My husband told me he was moving out 1 month ago when I got home from student teaching and then working afterward. He stated that we had not been happy for a while and he thought we needed time apart. This came as a complete shock to me and I have been lost and confused ever since that day. He complains that I have shut him out and we do have money problems that he was not completely aware of. He moved out before telling me and he told the children before me. These two things I was angry about, but have since realized that they are the least important things at this point. We talk everyday, he helps take care of the house (laundry, sweeping, and anything and everything that is needed), he comes home on the days off to get the kids on the bus and off if he is not working. The conversations we have (via text or after the children go to sleep) are meaningful and have substance. The other day I needed to go to church to program music, but couldn't bring myself to go in since there were other people there. He offered to meet me with the kids at church and stay with me while I did what I needed to do. He shows me in many ways that he cares and has concerns for me. He has taken on all the financial obligation except for the food and a couple of household bills (phones). The big problem is that he says there is another woman and he is staying at her place. He keeps giving me positive signs but won't move back home or talk with anyone. He can't get past his anger at me no matter what I do when it comes to talking about the actual marriage. This is not the person he is down to his core and I know what he is doing is actually trying to punish himself for the affair and punish me for my mistakes. The few people he has told, I feel he told because he was hoping for them to be mad at him. He is not getting the anger from people, only people wanting to care for him and help us fix things. I am at a loss for what to do. Saturday was the worst day that I have had since he left and truly debated whether or not everyone would be better off without me around. I was hoping for anything to happen to me so that my children and him did not have to deal with me any more. His parents actually came to see me yesterday and talk about what was going on. They are all supportive of reviving our marriage because they know (as well as I do and truly, my husband knows) that this is not the person that he is and he is reacting out of anger. His parents lent me their shoulder for everything that I need from financial to emotional support. I can't tell my parents because of the fights that my mother and I have and that she uses things from the past (either things I've said or done) as ammunition against me and I can't bare for them to ever have a negative opinion of my husband. I am completely devoted to fixing our marriage and working on things, but don't know where to go from here or what to do. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. My husband is a great father and deep down inside a great man, husband, and lover. How do I help to open his eyes? Everything says that not communicating about the actual problem is the answer, but not communicating was one of our main problems, so I don't see how that will help us now. Thanks for listening.
Please take advantage of the reading material available via the Basic Concepts link at the top of this page.
Because your H is having an affair, most of us recommend you buy the book Surviving An Affair (you can oder through the bookstore on this site, or go to your local bookstore)
His choice to have an affair is not your fault. The state of the marriage is 50 percent yours but HE MADE THE COICE to break his vows to you. Please read the links Pepperband posted and get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley.
Thank you for your responses and advice. I get frustrated with the couple of friends that I have to talk to that every time I point out something good that happens, they like to point out how their ex tried to do things like that. I also find out that they did nothing to accept any of the kindness from the ex and not try to change anything about themselves. It's hard to always hear a negative when you try to talk about a positive.
His parents actually came down on Sunday to see if the kids and I were all right. He has talked with his dad but asked for him not to talk with his mom. His dad did talk with his mom and they are on the support side of our marriage. I hope they talk with him and get him to see things. I talked to his parents and owned up to all my faults openly and honestly to show my husband that I am willing to own up to my problems and let them know that I am open to working on things and fixing things no matter what has been done. We are both responsible for our marriage problems. While what he has done is worse, we both have made mistakes.
I pray, "Dear Lord, please help my husband find his way back home with our family. Lead his heart in the ways that he was raised, believed, and shared with me and his children. He has taken a bad path. I have made mistakes. Please help us to heal our relationship and our family. Protect our children while they struggle with our problems. It is not their fault. Let them know and feel that. Lord in your mercy, hear my prayers."
You say his parents are on the side of your M but you do not say if they are aware that there is an A going on. It is CRUCIAL that you expose the A to them, as well as to many others.
The point of exposure is to KILL THE AFFAIR. It works most times (it worked for me). You cannot work on your M when the A is ongoing, your H is too foggy.
Hi prayerfulmom, sorry you are here. Have you exposed your husbands affair to the light of day? Exposure is the greatest weapon against this evil assault against your family and your marriage. Who is the OW? Do you know who she is?
I don't know who she is and haven't asked a lot of questions because he becomes upset and defensive when I bring any part of it up. His parents do know about the A. He told his dad and asked him not to tell his mom. His dad did tell his mom and they have gone through some of their own problems recently. His mom actually called to check on me tonight. As bad as our relationship has been in the past, his mom and I are actually talking and getting along right now. I did make him tell our pastor and last night our pastor asked if he should call him. I said that it couldn't hurt. Talk with my husband tonight for 15 minutes until I opened my mouth and said something stupid. I should have said something one way, but it came out the wrong way. Hating myself right now for doing it. I don't want to tell my family because it gives them ammunition against me during later fights. I don't know who to tell because I feel that people will view me as not being nice enough and giving him what he needed instead of being mad at him. I am lost and don't know what to do or who to tell.
I don't know who the OW is. I am watching his cell phone (his only way of communication unless there is one at her house). There are no calls to numbers that I don't know. Don't have access to email, but do know that he has a lot of texts. I was in charge of finances and because of time he took off to get on the fire department, our finances got out of control. I didn't tell him about them getting out of control because I didn't want to upset him. I think the biggest problem in the marriage was that he believed that I shutting him out when in fact I was trying to put ALL his needs first and not ask for attention, sex, etc. when I thought he was tired or stressed. I think the biggest problem was my low self esteem which was caused by my mom constantly putting me down because of my weight and always taking her anger and frustration out for others on me. I learned to deal with conflict by shutting down and not talking. When he found out about our finances and I had several days where I was upset about something and didn't talk much, he decided to leave. He was all ready seeing the OW starting in December.
PM, your best bet is to find out who the OM is and start defending your family from this assault. Affairs thrive on secrecy, as evil always does, so exposure is ruinous. Everyone should know about the affair and who it is with: your children, the church, his parents, the OW's parents.
Exposure is like bringing in a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins the fantasy of the high. It is the same with adultery. When others are looking on in horror and disgust, it ruins the fantasy of the affair.
Your husband is lost, PM, he needs you to help him out of his own personal hell.
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.Ephesians 5:11
Well, when you have the time, there is an excellent book here - "The One" or "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". You never want to put your spouse's needs first and not ask for anything. It is hard to understand - I used to be just like you, thought I was being a good wife. Read the book when you can.
You need to find out who the OW is and no matter what you have done in the past he is using it to rationalize what he is doing now. It is an excuse and nothing else. He is responsible not you.
First thing you need to do is take care of you. That is the one thing I learned from here first and listen to all the advice you get here especially from those who have been here a long time. You don't have to follow it but at least listen to them.
Taking care of myself is the hardest things. Last Saturday I had hit an all time low and truly considered whether everyone would be better off without me. Fortunately, that was the time that he sent me a text asking if I was home from work. I had actually been sitting in the parking lot of a park deciding what to do, hoping something would come along and I'd be gone, running away, sitting in the cold until I was gone. I was supposed to be going to church and programming music, but there were people there and I couldn't bring myself to going in. My husband offered to come meet me at the church with the kids and go in with me for support. It couldn't have come at a better moment because I truly might have done something. It felt so good for that text to come.
I'm not a big horoscope person, but I read a horoscope for me about last week and it said not to share important information about home things because it might cause isolation at home. It said Sunday would be my lucky day and that is when my in-laws came down to talk and support me. Maybe this is God's way of showing me that things will be all right. Just wish his time was my time!
I don't believe in horoscopes, and don't think the Lord uses them to help people. That being said, your hubby is NOT your friend right now. Please get over that thought ASAP.
Read everything that you can on Plan A, Prayerful. Plan A is not just to show your WH what a wonderful wife he is walking away from, it is for you. It is about being the best you that you can be, start an exercise plan, try a new nail polish, highlight your hair, indulge in a hobby, try new recipes. You sound like you could use a self confidence boost. Come here for that.
Don't hesitate to see your doctor for antidepressants. Talk to your minister, pray and find someone IRL that you can talk to when you get down. Don't be alone. Your kids need you. Things will be alright...with or without your WH.
HI prayerfulmom, Your thread caught my eye as it has my user name in it... Just wanted to drop in and offer prayer over your marriage. From what I have read you have more to work with than a lot have before you..and they restored their marriages.
I think you know Believer is right... horoscopes aren't God's messages...
But.. I think God brought you here for a reason.. there are a LOT of good people here that have been were you are... they can help... listen to them and trust them... they are warriors against this...some may even be angels among us LOL....
Lord... I am in agreement with this prayer... please hear her cry and rescue this marriage In Christ's holy and mighty name.. I pray, "Dear Lord, please help my husband find his way back home with our family. Lead his heart in the ways that he was raised, believed, and shared with me and his children. He has taken a bad path. I have made mistakes. Please help us to heal our relationship and our family. Protect our children while they struggle with our problems. It is not their fault. Let them know and feel that. Lord in your mercy, hear my prayers."
I'll check back in with you to see your progress..
I have talked with my pastor a couple of times. I take the kids to church, but struggle going to sunday school and other things like that because I don't want to explain where he is. Right now I have a hard time doing anything extra because I am student teaching, working evenings and weekends, and then with my kids when I am not doing those things. You could say I need a confidence boost! Trying hard to see some positives in myself but struggling. I don't really have friends, never have, and now my best friend of over 16 years has caused me great pain by leaving. The A is bad, but the leaving was the worst. I just read the Plan A stuff and am going to keep studying that a lot.
As far as medication, it is hard for me to admit to needing anything and I feel like a failure if I seek something like medicine to get me through. If I have another REALLY bad day like Saturday, maybe I will seek out my doctor's help.
I know that they say not to view him as my friend because of what he did to me, but I struggle seeing how pushing him away when he tries to help me would help bring him back?
I need all the help, thoughts, and prayers I can get. Trying to get through finishing my teaching license and working and kids seems like an insurmountable task!
Thanks for thinking of my family and it is good to hear that I have more to work with than others have and they saved their M.
Prayerful, it is not being a failure to seek medical help when you are going through such trauma. The episode you had on Saturday is a dangerous one and you don't want to repeat it. Antidepressants can take several weeks to kick in. I took them for six months . It got me through the worst of it. It also made me feel so much better to talk to my doctor. It surprised me how many cases of infidelity caused depression that he had treated. You have too much responsibility in your life right now besides this devastating betrayal.
At my first counseling session, I told our counselor that WH was my best friend and he replied, "Not right now he isn't. Best friends do not betray you." That was honestly the first time that I realized that WH really, really was not DH and I could not treat him the same. Don't push him away but do not rely on him to save you or bring you up. As hard as the reality is, YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!!! You must learn to rely on yourself.
I have been in your shoes. My H left me for the OW who was 21yrs younger than him and we had ben married for over 20yrs. I never saw it coming. I was destroyed. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. I went through h--l. But as the days passed and the weeks passed I got better and I went to a counselor who is great. Collect all your friends around you, they will support you and help you. Ask around about a counselor and get one NOW! Take care of you! Get your hair done, your nails done, buy a new outfit and get a massage.
