I know the main purpose of Plan B is not to bring the WS home. And during Plan B, WS starts looking to OP to fill needs that are no longer being met by BS and sometimes this causes an awakening in WS and returns him home. I have a hard time understanding how this can happen. Seems like Plan B is more like a vacation for the WS.

Here's what I mean with a simple example. WS leaves the home and moves in with OP and BS starts Plan B. With a dark Plan B, WS no longer has to deal with BS or the kids (like he's single again). WS leaves behind his house (and the cleaning and the yard work) and his wife and kids (no family commitment or day-to-day responsiblities). WS knows that BS will cover the slack -- thus, BS now has more work!

Now WS gets to focus on his precious OP. WS can get his fill of affection and SF from OP whenever and whereever without having to sneak around. Also, they are free to go to the movies or out of town (recreational companionship) without lining up babysitters. And they just keep admiring the heck out of each other!

Without kids around, WS and OP have plenty of time to exercise, get massages, shop for sexy clothing, and primp each other (physical attractiveness). Honesty and openness are likely not that important to WS and OP, so meeting that need is probably not a big deal. WS is supporting the homefront and spending $ like crazy to impress OP but, since WS is in a fog, the credit card bills can wait for another day (or year).

And BS is no longer checking up on WS. With a dark Plan B, BS can't spy on the whereabout of WS or complain about his behavior. WS comes and goes as he likes and is free to carry on with OP without repercussions.

So am I missing something? Seems like the only strain on WS during Plan B is financial.

OK -- WS may start feeling guilty about his kids not talking to him or he might miss his dog. And, over time, OP will stop honeymooning WS and start asking him to take out the trash or pick up his underware or file for D. WS might miss home eventually just because the newness wears off. The jealous OP might start complaining when WS needs to do something with his kids or stop by the house to pick up the mail. And eventually...all couples fight.

Any thoughts???

Wow, you missed the boat by a mile! Have you read Surviving an Affair? The example of Sue and Greg very accurately describes what usually happens in Plan B. The wonderful, reality averse scenario you gave is one that happens when the WS is still living at home.

When he moves out and moves in with the OP,[and the BS is in Plan B] reality enters the affair and it quickly crumbles. Affairs are based on an ILLUSION, and when they actually live together, it quickly KILLS the illusion. They now have to face financial problems, family problems, social ostracism, isolation, and most of all, the traits that made the affair possible, selfishness and deceit, begin to take a huge toll on the affair.

Secondly, when the WS leaves the family, his expectations of his OP INCREASE drastically because the OP is expected now to meet 100% of his needs, whereas in the past, the OP was only meeting 1-2 top needs. When the OP fails to rise to the new standard, the lovebusting begins!!

Why do you think 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years?

Thanks, ML.

I've read SAA (borrowed from a friend) a while ago, and now rely on this website for MB info.

My example is based on my own experience with my WS. When he moved in with OP, he told me it's like a vacation from me and the kids. He and POSOW just focus on themselves. They go wherever they want whenever they want. They soak in the tub, listen to music, give each other massages, and just chill. (I know -- what kind of WS tells BS the details? Unfortunately, he's told me just about everything during one false recovery.)

I asked if he missed me and the kids. He said he just put us in a compartment in his head -- kind of like "out of sight, out of mind." He came back because he felt guilty and OW started to pressure him to file when he wasn't ready.

I said during one false recovery -- don't yell -- but we've had 5 this year. He can't make it throught withdrawls. When he's home, he wants to run away back to her. And when he's with her, he starts feeling guilty and tries to do the honorable thing. Unfortunately, the lust side usually wins in the shortrun. That's where he is today.

Holyheart, you havent ever been in Plan B. He knows he can come home on ANY terms - if you have had 5 false recoveries - so the reality never sets in with you both meeting his needs. Plan B sets conditions for return. You have no conditions whatsoever.

You werent in plan B, he just shacked up with the OW for a week and came home when the OW got pesky.

But a REAL Plan B is very different, I assure you.

And what will be the consequence? What will be different this time?

Last time, he got a Plan B letter with requirements. He wrote NC letter and left it with her when he moved out. He agreed to all of the terms of my letter and moved back home.

Then...he became depressed and withdrawls set in. I followed Harley's suggestion. Left him alone since he would not welcome anything from me. Harley goes as far as to recommend staying away from each other during this time because he'll be prone to anger, anxiety and depression. He went through all these BIG TIME. His IC told him to tell me to back off on anything related to our marriage. Her line was to say he "wasn't ready" when I asked him to spend time with me or the kids or do anything. Instead he focused on work and golf -- not me and the kids. And, sure enough, when he got really depressed (the day after Christmas), he called up OW and ran over to see her. And the rest is -- well -- history. They professed their love for each other, fell into bed, and he moved out again.

So...He is gone and I'm back to Plan B. When he left, I said to refer to the original letter which outlines a path back. I've been dark and so have the kids. I haven't used D as a threat since I do not want one.

If he were to want to come back again, I wouldn't let him move back in until we attended some counseling sessions together and his actions showed he was serious on recovering our marriage, not just getting back together for the kids' sake. But this time when he left, he said he needed closure and that filing D would bring that. But, then again, he's threatened that before.

Something that might be helpful next time is to have STEVE HARLEY negotiate his return, if any. Five false recoveries is a little ridiculous.

Believe me -- my family and friends all want to kill him. And he's a stubborn guy going through a MLC. We've been together for 30 years so I know the way he thinks. Unfortunatly, during this past year (one year since D-day), he has changed his mind so many times that I really believe he is an alien.

Do you have time tonight to really hear my story, ML? If you have the time, I'll spill. I'd love your advice.

HH, feel free to post it! I am headed to bed right now and will check it in the AM. I will warn you that my eyes glaze over if it exceeds 5 paragraphs, so please take pity on me if you want me to read it!

For my money, the main purpose of Plan B is to preserve your willingness to reconcile. All of these things you talk about will hurt you, and if you know all the details, eventually you will lose all the love you have left. Plan B is about protecting yourself (and whatever love you have left) by removing yourself from the madness of infidelity.

You don't know what he's doing, so you're not hurt by it. And since you're not being hurt by it, you can't love-bust him with angry outbursts. And, like Mel says, the WS's will have only one place to get their needs met, and eventually the whole thing will fold.

Thanks, Mel:

I'll try and keep it short. A started 18 months ago. D-day was one year ago. I was devastated at the beginning, couldn't think, and willing to do anything to save M. Actually kicked him out for a week 1/08 when I discovered pictures of them together the weekend prior. He came back, swore to me and the kids he'd never leave again, and I let him back in.

Then the rollercoster ride really took off. He left on his own for a month, then 2 months, then 2 months again, and then again last week. Even though I knew of the MB principles, I didn't begin following until 10/08 when I implemented Plan B and found my backbone. I had been basically Aing since D-day.

I gave him the letter, went dark, and he negotiated his return after 2 weeks. "Negotiated" means we met a few times, he agreed to write a NC letter, he discussed it beforehand with his IC, then he moved out of OW's place when she was attending a family function (to prevent drama like her threatening to take her life).

As for requirements for returning -- he's promised to keep them each time and failed. He signed an agreement (but didn't follow it), we attended counseling (but he would only go once), we and the kids met with our priest (where WH recommited to our marriage), he agreed to IC (has attended since Aug.) and bible study (went once), etc.

But -- when he's come back home -- he's asked for space to deal with the issues in his head and the withdrawl. I let him back the last time since he had continued IC. I'm glad the counselor has now seen him go from being home, to moving in with OW, to moving back home, to moving back in with OW.

Other info? M 23 years (together 30), 3 teenagers, both 46 years old. A has been exposed to everyone, including a stranger at Costco! All family on both sides, friends, etc. support me. He has support from one friend (who wants him to be happy).

Sorry -- it's over 5 paragraphs. Anything else??

You shown that you are not able to do a plan B on your own. You need to have the Harley's conduct it and WH's return.

Read up on SexyMamaBear's and TST's recovery.

She had several false recoveries. Then she was DONE. She made conditions pretty stiff when he tried for another false recovery, including a postnup that signed everything over to her, and 100% custody of the kids, a polygraph test, and several other "surrender completely to this process or else I'm done" conditions. I believe it also included him working with Steve Harley.

TST got it, did it and never looked back.

I'm trying not to even think about what WS is doing this time -- but it's hard. I am checking the credit cards to see how much he is spending.

Right after D-day, I looked for whatever info. I could find on OW -- even had my sisters spy on her house. I actually went there one night and confronted WH and OW together. It turned into a Jerry Springer episode!! Believe me, I've grown a pair since this whole thing started!

And I agree that if (or when) WS decides to return, I'd have a third party (like Harley) negotiate his return.

The A has taken its toll on my love bank big time. I can honestly say I do not love WS. I do, however, love H and would only allow him back in my life if his old self returns. But, realistically, we've both changed so much. And I'm preparing to go it alone with the kids if he files.

HH, I think the key is to prevent your H coming back before he is ready by letting someone like Steve Harley negotiate his return. He clearly believes he can go shack up with the ho for a week and then come back when the spirit moves him. He is having his cake and eating it too.

When you go into Plan B, how does he communicate with you? Does he come in the house?

HH, I see you have done alot of things here, EXCEPT make up a plan for recovery and a plan to protect him from a relapse. The fact that he has asked for "space" is a sign that he is still in an affair and is not committed to the marriage. That would be a dead giveaway to me.

Most IC's know about butkus about adultery, much less how to recover from an affair.

Does he work with the OW? Do you live close to her? Does he see her in any capacity outside of his affair?

I agree with Mel,

Letting Steve Harley work with you will offer you the best and maybe the only chance to recover this train wreck your H created.

My bet is that H has never maintained NC, which is why he continues to vacillate between both of you.

I again would agree with Mel. This is exactly what happened with me.
You would think active waywards would be more creative, but then again active waywards ARE brain-dead.

Thanks for the advice about the other threads. I'm looking through Sexymamabear's and see Mel's input already.

As for OW, they do not work together. They met through a mutual friend. She has 3 kids from two different H's (D twice). So the kids are only with her part-time.

As for Plan B, I admit that I only implemented it last time for about 2 weeks before he decided to come home. This time, I'm following it to the letter. Communication is through FIL who has only had to leave one business-like message for WH (where the rest of his clothes were and where/when he could pick up the mail). I will not allow him in the house this time. He has no key so changing the locks is unnecessary.

WH tried calling once. DD said that I didn't want to talk and hung up on him. He texted twice and I didn't respond. But it's only been week one so WH and I don't have anything to communicate about but expect to see him next week when DDs basketball games resume.

As for finances -- he pays everything. This hasn't changed whether or not he was living here or not. Talked with a lawyer that suggested I stay married "even if just on paper" to keep all bills paid. If separated or D filed, I'd end up short.

Have you sent him a Plan B letter?

Yes, he has the original one I sent before. When he left, I told him to refer to it for a path home and how to communicate to me. I told him that I would no longer communicate with him directly. He said he knew I didn't mean it, and I said I did.

My goal is to maintain a dark Plan B. No direct communication whatsoever with WH. And work on me -- doing stuff with the kids, keeping busy, getting out, exercising, eating healthy, praying, etc. I also need to figure out a way to earn some $ that won't negatively affect me should we start D.

If something comes up regarding boundaries, I will post again for advice. And if there is ever any discussions regarding him coming home again, I will post for help. I will not negotiate with WH ever again.

And if D papers happen to arrive, then I will cross that bridge when I get to it!!

Thanks for your help.

you were right your situation is so similar to mine, except for the false recovery (I had only one). My WH has never showed interest in coming back. And he lives in his brothers empty condo, so I agree with the vacation thing. I think he loves it. No responsibilities except his job and seeing his son occasionally.

I know exactly what you are going thru. all I can offer for now is my support. Hang in there.

Well make it thru this together whether M does or not.

Here's an update since last post. WH and DDs are currently at war via text messaging. WH walked out 2 weeks ago and has made no attempt to visit kids except to send sporatic "I love you," "Time will heal all," "My decision to leave Holyheart has nothing to do with you," "Blah, blah, blah" messages.

Teenage DDs are angry at WH and are letting him have it. They are attacking the A, the OW, his lying, his breaking of promises, his intent to D, his lack of caring, etc. He, in return, is saying "I am your Father. You will respect me. I will not take this talk from you or anyone else. Blah, blah, Blah."

As I am in deep Plan B this time (Yes, Mel, I'm really doing it!), I can't respond. He did send me one text message that I read -- "U need to read what the girls sent me today. I told you not to get them involved in our deal. I won't be talked to or text by the girls. There will be repercussions for their actions." Oh, yeah, and another one the other day "You probably need to get your kids some counseling. Think they may need to deal with some anger issues." MY kids!!!

My response to first message "I do not know what you are talking about. The girls are not even home." No response to 2nd message.

Yeah...I should not have even responded. But what I really wanted to say is "What do you expect, you POS? You caused this to happen -- you and your A. You broke up their family and they are scared and angry. You did this. You lied to all of us. You have sacrificed me and our kids to pursue OW. I hate you!!!"

But, I didn't. I just want to stay out of it. I have protected WH long enough. During this year, I have tried to maintain peace between WH and the kids. But, no more.

As for the D, WH told FIL on Friday that he is moving ahead on filing. Says it will bring "closure" to everyone once that is done. Funny, during the year, he said that he kept going back to OW because there was never any "closure." Last time he broke it off with her and moved out, he wrote NC letter saying that he "could never D Holyheart and the kids." His IC said that that wasn't a good way to end it -- leaving a letter and moving out. IC suggested that he talk face to face with her, and he did. So much for following NC.

I find it hard to believe that starting D with me, and kids in a rage, and family and friends up in arms, and going against God and the way he was raised, and sticking with OW and her 3 kids and all her baggage will finally bring him closure. I will not go away quietly!

Hi HH,

Your Subject Line about Plan B being a vacation for a WS is an interesting one.

Of course it looks that way to the BS, but I'm sure that you are aware that though most WS are capable of being such "sweethearts" to their OP, they won't always be that way.

So rest assured that it won't be all roses for them.

I also understand the fear of going dark because it makes you feel like you are just letting the adulterers frolic in their "love" and solidifying their relationship. But again, as many people have pointed out to you, they are entirely selfish beings and when they start to step on each other's toes, it really busts up their fantasy.

As for looking at your WH's TMs, in plan B, you actually aren't supposed to do that, nor should you respond.

Easy to say, hard to do I know.

I am now in a type of plan B, though I have been divorced for 4 months.

Mostly because I cannot stand the person my WXH has become and the fact that he got back together with the original OW (after breaking up once for 2 months then again for about 4 months). He has been taking my DS to spend the night at her house with him for the last 2 weeks.

It's not fun at all.

So, I don't respond to his emails unless they are child related and he doesn't really contact me anymore anyway.

But in your case, in order to stop your love bank from draining out entirely, you need to get an IM and not read his TMs.

His attempts to get you to coparent and make his kids respect him is really stupid since he isn't worthy of respect and decided he didn't want to be a husband and full time dad.

I just hate coparenting with a WXH, especially when they involve the OP who helped wreck your family and now wants to take your place in it (excuse me while I vomit )....it really is awful.

Our situations are pretty similar (being with our H's since the age of 15 and them claiming they "missed out" on "oat-sowing"...bleh).

So I feel for you.

I am in the anger phase at this stage and hate that too. I just try to avoid even seeing him at all and have my mom at my home for visitations etc.

I wish I would have been less stubborn about needing to know every little thing and not going dark sooner.

It might have prevented a lot of heart ache I have experienced by knowing every litte detail (yes, my WXH liked to share with me as if we were best friends...he even said once "So when I can talk to you about my girl problems" shortly before the divorce was final.)

I pray God will give you the strength to do what HE would have you to do in this situation and the peace that passes all understanding.

Blessings,

Sara

Update on the text message war between WH and teenage DDs. The messages have stopped, but WH is really angry at the disrespect shown towards him. Yesterday, DD16's car was in the shop being repaired and WH was taking care of the arrangements. But instead of returning the car, he sent a message via IM that the car would be held hostage until Holyheart called him to discuss a "parenting issue" re: DD. I assume this means the text messages.

I had DD call him but he didn't return her call so the car wasn't returned. Today, I had IM give message that Holyheart had nothing to say and that if it was in regards to the text messages that he needed to talk directly with DD "father to daughter." WH then complained to the IM about DD's attitude.

Give me a break. All teenagers have an attitude. But angry teenagers whose father walks out on them multiple times earn a right to voice their views. Especially since POWS is such a coward that he's stayed away from his kids for 16 FREAK'IN days. What does he expect? And he thinks I'm poisoning the kids. How can I do that? They are old enough to know that WH has blown it yet again to fix the situation, that WH is selfish, and that WH is to blame for the destruction of a once normal, loving family.

I'm trying to remain as dark as possible, but it's times like this that I want to get in WHs face and scream "what a fu*$ing idiot you are. Don't you see what you are doing to me and the kids?" And my LB starts to empty......and I remind myself that this is alien WH and not H.......and then it stops.

OK -- I need to vent.

17 FREAK'IN days and he hasn't seen the kids. See what I mean about Plan B being a vacation for him? No wife, no kids, no house maintainence, etc.

And I just checked the credit cards. Seems WH had a lovely time whooping it up in Vegas with POSOW over New Year's. Nice resturants, jewelry store, hotel, etc.

OK -- I'm in plan B, but I have to check the credit cards. And if he's running amuck financially, shouldn't I stop the bleeding and proceed to Plan D? Right now, he's paying all the bills. But "paying" might mean putting on our line of credit and I don't want to get stuck with half of this especially if large chunk has been to finance the A.

And what a POWS. He couldn't even go Christmas shopping for the kids. Wouldn't even meet me at a store to pick out a gift. Didn't even buy me anything although he was living here at the time. Then leaves 2 days after Christmas and buys her jewelry!! What a show off. Gosh, I want to pull him off his high horse. Goodness know how much this 18 mo. affair has already cost us.

I've been at this over a year. He's spent about half of last year with OW and about half here with his family. But, realistically, he's been with OW the entire time. He doesn't want his family -- he wants OW and a playboy lifestyle.

I'm only 17 days into Plan B this time. And I'm trying to stay as dark as possible. But I hate him right now. I hate him so much.

Do I just need to be patient at the moment and let reality hit? Or do I at least start making appointments with As to see where I stand? I've always maintained that he be the one to put the last nail in the coffin -- file for D. I didn't want that on my conscious. But I don't know any longer. Maybe I need to change it up a bit and take control.

No, you should not be patient at all! In plan B you should protect your finances.

What is your status? Are you legally separated? Do you have a lawyer?

Cut him off financially and if that is impossible, keep a careful record of everything he spends.

Don't let your IM tell you anything about what your WH says. You should only have information from him if something really important happens.

I don't know how to handle your children. They should be comfortable speaking to you about their feelings but you don't want to hear any crap about WH. Try to tell them that you want peace at home and no wayward mess.

Plan B is not a vacation for WS, make him feel that.

HH, reading your sitch, mine is very similar except no false or any recovery at all.

My H took his OW to Vegas also for the new year and has been spending thousands of dollars since A started.

Depending on the state you live in you need to get legal advice.

Always ask first if the consultation is free. (some charge).

In my state all debt and savings are community property and you have to divide by 1/2. Protect yourself.

My D15 has not seen her father since 12/22, this is after a 2 week of being in contact with him prior and previous 5 week of not seeing him again.

For a teenager who thought her father was her hero, this has been hell. I understand how your children are feeling.

I also see your point of the H and OW being on vacation, but I also agree the longer they are put together it takes away some of the romance and more of the reality.

As for finances, WH is still paying all the bills. I had him sign something to that effect when he left another time during the year. Yeah -- it's not legal, but at least he's kept up that.

I'm in a no fault, 50-50 state, so an attorney advised me to stay married, even if just on paper, as long as possible because D would result in only part of bills being paid.

Also, due to my kids being teenagers, child support would only be enforced until 18 so it's better to stay married.

Currently, I'm unemployed (had to unload my business due to economy) but working sporadically at "pick up" jobs. I'm starting a real part-time job in a few weeks though.

I'm scared since WH told FIL that he's filing papers soon and coming up with a starting point for mediation. He said that what he's proposing will be way better than anything I could get if we go to court and use attorneys. But I know he's being directed by OW (the 2 time divorcee loser) and she's a pro at taking spouses to the cleaners.

And I'm still staying dark. But it get harder the angrier I become.

So he still pays the bills, good job!

If you believe what the attorney said, that this is your best deal, then stick to it. Otherwise do something about it. Ask people here for advice, there is lots of experience here (unfortunately).

I wouldn't believe so easily what the WS says. Remember, his loyalties are not with you anymore. Check out you options.

And stay dark, that is don't accept any information from him.

Back to finances in Plan B...

Just looked at another website with clues as to whether or not your spouse will ultimately leave you due to an affair. One big factor is whether or not family money is being used to finance the A or the OP.

He!!, yeah, WH has used tons of money this past year to finance the A and for OW. I have copies of credit card transactions to prove it. And it scares the sh*# out of me that this is happening. I've called the credit card company re: getting copies of 2008 transactions. Have to wait until Feb. to request year-end info.

Questions for you who have gone through or are going through D.
Can proof of family funds being used to support A or for OW help out the BS? WH has complained that we are in debt due to my lack of a job. But when all is said and done, the real factor is that for over a year, he's been funneling $ to OW and living high on the hog to impress her.

I've gathered whatever info. I can at this point. But during a D, will credit card statements even matter? And should I just let it go at this point because once D starts (which he says he's in the process of filing), won't all statements have to be made available to me? And then can I submit them as evidence of misappropriation of family funds? WH says he wants to go the mediation route, and I, of course, want to drag it out as long as possible to see if the fog ever lifts.

My thinking is that if I have too much information available "up front", then I speed up the process. For instance, we start the process and I mention that I feel that funds have been spent on OW. Mediator would ask for back up. We request credit card back up and then I need time to search through all the transactions to verify each one. So we would have to set up another meeting to allow me to request statements and review. Or is that not how it works?

Unfortunately, I'm a very efficient and organized person. But I'm willing to forego these traits if it drags out the process.

At the moment, I have evidence that our joint credit card has been used for hotel rooms, resturants, clothing, jewelry, gas, dentist, tanning, hair salon, and OWs business.

Do you have any way of showing when he moved out or left? Might even be good to show it each time if hes spending that crazy. It might help to establish when he was gone that way financially it will show hes been draining your finances.

Are you keeping a journal on the visits and phone calls. I know when he calls DS10 because he calls the house but I have DD17 tell me at the end of the day if he contacted her day and I log it all. I write down D called or No visit on scheduled day. You should have this 17 day no visit gap in a journal that way if he tries to get a larger share of custody it will be harder for that to happen when the judge sees he hasn't even been visiting or contacting. Please do this if you haven't. Custody also effects how much monetarily you will receive.

Please, please, please don't break your Plan B. Your H is expecting you to cave and I think its crucial in your case to really stick to your PB because of all this waffling back and forth. I think that if the OW is that much of a loser then its probably going to an end eventually but will you still be open to it is the question. Another thing I like about the PB(well truth be told I freaking HATE IT LOL) but it gives you your self respect and dignity back. It allows you to care for yourself and gives God time to work on the H while you are out of the way.

Yep, got the spiral binder to document contact with the kids. I was told that since the kids are over 13, they will be able to say which parent they want to have custody. WH has said in the past that he didn't want any, but with money being tight, and OW being a pro at D and custody, I'm sure he'll fight for some if it saves him money.

And we're now at day 21 with no visit. And I'm working hard to maintain a dark Plan B. I have been tempted to call him when I get angry -- but tonight -- after falling asleep on the couch -- I just hoped that I'd get a text from him saying that he misses me or that we need to talk. I just want him to really, really miss me.

I think that WH believes that OW needs him and he wants to rescue her. And I think he feels responsible for leading her on this past year. He's said she's had a hard life with 2 divorces, 3 kids, and being on her own for awhile. He doesn't realize that he's turning me into her. Now I'm the single parent with 3 kids who's been abandoned. I'm the one with the hard life. I'm the one who's been treated like crap for over a year. Yep -- I now need rescuing. And not just me, but his own flesh and blood -- our kids. He's dumped them, too.

And would I ever take him back? Not unless I saw Godly remorse. Godly remorse, humility, shame, and guilt have been missing during each of the false recoveries. I'm learning about what true recovery is by reading other threads. I won't be fooled again. He will WANT to come back -- not that I'm making him come back. He will WANT to stay away from OW -- not that I'm making him stay away. He will WANT to do everything under the sun to help me heal -- not just deal with his own hurt.

And his own hurt has always been the topic upon his returns. It was still "all about him" and his pain and his loss. It was never about me and the kids and our pain and our loss. That, my friend, is the key. Giving of himself instead of living for himself.

HELP VETS --

Just got served. And WH is asking of joint custody of kids he abandoned 24 days ago and has yet to see.

What do I do besides prepare a response?

Get yourself to an attorney.


Make sure you take this info with you. He could be made to pay you back for 1/2 of what he's spent on OW. Are you in a community property state?

The only reason he's asking for custody is to reduce his CS.

DO NOT GO THE MEDIATION ROUTE. If WH wants a divorce, let him fight for it. Mediation is about everyone agreeing, la la la. It does costs less in the long run, but is that really your primary concern right now?

Do you live in a state with fault divorce? Countersue him for divorce on the grounds of adultery and abandonment if those options are available to you. That's why you need to see an attorney.

Don't give up. He hasn't seen the reality of what abandoning his family is going to cost him.

(((Holyheart)))

Thanks for helping, PM.

I'm in no-fault, 50/50 state.

I did do some research re: mediation. Seems I can stop it at anytime and get an attorney and go the traditional route.

Plan to check box in response that I want him to pay for one. Also will check boxes re: 100% custody and spousal support.

Any advice as to what to say if WH calls? I'm Bing my butt off, but want to be ready with a good response -- "I don't want D, want to keep family together, blah, blah, blah..." Or do I get IM to express my disappointment at being served, and something about me fighting to save my M?

I don't want D. He's rushing it for me.

Does anyone think I should break Plan B to respond to papers? WH told his parents that he needs closure and D is the best for everyone. Oh -- and OW has nothing to do with D. He hasn't been happy in 10 years. News to me!!!

And I haven't told the kids yet. Want to wait until after the weekend.

HELP -- I need a plan.

By responding to the papers you are not breaking plan B. You are doing what you have to do. If you didn't respond, you would be SOL cause WH could then get pretty much whatever he wants from divorce.

When you speak to your lawyer, they will be dealing with it, not you. You will not be dealing at all with WH, so you won't be breaking plan B. Stay in it. He is trying to get you to break it. Don't do it!!

ITA! Let the attorneys or the mediator handle ALL communications.

About the no-fault state, Texas is a no-fault state too, YET they do have adultery as grounds. Some say it can effect the outcome of the division of property. I wonder if your state might have something similar.

Hope, I KNOW you're hurting badly right now and you have visions if you could just GET to WH and MAKE him understand that this is just WRONG that he will/might see the light. Please don't give in to this urge.

