Well, I cant even remember the last time I updated. For those looking for my story, when you search back (I began posting in June 2002), most of the threads began with "Mortarman Update:".

I am looking to get all of the information from my situation in one place. So, I will probably put it here. I will write out a lot of it, but will probably add links to the most pertinent posts from the past. It may take some time to get it all here, so I will just begin posting and let you all know once I have it all here.

I will say one thing about my situation. My wife and I are an MB success story. Not necessarily because we are together again and the affair is gone. But because of what we have learned. I am a better husband than I was before. She has learned to be a better wife than she was before. We understand what marriage is about now, and how it works. No matter if we had made it or not, I would have still been a success story because of what I learned through the process.

You see, there are many on here (and in life) that will tell you to quit. That it is too much to overcome. Well, I will tell you, my situation went on longer than most. We had many things go on in the bad times (as you will find out) that should have pushed our marriage over the brink. The fact we are here today, with a new one year old and more happy than we have ever been, would not have been possible without MB and without giving into those that told me to just quit. And even those that told my wife to quit.

Being on the other side of things, I can tell you that all of the worries about "can we overcome what has happened?", "can I trust her again?", "can I love him again?", etc have largely fallen away. Because of what we have learned and how we relate to each other now, it seems to both of us to be darned well impossible to break through between us.

Not that there arent days where things arent the best. But even in those days, there is no escalation of tensions. No signs of running for the door. Usually on those days, we take a little breathing room for a few hours...and then come back at it. It is a relief to know that both of us want this that bad.

Anyway, I will get to the update and begin posting the segments as I can. It might take some time to do this, since my situation lasted so long. For those that truly have lots of time on their hands, they can go back and read all of the threads. But I am going to try to summarize and highlight the major parts, and give links to the details.

Looking forward to every chapter, MM.

Thanks,
Ace

Okay, this link I am listing here was the first thread I ever posted.

Mortarman's First post

MM,

Did your WW file for a divorce or did you file for custody? On what grounds?

I may have interpretted your story incorrectly, but I got the impression that you had divorce proceedings going and fought a pretty effective and hardcore custody battle which is what woke the WW up.

How did she come around to you?

I'm just wondering since I feel that the biggest thing a BH can do is go for full custody in order to lift the fog of the WW.

I don't think many men realize how hopeless your situation appeared and how well you did things to get your WW back. But she returned after you had given that up as a possibility, correct?

Didn't things look pretty hopeless?

Why DID you take her back?

Hi Mortarman, I think God led me to look at your post today.

I am feeling helpless in my own sitch. My H's A has been going on since June 07 and he has never looked back once since he told me he was not happy the end of July 07 (A was going on about a month and 1/2 at that point).

I made many mistakes, really love busted and had a failed Plan A because my emotions took over and we fought and he said I kept preaching to him and he could not talk to me. He filed papers for D last Friday.

I do not want this D. I want to restore my M. It has destroyed our family and my D15, who was the apple of his eye, is no longer speaking to him. I finally feel I am detaching but there is so much sorrow and pain with all of this.

At the beginning I was looking for a quick fix and I see now that I need patience and to be on God's plan -- not mine.

Please continue to update your story. It gives some of us hope even when it feels hopeless. Thank you.

For those that dont know it, Pom and I have been around the block on here. His wife never pulled her head out...but he did all of the right things and is a success story because of it!!

Pom, I will briefly answer your questions below...but will highlight them as I get everything in here and you can see in depth, how it all went.


I NEVER filed. I never filed for divorce. I never started custody hearings. She did all of that. Well, after thinking about this...I did file out of frustration early on, but pulled it back later. It looked like manipulation and didnt really help our situation.

In my case, I didnt need to. You see, the Troll (OM) was an idiot. Why do I say that? Because here was a guy who was pushing for my wife to leave her kids behind and be with him...but deep inside her, there was no way that would happen. But the pull at first caused her to do some very stupid things, which cost her in the custody battles. She moved out. She spent little time with them that fall. She spent a lot of time with the Troll, even going over Christmas to Florida to visit his family. She had brought the Troll around my kids while I was in Bosnia. All of these are HUGE no-nos in Virginia.

Please remember, I am blessed to live in the great Commonwealth of Virginia. Adultery is still against the law. Having the paramour around the children is still against the law. There is no such thing as legal separation, and thus...even if yo uare "separated," if you sleep with someone else, it is adultery. So, the pressure to alunch the attack wasnt as high with me because I had all the intel I needed and she had basically handed me an air tight case.