Pray to God to make you stronger. Pray to him for what you want and believe it. Pray that WH has great difficulties that makes it hard for him to continue on in his affair. But mainly pray for yourself. Prayer was a great help to me.
As time goes on you will have days whereyou will cry and days where you feel great and feel like you could take on the world. Just give time, time. It is hard and I know that you do not deserve what happened to you. Come here and write your little heart out, we will be here and we will listen. Even start a journal and write in there and scream your thoughts out in there too. I did, it was very therapeutic and I could put down all my thoughts there and be very ugly there.
Sorry, just had to scream and the kids are up so can't really do it. I am trying to show him a wife and woman that he wants to be home with, but it is hard as HELL!!!!!! He came over today and got the kids on and off the bus and stayed at the house until I got home. The second I walk in the door her puts his shoes on and leaves. He says he needs to go back and eat dinner. How do I show him who I am trying to be if he won't stay around me but a couple of seconds each time. I tried calling him during the day just to say hi and talk for a few seconds. He did, but seemed disinterested in anything that I had to say. I screwed up last night when I said something stupid. Actually, what I meant to say wasn't stupid, just how I worded it was stupid.
I contacted his parents tonight expressing my frustration with not being able to get him to talk to me at all. I asked my WH about the OW trying to find out who she is, but he doesn't say anything about her to me. What do I do and how do I stop living in this madness. Quite honestly, I hope his father and/or his sister contact him tonight and reek havoc on him over the situation. I want to work on this, but I can't if he isn't willing. I am trying to do the plan A stuff and have thought of a couple of people that we know to maybe contact and share with them the situation, but I am struggling to do that because I don't want to make him mad and send him further away. (Not that he could be much further away!)
I am working on trying to be the woman he would want to come home to and am reading the Love Dare book and trying to follow it along with looking at the plan A stuff and trying it. Frustrating!!!!! Need to yell, but can't!!!!!!! LOST, LOST, LOST, LOST, LOST!!!!! OK, must go get the kids around for bed and school tomorrow.
Keep trying to work on plan A for as long as you can take it then go into a dark plan B. I did a plan A for a month then 2 weeks after my H left me I went into a form of plan B. Then I found MB. After a while I had to go into a dark plan B. That got my H's attention more than anything else did. Everyone here supported me and helped me a whole lot. MB was a lifesaver for me. It helped to research everything I could on affairs. It made me feel better.
Prayerful, no matter what you say to your WH, you did not screw up, he did. Please remember that. Don't defend your actions or your words. He is the one who needs to fix himself not you. You can show him what life can be like if he returns and is the only thing you can do for now. Take care of yourself and improve yourself but don't make yourself over for him because thn you will someone else and not you.
There are a lot of things about myself that I do need to change. I was an unhappy person and didn't really like myself. I had many times that I had considered hurting myself. Most of the time it was related to my mother and I fighting and her telling me about how overweight I was and how if I really wanted to lose weight I would. Well, it turned out to be medical and until I got on medication, I was unable to lose weight. I had lost 40 lbs before all this and have lost probably about another 15 lbs in the last month. Eating is such a hard thing and when I do eat, I tend to throw everything up.
I am changing for me and my children as well as him. I yelled a lot and was always angry. Part of it was secrets I was holding in, part of it was low self esteem, and part of it is my job. I work with children and adults with special needs and would get agitated with some of their behaviors and would come home and take out frustrations on my children instead of yelling or exercising them out.
Last night I made a snotty comment of "It sounds like you aren't interested in what I am saying" instead of saying "It sounds like you are busy". I have a tendency to say things in an ugly way instead of saying the same thing in a non-bitchy way! That is one thing I don't like about me and I sure he doesn't like either.
I am VERY glad that I have found this site. It is a great place to vent and get ideas.
You need to find out who the OW is, and not by asking hubby. You need to spy. Check his phone records. Usually the OW is someone at work or someone seen daily. He may have mentioned her in passing.
I constantly check the cell phone records and that is all I have access to. There are no phone numbers on there that I don't know. He has lots of texts and our plan does not allow me to see who the texts are from because we don't have the right type of phone. He works at a fire station and the women that are there are not interested in him (if you know what I mean) and I know them. He told me he met her online and I am pretty sure that that is true. Since he is not living here, I can't check his computer.
I talked with his family tonight. His parents talked with his sister tonight and told her what is going on. She wanted to make sure that I knew her contact information and wants me to call her. She went through something similar, I guess. I didn't know that. He has to go up there next Saturday and I know his family is going to confront him. I have talked to them more in the last week than in the 16 years that we have been married. His mom actually told me that she loved ME! Which she has never done before. Wow!! Amazing how in a crisis you learn things about people. Never knew my MIL, FIL, and SIL would actually be there for me. Always thought that they didn't like me and that they would be happy if I was gone.
Prayerful, I really think you need to go to IC to help you. It has helped me. I even have an appointment to see my counselor tomorrow. She is fantastic. She has helped me a lot. A good counselor can really help you. Right now you need to concentrate on you. I know it is hard to do with everything that is racing through your mind but you need to. It would probably help to be on some kind of antidepressant too.
Thanks. I will try to investigate this possibility. My IL's told me I need to start trying to seek some MC on my own. I don't know. It's hard not to look at this in a negative way. I know it's not, but that is how I feel. One week until he has to face his family at their place. Have to trust that God has a plan and that I need to believe and have faith.
It's always hard not to see the positive when WH does something nice. Tonight was the first time that he did not run out of the house as soon as I got home. He actually stood in the kitchen with me and talked for about 10 minutes. Should I see that as a positive sign?
I have been working the fireproof Love Dare series for the last few days and today I was supposed to ask him for three things that made him uncomfortable or irritable with me. I wrote it in a note since he has not been talking with me much lately and told him it was on the counter. He responded with only one thing that irritated him or made him uncomfortable. He stated that he was bothered by how I let my mom control my life in the past and still do. It is correct that she has played a major role in who I am, my life, and trying to constantly control every aspect of my life. I can't deny it. I was considering asking him how he thought she was controlling my life now and what I need to do to show him that it is not true. I have been standing up to her lately but he can't/doesn't see it. If that is the big thing that is causing us to not work on the marriage, I will do it because not only will it make him happy, but I know it will make ME happy. Should I do it? Should I take the things that happened tonight as a sign? Should I call him tonight when he is at "her" place or on his way to work/at work tomorrow? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!!!!
Yes and no... one of the real secrets to keeping your sanity through this process is to NOT REACT... either way... good signs or bad signs.... Here's why.. your WH is very unstable emotionally right now... YOU CANNOT join him on his roller-coaster ride (as we like to call it) and recover your marriage... One of you has to remain sane.
So... is this a good sign... of course... BUT... Don't react to it...don't "Hang your hat" on it...because this is a LONG journey it took a LONG time to get you guys to this place... and it will take a fair amount of time to get you back to where you were when you got married (actually many have said after what they learned here... there marriage was BETTER than before) Stick to the plan....don't deviate.
Here's a very good strategy most use...
EXPECT THE BEST.... PREPARE FOR THE WORST As good as today feels... I'm here to tell you he could do or say something horrible tomorrow... The classic line is (if you haven't heard it already... expect to)
"I love you... but... I'm not IN live with you" It's a smoke screen... as hard as it is to believe...it means NOTHING...They almost ALL say it...
So... the good means nothing... and the bad means nothing... PERMANENT... The best you can expect is two steps forward and one step back...BUT... this is progress.
Your WH is lost... leave little pieces of bread along the path to help him find his way home....DON'T PUSH DON'T PLEAD.... DON'T USE GUILT... I think it's excellent you are finding out what HIS needs are...that's the key... FILL THE NEEDS YOU ALREADY DO... and then... FILL THE NEEDS OW does.. and he most likely will want to come home... It takes time... in the beginning he won't trust the changes you are making and won't want to give up his "sure thing" But... in time.. he will find you irresistible again....
DON'T WORRY...TRUST GOD... AND BELIEVE.... WITH HIM YOU CAN DO THIS...YOU CAN DO THIS... YOU CAN DO THIS....YOU CAN!!
GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank
P.S.About calling him at OWs... LOL... I used to LOVE calling (when I had a reason) and hoping OM would answer... then I'd say... "Put MY WIFE on the phone" It really made him mad and he started pushing her to make a decision... Something... I WASN'T doing... LOL... he blew up pretty good..LOL
Have the courage to take the long rocky road ahead of you. As you work on you, there is smoother pavement ahead down the road of life.
I do strongly recommend therapy. Try your local MHMR. You are depressed. I am no MD, so all I can do is recommend that you seek antidepressants if an MC thinks you need them.
Started checking into counseling for myself/marriage (if he would agree to come to help me or our marriage) after talking for over and hour with my SIL (which is a shock if you knew our relationship in the past). SIL told me about her situation with her and her husband, which I/we knew nothing about and the fact that they were able to fix/save their marriage. I encouraged her to tell WH about her experience because right now the only people that he is talking with did not fix/save their marriage. I think it would be good from him to hear it from her and her H about the fact that they could/did fix/save their marriage. Don't know?
The phrase that I have used about myself is that I am an optimistic realist. I see possibility, but know that things may not work out.
The only number I have for my WH is his cell phone. I text him and call him on it and he will always call back or answer. I am starting to think that something may be going on because when he left the texts and the picture mail decreased to nothing and just recently I noticed that the texts have significantly increased and so has the picture mail. This started to increase when I started working on changing me through the Love Dare and Plan A. Here's hoping, trusting in God, and praying.
Our pastor asked me if I thought it would help or hurt for him to call and check on my WH. I told him that I didn't know if it would help or hurt, but if he did it out of support and not attack, that maybe it would help. He did call and leave a message, but WH was in a meeting so couldn't answer. WH told me about the message and didn't seem upset about it. Said he didn't call him back because didn't have time in his schedule. I told the Pastor that if he didn't hear back from him in a few days, he might call WH again since he did tell me about the phone call. Don't know??
I have heard the phrase kindof that you mentioned, but it was more like "I will always have love for you because you are the mother of my children." Each time he or I use me/my type of wording I correct both of us and say, no they are our children or it is our house. I am trying to make sure that the language does not separate us any more than it all ready has.
He actually stayed and talked with ME last night for about 10 minutes instead of running out the door the second I got home. After talking with SIL last night for over an hour (shock), found out that her and her husband had a similar situation. I encouraged her to talk with him about it since everyone that he is talking to now did not try and did not succeed in fixing their marriage. I, as much as he, needs to hear from people that were able to fix their marriage instead of man-haters or marriage-haters or negative people.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Will enjoy the positive signs but keep the negative possibilities in mind as well.
I do have the courage to take this long rocky road ahead of me and that's why I am fighting so hard for the marriage that I believe in. I am seeking the possibility of therapy, made contact with a place this morning about it. I know I am depressed, but hate admitting it and taking meds for it. I fought taking meds for my weight problem which also included a pre-diabetic condition, but have done that successfully. Lost 40 lbs before this and (even though have not weighed myself recently) probably lost about another 15 lbs since. All my clothes are falling off! (Want to celebrate, but don't like how it came to be) Looking for the smoother pavement, but can't quite see the light yet.
