hard to see why I was as afraid as I was. I guess I'm stronger now!
Posted By: lostwillow Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/30/06 07:26 AM
Thank you Star*fish

The fear post I read was about the feeling of fear, in general.

Your post I guess is even better to my situation. GREAT post.


Thanks

lost_willow
Posted By: Orchid Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/30/06 10:09 AM
I can walk again!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Now I do kick Ws' butts. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Starfish, this is a great post.

Luv it.

Thanks,
L.
Posted By: LLG Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 04/12/06 12:36 PM
1
Posted By: LLG Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 04/12/06 12:41 PM
I have some things I need to discuss with my WS. Everytime I've tried to be O & H about this issue (is financial), he becomes upset, angry and discouraging about our being together. I feel I've been doing things in fear to keep him from being angry. I've become upset with this along with the fact that he is refusing transparenecy and I'm ready to now face him with these issues again. But it makes me a little nervous doing so. What if you fear that your S will leave? What if your fear dv?
Posted By: LLG Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 04/12/06 01:02 PM
bumping
Posted By: LLG Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 04/12/06 02:49 PM
Give a little Share a litte.
Posted By: LLG Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 04/12/06 02:55 PM
I have some things I need to discuss with my WS. Everytime I've tried to be O & H about this issue (is financial), he becomes upset, angry and discouraging about our being together. I feel I've been doing things in fear to keep him from being angry. I've become upset with this along with the fact that he is refusing transparenecy and I'm ready to now face him with these issues again. But it makes me a little nervous doing so. What if you fear that your S will leave? What if your fear dv?
Posted By: worthatry Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 04/12/06 03:03 PM
Quote
What if you fear that your S will leave?


Accept that you cannot prevent him from leaving and if he chooses to do so, that's his choice. (You cannot control anyone other than yourself.) Just make it clear that's not your desired outcome.

Don't be paralyzed by your fear. When you allow this, you relinguish control over your life. Life's turns will not always be to our liking. Even then, frequently short term setbacks allow longer term gains.

JMHO

WAT
Posted By: carnation2 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 04/12/06 05:59 PM
Excellent post -- thanks so much Starfish !!

Of course we all know that hate is not the opposite of love. Most people seem to think that indifference is the opposite. But... I have also heard that

fear is the opposite of love.

Any thoughts on this one ??


carnation
Fear blocks love...fear is closed and love is open. Fear seeks to live carefully, perfectly...love lives to live.

I believe fear is not the opposite of love...I believe true love is feeling fear and loving anyway.

And many believe anger is the opposite of love, and it is important to know that most people are still people...believig what they are believing...

Bumping because it is vital to Plan A.

LA
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 05/01/06 03:25 PM
back up for the wife married to the alcoholic
Dear star*fish
I loved this.
I have felt fear of all the things you mentioned, but I've been fighting it. It is really fantastic to read, and put so well by you, so that the fears are clear and logical. Not scary and hiding in the shadows.
There is one fear I can't overcome though.
The fear that I will never be able to love my WS again.
I feel so empty and dead. My reactions and emotions are all used up. The only thing that stimulates me is s*x. (Sorry if this is too graphic.) But I think that is all about reassuarance issues for me.
I'm trying to be loving anyway (not trying to steal anyone's moniker) will the feelings ever come back?
Does/did snyone else feel these things?
kate xxx (from sunny London - today)
Is it because I'm in limbo wiating for OW to leave?
Posted By: Qbert Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 05/05/06 04:58 AM
Star*Fish,

Thank you for this inspirational post! It's amazing when you think you are alone and need a lift, that the right person, the right sign or in this case the right message finds you and hits home. Tonight you will give me a peaceful nights rest and hope for tomorrow!

God Bless,

Qbert
Posted By: beauty Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 05/05/06 06:06 AM
Star*fish,

I was blown away by your insight. Thank you for your wonderful post. I even forwarded it to a fellow MBer to read in hopes that it will bring him some insight as well.

