Marriage Builders®
Posted By: dsd Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 05:56 PM
be desribed as telling information about relationship, sharing regret,ideas,thoughts and ect. to someonethat isnt your spouse or significant other?
Posted By: OurHouse Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 05:57 PM
Yes.
Posted By: staytogether Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 06:15 PM
Agree.
Quite a chunky section - but this will give you a good background. Coping with infidelity

How long has this EmotionalAffair (EA) been going on?
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 07:30 PM
WE have been together for five years.we have a beautiful almost 3 year old. her ea has been going on for about 3 months give or take with her ex h
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 07:45 PM
when she got her DWI about 2 weeks ago she called her exh to pick her up from jail,he said to her it was time to come home
Posted By: faithful follower Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 07:57 PM
Were either of you still married when you met?
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 08:03 PM
I was divorced 4 five yrs. she was seperating from exh and going out w friends as well as starting to date others
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 08:05 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
I was divorced 4 five yrs. she was seperating from exh and going out w friends as well as starting to date others


You're not legally married, are you?
Posted By: faithful follower Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 08:05 PM
dsd,

Sorry but seperating is not "divorced". She was cheating on her now xH with you even if that was not your intent. That explains why he told her it was time to come home. I am very sorry for your child.
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 08:24 PM
i new i would receive that response from some one. Me being 41 and her forty,i fell in love for the first time in my life,with her she said she had only been in love one other time in her live and that she had never been in love with her exh but married him because he was nice and coukd provide.they had one child,then she said he raped her and she got pregnant with thier second child.they had nt slept in the same bed for years
Posted By: faithful follower Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 08:30 PM
dsd, waywards lie. Why else would she be having an EA with her XH? I am not trying to kick you while you are down. I am sure you are hurting but your marriage did not begin on solid ground.

Can you get custody of your child?
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 08:41 PM
he told her that he knew that their marriage was ending.i had custody of my son and still do,as for my daughter i want her raised with her parents together and i have been reading here for months, not because everything is bad or her fault, i have my faults too,but i am a good man but want to be better and like i said when we got together i knew it was different.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/06/09 09:23 PM
Are you married?
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/08/09 07:09 PM
no we are not married but we are engaged for the last 3yrs. the reason for long engagementis she is in college in getting married would have limited funds from grants and ect.she says we can get married anytime now because this is her last yr.and college is paid for.
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/08/09 07:33 PM
she has admitted that she has drinking problem drinks about 4 out of 7 days and its not a few beers more like 10 to 20 beers
Posted By: faithful follower Re: Can a emotional affair - 05/08/09 07:53 PM
dsd, get working on getting custody of your DD and let this one go. You are not married and it sounds like she has a lot of issues.
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/28/10 11:16 PM
UPDATE we seem to be doing a little betterin many ways. I know that she has read some material from here . She has also filled out some of the questioneers lately. We havent set down to go over them as of yet but said that we need to do it soon.she is back to school and got a B last semester in her nursing program. A very very tough course, you have to have at least a 80% to pass with a C. I keep telling her I am so proud of her for trying so hard in school. It takes many hours a night to study and many times she does nt get to spend any time with the kids. She will stop her studies to give our little one a bath and to make or eat supper with them so thats at least sometime with them. She has shown some interest in a couple of hobbies and we get to spend some time there together. She also has been working on some of her problems and I think with some of her education sees some ways to help herself. She has admitted to having problems with alcohol and doing some things to help herself with that. sometimes it feels good to be able to right things down and to be able to read it verses just thinking it! thanks
Posted By: Zelmo Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/28/10 11:57 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
i new i would receive that response from some one. Me being 41 and her forty,i fell in love for the first time in my life,with her she said she had only been in love one other time in her live and that she had never been in love with her exh but married him because he was nice and coukd provide.they had one child,then she said he raped her and she got pregnant with thier second child.they had nt slept in the same bed for years


I do not think the above justifies dating a married woman, even in the unlikely event it is true. Now, you can see she is capable of big time lying. She was capable of this back then, when you met her.
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 12:24 AM
Zelmo I am not quite sure what you are refering to . We may have not met under the best of conditions or time but there is a child involved and I do love her .So I am going to try to make it the best we can. We have been together almost six years . We are both trying. Six years is nt a long time but many fail in less than that.
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 09:14 PM
It would be so nice if everyone that applied for a marriage license had to take a course on marriage builders and pass a test to get married!!!!!!!!!!! it would eliminate so many problems in todats society. I have learned so much from this site. Having a little trouble with expressing what I have learned but getting better.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 09:30 PM
Originally Posted By: faithful follower
dsd,

Sorry but seperating is not "divorced". She was cheating on her now xH with you even if that was not your intent. That explains why he told her it was time to come home. I am very sorry for your child.