On a positive, I have a better relationship with his family than I have ever had before!! They are on the side of our marriage and our children!! He has to face them next Saturday!!
You really need to fight this from OW's side. You need to expose this as an affair to her friends and family. Let everyone in her world know that she is a homewrecker.
Does he use the computer at your home when he's there for the kids? Put a keylogger on it.
Put a GPS on his vehicle so you can track him to OW's...
It's really amazing how when you start to lose faith, God comes through and slaps you in the face!! I was just about to call me WH tonight while he was at the station. I had completely started to lose it and was crying unstoppable and was ready to call and say that I needed him to come home and be with me. That I was at a place where I was not able to care for myself and our kids. I was going to admit that I had contacted a counselor and was going to start counseling on my own, but I needed him here for support because I was struggling soooo much.
As I was crying, a phone call came in to the house. It was from an application that he had put in for an extra job and he had put our number on the application. The lady said that she doesn't normally work on the weekends (and this was 7:30pm on a Saturday evening) but she was needing to get interviews scheduled and get things established by Friday. The fact that he put our number on the application and she called tonight kept me from making that call to him. In my mind, this was God's way of saying to stay the course, to continue to have faith and believe, and that the phone call would have been a huge mistake in repairing our marriage.
Wake up call from God!!! Got to take it seriously. I also was at church and found a prayer book sitting around that had been dug out when people were cleaning things up. I grabbed it to copy the prayers that I needed to keep in mind. I am going to post them on my mirror so that every morning when I get up I can find the one that I feel is most appropriate for the day and say it as many times as I need. I am going to share a couple of them with his family to also pray. Here is the one that I feel I need to say tonight:
Dear Father in heaven, I come before Your throne of grace in behalf of my WH, who is absent from the family circle. I know You are present everywhere; I know that You also are present where he is now living. But I would pray You today, to let WH feel Your sustaining presence while in strange surroundings. Protect him when harm and danger threaten body and soul; be close to him in every temptation. Let Your Word be a lamp to his feet and ligth to his path. Increase his faith and trust in You and in Jesus Christ, our blessed Savior, in whom we have forgiveness of sins.
Though we are far from one another in the body, keep us close to one another in spirit and united by a common faith in You.
At the appointed time grant us a happy reunion with WH in our family circle, and may every member of our family have a place in the company of the saints in glory everlasting. Hear my prayer for Jesus' sake. Amen.
Hard to have faith, but he obviously wants me to be patient and he is working in my WH. I did make contact with a counselor today. He gave me some contacts in case of an emergency but also said that I can contact him if I need anything this weekend. He gave me information about contacting my insurance and his costs if I can't use insurance. I wish he took insurance because I really liked the way he talked with me, but he said that he had some great referrals if I can use insurance. I need to get something, because I have finally decided that after tonight, I probably need to get on some medication. My mental health is seriously at risk and so I don't do something stupid while trying to work on the marriage because of these horrible depression times, it would not be a bad thing.
Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement, and advice.
I am going through a similar situation with many more months ahead of you. Trust me. Listen to the people on this site. Read the articles on the website, read the books and do what they say.
Expose the affair to every friend, family member, everyone. Don't worry about the backlash from husband. He will get over it.
My personal suggestion, ask your dr. for a very mild prescription for anxiety. Tell him what you are going through. I did this and it has helped me control my emotions, anger and resentment which are love busters that push husband farther away.
The boards are a little slow on the weekends so don't worry... They aren't forgetting you...people will be back on Monday...
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All my clothes are falling off! (Want to celebrate, but don't like how it came to be)
LOL... don't we know.. it's amazing...we call it the "Infidelity Diet" I lost FORTY POUNDS in 3 months and I weighed under 200 LBS when it all started... strange phenomenon.. a chemical thing is my guess.
I think it was good that you heard the wake-up call from God...It wouldn't help at all to beg, plead, or add to his guilt (yes,,, somewhere in there there is guilt) Talking to an IC is a good idea too...but make sure he understands your commitment to saving your marriage before you hire him.
I wouldn't have the pastor wait.. have him stay on this... time is an enemy.. the longer he's away.. the harder it will be for him to come home... He will figure that he's come this far...you know... Lexxxy is right.. you need to find out who the OW is and expose it to her people (her husband maybe??) An affair loses a LOT of steam once it hits the light of day....
BTW... unless I missed it.. How long have you been married? How many and how old are your children? You should figure out the "signature" thing on here so whenever people read your posts you won't have to answer the same questions over and over.... Something like this: Me BS 39 WH 42 DS 15 DS 12 DD 7 D-day 2/2/2010 WH left home 2/3/2010 living with OW...
Thank you for your words of encouragement. Knowing there are others out there, some with positive results, some with negative results, and others where I am at, has been great comfort. It is definitely easier to talk to people you don't know and going through something similar about things because it eases the embarrassment. Personally trying to seek counseling and/or medication as I am finally feeling that I am to the point I need it. Still have to get over the thoughts that relying on those things is a crutch or failure, but working on that. Thanks. I will keep your situation in my prayers and thoughts also
Expose the affair to every friend, family member, everyone. Don't worry about the backlash from husband. He will get over it.
Yes.. this is true.. MOST are afraid to make the WS mad.. but someone said (I think it was Melody Lane) "Your marriage will survive your WS being mad.. it WILL NOT survive an affair if it doesn't stop" Something like that...
He will be mad... he might scream an yell like a little boy who's candy been taken away.. in the end.. he will thank you for saving him from the enemies grip....
Here is a question...I can understand how exposing the A will kill it, but how does it make WS want to come back? If they are embarrassed and everyone knows about it, what makes them consider coming back? His family all knows. Our kids are too little (in my opinion) and will only be seriously hurt by something like that. I don't want to tell my family because it gives them ammunition to use against me later when they are wanting to put me down and tell me what a horrible person I am and that I don't meet their expectations. We don't have too many friends and I would be humiliated to tell neighbors and he would be completely embarrassed and I can't imagine wanting to come back around if they knew (which also leads to the kids finding out from their "friends" because I know their parents and the kids are pretty snotty without ammunition.) If I could find out who OW is, I would love to let her ex know that she is a horrible person breaking up a family like he did to his own and to let her kids know that their mother is trying to break up someone elses family, but have yet to figure out who OW is. (Her kids are in college)
Here is a question...I can understand how exposing the A will kill it, but how does it make WS want to come back?
It's not what will make him want to come back... the changes he sees in you will do that. The needs you now fill will do that. But.. it WILL start the END of the affair... the sneeking around is part of the attraction.
I wouldn't tell your children if they are too young...Or neighbors...can't see what that will do if you aren't even friends...Your family... I don't know... that's a new one that they will use it against you.. I'll have to give that some thought. I have a question.. how do you know her kids are in college if you don't know who she is?
Anyway, why would a WS come back while engaged in an affair?
Go to the top of the page and read basic concepts. You need that information to produce a viable plan and to answer a lot of your questions. The answer to your question is in that material.
Not that I am dodging your question. Just that in reviewing your posts, it was obvious that you either haven't read basic concepts or didn't understand them at the time. I think you would now.
I know they are in college because WH told me. He told me that she had an affair once in her marriage and her H took her back. He told me that OW's H had an affair and was giving his OW $2000 a month to support her. She waited to leave until the last child was in college.
You're going to need to fight this battle on several fronts.
One is you, personally. Put your trust in God - He is fighting this battle for you, and He never sleeps. Put away thoughts of harming yourself. Whether you succeed or fail, it will only make a terrible situation exponentially worse.
Over the coming several weeks, take an honest inventory of yourself, both the things that are good about you and the things you need to change. Begin working on your weaknesses for your own sake, and for the possibility of a happy marriage in the future.
Stay close to your church family. If this means you need to tell most or all of them what's happening so you don't feel embarrassed and stay away, do it. God has given them the job of supporting you, and they can't do that if they don't know how much you need them.
Two is the interactions between you and your WH. You need to make a plan and stick with it. We can help. Refuse to show him needy or clinging behavior. Be a tower of strength to him. Show him your best self. At first especially, don't show him your pain. Later there may be a time to calmly tell him how much he's hurting you, but for right now you need to establish the existence of a new and improved you.
Three is ripping the lid off this A. There is always a way to find the OW. Start with the easy ways, like zabasearch.com or Intelius, and work from there. We can help you with snooping tips, too.
Keep reading here, and vent any time. We know what you're going through, and are glad to walk you through this, day by day and hour by hour. Read some of our stories (mine is linked below), and feast on hope. You're going to make it through this, and you're going to be fine.
God keeps smacking me in the face the last 24 hours when I start to get a little desperate and defeated. I have been taking inventory in myself, but really struggle at finding the good in me. Found lots of things that I need and want to change I don't have plans to do anything to myself, sometimes wish something would happen but I won't do anything to myself.
To me it would be more embarrassing for people at church to find out and I would be even more inclined to stay away than to go. I went this morning and took the kids, but it is hard when the sermon seems to be directly written for me and my family. It has been that way the last two weeks, but maybe that is because God is leading the Pastor in that way. Last night I desperately wanted to call my WH and tell him what a wreck I was and that the kids and I needed him home, when a phone call, for my husband who had put our telephone number down for a contact and not his cell, came in as I was picking up the phone. It made me stop what I was doing and rethink. My daughter wrote in her journal during church this morning:
My dad moved away. I have to live with my mom, hamstery ( her hamster), buddy (my son's hamster), me and brother. I want my dad to come back. I miss daddy so much!
*fixed her spelling errors, she's only 7*
Then after church my son went straight to his room and started crying saying that his sister hated him because of the things she was doing to him. I had a pretty direct talk with them about us needing to be there for each other and support each other right now. I told them that they need to tell their dad exactly what they want and think about the things that are going on because he needs to hear that they want him home and they can tell them that mommy wants him home too!!! Maybe playing the guilt card, but I think he needs to experience some of what I go through every day and know what his children are thinking!!
I am trying to be strong, polite, as cheerful as possible, and not needy or clingy to him, but it is damn near impossible. I will look into the A stuff and continue to try and find out who OW is to start destroying things.
I am glad to be able to vent here because Sunday's and Saturday afternoons are the worst time. I haven't talked with my mom in two days because she upset me and our relationship was a huge part of my problem. Hopefully, if I get connected to a counselor (and maybe on meds if it is absolutely necessary) we can work on my relationship with her as well as me and my marriage. Thanks for listening and I hope God keeps smacking me in the face when I go to do something stupid. I also hope he works in my WH's heart and leads him back home to his family. My faith wavers, but I keep reading the little Prayer Book that I found at church last night.
I don't always feel like I am going to make it through this!! I have hope, try to have faith, but am an emotional wreck.
Working on the real life help. Checking on the insurance thing tomorrow or to see if I can go to the counselor I talked to and have to pay a sliding scale fee (which is difficult right now).
Amazing...Watching Desperate Housewives and they were talking about "the carrot and the stick". Really??? I'm hoping God keeps throwing these little things at me and also throws angels and other faithful things at WH. Each time I hear and see things, it makes me believe that God is on my side and helping me in the way He sees best. I am really hoping it is for reconciliation in our marriage and with our family. Thanks God!!
God wants you to expose the OW husband, her family, everyone. Cant you see that??? Are you just going to sit and do nothing .....like a victim..... here???