What to tell your children? The truth! (in an age-appropriate way).

Good for you for going for 100% custody. WH has more or less abandoned them. In Texas there are LAWS and CONSEQUENCES for doing that, as in those are grounds to even terminate parental rights. I've been looking at that because of my daughter's situation. Maybe there's something like that where you are.

Liberal California. Can do anything to anyone without consequenses.

I will get advice from attorney re: response to papers. I know I have 30 days to respond and damn sure I'll be contesting.

But what about message to WH that I don't want D? I guess that's what I'm wondering at this time. Do I just accept it, move forward, be prepared and plan on looking pretty at each mediation appointment?

He knows you don't want to divorce. He is doing this because OW is probably complaining to him about it.

You need to make things difficult for him so he won't divorce. Going for 100% custody is one of those things. Counter suing for adultery is one of those things. Having them add to your divorce decree that HE must pay all legal costs is one of those things. Trying to get the most money as possible from him is one of those things.

If he is spending money on the affair, and it is joint money, go after him for it.

One thing you need to know about WH's is that they are lazy. They don't really want to go through all of the drama of their divorce so they stall.

My XH filed the papers ASAP. But, he did not finish with the divorce until AFTER I made a big deal about it. I wanted things finalized as I was done with his lying cheating ways. So, I had to post on a local message board that I guessed he liked being married to me after all, as he had not gone ahead and filed the final paperwork. (confirmed by calling the courthouse and being told I was in limbo as he had not done it) I got my divorce in less then two weeks.

Thanks, MM:
I'll keep you posted. And I'll wait until about day 28 before I submit my response!

Hi Holy,

I'm starting to get busy at work again and can't read through your thread.

I'm hear, praying and loving on you. Be good to yourself....

I'll be back...

NO MESSAGE to idiot allowed!

You tell your attorney to stall stall stall.

Wear some army boots and drag your feet.

But do NOT directly communicate with your WH.

Is Plan B a vacation for waynerds?

Let his mood answer your question.

When I am on vacation, I am in a good mood, I am not behaving like I have a festering boil on my rump!

I smile. I laugh. I am pleasant.

Interesting that you mentioned festering boil. I have a huge boil on my shin right now. Went to Dr. yesterday. Took culture, had blood work done (including STD/HIV screen), and am now on antibiotics. Just one more thing for me to stress over!!

OK -- Plan B and Plan D are definitely not a vacation for BS. But knowing that WH has been whooping it up out of town the last 3 weekends and was spending crazy on the credit cards is not fair and seems like a vacation. Maybe this was in anticipation of not being allowed to spend like this once the D paperwork started.

So should the start of Plan D be the end of the vacation? How stressed will WH get? He went off his high blood pressure medicine when A started saying he didn't need it anymore. But he's had major mood swings this year. Even confessed to crying while watching a music video. Weird since I've never seen him cry in 30 years.

I guess I need to make sure I'm still the beneficiary on his life insurance policy.

WH talked with his parents yesterday. "Talk" probably isn't the right word. Cussed, yelled, complained, argued, slammed doors, etc.

He was angry that it took 2 FREAK'IN days for FIL to give me the D papers. He screamed and cussed at his mother because she didn't know where the papers were when he drove over to get them. Tracked down FIL and threatened to hire some bum off the street to bang on my door at 10:00 at night if FIL didn't follow through and serve me.

Complained that his kids are calling him names. Admitted that he's a Sh*$head and Ahole, but didn't want to hear it from them. Admitted that he's likely given kids psychological damage, but won't have a relationship with them because they don't want one. Admitted that everyone hates him, but doesn't want to hear it from anyone.

Complained about my 2 boundaries -- where to pick up his weekly mail and using the IM. Said he won't pick up mail there and won't use IM anymore. Complained about not having enough money to pay for everything. Complained about cost of D paper work and mediation. Complained that a friend asked him about D -- that word is already out that he's left me and the kids for OW and is Ding me.

OK -- WH was in a bloody rage. But not at me. I wasn't there. I still haven't talked with him. I'm doing a steller Plan B.

So...what gives? I know OW has given him the ultimatum to get D or leave. She must have given him 4 weeks because that would explain his need to get papers Thursday to deliver to courthouse by Friday. Maybe she was going to throw him out....

So...shouldn't he be happy and mellow since he's getting everything he wants? No wife, no kids, OW, D?

Advice anyone?

sure seems like a lousy vacation to me

don't react - go for a walk - have your nails done - call a friend - go see a movie

READ THIS

"disparity of sacrifice" is HUGE here

Your WH is losing his kids, his reputation, his relationship with his parents .... and lot's more

it puts a huge wedge between them

relax today - your conscience is clear

this is NO VACATION for WH

What waynerds think:

Once the dust settles
everyone will be happy and better off
I will have OW
I will be a great father to happy kids
WxBW will see the light and be happy for OW and I
we will do holidays together
we will laugh and share
no one will be angry or upset

What upsets waynerds:

the dust storm is friggin' HUGE
no one is happy
everyone is upset
people disapprove
no one wants to play "one big happy family" with OW
not enough money to have fun and pay bills
there is chaos everywhere
the man in the mirror is not happy or laughing

Thanks, PB:
You just made my day!!!

Feeling really low. Told the kids today that WH has begun the divorce process.

Still really hard for me to understand how a man so blessed can destroy his family. We've had a great marriage (at least I thought so until A), 3 wonderful kids, nice house, supportive family and friends, good health, no money problems, etc. WH says the only trauma our M has ever experienced is the death of a pet.

Even WH says he can't understand his decision to leave since the benefits of Holyheart and kids way out weight OW and all her baggage.

It makes no sense.

Have appointment with attorney tomorrow to respond to D petition. Will also ask him if part-time, temp. job will have effect on determining spousal support.

I'm still Plan B-ing the best I can. But how can I really take myself out of the drama since I have to be a part of it? I mean -- I wish I could just not think of it, offer it up to God, go to the movies, and get my nails done. But God is not going to complete the divorce petition and get it filed on time.

I just wish I could have had more time in Plan B to breath and really work on myself before WH filed. Yes, it's been 13 months since I found out, but I never thought it would end like this!

Hi Holy,

I'm here reading your thread, feeling your sadness. I'm sorry you are hurting tonight. No,G-d can't do the footwork, that's only something we are able to do, BUT he is there and you are NOT ALONE.

We don't know how it ends up, not yet because we are still walking through it. We have to just TRUST because that's all we really have in the end. G-d loves us and knows who and what we are capable of doing. He hurts for us, but like my WH.. G-d is hurting more than we could ever imagine. Walk in FAITH, TRUST G-d and know how special you are to us...

Thanks, Queenie.
Just ran across my H's favorite quote. (WH would not like it.)

"Smoke six or seven good cigars a day, drink a little good wine, have a wife who loves you and a good caddy."

He had it all -- especially a wife who loved him.

Holyheart, I see from your other threads that humour is not missing.

I am sure he is going to miss that!

Are you feeling better today? Are your kids being supportive? Is there anyone you can go visit today? Old friend, maybe?

Thanks for noticing my quirky sense of humor.

Met with attorney today. Even he was amazed with my story of WH and this past year. He was especially interested in the topless photo of OW I brought. WH can be seen in the mirror reflection taking the picture. What a class act!

Got advice for responding to D petition. Attorney offered a few options of outright representing me if we go the traditional route or advising me on a "per hourly" basis if we go the mediation route. Mediation would mean that I trust WH (yeah -- right) to be transparent and honest (again -- yeah ---right) regarding the finances.

What really concerns attorney is WH's spending on OW. Stupid, stupid WH used our joint credit cards for gifts, trips, groceries, OW's business, etc. Even attorney agreed that WH is "spending like a drunk sailor." Attorney asked if drugs are involved.

Amazing that a conservative, church-going father of 3 could change so much by affair. It really is just like WH is on drugs. He's addicted to OW and has lost his wife, kids, reputation, money, etc. He lies and cheats for his vice. He has mood swings, has cussed out his own mother, lost many long-time friends, and feels the world is against him.

Maybe it's starting to be the vacation from he!l.

Ok -- cheer me up, guys.

It's DD15's birthday. She told me that WH texted her last night that he will drop off her gift at her grandparent's house.

This was in response to DD's text that she didn't want him to waste any money on her gift. All she wanted was her family back.

God -- I love her so much. She is the only one in contact with WH and she won't give up trying to save him.

OK -- I broke Plan B today.

Was at in-laws when WH arrived with gift for DD. He saw my car and phoned for one of them to come out and get it instead of coming in the house. Instead, I walked out to see him.

He's bound and determined to push through the D. I started with "thanks for serving me." And I keep it light and smiled and looked good. He, on the other hand, ranted about everyone being against him, closure from me and the kids, why can't everyone just get over it, the damage is too far done to repair, etc.

And I just leaned in the window of his truck and smiled. Just kept smiling. Yep -- I need to get to the divorce response. Yep -- we need to go over finances. Yep -- and he kept ranting.
Then I said it -- I still love you. I miss you. If you want to stop this madness, you know what to do. He says he's moving forward.

After he left, he called me to say that if I needed to talk with him again, to not call his usual cell number but instead call his other phone or his work phone. WHAT??? Seems it will cause "problems" if I call his cell number. In other words, no matter the time or day, OW is monitoring his cell phone to see whether or not we talk. I guess she wants N/C between him and me.

I knew she was jealous, but I didn't know the extent. I'll have to conveniently forget this in case I have to call him again.

OK -- EVERYONE -- go back to dark Plan B, Holyheart. Preserve what little love you have left. Yep, the divorce is starting and yep, it may take a year or so to complete. Yep, OW should be far gone by then or you'll be single again. Yep...yep...yep.

And don't forget to send some miscellaneous texts on his cellphone now and then!

Oops! Did I forget to use that other phone number? Silly me!

Cat;
I did just that tonite, but the content probably isn't what WH wanted to hear. Mentioned how 15 years ago I suffered bring DD into the world and how today WH isn't willing to swallow his pride for a few minutes to visit DD on her birthday.

Now back to Plan B and getting through the D process.

But...hee, hee...I've already mentioned to a few woman friends to make sure they phone WH and leave him a message or two.

I know...I know...I'm suppose to not think of WH, stay in the locker room, wait for the coach to call me in.

But D has begun and the game clock is ticking. If I ever expect to speed up the demise of the A, I have to act once in a while. And knowing how jealous OW is, I need to use that to my advantage.

If you're planning on doing all of that then you might as well scrub Plan B and go back to Plan A for a while. All you are doing is giving him his little "fix" and prolonging the affair. IMHO. If you are in B you need to be:

Black as midnight, black as pitch, blacker than the foulest witch! (I know some here will know where that came from, LOL!)

Charlotte

You're right. No more seeing him or taking his calls or text messages. I've been doing well for 30 days, but today I just couldn't resist the urge to walk out and see him. Maybe because it was DD's birthday. Or I just needed to look in his eyes to see if the alien was still living inside.

And the alien has yet to pop out of his belly. He's still wayward, and there's no use trying to talk with a wayward. It's just argue, justify, defend, I'm a victim, everyone hates me, nobody's business, need closure, "move on," blah, blah, blah. Same script, different day!

Just finished typing up my response to D petition (with advice from attorney, of course).

Yesterday, WH must have mentioned 3 times that I need to get the paperwork filled out. Such a hurry...

So I looked at the calendar and saw the appropriate date to sign and submit: February 13 -- yep, Friday the 13th -- and the day before Valentine's Day. Especially befitting since last year on Valentine's Day was the one and only time I confronted OW and it ended up turning into a Jerry Springer incident.

A year ago...wow...time flies when your having fun!

What happened when you confronted her?

WH had moved out the first of February, but we were basically back together since he had called it off with OW and we had just spent a weekend together in Vegas. I asked if we could do something that night, and he said "Valentine's Day is overrated," he was tired, and he just wanted to kick back at his apartment.

Well, my sis and BIL spotted WH's truck at OW's house and they called me. I jumped in my car and sped over like a demon. They met me there, and I proceeded to march up to the door and pound hard. When OW answered, I pushed my way in and said "Where the F is my husband?"

WH came in from another room, grabbed me, and tried to push me out the door. I held onto his shirt. Meanwhile, sis and BIL pushed their way in to help me. BIL threw WH against the wall and told him not to manhandle me. OW calls police. When she gets off the phone, she takes a punch at me as I'm being pulled out the door by sis. BIL spills every word in the book calling her a homewrecker, bar slut, wh0re, etc.

WH follows me out yelling that he's Ding me the next day, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, sis, BIL, and I get back in the car and drive off.

Then...10 seconds later...I notice my glasses are missing. We stop the car, and I jog back to OW's house. WH is still out front. I tell him that my glasses must have fallen when OW punched me. He goes back inside, finds them, hands them to me, I say "thanks" and I leave.

My adrenaline was pumping sooooo much. I felt like Wonder Woman on the drive back home. Very empowering, if I must say so.

When I got home, the kids overheard us talking. DS texts WH calling him a loser. WH texts back that his kids need to show him respect (yeah...right). Kids are proud of mom for confronting OW and doing something proactive.

WH calls, says that he and OW are now "back together" and that if I had just let him explain, he would have told me that he had just dropped by to say "hi" since he felt bad about their recent breakup. (OK -- OW was all dolled up. Looked like they were going out to dinner and planning a Valentine's Day romp.) He says he's staying there that night, he has a massive headache, and they have bonded over this "emotional" experience.

OW said she was afraid to stay there by herself since I might come back and wondered what would have happened if her kids had been home that night. (See -- her 3 kids were ALREADY spending the night elsewhere. So they really were planning a romp.)

Oh -- OW also couldn't understand why these 3 strangers were barging in her house and confronting WH. (Huh? -- I guess "Where the f is my husband?" did not ring a bell with her.)

Needless to say, WH has CONTINUED to say that sis and BIL were and still are an issue because they got involved in our business. For this, he said he could never be friends with them again. (WH forgets that this is all HIS doing and that we were all just reacted to what he was doing -- LYING yet again!!. Poor WH -- everyone's against him!)

OK -- folks -- in the long run -- this incident never really mattered. WH went back and forth between me and her multiple times after that and today, he's back living with her and her kids and he's divorcing me and our kids. (I know that sounds bad that he's divorcing the kids -- but, come on --- It's been 32 days and he still hasn't even visited his kids.

Do I regret that night? Hell, no. I wish there had been more confrontations like that. I mean, I wish I had been more forceful about it earlier on in the affair. Instead, it dragged on and on and I think they bonded more and more the more time they spent together. And I know WH and I have drifter further and further away since d-day.

OK -- Plan D moving along.

But why all the ANGER from WH towards the world? Shouldn't he be HAPPY because he got what he wanted?

He's angry about bills (fails to see that most of the money is going to HIS out of control spending), me (I'm "poisoning" everyone against him), the kids (can't understand their lack of respect towards him), his parents (that they are supportive of me and willing to end contact with him for his actions), friends ("it's not their business"), job (lots of work to do), etc. He says he stopped IC because he can no longer afford it and will not get back on his high blood pressure meds.

So he's basically PBing everyone from his past. N/C with me, the kids, his family, old friends, etc. And to escape, he and OW are going out of town every weekend into fantasy land, living like a rock star and racking up the credit cards.

My worry -- WH will have a heart attack, mental breakdown or kill himself.

What will make him finally wake up to reality? I know it's not for me to worry about this, but I'm curious what has to happen besides OW not meeting his needs.

Usually it's pain.
Some people are low bottom - meaning they must lose everything before they wake up. (Believer's husband)
Some never wake up - (who wants them anyways?)

I was told by a counselor that it's often the money that wakes them up. So far, WH has gotten away with his extravagant lifestyle with no financial consequences. He's basically robbed Peter to pay Paul and thinks that I don't know this, but I do. And Paul is running out of available funds, so this should stop soon.

As for pain -- yep...WH looked like a kid caught in a lie. All the waywardness splewing out of his mouth seemed a lie. That everyone needs to move on. That we all just need to get over it. That the kids are better off without him in their lives.

Maybe the guilt is getting to him because I'm not there to fill him in on things and give him his family fix. And OW is controlling his every move.

I'm back to dark, dark, Plan B.

Babble back next time

"everyone needs to move on" .... "Yes, far far far away."

"We all need to get over it." .... "I'm taking antibiotics and scrubbing with disinfectant in an effort to get over it."

"The kids are better off." .... "Everyone knows a broken home makes kids feel safer and more loved."

they really are dumb, ya know? Here is proof of how dumb:

Thanks for the babble lesson. I SOOOO need to work on this. I tend to talk too much and too loudly and end up repeating myself when talking with WH. Then he accuses me of either preaching or being a broken record. I need to slow it down....... I need to change ME!

WH emailed me that we can meet tomorrow to discuss finances. But I think its best to stay in dark Plan B for now. He is SOOOOOOOO wayward and SOOOOOOOOO angry that nothing will be accomplished. He will just try to bully me with made up numbers. "Made up" because I'm collecting all the back up numbers and his don't jive one bit. So what would be the point in showing him my pair of A's before the flop?

I'm back in dark B and need to stay there to preserve my sanity. Future correspondences will go through IM.

WH called unexpectedly tonight asking when we could meet to discuss finances. I said I changed my mind.

Then he went on about me meeting with an attorney (saw my cancelled check), credit cards (noticed I'm reviewing transactions on line), kids (still can't understand why DD is trying to save him), taxes, job, etc.

I know I should have cut him off, but I didn't. I kept it business-like and neutral. Every time he mentioned something, I repeated that he's getting just what he wanted.

He complained about people finding out about him filing for D. I said I wasn't lying if people asked. And again -- you're getting what you wanted. Whole conversation was brief.

Funny, WH sounded a lot like H. But I was proud of me for being non-emotional and strong. Now back to dark Plan B.

HH,

It's not a dark Plan B if you keep picking up the phone and talking to him?!?! If your LB is almost on empty then you are taking a huge risk by continuing to have dialogue with a WH. If you still want to save your marriage then be very mindful of this. Otherwise, you will wake up one day and realize you have nothing left in the tank and that you are done. It happened that quickly for me...don't let it happen to you. That's assuming that you want to save the marriage. If not, then why even bother with Plan B? Just go to Plan D.

Mindshare

I am in Plan D, but not by choice. WH has filed and it is moving along. And today I am full of anger. Anger at WH and the mess he's caused.

WH has an adversion to attorneys and does not want me to use one. But I think the real reason is that he doesn't want anyone digging into his financial stuff -- especially since WH got us in deep debt financing his A. His call focused on the fact that I took a chunk of money off a credit line to hold in reserve and he wanted to know what I intended to do with it.

And I agree with you that my LB is pretty much on empty at this point. The reality of the situation is that WH is D-ing me to be with OW. He's left our family to live with her and her 3 kids. He's taken the final step to nail down the coffin.

And I agree that there is no point of talking with him again. I need to go back into Plan B or I will explode with anger everytime I see or talk with him. I hate him!

WH stopped by for me to sign tax return and give me copy of bills. He's moving full steam ahead with the D.

Blames me for the kids ignoring him. Wants ME to put in a good word for him. Relays information from today's Dr. Phil re: kids and divorce. I ask if he watched. No, OW filled him in. Unfreak'in believable!!!

I ask again if he's 100% sure of this and he says "yes."

Ask again why I can't call on his cell and if OW is monitoring his calls. Says he shares all his text messages with her. Again...unfreak'in believable.

I think I'm officially in Plan FU. Why stay in Plan B at this point? To work on me and my LB?

WH is D-ing me. He's ignoring the kids. He's bullying me. He's had 5 false recoveries and always ends up back with OW. They've been together for a year and a half. And now he's sharing our kids' texts with her? I give up!

You've missed the point. All these open activities are doing exactly what you don't want.

Hide any cash that you can. Remain in Plan B.

Do you mean recover my marriage? I think it's dead if I'm really honest with what is going on. And I'm full of rage towards WH.

As for stashing cash, I'm trying but it's been tough since I've been out of work. But I do start a part=time, temp. job next week.

I've started picking up gift cards every time I go to the grocery store. It gets added onto the bill so hopefully WH won't notice these and just think I've purchased an additional $25 of groceries.

Yesterday I ran into OW's BIL at the Dr.'s office. What a small world!!

He purposely sat next to me and asked how I was. I said I'm upset about what's happened to my M and family. Told him that WH is now D-ing me.

Surprise -- he says he does not like my WH. Would rather WH not come to his house anymore. Said even OW's sis is unhappy with situation.

He also said he doesn't approve of the way OW is raising her kids. That recently he had to drive across town to take OW's kids to practice since OW and WH had gone to Vegas yet again. Said WH should be helping with those kids.

Also said he's mad at OW for getting involved with a married man and repeatedly letting him move in with her and her kids. BIL said he was raised to respect marriage and hates to see our family broken up over this. Can't understand how WH could leave a beautiful wife and 3 great kids.

Soooo....maybe some LBing will come after all when it comes to OW's kids and family.

It's been 6 weeks and WH has yet to visit his kids. He's obviously on vacation from being a Dad to his own kids. But if he starts being a dad to her kids, I'll come unglued!!!!

Hey.

A woman with a sense of humour and complemented for her beauty. Your rep is getting better all the time.

What does OW look like?

37 years old, bleached blond 2-toned hair, fake nails, BAD teeth. Yep, I noticed bad teeth in several photos and even WH commented about this.

But -- she sells cosmetics for a living. Yep, drives the black cadillac to boot. So her makeup is impectable. And dresses like a hooker.

Hi HH,

Thought I would take my reply to your post on your thread.



Actually, I have been in Plan B for a very looooong time, it's given me time to heal, and have been open to some contact to settle assets for Plan D.

In your case, I would suggest a very DARK plan B, and the less you know about what your WS is doing the better, so that you can start taking better care of yourself and start the healing process, especially given the crap you had to put up with the past year. If your WS wants a D, get advice from attorney on how best to protect your rights. You really have no control over what your WS does. The sooner you GET THAT the better off you will be. The best you can do, is get OUT OF HIS WAY and let him live out the consequences of his choices.

Should he want to meet your conditions of Plan B again, as already suggested, work with Steve H. to 'monitor' your recovery plan.



HH, I also suggest not wasting your time 'guessing' what and why your WS is thinking, feeling or doing. Use your energy to focus on what YOU need TO DO to protect yourself and your kids' interest, because you can bet on ONE thing only.... your WS is NOT!


In retrospect, it will be easy to think of things a BS could have done differently to contribute in creating a more loving M....however, it would not have necessarily made a difference in WS's behaviour....because a WS's decisions/actions to have an A have to do with WS...his perceptions, his coping mechanisms when under duress, self-knowledge about one's fears, frustrations and expectations, auto-discipline capabilities... so, I hope you aren't just looking for ways to 'beat yourself up' over A...

I have been in Plan B a long time, so, chose no contact with WS, and no other R until D....what did I do? I took it as an opportunity to learn how to better take care of myself, learn how to identify and satisfy needs, mine and those of others, learn about relationships dynamics, and appreciating the presence of family and friends in my life...and so, that's what I encourage you to do...

You haven't been long in Plan B - NC with WS. EXPECT to want to find 'excuses' to speak to WS (just like a WS with OP!) So, please find ways to 'resist' this temptation!

I hesitantly attended a cousin's wedding yesterday. I was worried about how I would react hearing the marriage vows exchanged and seeing the happy bride and groom.

I even bought a new dress and shoes and I looked FABULOUS!

Guess what? I felt good, too. Actually great. Because when I heard the vows I confirmed that I MEANT every one of them when I said them to WH over 23 years ago.

I meant it when I said "in good times and in bad" and foresaking all others. And I meant it when I said we would be together "til death."

The priest talked about marriage -- about putting God first and spouse second. And with God in your life as number 1, everything else falls into place. He also talked about meeting your spouses needs, not being selfish, and how marriage takes work with give and take.

I never broke my vows to H once. NEVER. He broke his vows to me repeatedly. He chose to cheat and lie and break promises of reconciliation. He chose to go outside of our marriage to find some skank to meet his needs. He chose to put aside his morals and beliefs. He chose to leave our kids and destroy our family. He chose to financially crush us. He chose to file for D to end our marriage.

Family members and friends at the reception were so supportive of me and my kids. They are all shocked by WH's actions and HIS filing of D. Especially troubling is that it's been 6 weeks and WH has yet to visit our kids.

Hi Holyheart, glad the wedding went well for you.
About 2 weeks after H dropped the "Im not happy" bomb and wanted to move we went to an outdoor wedding together and I cried during the vows. H was "annoyed" with me. It was like he totally checked out emotionally never to return. He was so up in the fog babble he had visions of a perfect life.

I am glad that you stood strong and getting the support you deserve. This really does beat us down.

T2L told me she has your contact info. Can she give it to me. Our stories are sooooo alike it would like to talk to a kindred soul about this.

take care.

Started part-time job today. It's the same job I had for 16 years before quiting to start a business a few years ago. Lots of familiar faces. Think word is out since no one asked about WH.

I've vowed to not discuss him or D during the 4 hours I'm there each day. I will just focus on the job at hand.

And I opened a checking account today in my name only to deposit my checks.

Yep...I'm preparing for the D.

But...I still hope for a miracle that the darkest of the dark Plan B's will cause WH to wake up. But we're on week 7, WH has filed, he's still not seen the kids, and he doesn't appear to be sliding one bit.

Just wish he hadn't filed so I could Plan B without having to Plan D. Plan D sucks.

HH

It is a difficult road we are traveling but we have to continue to have faith. Some days are worse than others but it is what it is and we both hope that our H's have an awakening.

God is knocking on their doors and if they don't answer I know He will put other roadblocks up. We are on his time schedule not ours. take care. Keep in touch

I know what you are saying, Hope.

I was ready yesterday to confront WH with evidence of financial discrepancies due to his out-of-control spending. Yep -- I was hot. I had noticed large sums of "missing" money and now had the backup to prove it. I wrote out a detailed letter itemizing my concerns and was ready to leave it with WH's mail.

But I stopped. And I prayed. Then I got my answer.

Let the issue go for now. Why? To stop trying to control what I don't have control over. Let God do His work. Let the financial stuff come out when it's time -- like during the D process.

The issue is not going away. It will still be there. Don't worry about pushing it. It will only cause problems. I want to slooooooooooow plaaaaaaaaaay this thing and being too efficient will defeat this strategy.

I need to remind myself of my motto -- to have a "courageous heart and holy patience."

WH stopped by his parents this afternoon to pick up his mail.

FIL says very few words were exchanged. Said WH looked like a hollow man. Wouldn't even look in the face of his mom and dad. Commented on candy and gifts lying around. FIL said "The candy is from your wife. We had a party over here the other night for my 70th birthday."

FIL said WH said nothing. No "Happy Birthday" or even "Go to hell."

He should feel like such a fool to have forgotten his own father's birthday.

OK everyone -- join in -- WH doesn't care about his father or mother or wife or kids. HE ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF.

Hi HH, he really is deep in the fog, almost over the edge. How could he forget his father's birthday.