SO TRUE..............
Posted By: star*fish Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 05/05/06 12:46 PM
bay_window I remember that fear....the one where I could never love my WS again. I will say this...perhaps it is different for others, but what was true for me was that I did not love him the same way and probably never will. But you know what? I'm happy about that. I didn't love him in a healthy way I think. My life revolved around him and I needed him as much as I wanted him. Affairs change marriages....some of the changes are terrible....but if you remain true to yourself....the changes can be very positive too. It is not anything I would wish on anyone as far as a learning tool....however, as a result....my marriage is more open and honest. There is a mutuality and respect that was not there before. It reminds me of moving through adolescence to adulthood. You lose your innocence....but if you survive....you gain wisdom and maturity....and even power. I am more powerful now than I have ever been. Don't give up on love yet....you may be surprised when it returns. One day, I simply woke up and realized....wow, I'm happy again....and that was a really good day.

Qbert You are welcome....and definitely not alone. hugs...sleep well.

beauty hugs!
Posted By: apl Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 05/09/06 04:30 AM
Fabulous post, thank you star. I am psyching myself up to walk through the fire.

Bay, iiyii, this sounds familiar, without the SF part-I still haven't cleared that hurdle. I found that by just allowing him to be around me and the kids with his newfound attitude and enlightenment(which he so keenly displayed through increased interaction with the kids and help with the housework) was enough for me to begin to see a new side of him.

I can't say I'm in love with him, but I'm not spitting in his face either. Hey don't laugh, this is a definite improvement! A few months ago I would have rather spent the afternoon getting a root canal, without the drugs, than having lunch with him.

So, yes feelings do change. Can we bring love back into the relationship again? I don't know, but I know I won't be ever be content again if I don't at least try.

I wish you luck and courage.
Posted By: AmIok Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 12/14/06 09:58 PM
Bump.
I think AmI's working on her Pro card too!

great bump! Thanks, I enjoyed that one!
Posted By: Ali222 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 12/14/06 10:14 PM
Awesome Post Starfish, I really needed to read that. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!! I think you just made me realize I am fearful of everything... Need to let go of that.

Thank YOU!!!
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 12/24/06 02:52 PM
bump for the current crop of hurting betrayed spouses
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 01/01/07 06:25 PM
Happy BRAVE New Year
I FEAR I will not know when to move on, when to stop this fight, and in that I FEAR that 'I' will end it too soon...
I FEAR the end of my FAMILY...
Posted By: jrobin Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 01/01/07 07:37 PM
I agree with Silent
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/04/07 03:23 PM
bump
Posted By: Jayban Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/04/07 04:58 PM
Another great post - absolutely inspiring. I'm grateful for this post as I fear most of the things listed right now. I confronted and exposed YESTERDAY, and I have been in fear ever since. I felt good knowing the truth, and when the assualt began after confrontation the fear returned.

I think it's a natural reaction for everyone to have fear, this should indeed be one of the stickies here. Every BS needs to read this. Often.

A great part two would be tools, tips and support for those letting go of the fear. It should be numbered in the Plan A checklist: LET GO OF YOUR FEAR. It does not HELP you to hold onto that fear.

You can never show the strength and confidence of a man or woman that you need to during this time unless you do exactly that: Let go of the fear. I'm talking myself into that right now. It's hard, this time in our lives is like grieving the loss of someone, it's very similiar to grieving a death.

Great job Starfish!
Posted By: Stellakat Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/04/07 05:41 PM
Bump! This is so true!!!!! You dont have to be the victim!
starfish!
great post....I think the biggest problem I have with fear is that it stops me in my tracks...prevents me from doing what I need to do to survive...

this whole process is teaching me to make the neccessary changes in my life despite the fear...and guess what?...I am still alive...still here...still up to my eyeballs in crap...but hey that fear didn't get me....and sometimes I even feel something that I haven't felt in a while...independence....self reliance...strength....those are pretty nice side effects. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Jayban Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/05/07 02:05 PM
*bump*
Posted By: Jayban Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/10/07 10:25 PM
Bump away!
Posted By: cc1 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/23/07 01:26 PM
Bump for Sis.
Posted By: star*fish Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 01/10/08 07:29 PM
*bump*
I have so much fear. The fear is overwhelming at times. This brings on the panic/anxiety attacks. It's not fun. The fear of no knowing is the worst.

Good post.
Posted By: Tabby1 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 01/10/08 08:02 PM
Thanks for bumping this. It predates my introduction to MB but it speaks volumes to me.
Posted By: star*fish Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 01/10/08 08:13 PM
I dug it up to add add to a post about "trust"...because it's so inter-related with fear. But I thought some of you younguns might get a little something from it too. Infidelity is one of the scariest things that's every happened to me....and that fear can often sabotage recovery. It helps a little to know you aren't alone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: mvg Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 01/11/08 12:00 PM
Star*fish THANK YOU. You explained it beautifully! FEAR

I FEAR I will not know when to move on, when to stop this fight, and in that I FEAR that 'I' will end it too soon...
I FEAR the end of my FAMILY...