I struggle with one thing...my son knows where the apartment is that they live at and I know where it is, but not the exact one. He is too young and I don't want to put him in the middle of all this because I don't think it is fair to my son. I have thought about driving around the apartment complex to see if I can find his vehicle. What do you think? It still kind of puts my son in the middle. Maybe I should follow him after he gets off work, but that means I have to be over there around 6:30am and my kids would be at home by themselves (my son is old enough to watch my daughter, but don't want him in the middle of all this.)
Do it tomorrow. Bring your son and have him point it out to you. The SON ALREADY KNOWS WHERE SHE IS!!!! You are not hiding anything from the son. By the way why does he know where the OW lives? How did he happen to know?
Once you know where she lives you can start finding out who she is, where she works, etc.
My son doesn't know there is an OW. He has just been told that my WH is staying with a friend and was told that there is nothing out that indicates that there is anything else other than a friend. All personal items of OW were supposedly put away and she was out of town. My son does not (and even more reliable my daughter who is younger) indicate that he thinks anything else is going on other than WH being at a friends house. They do not know about the A.
He gets off work at 7:00am, so I would be following him from work back to OW house not from OW house to work.
My WH took the kids over to the apartment to watch a movie. OW was out of town at a wedding. My kids would have told me if they knew anything more than WH staying at a place with someone other than a friend. We have been talking about everything.
Should I share my daughter's diary entry with WH when he comes over in the morning to get her on the bus?
Put a keylogger on your home computer. He is coming by for the kids enough that he is probably using it from time to time. Better to be safe than sorry.....He will EVENTUALLY use this computer and you will capture the important passwords that you need....TRUST ME ON THIS....I had the Gaslighting King. He kept me in the dark for 4 1/2 months (believer can attest to this.....). While this was not now I eventually busted him, it was how I got all the details to A which was helpful because he was STILL trying to gaslight me, even though I caught them walking into his condo TOGETHER!!!!....
Also, I would get a GPS on his car.
Also, you should KNOW where he lives and where your kids are at. There is NO reasonable reason for him to keep this from you. You need to ask him for the information and tell him why its important (the kiddies....).
and last but not least, if what you write about your mom is the truth, you need to put this woman out of your life. She may have given birth to you, but it does not give her the right to treat you this way. You are letting her do so, and must own that. You cannot change her but you CAN change the way YOU re-act to this relationship. I have been on a "Love-Must-Be-Tough" plan with my own mother the last couple of years, and while I do miss and love her, being out of HER mess and drama has been very freeing for me. I do not regret this decision of mine.
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"....Elenor Roosevelt
Remember this line.....
I am sorry for why you are here. It is a hard road, but if taken with grace, dignity, and some determination, you WILL come through it a stronger person......
I have put my mom as far out of MY life as possible, but my parents are highly involved with our kids and takes care of them when we are not available which is very limited. I haven't talked with her in the last 48 hours, by my choice after she tried to start a stupid argument about my son forgetting his lunch box at school. I just said to her that I am not with him everyday and he has to learn some responsibility for these things. If he looks stupid carrying a plastic bag for his lunch, then that is his problem. It's not that important. She then stopped calling when I told her that. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
I will look into the keylogger (whatever that is). He did use the computer once that I know of. I can also try to get the GPS activated on his cell (one of the couple bills that I actually pay). I will talk to him about knowing where/how to get ahold of him for the kids (address, etc.) Thanks for the tips.
I wouldn't involve your son. If he were a teen, I think it would be fine to have him point out an apartment, but since there are other ways of getting the info, I think you should leave the little guys out of it. Have a family member watch the kids when you spy.
Think of one or 2 Plan A things you can do today. Write a fun and flirty text, call up with a funny story or joke. Either leave a message, or if you talk directly to him, excuse yourself right away before he's ready to hang up.
I called and left him a message today just letting him know that I was thinking of him. Asking him if he needed anything for me to pick up on my way home. I also told him how I was liking visiting the other schools and seeing "good" programs unlike what I thought of the one that I was at. Told him that I was excited about starting middle school placement in March.
I also sent him a text message today. He stated that he hadn't seen me smile in a long time, so I sent him a message that said "A smile for ur heart and to make ur day. I love you!"
Sunday, our pastor during a prayer and at another point in the service made a comment about "people" coming in and sitting, sometimes talking, sometimes not, always praying and that this has never happened before. Pastor stated that he has switched his schedule to try and be there for them. Then in the prayer, Pastor made a prayer when anyone can pray out loud or to themselves about guiding people through difficult times and through tough decisions that were having to be made. When I looked up, I felt as if it was a prayer directed at our family and seemed like a reassuring prayer, not a beware type of prayer. I feel different and our interactions seem different. Wish he was talking with me. I left two prayers that I had typed up on the sink in our bathroom. He was at the house today doing our laundry. They were prayers of help through marital problems and for the one who is not in our family circle now. Maybe he read them and sees my faith and will return. He knows how the kids are really struggling. Instead of telling my daughter he was sorry he had to leave, he told her that he had to run some errands tonight and then to work. First time he hadn't told her to stop asking him to not leave.
Working plan A and trying to find out about OW along with keeping my sanity (hard to do, contacting insurance about benefits for therapy and meds).
When I got home, we talked for a few minutes before he left (kills me inside each time he leaves). He gave me two hugs (which I initiated, but not turned away). I touched his face and he made eye contact with me both times, which he hasn't done in awhile. The second time, it almost seemed as if he wanted to lean in and give me a kiss because he dropped his head towards me a little, but then pulled back. His response each time I tell him "I love you" is "I know". Frustrating!!!!
I gave him a card and magnet today which said "Have Faith". I had a 6 page letter and two poems that I wrote for him today, but just got this feeling that today was not the day to give it to him. I feel different today. I can't explain it, but his looks and touch feel a little different. Maybe God is speaking to him and he is finding a way to forgive me for my problems and is seeing that I can forgive him and will work through our marital problems.
He doesn't usually hang up on me when he's done. He'll talk until I am done. He talks to the kids, but my daughter won't talk with him on the phone right now. Don't know whether to tell him that she said she didn't want to talk to him on the phone because it made her too sad because he left or not? Any thoughts?
I am so sorry for your continued pain. You need to read as many threads on the forums as you can. Many are doing excellant Plan As. You need to stop telling him that you love him. He does not want to hear that and seeing as he is living with OW, it makes you appear needy and clingy. Work on yourself. You are the only one that you can change. Let him see those changes.
You can do this but you need to be very familiar with the plan and then execute it to the best of your ability. You need to do this with no expectations other than to make positive changes in yourself.
If your daughter said that she does not want to talk to WH and that is the reason, tell him that. And the poems and the six page letter...hang on to them. Your H is awayward he does not have the time or the interest to read six pages of your feelings or loving poems. Save them until there is a time that he recommits to the M.
That's the feeling that I was getting. It did help me to write things out. I was about the changes that I wanted to make for myself and the changes that I needed from him. I will hang on to them.
When my daughter refuses to talk, probably tomorrow night since he is at the station, I will tell him what she told me. I thought he should know and I showed him her diary entry from church on Sunday. I didn't write it, didn't influence it, and thought he should see it. Ironically, I had told him in the past that the door to my heart and the door to our house was open and waiting for him to come back into them. His choice. This was when he first left. She drew pictures of 4 doors on her diary entry about her dad.
Interesting thing...my WH always keeps his phone on vibrate, NEVER ringtone and always has. I was looking at the cell phone bill online and there was a $10 charge for a ringtone on HIS phone number. I texted him to ask if he had downloaded a ringtone since this is a bill that I pay, told him I was checking minutes which is normal because we are limited on minutes and I like to make sure we don't go over. Always have done this, so does not seem like I am checking up on him.
He stated that he did not download the ringtone, doesn't use them, and it was password protected. Hmmm. He would NOT spend money on something like this because he doesn't ever put the phone on anything other than vibrate. In the last 8 years that he has had that phone, never has. Who could have done it???
No, I didn't. I will do that tonight when I talk to him. I didn't want to do that in front of the kids when I got home tonight and didn't want to possibly break down while at my student teaching. I am going to do it.
I am trying. I am going to re-read plan A to make sure that I am trying to do what I should. Thanks for keeping me focused and helping me try to get through this horrible thing and maybe restore my marriage.
Good job with the phone call and text. Very good job also holding back on the long letter.
I agree with holding off on the ILY's. Give it a break for a while, then once in a while - not all the time - toss out a quick, drive-by ILY. Like on the phone, "Love ya babe, bye!" Click. No chance for him to respond. And in the meantime show your love with your actions.
Tomorrow, shoot for one more phone call and one more text. Make the text naughty, just a little, and the phone call full of laughs.
It sounds as if conversation may be a very important need for him, and if so he's letting you meet it. So go right ahead and meet it, being fun and flirty, and then say good-bye, leaving him wanting more.
In another day or three, move up to 2 phone calls a day, and don't be quite as quick to go. About the same time, add in another text. Whether he admits it or reacts or not, he will love to hear that you think he's hot, and are attracted to him. It's a gradual process, and you can't hit him with everything all at once.
I would recommend putting the request for the address in a short little email. "Hi WH, how's work today? It's been a madhouse here, lol, just getting ready to go soak in the tub for a while. Whew! Hey, I keep meaning to ask you for your address, just in case of emergency. Could you send it in the next couple days? Thanks. Well, I gotta run, my bubbles are calling me. ~ Prayerfulmom "
I will try hard to back off the ILY's even though it will hurt not to say it. I am trying with the phone calls and texts because you are right that the communication is one of the things he used as an excuse for looking outside the marriage, not that he was completely wrong about the lack of communication on my part, but no excuse for the A.
I will try the text, phone call again tomorrow, but it is hard and way outside my comfort zone to make a naughty text. Not sure exactly what to do/say for that. Will have to think about what might be appropriate and not too far for right now. The phone calls I am trying to think about important things to talk about, say, and try to laugh about. I try to share both good things about my day as long as the not so good, but not the emotional, like when the teacher I was working with was driving me crazy being almost bi-polar about how well or poorly she thought I was doing.
It's good for me to talk longer and more when he is at the station for the 24 hours since he seems a little more open to the conversations. I sometimes get weird impressions that things might not be normal with OW and him, but can't put my finger on it. We have our son's orientation to sixth grade on Wednesday evening and he is coming with us. I told him we could meet there or if he wanted we could ride together since he usually gets the kids off the bus and I am coming home from work. Unfortunately/fortunately he has a job interview in the early afternoon and wont be able to get the kids off the bus. He asked if my mom could get them and feed them before the orientation for him.
Phone call and text tomorrow! Will let you know how it goes.
OK...so here's a question. Just thinking out my plans of things that I want to do for plan A for WH. Saturday, he is picking up my daughter to go and get my son from his parent's house since he will be up there for a concert on Friday night. FIL, MIL, and SIL are for the M and here to support all of us. Do I send him a text while he is up there? He will be talking with his family about what is going on. He has told them and I spent a day talking with them and every other night MIL or SIL call me (I think they are truly worried that I will do something and care about us).
Is asking WH to fix something around the house a good idea or not? The drain in our bathroom is not draining well and it needs taken apart and probably cleaned out.