Makes no sense. Does he see the OW's family? WAS are very selfish and have only their own happiness first. Are you keeping a journal about H's lack of commitment to the kids? You can use in court if need be.

I am sorry for what you are going through. You are doing a great job with your kids. I am really trying also to make some type of happy home for me and D15 with noone around. take care.

Yep, keeping a journal. Day 46 and no visit. Which I think doesn't concern WH since he won't fight for custody anyway justifying it because the kids would NEVER want to live with him. And he wouldn't want the kids anyways because they would cramp his new "no family" lifestyle and "parenting" would get in the way of "partying."

The kids are old enough to choose and they are old enough to attack WH and OW. Thus, he chooses to avoid them instead of disappointing them. His loss.

Talked with T2L this evening. She say, and I agree, that you and I have a lot in common. We do need to talk.

Are you coming out to CA or are you reconsidering? I live a few hours away and can meet up with you guys either at T2L's or half way between.

Sorry you feel so alone where you live. I, on the other hand, have more support than I know what to do with. Everyone -- and I mean everyone -- is on my side and is not afraid to call me or talk with me when I get out. And I'm not very good at keeping this thing under wraps. I feel that I protected WH long enough and its time he deals with the consequences.

My fear is the D and settling of HUGE debt that resulted from the A and WH's new lifestyle. This will get messy.

Seriously, if you are still up and want to talk -- call me on my cell number. Either we can talk or you can continue to mop the kitchen floor. Oh -- wait --that's me -- I need to mop the floor. Then watch "Top Chef" on Bravo. I love that program. And it replays about 3 times, so I can keep it on during the night and, if I fall asleep, I just wake up and hope it's where I left off.

Seriously, I'll carry around my cell this evening so call if you feel like talking with someone.

Went to court today to file response to petition. Was informed that I needed to give copy to WH PRIOR to filing. So I needed another form saying that a third party either served papers to WH or dropped them in the mail. Crap.........

My plan was to file papers today -- Friday the 13th -- the day WH (aka Jason) butchers his W's heart and murders his children. Then have WH served tomorrow, on VD, the anniversary of the infamous Jerry Springer incident when I confronted WH at OW's house and the one time I saw OW.

Sis and BIL have volunteered to go back to the scene of the crime and serve WH. They want to knock on the door, say "Happy Valentine's Day" and hand him the papers saying "You got your messy divorce" since that's what WH said to me one year ago in front of OW's house.

So...we'll see if it works -- if WH and OW are even home tomorrow. My guess is that they will be out of town since Monday is a holiday or laying low at OW's house. WH was never a big fan of the restaurant crowds on VD -- but considering they're a couple now and WH has filed for D -- OW probably wants -- no, will DEMAND -- to go out in public. She wants everyone to notice her and him together. Barf, barf.

So we'll see what happens tomorrow!

Hey there!

I just wanted to pop in and say HI!

I told Hope I'd call her tomorrow on beloved single awareness day LOL. I'll try and give ya a call too.

I haven't caught up on your thread but I just wanted to say hi.

OK I did it. And you can 2x4 me all you want.

I guess I got inspired by T2L's second Plan B letter -- and it being Valentine's Day and all -- AND that today he's being served with my response to his D petition.

So.......I emailed WH a second PBL. OK -- I added some Valentine's sentiment. I do miss him and I told him that.

And, frankly, what do I have to lose? I'm in Plan B but Plan D is in progress. If I want to perserve ANY love for WH, I need to feel that love for him. And composing that letter reminded me of that love.

Sorry if that doesn't jive for some folks, but I felt the need today to remind WH that I love him and miss him and that there is still a path for him to come home despite the D starting.

Valentine's Day comes but once a year. I felt strongly about not letting this day do by without WH thinking of me just a little.

Hi HH, good for you. I gave the same on Thursday (official Plan letter) and made mention of Feb 14 and how he always gave me and our girls flowers and missing our family dinner. So what does he do -- send a text message to both girls -- Happy Valentine's day. I had a cr!ppy day yesterday -- read my sitch.

Good day to contact you. take care.

You sound incredibly strong these days.

How are the kids holding out.

Sis and BIL tried to deliver the D response tonight to WH at OW's house. Noone home. I checked credit card purchases and WH bought gas in another town two days ago. Likely means that WH and OW are out of town yet AGAIN.

Sooooooo......I still believe that Plan B is a vacation for WH. No responsiblities. No wife. No children. No parenting. No chores. No church. No worries. No one judging him. No money problems as long as there's a credit card. Just like Pleasure Island (from the Pinocchio movie).

Just the two of them in their own little world while I TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS AND THE HOUSE AND THE YARD AND THE MAIL AND THE SHOPPING AND THE DRIVING AND A JOB AND EVERYTHING ELSE...AND I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.

CRAP -- I WANT A VACATION, TOO. A VACATION WITH MY HUSBAND. NOT WH BUT MY HUSBAND. BRING HIM BACK, GOD.

Am I bitter? He!! yes I'm bitter. It's freak'in Valentine's Day and they are together and I'm alone here on my computer crying.

NOT FAIR.

Hey, I'm so sorry for you. I think that Plan B is NOT about finding what WH does. I know this must be hard.

If it helps, WH is going to fall. Who will he be going to except you!

I know he will fall to. And it will be on God's time table, not mine.

And it may be after the D. I accept that.

I just have to remind myself that HE is missing out on the good things, too. Like seeing his kids go to the prom, or hearing that DS17 got accepted into a particular college, or that DD15 scored an awesome 3 pointer at her basketball game.

And even last night, Valentine's Day, I was surrounded by HIS family at dinner hosted by in-laws. WH has only OW. And knowing WH, he will get tired of spending time with just her. And the money will run out so the "sugar daddy" fantasy will also bust.

I'm not trying to think of what WH is up to. I just checked yesterday since the plan was to serve him papers on Valentine's Day -- the one-year anniversary of the big blowout at OW's house.

Back to dark Plan B. No expectations, no worries.

Thank God Valentine's Day is over and I don't have to see those sappy Kay Jewelry commericials anymore or be reminded of all the LOVE in the air. Barf.

What am I suppose to be feeling at this point? I'm going through the motions of living without FEELING except for bouts of sadness and tears and disbelief. Just can't stop thinking of WH, OW (winning!), and D -- and how my life has come to a screeching halt into he!l.

I took the kids shopping this weekend. I cleaned the house. I drove around kids. I watched a movie. I'm keeping busy.

But I'm numb inside and scared. Scared that WH is happy with new life. Scared that D will be painful. Scared that I could never attract back WH after A ends.

I feel pathetic.

Holy are you there? Stick with me me girl..

Did you hear, WH and crack ho broke up...

I went through those days of just existing, nothing inside, just existing because I had children.

I felt what I felt. I just allowed what ever feeling was there to be present. I fought it, OMG I fought it, but none of my addictions were running at that point. And all I had was G-d and the relationship I was nurturing with him. Because in the end, EVERYONE can disappoint us, but G-d well he is always here for us. He holds us on these days when we are just numb. He cries when we cries because he knows how deeply we hurt over what has happened. And he wants more for us.

I was scared, I was certain WH was happy in his life. I was scared to file for D. I was scared to move and I was scared to just stand still. But I did move and you know as of Friday he wasn't with crack ho. Now he could be today, I don't know what happened, but what I know is that there was a calm over me because I intuitively knew what to do, how you say. Because I learned to trust G-d and I learned to let go and let G-d have my life and my will and what happens is in his hands.

Knowing me, one would have thought that I would have fallen apart that WH didn't come home after breaking up with her. Or more importantly those who know me would have thought I would be making crazy trying to figure it out, how to get him home, how to make contact... etc....

But the truth is... I have no clue what happened, I don't know what is going on because I'm in Plan B and protected from the chaos, the drama and the toxicity of them.

TRUST G-D....

Trust G-d Holy. I

Ok, I'm better. Thanks, Queenie, for reminding me to turn it over to God when I feel overwhelming dispair -- and to Hope for the phone conversation.

I guess my biggest fear right now is financial. And I can't be dark about digging into finances at this point. I need to protect myself and my children. And the more I find -- Holy Crap, Batman!!!

Big fear -- I found so much A-related debt that I may lose my house during D.

And this thanks to my WH -- occupation -- commerical banker. Former Mr. "Fiscally Responsible and Credit History Guru." Mr. "We have No Debt" during 23 years of M. Mr. "the only debt we have is the mortgage." Yes, surprise, surprise. He ALSO lied to me about our finances.

And he thinks this won't come out during the D that he's pushing? Unless he thinks he can unload 50% on me. Yeah -- right -- in your dreams, Mr. A. Hole.

I only hope that he and OW are prepared to live on "love."

I'm having 2nd PBL remorse. BIG TIME!

NEVER should have sent message on Valentine's Day. I showed weakness. And since D has begun, I showed desperation. What kind of wife sends a "love letter" when WH is with OW, has abandoned his children, and has filed for D? Am I a glutton for punishment?

I know I need help believing I am worthy of more than this. Why do I think that this man will change if I can "just get through to him"? I know better. I cannot change him. He needs to do that himself and it may NEVER happen.

I guess a year of this crap really takes a toll on a person's self-esteem.

That's why Plan B is essential. That -- and GAL.

Plan B is for you, HH, not to get him to do anything. The best thing you can hope for at this point is to show yourself as a capable, loveable, headstrong person who does NOT need him - WANTS him, but does not need him. Human nature, he'll want what he can't have. And you'll be prouder of yourself. You're doing fine.

Hi HH, stopping in to say hi. Have not really posted all day.
I think you did the right thing giving Plan B to H.

As you know I am in the same boat with H deep in with OW and filing for D but I gave him Plan B letter on Thursday. Sure it must have been shocking, maybe they had a good laugh over it but I felt better.

One day at a time, friend, one day at a time.

Thanks, Cat.

I AM capable, resourceful, and lovable....but I'm also frustrated with all the added responsibility of running a household alone and losing my H.

Talking with sister today, I said "How ironic. WH rescues a single mom with three kids who's been hurt in past relationships. He wines and dines her and takes her out of town on vacations. WH provides her and her kids with financial support, protection and affection. He's now the man of the house."

And NOW I'm the single mom with three kids who's been hurt in this relationship. I'm alone with no husband helping with the house, yard, kids, etc. I get zero affection nor vacations. I do not get wined and dined. And I anticipate a huge financial struggle as D moves ahead.

So I'm now in her situation and she's in mine. WH "rescued" a single mom AND he turned me into one. OW essentially stole my life and left me with hers.

The major difference, however, is that I have morals and values and I'm never going to hook up with a married man and break up his family. NEVER.

Hey, Hope:

Thanks for checking in.

I should have treated sending letter like buying a hand gun -- using a mandatory waiting period. That way, I would have had time to reconsider before tapping the "send" button.

But for some reason, I felt compelled to write the letter that morning. Maybe it was God "speaking" to my heart. Just maybe it made WH think of me and miss me.

And just maybe, OW read and got furious. We can only hope.

It sounds like you're doing pretty well, HH. You seem to know what you need to do and why you're doing it. I see you getting emotional and being frustrated and venting, but that's part of the process. The roller-coaster ride.

This is really important. I think the best way to avoid having thoughts about WH fill up your head is to keep busy. Fill your life with as many interesting things to do as you realistically can.

And take care of yourself. Even better if can make some new time-filling activities something that help you, too. I always recommend yoga, because it's been great for me.

Well, this is always a good idea when reacting from emotion (like the massive trigger that is Valentine's Day), but

I don't see this as being a big problem. Jennifer had me doing things like this. The way she put it was "What do you have to lose? The only thing it can cost you is your ego, and we're not worried about that." The trick is to send it without any expectations that it will make a difference. Nothing will penetrate the Fog until he's hit bottom.

And he will. It's not a vacation he's on--it's a giant hole-digging exercise he's on.

Wow, SDGUY. I already feel better.

I did say "What do I have to lose?" when I sent the letter. And if Jennifer says we have to do this some times, then OK -- I did it, I accept responsiblity for it, I have no expectations -- now MOVE ON, Holy Heart.

Got it. Back to the depths of PB.

Well, there's a counterargument, of course--some people will tell you that you should never drop the darkness of your plan B. And that just because Jennifer recommended it for one situation doesn't mean it's applicable for everyone.

My take is that every situation is different. In my situation, it became clear that it didn't really matter what I did--the infidels are going to do what they're going to do, and when the affair dies, it won't be because of anything that I did.

This is especially true for walk-away WS's. I caught up a bit on your thread today but am no expert--it sounds like your WH is more walk-away rather than cake-eating. Does that sound right?

Under those circumstances, the most important thing your Plan B does is protects your willingness to reconcile. You're waiting it out, hoping you're still interested on the day your WH pulls his head out of his [censored].

So, I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

I saw in your thread signs that you want to let go of your WH, but I also see you still attached to him. Thinking about him, wondering what he's doing, probably wondering like crazy whether Plan B is having an effect on him. This is totally natural! But it doesn't help you. That's why I recommended putting something else into your life. The more good things you have going in your life, the less likely it is that those annoying thoughts about WH and OW will creep into your head during the empty moments, and the quicker you will heal.

What kinds of things are you doing to take care of you?

Ah, but YOU don't have a BUS named KARMA heading your way.

And you have the respect and admiration of so many people along with G-d walking with you.

OW has a selfish, self-centered monster who would run out on HIS family, his wife, his children in the blink of an eye.

Yeah, like coaching basketball. I hope your daughter's seasons are going well.

Hey Holy.

Just popping by to let you know I keep up with your thread. Personally I liked Plan B a lot more than Plan A.

Everything you are experiencing is totally par for the wayward course and Plan B.

Stay tough. One way or another your perspective will be far different a year from now and if you focus on your own recovery it will all be good.

-chrisner

You're right. WH is a WAS in a full blown midlife crisis. He wants no responsiblities of wife or kids or home or anything. He just wants OW and a rock star/Viva Las Vegas lifestyle where money is never a problem and there are never any consequenses.

During most of last year, he was definitely a cake eater wanting both lives. But since the last move out and the pressure from OW to just be done with me, he's become a true walk-away moving full steam ahead with the D.

As for keeping busy -- believe me -- I am. This is sad, but today I spent all afternoon writing up testomony to help my sister get an anullment through the church for her divorce resulting from her H's affair. And I didn't cry once as I socked it to my XBIL.

Now -- on to FAFSA forms for DS's college financial aid.

Then -- to Bunco with the girls.

As for basketball, DD15 has one more game tomorrow night. Her team lost by 3 last night. Almost pulled off the upset of the season. DD scored 4, but missed 2 freethrows with 46 seconds left. She was happy they did as well as they did. Tomorrow's team isn't much competition so I hope she has a few more opportunities to score.

And when basketball ends on Thursday, DD begins swim team then on to water polo in the summer.

Gosh -- it's a great distraction to have my kids in sports. Plus it helps sitting by supportive parents who know my sitch and keep me busy.

Thanks for the advice. ALWAYS appreciated.

Hey HH, stopping by to say hi.
Liked the analogy comparing yourself to OW and being in the same position as she was. Wow.

I was feeling like that today also. D28 talked to H today. She asked him what he did over the weekend and he said he played cards with "friends". Well I guess those friends were OW, Ow D and her husband. I felt so sad. That is what we used to do, get together with other couples and have a good time. He replaced me with OW and is now just doing the same things but screwed up drinking, and screwed up his family.

I am so glad my D15 plays soccer also. Love supporting her at the games.

Guess what I did today??? Found cheap tickets for CA! yippee. D15 is excited. We both need to get out of her! Will keep you posted.

Last basketball game of the season. DD's team won 61-6. Whoo-whooo. Now onto swim team tomorrow!

I talked with a friend after the game. She has three DD's playing basketball, and she and her H are very busy watching games 4 nights a week.

We talked about parenting and how our role as parents has changed as our kids got older. We both agreed that it's not quite as much "fun" as it used to be. It's different -- having hormonal teenagers compared to happy-go-lucky little kids. But that's part of life, you accept it, and you plow along.

And we talked about WH and how he just stopped being a parent. He quit. He quit when the kids grew up and weren't as much fun. Just like he quit on our M -- when it got stale and wasn't as much fun.

Believe me -- pre A, WH really played with his kids. He read them bedtime stories. He wrestled with them on the living room floor. He coached their teams. He played ball in the yard. He taught them to surf. He taught them to play poker. He was the dad always doing stuff with his kids and his nieces and nephews.

Then -- then -- the kids grew up. And they got more independent. And he started the A. And he disconnected. He said "the kids don't need me anymore. They've got their own lives and would rather spend time with their friends." This wasn't true; they just needed him in other ways.

The kids didn't do anything wrong. They just grew into teenagers. And instead of WH adapting like the rest of us parents do, he took that as another "justification" to leave his old life for a new one.

Same for our marriage. It's not the same as when we started dating at 15. Our relationship changed. It grew up. It wasn't as much fun as when we were younger. I admit it. But instead of WH adapting like couples do, he took that as an excuse to find someone else -- someone younger.

I guess he got bored with his life and with me and the kids. And instead of accepting this bordom or doing something to revitalize these relationships, he bailed. He exited. He gave up. He moved on.

I didn't do anything wrong.

OK-- trying to fill out DS's college financial aide form and needed numbers. Asked IM to check with WH.

Also looked for DS's savings account information. Found out that over half of account is missing. WH withdrew it. So I sent several text messages to get to the bottom of it.

Here are my 6 text messages followed by WH's responses:

1) Did u put back the $XXXX you took out of DS's account?
2) Why not back in acct? And wheres the other money?
3) Want to move all kids money out of that bank.
4) Because I don't trust you. We're at different tables.
5) Its the kids money I brought up. Our money is another story.
6) WE matched half of it. It was a communal expenditure.

Now, here's WH's text messages:
1) Yes, money I loaned to John [a friend] and he paid back. Did not put back in account. Put in joint account. Why?
2) Because there r better reasons not to keep in trust account. I also loaned John $XXXX in December to be paid back this month. Nothing funny going on. I got ur response. We will need to discuss. Also faxed info to IM regarding aid info u wanted.
3) Why
4) OK. We need to get into court. Keep thinking small and make something where nothing exists and we can let the judge decide what u end up with.
5) I'm not going to steal the kids money especially since I matched half of it.

OK -- I asked where DS's money was. And WH's tone escalated with each text.

Any advice besides not trying to talk ANY finances with him? I tried to stay dark but these forms need to be completed. And WH is shifting/hiding/loaning/spending/gambling (pick whichever)our money and NOW DS's money.

He filed, I responded. Now do I play offense or defense?

HH, I am concerned about your H's financial situation, he is really out of control with money and taking it where he can find it. Like my H, who is an alcoholic and is addicted to both drink and the OW; your H is addicted to the gambling and the OW.

Was your H starting to gamble heavily and then found the OW or found the OW and started to gamble? Since Ow seems to condone his gambling (lots of trips to Vegas), it is another way to pull him away.

Go to the bank, move the kids money out of there before he goes and takes it. Go to a different bank put the money in your kids and your name ONLY. H is raping and pilaging everything you both worked for. Maybe go to atty and get temporary papers for the financial part. I think H is in deep and that is why he is avoiding his family. I think he is crashing with the debt and feeling guilty. You have to protect your family. He is incapable.

Right you are, Hope.

His anger at a simple request leads me to believe that something much bigger is below the surface. He's reacting like a caged animal. And if he thinks this financial stuff will be swept under the rug, he has another thing coming.

As for moving the kids money, I may not be able to get to it. He has it in an account with him as the trustee. So he may be the only one able to close the account. I need to keep pushing him or wait and get a court order.

Orrrrrr..... tell the kids about it and let them go after their dad for raiding their money! [I'd love to do this but it would hurt the kids more than WH since WH's still boycotting the kids and all parenting responsibilities.]

Remember -- WH's a banker. He knows the "tricks of the trade." I've had some friends criticize me for not keeping an eye on my finances. But I compare it to having a husband who's a plumber by trade. You don't fix the pipes, he does because that's his area of expertise. So my WH is a finance guy, and for the past 23 years he's done the banking and bill paying and kept us out of debt.

Now he's out of control and playing dirty. He's stooping to lows even I thought he couldn't go to. He's not just an alien, he's an alien with a deathwish.

And maybe he's covering for a huge gambling debt. More than likely, though, he's hiding the high cost of the A and the debt he racked up trying to impress POSOW while supporting two families.

Hi Holy,

In the beginning I read the similarities and just couldn't imagine that my WH was just like the rest. But I have to admit between you and Hope I am really grasping how waywards are ALL the SAME.

They are SICK, POISON, ICKY and DESTRUCTIVE to the family unit.

Are you in Plan B?

Yes, Plan B. Actually, Plan D since WH filed and I responded.

IM contacted him directly today for financial stuff related to DS's college financial aid. But upon discovering missing money, I had had enough. So I contacted WH via text to inquire about it. And, well, he reacted like a raving lunatic. And he knows me -- so he should know that I'm smarter than the average bear and starting to find financial discrepancies that will BRING HIM DOWN.

Interesting that now my obsessions are about money. I could care less that he and OW are scr3w1ng the hell out of each other every morning, noon and night. Who freak'in cares anymore? They deserve each other.

I'm just pissed that he's finally scr3wing me -- but not in a good way. He's messing with my money and the kids' money. And it's not a lot of money -- really. It's the principle of the matter.

And as for "my money" -- I have none. WH is trying to leave me with HUGE debt that I need to protect myself against. I'm not going to get saddled with costs that can be considered "community waste." (Learned that term on-line. It's expenditures by one spouse that were not for the benefit of the marriage. And guess what? Gambling losses fall under this.)

So I'm learning new skills. Lucky me!

Oh yes, we all learn those skills that we never really knew we needed. Because we are SURVIVORS and GODDESSES.

I too didn't imagine WH messing with the money, but true to wayward alienship, mine took on that same role as everyone else's.

That's truly the beauty and the sadness. The wayward mind is predictable, sick, toxic, dangerous and a threat to our well being. But it seems to be all the same. So what can isolate us into disbelief that the men we once loved are these foreign monsters who do mean and hurtful things, we can take a huge comfort that we all have gone through it at one point and can share our experience on how we walked through that one part.

The advice we get to help us survive, will become the wisdom you have to help someone else when then come after you and sadly it will happen.

If I may be so humble as to offer one suggestion. The wayward mind thrives on chaos because an addict needs that for whatever reason. I wish I knew because being an addict myself, I could stop it when I first notice it. They create chaos to survive, they create chaos to pull us back into the drama of their life.

If you can somehow cleanly disengage yourself from that, you will be better off in the long run. I just learned this week that there is a strong possibility WH broke up with crack ho. Don't know if its long term, permanent or just more chaos. Before Plan B, you can bet your sweet drink that I would have been moving heaven and earth to figure it out, make it work to my advantage, etc. Today, I understand that my D might still happen, but what even more amazing has happened, even through a D, I am prepared to take that man back should he decide to give me another chance.

I, like Hope and you believe you love your H and would like him to come home under the right circumstances. Try to keep in the back of your mind, Plan B will protect you even if you get to Plan D. Because it protects any love you have left for your H, should the WH disappear and the H show back up.

You really are doing amazing. It's not something we got a manual in high school for.... Either that or I was out at the tracks smoking weed during that lesson

Protection of your assets should be first. Let your lawyer do these.

Speak to him yourself about restoration of the marriage. Let the lawyer cover all the other details that forms divorce. This way when he speaks to you, he knows that he is not talking to a lawyer but a lover.

Between the two of you his way will be reduced and you will become the only option.

Darn those roller coaster dips. Woke up this morning and the waterworks just started.

Can't shake the sadness. Just can't shake it. I feel beat up. And this is only the beginning.

I understand about getting the attorney to talk about the money part. But the kid part is what's on my mind right now -- and the ME part.

DD17 got home late last night from visiting a boy "friend." Late as in 1:30. Way past curfew. And she didn't answer the phone when I called.

All of this -- crap -- falls on my shoulders. And more crap to follow while WH emjoys his vacation and his "stick it to you" attitude. He's just thinking of ways of breaking me.

Sorry Holy.

Have a home meeting - tell them your not coping without the loss of dad and that you need their help.

Play open cards without knocking dad.

Yes, thanks for the reminder. "Family meeting" is in order.

And more texts with WH today. His numbers didn't jive and I needed to get the form completed today.

His response: "Did my best."

My response: "That's your best? Whatever. You don't give a chit. Fine."

End of war.

And why would I think he cares? Day 56 and he hasn't seen the kids, but he's been to Vegas 3 times and the beach once. And -- he's threatening me financially.

What love am I protecting in Plan B? I hate this WH and his FU attitude. And I'm suppose to remind the kids that he loves them? BS.

Cry. Angry. Mellow. Cry. Angry. Mellow. Cry. Angry. Mellow. Stop it. Stop it.

Not a roller coster but a merry-go-round.

No, don't say that. Say that the actions he has done is wrong. It is your hope that he will return to the old dad.

Encourage thoughts of old dad.

Old dad was such a good dad. Loved like crazy by his kids and respected by EVERYONE.

New dad is an idiot. He's so full of himself.

DD15 texts him nightly "Are you yourself tonight?" She misses him so much. And the other two have pretty much given up.

He has abandoned them everyway except financially. And with him "lending" out their money to a "friend"...I guess he's failed there, too.

Never, never in a BILLION YEARS would I have imagined this man turning into the monster of today.

He's had A, abandoned us, lied, stole money, incurred unimaginable debt, bullied, alienated his family and friends, ruined his reputation...the list goes on.

As Taylor Swift sings "Was it worth it?"

And didn't Sara Evans sing "When You Were Cheating"?

I have a feeling that's how this will end up. The karma bus is coming!

I wanna drive! ....I don't have a license though.

And may the bus be long, and heavy, and -- oops -- aimed at OW's ugly-a$$ face at the same time. ALL ABOARD...

Wait. How come you don't have a license since you are the bus driver? Your name is "Karma S. Rose", right? How much longer before you get your license, buy a bus, drive to California, and run over my WH? I need to know so I can plan accordingly. You know, like, do I just buy the one plot or two?

I should hit sometime in the next six months to a year.

Maybe just one plot. You can dump both bodies in it. ONE of you has to conserve their money!

Hi Holyheart {{{{hugs}}}}}, tried to contact you. Can see you are having a tough day. I am so sorry. I will be up late tonight.

WH saying it was the "best" he could do with the financial stuff. WTH...he is a BANKER! poor excuse. What bank does he work for so I NEVER go there.

As for your D17..she is using this situation to her advantage. bigtime Family meeting...pull the cell phone. That always kills my D15. We try to be both mother and father to our kids but they are teenagers. Always pushing buttons.

Pull that karma bus, I have some carcasses that I can throw in. One is mostly plastic... take care..

Maybe I'll get a VW Bus (van?)

I will now offer translator services as well as Karma bus tours!



Holy, I'm doing what I want, be quiet so I can keep doing it.

Hey, Hope:
Got your messages. Went to mass then to SILs with DD15. Ended up renting a moving, picking up cold medicine for DD AND chocolate, and finally dinner at McDonalds at 10.

