My annual look in the rear view mirror. (my journal)

Dec 25 1995:
CHRISTMAS DAY
I wrote; "Christmas was wonderful. Family. Closeness. Plans for the future."

Dec 26 1995:
BOXING DAY
H went to work. He was working on a TV movie being filmed in the same city his parents live in. (Same city OW lives in)
I write about my concern that we've not had SF in a long time. Probably due to H's work stress.

Dec 27 1995:
Cleaning the room we're sharing in his Mom's house I discover "evidence".
An unopened box of condoms and a jar of vaseline.
I suddenly "know".
My heart is pounding so hard as I then proceed to tear the room apart.
I find more "stuff".
A receipt for expensive flowers I never saw.
A book I did not give him. OW wrote a dedication to H inside the cover.
Now I know "who".
I call H at work.
"I know".
H does all the usual obfuscation.
"It's not what you think."
"We're just friends."
"We only made plans but never did it."
etc etc etc


I call OW.
She lies.
"We're just friends. I am insulted by your accusations."


H comforts me.
"I want you I don't want her. It's over."
Something still feels wrong.
In my journal I write:

"Rule/truth #1 - Trust my instincts"

Finally, H confesses it's been going on 18 months.
Now my vision becomes clear.
I want that basstard out of my life.

How I did exposure:

My parents (My mother told me that I had been a very good wife when I questioned myself)
My sister and her husband (just shocked)
My in laws (MIL was really really at her son ... she helped me so much)

How exposure to OWH went down:
Me to H: "You're out of here." (I meant out of my life)
H was scared.
"I'll do anything you say in order to stay."

In about 15 seconds I knew my response ....

"Here it is. You go to OWH and confess A with OW to his face with me sitting by your side."

H (shocked)
"Can't we just stop the hurt here?"

"You're out of here."

H (defeated)
"OK. I'll do it."

We arranged to meet OWH in a coffee shop later that day.
In the meantime, H's pager was going off like mad. (remember 1995 technology) OW was desperately trying to reach my H to tell him what to say to her H .... "We're just friends."

H and I meet OWH.
H confesses. Apologizes.

Then, OWH shocks my H when he says:

"I already knew. I read your letter to my wife."

(OW lied to my H, told him she destroyed the love letter )

So, that face-to-face man-to-man confession was the only reason I gave WH any chance to earn his place back in my heart.

And he did.

H became sober Dec 27 .... in more ways than one.

It's that little flitter in your stomach that races to your heart and proceeds to crush it.

I remember.

Thank GOD that's over.

This is why I'm still around. I wanna help others who suddenly "know". You too, I suspect.

You're an angel in disguise around here, along with several others who will remain nameless for now, lest I leave someone out.

(((Pep)))

That is a HEROES story.

Ah, Christmas 1995. My first XW decided that she would not attend Christmas at her sister, with her entire family, as she "wanted to go to a local mission for the homeless to help feed the homeless". She had never done anything like this in the past.
I took my two young sons to the festivities and her entire family was aghast that she was absent. My boys were the only ones there without their mom. All the other cousins and aunts and uncles were there.
Of course, she did not go to homeless shelter, instead meeting one of her OM. She showed up in the wee morning hours drunk, as ususal.
Shortly after this, she had to fly to Chicago to visit museums. She shared a hotel room with one of the guys she met in AA.
My dad had just died. So, as a present to me, when she came home, she began pressuring me to move out and find my own place. She was a true pillar of strength for me in my grief.

Thanks for sharing that Pep.

When you read back through those dark days, does it no longer cause the wretching pain?

I'm so not there.

You rock Pep! You had MB instincts before you ever knew anything about MB!!! We are lucky to have you around here sharing your wisdom....

Mindshare

UGH! Christmas. It was Christmas Day 2006. XWH was taking too many trips to the local convenience store for coffee. He left after Christmas dinner for yet more coffee (didn't like mine) and the phone rang. Caller ID said nothing more than "city,state" (the city and state where he was on temporary assignment). I answered "hello"....."hello"...CLICK.

Then "I knew" too.