EXACTLY...

You are the OM in that marriage, dsd...

You need to remove yourself from the situation...

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 09:47 PM
The hurt has been done and there is nothing i can do about it now.What has been done is done. Would I do it differnly now that i have read on this site? I most certainly would. The marriage is done in gods way and in mans law.It is what it is and a little child(3) does nt and is nt going to pay the price. If you was perfect or your spouse was you would nt be here either!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hense the repeated remarks about being a OM) Thanks but I am not somebody that just registered yesterday. I am trying and we are making improvements in our relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 09:56 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
The hurt has been done and there is nothing i can do about it now.What has been done is done. Would I do it differnly now that i have read on this site? I most certainly would. The marriage is done in gods way and in mans law.It is what it is and a little child(3) does nt and is nt going to pay the price. If you was perfect or your spouse was you would nt be here either!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hense the repeated remarks about being a OM) Thanks but I am not somebody that just registered yesterday. I am trying and we are making improvements in our relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!


Didn't say I was perfect - I have done all that I can to repair the damage that I did - I returned to my marriage, and we are recovered...

If I hadn't returned to my marriage, and instead stayed with the OM, do you think it would be appropriate for me to come here looking to aid/repair the affair?

What began as adultery continues as adultery, dsd...The fact remains that you are the OM...What you are saying is that you are here trying to save your AFFAIR...I think this is an incredibly poor choice of venue for you to do that...

I am sorry that a child will have to pay for your choices...

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:05 PM
Our child wont pay for our choices and if this sight and forum supports cheaters and betrayed then I guess I will and do fit right in their with you. When a person cheats on their spouse the vows are broken to their spouse and in gods eyes so where is it anywhere that the vows are restored in gods eyes and who says?
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:07 PM
Actually I find it pretty incredulous that you are here...

You aren't married to this WW...

What you are calling an "emotional affair" was this WW talking to her rightful husband...Regardless of a divorce that went through while you were having an affair with that man's WIFE...

I'm sorry but this is mind boggling...Your situation would have been like the OM in our situation coming here to complain that I was talking with Mr. W - MY HUSBAND - and calling it an affair...crazy

Mrs. W
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:12 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Our child wont pay for our choices and if this sight and forum supports cheaters and betrayed then I guess I will and do fit right in their with you. When a person cheats on their spouse the vows are broken to their spouse and in gods eyes so where is it anywhere that the vows are restored in gods eyes and who says?


God does not release the WS from the convenant...

It is no surprise to me that you feel entitled to be here though...Lack of consideration for others is what landed you where you are now...

Marriage Builders is for rebuilding marriages...You are not married, dsd...You are in an affair...

Mrs. W
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:16 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Our child wont pay for our choices and if this sight and forum supports cheaters and betrayed then I guess I will and do fit right in their with you. When a person cheats on their spouse the vows are broken to their spouse and in gods eyes so where is it anywhere that the vows are restored in gods eyes and who says?


This place supports marriages, dsd. Are you married?
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:16 PM
There has been other posters on here that were former Om Ow that were still in their long term relationship with their partners. Are not perfect in our relationship? No, but show me one that is that is on these forums. What is wrong of me to be on here trying to learn how to be a better person and husband to her as we will get married? So a cheater should not be on her for this is MARRIAGE BUILDERS not a REPAIR COURSE?
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:18 PM
No we are not married. We are engaged and have been togeter 6 yrs.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:21 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
There has been other posters on here that were former Om Ow that were still in their long term relationship with their partners. Are not perfect in our relationship? No, but show me one that is that is on these forums. What is wrong of me to be on here trying to learn how to be a better person and husband to her as we will get married? So a cheater should not be on her for this is MARRIAGE BUILDERS not a REPAIR COURSE?


This forum is for building and rebuilding of MARRIAGES...It is NOT the "life support for an affair" forum...

Answer my earlier question...If I hadn't returned to my marriage, would it have been appropriate for me to come here to try and save my AFFAIR?

Mrs. W
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:24 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
No we are not married. We are engaged and have been togeter 6 yrs.


There is a huge difference between marriage and dating. Dr Harley treats them entirely different.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:25 PM
dsd,

You are not a BETRAYED SPOUSE here trying to recover from betrayal or repair a marriage...You are not a WAYWARD SPOUSE coming here to END an affair and repair a marriage...You are an OM trying to fix an affair...

Can you see why that isn't appropriate in this venue?