When they say "keep busy" I try to do what I can -- especially on a Saturday night. Getting out of the house ANYWHERE sure makes me feel better.

Sunday should be a day for yardwork, but not if it rains.

Yep, I was down earlier. Actually down, then up, then down, then up, etc. Helps talking it out. SIL is a good listener. She's married to my BIL -- WH's brother. Actually, SIL and BIL divorced about 8 years ago, but got back together after about a year. They realized it was easier and better to stay together for their girls -- who were little at the time. Their girls are now 16, 14, and 12. And SIL and BIL get along fine.

So there is hope after D. But there never was an OP in their marriage. SIL just got fed up with BIL and all the time he spent away from the family.

Hope and Holy,

I forgot to mention that all this is done in G-ds PERFECT TIMING.

Keep to your side of the street. Protect yourselves, love on yourselves and let G-d have the WH's.

G-d is hurting over THIS way MORE than you could EVER understand. TRUST him. Keep FAITH he is working to turn this all to good.

My kids are hurting as well.

DS17 pulled the same trick as DS16. Text at 11:30 that he was at friend's house playing video games. I fell asleep. He texted again at 2:30 that he was staying for the night.

So both kids are rebellioning. And DD15 is sending her nightly "Are you yourself today" messages to WH. DD15 just got a boyfriend, too.

Day 57 and no contact between WH and kids except the occasional text message.

I want to intercede. I want to call WH and ask that he take the kids out to lunch or whatever and spend time with them.

WHAT DO I DO? NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR THE KIDS?

YOU STAY OUT OF IT.

I had the same thoughts and desires, but the TRUTH is, that's HIS relationship with the KIDS. Not yours.

Unfortunately the burden of raising the kids becomes YOURS and I encourage you to find the strength to be resourceful and help teach the kids when life treats you like .... ICKINESS... you find a way to survive.

Of course the kids are hurting, and its only NATURAL for us to want to protect them, take care of them and fix things. BUT, I implore you to grasp this is THEIR journey too. G-d doesn't have grandchildren. He will be there for the kids too.

Mark taught me to turn to G-d and have him be my husband. I talked to G-d about what to do, how to help the kids, I prayed for the kids.

BUT I STAYED OUT OF IT....

Be VERY VERY CAREFUL about this! Fathers abandoning adolescent/teen daughters is the number one reason such girls turn to rebelling, drugs, alcohol, and SEX. Set up HUGE rules about this.

NO guy at home without you there. No outside dating until YOU are ready. He can come to your house but she can't go anywhere else. If she says she's going to a friend's house, you CALL that friend's parent to make sure she's there. Please be careful!

Hi Holyheart, hugs to you. I know how difficult it is with one but three kids and no contact with Dad. Truly sad.

I talked to my cousin today and she said her daughter was e-mailing D15 and that she sounded depressed over her father. I have initial meeting with IC for her in a week.
Our your kids going to counseling at all. I think it will be a good thing. Sometimes us Catholics try to work things out on our own and never ask for help. They are crying for help in their own way.

As for talking to WH, look what good it did me. I had that heart to heart with H on Friday, tears in his eyes. What did he do this weekend??? Nothing - Zero - not even a text message. So have to agree with Queenie will do no good trying to talk to him in Fog country.
My friend made a good point to me last week, I was feeling sorry for myself about D15 and everything on my shoulders. She said "God entrusted you with taking care of D. God knows that H is incapable right now and he gave you that privilage to take care of her in spite of H. "

How true. Take care. Let me know how you make out with the kids.

OK-- WH and DD15 spent some time together today. First time in 57 days that they've visited, although she did see him at one of her basketball games in January.

After I posted this morning, I talked with DD. I said I knew how much she was missing WH and suggested that she ask him to get together with her today. She told me that she didn't want to talk about it, so I left it alone.

About an hour later, she pops in my room to tell me that WH was picking her up for lunch. So they left together. I stayed out of sight.

She's at grandparents now, so don't know how it went.

Other kids did not see WH. DS17 was here doing homework, and DD16 was at church meeting.

All DD15 said was they went to Taco Bell and WH let her practice driving. That's it. Otherwise, she seemed to be in a good mood.

As for the family meeting -- DS17 was angry and short with me. He didn't want me to ruin dinner by talking about things like curfew and boyfriends while he was eating.

Then he said that it didn't matter what I said, he was going to stay out as late as he wanted. He said that WH had said that senior year he would have no curfew. I started to say -- but he jumped in to mimic me -- "Dad's not here. He doesn't live here anymore."

Then he said I don't enforce curfew anyway. [I guess this is true. I'm pretty flexible if they have a good reason for being late or staying longer to finish watching a movie or something.] I said I'd start grounding him from his truck if he continued to not follow my rules.

He did make one comment about living in this "house of girls." And I feel for him. He and WH were so close until the A was exposed over a year ago. Now there is nothing between the two of them -- absolutely nothing.

And WH had opportunity after opportunity to repair their relationship. And WH repeatedly told me that I could have done more to fix it (like it was my fault!). But repair could never have happened if WH thought he might -- just might -- choose the OW over me.

So...I should have known all along that that "lack of effort" to fix his relationship with his son was the true test as to whether he was commited to fix it with me. But me -- being in denial and hopefulness -- I told myself that if the relationship between WH and me gets fixed and back on track, then the kids would follow. The M needed to get healthy first.

Boy, was I looking at the wrong dial!

A soft answer turneth away wrath.

That soft answer your son needs to hear is that while he's right - dad doesn't live here anymore, doesn't mean that basic fundamental rules of conduct and respect are gone. That you haven't enforced curfew because he's a good son and hasn't needed a harsh hand, and you hope that this trust can continue to be in your relationship. He needs to know that you trust that while he's very angry about things, he won't compromise himself by all of a sudden being a disrespectful and self destructive "child" - that you are there for him to vent and express his frustrations. That you recognize that he needs more from you than in the past, and that you are stepping up to do that - hence the boundaries AND the trust that he will not demean himself. Let him know how proud you are of him - he needs to hear it because deep down, he's feeling he didn't measure up to dad cause dad left - so why try.

Thanks for the advice, KA.

No fallout from the family meeting. I think DS17 may have been venting since WH made an effort to only see DD15 on Sunday but no one else. WH knows that DD15 is the softy of the bunch and the others will be hard nuts to crack.

And I am so very proud of DS and the girls. They are helping more around the house. DS just got another college acceptance, DD16's basketball coaching job ends this week, and DD15 just started on the swim team. And they're all keeping up their grades. And I do tell them how proud I am of them. We are all adjusting to life without Dad.

And if I'm really honest about it, they are much more relaxed without Dad around. It was difficult for all of us living in the same house with him once the A was exposed. Likely because he was still wayward and selfish and not committed to making our family his priority. WH changed soooooooo much from the man he used to be. Amazing how an A steals a man of his goodness and leaves behind a stranger.

I will work on speaking softly, KA. This can be one of the self-improvement areas I actively work on during this Lenten Season.

Who was it that said...speak softly and carry a big stick?

You just do that.


Things will fall into place.

You should discuss this with DS17, and tell him that you think it's because he's such an honorable and strong person, that his dad is afraid to face him. He could probably use some strokes about now.

Agree with cat on that one. I notice that when D28 talks to her father and D15 finds out about it, she gets a little chip on her shoulder. I know she is angry at him but she does love him. But I think it will be a very long time before and ever she reconciles with him and H is starting to realize that.

Teenagers can be tough. But you are doing a good job keeping them grounded while their father is in lala land.

I'm trying to protect finances -- well -- what little $ that's left.

IM not available, so I sent simple text to WH this morning: "Status of tax return?"

Turned into a 2 page text tirade. Said I was being a "busy little bee" digging into finances. Said to watch how hard I push him. Said it can be done the easy way or the hard way.

OK -- I just wanted to know status of tax return. But I guess I know the answer. He's pissed return away ($11K) either gambling or trying to impress OW or supporting his second family. Either way, I won't be seeing my share anytime soon.

So do I do something about it now? MB'ers say to let him push through the D. Let him do the leg work. But protect finances.

Legal advice, anyone?

Is it really a "moot" point since I know how much the tax return is and it will all get settled when we get to court? I know tax returns are considered a community asset and I'm entitled to 50%.

Do I just be patient, document what I can, work with attorney when needed, and don't push for the money now? In other words, he can't really "steal" it because he'll end up owing it to me eventually? Or am I being naive that this will even come up in court?

And he's being so ANGRY at a little question. Me think he protests too much. He's acting like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar. Is this good?????

I guess I'm ready to move from Plan B to Plan FU.

OK -- WH filed for D and I responded. And I'm staying dark except for inquiry regarding tax refund.

Tax refund should have arrived and was to be directly deposited into WH's account. BIG MISTAKE that I didn't catch this when I signed the return. Should have had check sent instead since that would have required both our signatures to cash. {NOTE TAX LESSON FOR OTHER BSs}

My fear is that WH is gambling or spending the money on OW, and if I don't get my share right away, it will disappear. So I started with a simple "Status of tax refund?" text message which he responded in a non-answer and a tirade. Then I sent an email thinking this would at least provide documentation that I sent another request. This resulted in an even worse tirade.

WH says he's basically keeping all $11K for "bills." He had told me that we would split the refund, but told his dad that he wanted all to go to DS for college. Either way -- HE LIED... He's now keeping it for himself to do with however he wants.

Now what do I do?

Oh -- and his response included other things, too. He said he's going to fight me for 50/50 physical and legal custody of our kids -- 3 teenagers-- who he abandoned 2 MONTHS ago. And I really mean abandoned since he hasn't even seen the kids since he left. He did pick up DD15 last weekend, but hasn't laid eyes on the other two. And no phone calls ever -- Only a few sporadic texts.

I'm been patient. He filed and I responded. Wanted him to make the next move. Follow MB advice -- let him do the leg work. Just protect my finances.

So obviously he's angry that I'm asking the whereabouts of $11K. And I know for a fact that he's spent thousands and thousands already on her -- what's another $11K?

So---DO I CONTINUE TO PLAY DEFENSE OR DO I STRIP THE BALL AND START PLAYING OFFENSE???

Even my in-laws are pushing me to play offense. They want me to haul their son into court, get my half of the tax return, get temporary spousal/child support and attorney fees, and get going on the D. The attorney is waiting for my go.

Man -- H is not even recognizable in WH. And I still can't understand his anger--his threats--his defensiveness. HE HAD THE AFFAIR AND CHOSE THE OW. HE LEFT THIS HOUSE. HE HASN'T SEEN THE KIDS. HE FILED FOR DIVORCE. What more does he want?

He's being a bully because I'm defending myself, I guess. But how long before he implodes? Common sense tells me to stop being stupid. To wise up, and get the attorney on board and go for the jugular. But my stupid, stupid, dead heart still carries a thread of hope that he's starting to hit rock bottom financially and all hell will break lose soon enough.

Hi HH, think you need to be more agressive because I don't want you to go bankrupt.

Princess meggy might have some good ideas. Praying for you. take care.

Yep, Hope, I need to play offense.

And I need to do some other things as well. I need to go dark and stay there. Every time I communicate a little with WH, it turns into a war. So no more emails or texts or anything. Let IM or attorney handle everything from now on.

I also need to stop obsessing about this D. It will happen. I accept that. I do have to fact find her and there, but right now I'm spending waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy too much time on it. Last night I stayed on computer until 1 a.m. going through sections of the Family Law code. Yep -- I want to be prepared, but I'm turning this into a mission to defend myself for what he did.

Assessment of love bank balance? Under a dollar. Only a few pennies left.

How do I feel? Actually -- empowered that I'm prepared. Empowered that WH is digging his own grave. Empowered that I have a job and some cash on hand. Empowered that I know parts of the law that will KILL WH in court and I'm not telling.

I have changed. I have grown. I am not the same beatened down woman of a year ago.

HERE IS SCHOOLBUS' READ.

Me: Status of tax refund please.

WH: U never respond when I ask a question. I'm going to act like a little teenager for a moment here.

WH: Sooner or later we need to discuss finances. I no u been a busy little bee working and digging up whatever u can find. I know you've been spying on me, going through my paperwork, and it is bugging me to no end. I feel like I have too many skeletons in my closet and I am worried that my efforts to hide things haven't been good enough, and I don't like that you are trying to find things out about my life. I want to do what I want to do.

Just be careful how hard u want to push me. The easier way or the harder way. It will be up to you mostly. This is of course a threat. But, he tries to put it on you - "It is up to you mostly". He's trying to tell you that if you do things HIS WAY then he will play nice. Don't believe him. He is a liar. The threat about being careful how hard you push him is that he is very angry about things, and why he is angry comes in the next paragraph. He's got money problems.

All I no rt now is that I have to work harder than before and I am making sure all is paid. See here? Money problems. That's why he's riled up and angry. His AFFAIR IS COSTING HIM MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR. This was not accounted for in the fantasy. The OW had him convinced this would be all "friendly", and turns out, she was wrong, wasn't she?

Me: Why all the anger? I just asked a question.

WH: Not angry in the least. Nothing like a shot of denial, is there? Just working very hard. Have a good day. I can only imagine the tone of voice or look on his face when this came to mind. The body language DEFINITELY defies the meaning. Sarcasm at it's finest.

Me: Leave a check for me or deposit in my checking. Thanks.

WH: For what and how much. Here is where HE is trying to dig up information on YOU. WH: How much is your new job paying per month.


And hey, maybe the two of you need to work something out regarding your monthly exchange of money, so he doesn't get information on what you're spending, and so these exchanges don't carve into the love bank deposits.

IS HE HITTING ROCK BOTTOM YET, FOLKS? I'm afraid that this indicates he has NO love left for me.

I've asked SchoolBus to look at another exchange. More threats.

Holyheart, YES... give your attorney the go ahead. You have to remember that you are NOT dealing with your husband here. You are dealing with WH and he could care less about what is fair, right or just.

Get a TRO in place IMMEDIATELY! Protect your finances. You ARE entitled to 1/2 of the tax return and he should either pay it NOW or have the judge order him to pay it in any divorce settlement.

He doesn't want 1/2 custody, he wants to avoid child support!

I don't think he's hit bottom yet, he's too arrogant still. Show him what this divorce will cost him.

Stop communicating with him at all! Let your IM handle anything non-legal and let your attorney handle the legal communications. He doesn't get to hear, see or experience any part of you in Plan B.

(((Holyheart)))

Good. It will hurt, too. But keep in mind that your life is the one that's going to get better, not his.

Nope. He hasn't hit rock bottom yet. And he won't any time soon. You know this. You don't want it to be true, but you know this.

That's true, because you're dealing with 100% WH, who is a disastrous excuse for a human being. He has the inverse-Midas touch. You want nothing to do with this person. Interacting with him will only make you miserable.

You want to talk with your H, who probably does still have love left for you, but he's not available right now. It looks like he won't be available until more divorce stuff happens, so you should go ahead and protect yourself and your finances for the sake of your kids. Do it without anger if you can and without communicating with him wherever possible. Maybe you will get to see your H some day down the road. At the moment, you need to protect yourself from this WH [censored].

Yeah, this is why you need to stay dark. Any communication drains it, because you're dealing with a WS.

ANY time you are tempted to contact him, stop. Take a deep breath. Then ask yourself why you're doing it. You have to be honest with yourself here--if the real reason is that you want to see whether or not he's still wayward, then you don't do it. If it has anything like "want him to see that" in it, it's LB-ing, so don't do it.

If you still have a legitimate purpose, remind yourself with whom you're dealing (a WS). Then ask yourself "is there any chance that I will get the result I'm hoping for here?"

This is especially good for dealing with triggers, when the WS does something stupid/hurtful/insensitive and you get that adrenaline rush of wanting to reach out and set things right. Do this instead.

Sorry, HH. Where you are sucks, but I promise you that it will get better.

HH

Sdguy:

You are right on the money with your assessment of me. I do hope to catch a glimpse of H during interactions. We were together for 30 years, so he's a hard habit to break. Need to be dark -- not just kind of dusk.

And your suggestion for triggers -- I used it. WH sent me a monthly expense sheet showing our bills vs. income. OK -- load of crap. He's underestimateing his income and overestimating bills to justify him keeping the tax return. I wanted to call him so bad but stopped and asked myself "What will this accomplish?" I KNOW I'd be talking to arrogant WH -- the same bully who sent me the threatening texts and emails. So why bother. Let it go. And I did. Yeah -- Holyheart!!!

And I made appt. with attorney for Monday. So.....the coin is flipped....I yell "heads"...heads it is....and I choose to start on offense. I want the ball. I want to call the plays. I want to score. I'm ready to lead my team of 4.

OK -- I'm a little delusional at the moment. Stayed up until 2 a.m last night proofing research paper for DS17.

Thanks, again, SdGuy and all of you who share your advice. I really do appreciate it.

Holy, this is one of the HARDEST things we have to come to accept and grasped.

I had so many doubts until recently if there was any love left for me. Clearly there IS, but it's hidden deep and WH is just simply still way in control. I even tempted my thinking to possibly come out of Plan B and do a strong Plan A again. I know I have it in me, but what would it solve, would it prolong? Ultimately we have to realize that these are hurting human beings who are just plain destructive and there is NOTHING we can do for them.

I have seen so much this past week. I have truly grasped how WH is NO DIFFERENT than any other TYPICAL wayward... It just hurts more because it's mine. Getting through this IS hard, it's not what we wanted, but we can and do get through it.

Good for you for letting go... I used to wake up in the morning and thanked G-d for taking care of WH. It helped me to continually let go. You are doing incredible Holy. Be kind to yourself.

I fought a true dark Plan B tooth and nail. It wasn't what I wanted, but I didn't it because I kept the light hidden on the goal. Surviving An Affair.... So can you...

Thanks, Queenie.
Plan B would be easier if it weren't for Plan D. And it will get better -- one way or another.

You have to proceed very carefully.

It just amazes me, whether people have been married 3 years or 30 like you have.

It amazes me that these angels, with the help of an OW or OM, can change so drastically.

What causes this? Your WH used to be a good person, you say. How could one woman so change him?

I never thought my H would change the way he has. He is truly unreachable. I have lost my connection with him.

I do believe that they are addicted to these relations and they all follow the same script.

It is a tragedy and wrecks families.

Great job, HH! That strategy for dealing with triggers comes straight from Jennifer. She recommended making up a little card to carry around so that you're ready whenever/wherever the trigger hits you.

Anyway, keep up the good work! It will get better.

Sorry about the job, SDGuy. It will get better for you too.

My brother went to school at USD, so I have fond memories of trips to SD. DS17 applied there, and he's hoping to hear soon. Price tag is a bit high given my sitch. Wouldn't have been a problem if WH hadn't maxed out the home equity line. Our plans were always to have that $ available for college. Oh, well, DS may end up at CalPoly SLO instead.

Same ocean. Fine with me. I'm looking forward to some trips next year.

Thanks, HH.

I'm doing pretty well. It's well past time for a change for me, and I'm confident that things will work out well for me.

USD seems to be a pretty nice school. Sometimes I think about trying to get a job teaching there.

No news today. Yesterday, WH emailed me HIS VERSION of our monthly budget showing how our expenses exceed our income. Hummmmm....But he failed to include the trips and gifts and stuff he's spent on POSOW and her kids.

Then he texts me last night asking me again for my "monthly gross income." I won't respond. Why bother? Especially since he fails to see that HE and his AFFAIR are the cause of our money problems. Not the attorney I need to hire. Not the increase in the electricity bill he blames on the kids leaving the lights on on purpose (true story!). Not the costs DS charged to the credit card for on-line college applications. Not the freak'in $300 yearly charge for Sparkletts water.

WH continues to blame everyone but himself for our financial situation. He fails to take ANY responsiblitity. Why would he? Like he's said dozens of times -- It's HIS money...HE'S the one with a job. And, frankly, I've come to a BIG revelation. This divorce may just be a blessing in disguise. This way, WH is saddled with HIS debt and paying spousal and child support, and then he can leave with a huge burden in his pocketbook.

And even if....BIG if.....we were to get together after the divorce, the debt would still be HIS debt, not mine. His penalty for playing with fire.

Hope your son has put in for scholarships and grants.

Yes, Believer, we have. Hopefully one or more will pan out. Will also look at student loan if DS goes out of town.

Just hate, hate, hate the fact that this should be a joyful time for WH and I as parents to be proudly helping DS decide on colleges. WH has washed hands of DS and the rest of us. And I try to make up for this, as do other family members. WH's parents have been AWESOME!!!!!!

Hi Holyheart,
Your right the waywards suck the life out of good things. Do you hear that whoooshh of taking the joy out of the college search for son.

You are doing the right thing. I am praying for you.

Glad you got the atty. definitely need it for peace of mind and pulling the money strings away from OW.

Hi Holy,

I haven't been around much but you really sound good. Seem to becoming more focused on what you can do and what you can't. Remember this is a process that takes its own time.

The most comforting fact that you mentioned is that waywards seem to be so predictable. The blame, they hurt, they destroy, they make us with their actions.

It's a blessing to watch your growth, keep up the hard work GAL...

Friend let me know that OW has a FacePage, and she's posted pictures of her and WH. I felt that sickening hurt deep in my stomach -- how can they act like a normal couple?

I didn't want to look -- but had to. Went to my sister's house and had her look for me first.

OMG -- 3 photos of them together. One even has the caption "Happy Valentine's Day to Us."

But I did laugh. OMG -- WH and OW are wearing matching outfits in 2 of the 3 photos. One outfit is orange and brown (ug!) and the other is black and white with jeans.

I mean, really, folks -- she's now DRESSING him??

And she also had posted photos from her sister's wedding where she was the Maid of (Ho) Honor. Someone asks if she'll be next and she replies "no" that she'd always just be a bridesmaid.

PLEASE -- she's been married twice. What's a third time with WH?

I would have loooooooovvvvvvved to have posted a message calling her every skanky name in the book. But it may get back to me via my email.

I know...Plan B...stop snooping. But what a wealth of information I may find by checking her posts. Information is POWER...and I'm a BUSY LITTLE BEE anyways with all my snooping and such. Nice to know where MY money is being spent. Especially since OW posted how she was hanging out at the spa at the RITZ CARLTON.

Holy, crap. I've never been to a Ritz Carlon in my life. And we're in debt. I guess WH lives on fantasy money as well.

WH has phoned or texted me nearly daily asking how much my new job is paying.

Would it be bad to respond the next time -- "Enough to take care of cash needs for the kids but not enough for a stay at the Ritz Carlton."

Wow -- I guess I really am in Plan FU.

Tell him you make just enough to make him ask questions.

NO!! You do NOT RESPOND AT ALL!!! Don't do it!! DO NOT DO IT!!

A. You'll give him a fix.

B. You'll let him know he's gotten under your skin and that you've seen the photos.

Do NOT respond!! You WILL regret doing so!!

Charlotte

DITTO

P.S.) DO NOT RESPOND!!

Hey HH, tell him "what job" pretend you got fired. So he won't think he will get part of that windfall. Can't wait for you to get to the Atty.

Run off the pictures from Facebook. Even though your state is a no fault state, it still will help with D.

You guys are no fun!

We are so!!!

We're more fun than 40 clowns in a chicken bucket!!

I have no idea what that means. Clowns and chickens...hummmm...

Would it be alright if I have someone post awful stuff about OW on her Facebook?

Like ask about her and her FATHER since WH looks quite a bit older than her?

Huh? Or...as I am always reminded...take the high road...be classy...

Heck...I HATE THE HIGH ROAD. I WANT TO GET IN THE MUD WITH THE PIGS ONCE IN A WHILE. I HATE OW!!!!!

Nope! No mud and no pigs!!

In plan B, arent you supposed to not be finding out what is going on with the wayward and all that? Work and focus on you?

I know, I know...

But I'm in Plan D and WH is screwing me financially. You would not believe the stuff I've uncovered.

So...I need to snoop to find out what I can. As for "protecting my love" and all that -- well, that's all fine and dandy if WH wasn't messing with me and the kids. But he started the war.

Am I suppose to "play nice" during Plan D or protect myself?

I did not initiate Plan D -- he did. I do not want Plan D -- he does. And he's playing dirty already. So Facebook may give me more ammo when I need it.

Money is the biggest problem. And WH being with POSOW at the freakin RITZ CARLTON is a huge thing. You see -- he's complaining about bottle water we've had delivered for over 17 years. He's complaining about something that costs less than $30/month when he's spending like a rock star, maxing out the home equity line, then OW is bragging about the RITZ CARTON on Facebook.

Am I angry?? YES.

My appologies. You seem to be in plan FU instead of plan B. lol


Guess that's what I get for only reading the last page.

No problemo, RSF. Plan D, Plan FU -- I go back and forth between the 2. Depends on the mood. Right now, it's definitely Plan FU.

Some days, Plan FU is the healthiest plan we can do.

Hi Holy, I'm sorry if you are having a hard day.

Here's a for you.

HH, I am sorry you saw those pictures on facebook. I found pictures of OW on my space also on her sister's site but none with my H. She is drunk in some of the pictures. What a prize. I saved the pictures. Maybe later in life I will make a memorial to her in my space and use the pictures to show the life of a rutting pig!


Glad you are bring FiL with you to the L. I think that is wonderful.

You know...I think things can't get any worse and then...POW -- right in the kisser!

Decided tonight to run credit checks (free -- on line) in preparation for meeting with L on Monday. Ran both mine and WH's.

No biggie -- WH opened a credit card in his name after he moved out. Figured that since charges weren't showing up on joint cards. Also opened up a credit card through Victoria's Secret. Gag!

Then...then...the smoking gun. Credit report shows what other agencies ran credit checks on WH. Appears WH opened up lines of credit at two casinos in LV. One was opened this summer and the other in the fall -- both times when he was living with OW. There are no "balances" listed on report, just that lines were opened. Wonder if any balances would even show up considering they'd be tied to gambling and perhaps the casino collects using their own methods (like broken legs in the middle of the desert).

Sooooo....I know WH's put us in deep do-do debt. But how much of that debt is tied to losses in Vegas? One of the casinos has a form you can submit to get a profit/loss statement for the year. I'm sure the other casino can provide one also.

I'm going to tell L about this and see if WH can be made to provide these statements.

Again -- WH gets angry at freak'in Sparkeletts water bill yet he opens up lines of credit to gamble...Sheeezzz...he thinks he's a Rock Star.....

Having dealt with a number of rumor attempts at my family, you'd think I'd shy away from hurting another's reputation. But on the other hand, I've had so many people pretend to be nice and gut us with a knife that I no longer have any compulsion to protect their reputations. If you have someone who will go on her FB and screw around with her, by all means, do it. As long as that person will never say you asked her to. Make the affair as miserable as possible.

I believe it would be in your best interest to compile the evidence from the OW's Facebook.

Dancing_Machine is doing the same with her STBXWH. Example: He is poo-pooing about lack of moneys yet is taking his OW to opera, and Hard Rock Cafe.

You should do the same.