Christmas will never have the same meaning for me. Looking back, I wish I would have done what you did Pep and just tell him to get out. Instead I did too much Plan A and went through too many false recoveries. A year of h3ll for sure.

{{{{{{Chai}}}}}

Ah, Christmas 2001. H was so distant; everything was wrong; I was so unhappy. I'd given up my high-paid job in an effort to give more time to the marriage, but I knew it wasn't changing anything. On Boxing Day, I blurted out 'Is there someone else?' He said nothing, just stared at me. I said 'This training course in New York you're going to, is it really a course?' He said,'Don't you trust me?'. I was ashamed of myself for accusing him. Thought it was something wrong with me.


That same Boxing Day, he emailed OW to say 'TA is being a b*tch. Can I come to yours next Christmas?'

Of course, the trip to New York was really a holiday with OW.

I found this all out on July 28th 2002, when he finally came clean. He made me feel like I was an insecure witch for seven months after I asked him for the truth.

The selfishness of infidelity is unspeakable.

TA

No pain.
It took at least 5 years before I could say "none".

That's good to know, Pep. Thanks.

I just came across this in a stack of my papers. It's from Apri, 1994. It's called, "And God Said, 'NO'"

:MerryChristmas:

Thank you Pep for this.....it is a gentle reminder to all of the pain you have walked through in order to pass on your wisdom to us....

:MerryChristmas:

not2fun

7 YEARS for me. XWH slept with my young cousin and proceeded to deny it for 7 years. If not for the keylogger I installed (at the urging of MB people) I would still be wondering and he would still be calling me crazy for wondering. I hate liars.

Yes.
The lies are the real poison arrows.

Thank you, Pep, for sharing your experience.

Yes, yes, I tell my son that the main reason I divorced his father is because he lied and continued to lie, that omission of the truth is a lie. I don't budge on this one. I will not tolerate lying from my son. He's got to have an example to follow. That has to be me. Honesty may temporarily hurt, but lying leaves marks on us forever.

It really is a form of PTSD, isn't it? It took me 5 years too to get over my first PTSD, and I guess this is my 2nd one now. Time really does heal all wounds, as long as you let it.

:HappyHolidays: to everyone!

Christmas 2009.....the most awful Christmas ever experienced in my life. Feels like just another day. The magic is not here; everything is very hohum and "fake". Here's hoping this is the bottom and there are many, many bright Christmases in my ("our") future.

Cheers! :wavingsanta:

Migsamac, some days are all about survival...just surviving the day.

{{{{{Migsamac}}}}}

Thanks SexyMama.......one day at a time is about all I am doing at this point.

Wait for it...Wait for it....Here it is...


We hear so often "two years." After a year and a pretty good recovery process, I'd say that Pep's five years sounds more realistic. Thanks, Pep. I've been waiting for that more realistic assessment.

Can't remember the exact date of my D-day...26th? 27th? 28th? I do remember it was Dec 2004... between Xmas & New Year!
...a day when my world as I knew it ended and my life was turned 'upside down'

I needed to use WS's cell to make a call while waiting for him, and looked for it in his briefcase next to me...but instead I came across a pack of DS elementary school's standard envelopes, and I was curious to see what it was all about

They seemed to be all handwritten... I only needed to read a few lines.... enough to 'know' ..... these were all OW's 'love letters' (a teacher at DS's school where WS was a 'volunteer parent') six months later WS moved out...

Sorry CL! , but a ratio of 1-5 yrs of M seems about right (whether it be M or personal recovery) - it's not called a 'marathon' for nothing!

I credit my decision to go to Plan B (Newbies take note!), started one month after WS moved out, as being the first of many that would STOP my spiralling down along with WS...and as the START of my way up from the dark hole I was in... determined to go beyond just 'surviving and affair' and do whatever it took to get me to the place I am at now .... a world mostly filled with compassion, peace, laughter, sincerity, hope, patience, appreciation, honesty, affection, perseverance, curiosity, beauty..... but most of all... LOVE!

I am so proud of myself does it show?

..and as of Dec. 2009.... Dec 2004 seems sooo faaar awaaaaay!

It's possible...if you BELIEVE it is!