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:26 PM
MRS W Your lack of consideration also landed you and your husband here too!!!!!!!!!! So that makes you a better person than me ,well be it if thats what toots your horn but I dont want to argue who is right or wrong,who is a better person or what ever. I am here to learn how to be a better person,husband and father as the technics on this site will do that.I have already stated that or situation did not start out with the ideal circumstances but I cant do anything about the past NOW
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:28 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
MRS W Your lack of consideration also landed you and your husband here too!!!!!!!!!! So that makes you a better person than me ,well be it if thats what toots your horn but I dont want to argue who is right or wrong,who is a better person or what ever.


dsd, she ended her affair, though. And she is married.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:31 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
MRS W Your lack of consideration also landed you and your husband here too!!!!!!!!!! So that makes you a better person than me ,well be it if thats what toots your horn but I dont want to argue who is right or wrong,who is a better person or what ever. I am here to learn how to be a better person,husband and father as the technics on this site will do that.I have already stated that or situation did not start out with the ideal circumstances but I cant do anything about the past NOW


You are RIGHT - I did get here by not considering others - here is where I learned to consider MY HUSBAND - here is where I learned of all the damage that adultery causes and what to do to fix what I had destroyed...I learned to repair my MARRIAGE here at MARRIAGE BUILDERS...

It is NOT a place to learn how to fix an AFFAIR...That is what you are doing, dsd...This is NOT "AFFAIR BUILDERS"...

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:37 PM
mel I agree we are in the best situation but we have lived together for almost six yrs have a child that is 3, and to throw that all away so that I can be right in your eyes. To throw it all away to be right in everybodys eyes would destroy a child, and then that would be ok in the eyes of some here. I disagree with destroying a childs future when god has the final judgement and what others say does nt make a diffrense then.
Posted By: Fred_in_VA Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 10:47 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
mel I agree we are in the best situation but we have lived together for almost six yrs have a child that is 3, and to throw that all away so that I can be right in your eyes. To throw it all away to be right in everybodys eyes would destroy a child, and then that would be ok in the eyes of some here. I disagree with destroying a childs future when god has the final judgement and what others say does nt make a diffrense then.

How is what you're doing "good for your child's future?"
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 01/29/10 11:01 PM
Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
Originally Posted By: dsd
mel I agree we are in the best situation but we have lived together for almost six yrs have a child that is 3, and to throw that all away so that I can be right in your eyes. To throw it all away to be right in everybodys eyes would destroy a child, and then that would be ok in the eyes of some here. I disagree with destroying a childs future when god has the final judgement and what others say does nt make a diffrense then.

How is what you're doing "good for your child's future?"


AND...What about the 2 children of the marriage? The BH's children...What about them?

You took part in the destruction of their family...How is that okay?

You understand by continuing your affair with this WW...by possibly marrying her...that you are signing up for her to do to YOU EXACTLY what you and she did to her BH, right? Because she remains an unrepentant WW - she has not learned that adultery is WRONG...You are helping her save her affair - you are helping her to believe that adultery is okay in certain situations [yours]...

You've yet to answer my question, dsd...If I hadn't returned to my marriage, would it have been okay for me or OM to come here to save our affair?

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/01/10 10:00 PM
Mel can you give me some info were I can find what Dr.Harley recommends for people thay are nt married yet?
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/01/10 10:30 PM
MRS.W We are nt in a affair!I am not the OM!!!!!!!! When I met my fiance her ex husband had already moved out of the marital home and had filed for divorce. In a matter of days she and his kids was getting evicted from there home and had to move into the city projects. I do agree that the timing was nt good but I in NO way had anything to do with their divorce. YOU ask if it was ok for you or your OM to come here and save your affair,answer is no .I ask this of you .Is it ok to break your vows and to still act like your married just because mans law says your married,when in gods law you broke your vows of marriage!The web site says this is a marriage builders site and even has a section for dating, divorce as well as others.For many on this site it is black and white because it is mans law or gods law whichever fits them at the time and the ones that see it as a grey area are pushed(forced)of the site by others or a select few. I have been married 1 time and divorced once,we will be married and I plan on it to be forever as I Wont be one that married 3-5 times like some on this site. I am just trying to learn to be a good spouse before the paper(mans law) and when we get married(gods law).Also she has told her ex sorry for the way she treated him when they was married and after the divorce. I am sorry if this thread bothers you as we are different because she never had a OMin her narriage.
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 06:09 PM
Bump for mel
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 06:38 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
MRS.W We are nt in a affair!I am not the OM!!!!!!!! When I met my fiance her ex husband had already moved out of the marital home and had filed for divorce. In a matter of days she and his kids was getting evicted from there home and had to move into the city projects. I do agree that the timing was nt good but I in NO way had anything to do with their divorce. YOU ask if it was ok for you or your OM to come here and save your affair,answer is no .I ask this of you .Is it ok to break your vows and to still act like your married just because mans law says your married,when in gods law you broke your vows of marriage!The web site says this is a marriage builders site and even has a section for dating, divorce as well as others.For many on this site it is black and white because it is mans law or gods law whichever fits them at the time and the ones that see it as a grey area are pushed(forced)of the site by others or a select few. I have been married 1 time and divorced once,we will be married and I plan on it to be forever as I Wont be one that married 3-5 times like some on this site. I am just trying to learn to be a good spouse before the paper(mans law) and when we get married(gods law).Also she has told her ex sorry for the way she treated him when they was married and after the divorce. I am sorry if this thread bothers you as we are different because she never had a OMin her narriage.