I know you do, Pom. And there is a little there that might make me think that it is a factor. But I think other factors are more important (which I will go into later).

In my case, my wife even told me a month ago, when we were discussing things, that the fact that I got custody that first time did wake her up on some things, especially to do with the Troll. Even though that she wasnt willing to give him up, she could see that he was trying to get her away from her family. And once she woke up, she realized she would not let that happen. So, if she was to make the situation work with him, the kids were coming with her whether he liked it or not.

But, the fact I got primary and full custody (with her paying child support to me) also cost us a lot. How so? Well, when she lost custody to me, she was angry. She stayed angry, even after we went into our first attempted reconciliation. In her foggy mind, it was I that had taken her kids away...not her actions and not because the Troll had pushed her. She recently said that as angry as she was about that, there was no way she would have ever reconciled with me as long as that still stood on the books.

Our last time in court for custody (June 2006), the judge ordered "shared" custody. In her mind, that meant she got 50-50, which allowed her to no longer to be angry at me. In reality, if she had read the fineprint of the order, I had the kids about 70% of the time (almost all weekends, 4 days a week, all spring breaks, etc). I actually got MORE time than the previous order where I had primary custody.

But the idea of me having custody was gone in her head. She was no longer mad at me. We then spent the next three months, only talking twice (huge Plan B for me!). She now says that in that time, with the Troll in Florida telling her she must move there and be with him without the kids, with her all alone, with the kids mostly gone with me, and with her no longer angry at me...that is what finally allowed the fog to fully leave and for her to come forward and ask to talk about a true reconciliation and recovery.


Absolutely!! After the last court hearing (after two false recoveries), I had given up hope. Wait a minute, let me change that. I gave up my desire to control the situation anymore. I stopped trying to row the boat and just sat back and let it go where the current would take it. I sat in that boat, in Plan B, and just enjoyed the sun. I stopped thinking, stopped scheming, stopped worrying. Three months later, the phone rang. The rest is history.


Because she was never gone. I know that sounds weird...but I believe what God says when He says we become one when we are married. I also believe that no one...not the Troll, not my wife, not a judge...can separate us. Only He can.

All along I felt her. She always felt right there with me. And when she returned, when the fog no longer was obscuring her...I knew instantly that she had returned. I knew my wife was there...and the WW had left.

Hope, no matter what, if yo uare following the Lord...He will work all things for your good. Stay beside Him. Listen to Him. Your husband is no longer your problem right now. The Lord will take care of Him.

Hey, a fellow Virginian! I don't see many of those on MB. Where can I go to look at such laws (the separated-but-if-you-sleep-with-someone-it's-still-adultery thing for one)?

I want to know all about the marriage and divorce law situation here.

One thing my late grandfather (god rest his soul ) always touted about VA was that it did not recognize common-law marriage.

Karmasrose,

What part of Virginia do you live in? I am in Northern Virginia.

If you look up the legal code in Virginia, it states the following:

"§ 18.2-365. Adultery defined; penalty.

Any person, being married, who voluntarily shall have sexual intercourse with any person not his or her spouse shall be guilty of adultery, punishable as a Class 4 misdemeanor.

(Code 1950, §§18.1-187, 18.1-190; 1960, c. 358; 1975, cc. 14, 15.) "


There is no content to this. No "unless legally separated." Actually, there is no such thing as legal separation in Virginia. As MelodyLane likes to point out...you either are married or you are not married!

Shoot...we even have fornication against the law:

"§ 18.2-344. Fornication.

Any person, not being married, who voluntarily shall have sexual intercourse with any other person, shall be guilty of fornication, punishable as a Class 4 misdemeanor.

(Code 1950, §§ 18.1-188, 18.1-190; 1960, c. 358; 1975, cc. 14, 15.) "

I live near Lynchburg. Just moved here so not sure of the county...looking at the map, I'd say...southwest.


Whoa, holy crap! (Pardon my french) There's a fornication law?? Wow, I love this place!

Seriously, all states need this law. :P

Yeah, me too! Now if we can just keep all of these silly foreigners (northeast liberals from Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, Maryland) from moving here and turning my state from red to blue...we can keep it that way!

Sic Semper Tyrannus

It's funny, I'm pretty liberal except when it comes to things like this...

I'll look up the legal code. ...I'm the sort of person who enjoys reading things like that that almost no one else pays attention to.