This is where I am today and it's crippling.
Bumping for not2fun.

smile
Posted By: not2fun Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 09/21/08 01:21 AM
Wow....this puppy hasn't been bumped since Jan....it definately needed this...

If you are new here, well this one is for you....

not2fun
Posted By: Krazy71 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 09/23/08 02:21 PM
I had a ton of fear for a very long time after d-day.

One highly effective way to deal with it is to get myself to a place (mentally) where I don't care very much.

I felt like I was being extorted into being a "good little BS", lest the affair begin again.

I've had enough of that. I contributed to the problems in our marriage, but the cheating was nothing more than a moronic way of acting out, like a spoiled brat.

I will be as angry as I want to be. I will be as imperfect as I feel like being. If that drives her to cheat, so be it.

Have fun living on government assistance.
Starfish - what a wonderful post! Thank you so much for this. This pre-dates my joining MB as well but I'm so glad it got bumped to the top. It SO speaks to all the fears I've been having.



Originally Posted by Krazy71
I contributed to the problems in our marriage, but the cheating was nothing more than a moronic way of acting out, like a spoiled brat.

laugh I liked this as well.
Posted By: Dude007 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 09/23/08 03:21 PM
TAKE BACK CONTROL FROM THE WAYWARD!! You must or you will regret it FOREVER! I was fearful, but I concentrated on slamming her back as much as I could before filing for D. I was completely blindsided and feared the worst. You WILL gain your/their respect. She thought I was a wimp and would just let the A go rather than breaking up the family.(WRONG!) That I wouldn't tell anyone.(WRONG!) See below from an earlier post. Chalk one up for the Betrayed!

1)Take fWW on trips, make her see/remember the Romeo she risked losing.
2)Revenge Affair(Yes, I WROTE THIS ONE OUT!) lasting one month(had sex in our bed, left the condom wrapper on the nightstand, made fWW wash the sheets)
3)Moved out to own apt(DUMPED HER!)
4)Looked at it financially and my income jumps w/ a D due to stay at home WS.
5)Filed for D three weeks ago
6)Tell WS relatives the sorted details.(Ruins Holidays for them)
7)Lessons Learned-Me(No one deserves too much trust)-fWW(Be careful who you cheat on, you might awaken a sleeping tiger and
get it handed right back to you!)

8)Priceless - Its been five months and I think about it less and less. I already have a girlfriend and refuse to let her mistake Fup my life.

NO FEAR!! NO REGRETS!! You can and will overcome anything...DUDE
Originally Posted by Dude007
TAKE BACK CONTROL FROM THE WAYWARD!! You must or you will regret it FOREVER! I was fearful, but I concentrated on slamming her back as much as I could before filing for D. I was completely blindsided and feared the worst. You WILL gain your/their respect. She thought I was a wimp and would just let the A go rather than breaking up the family.(WRONG!) That I wouldn't tell anyone.(WRONG!) See below from an earlier post. Chalk one up for the Betrayed!

1)Take fWW on trips, make her see/remember the Romeo she risked losing.
2)Revenge Affair(Yes, I WROTE THIS ONE OUT!) lasting one month(had sex in our bed, left the condom wrapper on the nightstand, made fWW wash the sheets)
3)Moved out to own apt(DUMPED HER!)
4)Looked at it financially and my income jumps w/ a D due to stay at home WS.
5)Filed for D three weeks ago
6)Tell WS relatives the sorted details.(Ruins Holidays for them)
7)Lessons Learned-Me(No one deserves too much trust)-fWW(Be careful who you cheat on, you might awaken a sleeping tiger and
get it handed right back to you!)

8)Priceless - Its been five months and I think about it less and less. I already have a girlfriend and refuse to let her mistake Fup my life.

NO FEAR!! NO REGRETS!! You can and will overcome anything...DUDE

So you chose to REACT instead of ACTING Dude...I am sorry for you...In time you will come to learn that your reactions were not healthy for YOU...It will be a very sad day when you finally understand this...

As a FWS myself, I can tell you that what you've done has eternally seared your soul...It is NOT something to be proud of...not at all...