Chai, I did the same as you.....sometimes I really think if I was just more confident in myself, it would have been better off if I had just booted his a$$ out on Dday and filed for D....IDK, but It just seems to turn out better when you do...The WS seems to get scared and wants to try to save the M....

But I was in no shape to do that, I begged, I pleaded, I attempted suicide.....all for naught. I was a weak pathetic BS and WH ran...Oh well, you live, you learn....sometimes the really hard way.

You did it exactly right for you Pep. Exactly right for you both.

Another cosmic sister of mine. Go Pep!!

December 1995 was when I asked my now XW to marry me, it was our first Christmas together.

We bought a house and closed on it Jan. 2nd.

It was a good year with good memories, too bad it was all a lie.

My birthday is in December...I was married in 1996. So on my birthday in 1995 my WH proposed to me....He bought a baby ferret, which he knew I would want. I thought that was my gift, but on a ribbon around the ferrets neck was a 1 carat diamond ring with two 1/2 carat sapphires on each side....it was gorgeous.

Now it is in my closet, collecting dust, it is waaay to small for me now and WH says that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. ... I am thinking of selling it, but DS said he wants it for when he gets married, LOL.....he is only eight. Cutie pie.

The ferret is gathering dust?

What a sweetie. My DD is already killing me off to get my jewelry.

What is it with the holiays and affairs. Mine wasn't Christmas but the first time he got home late (the start of the physical part) was Dec 30, 2006. The holidays are not the same for me and i doubt they ever will be.

Okay, my stomach hurts...

Yeah, me and my sis are doin that to my mother...LOL, just kidding..I love my mom. What me and my sister do in front of my mother is argue about who is getting stuck with all her mickey mouse stuff, the house is filled with them....My poor mom, me and my sis love to tease her ...She always shoots back sayin' shes leaving all the mickey's to my DS so I get stuck with them...He would love them.

Amazing story. Will I ever find such courage because there may come a time.

Annual December "bump" of this thread.
It will be 15 YEARS at the end of this month.

I LOVE this thread... powerful stuff.

Who says there are no christmas miracles....

Exactly...

On Christmas morning, 2008, I took pictures of the festivities. Two of them are close-ups of my FWH. I remember printing them and looking at his eyes, thinking "Why is he so unhappy?" That's when he was in turmoil about the affair I wasn't even aware of.

Fast-forward to December 2010: FWH is as excited as a kid for the upcoming holidays (he claimed during the A that he always hated Christmas ) Tonight we're taking the kids out for pizza and tree-buying. He keeps calling to see if I've decided where we're buying the tree and can't wait to pick one out. We had to get all the outside lights up right after Thanksgiving or I never would have heard the end of it from him.

What a difference fidelity makes...

Pep, I've appreciated your story and often shared a link to it on here. I've heard it said it wasn't strictly Marriage Builders, but to me it looks like an instant Plan B with great success.

I think my years making quick decisions in triage situations served me well.
I made errors, but overall, and without any Marriage Builders at the time .... I done good.
My Mother helped me so much, as did my MIL.
I spend a record minimum amount of time in the "It must be my fault" quicksand.

Also, at 18 months, the affair was not-so-much-fun anymore.
It was very "killable".

Plus, I was dealing with a WH, not a WW.
Much easier.

Why is that, Pepperband?

(p.s. Congrats on your success story ... learning the truth and handling it successfully.)

I think that helped dramatically.

I wish everybody could be wired to understand this ahead of time.

Yes.
Also, I spent almost ZERO time in ~~~> "It must be all Predator-OW's fault."

Useless.

Men (WH) are usually sex-involved with OW.
Usually do not want OW to be their future wife.
My H never saw himself permanently with OW.

Women (WW) are usually very love-future-husband-family invested ... A much stronger bond to break.

Many WW's get dumped by their affair partner on exposure.
WW's do not usually dump the OM on exposure. They say they do, but they lie.

Often, the WH has wanted a way out for awhile.

Are there exceptions?
Sure.
Is there a pattern?
Yes.

Awesome, Pep.