It is a terrific idea. While he is "working" on your drain, just happen to have the wonderful aroma of his favorite meal wafting through the house. When he's done ask him to eat dinner with you and the kids. Look good, smell good, smile and use the occasion to show sincere appreciation and admiration for the job he did.
ITA! And whether or not he stays or eats anything is irrelevant, so if he runs off don't let yourself get bogged down in the hurt. Either way, he knew it was there and it made an impact, so it doesn't matter how he reacts.
I continue to do the text thing for WH and tried to make it somewhat flirtatious, but it is such a killer when there is no response back. WH will call tonight from the station and talk to all of us. He used to call on the house phone, but now has started calling on my cell phone again. I wish he would just pick up the phone during the day and give me a call just because, but I know this won't happen until A is over/ending. Trying hard to show him love, sincerity, and giving him the desire to want to return.
I did have a situation this morning where I was headed to observe at a school near his work but got lost on my way. The school, of course, was not on my GPS, so I had to call WH for directions. I told him the directions that I had looked up and wasn't sure where I went wrong. He helped give me directions to that school and then confirmed the directions with me for the school I was visiting in the afternoon.
I didn't rush to get off the phone even when I was going to be a little late getting there. We talked for a couple minutes and he told me to call if I had any problems getting to the school in the afternoon. I thanked him for giving me directions and helping me out. Told him that I appreciated it and knew he would be able to help me out if he was available. I successfully ended the conversation without saying ILY, but just expressing my thankfulness for all his help. Good???
Just thought I would ask for any suggestions. Tomorrow evening WH is joining our children and I for my son's orientation walk through for Junior high. Any plan A suggestions??? I will be getting home possibly after he gets to the house so I need to have everything I need with me when I leave for student teaching and working after.
Had a nice conversation w/ WH tonight on the phone. When he asked if daughter wanted to talk, she said no. He asked why (for the first time) and I told him what she had told me that it is just too sad for her to talk to him on the phone because daddy left her. WH not sure how to respond. After a few uncomfortable seconds, I picked up the conversation again because I didn't want it to end on a negative. Told him about my eval from my university supervisor on my student teaching (2 back to back days with no time to practice or truly implement corrections/suggestions) and told him that they went well, better than expected. Thought I would give him a positive.
We talked about how busy they have been at the station and what all they had going on. I thanked him for the help that he gave me today with the directions getting to the schools and just general chit chat about all things that I have going on (did not break down or say ILY to him). I ended the conversation after a little while because it was starting to sound like we were both forcing a little to come up with things to talk about, but instead of saying something snotty like I have done recently, I said that it sounded like he had some things he was wanting to do so I would let him go so he could get them done. He said he was going to try and get to bed early so he had to go make his bed up and get a couple things done. I politely told him to have a good evening and I would see him in the morning. No ILY tonight which I think caught him a little off guard.
Any suggestions for tomorrow night for plan A since we have a school event for our son would be appreciated because I have to leave the house prepared since he may get back home first. Thanks for the support. I have officially checked insurance for IC and received referrals. Checking tonight to see if in network or not so I can continue to look if necessary.
How bout suggesting take out and picking it up on the way home for a little family celebration. Touch his hand or arm occasionally, smile alot but hold back on the ILYs indefinately.Keep him guessing.
Thanks for the suggestions. It makes me feel like even before finding this site I did something good when we went to our son's first band concert a couple weeks after he left. I dressed up, sat close to him, and kept my hand on his arm or leg throughout the concert. At that time, I couldn't get him to make eye contact with me, but the other day he did make eye contact. I will continue to try to make eye contact and touch him as much as possible. I will smile a lot keep waiting for the ILY's for a little while.
After our daughter refused to talk to him on the phone and I was able to tell him why, he sounded a little defeated and sad. I was not happy about this, but I am hoping that if this makes him feel a little guilty, maybe he would at least move back into the house for the kids and that would give me a better chance to keep implementing plan A and be more effective than when we only have a few minutes each day to do it. Is it OK for me to be a little happy that he felt possibly guilty, defeated, and sad???
Funny you say that about a snowplow, because my husband plows snow for some of the other fire fighters at the station on his days off when he is needed. Wouldn't it be funny for him to be the one to accidentally run her over!!!! Sorry couldn't help but finally laugh for once!
I haven't truly laughed or smiled in a month and a half. After a couple minutes of laughing about the snowplow comment, I have a horrible migraine. I think all night I will think of that comment/response and get a good little chuckle out of each time. Maybe need to stock up on the Tylenol cause my body is reacting negatively to smiles and laughter.
Just like it would be hard not to feel a little bit happy if OW got run over by a snowplow. smile
Thanks Say... that got me too...
Prayerful...Just stopped by to tell you you are doing GREAT!! You're a quick learner... I KNOW this is hard...but:
YOU CAN DO THIS...
About tomorrow... lots of good things have already been said... as a man I totally agree with the touching...and the photos... (then send or give him copies)
I would add if you have a "Pet Name" for him use it.. Like... HON... or Sugar.. or whatever you might call him under "Normal" circumstances.. I know you're withholding ILYs right now but a Love Ya Hon couldn't hurt... in other words.. you probably didn't stare into his eyes before he left and probably didn't tell him you loved him every conversation you had... but you might have said something like Love Ya...looking to trigger normalcy in that wayward brain
and complement him... I never knew a man that didn't like to be admired...Tell him how glad you are he came and what a good father he is because he came.
Well... I'll be praying for you guys... GOoD LUck.. Frank
OK! Well I looked good tonight for him in a shirt I hadn't been able to wear for a while and a longer tight fitting skirt. Tried to touch his arm, back, and hand periodically throughout the night (which he did try to pull away from me trying to hold it, but let me touch it). Made eye contact with him. Talked, laughed, and tried to genuinely be pleasant to be around.
Now I am at home ready to fall apart because he headed back to OW's house. He did dress up for this evening when he would normally wear jeans and a polo shirt, but he had also come from an interview several hours earlier. He picked the kids up instead of just meeting us at the school since I was coming home from work late.
I asked him what was wrong because he looked tired or something. His comment was, "just another day in paradise", but it was not a sincere comment.
Today I sent him a text, first asking if he was busy, then telling him I was just hoping he had a great day (and added sweetheart to the end of it with a winking smiley), and for the first time, he responded back with "you too". It was actually a response, which he normally doesn't do no matter what I send unless it is a question.
Well, kids are in bed and am starting to have one of those nights where I want to call him up and say, "Get your BUTT back home NOW!!!!!!!!!" Gonna go take my shower, cry my eyes out, and then, don't know what to do after that.
Pray, read, post, whatever you need to do to keep busy.
If you haven't texted him much today, this might be the time for ~one~ flirty text. Maybe something like "thinking of u 2nite & got all hot ".
You don't have to get totally graphic to be a bit naughty. However, maybe once in a great while toss in something explicit and totally out of character for you. You can be more sexually aggressive (within reason of course) than you have been in the past, and still not betray who you are.
Sexual drives of husbands and wives for each other is a beautiful gift from God, and not only is there nothing wrong with reveling in it, that is His ideal plan. And since SF is typically such an important need for men, showing him that you're willing and able to meet it is a very important part of Plan A.
It's possible to meet this need well enough even without actually having SF with a WS. The WS just needs to know that they are desirable and desired, and that the BS is ready, willing, and able to join with them and meet that need with enthusiasm and to the benefit of both. Don't be shy in using words to tell WH of your desires, just don't overwhelm him with a flood, either.
This has two effects: one is, as mentioned above, becoming more open in reaching out to him sexually. The other reason is that every naughty or flirty thing you say will be one more secret between him and OW, and some of them will stick in his head and pop up at inconvenient moments. *evil laughter*
When you go into Plan B, he will miss your texts and little notes in spite of himself.
Well, just talked with MIL on the phone for about 20 minutes crying my eyes and heart out to her. Amazing how supportive she is being with really having had no relation prior to all of this. He has to face them and talk with them on Saturday. Should be interesting. Told her that DD is refusing to talk with WH on the phone and when he finally asked why she wouldn't talk, I told him that she said it made her too sad. MIL and I are hoping that the guilt will at least make him want to come home for the kids sake and then I can really work plan A.
Used a nickname in a text that I sent from a show we used to love to watch, "Are You Being Served?" There was a show called "Sexy Knickers" and we joked about that for a long time. I included that in one of my texts. I used to have a client that I worked with who couldn't say my name and would always call me "Wannie" instead of my name. I figured, since he used to call me that as an inside joke, I might end a text to him with using that name. He would usually call me that and then poke me in the side or tickle me (and I am very ticklish, but touch my feet and your own life is in your hands because I CANNOT stand my feet to be touched).
OK, the phone call with MIL put me behind and have yet to get my shower. WH has to come over early in the morning to get the kids ready because I have to be at a school observation early, so I need to be as close to being done as possible when he gets here. Going to try to get my shower and get to bed soon, but will probably be back on here before I go to sleep (not doing much still these days).
I am glad that you were able to open up a bit more in the texts.
You are showing some remarkable strength. I don't know if I would have been able to handle what you have.
I don't have much to put in in the way of advice to you that you haven't already been given. I will show you that I am lurking and I give you my support. Have you read my thread? It is long and some of it is silly. Maybe if you are ever really bored, you may find some things in there interesting and useful for your own situation.
I have read your thread and have taken a lot from it, both serious and fun. I hope things will work out for you the way you want. I don't think I have made it all the way through, but have read most of it. I am spending way too much time on here and not getting other stuff done that I really need to. Thanks for letting me know that you are reading my story and your support. I am wearing down quickly and finding it hard sometimes to keep things up. Hoping this Saturday with him and his family will smack him upside his head and clear some of his fog along with our daughter not wanting to talk to him except when he is actually here. Thanks for the praise for strength, hope I can keep it up!
My son told me last night, and then I asked him a couple more questions early this morning, that WH asked him if he was able to text on his phone. When I asked him this morning when he asked, he told me that he asked a couple days ago to see if he could text him before he went to bed each night. I am wondering if he is doing this because he misses him, concerned about my break downs (which I think my son maybe told him about and maybe told him about me going to find a counselor for my breakdowns) at night and on Saturday evenings and Sundays.
I know I am probably over analyzing things. My son was asking questions about me getting a counselor, if I had found one yet or not and if I was going, and I am also wondering if this is because WH is asking him about this. I am hoping that he is, no matter what his reason, because maybe it is a good sign. I am being honest with my son because maybe he is passing information to WH that will help. I don't think it could hurt just yet.
Chances are quite good that your WH will want to come home. Chances are pretty slim that a single incident, like a family get-together, will bring about his aha moment. I want you to have hope, and I want it to be realistic. A quick end to all this would be a happy surprise - still it's much more likely to drag out a while.
You're so tired and stressed that I don't think you have a very long Plan A in you, however if you take good care of yourself, make a plan, and stick to it, you can probably hang on long enough to do a very good one.
Although the decision to go into Plan B has to be based on the BS's mental state and well-being, it's ideal if, on the WS's end it's ideal if they're firmly planted on the fence.