How I wish I lived in Virginia!!!!! It must have been a huge relief to know your children would not have to be around the OM. No such thing us Californians. They do not care why or what and I don't even think there is a way I can stop OW from being near my children. Its been 9 months and neither of us have filed. During Plan A H says he heard its financial destruction and should be avoided.



This is great advice, just rest.





Well said!

Interesting article on one guy who was prosecuted back in 2004:

Virginia Adultery Prosecution

Mortarman, did the divorce actually go through and if not how long was it in the works?

In looking at your timeline it took you 4 years to reconcile? Is that correct.


Mortarman, I have been really trying to follow the Lord...even though there are days I struggle with the control. Your right my H is not my problem. I saw up on T2L about the 2 word prayers. Lord: Chase him, break him, save him. I pray for this everyday. This will be a difficult journey but seeing your long journey to have your WW return helps the rest of us. Thanks again for posting

Hope, it was over 4 years, with two false recoveries. I will have more on here as I pull it up, so you can see the progression.

We never actually went to the divorce phase. Since this is a fault state, she had no grounds to file for divorce until we are separated for a year. I on the otherhand, had adultery as a fault, and could have had a divorce if I wanted, within 90 days.

But, the custody paperwork was filed twice by my wife, the two times she left. Both times she lost.

Also, read my link below about the roles of husbands and wives, as I think it may help you!

thanks for sharing your success story.

Mortarman, I am still in the infancy stages through recovery but your thinking is so positive and confirms some of my own thought process I have had recently.

I still think that staying together in the end in a much better improved marriage will define the success part but that also puts extra pressure on me to make this work.

can you expand on this a bit more for me please ? So are you saying, with all the learning, better husband, better father, the new found respect you have for each other - the love generated is automatic or it does not matter ?

Optin,

I will go into this more when I get to the end of my update. But in short, what I mean by this is that as time passed, as we continued to do the things we needed to do (meet ENs, no LBs, spend time together, etc), then a lot of the hurt and resentment began to just fall away. As Steve Harley told me, the affair and all of the mess began to get smaller in the rearview mirror as we headed away.

Too many get back in and want to rehash what happened. Why? Why do that to yourselves? Knowing what you have learned, the two of you just move forward from here. And dont drag the past with you. Just drop it and proceed forward. And as Steve said, it will get smaller as you move away from it.

Next update:

I posted up top the first post I ever had on MB. I will add posts as I continue to update.

As you can see, I was posting in June 2002. I had no idea of the plans my wife had (but in retrospect, I can see where she was trying to head out and move out). I was in a world I didnt understand, but was beginning to learn MB concepts and read here. I had no idea how bad it was going to get, though.

Here was the next thread:
Mortarman's next post

Thanks for taking time to do this, MM. Very inspirational!

The next post was in August 2002. At this point, my wife had moved out to be with the Troll. She had left the kids with me. I was trying to recover from the hit I took and to move forward. After several hits by her during the separation, I filed for divorce (to only later pull it back).

The third post

The next post was after a short, few weeks break. I had hunkered down at home and began working on me. The only contact we had was when my wife called me. Because of my lack of contact with her, she began saying and showing things that said inside her, we werent done yet. But by and large, I held to my guns and just stayed away.

The next post

Well, just when I thought things were changing, we had HUGE setback. And for the first time, I got ticked off. I mean, REALLY ticked off. From this point forward, I promised myself I would never be on the defensive again. That I would be on the attack. That I would protect my family, even if it meant protecting it from my wife.

Things blow up

Well, then I begin to see a thaw within a few weeks. Again, my hopes go up. But I maintain to a degree, my resolve. So, the rollercoaster heads up again...and we know what rollercoasters do when they go up, right?

Has she finally broken?

So inspirational MM. Reading about you having the same feelings as me and some of the same revelations. I am looking forward to learning a great deal from your threads.

Thanks Rusty!

This next post began happening simulataneously with the last one and the next one. It was me finally gaining control, and wanting to give a condensed version of what had happened so far. I think this was my first attempt at starting to give back to the folks at MB. Up until this post, I had been almost excusively asking for help. I think it was at this point that I began wanting to help others also.

A first 7 month summary

Here is my first attempt at Plan B, in the winter of 2002. While I failed to keep it, after trying several times, I did learn a lot from it. When I was in it, I got stronger and could see and feel that. I also noticed my wife not liking the lack of contact with me. Anyway, see how I struggled through that!

My First Plan B

Hi Mortarman, have been reading your thread little by little. It is having a huge impact on me. I don't want to rush through it but hopefully will get some more tonight to read another chapter.

Thank you for sharing.