dsd,

You got together with her before she was divorced - separated is NOT divorced...filing for divorce is NOT divorced...adultery is adultery - That IS a black and white issue...There are no "degrees of adultery"...You are correct, it would NOT have been appropriate for myself or my adultery partner to have come to the "Surviving An Affair" section of Marriage Builders for help - Why would it be any different for you and your adulteress? It isn't. To argue otherwise is moral relativity at it's finest...

I'm still scratching my head over why you are posting here in the "Surviving An Affair" section at all...You are not a "betrayed spouse", dsd, you are not married...There was no affair, as she was speaking with her rightful husband - It would have been a WONDERFUL thing if their marriage reconciled! I'm sure the children of the marriage would agree...

Mrs. W
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 06:48 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
I was divorced 4 five yrs. she was seperating from exh and going out w friends as well as starting to date others


And he filed for divorce because she was having AFFAIRS...dsd, it doesn't matter if you were OM #2 or OM #2,000,000...

Mrs. W
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 06:50 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
when she got her DWI about 2 weeks ago she called her exh to pick her up from jail,he said to her it was time to come home


This is very telling, dsd...It clearly paints a picture of a BS telling their WS that they wish to reconcile...

It's also telling that she called him in a time of trouble...

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 07:26 PM
She is divorced so there is no rightful husband(mans law). I hope you dont scratch your head to hard or you might dig your hair out! I thought it was fairly evident as to why I was posting on this sight,one theres alot of traffic,two to become a better person and three to make this relationship work. Its to late to turn back time. Iam just here to learn and not judge you or others, as some do. Can you tell me were to look for information that Dr.Harley uses for people that are not married? I want to learn and dont want to have another divorce in the future weather I marry her or not,it could help one have a better relationship with your sign.other, spouse,and daily communications with other.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 07:52 PM
dsd,

I would start by getting Dr. Harley's book Buyers, Renters, & Freeloaders...

I think you are signing up for a life of misery by choosing what you are...I pray that book will provide you with clarity and insight...

Lastly, my suggestion to you would be to consider another part of the MB forums to assist you - MB101 perhaps? The "Surviving An Affair" forum is the triage section for married people dealing with the horrible impact of adultery on their marriages...The adulterous origin [and continuance] of your non-marital relationship is not well suited for this particular section, imo...

Mrs. W
Posted By: BeanCounter2 Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 08:00 PM
dsd YOU can justify and do all the mental gymnastics in the world but facts are facts. She was married and YOU helped her betray her family. Take what YOU are feeling and multiply it by a factor of 1000 to get an idea of what it feels like ot be on the other side.

YOU did that to someone else. YOU only need to read these forums to see what kind of damage YOU have done.

YOU are the enemy. Why would you think any of us would want to help YOU? I hope that both of YOU get your comeuppance soon.

It is the height of arrogance and selfishness to come here and ask people like us to help YOU.

Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 08:07 PM
Thanks,I am trying to learn and again thanks!
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 08:09 PM
Beanie your post was really helpfull since you are sush a Vet to the forums!
Posted By: BeanCounter2 Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 08:12 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Beanie your post was really helpfull since you are sush a Vet to the forums!


You don't have to be a forum vet to know the pain your actions cause.
Posted By: saynomore Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 08:19 PM
Amen, Bean. Sometimes new BS, Plan Aers , Plan Bers, exposers etc add a fresh new perspective to the agony that we are all dealing/have dealt with. Pain is pain. Yours is new.

God's Blessings,

Say
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 08:20 PM
Her ex told us one time that he new that they would be divorced, that there wasnt nothing there for them together andit was just a matter of time! He told her that he holds no anger for her. Again I am not trying to justify but I know that he was moved into his appartment and filling before we dated again not the best circumstances. I would do things different now but didnt know what I know now then.
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 08:35 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Mel can you give me some info were I can find what Dr.Harley recommends for people thay are nt married yet?


Speaking of knowing now what you didn't know then...here's some info NOW that if you follow through with marrying your affair partner and the affair marriage inevitably implodes [most likely she cheats on you with yet another OM or maybe her ex-husband] you CAN NOT say "if I only knew before I married her, what I know now":



Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley
oneoftwo:

I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.

While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.

I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.

I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.

There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.

But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.

I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.

The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.