At first, while the A still looks sparkly and new, they're firmly set towards the OW. As it wears on and the waffling sets in, they also lean toward the BS at times, too. (And typically get a lot more unpleasant to be around.)
When a WS is ripe to have Plan B sprung on them, they are gorging themselves on BS cake but not willing to give up the OW cake, either.
The point being, that if you're able to push on a bit longer, I'd like to see your WH re-attach a bit more before you go into B. That said, you are the most important factor to consider. If it comes down to it, it's far better to go into Plan B a bit early than to hold on too long, lovebust all over the place, and ruin the hard work you've already put in.
Great job so far in taking advantage of the contact opportunities you've had.
There are times that I am not sure about whether I can keep a plan A up or not, but I have made the choice to keep sticking it out with the support of this board and my IL's. Saturday will be a big day for him as he has to go face his family. As far as he knows, only his dad is aware of the situation, but I have been talking with my MIL and SIL regularly.
Talked for a little tonight and was able to sit down next to him. The kids were playing a video game and he was watching. I sat down on the floor because there was no more room on the futon and placed my hand next to his while he was petting my parents' dog that I am watching for a few days. I then put my hand on his leg for a few minutes. He seems quite tired and maybe a little frustrated. Our daughter did her normal cry and beg daddy not to go. He said remember what we talked about. I asked her, after WH was gone,about what WH says and she says he says that he doesn't want to leave either. She said she couldn't remember the rest (and since she is only 7 and very emotional, I believe that she probably doesn't).
Finally set up first IC session for Saturday (if insurance goes through). Couldn't even leave the initial message without crying and then when I talked with her, of course, broke down too. I think the one question that I'm tired of hearing is "Are you going to do anything to yourself?" I openly admit that at one point I had considered it, but I'm not at that point now. We'll see how it goes. This is the same day that WH and kids will be at IL's house for the day. Don't know.
I am up for continuing plan A with the support that I have started and hopefully IC will assist with focused mental state. This week is probably also hard because I am transitioning schools for student teaching and kind of feel a little extra stress with that. Nice thing is that I observed at that school today. Loved the teacher I will be with, love the aides that work with her, actually will have a class to teach instead of 1:1 or 1:2 small groups. The struggle with this placement will be that it is middle school kids (need to brush up on 7th and 8th grade math and language arts) and they are not always the easiest age, most of them are boys, and many have emotional/behavior problems along with their special education placements. Really am looking forward to this challenge as I think I can see myself doing that on a regular basis. The nice thing is that the teacher I am working with has not been all that long out of having to do some of the stuff I am doing and is willing to help, where the other one said do whatever you think. Lot's of help!
I have not found that one out yet, but my son sent his school fundraising form with WH tonight and supposedly he was going to see if OW (not that son knows that) if she wanted to order anything. Hopefully, OW puts her name on it.
Nothing is stopping me other than the fact that I am having a hard time with getting the timing. I need to do it on a Sunday morning because of having to get to student teaching which I can't call in sick on and then getting someone to watch the kids. My parents are out of town for the week and WH has a day off. WH works 24 hours on and 48 off which limits the number of days that I can get over there and follow him. It is a timing thing with not being able to do it any day during the week. If it was just work, I would call in sick even though I work a "no work, no pay" type of job. He picked an inconvenient time to do this.
I really need to stop analyzing everything WH does! He initiated a hug before he left (still one armed), but he did initiate things. Later in the evening, my DD told me that daddy had a surprise for her on Saturday. I know they are going to WH parents' house to pick up DS. I have felt a little sick ever since she told me that. I don't know whether it is just a little surprise for her or if he is planning something. I have been shaking ever since then. Is it a good surprise? Is it a bad surprise? Is it just for DD? Is it for DS too? Is it for all of us? What the h-e-double hockey sticks could he be planning? Do I ask him about it?
Bubbles, please pad your 2x4's, or better yet don't give them. Yes, PM needs to get more info on the OW, and the sooner the better. However, your approach insisting what you would have done in this situation, when you say you've never been in this situation, is a DJ to say the least. Then pile it on someone who was feeling suicidal only a few days ago, and it gets to be a bit much.
PM is already doing much better, just not being suicidal. She's in the beginning steps of Plan A, and may even need some gentle urging if this drags on too long. For where she is, she's doing very well.
I thought you had said you would no longer post to raw/wounded people here. What happened?
PM, stop obsessing about the gift. You have no control over whether it's good or bad, and you're using up valuable physical and mental resources fretting over it.
Without asking about the gift, I do think it's all right to calmly and respectfully let WH know that you expect him to not take the children around his adultery partner. Call her by that, too. "Adultery partner."
He'll be mad for a day or two, but will get over it. (Till the next time.) He may disregard your request, and without a court order there's nothing you can do, but don't let that stop you from laying out your expectations. It's important that he hears them, whether or not he follows them.
So go for a walk, do 100 situps (LOL), or whatever it takes to get your mind off this for a bit. Then fill your thoughts with God's goodness, and work on your plan. What are one or two things you can do today to further your Plan A?
Keep busy, and keep your focus on target. The other stuff is just a diversion from what's truly important.
And in answer to your question about the hug, it's good that he initiated it.
Don't have any expectations, just watch for a trend. As he begins to re-attach somewhat to you, I would expect to see him gradually increase his initiations, and also will accept more from you.
All that means is he's eating more and more of your cake, which is a good thing.
You can expect him to be angrier during this time, too, and more prone to lash out at you for little or no reason. This, believe it or not, is just as good as initiating hugs. As he tries to juggle his returning feelings for you with his feelings for OW, the conflict tears him up and can cause extremes of behavior.
It all just means he's getting splinters in his butt from sitting on the fence.
PM, just read your whole thread for the 1st time. Girl, I can so relate to you because I went through very similiar things (emotions, reactions). One thing I see you doing (that I did) that will set you back on your progress is to attempt to "guilt" WH into anything. Try and remember that the man before you is not your DH right now. It's a replacement and the WH won't "hear" you.
You are making GREAT progress on your Plan A stuff though and you should keep that up with NO EXPECTATIONS. You can't see what's going on on the other side of the fence (that you WANT your WH to sit for now, until you rock his world with a stellar Plan B.) God may be dealing with him in ways that you know nothing about. You'd be surprised. In fact, pray specifically for God to put people (angels) in your husband's path that will "speak" to him in love and power. My DH would be sitting in a bar drinking and people would stop by and tell him out of the blue that God wasn't finished with him yet. Amazing.
As for OW, you most definitely need to find out all you can about her ASAP. This is KEY! Don't worry about embarrassing your WH with exposure-- you don't care if WH is embarrassed (and you shouldn't be either!) Your DH (if he was around) would WANT you to fight for his family.
As for the text thingie, here's a good one that may leave him scratching his head wondering who you meant: "I just heard that the aliens have landed and are abducting all the beautiful sexy people. I'm gonna miss you!" He won't know if you're talking about him or you! LOL
PM - hang in there. We will help you through this all the way. Just listen, learn and implement. The things we are telling you are PROVEN.
I guess as far as the surprise my WH has for my DD scared me because I am afraid that during the time that he is with her and my DS that he might take them. In my head, I know that he wouldn't do that to me, but I never thought he would walk out on me either. I am praying for WH, myself, and our family and for angels to step in his way throughout each day. I try not to use guilt as much as possible, but know that I will sometimes slip. I have tried keeping a notebook with me to express all my thoughts and feelings on instead of trying to tell him. Most of the time it works, but I will still feel nervous and shaky all the time.
I had a horrible day with student teaching today. It was the last time I have to ever deal with the worst teacher to ever have a student teacher again. Maybe that is one less stress that I have to deal with because after meeting the next teacher that I am working with, I get a great feeling about working with her.
When I got home, WH was here waiting for our DD. He was here when DS got home from school to get him ready to send to MIL and FIL's house for the concert tonight. He knew I would be home but would be leaving again to go out with a friend and WH was going to be watching DD (at our home) while I was gone. We talked for a little bit and he actually used a lot of "we" talk about things like our DS's birthday coming up next month. He asked what "we" were going to do for it and gave some suggestions. He seemed quite tired and a little defeated today for the first time. When they went out to dinner, I reached my hand out to him and he took it and gave it a squeeze. Something he would do for me when he knew I was frustrated our upset.
I do know for sure that they only went to McDonald's and came back with a movie to our house that they rented because I went to meet my friend at a restaurant nearby and saw his truck. He talked for several minutes before he left and we got a hug and he grabbed my hand. When I walked in, he gave me what I call "his smile" that he always gives me. The hand squeeze and the smile felt great. I know they don't mean a whole lot right now, but at least it is something. Also, "someone" (assuming OW) texted him when he was here. I caught a glimpse of part of the phone number (plan to search phone bills for similar number tonight) and the fact that he texted back "busy, sorry" and that was all. Several more texts came in within a short period of time and he didn't answer any more but maybe one. Didn't want to be completely obvious I was watching.
First IC session tomorrow afternoon. Still struggling with doing this, but know it is necessary for me to function.
Probably one of the hardest things to do is to help prepare the music and stuff for service on Sunday at church. It's even harder this week because the Pastor called me and asked me to help put the powerpoint together because the gal that normally does it has been at the hospital with her son with severe (second degree) burns on his arms. I all ready know how hard Sunday service will be since I know the entire thing including the sermon.
Better focus and get things done otherwise I have to do them tomorrow and each day closer to Sunday makes it harder. I all ready have to go to church after IC appointment tomorrow to program the music. Don't need to have to finish PowerPoint tomorrow at church also.
I actually did do something for myself and I think he noticed. I never paint my nails because when I play guitar with my music therapy clients it all chips off, but for some reason decided to do that last night. When I reached out to him this morning before I left for my day from (well you know), I touched his arm and he looked at my hand. I really think he noticed that I had done that. Maybe he noticed me doing something a little "girly" that I don't normally do because it isn't practical. I also walked in the house the other day with a purchase I had made from Victoria Secret all wrapped up in the fancy gift bag type way that they do. I know he say that because my DD said "Who's the present for?" I told her that it was just something that mommy had purchased for herself. I have started making sure to put the lotion that he had made a comment about liking the smell awhile back along with the body spray. DD asked the other day what smelled so good and when I told her asked if she could have some on. Now DD smells like mommy (with the same scent that he stated he liked) every day when WH comes home. She asked to where some, not me trying to do it. WH smells it on her any time he is around her.
Today will be an incredibly hard day for me. WH is taking DD up to his parents' house to pick DS up after the concert last night. It will be all day that they are gone and I will be completely alone. Positive things: 1. he has to face his family since this whole thing started (in person and more know about this than he realizes) 2. his family is on the side of our M and family 3. going to IC today (I hope this ends up being a good thing. Very nervous about it- feelings of failure, loss of control, etc.)
Negatives: 1. both kids with WH all day 2. could confrontation with family make things worse 3. many fears of things he might do (keep kids, be gone late, etc.) 4. all the unknown 5. have to go to church to prepare PP and music (hate doing this if others are around)
Have to get ready for working for most of the day and counseling session. Keep feeling nervous, sick to my stomach, numb, crying all the time.