HH, I am available for FB!!! And I will NEVER tell


The BIG question is "how did the attorney go" Waiting for the news. Pray it went well for you.

Also lets count on Valencia for Sunday. We are on board, just tell us where and when and we will get together. Looking forward to meeting you.

There used to be a wise poster around here called BrambleRose. She went into Plan B and recovered her marriage, so a lot of people listened to her, because of that and because she wasn't afraid to 2x4 people when they needed it. Like me.

Anyway, whenever I would talk about gathering information, BR would remind me that the main reason people want to gather information is because they want to use it to control the situation, and she was right. So. . . do you think that this is a situation you can control?

Okay, that's a loaded question. You do have some control. You need to decide whether you're in Plan B or in Plan D/FU. If it's B, then you need to stop the snooping--it doesn't help you. No amount of snooping is going to help you get your husband to come home. It's only going to hurt you and make you want it less.

If it's D/FU, snoop away and gather the information. Especially if it will help you get a good settlement. Recognize that it moves you farther away from reconciliation. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just recognize it for what it is.

TJ/

BR would be so proud.

/TJ

You are right about that, SDGuy. I do feel that snooping helps control something that I have no control over. And the more I snoop, the more excited I get when I discover something new or a potential smoking gun. And the more "business like" and less attached I get to the situation. It's like I'm a private investigator looking at SOMEONE else's finances -- not my own.
And right now -- it's not about a good settlement. It's about not being saddled with his huge A debt.

And I admit to being obsessed. I know it's not healthy, but I can't seem to stop. I can't go more than a few hours without checking out the forum, or calling a friend to share the latest news, or checking out credit card transactions for the day or reading up on family law information.

I try to focus on myself and the kids -- anything else, but can't. I've always been nosy AND a big gossip. I admit it.

I need to be patient. I used to be a very patient person. Now I feel like life is a race to the finish line. Like I can't sit back anymore. Like I need to do something to push myself to get through this. Like I can't just relax and let things happen.

Like I need to control something I have no control over. Bingo!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I purposely texted WH today and asked him to meet me. He called instead. And we talked about an hour.

And what did it accomplish?

He basically said he's never coming back. That he put the OW and her income and his living expenses on a court form that I should be getting. That if I dare try to "nickle and dime" him on the D that I would regret it. That if he has to pay too much in support, he'll just quit his job and I'll be up sh1t creek. That he'll fight me for custody of the kids if I push too much.

I knew this would happen. Why did I call? And why did I warn him about him being responsible for his debts and that he'll need to prepare for that.

WHY?

Because I still love him....and I miss him...and I wanted to somehow scare him with D talk to see if he would flinch.

And he didn't. He's moved on. Why can't I accept this?

I don't want to start over. I want someone to hold me at night and tell me they love me and make me feel secure again.

I hate this.

I think I'm like an abuse victim that wants to stick with the abuser even when she gets the he11 beat out of her.

I told myself yesterday that I needed to be patient. My FIL warned me yesterday when we left the L's office to be patient. Everyone has told me to back off -- even SDguy -- to stop snooping and relax.

But I can't. I can't. I can't.

Plan B -- stop it. But it's really Plan D -- and that's a much different path then just coasting in Plan B.

Maybe -- maybe -- I've been extra focused because it's WH birthday on Saturday and this will be the first time we haven't celebrated in 31 years. And he'll be celebrating this year with OW.

THIS SUCKS.

I'm sorry you are hurting Hh. Don't be too hard on yourself. Plan B is hard all the way around.

I don't know all your story but WH is on crack. If he quits his job, is POSOW going to be his sugar mama for long? So he's going to become intentionally unemployed and then fight for custody? Ignore him. WH doesn't know his head from his [censored]. Stay dark and concentrate on yourself and your kids.

Compile all evidence about when he is and is not seeing the kids. Record if he so much as farts the wrong way.

Are you allowed to record him on the phone in your state? You NEED the fact that he threatened to quit his job to avoid CS on the record.

There was one BS (I forget who) whose WH quit his job and she, the BW ended up with full custody. (I apologize if I got any of this story wrong, whoever you are! D: )

Holyheart first

I feel your pain. So sorry you are going through this. Your right about plan B versus Plan D. I am in the same sitch. It is a reality check to begin to think that we might have to go through life without them. I understand.

But think about their "pig partners". Do you think their trash will be around 5 years? These are not long term R woman. Both have been through 2 M which did not last long. Our H's are the new boy toys.

It is tough and discouraging but just breathe for today. Tomorrow will be better. So you screwed up -- we are HUMAN.

I did the obsession thing also. Sometimes I still wallow into my own obsessive pity party. We just try our best.

Remember Robert Downey when he was a total addict and in jail. He started to do better and then boom went back down again with drugs again and again. Finally one of the times when he got sentenced I never forgot what he said to the judge...
"It`s like I have a loaded gun in my mouth, and I like the taste of metal."
Its like us we know it wrong and we still obsess. But look at him he fell and fell and fell. Finally one of those times he picked himself up and created a better life for himself. I never thought he would come out of it.

We will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes. stay strong.

Thanks for calling when you did, Hope. Just got off the phone with another friend. She's been a godsend -- gets me out and about, too. So tomorrow I'm meeting her for Mass at noon then lunch. That should keep me busy for a chunk of the day.

And I think I need to make an appointment with my IC. I saw one last year for several visits. She basically told me not to come back until I was ready to GAL since I was always obsessing about WH and what he was doing or thinking or saying.

Now my obsession has changed from the A to the D and finances -- less about WH.

I guess I've just redirected this obsession from something unbelieveable and destructive (the A) to something even more unbelieveable and destructive (the D).

I swear I was never this crazy before the A. But it's been 16 months of crying and obsessing and frustration and anger and pain and lack of sleep... It really wears on a person.

Anytime you need support just give a call or come here. We are blessed to have this board. Don't know what I would do without it.

Got a list of financials that I have to provide for H's L. My L put in for extension for an additional week 1/2. Good more time. Wait till H sees some of the financials. That will be when he gets hit with some HugE truth darts. Not going to be happy, but maybe it will shake him up a bit.

I know that when you called H today it was trying to wake him up. It will happen but it will have to be his own realization.

We can't make this happen; it is on God's plan -- not ours. Try to turn it over to Him and have faith in that plan.

take care

Yep, the Judge will LOVE that.

So sorry you're hurting. I remember.

Sorry, HH. I know that Plan B is full of ups and downs and challenges and pain. But

What did you expect him to say? This is textbook Fogspeak. And you invited him to spew it at you. You did it to yourself. Sorry if this comes across as harsh.

Your WH is toxic to you. Your H is not there. You can't make him become your H again. Reaching out to him (i.e., breaking your Plan B) is going to burn you every time.

You need something else to obsess about. What are you doing to take care of yourself? What kinds of things can you distract yourself with when you have the urge to contact your WH?

You're a betrayed spouse, suffering through an immense amount of pain, so it's normal to mess up. There are things you can do that are helpful, however, and things that are not helpful. If you can sink into a really dark Plan B, you'll find a peace come over you, and you won't care so much about your WH. It will take time and effort on your part.

You are right on the money again, SDGuy.

Yep, I picked the fight. I talked finances knowing it would anger WH. But I also wanted to let him know what he's up against when the D progresses. So maybe I just wanted to warn him that I'm not going to be "friends" during this mess. That I've got a L ready to go. That I know what he's been up to. That he's already fu#%ed me over with the A, but he's not going to fu#% me over with the D. (Yep, I said this.)

OK -- as for me -- and what I should do to keep busy.

Let me say this. Since WH left I've...gone back to work part-time. I've planned a trip over Easter vacation with the kids. I've gone out to dinner a few times. I've taken the girls to a Melodrama. I've tackled the banana trees in the back yard. I've attended DD15's first high school swim meet. I've taken the kids to the Dr., dentist, eye doctor. I've smiled happily in photos with the kids all dressed up for their high school formal. I've gone to the beach for the day by myself. I've driven to L.A. for only the third time in my life to shop for formal dresses with the girls. I've attended a wedding and reception AND had a good time smoking a cigar with the guys. I've had the fence repaired. I've watched a few videos. I've bought a pair of really high heels. I've filled out college financial aid forms. I've opened up a checking account in my own name. I've had a manicure. I've had botox (shhhhhhhh). I've started going to church an extra time during lent. I've survived a staph infection (ouch!!). I've attended two birthday parties. I've learned about FaceBook. I've gone into the bank with only a statement and walked out with a $12k cashier's check. I've made new MB friends and are meeting two of them this weekend. I've taken down my wedding photo.

These may not sound like accomplishments, but they are to me. Much better than laying around the house all day crying for WH which I did during the first few months after discovery.

I know, I know...stay dark. But, in fairness, I feel better today that I stood up to WH yesterday. He's in denial. He's wayward. He's not H. I get that...and I deserved feeling bad yesterday because I purposely caused the confrontation.

But reality, folks, is that WH will need to step up to the plate during D and disclose financial stuff. I've held back about this for long enough. Even L said I should let him know that sooner or later he'll need to disclose. There's no hiding the money trail.

So I may have drained my LB...but I did hear him call me "honey" once. That'll do for now.

Back to dark. Put a piece of tape over my mouth and hide the phones.

So off the forum (goodnight folks), pop open a cold Coors Light, put on my jammies, make some Orval Reddenbacher popcorn, lie on the couch under a blanket, and try to figure out what the hel! is happening on Lost. I'm Lost this season....

(OK..I lied...I'll check back a few times before shutting down my computer for the night....in case anyone posts back....)

Hey HH, I am lost with lost. Even with the captions at the bottom of each scene. Also lost about H.

So I screwed up too. I will be posting on my sitch. It is a full moon, gets me every time. I do know H is scared he will lose everything financially but still deep in with OW. Doesn't care about daughters (not enough to do something about it), just himself.

Time to pick ourselves up and get moving. This stuff is not for sissies. Glad you feel better today.

If anyone sees a picture of HH, she looks like she is 15! no kidding. I hate you It must be the state air!

Looking forward to meeting up on Sunday. Wish I could get packing. I will be running around last minute as always!

I'm looking forward to meeting you to, friend. And thanks for the compliment! You're the second person TODAY to say that I look young. The other was our pediatrician. I took DD16 for an appointment this afternoon, and kind, kind Dr. said I looked younger than ever. This from a man I've taken the kids to for over 17 years and doesn't know a thing about the A or the D.

So...maybe the weight loss and trendy clothes are paying off. And...next week at eye Dr. appt., I'd like to get some contacts...

Oh -- wow -- I am working on myself AND getting a life.

Yeah...HH...You're finally getting it....

Maybe we will look so good our H's will not recognize us and just try to pick us up because we are sooo good looking

This afternoon, my DD and I enjoyed lunch and retail therapy with Trying2Live and Hope and Hope's DD. Wow -- what beautiful, caring, strong and wonderful women!!

How unfortunate that betrayal and selfishness and waywardness brought us together. But we are now bonded blood sisters because of our circumstances.

It's interesting comparing notes...many similarities but also many differences. Any way you look at it, we did not deserve our Ms to be broken up, our families to be destroyed, and our self-esteem to be trampled on.

How wonderful it would have been to have met these women under other circumstances with joy in our hearts and with our H's by our side.

But we will survive...we have to...for ourselves and for our kids. And, unfortunately, our WHs know this and are counting on this. They know us better than anyone else. They know we will keep our families going while they indulge in their fantasies.

We all agree that our WHs will crash and burn eventually. Each will fall due to their own arrogance and greed -- whether money or alcohol or alienation of their children.

And it will likely be too late for reconcillation. We beautiful women will have picked ourselves up off the floor, put on our big girl thongs (no panties for us!), found our lost self-respect and self-esteem, and said "no more" to crumbs.

We will find our mojo again...we will move on...we will survive despite the shattered dreams caused by the A.

I am green with envy!

Not really, I'm so happy that you guys got together. That's perfect! Isn't it amazing who God puts in our lives when we think no one is there?

Hugs to all of you ladies! Wish I was there...

HH Well here I am on T2L computer checking in.
It was a joy to meet you today. Out of sadness and sorrow today, came laughter and strength. It was a wonderful experience to meet f2f and exchange stories, hugs, and good will. Even though our kids were worried that Moms were meeting Internet people in person. (Guess we taught them right to be cautious!) The kids are relieved that we no one was drugged, kidnapped and we even managed to take a few photos!

Also met last night with SIHW and her cousin and had a great bonding night. Need to ask about that mechanical bull.

As far as PM, T2L said don't be green with envy there is no stopping any of us from getting together.

Hey y'all we need to have a Texas meeting. There are quite a few of us PrincessMeg, Catperson, Dealan to mention a few. Lets start new topics by state! Should be interesting.

This infidelity is a cancer that has spread across the land. It is great that we are starting to unite.

HH, I know we will meet again. You are a strong, sassy, and yes very sexy (under those too large clothes!). We are goddesses.

Hope, heck yeah! I've got plenty of room at my house, if you want to come to Houston!

I am really getting onboard with this MB bonding. It has been so sad at my house that this has been like a breath of fresh air!

Looking forward to a Texas group.

Sorry I didn't make it yesterday HH. I had the loooooonnng drive home with a little furry surprise riding shotgun.

I picked up my new kitten from the breeder while I was in L.A. Needless to say everyone was surprised and loves her even my older cat who held her down to groom her despite her objections...she would have made a great mom.

But ya'll (my best southern drawl how'd I do hope?) arn't too far away there will be more fun times to come.

I feel blessed to have such supportive friends and family in my life. I'm reminded that when God is on your side, who can be against you? And I feel that my life is BLESSED. Crazy since the D has begun. Crazy because the financial stuff is out of control. Crazy since WH has been gone almost 3 months and hasn't seen the kids (except DD15 on 2 occasions).

So...maybe I'm finally getting the benefit of Plan B. Stay away from the drama and live.

Hi HH {{{{hugs}}}}} looks like our little emos disappeared along with this board and I can't put all my little icons in!

We are blessed and never felt it more than this week. Meeting, bonding, laughing and crying with people that truly understand.

How do you feel about Monday and D inviting WH to confirmation? Should be interesting. I know you will look like a Goddess in those high heels.

I am home and wondering where the week went! take care.

Glad you made it back safe and sound. Too bad the pool boy didn't fit into your suitcase....or did he?

As for Monday -- WH called today regarding a money issue and mentioned wanting to attend if I didn't have a problem with it. I said no problem with me. After thinking more on it...and after getting upset because of the call (that's why I need to stay in Plan B, folks -- to avoid the drama of hearing his voice and his TONE), I texted him the following "Do not sit near me at Confirmation."

I know I need to work on boundaries and the "do not sit" boundary will be good practice.

Still on CA time!
Good for you. And I assume his parents will be sitting with you also. Maybe there can be a special pew for waywards! How does D feel that he is coming?

Look like a Goddess. Seeing the competition -- there is no competition. You are beautiful and wonderful and he is blind with this addiction right now.

Still on CA time!
Good for you. And I assume his parents will be sitting with you also. Maybe there can be a special pew for waywards! How does D feel that he is coming?

Look like a Goddess. Seeing the competition -- there is no competition. You are beautiful and wonderful and he is blind with this addiction right now.

OK -- I tried to edit and it won't let me.

I need to explain. I posted earlier that I feel blessed and I realize how much good I'm getting from Plan B. Then I posted that I had talked with WH today and the conversation upset me.

All true. But the "upset" only lasted a little while then turned into "anger." Anger because a simple money request escalated into a full-blown conversation.

Me and my boundaries. I really need to work on these to prevent ANY conversations with WH.

My guess is DD expected him to decline.

And yes, I will be sitting with his parents. And it should be plenty awkward for WH. All eyes should be on him -- the adulterer -- at Mass -- not sitting with his family.

And the sermon will likely focus on the young adults -- how they need to avoid the devil's temptations in today's world. All applicable to WH -- what he NEEDS to hear. Wow -- another intervention by an awesome GOD. I'm still feeling blessed. I'll pray that WH attends and that the WORD reaches him!

Yep, I will look good. DD's dress is way too short afterall, so we'll need to look for another one -- darn it -- an excuse to pick out a drop dead one for me as well.

There will be TWO goddesses on Monday.

Maybe you could wear DD's dress and have it be "way to short"...lol

Hummm....that's a thought. HH in skin tight mini-dress at Mass surrounded by WH's family while WH sits alone in the balcony. Hummmmm........

We'd be quite the scandal....Wait....we already ARE quite the scandal.....

I swear -- just about everybody in town knows. Helps that I have such a huge family with lots and lots of relatives and friends. I think that's why WH goes out of town so often so he doesn't run into somebody we know.

His best bet will be to move out of town after the D. He will never be welcomed in our circle of family and friends. We're not that kind of people.

Poor WH will only have OW and her brats and his debts. This story line would be almost comical if I weren't one of the main characters.

Just checking in. FIL invited us all over for dinner tonight. Again, I'm soooooo blessed to have all of WH's family supporting me and the kids.

And it's not like a contest. We're just on the God-side and WH and Bimbo are on the devil-side. Black and white. How hard is that?

FIL said he feels like busting WH in the chops. He can't stand seeing my kids abandoned by their dad.

I feel the same way.

Saw a book at Target today called something like "Why a Son Needs a Dad." Made me cry. It has pictures and phrases. All things that WH STOPPED doing for our son and daughters when the A began.

How can a dad do this? How can he go from a great dad to no dad? It just kiils me that the kids lost someone they loved so much. And it's not like he's dead, he just has more fun living with Bimbo and her brats then living here with us and being a part of his REAL family.

It sucks.

Hi HH, stand strong tomorrow. I am sure that H will be very uncomfortable. Be detached but look happy if that makes sense. If everyone is there with a long face it will only feed into WH's drama. H has to understand it is DD's day not his.
Glad you will have good support tomorrow.

When you mentioned about the book about sons and fathers, I thought about D15. Every week at church we usually see this Dad with his D who is about 4 and she and him are so loving and D15 always mentions it. I know it reminded her when her father used to take her to church. Sad so sad.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Tell DD good luck.

FABULOUS idea DAHLING.....

Confirmation went well. DD is now full of the Holy Spirit.

Of all the places to park, I ended up on a side road and walked right past WH sitting in his truck. I knocked on his window, waved, flashed a big smile and kept walking with my BIL. And I looked great -- new top and jacket.

Never saw WH after that. I sat with the relatives. Mass went well. Afterwards, I took pictures of DD with the Bishop and the grandparents and her friends. Then headed back to the car to beat everyone home to set out the pies and make the coffee.

Well...WH left flowers for DD in my car (he knows my code) along with a note saying how proud he is of her. And a reminder that she needs to get tires at Costco. How price conscious he is! He even left the Costco coupon for us.

Yeah...right.

HH hugs...
I was wondering how it went. So he made the invisible man appearance with the flowers. Amazing how price conscious he is with his own family. Unbelievable.
I am sure you looked great. Guess there was no pics of Dad and DD.
Glad your D did well. I know she would.

Hi you two, Hope and Holy. I'm running on empty tonight, but see you are both on. I'm saying my prayers for you two. Have a peaceful night and great day tomorrow.

Yep, the invisible man. Just what he wanted...to show up and disappear without a trace. No confrontations. No conflicts. No dirty looks. Hope he at least heard part of what the Bishop said about family and faith and the evils of selfishness.

I guess FIL talked with WH for a few minutes today. Brought up DD15 and the pain she's in missing her Dad. Of course, WH blamed HER for not wanting a relationship with him. FIL reminded WH that it's HIS CHOICES that are keeping the kids away. They were raised to know right from wrong, and they know that what WH is doing is WRONG. And tonight reminds me all the more about the way we raised our kids. To know, love and serve God. To keep His commandments. And here is their Dad - shacking up with a POSOW and her 3 kids. I mean -- what the heck? He's broken every commandment except killing someone. Oh -- wait -- he's killed my love and my self-esteem and my belief in faithfullness. Yep -- he's broken EVERY commandment.

How long before the karma bus flattens him? Maybe the Holy Spirit will speed it up a little....

Just checking in. WH texted me today asking if DS made a decision yet about college. Hummm...wonder what's up? Maybe he keeps getting asked about it and he wants to ACT like a concerned co-parent. Hard to co-parent when you haven't seen or talked to your kid in 3 months!

Again...it's all about WH saving face and not about being a Dad for DS and actually HELPING DS make a major decision for his future.

I'm starting to hate WH more and more every day.

Don't worry HH, even though it may not appear to you, they hate themselves even though they act like everything is great.

I hear that Karma bus crashing off a cliff any day now

Yeah...I hear you, Hope.

As for the Karma bus...I hope it's headed his way soon. Today I ran into a grade school friend of WHs. He heard about WH and the D and kept saying what a loser WH is and how lucky my kids are to have me.

Then I attended an awards dinner for DD tonight. Several parents asked how me and the kids are doing. They commented on how stupid WH is for missing these kinds of events.

I can only imagine the "looks" that WH gets around town. How he could never feel welcomed again at school or family events. He's not invisible. Likely why he and Bimbo leave town as often as they do.

But there is no hiding from the A. I hope the looks haunt him. I hope the guilt gnaws away at his stomache. I hope the stress becomes unbearable. I hope he realizes that he's blown it big time with me. I gave him chance after chance and it never sunk in.

I'm, thankfully, not the same pushover that I was just 3 months ago. I won't be taken advantage of ever again. And if I have to make the D "messy" then so be it.

Because the A was "messy" and each false recovery was "messy". And he "messed" with me and my self-esteem and my sanity. And he "messed" with our kids. And he even "messed" with OW a couple of times when he broke it off during the false recoveries.

Man...WH is really fu*&ed up!!

Yea!!!.....DS gave his acceptance to an out-of-town college. Next step is to get housing situated and pay rather large installation payment. We'll have to figure all of that out.

And I feel positive about letting DS go away next Fall despite the D in progress. Why should he suffer because his POS Dad left us? And the poor kid has suffered enough that maybe -- just maybe -- being away from home will allow him to escape the A fallout and the D drama and focus on being a kid again.

Affairs suck.

I asked DS if he wanted to at least text his Dad with his decision. Of course, he said no. Interestingly enough, [censored] (new name for WH) texted me several times over the past few days asking about DS's decision. And [censored] even tried calling me twice today. I just dance around when I hear my cell ring and his number pop up.

I mean...WTF? I will not take his calls. Period. Because everytime I do, he ends up bullying me and I end up crying for the next day and a half. Staying dark is the best. And if it's a freak'in emergency or something, he can leave a voice mail or message with IM.

Man -- I'm soooooo angry at [censored] when I think about what he's done to our family.

I just pray that my Shiny will be able to protect me and the kids and put pressure on [censored] to FINALLY hold him accountable for his sleazy financial actions. I mean -- really -- does paying for Bimbo's spray on tans trump DS's college education?

This debt -- as horrible as it is when I really think about it -- just might prove to be a bargaining chip.

HI HH, miss you and your honesty and guts and goddessness!

We need to be strong through all of this otherwise we will not survive.

I worked at home today because I just did not want to deal with the whole situation.

Your WH has to deal with the public and he has made himself look awful. At some point his rock star ideal of himself will become a "one hit wonder". I know he will be crashing once his wallet becomes empty.

If you look up the word "gold digger" in the dictionary there will be a picture of your OW and my H's OW!

stay care, stay strong.

Congrats on your son's college decision! I agree, it will be good for him to start college soon; he shouldn't be here dwelling on negative things.

We went college hopping this weekend. D18 got accepted to one in San Antonio, with a scholarship, but the one we saw this weekend is now her first choice. They're supposed to be reviewing her file today.

I was listening to a story on NPR this morning about paying for college. The lady said to make sure you apply for everything, even if you think you don't qualify; let them figure that out for you, cos they want your son and his money just as much as you want the college.

Did you sign up at www.fastweb.com for scholarships?

Thanks for the web link, Cat. We'll check it out.

Hi HH, wonderful that son found school. Now is the fun part filling out financial aid forms etc.

Is he happy with his decision?? One down -- two to go!

This should be a happy time, but it's really more of a stressful time since I don't have my H to talk things over with and to help make decisions.

You remember -- [censored]'s on a sabatical from fatherhood and husbandhood and realityhood and I'm left with all the responsibilities.

So I'M the one looking for financial aid.......and I'M the one downloading forms...and I'M the one going to the bank...and I'M the one running to the post office. Granted -- I would have likely done this stuff anyway, but without a helper/co-parent/HUSBAND, I have this PLUS EVERY FLIPP'IN ELSE to do.

How can I focus on ME during Plan B when I have SOOOOOOOOOO much more to do? I know, I know...I'm luckier than most with lots of family and friends for support and assistance.

But at the end of the day...it's just me and 3 teenagers. I am the ONLY parent. I am the only ADULT. And I didn't sign up to be a single parent.

Crap -- I'd like to take a vacation and know that the kids and the house and the dog are fine. But, NOOOOOOOOOOO....I'm the responsible one. [censored] plays and plays and spends and spends and lives like a rockstar with the bleached blond bimbo.

Not fair!

Long talk with FIL this evening. Seems [censored] got into it with his mother this evening. Made her cry AGAIN. What a bully!

According to FIL, he's still deep in the fog. Same song, second verse. Blames the kids for him not having a relationship with them...Says he left ME, not the kids.....And the kids don't really need him....Complained about how much money ME and the kids spend...Says the D is nobody's business but mine and his....We all just need to move on....time will heal all....Complained that I'm not taking his calls....blah, blah, blah.

FIL said [censored] was aggitated. Then...[censored] showed up at DS's track meet. Sat in his truck in the parking lot and watched DS compete.

I wonder how that feels, buddy? Watching your kid from a car in the parking lot behind a chain link fence...from the outside looking in.

Hummmmm.....what an a-hole.

Hi Holyheart

I haven't posted to you before but followed your thread and really feel for you after this last post. Looking back a year I can so identify with where you are now - I had a fulltime job, a teen daughter and 7 year old son at home, and another teen at university, and felt like I was the only adult in the family responsible for everything! (Which I was...the other 'parent' was trying to 'find himself' stumbling around in a fog after OW who was milking it for all she was worth.... Same old!!) But happy to say we're in a better place now.

2 things I wanted to say to you:

1. However things turn out, a year from now you're going to look back and be amazed at all you were able to step up and handle on your own, and at how much the experience - although I wouldn't wish it on anyone - has helped you grow and recognise your own strength and worth.

2. You ask how you can look after yourself in PLan B with so much to do? The answer is, IMHO, you HAVE TO. You have to schedule it in like - and as important as - everything else you have to do. No-one else is going to take responsibility for ensuring your EN's are met, however good your support system. So that's scheduling in exercise time/time out with friends or weekend retreats when the kids are with WS/30 minutes alone every day with a glass of wine and good music..whatever does it for you.

It's not an optional extra for when there's nothing else someone needs you to do. SO much easier said than done. But so important for you AND your kids and everyone else who is relying on you to pull them through this mess...

Aprill

Thanks, Aprill.

And you are right. Last year at this time, I was a MAJOR emotional wreck who couldn't go a few hours without crying. Now a year later -- I have much more clarity and sanity with crying spells few and far between. A year down the road and I will be AMAZING!