While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.


You've been forewarned. What she does WITH YOU she'll do TO YOU.

AND

Under God's Law...once she marries another, her ex-husband will be biblically prohibited from taking her back. He wants her back NOW...he told her "to come home" (which doesn't sound at all like a guy who just up and divorced his wife years ago). It would be best for ALL involved [INCLUDING YOU] if you encouraged her to go back to her husband.

Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing.

Mr. W
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 08:39 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Her ex told us one time that he new that they would be divorced, that there wasnt nothing there for them together andit was just a matter of time! He told here that he holds no anger for her. Again I am not trying to justify but I know that he was moved into his appartment and filling before we dated again not the best circumstances. I would do things different now but didnt know what I know now then.


Oh yes, you absolutely ARE trying to justify your actions...Of course it was "just a matter of time", she wouldn't stop having affairs!

Mrs. W
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 08:46 PM
Quote:
"But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." Matthew 5:32


Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 09:00 PM
MrsW with all due respect to you and others I am NOT TRying to justify my actions,truely I am not. We have a little child that was planned and I begged and begged for and we both have children from exs and we both have a child from earlier relationships were there was no marriage. We have this little girl that I want to show what true love is and to grow up with both her parents, our other children did nt get that chance. I was NEVER in love with my ex but my parents pushed me to marry her since I already had a child out of wedlock. Again our other children didnt get the chance to have both parents in their life into adulthood. I feel so strongly that that is the problem with so many children in todays society. I want our child to have this chance if you call that selfish then so be it. I know the other children have paid the price for their parents actions and there is nothing we can do about it now,but to learn and move on and show them what we have learned and to show them what rasing a child should be like with loving parents.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 09:02 PM
crybaby <~~~ Me. For all the children who have been damaged by at least two (or more) selfish & irresponsible people who put their needs and desires above the needs of children.
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 09:04 PM
PEP it truely is sad
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 09:08 PM
TO ALL, Do people really change or are we all going to be what we have been the rest of our lives,OM,OW,BS?
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 09:19 PM
MrsW with all due respect to you and others I am NOT TRying to justify my actions,truely I am not.

Yet, you justified your actions in this very thread - by blaming your own parents.


We have a little child that was planned and I begged and begged for

.... while unmarried

and we both have children from exs

... children who have been forced to live with the pain & chaos brought about by your choices and irresponsible, selfish actions

and we both have a child from earlier relationships were there was no marriage.

... children who have been forced to live with the pain & chaos brought about by your choices and irresponsible, selfish actions


We have this little girl

... whose parents never married (sad, shameful, irresponsible)

that I want to show what true love is

... "true love" is not within your grasp. It requires commitment, and consistency, morality, integrity, and responsible decision-making


and to grow up with both her parents, our other children did nt get that chance.

... because of your selfishness and inability to takes vows and keep your promises


I was NEVER in love with my ex

... again, making a baby under such circumstances shows poor judgment, and low character


but my parents pushed me to marry her since I already had a child out of wedlock.

... see - you blame shift here, which is pathetic naughty

Again our other children didnt get the chance to have both parents in their life into adulthood.

... because of your selfishness, lack of moral compass, and attitudes about love, marriage, comitment


I feel so strongly that that is the problem with so many children in todays society.

... a problem you have done your part in perpetuating

I want our child to have this chance if you call that selfish then so be it.

MrRollieEyes

I know the other children have paid the price for their parents actions

... the price for YOUR actions - OWN IT


and there is nothing we can do about it now,but to learn and move on and show them what we have learned and to show them what rasing a child should be like with loving parents.

YOU ARE AN UN MARRIED MAN SAYING THIS - you cannot be serious !!! Nooo
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 09:26 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
TO ALL, Do people really change or are we all going to be what we have been the rest of our lives,OM,OW,BS?


Are you paying a lot of child support for the children you've sired and no longer live with?



Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 09:27 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
TO ALL, Do people really change or are we all going to be what we have been the rest of our lives,OM,OW,BS?


How has this WW changed? How have you changed? You and she continue to commit adultery today...Saying, "Oops, sorry" doesn't equal "changed"...Not by a long shot...

You and she want others to accept the unacceptable...NICE WORDS do NOT change CONTINUED WRONG ACTIONS...

dsd, it's like a bank robber saying "Sorry, what's done is done!" while continuing to spend the money...

It's like a rapist, saying "BYGONES" while continuing to rape...

NOTHING HAS CHANGED...

How can you make a relationship that began as adultery into something else? You can't, it's not possible...

You cannot turn this sow's ear of a relationship into a silk purse...IT WILL FAIL...Don't believe me? Go read ZenWolf's thread - it should serve as a cautionary tale for you...