I spent very little time in the "must be my fault" sand. It wasn't helped by the support I received from my own sister and mother.

Have I told you that you're my hero?

Have I also told you that you have a tremendous amount of my respect, because you were willing to.. hmmm... have a vigorous discussion and not become dismissive or belligerent?

That's not common.

Your H is a lucky man, and I'm sure it has been your patience that has helped shape him into a man that makes you a fortunate gal.

Congrats.

HHH
I think it helps that we ( you & I ) speak a common language.
You know what I mean

Medical/science/sarcasm

Emphasis on the sarcasm.

Try to keep it in check here, but sometimes the beast can't be boxed.

Pep, I remember reading this thread a year ago. I was CERTAIN that I had posted. Just re-read it and I am not there. I had to make it right.

Thank you for your help. You were the person I clung to a year ago. Remember "WWPD?" HAHAHAHAHAHA Love ya

I love this!! Lol... Pep's one of my heroes too.

Halloween time 2005. I'm looking on my husband's computer for a song that my daughter sent to us that she recorded with her band.

I see a file labeled with a body part that starts with "t".

Out of a strange fear, I open it. There is OW in all her glory, topless.

I knew right then.


I left the photo up and went to my husband and said:

I HATE YOU.

He looked at me and ran to the computer. At first he tried to deny it, saying that she just sent it to him...

I looked at him and told him to stop lying. And:

I HATE YOU.


It was only a few hours later - after I told him that I was leaving him - that he confessed, with a trickle truth to follow.

A weel or so later, he had a biopsy for prostate cancer.


The night before Thanksgiving, at 8 pm, the doctor called us with the news that he was positive, would need surgery, and that meant


the possibility of never having SF again.


Christmas found me begging God that the OW would not be the last sexual memory my H had.

I was on the crash-course of MB, rushing things along so that we could be sure recovery would happen before that surgery. I Plan A'd until I thought my soul would die.

He had the surgery after Christmas, only three days after my Dad had heart surgery.

My H was devastated and thought his life was over, that he would never make it up to me. I thought the same thing, but prayed for a different outcome.


That year after his surgery was terrible. 2005 and 2006 were the roughest years of my life.

I wonder, looking back, if God's intervention was that He wanted us to reconnect on a different level?

Somehow, even with H's trickle-truth approach, we made it through the year. And finally, God's grace intervened, and my H recovered his sexual abilities.


Gently, we nursed him to health, and our marriage, too.

Each year gets a little easier. I still cry when I look back, though. Five years, and I still wonder how I could have been so oblivious. Or how he could have been so cruel...


It doesn't pay to dwell, because memories can take me back in more ways than one, and my focus now is the future, and the NOW.


NOW, I have a husband who has worked very hard to regain my trust, show his love and appreciation for me, and treats me like a queen.

Like Pep, I was stuck in the "my fault" canyon. NOW, it's evident that it was all about him.




I see Christmas this year as a little melancholy for me at times, because I cannot help looking back and its hard not to wallow in that old pain.


So I lean on my H, and he pulls me into today.


SB

What a story SB, puts a little perspective on my own situation.

Do you ever wonder why god throws this at us all at the same time? What with you finding out about the affair, then coping with your H and your dads illness. How did you get through? Maybe he could cut us some slack and space it out a bit

I am so happy that your H treats you like a queen, how lovely.

Thank you for posting this, Pep.

Your strength was amazing. Plain and simple.

I guess I don't question God's reasons anymore. I figure it's my job to meet His challenges as He tosses them my way

and do the best I can with what He gives me.


I figure that compared to many other people, I have it mighty good.

After all, I HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE.


SB

I will never forget Christmas of 2003. We were separated, I'd moved into plan D, and realized nothing could change ever. But still sad.

My xh conned the courts, somehow getting off paying very little cs to me and tried to ruin me financially for exposing his little extracurricular activities (he was then a ceo).

My intermediary could not come as it was holiday time, and there was a drop off/pick up of my son. I thought it unusual as my ex did not even ask for my son during all of his preschool winter break.