Hope, just posted one above your post. And I am slowly gwtting it up there! I hope it will help.

My next post is below. I had pulled off my Plan B effort, and was trying to re-engage. I had filed for divorce and custody, but had made up my mind to pull back at least the divorce side of things for the time being.

But, I was also confused because I liked Plan B and felt better in it...so I didnt really want to go back into Plan A. But at the time, it seemed like I needed to Plan A things to see if further evidence shoved into the fog might finally get thru.

A weird time

The next thread, things leading up to Christmas in 2002 start going south. But in a way, I am moving forward and getting stronger. It was a very volatile time!

Leading up to Christmas

MM,

On one end I read your story and think, "gosh that's a lot of trouble to go through to get a cheating wife back" but on the other I think, "But he has a stronger marriage now and his kids got their parents and their home back".

It's quite a purgatory to go through. I know you're not Catholic, but that's exactly what your marriage has endured, a Purgatory.

God bless and I hope you never have to experience this again.

Pom

Yes, POM. I have said that my situation lasted longer than most. And was said above, I attribute some of that to my military training, as it made it a lot easier to live and deal with "purgatory."

But just like Basic Training, I have been asked if I liked going through Basic Training. I have said, no...I didnt like it. I was asked...am I glad I went thru it? I say that I am glad I went thru it...it has changed me forever. I was then asked...would I do Basic Training again, if I needed to? I say NO WAY!!

Same goes for what I went thru. Did I like it. Nope!! Am I glad I went thru it and am where I am today? Absolutely...it has changed me forever!!

Would I do it again? NO WAY!!

The above post describes exactly how I feel about what I did over the last four years (and how I feel about Basic Training :/)

Thanks, Mortarman, for coming back and painstakingly posting your story.

The next post...I was still trying to find my footing...and ended up in a discussion with one of my pastors at church. That discussion is in the link below. And it was that discussion that really sealed what I have done since that point, for the most part. Reading it, even now, really has me in awe.

God's Will and Mortarman locks in the mission

You're welcome, Silent. I have been meaning to do this for awhile!

I had taken a break with posting over Christmas 2002. But, a lot happened and a lot of movement. I had done Plan B very well for over 3 weeks, and it really played on my wife. So much so, when her apartment flooded...she used that as an oppotunity to push herself to end contact with the OM and want to come home. Of course, it would be a false recovery at the time. But, it is a good read on how effective Plan B is.

Before I put the link in though, I wanted to post just a small part of the many posts that Just Learning gave to me. They guided me not just then, but even to this day.

"MM, in my life I have found that when push came to shove ALL of the major decisions in my life were really made for me. When it all played out there was only ONE way to go. I could have chosen another, but the data was clear that this would be a bad choice, and in retrospect they were. So have faith, have patience, and smile. You have arrived. Your work is done. It is simply a matter now of seeing how other people handle THEIR decisions."

Anyway, here is the thread:
Mrs. Mortarman returns home

My wife came home briefly and stayed the week. But, she went back into her indecisive ways and didnt move in. But she did hang out with us, continue in counseling and it was looking like a slow recovery.

Our first false recovery

Always good 2 hear from you MM!

-ol' 2long

Same to you my old friend!

MM,

This thread sure brings back a lot of memories and the names of some long lost posters. It also with the distance of time offers up some interesting perspectives.

I always thought you handled this about as well as you possibly could, given the learning curve and the propensity we all have for stumbling around in a mess such as this.

I also always sort of viewed you as fishing for your marriage. One day she was on the hook and you reeling her in and then she would slip off of the hook, but not really swim away. Giving you another chance to hook her again.

But today when looking at this I wonder...

Who was fishing for who?? I could make an arguement that she was fishing for you, that she never really let you off of the hook and gradually through her own messups still managed to reel you in.

It is sort of like rearing children, one often wonders who is being trained when the baby cries, the parent or the child.

This thread will be of real value to many folks posting here, keep it up.

God Bless,

JL

Too true, JL. Added to that, by going back through all of these posts, it brings up a lot of memories and feelings I had forgotten about, or had lessened with time. Not that they are making me feel bad or anything. But just seeing from the outside now how difficult it is to pilot a ship in a storm.

I will finish this up over the next few days!

One thing my wife said this morning, which was interesting. She was talking to her mom last night. They were talking about Obama and my wife was saying how messed up things are going to get. And without going into those details, she did tell me that my MIL said she voted for Obama because she was worried about her Social Security. She said (talking to my wife): "if something happened to you, Mortarman would throw me out on the street (she lives with us)."