Mrs. W
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 09:40 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
and there is nothing we can do about it now,but to learn and move on and show them what we have learned and to show them what rasing a child should be like with loving parents.


YES, there IS something you can do about it...You can start leading a MORAL life...You can turn from this sin...You can teach them by righting the wrongs in your life - ending the ADULTERY and teaching them WHY your actions were WRONG...YOU can break the cycle - if you don't, you realize they will follow in your footsteps, and the cycle will continue, right?

dsd, you can't raise a morally sound child in a household where adultery continues DAILY...That is UNHEALTHY and IRRESPONSIBLE...

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/02/10 11:20 PM
MrsW so with 5:32 are we going to go with gods law or mans law? many times they dont work together. So there seems to be so many gods on here! To who ever ask about child support no i didnt pay except for a short time before i got custody of the child. The other two of my marriage we had 50/50 with no support either way for if our children needed something we worked with each other. We will all be judged one day so lets not do it here. I was not blaming my parents just stating the facts!!!!!
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 12:30 AM
Merriam-Webster online search -Adultery:voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a woman and someone other than her husband
Posted By: saynomore Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 12:39 AM
Give it up DSD. Content yourself with reading all of the valuable information on this site and glean all of the advice that you can off of other threads. Even if your live in does not decide to go back to her H, you are going need aal of the help you can get.

This forum is definately NOT the place for you to seek advice.

God's Blessings,

Say
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 12:44 AM
Pep you took my question that you didnt answer and then ask another question that wasnt even related to the one I ask! So I have to ask are you in politics or public relations? You can add the two together and become a spin doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 12:54 AM
say -you read the definition of adultery, right there it is black and white. So many say that it is not grey only black and white but then post in the grey area of what they believe. We are not living the life of adultery. Maybe living in sin but then again you or I arent to judge each other!
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:03 AM
If I had it to do all over again I would nt of dated her while she was seperated and going through a divorce, knowing what I know now. That was 6yrs ago. There are others on this sight that came here for help and are getting divorced knowing all the info and are dating or telling of all the attention that they are getting and they knew the information about dating while seperated or divorcing. I didnt know and never even thought about it untill I started ready here. A little to late !!!!!!!!
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:08 AM
Originally Posted By: dsd
MrsW so with 5:32 are we going to go with gods law or mans law? many times they dont work together. So there seems to be so many gods on here!


Uhhhhh...HUH? Scripture is the word of God, dsd...I don't know what else to tell you...I'm not a fan of the "my truth"/"your truth" kind of baloney...After all, there is only THE TRUTH...That being said, THE TRUTH is your "relationship" is ADULTEROUS...

Originally Posted By: dsd
We will all be judged one day so lets not do it here.


When someone says something to the effect of your above quote, I will, for the rest of my life, think of something Pep said here once - I wish I had the link for her exact words...Here's my very liberally paraphrased version:

Ever notice that people only trot out the "Don't judge me" card when doing something they know they should be judged for?

For instance, you never hear anyone say...

"I do volunteer work with the homeless. DON'T JUDGE ME!"

"I eat healthy foods, and feed the same to my children. DON'T JUDGE ME!"

"I read to my child every night. DON'T JUDGE ME!"

Personally, now when I hear or read the words "DON'T JUDGE ME!", it is a flashing neon sign saying "JUDGE ME", so I reach for my gavel...stickout

Originally Posted By: dsd
I was not blaming my parents just stating the facts!!!!!


And the facts are that your parents made your adult life choices for you? Wow...okay...

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:14 AM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Merriam-Webster online search -Adultery:voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a woman and someone other than her husband
were do I fit in here MrsW.I see were you fit.
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:30 AM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Pep you took my question that you didnt answer and then ask another question that wasnt even related to the one I ask! So I have to ask are you in politics or public relations? You can add the two together and become a spin doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bump
Posted By: Lady_Clueless Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:36 AM
Quote:
Maybe living in sin but then again you or I arent to judge each other!


Oh, but we ARE to judge sinful behavior and point it out to the person who is sinning.

I think that you are misquoting Matthew 7:1, as many people do. The problem is...people quote it out of context.

The entire passage is Matthew 7:1-5:

Matthew 7
"1 Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye."

What Jesus is teaching is simply this: "Do not be a hypocrite and judge someone for doing wrong if you are doing the same thing yourself."

He is NOT teaching that Christians are not to point out wrong-doing or sinful behavior. We ARE to do so, while examining our own lives to eliminate sin.

It seems to me that you have behaved irresponsibly for much of your adult life.

1. Fathering a child prior to marriage with your ex-wife,
2. father yet another child outside of wedlock,
3. choosing to have an affair with a woman who was not yet divorced, and
4.fathering a child that you PLANNED without the benefit of marriage.
5. Now, you wish to USE that child to force this woman into marriage with you.