But I still have my moments when I grieve for H and M and the breakup of our family.

I am really more angry than sad. And this will not be good for [censored] as he pushes the D. What's the old saying? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Venting on the board helps since MB friends have been there/done that.

I'm really rocking in Plan B this time. I'm seldom tempted to call or text [censored] to yell or defend myself. I have learned to call a friend instead or compose a text and save to "draft" instead of "send."

Patience, Holyheart, patience. Talking to myself helps...as does praying.

And I'm no longer a Pavlov dog when my cell rings and his name pops up. I don't answer since the less I talk with WH, the better I am. Really!!!

As for taking time for myself -- I did just that today. Got a pedicure. Wooooooo-whooooooooo.

As for WS taking the kids for even short periods of time -- not gonna happen. WH hasn't seen the kids in 3 months except for the recent spottings at their events. Even then, he didn't approach the kids, and the kids didn't even know he was there. He hides in the crowd or in his truck since he doesn't want people giving him "the look." And the kids aren't letting him slide.

Darkness for me in Plan B....and darkness for him with OW. Black and white. Right and wrong. No gray areas anymore for me -- except the darn gray roots that seem to have taken over my head. Stress plus A plus D equals GRAY.

Good!

Better!

This is completely normal, and it's not going to stop. Over time, the emotions will become less intense and less debilitating.

It sounds like you're doing well, HH. Keep posting.

Thanks, Guy.

I know I'm doing well. I just need a pat on the back once in a while to reaffirm this.

I know this is a marathon/dodge ball/Survivor situation.

It will last a looooong time. I HAVE no choice but TO deal with it.

The competition is throwing heat aimed at my nose. Duck and cover when necessary. Try to catch the ball and throw it right back at them.

I need to outlast, outwit and outplay WH, OW and the entire A.

Bring it!!!

Catch the ball, calmly set it down next to you (preferably without even looking up), and continue enjoying the beautiful day outside.

Outlast, yes. Easier to do if you ignore It as best you can. Instead of wondering what the infidels are up to or planning or doing, worry about YOUR day. Enjoy YOUR time. Live YOUR life. Take care of YOU. Don't let the infidels intrude on your peace, including through your own thoughts.

And maybe get introspective. Recognize what you can control and what you can't. Question your motives for the things you want.

Hang in there, HH. You'll be fine.

Thanks, SDGuy.

I read your response this morning, took a deep breath and smiled. You are right about not throwing the ball back.

Then I left work, picked up the mail and noticed an envelope from the court. Yep -- I now have a court date and requirements to submit financials...to meet and confer prior...to show up.

Crap.

Required court date is 2 days after son's high school graduation which means meeting will be before.

I hate this.

OK -- calm -- I'm headed to the beach for a few days.

Lay on the sand, listen to the waves, drink a little, relax with the kids, breath.

Breath...and when I get back, I'm picking up the freak'in ball, hiring an attorney, then aiming at WH's balls and OW's nose with my assault.

I'm posting this from School Bus. It was in response to text message sent by [censored] last month. Once again, School Bus nails it on the head.

I have been so busy! I'm really sorry. I read his message to you.

That part about the court not looking into the finances when you get a divorce - that came from the OW. He either believes her, or wants you to believe her. Either way, it is a lie.

He is hoping you will release money ties to him - but the real reason behind this is, he is having problems with his romance because of money problems. He thinks if the money problems stop, things in love-city will be happy again.

He is wrong.

And do not give up one crumb.

SB

I totally agree with SB. [censored] is trying to support two women and six kids at the moment and something's gotta give.

HH sorry to hear about court date. This D stuff puts us in limbo. Yes outwit, outlast, outplay...You will be the ultimate survivor.

Get into the sand and water. Rejoice being in the sun. Look what H is missing and don't care what he thinks.

You are a Goddess - feel it, breathe it, be it.

Back from beach. Relaxed, tanned, renewed.

Plan B still going strong. Few thoughts of [censored].

Just wish I didn't need to prepare D paperwork. But I feel strongly that money will be the cause of the A demise. And money won't be issue without the D. So perhaps D is best afterall.

Divorce is not death (the only true permanent). You can always remarry if the fates align.

Sorry, not trying to be flip, but give a little sniggle of hope in a bad time.

HH, welcome back to the tan goddess.

I do accept that our WH and us the BS have to hit our own bottom. Once that happens then the only place to go is up. Life is filled with hills and valleys. Right now we are low in the valley. It will change. Your right the D might be the catalyst to the demise of the A. That is what we pray for. take care.

Feeling bummed right now.

Made it through spring break with kids. Made it through Easter vigil Mass last night. Made it through brunch at in-laws today.

Now -- now -- this coming week -- need to face reality of D.

Start on financials. Gather documents. Retain attorney. Prepare for fight.

I hate this.

I hate this.

I hate this.

{{{{{{{{{{HOLY}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm so sorry you are hurting. I'm right here if you need holding up. You are doing the best you can with what you have to work with. I know it really doesn't mean much.

I'm struggling terribly tonight, but I just remembered my AA sponsors teaching me that feelings come and go. This will pass.

You have a lot of people who care about you and are praying for you. To say you'll be fine... Well, we all will in the end. Will it be what we want, don't know. I love you. I'm sorry you are sad and facing what you are facing..

Thanks for being there for me, Queenie.

Just can't shake the dread I feel having to face the D this week. I told myself to let it go until after Easter, but I jumped the gun tonight and started thinking about it until waiting until tomorrow. My fault. Today is such a trigger being the first real holiday without H.

OK, Holyheart. Get your big girl panties on. Tomorrow is another day.

Of course I'm here and I will always be here like others were for me. We are all in this together because G-d needs us to hold each other and walk together. But it's really G-d who is holding you.

Talk to G-d, ask him if he needs something from you right this moment. Try to change your thinking from dread to seeing how wonderfully G-d will work in your life. And he will. He promises us in so many ways.

I know, it's easier to say it to someone else. And yet, even as I'm struggling terribly tonight, I believe this with all my heart. G-d will take care of you. He will be there with you, protecting you from the enemies who seek to destroy you.

This is my saying on Facebook...

Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. And ye shall call upon me, and go, and pray unto Me, and I will harken unto you. And ye shall seek Me, and find Me, when ye shall search for Me with all your heart.

Proverbs 3:25-26 Be not afraid of sudden terror; Neither of the destruction of the wicked, when it cometh; For the Lord will be thy confidence, and will keep thy foot from being caught.

Psalm 143 Oh Lord, hear my prayer, give ear to my supplications. For the enemy hath persectued my soul. He hath crushed my life down to the ground. Answer me speedily my Lord, for my spirit faileth. Hide not thy face from me. Lest I become like them that go down into the pit. Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning. For in Thee do I trust; Cause me to know the way where in I should walk. For nto Thee have I lifted up my soul. Deliver me from my enemies, Oh Lord. Teach me to do Thy will, For Thou art my G-d. In thy righteousness bring my soul out of trouble, And in Thy mercy cut off my enemies, And destroy them all that harass my soul. For I am Thy servant.

I will keep you in my prayers as I go to sleep and ask G-d to protect, bless and take care of us who need a little extra TLC

Thanks, dear friend.

G-d bless you for sharing. I will turn to Him tonight. He brings me great comfort.

Goodnight.

Verbally retained attorney today. With court date scheduled, I need a pro at my table.

And believe me -- before I drop off the first payment, I will personally look attorney in the eye and ask if he's ready, willing and able to go after [censored] AND be an f'ing a-hole in the process.

See -- no "friendly" D for me. I want it VERY messy and VERY painful and VERY ugly and VERY drawnout. And it won't be MY fault -- no sir -- it's all attorney's doing. Why? ...because poor, pathetic, loyal, good Holyheart(wink, wink) can't stop the process that [censored] started and can't tell attorney to back off with his assault.

So sorry, [censored], that every penny you spent has to be accounted for. So sorry that paperwork will consume so much of your time. So sorry that you will be asked to pay for my attorney...so sorry that friends and family will be asked to testify...so sorry that kids don't want you around...SORRY.

Because I'm FINALLY realizing that [censored] has really become a loser. A loser sooooooo under the influence of OW. He has given up everything for her. Now he will pay for his choices.

This afternoon at DS's track meet -- there's me and DD, along with MIL and FIL, watching DS compete. And there...in the distance...sitting in his truck in the parking lot....is [censored]. Once again, an outsider to his children and their lives.

And he texts DD to ask what place DS got. Why? Because he wasn't close enough to see how DS did. And he wasn't close enough to hear the announcer. And he wasn't close enough to see the look of happiness on DS's face when he realized he got 3rd place.

How sad that [censored]'s chosen to end his relationships with his kids. His flesh and blood... His legacy....

And I am doing fine. Really. I will get through this bruised and battered but with my pride in tact. It's just that I have a hole in my heart. And it will take time for the hole to fill in. But that's OK because I am OK.

But now -- game on, mister. Absolutely no mercy from me.

{{{holyheart}}} I'm glad you're getting stronger.

HH, I feel your pain but I also feel your strength. You were like a slinky when this started. Just moving aimlessly. Since then you have gained a backbone or should I say "warrior strength".

I agree with "its not me -- it is my attorney". They use the fog babble to justify their lives. We use our clear heads and hearts to justify ours. :crosseyedcrazy:

I know that feeling of dread going to the Atty. All that darn paperwork and going through every detail of your shared lives and trying a way to separate the 2...Yes it SUCKS.
But remember nothing is permanent but death. Everything else can change.

I almost felt pity for "[censored]" (Love your special name for him). He was a pathetic figure sitting in the parking lot. It is like the kid in the playground with no friends and standing off to the side and trying to figure out how to get into the game. There is a plan for him...It it God's plan and he is laying the groundwork . Of course He will also throw in some road blocks too.

Take care good friend. You are doing great.

Well, well. Seems [censored] is back in manipulation mode.

He called yesterday to discuss some finance stuff. Then says he's ready to work on his relationships with the kids and could I please help. Me help?

He's admitting he's made SOME mistakes. That he should have done more to keep in contact with the kids. That the past is the past and he wants to start fresh going forward.

Geez...and he wants MY help.

Hummmmm...Oh -- he adds "if you really love the kids, you'd want them to have a relationship with ME."

Hummmmmm...you mean the "me" who walked out on us 2 days after Christmas (and 4 times previously), who lied and cheated and put us in debt, who bullied me and the kids, who filed for D and told our kids that our marriage had been bad for years, and who is living with OW and her 3 brats???

And he's HURT that he wasn't included in our Easter. And he's HURT that his parents and siblings have sided with me.

And why would I even think of hiring an attorney for our upcoming court date since all the attorney will do is drag out the process to earn more money? Can't this all be settled easily between the two of us -- and his friend, the accountant, who set him up with OW? And the debt doesn't matter.

Blah, blah, blah.

And....surprise, surprise...the manipulation begins. "Dad's coming to my swim meet" says DD. "Dad wants to hang out with me on Sunday" says other DD.

What an awesome Dad...What an manipulative ba$[censored]...

But Holyheart has learned her lesson. She cannot protect [censored], nor defend [censored], nor facilitate reconciliation between [censored] and the kids.

[censored] has to do this all by himself. And not just words or actions but mindset. [censored] has to WANT to be a Dad again. And to do that, [censored] has to stop being selfish.

And, frankly, I don't think [censored] will end his self-centeredness until consequences are felt. And consequences will not be felt until either OW drops him or the D is done.

And the D seems the more likely of the two.

I'm so sorry. But the kids are learning tons from you. {{{hh}}}

Hi Holy,

You NEVER know what G-d has planned. TRUST and have FAITH.

And I am learning tons from my MB friends. Thank you all for your support!!!

Yes, WH came to DDs swim meet today. He sat all by his lonesome in the far bleachers. Then he moved over and sat by his parents. (His parents just ignored him.) Then he moved over to a group of men.

OK -- I looked to see where he was sitting but that's it. I didn't care whether or not he was there since that was between DD and him.

And [censored] looked bad. Like he's aged 10 years. At 47 he's totally gray and balding AND looks like he's gained weight.

Now the FABULOUS part -- ME, MYSELF and I.

I have been doing my part under Plan B and had pampered myself this week. Hair cut, manicure, dentist, tanning. And I looked GREAT and I felt even better. I talked with other parents, I walked with confidence, I laughed and smiled. And I received two complements at how wonderful I looked!!!

See....I wasn't the pathetic Holyheart of the past with teary eyes and runny nose. I was the "getting a life" Holyheart.

And -- before anyone thinks I've fallen under [censored]'s spell -- he's tried to call me two more times since the conversation and I didn't answer either time.

Back to Plan B and preparing for Plan D.

Believe it or not - YOUR new attitude is a blessing to ALL involved.

Just look at the NEW YOU!

May I admire you a bit longer?

PS .... this is one for the books !

I can't resist ....

Holyheart has decided to go

Better to have none than a lame one.....

WAYNERD TRANSLATION:


The less you help him the more he will experience consequences.




Good job !!!!!!!!!!!!

Turn up the HEAT ... have NOTHING to say to him but ...

"I'm busy. I've got to cut you off & get going. Bye."

Offer him Z E R O information about what you are doing, when you are doing it, and with whom you are interacting.

He's fishing - Hoping you will nibble at his weak / tired / pathetic bait .... NOW is the time to be politely NON responsive.

I LOVE you guys and all your advice.

I'm finally getting it. Really...it's finally sinking in.

And I warned his parents last night to beware of his manipulation. I expect him to turn to them (boo-hoo) and ask them to intercede on his behalf.

Especially since DSs graduation is just around the corner and he can't possibly be sitting all by his lonesome self at the ceremony. Shock....What would all the other parents think??

Oh...and he mentioned that he's playing in the school's golf tournament next week.

I said "You are?"

And he said "Of course. I play every year. You're not going to run me off."

Poor [censored]. Does he not see that the other parents ALL know what he's done? And his actions don't go over too well at a small Christian high school.

Even the principle pulled me aside one day to ask how things were. He said that he probably shouldn't share this but he "hates" [censored] for what he's done.

See -- [censored] thinks he's invisible. And that may be MY fault since I've protected and defended him during most of this ordeal. I chalked it up to "midlife crisis."

But the gloves came off when he filed D. And with court day just 2 days after DS's graduation, my priorities have shifted. [censored] is no longer the prize.

I have seen the light.

How many of us have said the exact same thing? Two seasons ago when Wayzilla would still come to the games DD coached she would sit with the other teams fans.

This year she did not attend a single game out of the 19 DD coached. Not one.

And then they ask for our help to fix things between them and the kids. Yep, Wayzilla did that 2-months before the D was final too. Why can't the kids just see how important THEIR happiness is? What's wrong with the little ingrates?

Waywards. It's a violation of local civil codes to kill them and they make poor plow mules.

Yeah -- can't we all just get along? gag....

And [censored] was "the Dad" at the kids' sporting events - meaning he sat right in the pack of parents and grandparents yelling the loudest...always chatting it up with the coachs and refs (zebras)...getting to know all the kids and offering suggestions to improve their performance.....bribing the team if they won certain games -- like the County championship (he paid for the post-game pizza party)...going to a lot of the practices to help out....keeping stats...etc.

See [censored] used to be a BIG sports guy and a natural at just about everything. Football MVP senior year of H.S. (I was a cheerleader). Played college ball, too. Great at baseball, softball, basketball, surfing, even bowling. Everyone wanted him on their scamble team because he was often the clutch player making the birdie to win the tournament. The kind of guy that would beat everyone even at a game he had never played before. Always competitive. Always good natured. Fun as hell. Biggest smile you ever saw. And genuine. Always willing to help the other player. Never -- Never-- losing his temper!

He's used to be the guy everyone admired. And I'm not just saying that. Everyone from grandmas to babies LOVED him. And he was always "constant." Same guy throughout the 30 years we've been together. Honest, loyal, steady.

So now...when he shows up which is pretty much never...he either sits in his truck in the parking lot or in the distant bleachers with an earpiece in his ear. He's either listening to music or texting or talking on his phone. Trying to looking busy, but really just looking out of place.

It was like a switch went off when the A began. He was suddenly moody...distant....preoccupied...never home. Quick at losing his temper with me and the kids. WTH? And he stopped following the teams he loved the most. Even missed one of DS's HS football games -- And this was DS's senior year. And DSs been playing football since 3rd grade (flag).

And the kids just wanted their Dad back. The "constant" guy who worked with each of them on their particular sport. The Dad who threw passes to DS in the front yard....who served killer volleyball serves to DD over the net in the backyard....who threw the waterpolo ball back and forth with other DD in the pool....

The Dad who sat with the other parents, who chatted it up with the coaches, who yelled the loudest, who took the team out for pizza, who got to know their friends, who practiced with them at home.

But that Dad is gone...long gone. And the kids feel the void in regards to their sports. To go from a larger than life FUN and INVOLVED Dad to no Dad. Big, dramatic difference.

Hey, everyone....Just checking in from a pretty good PB.

And what a wonderful weekend is in store for me. I will be spending the bulk of it finishing up disclosure forms for meeting next week with attny. What fun!

But I do FEEL stronger than ever which I attribute to avoiding contact with [censored]. Boy -- this Plan B thingy really works.

As for Plan D -- it will be SOOOOO NOT friendly. Lengthy, messy, painful, costly, ugly.... That should about do it.

Can't let [censored] get away with being a d*ck.

See -- I'm now in the anger stage. Anger at way [censored] is ignoring the kids. Anger that [censored]'s timing in horrible in that court day is same week as DS's graduation. Anger that [censored] is financially screwing us by supporting OW AND her kids.

Sorting throught the credit card statements puts a lot in perspective. For instance, on the exact same day I was spending $167 at Target, [censored] spent $2,538 for a suite in Las Vegas.

I WANT JUSTICE!!!! And what more do I have to lose?

$2,538

I'm sorry. Your WH sounds so much like my WH. It's amazing to see that total turn around isn't it? There's been a couple times in the last month or so at ball games or practices where even the girls commented "mom, I think everything will be OK. He was like the old dad tonight" but, the very next morning- alien is back & then it shows up at the next ball game & not only looks miserable- he makes everyone around him pretty miserable too!!
It stinks.

Yep, it stinks.

And pretty much nightly, DD15 texts him before she goes to sleep "Are you yourself today?"

What more can you say? A 15 year-old kid has it figured out. It's not me nor the kids nor even the POSOW -- it's HIM. He is not himself. He has a problem.

We can all see it...when will he? (Hint, hint: Look in the mirror, buddy.)

HH, hey girlfriend. thinking of you. here is a poem called man in the mirror




I looked at myself today, just to see what was left to ignore
I saw something I never could have been ready for
I saw a weak man who dreamt he was strong
I saw a writer singing someone elses song
I saw an ugly man with a handsome mans grin
I saw an angel devoured by personal sin
I saw someone who wanted to run but had no legs
I saw a rich man that started to beg
I saw a madman that wanted to fly
I saw a wise man who wanted to die
I saw someone alone that longed to be felt
I saw someone who thought he was somebody else
I saw a man who was painted with hate
I saw a man that confused fantasy with fate
I saw a man that made his own hell
I saw a man, he looked like myself.
mhmm
....yeah

Yep, the man in the mirror missed another milestone with the kids -- their Jr./Sr. Prom.

And the man in the mirror has several upcoming events surrounding DS's graduation that he may or may not attend depending on who he sees in the mirror that day.

I just want to reach in that mirror, grab that man by the throat, and throttle some sense in him for putting us through this hell.

And the last time I looked at that man in the mirror, he resembled an old, stressed out, pale, sickly, balding, self-centered, unattractive guy who is not right with God.

Ahhhh....but when I last looked at the woman in the mirror, I saw a young, tan, beautiful goddess radiating with love and unselfishness who is right with God.

$2538? I sure hope you keep that one for your court date. My WH gave OP money to pay for her trailer so she wouldn't lose it, but he will not give us any proof. Just says he loaned her money and she paid it back. Yeah she did. My atty is getting ready to slap him with motion to ? (whatever that is to make him produce something).

Keep to PB girl. It's the only thing that you can do to protect yourself from this madness.

Here's my stubborn streak. I would sit down and run up a list of things you always wanted to do with the kids (museums, parties, trips, etc.) that you never did, and add in enough things to add up to that $2538. Slip that piece of paper into a card. Add a copy of the credit card delineation, with the $2538 highlighted. Nothing else. Don't even sign the card. Hopefully, he will be at graduation; hand him, or ask a family member to hand him, the card.

Good idea, Cat. But I'd rather do it using the $12,000 cashier's check he gave her. I have the original receipt. Haaaaaaaaaaa...and he has no idea.

Hummm....that would just about cover DS's first year of college tuition or a nice down payment on a new car.

And CL - Believe me -- I have tons of proof of "noncommunal" expenses. I'm almost getting excited about socking-it-to-him in court.

Interesting thing is that a cousin of a friend warned both me and [censored] that OW would take us to the cleaners based on her track record with xH#1, xH#2, and her past BFs. I even talked with a x-BF who told me how she cleaned out his ATM account and basically conned him into spending loads on her for trips, jewelry, etc. But [censored] said it would never happen to him and xBF was just sore that she had dumped him.

The sad part is that this time she did it to a married man with a family. And I guess the sex is so good with her, [censored] had no problem digging us in deep financial [censored].

But the gravy train is drying up.

I'm right there with you now. My STB ex-wife left the kids with me over and over without thinking twice. It's funny that they continue to rely on us to be the stable parent. It's a passive admission that we are the better parent. Heck, my wife has actively admitted this. Then out of the blue she shows up to be super-mom. Even this is selfish! It's the one thing they cling to in their gigantic moral crisis. I'm a total POS, but look, look, I love my kids! I'm a good mom! Trust me, when you fight this person in court, you will have far more staying power. They have continually demonstrated that they take the easy way and the selfish way and it won't change in the custody battle.

Zen, I agree.

I've said this before -- they (our waywards),unfortunately, know us TOO well. This is to our disadvantage.

They KNOW we will continue to be the responsible parent whether our wayward is living with us or not.

They KNOW we will make sure little Johnny gets to school on time and has cupcakes for his class party.

They KNOW we will never jepardize our kids' safety by engaging in risky behaviors like drugs, alcohol or sex while we're caring for the kids.

They KNOW we won't bad mouth them because we don't want our kids hurting more than they already do and we don't want them to be damaged more than they already are.

They KNOW we'll go overboard "making it up" to the kids -- whether we take them shopping more, or for ice cream more often, or let them stay out past their curfew.

Our waywards count on us to cover for them. So we have to become Super Parent with all the added time and effort and money it entails. We have no choice!

And waywards count of other family members and friends to feel sorry for us and the kids and to help out more.

And our waywards just play and play and spend and spend and bang and bang.

And we just plod along doing the work of two parents, plus all the added responsiblities of the house and yard and cars. See what I mean? Plan B is a vacation for the WS.

And we, the BS, hurt from the betrayal and the abandonment and the added stress and the lack of sleep. And on top of that, we work on the legal stuff while trying to uncover the financial stuff. And it's another slap in the face to see in black and white each seedy credit card transaction for trips or meals or gifts that were not for us.

And they KNOW we will continue to pray for them.

How did I miss that? Well, heck then I would definitely do it! Think of how long that list will be of what you guys have given up because of him/her.

Jeez, I feel really whiney for fussing over the little here & there my WH gave the HW!! He took her & her children on a nice little vaca to ATL. Yuck! And $250 for car insurance or gas money doesn't seem so bad. Compared to $12,000! But, that con thing must go along with the game. I noticed she was buying all her groceries with one of his cards. Oddly enough, it was ALWAYS an even amount! Always either $45 or $50 a day. I kept thinking, jeez that's a lot of groceries for someone that doesn't cook! Then, my sis said "she's spending a couple dollars & taking cash for herself!!" Not a bad deal! That explains how she could be unemployed & still keep buying those skanky clothes!!! Her FBH said she funded her first affair by doing the same thing. My WH refuses to believe it. No way she would do it!

Actually, the $12,000 may just be a drop in the bucket. Put it this way, it's the only check I FOUND. And then there's all the credit card transactions I had nothing to do with and withdraws from our now maxed out home equity loan.

So it's not like he HAD money to spend on her or the A. He just basically stole it from our house or "creatively" financed it. After all, he's a banker and does this every day for a living.

Now he needs to pay the piper since stupid [censored] decided to file and stupid [censored] will now have to account for every freak"n dime he spent. I hope that's the reality check he needs to wake up so he can see the Karma bus as it runs him over.

Nice guy. Hope he can live on love when it's all said and done. And if the kids and I lose the house, there will be blood on his hands!!!

Maybe stupid [censored] & the OW can get a welfare apartment next door to my WH & his OW!!! They are only $360 a month!!!! Now,that's what I call living on love!!

How is it all these WHs are so stupid as to run themselves into the ground supporting the OW?

Time after time I am shocked at how men think with their teeny head rather than the big one...

It does make you wonder! WH is considered to be super smart & very good at his job. Not so smart when it comes to OW. Her FBH said she would bleed him dry, WH denied it. Later admitted she spent money like water & on really stupid stuff. She has had 2 cars repossessed 4 times. Been evicted and lost more jobs than I can even keep up with. The best part is, for the last few weeks he keeps saying the only reason he's been around is because I "have him over a barrel financially" and I should make my own living & allow him his money.

My friend made the observation- he & I get almost exactly the same amount of money. I have (for this part of the world) a large house payment, car payment, utilities and support of 3 girls. So, 4 of us live on our half of the money.
He lives with OW contributes exactly $300 towards expenses. Makes his car payment, ins, his own personal living expenses like gas, lunches & pays our cell phones.
She receives assistance, has some sort of very part time job & gets a little child support. We have the $360 welfare apartment & the latest car she's managed to get. Why are they broke?? Her daycare is subsidized, her apt is subsidized & I would bet she receives food stamps. What are they doing with their money??? If I can manage my large expense with my half, why can't they cover they smaller ones with more money???
Oh wait, I forgot! They are really busy bowling, going to bars & shopping at the adult bookstore!! (That was a fun credit card statement to get!)

Hi Happytobe, not to steal HH sitch, but did you turn her into the welfare board for living with someone while being subsidized. I know it will put an additional strain on their living arrangement even though it will impact yours more but temporarily.

HH, the financial mole! Can't wait to see what else you will unearth. I think you are right. It is the tip of the iceberg and there will be more creative stealing from the household. Do you ever wonder that WH being in that field that he might get desperate and put his hands in the cookie jar at work to support his OW sleaze habit. Just a thought since he is running out of money.

Yep...checked another credit card today. Sheeeeez.....where is he getting the money?

Oh -- yeah -- MY tax refund. [censored] must LOVE playing sugar daddy to bimbo. And buying her all that fancy jewelry -- just dressing up a pig (stealing from your saying, Hope).

Yep...How long can he keep it up?

And maybe, just maybe...this is just what I need -- this anger, this rage, this discovery of the money -- to help me empty my LB for good.