My wife said to her: "What are you talking about? There is no way he would ever do such a thing. Look at all I did to him, and even in the middle of it, he still considered me family. And still took me back. Mom, Mortarman has some values that are unbendable."

In my updates at the end of this, I will be going into many of the things she has said in recovery. Even with all of my intel during our mess, what I have learned from her has been eye opening. But this statement this morning kind of put a smile on my face. And continues to tell me that she sees now (and did see even then, even though she didnt want to admit it then) who I really am.

Anyway, thanks JL. As you said, many of the folks that helped me are gone now. I just hope some of the current and future people on here that are stuck in the middle of their mess, might learn something or at least pull out hope (crap, I used an Obama word!) from what I went thru.

Mortarman your story is truly amazing. Little did I know that when I stumbled here in November 2006, and you and many others answered my call for help, that your war had been going on for so long.

Thank you for all you did to help me.

God bless you and your family!

Same to you Eph!

I am slowly getting the story up here. The next thread is in early 2003. My wife is still foggy, but has supposedly begun ending things and talking to me about coming home...which she ends up doing.

It is a great discussion by many veterans here who helped me. Very helpful in understanding just how much pain, anger and fear a BS carries into a possible recovery...and how Dr. Harley is right when he says that the BS is the one to worry about in recovery.

Anyway, it is a good series of posts for those that are on the verge of or beginning recovery.

A Betrayed Spouse's Threat to Recovery

Wow, MM. I've been reading your thread(s) and wow, just wow. No wonder you are so respected around here. You've been through the fire and have come through as golden-- a shining example. I hope that other BHs around here really study your story. There's a lot to learn, especially for those who are frozen in indecision and inaction.

You rock.

Thanks PM. But, as you can see, I made my own share of mistakes (and more than many!!). I am just glad God was faithful.

I am also glad that deep down, even with my mistakes, my wife didnt give up!

"values that are unbendable"

THIS is the missing ingredient in so many situations!

You are undeniably special.

<<<Mortarman looks down, blushing>>>

BUMP for the current warrior BHs

Hi Mortarman,

I too am inspired by your story. Whenever I feel blue about my sitch, usually late at night or early in the morning, I think of stories of recovery, including yours. You fought for so long and so faithfully. Truly you put on the armor of Christ. I hope to do the same.

In any event, my WW lives in northern Virginia and filed there. I still want her back. Is there any legal strategy you recommend pursuing?

My default is to not counter-file for divorce on grounds of adultery as it will humiliate her publicly and make our reconciliation even less likely. But I intend to do everything legally and financially possible to get a 50-50 settlement. Your advice would be most appreciated.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Bump...

Praying and hoping MM stops by with an answer for Michael and update real soon.

Miss that guy.

Mr. W

BUMP to Mortarman's posts.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

bump, good story ... t

There are not as many success stories for wayward husband's unless the affair ends still in Plan A ...??

Mimi had a good success story. Married Forever went to plan b as well.


With four kids Mehr, I should hope the support orders inflict so much pain that either OW dumps him OR WH figures he can't manage divorce financially so he's absolutely stuck having to reconcile.

[and I'd tell you not to sweat the reasons why he chooses to come home. If and when he comes home is all that matters...not why. You can still work a marital recovery program and make your marriage great no matter WHY he comes home]


Good luck and may you be blessed with the perseverance of a Mortarman.

Mr. W

I can hope that too.... its another month... he told my in laws that he has no money to give me and the kids.... !!!! He thinks he has no money now ...

I must pray that I win more than just the child support. I need alimony and/or the ability to stay residing in this house. Otherwise you'd think he could calculate the % of child support right now and know what that is going to look like ...

Waywards avoid reality. Until he sees those first paychecks AFTER the alimony and child support are deducted, they just keep their head buried in the sand.

You have a one year old so my guess is that 17 years of no money isn't an option. MOST men in that situation, you'd think, would consider reconciliation. Others consider bolting and becoming an ex-patriot or try to find a way to work for cash to game the system in their favor.

Who knows. Statistically you've got a better shot than most that he'll reconsider things. The more kids the more likely reconciliation occurs. Keep pushing and hopefully he bottoms out sooner than later.

Mr. W

I hope you are right. He certainly isn't high enough income to make it easy for him (or me for that matter) at all. Not like some of the more wealthy waywards who can afford to pay their wives and have a new live too.

Bump

Bump

Everyone on this board needs to read everything he ever posted.

Extra bump for the military