I wish you peace...

Mrs. W

Dude,

I think of what you wrote and think of your children. You are married and as of 7/1/08, you said you wouldn't do what your remorseful WW did.

Yet you sent her away for six weeks after DDay, and began thinking of the revenge A immediately.

I can't imagine what it will be like for you in ten years, when your children are getting married, and then having affairs, and you look them in the eyes and they say, "Hey, it's what you did."

Two years was too long you said for you to recover...two months was too much, you said...and in ten, it will look like a drop in the bucket. I don't know how many women you'll have brought through your children's lives by then.

I don't see you changing...just replacing partners. So you're safe from loving another as deeply as you loved your wife, pre-A.

I wonder if you have a son or a daughter who will end up brawling when some stranger idjit calls them a name because they take it about them, their honor, their self-respect...built on others (not real)...I'm so sorry you came here claiming you would never do...and you promptly did, knowing the pain...believing you made her change your sheets...believing you'll be better off financially...and your children torn apart. With two wayward parents to rely on to understand marriage.

I have no doubt your wife will choose not to look at you in the way she once did, pre-fog, because she saw your real weakness in the last three months...didn't knew it went that deep...was that profound...but you say you have your self-respect.

I hope you work on your personal recovery...takes about two years, too, not factoring in the revenge affair and continued infidelity (you're married). What price we pay for anger, the false comforter, until it runs out...and we see clearly again...the remorse lasts a lifetime...not two years.

LA
Posted By: Dude007 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 09/23/08 07:08 PM
Pre-fog, fog, post-fog, she thought I was weak, that I wouldn't retaliate. I understand what you're saying, and you make good points, but the thought of the thread was thinking about having a wayward feel the similar pain. I'm telling you that I did, and I don't look back. She didn't!!! She got her a$$ handed back to her and it doesn't matter how she sees me now as we are headed for D. I really don't care. She is not the same person I married as she strayed first.
Originally Posted by Dude007
Pre-fog, fog, post-fog, she thought I was weak, that I wouldn't retaliate. I understand what you're saying, and you make good points, but the thought of the thread was thinking about having a wayward feel the similar pain. I'm telling you that I did, and I don't look back. She didn't!!! She got her a$$ handed back to her and it doesn't matter how she sees me now as we are headed for D. I really don't care. She is not the same person I married as she strayed first.

I've though about a revenge A. I think many BS do. The thing you have to consider is it probably won't hurt the WS like it hurts a FS. FS are committed to the end. We believe and HONOR our wedding vows. The WS does not and since the vows are meaningless then a revenge affair probably won't hurt effectively. Some WS have no concience. But hey, if you wanna try and be really vengeful you could do it and take lots of pics and then send them to her. Maybe wait till the divorce is final first though.
Quote
She is not the same person I married as she strayed first.

And you don't think that what you've done has changed you? That what you are currently doing is changing you? You have a girlfriend and yet you are still a married man...What kind of example are you setting for your children Dude? Do you even care, or is your wounded pride the only thing that matters now? That IS how it sounds...

Do you live in a world where two wrongs make a right? Is that what you want your children to learn?

I sincerely hope that you come to grips with your "nana nana boo boo" attitude, if not for your own sake then for the sake of your children...

Dude what about choosing to BE the man you always pictured yourself being no matter what others do? ACTING instead of REACTING??? That is true CHARACTER Dude...I'd love to see you embrace that side of yourself...Be the guy in the WHITE HAT...

Mrs. W
Posted By: Krazy71 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 09/23/08 07:30 PM
I can't say that I agree 100% with Dude, but there is certainly a part of me, especially on bad days, that can easily imagine doing exactly what he did. There have been times when I was teetering on the brink.

It's hard to say from reading words on a screen, but I'd guess that Dude did what he did from a position of pain and sadness, as oppposed to vengeance and machismo.

Unless he had a WS hidden in him the whole time. That's another topic entirely...
Originally Posted by Krazy71
I can't say that I agree 100% with Dude, but there is certainly a part of me, especially on bad days, that can easily imagine doing exactly what he did. There have been times when I was teetering on the brink.

It's hard to say from reading words on a screen, but I'd guess that Dude did what he did from a position of pain and sadness, as oppposed to vengeance and machismo.

Unless he had a WS hidden in him the whole time. That's another topic entirely...