We've been together for over 30 years -- since age 15. And I need to let go of him and any love left for him so I can move on or "get over it." And by hating him, seeing the lies and cheating right before my eyes, to know that he's still spending on her and her kids like a drunken sailor -- I need to think of him of the person he is NOW, not the man I remember.

Because I think it would be total AGONY to go through the divorce and life afterwards still loving him.

Sad.

I agree you should report her to the welfare board. They don't take kindly to cheaters. Great way to put more strain on the A.

OK-- as painful as it is, I have to keep digging into the financial stuff for upcoming court date.

So...since first of year (4 months), [censored] has been to Vegas 5 times and elsewhere 3 times at a cost of -- that I can tell -- over $4,000.

Seems to me that my attorney should argue that since [censored] has PLENTY of money to throw around taking skanky out of town, he can at least pay my attorney fees AND give me my share of the tax refund.

Man -- when will this guy hit the bottom?

He has no one on his side. He's spending like a rock star. The kids are not responding to his texts. He boo-hooed that he wants to rebuild his relationship with his kids. OW is milking him dry (in more ways than one). I'm not speaking to him nor are his parents, people are "looking at him" funny. His reputation is shot. His values and morals are in the toliet. AND I'll be retaining attorney (something he FORBID me to do) this week to fight the D he filed.

I wish this were a movie that I could fast forward to the end. But I need to stay strong and steady. Unemotional. Business-like and calculating. Turn it over to God. I'm on the right side.

Be the ball.

And keep growing a pair of big, hairy ones.....(sorry, but that's what one of my friends keeps reminding me to do)

HH,

My WH did the same thing. He would use his corporate Amex to pay for stuff, then when the bill came and his expense check didn't cover it, he took advances on our joint card and opened a few other cards to take advances on them. I filed for legal seperation to guard myself against all of that debt. Most of his check right now goes to credit card payments. My atty is fighting so that I don't have to assume any of the debt run up on OW. I'm sure if he has to pay support to me, she'll drop him like a hot potatoe because he'll be pretty dry in the well at that point.

Keep digging. My guess is that you haven't hit bottom yet.

Believe me, I've considered it. Only thing that's stopped me so far is concern for her kids.

I officially retained attorney today. It's hard paying that kind of money for something I did not initiate, but I really had no other option. And I will be pushing to have [censored] pay 100% of the fees -- trust me!!

But before I handed over my check, I looked attorney straight in the eye and asked "Can you be a big [censored] dealing with [censored]?" And he said "yes, with pleasure." Gotta love that!

I went over my goals and gave him what information I had. I did overwhelm him a little with all the detail. He said it was like taking a drink from a fire hose.

And boy do I have some good stuff. Good stuff that I hope -- pray -- will be worthwhile down the line when I really need to pull a rabbit out of my hat.

So game plan is to try and stay married as long as possible.

Man...do I really want to stay married as long as possible?

Gotta wonder after tonight. DD16 just got back from the movies and who did she see outside the theater? Well, [censored] and the bimbo with another couple.

Luckily DD was in her car driving by. She said she wondered what would have happened if she had been walking by and saw them. She's upset, I can tell.

I guess they're no longer "underground" since [censored] and POSOW are out on a Saturday night at the biggest hangout spot in town. It was just a matter of time before this happened.

On one hand, I want to text [censored] right now and tell him what a POS he is and that he's upset DD. But, on the other hand, I KNOW it will do no good and he'll say "get over it."

I just have to accept that he's not hiding her anymore and that I will get my say in court.

And boy will I get my say. Hopefully, Mr. Selfish will be knocked off his high horse big time!

HH,

Keep on course. One thing that keeps me going in this D is remembering that what I don't get, OP will get, and I'll be d@mned if I'm going to stand by and watch her take what I have worked 30 years for. And you have younger children to fight for too. Let your atty rip him a new one.

And you know, the best thing is to stay dark. It's so tempting to let them have it but it doesn't really help. It's just a waste of your energy, and the outburst only strengthens their case.

You are doing good....

I hear ya, sister. It would be a total waste of energy for me to react to him.

And the movie DD saw was "Obsession" in which a wife is tormented by the other woman. (At least that's what the previews implies.)

I had to ask her how the movie ended and, without giving it away, she said the audience cheered. (Hint, hint -- not EVERYONE is a wayward or OP.)

Maybe it's one of those empowering movies we both need to watch to keep us on track and focused. We can live vicariously through Beyonce. Hummm.....

Hey HH,

WH + OW + movie hangout on Saturday = scumbags

You know how I feel when it affects our kids. They are the innocent victims in this and never asks for the results of these sleazy A. I know my D15 hates that we are getting D. She told me she does not want to move back east because she does not want to go back to school from her hometown and tell them we are D. How sad is that.

keep mining that financial stuff. I have to provide more to my atty and I pray that H gets nothing. I do not want 1 cent going to the OW. It is blood money. Our sweat and tears and blood that we worked for all these years. Why should she benefit for our dreams.

take care.

It's official. [censored] hired an attorney today. He called to tell me the news. What a gem!!

And as for icing on the cake, he said the kids won't have money for college because of the attorney fees and he wouldn't have had to hire one if I hadn't hired one in the first place and ...well, you know the rest...Holyheart gets blamed for everything!

Hum...why are waywards SOOOOOOOOOO stupid and forgetful? He had the A. He left me and the kids. He filed. He said he'd give me a proposal and that attorneys wouldn't be necessary. Then...then...a notice of a court date showed up in the mail because [censored] started pushing forward the process!!

Unbelieveable....What in the f was I suppose to do? Stand in front of Judge Judy and smile?

I've been the deer in the headlights long enough. Let's let the attorney's duke it out for a change. I need a Plan B vacation.

Call his mom and tell HER.

MAKE SURE your attorney stipulates that he set up a 529 college fund for each of the kids to be direct deposited from his paycheck for $XXXX! Do NOT trust him to provide it like my mom did. My dad wouldn't even let me stay in his house so I could afford to go full-time and work at night; I had to work full-time and take 15 years to get my degree.

I forgot this little bit from the exchange the other day with [censored]. [censored] informed me he's looking to buy a house so he has room for the kids to come stay with him.

This must be a tactic suggested by his attorney to save face during the divorce. Funny that he said this considering he put on his disclosure form in black and white that he spends 0.00% of time with kids and Holyheart spends 100.00% of time with kids AND that he's living with "girlfriend" and "girlfriend's sons."

I still can't believe that he disclosed these things. You'd think he would have put something -- even 2% of time spent with our kids -- instead of zero. And instead, should have said he was living with a "friend" instead of "girlfriend." Sheezzzz...

And as for buying a house -- hello!-- he's in debt up to his eyeballs and the only asset he has is our up-side-down house. Who would loan him a dime?

And come to find out -- [censored] is still pushing this thing through. His attorney called my attorney the SAME DAY [censored] met with him to set up a meeting. My guess is that Skankyho is hoping for a summer wedding.

And yes, Cat, his mother and father know all. Hey -- they are my biggest supporters. Said they'd even testify against [censored] if need be.

Gotta love that!!!

And I know, I know -- back to Plan B. Now that [censored] has attorney, there should be no more exchanges between us. I seem to recall someone posting the expression "My lawyer will be handling that." So that will be my pat answer for everything from now on.

But this is still so hard to accept that the d is moving ahead. And for the last two nights, [censored] has been in my dream.

I miss my H...not [censored]...but my pre-A, pre-midlife, pre-a-hole H.

Well, I was just wondering if they are actively giving him a hard time. Who else can harass him?

His parents? Oh, yeah. Whenever they talk to [censored] (he picks up his mail there occasionally), they let him have it.

So who else can harass him? Hummmm.....everyone I know knows. And many have tried to talk with him. I've told family and friends to "back off" when he was home during recovery attempts and to "do, say, whatever you want to him or OW" when he's gone and wayward. I've heard that OW has received texts and phone messages from who knows who calling her names. I plead the 5th on that.

I've seen OWs Facebook page with her and [censored] posing like teenagers (gag). I haven't harassed her from that angle. (yet)

Any suggestions how to ramp up harassment to the 10th degree WITHOUT jeaporizing the D?

I know, I know.....stay dark.

"Exxxxxxxcellent" - Monty Burns

Chris -- You are always the voice of reason. The voice of EXPERIENCED reason.

And it looks like life is pretty rosy on the other side for you and DD.

Happy Mother's Day. Hope you enjoy the flowers, perfume, candy and girly, girly things DD gives you (hee, hee).

Yep, DARK. But,keep the financial pressure on. That will definitely put a strain on the A. I think OWs resent any money being spent on the wifey.

Just thinking about parenting on this Mother's Day.

I'm recalling the many parent-teacher conferences throughout the years for our 3 kids. Both [censored] and I would attend and we'd joke beforehand knowing full well what each teacher would say....

"Mr. and Mrs. Holyheart. What can I say? You should be so proud of your child. He/she's the top student in my class. He/she has such great qualities. Excellent work ethic. Smart. Helpful to me and the other students. Friendly. Never misses a homework assignment. Always prepared. Wish all my students could be like them."

Then the question -- "What is YOUR secret to raising such a great kid? Your child is the student every teacher dreams of having in their class."

One teacher was expecting her first child and spent the whole conference asking us for advice!

We would laugh and say that we're doing nothing special -- just doing what we thought every parent was doing. We spend time with our kids. We pay attention their homework AND their friends. We know their business. We believe in family and family-first. We eat our meals together. We go to church together. Blah, blah, blah....

Now my kids are teenagers and [censored] is basically out of their lives. He spends zero time with our kids. He has no clue of their homework assignments nor their friends. He does not know their business. He has abandoned them and broken up our family. He's turned his back on the church. Blah, blah, blah.......

He's obviously counting on me to continue what we started. He thinks the foundation WE layed is enough. He's done with the "unglamorous" day-to-day parenting and, when he feels like it, may show up at an activity or game.

But I can't stop parenting despite the pain I've experienced and the increased workload I'm under. I have to do the work of two parents as my kids manuever through their teen years with the added pressures of sex, drugs, peers, etc.

Parenting never ends -- should never end --

Financial pressure MUST be building.

[censored] wants us -- without attornies -- to hammer out a financial deal. Says he and I can pretty much come up with something then pass it along to attornies to save money.

Hummm....I don't think so, buddy. Remember -- I'm not your friend, you are living with Bimbo and her kids, you cannot be trusted, you are divorcing me, etc.

I'm just ignoring him. And don't worry -- I'm keeping with my "no negotiating with terriorists or waywards" motto.

Funny how money, not the kids, is his number one settlement priority. Just goes to show you where his head is.

What a maroon!

We know where his head is...up his backside. Oh wait what head are we talking about...

OK---Holyheart is getting a life.

Pole dance class last night, pedicure today, who knows what tomorrow.

So watch out, [censored]. Holyheart is not only GAL but is getting real angry.

So don't F with her.

"When you see my face, hope it gives you hell...." LOVE that song.....

Simple sermon at church this evening. How we serve God when we serve others.

Even little, thankless deeds like driving the kids to soccer practice or making their lunches or doing the laundry are examples of living the life God expects us to. Trouble starts when we become selfish and put our needs in front of others. Hummmm....I wonder who that could be?

I'm still reading "The Shack." There is an example of how we are to look at God in terms of priorities. The example is a mobile with God as the center and all the other things in life (spouse, kids, job, finances, etc.) floating around the center.

I invision the solar system. God is the sun and the other things are the plants and stars. Some are bigger (more important) than others. But ALL evolve around God. And, like the sun, God plays a part in each of the planets and each of the stars and each of the floating garbage.

OK -- I'm not a science major so don't 2X4 me if my solar system isn't accurate.

Bottomline -- I've been looking at God as the top of a Maslow-type hiarechy of needs with other priorities of spouse and kids and job, etc. as being below. I now like "The Shack's" version better with God as the center and God having a hand in everything. And depending on the size of the planet or star, God's hand may be more involved than others.

I am still turning my situation to God and I see His influence now in different ways. I say it was a Godly thing that [censored] charged stuff on the credit card. And God directly me to find just the right attorney. And God had a hand in leading me to find the receipt I needed. And God is keeping me strong to battle for my family.

I still think I am on the winning team. [censored] is playing for the losers. God is my coach and the devil is his.

Didn't mean to get preachy, but I FIRMLY believe that as long as you are living the right life, God will be there for you and will lead you to where you need to be.

Hi HH, Your right, I used to try and control and got no where. Now I watch what God is doing and I could not come close.

I do believe as long as the waywards continue to live this life that no good will come there way. I know my H is now on AD, if he is soooo happy is it because he needs to take drugs and drink to get that way.

This is where God wants us know for whatever reason.

Me preaching again. Doing yardwork since it finally cooled down and just had a revelation.

During one of [censored]'s false recoveries, we met with our priest who said that each of us were responsible for our spouse getting into heaven. Like I was responsible for [censored] getting into heaven and he was responsible for me. I thought "Holy [censored], I'm doomed."

Now I get it. See...because I'm still being selfless under the circumstances of [censored]'s betrayal and I'm still holding out hope for [censored] to turn away from his sins and because I will continue to teach my kids and stay true to the values and morals of God, then BECAUSE of [censored], I will get to heaven.

And, because of the way [censored] betrayed me and broke his vows between me and him and God, and because of the way [censored] is living with Bimbo and her kids and has turned his back on our marriage and ME, well -- [censored] will be headed in the other direction.

OK, OK...I'm not God...and I'm not judging who gets in heaven and who doesn't.

But, my priest said that each spouse helped each other into heaven. And if I'm understanding this right, [censored]'s affair is leading him down the path to hell and my unconditional love and willingness to forgive him is leading me towards heaven.

Whew...I feel better!

OK -- another revelation....we PICK our spouse. It's not like our parents or siblings who we have no say in who we get. And, face it, we don't choose our kids. They're a mixture of genes and we get what we get.

So if we can't treat well and remain loyal to the person we CHOSE out of everyone else in the world, then something is wrong.

OK -- back to yardwork.

HH, This makes me feel better about all my waiting for WH to wake up. Its like I wonder why I am willing to wait it out. But I took my vows serious, for better or WORSE, and I am willing to forgive MY WH for all the hell he put me thru, if he is willing to stop sinning and work on our family.

But if he is not willing to do his part, at least in gods eyes we didnt let our pride take us over and dump WH sorry asses right when we found out they were wayward. WE gave it the best chance we could and moved on. ANd now I will be fine in my heart if wayward doesnt come back Ill know I have given him every chance that my heart could take.

Exactly. We did the "WWJD" thing dealing with the affair.

Now -- the tough part -- WWJD as I proceed with the D HE initiated?

WWJD? Protect the innocents -- my kids. And to protect them, I will need to nail [censored]'s sorry a$$.

IN j's name. AMEN

Today is an awesome day. DS is graduating with honors. I am so proud of him.

He's a dream kid. 4.09 GPA. Three scholarships for college. Member of the student council. Lettered in two sports.

He keeps his room clean. He tells me he loves me. He does his own laundry. He takes out the trash and makes sure the doors are locked at night.

He goes to mass each week. He works out every day. He's handsome and funny.

And he has values and morals. So strong is his commitment to our family that he's been in Plan B since his d-day.

For 16 months, he has not spoken to his Dad.

Being a young man of few words, he very simply asked me "Why can't Dad just be a Dad? Why does he have to dress in expensive clothes and buy an expensive lap top and have the latest phone? I just want my Dad back."

And as for apologizing -- [censored] "tried" via text message. DS said "anyone can send a text. Not the same."

I love my DS.

Today -- please pray for him as he walks the stage tonight. He has upheld to the letter his school's theme for the year: COURAGE OF FAITH.

In case you are wondering -- [censored] was mailed a ticket to attend the graduation ceremony. Just like a friend or a neighbor.

If he attends, fine. If he doesn't, fine. It is his loss.

And today is not about [censored], anyway. It is about DS and his accomplishments.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! You raised a great kid.

Ahhhh...thanks. And his two sisters are pretty great, too.

Hey HH, both of our threads have months gone. Feels weird that it has disappeared.

Wish the problems that go with it have also gone.

And on a funny note...erkel????

Hope, have you heard from HH?

Ok, I'm a little bummed that we lost the part where she spent the credit card. That was VINTAGE action.

Hi Holy, We are thinking about ya.

I am blessed to hear from HH all the time. She is a rock especially during the crashing and burning of MB.

I am sure she will be strolling on here soon for updates.

She is doing well in spite of it all. She is an awesome Mom and protects them like a Lioness. She has her faith and spirituality that gives her strength.

Yes the using of the CC was one of my favorite sections of this thread. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when he checked the card and saw that it jumped to 17K in 5 days. She did only use it for what was needed for family; tuition, food, doctors, insurance etc. I would at least have booked a mini-vacation for myself and the family.

insert claps, hugs, prayers

I'm back. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.

Yep, if I do say so myself, the credit card hijack still makes me chuckle. Grand total was $17,288.55 over 5 days. To be a fly on the wall when he found out, like Hope said, would have been PRICELESS. He probably wished he were still on his high blood pressure meds when that news hit.

As expected, D!ck went ballistic. He called his mom and made her cry. Said he's quiting his job and disappearing and that the kids and I will get not another dime out of him. Then he cussed out his Dad and referred to me by his new pet name -- The Fing B. How sweet!!

He even sunk so low as to transfer the remaining $50.22 I had left in my checking account into his account. And -- as I reported before the MB breakdown -- without any notice, he took himself and his vehicle off our auto insurance policy leaving me, the kids and three vehicles on an unpaid policy. What else? Kicked me off his cell phone policy. Dropped off all the bills to his parents' house. He cleaned out two more lines of credit. He's still not seeing the kids and exchanging fewer and fewer texts between them.

But not all is peaches and cream on the other side of the mountain. Invincible D!ck ended up in the emergency room on Monday. Seems he got stung twice in a three day span and had an allergic reaction. Now, I've known this man for 32 years and he's not allergic to stings. And to go to the emergency room... especially in light of the flu outbreak... must have meant it was serious indeed.

And -- I KNOW God in intervening here -- D!ck told DD that he first got stung by a wasp on the golf course. Well, last Friday, I sent him a text reminder about the temporary support order asking if he had deposited funds in my account or mailed me a check. He said he was waiting to hear from his attorney about whether he REALLY had to pay. I text that I had a copy of the signed order, that he was already a day late, and offered to fax him a copy of the order if he didn't believe me. His response "playing golf." I bet my last $17,288.55 that he was stung the first time then... on the golf course...while he was being a d!ck about paying support.

But God wasn't through with him. Gave him another good stinger either Saturday or Sunday. Poor D!ck -- as much as he hates me, he had to text me Monday morning asking for the policy number for our health insurance.

And there's more, MUCH MORE, D!ck news than I have time to report at the moment. He is a snowball headed for hEll. You would not believe me if I told you the crazy stuff he's done just since MB has been down. Thank goodness I've taken myself out of the day-to-day interactions. I have very limited contact -- like the text inquiry re: support -- and the stuff I hear from other people. He is not on vacation, he's just plain CRAZY.

I feel vindicated that I'm not the problem. D!ck is way, way off kilter in every aspect of his life. EVERYBODY sees him as a train wreck in slow motion. I'm staying out of his way the best I can.

Seriously, I now feel that if it wasn't Bimbo, it would have been some one else. D!ck is mental -- either because there is a medical condition (I've recently discovered several of D!ck's relatives are under medication for depression and other conditions) or because of his arrogance/entitlement personality.

It doesn't matter which, really. Only D!ck can do anything about his health and his pride.

Next court date is November 12.

I think the moment that we BS's get this REALIZATION it is a gift from G-d. It comes in his time, but it usually does come in a way that impacts us the most to believe it.

Thank you G-d

I LOVE it when God does His thing

I think you should try and recreate the credit card post as much as possible because that really was totally awesome, and such a boost around these here parts

Sure enough, Lil.

I'm off with my girls for the evening. Will definitely recreate the infamous credit card story soon.

OMG!! He is melting down drop by drop. And Holy, I have thought the same thing many times - that if it wasn't Miss Mullet it would have been someone else in the bar. They're all the same - looking for a sugar daddy. Any "body" that gives admiration to these guys gets the prize (if you can call it that).

And D!ck can't support his kids but he can play golf? Sorry, but hopefully he runs into a hornet's nest next time he's out on the course.

HH, can we drop D*ck off at a Bee Honey farm..teehehe

Chai hugs and prayer to you on monday.

Hey HH, just saw this article about the Gosslins, maybe you should forward it to WH -- maybe it will make him a bit nervous and accountable!



Kate Gosselin's lawyer just released a statement regarding the judge's decision this morning to force Jon to hand over the cash he ripped out of the couple's joint bank account a few weeks ago:

"We are clearly pleased that the monies taken by Mr. Gosselin have been returned to the marital account, and we look forward to recouping additional monies taken by Mr. Gosselin at the time of the parties' private arbitration hearings.

A total of at least $235,000 was taken by Mr. Gosselin, and despite his initial comments denying responsibility, we have established that Ms. Gosselin needed emergency relief to prevent her economic claims from being compromised."

Kate was not at court in Pennsylvania for today's proceedings -- her lawyer explained that she was not required to be there in person ... she was only required to provide a "complete accounting of funds" ... which she did.

I'm in the duck and cover mode.

Got call from attorney that D!ck is being served a subponea to turn over financial documents. My attorney took D!ck's threat of quiting his job and disappearing as serious... especially in light of the fact that he took $50K out of two lines of credit over the past few weeks.

Doors locked.

I can see it all now!
Scenerio:
Hello Ms Secretary is Mr. D@ck in?
Ms. Secretary (wondering) why yes I will let you in.
Mr D$ck sitting at his expansive desk waiting for the universe to deliver to him.
Hello Mr D)ck, can you sign for this?
Mr D@ck signs looking confused.
Have a nice day.
Sheriff leaves the building
Building shakes
Mr. D*ck head implodes -- shock wave can be heard for miles

We can't make this stuff us!!!

He's done other stuff? Oh, please, tell us!

It's like watching a train wreck, you almost don't want to look away.

OK... Karmarose... you asked.

Seems D!ck thinks he can make a million bucks off Bimbo's kids. Two of the three... along with two other kids... have their own hip hop/jerkin dance group. I found details and photos on their myspace page.

Well, I intercepted a few emails and found out that D!ck has been negotiating with a producer to make these kids stars. They are to record an album, dance in competitions and clubs, and perform at schools. Even saw a reference to the kids being a part of a TV reality program.

D!ck has never been a fan of the hip hop/rap/urban scene. So it amazes me that he's now so involved in her kids. Well, maybe not really "involved" as in a parent or soon-to-be-step dad role but in a financial role.

Ironic that he won't even visit or talk with his own kids but is eager to "pimp" out her kids for a few bucks. I say "pimp" because he's the sugar daddy -- likely footing the bill for their clothes and bills and such -- in hopes that they turn enough tricks to make him his million.

This is weird sheet. Really weird. Oh... and the kids are teens in high school. And... you can ask Hope if you don't believe me... these kids are NOT Michael Jackson-quality performers.

How could I make this stuff up?

Holy cow!

He's a real D!ck....

Yep... and not in a D!ck Clark American Bandstand kind of way.

He's hoping to hit it big using Bimbo's kids. To me, these kids are a dime a dozen... no different from any other kids across the county who "think they can dance."

D!ck's behavior is getting more and more bazaar and DESPERATE every day. He's looking for a quick way out of the financial mess he's gotten himself into instead of stepping up to the plate and coming up with a reasonable solution.

My other observation? What a recipe for disaster between him and Bimbo. Bimbo the first class golddigger rubbing elbows and other body parts with men who can further her kids' careers? And if they have a big wad of cash in their pockets? Oh, my... won't that seal the deal.

So I expect fireworks in the TRUST department.

"Oh, D!ck, I was only flirting with that rapper dude because he said he'd tell me the secret to getting my kids on stage. I swear I only went to his hotel room to meet his manager. I have no idea how that video of me and him ended up on TMZ."

Is this Karma in motion or what?

OMG, yeah that karma is in motion all right..that is hysterical.

It also proves that he has gone off the deep end.

Well that's interesting. Is that where that new batch of $thousands has gone? I would think that this would just be more ammo for you in front of the judge. He won't give his own kids a dime but will invest in someone else's kids?

Is this man ever going to hit bottom or is he just going to keep finding new places to dig?

I'm guessing the subpoena got served. Got a text from D!ck saying "keep spending money on attorney. Drag it out. I really don't care."

Now, if SchoolBus were to analyze this, she'd say to pay particular attention to the third sentence. "I really don't care."

Me thinks he cares plenty. He doesn't want his financial skeletons coming out of the closet at all. You'd think that he'd offer a settlement -- ANY settlement -- instead of sitting idle and making me push the process.

He started this. He's getting what he wants. He just wished it didn't come with such a huge price tag. But he bought this new life of his. A little too late for buyer's remorse now.

Well Halloween is coming and he can wear a skeleton costume along with a business suit. All the skeletons will come out of the closet and it might as well start then. Maybe OW could wear a .itch oops witch costume .

well spotted. Kind of just shouts out what's up, doesnt it?

Well I guess I'm headed for court on Thursday. Since no meetings have been scheduled and nothings been decided (except D!ck is really, truly a d!ck), another postponement will likely happen.

Lastest is that he finally agreed to meet the DDs for lunch on Saturday. After 4 months of not seeing each other, you'd think he would have learned WHAT NOT TO SAY. Like they are not interested in Bimbo and have no desire to meet her. Like their mom (me) is not pranking calling Bimbo twice a day and leaving harassing messages. Like they do not want to hear that if they or anyone else can't deal with his choices, that he doesn't give a sheet.

It wasn't even an hour lunch and instead of D!ck focusing on what the heck his DDs have been doing for that time, he chose to make it "all about him" -- his music choices, his wanting back his bike and some crap in the attic, him wanting them to meet Bimbo (fyi-- one DD said "never" and the other said "in a decade or two"), etc.

According to older DD, he got annoyed with them for not acting like everything was OK. He asked her "is this the way it's gonna be from now on" she reminded him that it's a two way street and he needs to make some effort. She even suggested the three of them see a therapist to work on their relationship. (She actually said that mom (me) had suggested this). He asked what she thought of it and DD said it wasn't a bad idea.

So... recap... [censored] is still trying to push his agenda. He's not sensitive that the girls are having a hard time coping. He's incapable of taking their feelings into account by the choice of topics. After waiting 4 months for a face-to-face, he couldn't be a dad for a short 60 minutes. Sooooo sad.

I'm proud of the girls for trying to get together with him. DD said she doesn't want to be bitter because "bitter people die young." I said I'm hurt that he can't see how his choices have affected you. She said that she can separate him from his choices because she had a great dad for 15 years (she's now 17) and THAT dad and the adults in her life now will be who influence her -- not the dad she has now.

And D!ck accusing me of harassing Bimbo -- I couldn't stand it -- I let him have it via voice mail. Said I'll discuss action with my attorney. Haul both their asses into court for slander and file a civil suit. I swore I have nothing to do with the calls even suggesting that Bimbo be making it all up to make me look bad. And reminded him -- I'M NOT A LIAR.