Anything I should do throughout the day. Do I send him a text while he is up there with his family? I plan to ask him to call when they are on their way home so that I have an idea of their arrival time. Good thing is, they were supposed to go up to his family several weeks before and I had yet to reach out to his family, but due to snow, they stayed home and it was put off til this weekend. His parents came down to see me on Valentine's Day and discuss everything. I owned up to all my faults that I knew of in the marriage (including the amount of debt that was accumulated-not just spending, but for the kids and household along with a little just spending). I told them how much I wanted to heal our marriage no matter what had been done on either side. I am praying that maybe they will help him get through all this and maybe he is needing them to help him get away from OW (maybe she is mental and he doesn't know how to leave without completely setting her off. Maybe he needs FIL to give him strength to come back. I know MIL and FIL have had some marriage issues themselves, but FIL said he married MIL for better or for worse and they worked things out). PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!!!!!! HOpefully no on will be at the church when I go so I can sit in the sanctuary and pray and feel some peace.
Oh well, best get ready for the day and get DD ready to go with WH to IL's. Dress her cute and make her smell like me!!!
Let her smell like you, and then love alllllll over her daddy!!!
I think you should not text him while he's with his family. Let it all soak in without interruption, except for OW.
"Sorry, busy" rofl!!! Oh yeah, he was busy.
Be at peace. Whatever happens today, and every day, is for the good. It doesn't matter if his reactions are positive or negative - they're each a step in the process of getting through this A and out the other side.
Once ingested, adultery is a slow-acting poison that has to work its way through the system before healing can begin. Almost never will Ipecac work (old-fashioned remedy to induce vomiting). In almost every case you just have to go through the whole thing. Whether the patient smiles and sleeps peacefully, or thrashes and hollers, the process just goes on.
Take courage; you're doing fine, and you WILL get through this.
Always nice to hear something positive. Saw IC yesterday and I think it went well. With everything that I was telling her, and probably have not necessarily shared on here, she was surprised as to how well I was holding up.
FIL emailed me this morning about meeting with WH yesterday. Some positive, but said WH was concerned about trusting that I would confide in him when I was upset or struggling along with me and financial matters. I told FIL I was willing to do what I needed to do to prove to WH about confiding in him and openly talking with him about everything and that was one reason for IC.
This was a huge problem in our relationship, lack of communication on both our parts, but definitely me because I would shut down and not yell or express myself.
I now know that and am in IC to help me with this. Part of my problem I think sometimes to is that I am a music therapist for individuals with disabilities and am constantly discussing and listening to problems of the individual and families and I don't always want to discuss and talk about my own and my families problems.
Oh God! I need lots of help! My 11 year old DS told me tonight that he wished he was dead!!! Obviously I need to get him some help but am not sure where to start. I have my own IC session on Wednesday evening. Do I call her and ask to bring him with me? What do I tell WH? IL's? Who else. Really desperate for help!! I told him that it would kill me if he ever did anything to hurt himself and asked him to talk to me, his dad, his grandparents, whoever, just NEVER do anything without talking to someone.
Is there a kids help phone number in your area(that's what it is called here, I am sure you can google your area to see). They are usually a 24/7 type thing and they know how to talk to kids.
So sorry to hear that. I would be very afraid. But DS is talking to you about his feelings, and that is good. Will he discuss why he wishes he was dead?
I think you need to talk to his dad and let him know what is going on with DS. Don't expect any help from dad though.
Then you need to get DS counseling immediately. Take him with you, or find some counseling for kids in your city. Don't put it off.
Lord, please put a hedge of protection around this family. I beg you to take DS in your arms and let him know you are near. Please come along side of prayerfulmomof2 and lend her your strength.
Satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. Know that this family is being prayed for unceasingly.
I was able to talk with WH tonight. I left him an initial message that said I HAD to talk with him TONIGHT no matter what time and sent him a text to listen to the voicemail and then call me. I got a call about 45 minutes later (he is at the station and was on a run when I called). We talked that obviously DS needed counseling and I stated that I think we ALL needed counseling and he seemed possibly open to this idea. He was going to talk to his Captain about info from the department options and I stated that I was able to talk to my counselor that I talked to on Saturday since she is a licensed marriage and family counselor. He was going to make phone calls tomorrow, because he felt strongly that action needed to be taken for our DS immediately.
Even though I know I supposed to show strength and happiness right now in plan A, I was falling apart while talking with him on the phone. I said I really was scared about this situation and really wished that he was here to hold me for strength. He stated that obviously that couldn't happen right now, but told me that I really needed to take care of myself and told me that I needed to try to get some sleep. He wished me a good night's sleep. As much as I hate for my DS to suffer right now, maybe this is the kick in the pants my WH needed in order to change his thinking and clear his fog.
Talked with MIL tonight when she called to talk to me. I shared with her about DS and we talked for quite awhile. We both are praying all the time for the guidance and protection of our family to guide us back together. I made sure that DS knew that he could call me, WH, MIL, FIL, and SIL any time that he needed and gave him the phone numbers. I told MIL to let FIL and SIL know DS phone number and that he might call if he needed anything when he couldn't get a hold of one of us!!
Oh, please give me the strength to support DS (11) and DD (7) through this process. Along with myself the strength to continue this fight and journey to reunite and heal our family.
"Where two or more are gathered in My Name, I am in the midst of them....."
Yes.. and bring it back a verse sister
Matthew 18:19 "Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
Oh, please give me the strength to support DS (11) and DD (7) through this process. Along with myself the strength to continue this fight and journey to reunite and heal our family.
I am also in agreement with this Lord... thank you Lord for hearing us...In Jesus' mighty name...
Prayerful... Don't worry... you did it because of your son...that will not work against you...He knows it's hard on you.. and at least you didn't "fall apart" for selfish reasons...Just... Back on track...you're doing great!
I'm not sure what your WH meant by "obviously that couldn't happen right now" but I'd say that either way... I can't because I'm at the station... or I can't RIGHT NOW... are good signs...
That and the possibility of counseling for you guys is a very good sign. That along with the joining together to "save" your DS
Your WH doesn't seem to have the "mean streak" a lot of them do... this might not take as long as some to "turn around" That was encouragement... don't run too far with it... STAY FOCUSED...this is a long process...everyday seems like a week...I know... but YOU CAN DO THIS!!
Cry here.... scream here... fall apart here rant here (just warn us of a rant coming so we don't rush you into Plan B for your protection) We are faceless so don't be ashamed....we will be here as long as you need us.. and ALL of us have been where you are....and if you haven't noticed... we are all still alive.... YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS ...with God's help... give him what you can't deal with...
Oh God! I need lots of help! My 11 year old DS told me tonight that he wished he was dead!!! Obviously I need to get him some help but am not sure where to start. I have my own IC session on Wednesday evening. Do I call her and ask to bring him with me? What do I tell WH? IL's? Who else. Really desperate for help!! I told him that it would kill me if he ever did anything to hurt himself and asked him to talk to me, his dad, his grandparents, whoever, just NEVER do anything without talking to someone.
What you are looking for is a licensed child play therapist. yea I know the name of the profession is a bit of a put off.
My best friend in life from way back in high school just retired from being exactly that, a child play therapist. MHMR around the various states are well aware of what those people do and how effective they can be with kids.
He taught me how to deal with ADHD kids. In fact, he is a big deal on an ADHD forum as a retirement project. But it is way more than ADHD. A Play Therapist most always includes BOTH mom and dad and the job is not only to diagnose the child and teach the child, they also teach the parents (the ones willing to learn) how to help the child deal with whatever is going on.
Most of the time, a Play Therapist operates through referrals from MHMR or a Doctor or a Therapist who is treating mom and dad for something or the other. Most of them take insurance and are registered with insurance companies, who work with them as part of insurance coverage.
I have no idea where you live, so I cannot recommend how to go about finding such a person in your area. I dunno about any except my buddy, but he told me he has blunt language to use for a parent(s) who are causing harm to their kids.
I know about Play Therapists and how most people don't always accept them as "real" or whatever but they are very helpful. I get the same type of response as I am a music therapist and people always thinks that it means I give piano lessons or something like that, which is not true. I was able to get information from an young girl with autism that normal talking would never get from her. I get more responses from the kids I work with than other therapists can get purely from the fact that the music allows my clients to express themselves in ways that other types of therapy the kids and adults resist. Other therapist love to co-treat with me. Will look into this today for him.
No, throughout this whole process, WH has not been mean, nasty, spiteful, or any of the typical ways that I have read about other WS's being. He repeatedly apologizes for things and talks, listens (at least after a few days he started to listen to what I had to say), and tries to be extremely helpful around the house (even though he isn't staying here. Everything is so confusing with him because he is acting one way and every once in a while says things like he doesn't want to or can't come home. I get a strong feeling that he is more ashamed of himself and angry with himself than not wanting to come home, be with the family, and work on the marriage. Maybe this will help to speed that process up since we are going to be there together for our DS. I can pray and hope!
Good for you. Yea, it is the name, doesn't sound serious enough, but MHMR and the professionals are all over the Play Therapists because it works. I had never heard of Music Therapists. That is very interesting and I will look it up to see what you do.
Bad night tonight. WH and I were discussing what was going on with DS and DD and getting them into counseling. We unfortunately got into a bad conversation. No yelling or getting upset, but did discuss things that WH didn't really want to discuss. I asked if he would consider going to counseling too. His first reaction was "why? Nothings going to change." This led to more discussion, but I DID NOT GET UPSET YELL, ETC. I did talk and communicate like he always claims I won't do and he gets upset when I share with him how much I know about him. He hates to admit it (and won't) but he knows I am right and that really irritates him.
He told me that he couldn't believe I hadn't told my mom yet about what was going on (almost as if to call my bluff about telling her and to try to irritate me) and so tonight, I called my mom and told her what was going on. I told her that I needed her to NOT be MAD at WH right now because that is the last thing he needs right now because that is what he wants from everyone. She agreed and the only thing she had a problem with was him coming over to pick the kids up tomorrow night from her house (probably because the news and everything was so fresh) and said that they would bring the kids home to meet WH when he gets to the house while I am at counseling. I know that she will not come and right now, she does not want to tell my dad what is going on. I agree. She was sorry that I didn't feel I could come to her sooner, but it explained a lot about how I was acting. Texted WH and told him that I told her about it.
WH was a little upset that I had been talking with his parents and sister about things behind his back. I reminded WH that he told me to go ahead and contact them. He new what they would think. (Once again, trying to call my bluff and didn't work like he thought.) Starting to expose little by little as much as I can and feel comfortable with. He is not getting to tell the story in his way and that feels a little good. I texted him later and asked if he would consider counseling (again not face to face) and he texted back that he will try. He gets frustrated and angry face to face but on the phone and texting he is able to not get the anger. He also is making much more eye contact. Back to plan A full force and not go back to the relationship stuff!!! Oops, I slipped, hate that I slipped, and will work to not slip again.
Hi, I am staying off here and just praying for you but I wonder if you could please explain this furthur so that others may help you:
" he gets upset when I share with him how much I know about him. He hates to admit it (and won't) but he knows I am right and that really irritates him."
My WH is a pretty open book when it comes to his feelings. He is more bark than bite about most things and, like I used to be, pretty predictable. WH tries to hide his feelings, but acts a specific way when he is mad or upset at himself or mad and upset at others. He doesn't like to admit that I know what those signals and signs are. My job is working with people with disabilities and many are non-verbal so I have had a lot of practice at reading body cues and non-verbal cues. Being with him for 16 years, he acts the same way and has the same cues when he is upset.