4 & 5 absolutely makes me think of the irresponsible young girls/women who deliberately get pregnant because then the guy who just wanted in their pants will somehow "realize that he loves her and wants to marry her."

You are exhibiting the same kind of stinking thinking.

You keep talking about YOUR child needing to grow up with both her parents. Well, if her mother's ex-husband desires to reconcile with her, why should THEIR children not grow up with both their parents? Over the past 6 years, they could possibly have grown up with both their parents...except that your presence in their mother's life interfered with the possibility of their parents' reconciliation.

Now, it seems that their father IS open to reconciliation.

What makes YOUR daughter any more special than HIS children?

You need to work out a custody arrangement nnd let this woman go.

You ARE in an affair, and you ARE in an inappropriate area on this forum.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:39 AM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Originally Posted By: dsd
Merriam-Webster online search -Adultery:voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a woman and someone other than her husband
were do I fit in here MrsW.I see were you fit.


Firstly, are you saying you didn't sleep together until the divorce was final...Come now...I was born in the morning, just not THIS morning, dsd...

As for your current status of doing all that you can to marry this WW, I will quote from Matthew for you again...

Quote:
"But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." Matthew 5:32


Let's not forget you are still sleeping with her...She who belongs to another...

As for me?

I stopped committing adultery...I returned to my marriage and am very in love with my husband...I have repented and have been forgiven...

Quote:
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." John 8:9-11


In a nutshell dsd, I did as Jesus asked...I left that sin behind...

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:41 AM
is it a affair or adultery? Also i wasnt trying to quote anyone
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:44 AM
MrsW. There again you are trying to use both mans law and gods law it doesnt work that way when its black or white.Also you hsay you have been for given, by who?
Posted By: Lady_Clueless Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:46 AM
DSD, you are both in an affair AND committing adultery.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:48 AM
Originally Posted By: dsd
MrsW. There again you are trying to use both mans law and gods law it doesnt work that way when its black or white.


I have no idea what you are trying to say, dsd...HUH?

Knock off the mental gymnastics of trying to make WRONG into RIGHT...

You ARE the OM...Your rationalizations and justifications are both disturbing and sickening...

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:49 AM
Originally Posted By: MrsWondering
Originally Posted By: dsd
Originally Posted By: dsd
Merriam-Webster online search -Adultery:voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a woman and someone other than her husband
were do I fit in here MrsW.I see were you fit.


Firstly, are you saying you didn't sleep together until the divorce was final...Come now...I was born in the morning, just not THIS morning, dsd...

As for your current status of doing all that you can to marry this WW, I will quote from Matthew for you again...

Quote:
"But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." Matthew 5:32


Let's not forget you are still sleeping with her...She who belongs to another...

As for me?

I stopped committing adultery...I returned to my marriage and am very in love with my husband...I have repented and have been forgiven...

Quote:
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." John 8:9-11


In a nutshell dsd, I did as Jesus asked...I left that sin behind...

Mrs. W
just saying adultery is not happening as some say it still is
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:49 AM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Also you hsay you have been for given, by who?


God and Mr. W...Why do you ask?

Mrs. W
Posted By: Lady_Clueless Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:53 AM
Originally Posted By: dsd
is it a affair or adultery? Also i wasnt trying to quote anyone


Earlier, you posted:

Quote:
Maybe living in sin but then again you or I arent to judge each other


People who make statements like that are generally referring to Matthew 7:1 in the Bible.

You really need to pay better attention to what Mrs. W is telling you.

Bible scripture is GOD'S WORD.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:54 AM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Originally Posted By: MrsWondering
Originally Posted By: dsd
Originally Posted By: dsd
Merriam-Webster online search -Adultery:voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a woman and someone other than her husband
were do I fit in here MrsW.I see were you fit.


Firstly, are you saying you didn't sleep together until the divorce was final...Come now...I was born in the morning, just not THIS morning, dsd...

As for your current status of doing all that you can to marry this WW, I will quote from Matthew for you again...

Quote:
"But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." Matthew 5:32


Let's not forget you are still sleeping with her...She who belongs to another...

As for me?

I stopped committing adultery...I returned to my marriage and am very in love with my husband...I have repented and have been forgiven...

Quote:
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." John 8:9-11


In a nutshell dsd, I did as Jesus asked...I left that sin behind...

Mrs. W
just saying adultery is not happening as some say it still is


dsd, denying THE TRUTH doesn't change the THE TRUTH...Sorry...

When does an affair stop being an affair, dsd? Is there a statute of limitations on affairs that I am unaware of? Is there something that magically makes an affair legitimate in your eyes?