Whew... what a weekend. Tears for the first time in a long, long time.

I'm amazed how former great dads can turn into such selfish people! Sounds like your D17 has a great perspective... good for her. She's more mature than her dad.

After 6 months of community service and 4 months in jail (drunk driving) my WH had his first weekend in nearly a year free. I thought he'd want to spend it with the kids... maybe even go to church but no, instead he went out of town with OW. His loss!

Keep taking the high road... your kids know the difference.

D!ck is a dork...

Attorney's office said it's not worth it to complain about him saying falsehoods about me to the girls. Even if the court puts it in writing for him to stop, the order won't -- really can't --be enforced. Oh, well. It felt good to scream at him through the phone.

So I'm back to firing back financially. I've been digging and digging and D!ck will not be too pleased at what I found. Actually, I didn't really have to dig... he made that easy by putting virtually everything on the credit card. What an amature and what arrogance!!

I read an article this weekend about the cost of keeping a mistress. The estimate was about $40,000 a year. The article said if you're "prepared" and preplan it, you can stash away cash to finance it and noone is the wiser. But if you're winging it and foolishly going along for the ride and end up using credit cards and ATM withdraws, then a paper trail will follow. And the latter senerio is just what you want if you're a BS trying to prove that marital funds were used in a "mon-marital" way.

Good thing D!ck was lazy, arrogant, and didn't preplan. It's now time for him to pay.

Holy,

Your Wh is definitely about as arrogant as they come.
But will he ever be surprised when you present all of the evidence regarding misuse of marital funds. He thinks he is smarter than you and that you will never figure it out. And he says YOU are going down?

Yep, arrogance brings them down everytime.

Update?

Did you have court yesterday?

I survived court yesterday, if you can even call it "court." I sat in the hallway for 3 1/2 hours only to be told that we won't be going before the judge, that D!ck hasn't got his financial documents ready yet and needs another week, and we need to set up a meeting to discuss.

And -- I looked fabulous. The lady next to me told me I looked HOT in my slinky dress (thanks SPANKS).

Did get some time with my attorney to discuss blantant financial miscues. I swear, I'm now starting to believe what a "good ole boy" network these attorneys are in. They seem to not want to rock the boat about certain issues or blindside their peer in fear that the same thing might happen to them. All in all, I can see their point since this is their profession and clients come and go -- but come on....

Oh... and D!ck's tactics have stepped up a bit. He sent me two taunting text messages a half hour before court time. He KNEW I'd read them before I got there and he purposely tried to unnerve me. One mentioned seeing me at our DDs game that night and adding that "he and OW want to see our girls."

All talk -- no action -- since I was at game with ILs (both sets) and D!ck missed an exciting game where DD was the star. Her name was mentioned in the newspaper today, and the championship game is tomorrow. And if he DARES show up with Bimbo, all bets are off as for no LBs or being silent.

Better yet -- I'll let MIL take care of the encounter. She's dying to meet Bimbo and exchange a few -- er -- pleasantries.

Nice to meet you Bimbo.....

HH,

That is so frustrating. I went through about 4 hallway dates before we finally got in front of the judge.

I am still so amazed everytime I read of cases where waywards want to insert the OP right into the family mix and have them accepted by all. There is just not one ounce of shame or sensitivity to the BS. Unbelievable.

I hope your MIL gives her a few choice words to think about. That will really put a strain on the A. Bimbo will never feel accepted and that will cause a few fights I imagine....

Hang in girlfriend.

I joked with MIL and FIL about extending an olive branch to include them in our Thanksgiving celebration. Of course, we all kidded about the dynamics of Bimbo and her three kids sitting around the dinner table with ILs, me and our kids, and the extended family. And I teased MIL about what Christmas gifts she'll be buying her future DIL and step-grandkids.

We have to see SOME humor in the situation of we'd all go a little daffy.

HH, hugs. Don't let the passive aggressive tactics wear you down.

For them it is about MONEY; or lack of. They drained all of their resources and now they are entitled to live out their lives and have the BS help them in their fantasy.

My XH is blaming the debt in the MARRIAGE for his financial problems now. I never encouraged him to spend 35K on PP and all the vacations they took.

It is not YOUR fault and you did not cause this.

You are one smart chickie and I would not want to mess with you and your forensic accountant skills that you have acquired.

Maybe we should open up a PI agency after all of this. It should be called "Kick your Wayward's Butt in Court". Very poetic...

I'M FUMING. Picked up mail after attending DDs out of town championship game (lost but GREAT season). Support check arrived written for half required amount. WTF??? Included was itemized list of things D!ck decided to deduct from the court ordered amount. Is this legal???

FIl stepped in and tried calling D!ck. Since payment isn't due until tomorrow, FIL left two options via voicemail: either deliver check tomorrow or FIL will plant himself in D!ck's office Monday morning to pick it up.

Yeah, yeah... I know. Leave it to the attorney's to hash out. But how long will that take? D!ck can do this the EASY way and pay up without attorneys or the HARD way which may equate to D!ck being slammed with a contempt charge. OK -- I don't know if this even warrants a "contempt charge" -- but, come on.... He was ordered to pay me a specific dollar amount on the 15th of the month and HE shouldn't be able to pick and choose what he wants to deduct from it.

And the deductions.... what an a$$. The kids portion of his cell phone bill. Interest on money I took off a line of credit in January (he's calculated the daily interest amount and multiplied that by the number of days) and others. AND -- he said he's going to deduct from my support the cost of the kids health insurance that he paid for the entire year of 2009.

OHHHHH..... I'M FUMING. I'M SOOOOOOOOO PO'd. I got the winner for THE WORSE WH EVER.

He seems to forget that every road block he puts up DELAYS the D. And he's the one who wants the D. And once the D is done, he can live happily ever after with Bimbo and they can be on VACATION from me FOREVER.

Maybe I need to change my title to... Plan D - A Vacation for WS?

Nah, after this gets finished, you'll be wanting it called, Plan D - A vacation from the WS

You are right, Lil. Unfortunately, I can't just snap my fingers and the D be done and a life-long vacation begin. I swear it's a battle every day. I wish I could be in a real B and just mosey along and not worry about anything. But considering the situation I'm in, a "don't worry, be happy" attitude would be a financial death sentence to me and my kids.

So I keep plugging away everyday. And since my real job ended this past week, I'll have plenty of more time to devout to my case.

I think it's great that you have supportive inlaws!

HH, Luna posted this on her thread for you. But I wasn't sure if you would see it and I really like it...

Nice to hear from you, Queenie.

An attitude of gratitude themed post. I am thankful for much. Luna is right. I just have to take it one day at a time. I often say to others who ask how I'm doing -- "I have a roof over my head, food in the frig, my kids with me, and I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING." I guess it comes down to that... If you can say every day that you are doing the right thing, then what else is there? And if I'm doing the right thing, then -- really -- I'm doing the GOD thing.

Well, personally I think we are human and there is a LOT else. For me that came after I got it right with G-d.

Now, don't get me wrong. I find what your WH did despicable and I hope he isn't allowed to do it. But he's like an addict and they are selfish creatures that will look for any out to keep what they believe is theres. Yours seems very vindictive, mean and controlling.

Let the others fight your battle, so you don't give him any more reason to hurt you. Let G-d have him if you know what I mean.

I hope you give your FIL a big fat hug.

FIl is the most patient, kind and gentle soul. He loves taking his youngest grandson to the park and playing in the sprinklers with him. He tutors one of his granddaughters almost nightly on her math and helps any of the other grandkids on whatever projects they may have. He and MIL go to almost every event that involve their grandkids or their schools -- no matter how big or small or how far the distance. And FIL likes to sing and dance and do cart wheels and eat chocolate -- just because.

That being said, I had never heard this man swear until this past year. Rarely over the 32 years I've known him have I even heard him raise his voice. Sad that he has had to cuss and raise his voice at his son for his son to even take notice.

FIL's latest advice is for me to just say to D!ck should he call or text -- "F off." And to think FIL was in the seminary at one time to become a priest. Yep, A's affect everyone they touch and change us all.

HH,

I am so sorry. Yes, you win, hands down, for the worst WH. You are in for the fight of your life I'm afraid. At this point, you have to move forward and do whatever it takes to come out of this with something for you and your kids. Sorry to say that I would put any thoughts of recovery and taking the high road behind me. It isn't going to work in this case. Your WH is too far gone at this point. I'm sure that mine would have done exactly the same thing if circumstances were different (if we had minor children etc).

We are here for you for as long as it takes. You are so lucky to have your in-laws on your side. Wow.

As I've said before, WHs like mine and yours crash and burn the hardest. It won't be pretty.

Call me later tonight if you want to talk. I'll be home....

Hi HH-

D!ck's "itemized" deductions are just part of his continued entitled attitude. Definitely let your attorney handle it with the court. Judges do not look kindly on their rulings being ignored or "modified".

It's no longer between you and XH, it's between XH and the judge and there are legal "teeth" behind the judge's ruling.

I'm so glad your FIL is standing up for your family and for what's right. He is good people and you are blessed to have your IL's in your corner.

Praying for you.

HH,

You definitely are blessed to have the IL's that you do.

I wish I could say the same thing.... blood is thicker than water in my case. Though, my FIL still comes weekly to take care of the chore of taking our garbage to the dump and having a cup of coffee with me. Too bad the garbage didn't include WH and OW My MIL just gets an attitude, superior look on her face when she sees me. And, I think, I have done nothing but love their son, and continue to do so. I have not stepped outside of my marriage, I have upheld my vows, their son didn't.

My WH is also defying the judges order, not the support order but the visitation order which clearly states that during visitation no contact with OW/kids. Well, they all went bowling last night. DS12 texts me in the middle of this, I truly believe he was reaching out to me.

Can you get the court-ordered support payments directly garnished from his wages? That's how I have it set up, and WH does not like it. I got the "why did you do that? I would have paid you." Yeah just like he was committed to our marriage and vows.

Kateydid

Thanks, all, for your continued support and words of wisdom. Yep, you'd think he's slinked to his lowest then POW another blow to the gut.

FIL and I talked today. He's going to visit his son tomorrow "come hell or high water." And MIL did her part, too. Seems she, too, left D!ck a voicemail message that FIL overheard. She said something about "burn in hell" so his spiritual side is still something she's trying to save.

I'll talk with attorney tomorrow about garnishing wages. But another key issue besides the partial check is that I now have no income since my temporary job ended. So, hopefully, when they go to the trouble of garnishing they can do it for a bigger amount. That'll go over great with D!ck, I expect.

His arrogance is out of control at this point. He's a desperate, desperate man. And all we asked him for was basic financial backup like credit card statements, recent pay stubs, expense claims, etc. He must be hiding something really, really bad.

As FIL and I discussed, if he'd just STOP LYING. Put everything out on the table. The affair is now a minor concern because you are right, recovery isn't even on the menu. But the money -- the "taking no prisoners" spend it all attitude -- Just who does he think he is? Thumb his nose and me and the kids and his parents and GOD and decency, etc.... but a court order to pay a SPECIFIC DOLLAR amount to me by the 15th of the month?

I pray that a judge will see this as blantant disregard for the system and see that D!ck's entitlement "stops at the door." Maybe a day or two in jail with the druggies and the gang members and others will give D!ck a taste of reality on the other side of the law.

He needs to fall badly for the world to be a better place. As long as he has this "no consequences" attitude, then no one is immune to his bullying. Thank goodness he's burned bridges with the kids. I'd hate to see his influence on them.

HH, I agree with the others. Now is the time to be thinking of YOU and your kids.

If and that�s a big IF WH gets that cranio-rectal operation performed on himself and there is a recovery, he will thank you for protecting assets and the kids from himself. If there isn�t a recovery, well, you�ve taken care of yourself and your future.

Today's the day I pull out the double-barrel shot gun. I'm taking no prisoners.

Have meeting set with attorney to see how hard he can get the court to come down on D!ck. Besides only sending part of the court ordered support, D!ck sent me a text yesterday saying I needed to line up health insurance because he took me off effective January 1.

I know, I know. He can't do that. My attorney already shared a story about one of his clients whose WH did this. She ended up in the hospital for a week and the WH got stuck with a bill for over $100K.

D!ck's sins for the attorney to address today: 1) less support than court ordered; 2) support late for second month in a row (he dated the checks for the day after -- cocky sucker!); 3) taking me off health insurance; 4) maxing out two lines of credit in past two months; 5) killing my credit score because of the new debt which has caused me to be denied a credit card (I hope to have pre- and post- credit scores).... I'm still prioritizing.

D!ck's latest threat? To stop the divorce and let me sink.

I'll ask the attorney what recourse I have if he stops the process. Yep, MB goal is to drag out the D until the BS ends the affair. Yet, in my situation, his motives would be pure evil to drag me and the kids down his financial rat hole. I can't do this. Like Lil said... he may thank me one day for saving whatever I could during the D. And saving what little assets I have -- like my retirement -- is my goal.

I'm starting to think of this as a poker game -- D!ck's favorite game. I woke up today feeling like the chip leader with God as the House. I know I have a winning hand when I meet with the attorney today. I don't have to bluff. D!ck will try to rattle me, no doubt, with texts or calls. I need to put my sunglasses on, put the hoodie over my head, and not give hints as to my hand.

He got his hints yesterday. His parents offered a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card if he just wrote a check for the balance of support. He declined. Said he'll take his chances in court. Such a the gambler mentality!!!

So he's already seen my ace, and his health insurance card is a 2.

I like my hand better. I doubt he has another 2.

ROLL THEM, God/Dealer.....

HH,

Good girl. Instead of the double barrel, you need to get the grenade and blow up his world. This man is about as arrogant as they come. And I don't believe that he can "stop" the D. Not if you keep going with it. And you definitely are in the driver's seat here.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I've found that these things take on a life of their own, and the only thing that stops it is a crash and burn of the WS. It just happens too late sometimes.

(((((HH))))))

I know what your mean, CL. We are runners in a marathon we didn't condition for nor sign up for. On-the-job training whether we like it or not!!!

Two more sins to add to D!ck's list...6) D!ck transfering my $50.77 balance out of my checking account into his, 7) D!ck sticking me with the kids tuition when he was the one who signed the contract with the school, 8) adjustment to temporary support amount since I'm now unemployed.

I think it's time we put together a settlement offer. D!ck told his parents yesterday that he's going to fire his attorney and skip town. Hummm... 9) threats to quit his job and hide income.

I've got a few more hours to work on my list and my documentation. Any suggestions from the peanut gallery are very much appreciated.

And I might just spring for a manicure if I have time. My luck is already running. Repair man was just here. FREE part and NO service charge.

Another ace in my hand. I raise.

No suggestions. You are doing everything right in my book.

And let him skip town. He is cutting off his nose to spite his face. The more vindictive he gets, the worse his life will be. Won't it look great at his job if he gets thrown in jail for not paying his child support. This man is on a collision course with h3ll.

It's great to have supportive friends. Just got off the phone with one who owns a mortgage company. He ran my credit score (I already had a report but not a score) so I could compare with my pre-A score. Surprise, surprise. My score is over a 100 points lower due to debt to credit ratio.

And... he's going to do an appraisal on my house to see what it's value is in today's market.

He and D!ck have been close friends for nearly 20 years. Many a night they spent in our spa drinking wine, smoking cigars, and discussing the stock market. I'd bring them out towels or water or popcorn and joke with them about what world crisis they solved that particular night.

He and his wife and kids would come over for BBQs and we'd do the same at their house. We'd go on trips together, dinners together and Mass together.

By reading the report, this friend now know the depths of D!ck's financial mess. And our friend sounded shocked at the numbers. He did say that if D!ck were leaning toward bankrupcy, then he wouldn't be making the payments. And the payments are being made -- and on time.

Perhaps D!ck is betting that if he complains he has no funds for me and the kids, that the court will allow him to pay less. I don't think that's how it works. I think income is what matters, then money for child support and spousal support, THEN he gets what's left. And if he's sqandered his share already, then the prodical son may just need to beg his way home and ask his Father's forgiveness. And by "Father" I mean THE FATHER.

I truly believe that without God in his life, he is doomed.

Judges DO NOT like THEIR orders being changed or ignored by those he ordered to comply.

HH - what impresses me more than anything is your strength in walking through this. You aren't getting mad, you aren't getting even, you are walking through this with amazing grace and dignity and yet, such absolute strength.

I would consider finding out if you can admit him to the looney ward for the mentally insane.

Ohh.... and beyond anything else.

Judges DO NOT like parents screwing over children.

Thanks Queenie and ChaiLover for letting me know I'm on the right path. I, too, am amazed at my sanity and level-headedness at times. I was so emotional at the beginning and definitely not thinking too clearly. There is no way I would have been able to investigate and analyze and keep my focus had the D been thrown at me right from the start.

I think about this happening to someone older, more dependent on their spouse, not business-sauvy. How sad! I realize that the attorneys can only do so much. No matter how betrayed you feel, you MUST spy and snoop and investigate from Day 1. And if you need help, call on a trusted family member or friend to help. Do not keep this a secret!

If I had advice for Newbies, that's what it would be. Don't wait until after the WS leaves or even when they say that the A is over. SPY, SNOOP and INVESTIGATE right from the get-go. And do not give up your sources. And do not... do not... spill the secrets you find until you absolutely have to. And nothing is off-limits because you never, never know when you may need the info. Photos, receipts, ticket stubs -- whatever. They may not make any sense at the beginning, but they will when you have to start putting the puzzle together. Keep a calendar, too, so you can reconcile credit card transactions with what was going on that day. Thankfully, I keep my purse calendars each year and I alway wrote when D!ck would be out of town and the reason.

All of this is important now. All of this will matter when we sort out marital debt vs. non-marital debt.

and I am going to steal some of that and post it to cow girl if thats ok?

HH - the Judge is NOT going to like the fact that your WH took it upon himself to modify his order. Honestly? It sounds like WH is free-falling and close to a crash-and-burn. He is going to be SHOCKED if he believes that by reducing his available income that he'll pay less support. My daughter just got an order for child support on the father of her children who hasn't worked in six YEARS! Judges don't play around with that stuff and your WH is leaving a paper trail a mile wide. I wonder if he's setting things up to file bankruptcy-- AFTER he spends it all. That's another big no no and the courts will see right through that.

I second this. I would have been in deep doo if I did not take action when I saw XH spinning out of control. I protected myself and family first and even though I struggled with MB principles I at least feel that I can live and it is XH who is now struggling financially.

We are in shock, we are upset, we are trying to recover and that is how mistakes are made.

HH you are doing all the right things. whoa whoo

Pretty short meeting. Attorney called D!ck's attorney to say that D!ck needed a talkin to about shorting the support amount. Also mentioned kicking me off the health insurance plan come January 1. D!ck's sleazy attorney said I've run up the bills (not true) and I wasn't being "kicked off" insurance... just not renewed for the new year. Whatever. My guy said if he did that, then D!ck would be liable for ALL my medical bills. We'll see what happens.

We talked about modifying support and he asked me to update my disclosure statements for tomorrow. So I have homework.

His advice -- which can really be advice to everyone -- is to stay organized. I started dividing up subjects into folders and using 2-holed metal prongs to attach the papers. I still have stacks of papers in a cupboard, but I'm trying. ChaiLover suggested binders with subject dividers and summary sheets at the beginning of each section. Like that suggestion. Once I get all the backup in folders, then I'll try a binder for the main points.

This D stuff is a full-time job. Glad I'm unemployed at the moment.

And Lil and anyone else -- please share whatever I post with whoever needs it. I'm obviously no Dr. H and, unfortunately, not on the path to recovery, so my comments may not be quite MB.

The reality is that this is what I'm living today, and I will truthfully share it in exchange for advice and support.

That's what friends do.

HH,

Keep doing what you are doing. I can't believe D!ck's atty is so smug. Isn't it law in your state that he can't take you off the insurance?

You are right, it can be a full time job. You are doing awesome!!!

scan those papers and put them on PDFs that you store in two or three email accounts too, so that if your file suddenly turns up missing due to a break and enter by some unknown assailant, or your computer gets damaged...

Just some thoughts - don't let that hard work get lost for anything!

Do not let D!ck ruin things even more now.

I agree with what others are saying, make copies of things and email the proof to yourself on other accounts, etc...

I know this seems odd, but it's my ADD kicking in.

To paraphrase Walter... "Jump out of bed, on your menstrual cycle and RUN D!CK'S butt OVER!"

lyrics from see Jane run (modified) -

[censored] and HH don't talk anymore, HH lays awake
Wishin' it could be like it was before
Finally one night, she got tough
[censored] came home, and she was packin' his stuff

See [censored] run, see HH cry
He's standin' in the street with his hands in the air
Goin' why HH, why
He don't look back, she's seen enough
Close the book, the story's done, see [censored] run

HH's tore up, deep down inside
[censored] feels depressed, there is a tear in his bloated blue eyes
Red taillights, fade out of sight
The hoe's puppy's in the back, he's just along for the ride

See [censored] run, see [censored] cry
He's standin' in the street with his hands in the air
Goin' why HH, why
She don't look back, she's had enough
Close the book, the story's done, see HH stand tall

See [censored] run, see HH dry her tears
He's standin' in the street with his hands in the air
Goin' where did all my money go HH, why
She don't look back, she's seen enough
Close the book, the story's done, see HH laugh

Yeah, close the book, the story's done
See HH smile, oh see HH smile, as [censored] falls in the mud

Change green eyes for blue. Appropriate words. Thanks, Hope.

Anything new to report, HH?

Not much. Just knee deep in financial stuff today. Worked on paperwork requested by my attorney. I dropped it by this afternoon, signed a few forms, and will wait for the word on our request to modify support so D!ck pays more.

I had dinner with D!ck's parents tonight. They are pushing me to keep up the pressure on him. I wish he would just come clean, say he's working on a way to make good on the money, and try to iron out a settlement.

But I'm dreaming. Everything out of D!ck's mouth and texts have been mean and vindictive and blaming everyone but himself for the mess he's in. He's even got his attorney saying that I'm the one blowing through the money. What a joke! I'm the most frugal of people. OK -- I did spend over $17,000 in a few days -- but that was just FUN. And -- and -- the majority went to pay the kids tuition in which D!ck signed the contract with the school then refused to pay.

I'm going to relax for the rest of the night and watch Top Chef on Bravo. Did I mention that I love, love, love that program?

And it's nice to hear from you, Karmasrose. I was thinking about you and hoping you'd be back after the site crash. You have such a great view on topics. And, I swear, some times I think of you when D!ck does something particularly outrageous and I think -- boy, Karmasrose is going to LOVE hearing this.

I think your driving the bus in my direction. D!ck is practically lying in the street just waiting for you to run him over. He's making himself an easy target. You might need to honk just to make it a sport. Sad, but true.

A great view? I'm just particularly vengeful...and an entropy fan especially when it involves WSs and their OPs.

It's nice to know you think of me because I really do love it when I hear about your WS doing something else that is crazy and he is coming apart at the seams...

You:

Your WH:

You:

Not to be a confucious or anything....but saw this on a church sign...."The one who Angers you, controls you".....it got to me !! GF

HH must be controlling her WH then.

Interesting that you would say that. I don't really feel anger toward WH today. I feel sorry for him. I sense that he's in a world of hurt and doesn't want to admit it to anyone. He chose this path and Gosh Darn he's staying on this path. He's not going to ask for directions.

As for me asking for more support... If he'd have just paid what was due when it was due, then I wouldn't have pursued this so eagerly. There is no reasoning with him. Both his mother and father tried to get him to pay the balance and he flat out refused.

He is very angry toward me. Me... who's biggest crime was loving him, being a good wife to him, and trying to get him to end the affair for a year. When he left he said "Just let me go." I'm letting him go....and letting him fall.

Yes, I meant he is very angry at you therefore you are controlling him. :P

And he needs to fall, so badly.

Got it. For the first time in FOREVER I'm controlling WH. And he's such a stubborn fool. He fails to see that the only way out of this mess is through me. Old HH would have been a push over. New HH is not.

Yep, he needs to fall badly. It's up to the law now.

He makes me think of a character from a videogame I've played.

The man's name is Manfred von Karma in the game. He is very used to getting his way and through underhanded tactics has a perfect prosecution record.

When confronted with evidence, REAL evidence, he attacks. (You that is, and your assistant in the game) He screams, honestly, when you finally beat him.

A tantrum if I ever saw one.

Anyway, D!ck's going to turn out like Karma, he'll scream and attack and he'll still lose.

The judge will make sure of that.

Karma, knock off the fancy words. Let's see what does this mean...

en�tro�py (ntr-p)
n. pl. en�tro�pies
1. Symbol S For a closed thermodynamic system, a quantitative measure of the amount of thermal energy not available to do work.
2. A measure of the disorder or randomness in a closed system.
3. A measure of the loss of information in a transmitted message.
4. The tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity.
5. Inevitable and steady deterioration of a system or society.

Ok, I'm really slow.
I don't understand?

Number 5 is the meaning I am using.

Deterioration.

Holy I am absolutely one of your biggest fans on how you have handled stuff. However, I would ask you to reconsider this statement that you said. "He fails to see that the only way out of this mess if through me. Holy, the only way out of this mess is through G-d. Mark constantly got me to understand that G-d wants to have a relationship with all of us. Clearly D$ck doesn't today and G-d will let us wander until WE come to our knees to HIM. Not our spouse, etc.

Once D$ck seeks to make it right with G-d, then who knows what the future holds. I'm sure I'm not saying this correctly at all, but I have to speak from my heart. I hope you can forgive me.

Gotcha, thank you.

Queenie -- I totally, totally agree with you. Once he's straight with God, then he can make it right with others. Got it.

I guess I was thinking about the current mess... the short support payment. If he had just said that he didn't have the money, or the money would be there on this day or we need to talk about the amount. But he chose the path of anger and arrogance and a tantrum.

Really... back to your first statement... it doesn't really matter which mess or the size of the mess...

ALL PATHS GO THROUGH GOD AND HIS MERCY.

I can't fix D!ck... only God can. I just need to pray for him which has become very difficult lately.

2 verses that might help you pray for D!ck:

If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the Lord will reward you.
�Proverbs 25:21-22

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, �Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.� To the contrary, �if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.� Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
�Romans 12:17-21

All in love of course. Honest

Kind of like "Kill him with kindness"?

Well, if given the opportunity....I'll be nice and smile especially since our anniversary is just around the corner.

Does Hallmark make a card for a STBX?

"Dear scumbag

Disregard the ticking (give him a clock) and open anyway!"

Dear STBX

Haven't seen you lately. Have you been "mis-laid"?? See you in court

That silk tongued devil sent me the SWEETEST text message today...

"I got u added back to insurance in 10"


Ahhhhh.... music to my ears. I guess his attorney is no dummy in persuading D!ck to keep me on the health insurance plan in 2010 until after the D.

Happy Friday!!!

Oh I bet that killed him to have to admit defeat. I love it!!!

But notice how he tries to couch it in terms of him being her savior, so none of it is his fault?

I got YOU added...like look at what I went and did for you.

*sigh*