Sure you thought about it Krazy...I'd venture a guess that many if not most BSs thought about it...To paraphase something a poster Noodle here once said, "If WSs knew what went on in the minds of BSs, they would likely never sleep with both eyes closed"....I get that totally...Perfectly understandable...The difference is that you did not act upon those thoughts...

Mrs. W
Posted By: Dude007 Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 09/23/08 09:55 PM
I did have a wayward within me. I had to fight it the 14+ years we were together. My tendancies were to stray. There were times when I was asked to got to a co-worker's apt for lunch.(No food involved) I didn't do it. I was so close so many times, but kept the monster at bay. Then low and behold, my great christian wife does it and keeps it secret for a long time. You damn right I retaliated. Thats the first thing she said, "Please dont retaliate!". She knew it was coming. She tried to take the wrath of it, then get on w/ recovery, but its wasn't possible w/ me. I wasnt asked beforehand. I have no regrets and I have no doubt I can be w/ another loving woman and treat them w/ the utmost respect again. ie I ain't changed. I changed a situation, not for life.
Posted By: not2fun Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 03/21/09 03:52 AM
moving on up.....don't you all just MISS Star????...(sigh)

not2fun
Bump for ZW.
Posted By: not2fun Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/04/10 12:51 PM
More encouraging words!!!!!
Bump for mymissy.
Posted By: schtoop Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/09/10 01:24 PM
Thanks for bumping this, it is most useful right now!

I'm sitting here at D-day +17 and the original post sums up where I'm at right now.

When I first found out I was terrified. Having the real possibility of divorce staring you in the face is a real eye-opener.

I posted this just two days ago:

"I came to a little bit of peace yesterday. I am not SCARED of divorce anymore. When I first found out about the affair and realized it was a strong possibility, it frightened the hell out of me.

I don't want D, I would hate for it to happen, hate what it would do to the kids, hate to not have my wife and best friend with me anymore, but I am not scared.

I am making positive changes in my life and will come out of this a better man, better father, and better husband (either to her or beyond). I hope she is with me to see that, but will be fine if she isn't."

One last thing, the more this whole thing progresses, the more I'm seeing the true colors of my wife. Maybe I'll be happier in the end if this doesn't end up working out.
I wish I could be as confident and strong as you are schtoop. No matter how hard I try to conquer this fear, it keeps holding me down. I feel very fearful and almost hopeless.

I'm going to continue doing all I can to fight this fear. I don't want to be afraid anymore.
Quote
One last thing, the more this whole thing progresses, the more I'm seeing the true colors of my wife. Maybe I'll be happier in the end if this doesn't end up working out.

Assuming your W is still a WW you really are not seeing her TRUE colors in a sense.
Wayward minds are locked away in a vault never to be accesed until the NC has been established and they are over the withdrawls and begin to make a concious decision to salvage their life and their M.
Thats when IMHO you will see her true colors.

Having the possibility of a D staring you in the face is scarry.
Having to sacrifice my life and resign myself to a life of unhappiness just beacuse of fear scares me even more.

I am really struck by Dalai Lama's answer to the million dollar question.

Q: What is the purpose of life.
A: The pursuit of happiness.

There is no gurantee in life that you will attain happiness nor is it a constant state of being so I am not looking for a destination called Happiness and planning on retiring there. (although now that I think about it doesnt sound too bad smile
If I can attain it here and there or on any given day great.
But if I dont even pursue it then what else remains?
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/12/10 05:56 PM
BUMPING up to the top
Posted By: Zelmo Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 02/12/10 06:03 PM
Yes, fear. Resolve to never let a cheater win. Do what it takes to control your life.
Posted By: not2fun Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 06/21/10 02:58 AM
HappyBirthday

Not
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 07/02/10 05:22 PM
Be strong in your words and deeds.
[Linked Image from shopatmoxie.com]

Great quote.
Posted By: not2fun Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 08/06/10 03:41 AM
^^^^^^ and last but not least, because FEAR is the greatest immobilizer of all^^^^^^^
kiss

Good night Folks.......

Not2fun
Posted By: not2fun Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 08/28/10 06:47 PM
Bumping for the weekend Newbies........

Welcome to MB
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 08/30/10 07:26 PM
BUMP
bumpin...
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 11/13/10 07:26 PM
BUMP for Woot
bump for meggin.....
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR...... - 04/16/11 06:12 PM
BUMP
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