When he drove up to bring my son back from only having him overnight, he got out, looked at me hard (we were at a gas station in full public) as if he hadn't seen me in ages, and had tears in his eyes. I know he was going grey, but saw suddenly his goatee and hair had been dyed full black (his younger color) and I knew.

He was leaving to go get married to the ow. The pregnant ow. I looked at him in an instant and said "Good luck and happy new year. Looks like I'm going to be the only one with a fresh start and who can date."

I remember the wind knocked out of me. My little son was so young then, and he didn't know why mommy was speechless on the drive home. I remember crying and crying all night long and felt well...defeated.

So, a few good friends knew of this, and took me out on new years' eve (the day after he married the ow) and took me to a new years' eve ball. I made sure to look my best and even bought a new evening gown, I was determined to start over. Right before midnight, my friends went up to the band and told them what I'd just endured, and how I was determined to start my life over in 1994, and so the band dedicated their cover of No Doubt's "It's My Life" to me as the clock struck 12.

I did shead a tear or two dancing with my friends on the dance floor. And somehow we got our photos (the group of us) in a local society magazine. It was a great pic.

So what did I do? I sent out a "Happy New Year..New Life" card to all my friends, and all my xh's friends with that photo in the card of me on the day I began MY LIFE again.

Feel free to borrow my starting over song if you want to!

I am always reminded of this time when new years' eve rolls around.

And wouldn't you know it? My second date with my dh now, was on new years' eve.

I started over. Sure did.

Pep your amazing. Thanks for spreading your wisdom to those of us who need to hear.

Another year has just flown by.
A difficult year.
A great year.
I'm alive.
I never felt so close to God as I do today.

It will be 16 YEARS at the end of this month.

God Bless every Marriage Builder and everyone you love.
God Bless the entire Harley clan.

It will be 17 years in 4 days.

To the currently suffering spouses, there will come a time of healing. No matter what your wayward does, you can/will heal and thrive.

I remember thinking that my life was ruined and I would never allow myself to feel vulnerable again.

I am now vulnerable, and the happier for it.

God's blessings everyone.

merry christmas, pep. may you have many more happy ones.

Thank you. I am enjoying this Christmas very much.
This time last year I was in the hospital. I was discharged right before Christmas.
I am so grateful.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas to you.

Thank you for the words of wisdom Pep and for the advice, encouragement you offer fellow MBers.

Merry Christmas Pep to you and your family.

Last Christmas, about a week prior, my wife came home after spending a week at OM house.
I was in plan B but I had to go back to plan A because I couldn't keep her out of the house (contrary to what some post, it is illegal to change locks and just kick a spouse out especially when a judge signs a Restraining Order prohibiting you from doing that).
She came back, said she ended her affair and then OM wife text me on Christmas Eve and said my wife was still in contact with OM. My wife denied it when confronted.
Then her enabling father showed up and helped her buy an affair phone and give her cash.
I had already filed for divorce and her attitude of contrition soon faded into hatred for me.
A few months later the court granted our divorce. For several months, I lived in misery as she would yell and scream and wake me up at all times of the night to "talk," disappear for days at a time and then reappear.

This Christmas, I woke up to my children shouting "Santa came!"
I slept good last night. I want woken up or yelled at or anything like that.
My children are healthier emotionally than last year.
And I am too.

The affair resulted in my foreclosure and bankruptcy.
But through it all, I felt Gods hand.
He protected my children and has given me the tools needed to parent them.
A lesson I learned from AlAnon is that we have no control over other peoples actions. We can only control how we behave and how we allow the actions of others to affect us

I don't expect you for one moment of time, or one iota of degree, to say, "Oh, okay then, it was all worth it!", but it does strike me that without your H's betrayal, and your fight to save your marriage, the "stew" that is the amalgam of the advice available on MB would be much blander without the "pepper" you bring to it. Seventeen years, huh?

(But I must also reveal that I HATED my reaction on reading your sentence - I suddenly "know". - because it slapped me back emotionally to exactly 3.5 years earlier like nothing ever had before, with the nakedness and blatancy of your structure.)

Merry Christmas, esteemed colleague!

oh yes.

Merry Christmas, Pep, and congratulations on 17 years!!