Mrs. W
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:55 AM
just wondering doesnt really matter as long as you feel forgiven.People say that I am in a adulterous affair and as I think more about it maybe I was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!but not now and I can live with that!
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:56 AM
Originally Posted By: dsd
Pep you took my question that you didnt answer and then ask another question that wasnt even related to the one I ask! So I have to ask are you in politics or public relations? You can add the two together and become a spin doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Actually, they are related.

Your original question:
Originally Posted By: dsd


Quote:
TO ALL, Do people really change or are we all going to be what we have been the rest of our lives,OM,OW,BS?



How do we measure positive change in a person?
Let's assume we are talking about a person making a change to be a better person.


I was wondering, if you have made some great change and progress, as a man and a citizen and , most importantly, as a father .... what would that look like?
What would that change look like in the eyes of your children?


I began thinking, if you have really changed, and if you have really evolved into a better man, a better father, you would be paying a lot of child support toward the care and keeping and education of the children you do not have custody of.

I was thinking a changed man would be involved with their schooling, going to parent/teacher conferences, going to their little league games, their dance/music performances, etc. Helping them with their homework. Taking them to their doctor's appointments. Taking them to church or to movies or to tutors, if they need it.

I was thinking, a changed man would be going above and beyond what he is required to do by law in providing for his children ... paying MORE $$$ than a court has ordered him to.

So, instead of asking all of that, I asked:


Quote:
Are you paying a lot of child support for the children you've sired and no longer live with?
Posted By: Lady_Clueless Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 01:57 AM
Quote:
just saying adultery is not happening as some say it still is


Are you saying that you and the mother of your 3yo DD are no longer living together or having sex with one another?

If you are still living together or having sex with her, yes, adultery is STILL happening!
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 02:00 AM
Lady clue for you look up adultery with marrion-webster
Posted By: saynomore Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 02:03 AM
I think we are being scammed ladies. No one can be this obtuse for real.


I'm done.


God's Blessings,

Say
Posted By: Lady_Clueless Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 02:05 AM
DSD,

The

BIBLE

TRUMPS

Merriam-Webster!
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 09:04 PM
A question for all. When a drug addict achieves sobriety they are still a addict,correct? When a alcoholic achieves sobriety they are still a alcoholic,correct? So when a cheater comes here and says they are doing whatever it takes to recover there marriage wont they always be a cheater?
Posted By: Fred_in_VA Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 09:36 PM
Alcoholics and addicts who have RECOVERED. However, they can never, ever again do what they did, because the results will be the same or worse.

The key word is RECOVERED.
Posted By: ImStaying Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 09:40 PM
Originally Posted By: MrsW
Lastly, my suggestion to you would be to consider another part of the MB forums to assist you - MB101 perhaps? The "Surviving An Affair" forum is the triage section for married people dealing with the horrible impact of adultery on their marriages...The adulterous origin [and continuance] of your non-marital relationship is not well suited for this particular section, imo...

Great advice.
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 09:47 PM
So they are still alcoholics and addicts because they CAN NOT control there abuse. Kinda like a ex smoker told me that if he smoked 1 cig. he would burn the whole pack up and be buying another pack as soon as he ran out. A life long drinker quit drinking because his doctor said it was affecting him.His doctor said to limit it to 1-2 drinks a day and he would be fine. He told me that he decided to quit drinking altogether because for him that was easier than stoping after 1-2drinks Still an alcoholic but not drinking!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: Fred_in_VA Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 09:50 PM
Originally Posted By: dsd
So they are still alcoholics and addicts because they CAN NOT control there abuse. Kinda like a ex smoker told me that if he smoked 1 cig. he would burn the whole pack up and be buying another pack as soon as he ran out. A life long drinker quit drinking because his doctor said it was affecting him.His doctor said to limit it to 1-2 drinks a day and he would be fine. He told me that he decided to quit drinking altogether because for him that was easier than stoping after 1-2drinks Still an alcoholic but not drinking!!!!!!!!!

What's your point?
Posted By: dsd Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 10:20 PM
Whats my point? point is I came here to learn and understand what it takes to be in the best relationship possible given the circumstances at the time.many on here was cheating on their spouse when their spouse did not know but they still say they are former cheaters but how can that be when a alcoholic is always a alcoholic and a drug addict is always a addict.

EDIT


I Have never cheated in this relationship and thats more than alot of you on here can say. I am a good person and take care of my family and have supported many of familys in time of need and hardships. I do believe in god and may not be able to say one verseof the bible and dont really care or want anyone telling me their interpitation of said verses or any other verse they want to talk about but dont care if they believe it that way or not.I can not take back time and do things different and may not always agree with you but that doesnt mean either are not right or wrong. Iam just trying to be a better person , father,businessman and spouse. thanks
Posted By: BerlinMB Re: Can a emotional affair - 02/03/10 11:07 PM
We are done here
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