I have had my suspicions about the A for quite a while, but did not have any proof and didn't want to admit it. He acted differently than he usually did and I could feel him being different and a different sensation coming from him. While several times I straight out asked him questions about things, he would be upset because he knew that I knew, maybe not specifically what was going on, but that something was going on. It irritates WH that I am able to read these cues as well as I do, not perfect, but 18 years working with non-verbal individuals with disabilities gives you lots of practice of knowing what is going on. About 90% of the time, I can predict when specific clients are going to have behaviors or when a client is not feeling well. Two days before one of my clients went into the hospital, I told his mother that something was wrong and he seemed to be hurting. Others had spent the entire day with him and not noticed anything (which they saw what I was seeing and said they had seen him acting that way but didn't think there was anything wrong). Three weeks later, this 20 year client, passed away from pneumonia and being in cardiac failure.
I thank you for your prayers and appreciate when you have been trying to push me. My WH is seeing me act differently and trying to call my bluff by telling me to contact certain people or do certain things that he doesn't think I will do and I turn around and actually follow through on them. I had told him that I wanted to contact his family and a couple of his co-workers. He told me to go a head he knew what they would say. The fact that I followed through and actually contacted his parents and co-workers made him made. He actually asked me how I could go "behind his back" and contact his parents. I responded that I told him that I wanted to and he gave me his permission. He was more mad that I gave them my side of the story because he didn't think in a million years that I would contact them. (and talk with his sister).
Tonight, he "dared" me to tell my mother in a way by asking why I hadn't told her. After I sent him a few texts, I called her and told her what was going on (the whole story-from my side) and then sent him a text that I had done it, but my mom does not want to tell my dad at this point. I have not heard from yet again tonight and that is because, once again, I exposed him and he didn't believe I would do it. I am acting completely opposite of how I have been both showing him my positive, affectionate side along with standing up for myself and actually doing the things he "dares" me to that he never believes that I would ever do.
WH does take ownership, somewhat, in DS's problems. In face to face interactions when our relationship comes up, he seems real angry and upset refusing to own/admit to things, but then later when we text or talk on the phone, he does admit/take ownership. It is like he can not truly face me and admit things right now. At home in person, he will give excuses why not to go to counseling, but later will tell me that he will try to do counseling with me. The anger is keeping him from letting go of OW. Hanging in there with plan A, but some days are harder than others.
Right now I am struggling with feeling guilty about unloading on my mom. I am so worried that her emotions are completely out of control and she is blaming herself for our problems. I told her that it was not the fact that we did fight and argue, but it was how I handled the aftermath. I told her she was NOT allowed to blame herself, she cannot be angry and upset at WH (this is what he is wanting from others and it never helps his situation, just allows him to have more excuses not to take ownership), and no matter what, we are going to have to figure out how to do what is best for our children. The guilt of what I made her feel is eating me up tonight and I know I released on her out of anger towards my WH telling me that I would not actually do it. I really hope I didn't mess things up.
So, WH sent me a text asking about a security question answer. I was confused by the question so I decided to call him. First time I called, he picked up and then hung up before answering. I tried to call him back after a few seconds and he didn't answer. Hmmm??????
when our relationship comes up, he seems real angry and upset refusing to own/admit to things,
OK... Time out... WHY is your relationship coming up? You are in Plan "A" right... NO Love Busters...wanting him to own/admit things? Disrespectful Judgment...
Prayerful... Plan "A" is about becoming a person he WANTS to be with... who wants to be with someone that's pointing a finger at the things THEY did wrong...
You need to focus on what YOU did wrong...not saying you deserve this in anyway...you just had a hand in creating the environment that allowed the affair to take hold. You both did then he made the wrong choice...
SHE FILLS NEEDS THAT YOU DIDN'T/DON'T.... you HAVE to get this.... So you need to focus on what needs you don't/didn't fill and .....FILL THEM....
The natural reaction will be attraction....to YOU...
Just so you know...YOU probably fill some of the more important needs... like NO OTHER WOMAN can be the mother of those beautiful children... NONE....
You have to do a GOOD PLAN "A"... you don't have the time to make mistakes... NO MORE RELATIONSHIP TALK WITH HIM....EVEN IF HE BRINGS IT UP... change the subject... touch his arm and laugh and say.."OH.... let's not talk about that right now...How was work?" make him laugh...BE SOMEONE HE WANTS TO BE AROUND...
Do you think the OW talks about negative stuff with him... not likely....they laugh...they have fun...
WORK ON YOU....then introduce him to the NEW IMPROVED YOU... He said that CC wouldn't make a difference...because he (like most of us) doesn't believe things can really change. PROVE HIM WRONG BY MAKING THE CHANGES YOU NEED TO MAKE... you can't make him... guilt him...beg him into coming home... be the person he fell in love with again and he'll fall in love again...
GUILT WON'T BRING HIM HOME...IT WILL DRIVE HIM AWAY And listen to this... if he doesn't see changes in you that fill him with the belief things could be different with you HE WILL NEVER COME HOME... This was a long time coming for him...it wasn't easy to walk away...he will want to be SURE it will be different before he comes back.
BE THE PERSON HE LIKES TO SPEND HIS TIME WITH...AND HE WILL.
Thank you for that and I know what I did was wrong. I will redirect relationship talk at all costs. The one thing that gets frustrating is that he, on many occasions, says that he would be working all the time and would never have any time to spend with me if he came back and have no money to ever spend. Then how does he have that for her??? Just venting here because I don't want to share everything like this with people close to me.
Back to a strong plan "A". He is supposed to start his new PT job today so I thought I would send him a text wishing him good luck at it and since it is not the kind of job he wants, wishing him good luck finding more of the job that he wants. I think it took him so long to find this job because he might be afraid that it is going to take time away from OW and it will not make her happy. He is coming to the house tonight to take care of the kids while I go to my counseling session. He said he would do this if I wanted him to so the kids would be home and ready for bed sooner. I figured that 1. it would keep him away from her longer tonight 2. it gives the kids a chance to see him today 3. lets me see him and work the plan A 4. we can discuss counseling for the kids.
{{{{{PM2}}}}} This is a hard, hard thing to have to go through. You've gotten some excellent advice on how to deal with this latest crisis. (And Bubbles, that was a nice post. Thank you.)
I have some concerns at seeing this thought process pop up again:
Quote
As much as I hate for my DS to suffer right now, maybe this is the kick in the pants my WH needed in order to change his thinking and clear his fog.
Even this is not likely to be THE kick. By hoping that each thing that happens is "it" - the one thing that finally breaks through to him, you're setting yourself up for disappointment again and again. That takes up valuable resources that you need to conserve in order to finish a strong Plan A and go to Plan B.
Believer has a very good simile of seeds in the garden. Every day, the things that you do, and the occurrences of his life, plant seeds that will eventually grow and show him the way home. (If he chooses to take it, and chances are good that he will.)
You aren't the first BS who has wanted to dig those seeds up every day, and twice on Sundays, and see how they're doing. Are they sprouting? Are they growing? What's going on under the ground? I can't see anything!
Let time and God work their natural process. Rest and wait. Your job in the meantime is to pull the weeds out of the garden plot, and keep it attractive and ready for the little plants to sprout.
I may have missed something - my eyes are still trying to focus - but a few more things spring to mind:
1. Please stop asking him to attend counseling with you, except for the specialized counseling you get for DS. It won't do any good at this point, and because he's so resistant and angry, ends up being a Lovebuster over something that just isn't important now.
2. Good job not getting angry or yelling during the R talk. Of course you shouldn't have gone there, but it would have been even worse if you'd gone there AND gotten angry besides. Don't even go down that road next time.
3. I'm not totally getting the picture with your exposure to your mom. Did you somehow blame her for the A? You aren't actually responsible for her feelings - she is. If she was intruding into your M, that's on her BUT NOT THE CAUSE OF THE A. And if she was intruding, it's because you were letting her. This isn't something that can be solved in one paragraph, and may benefit from further discussion. Part of Plan A will be establishing boundaries with your mom, and showing that you can keep them in place.
4. Why hasn't your dad been told? Is there some grave health issue going on, or just fear of his reaction? Without more info I couldn't give a concrete opinion whether he should be told, though 99 times out of a hundred I'd vote for exposure.
5. IMO, you're putting yourself through needless misery by exposing in dribbles. If you're up to doing it at all, get it all done in one fell swoop. Then you deal with his anger once and get it over with. Don't worry - the effects of exposure continue to work on the A even after his anger has passed.
Why not make a list today of everyone else you can think of who might have some impact on the A, or simply be able to offer you their moral support? All close family members on both sides, any good friends of yours or his, people at his work, people at church, and even the mailman if need be. Then in the next day or two, expose to them all at once.
DO NOT WAIT FOR HIS PERMISSION OR LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!
By telling one person here, and one person there, and a while later another person over yonder, and then justifying it by saying, "Well, you told me to," it comes across as weak. Plus then you catch his anger over and over, instead of one giant explosion and it's done. (That's the only Big Bang theory I believe in. )
Exposure also has more of an impact done quickly and not in dribbles. There are just so many reasons to get it all done at one time.
6. For the next couple of days, while still in crisis mode over DS, it's not the time to be flirty. What you can do is send a short, sweet email, reminiscing about when DS was born. Speak of your feelings about WH's presence there, and what a beautiful family you all made.
Then the next day think of something funny the kids did a few years ago and write him about that, retelling the story and giving him the opportunity to laugh with you.
Also maybe just a few very simple texts like
hi
or
thinking of u
Then just be patient. Every day that comes is one day closer to the finish line.
The one thing that gets frustrating is that he, on many occasions, says that he would be working all the time and would never have any time to spend with me if he came back and have no money to ever spend.
Don't get bogged down in this. If you started a thread on here asking people to post their wackiest wayward Why I Can't Come Home excuses, you'll hear much weirder than this.
You could beat him all to pieces with logic right now, but it would do absolutely no good. Instead, reverse babble. "Try it and see." (Said with a mischievous grin.) "I appreciate how hard you work for us - you're a great provider! Thanks!" Or just totally change the subject.
I know that thinking each thing will bring WH back and realistically I know that one event will not do it, but I express it here because I have to express it to someone to keep from expressing it to WH.
I do struggle with not looking at things that WH does as either good or bad and I am horrible at constantly analyzing each and every move. I have started just writing all my thoughts in a notebook because I have to write them somewhere or I would drive everyone crazy with everything I think and feel. I tend to fill at least 20 pages of writing 1 to 2 times a day. I haven't gone back yet to read it all, but know that some day I will.
I am struggling waiting for nature and God to take their course. I know it is not my schedule but theirs and it is driving me crazy in all sense of the word. I will only ask him to go to the counseling for our children and not with me. He told me the other day when we had a discussion that if I didn't think things were hard on him they were and he felt like driving his truck at high speed into a pole to end it all. I am a little better at speaking my mind and not yelling. I will avoid all R talk as best that I can.
As far as exposure to my mom, it was not that I blamed her for the A. I blame WH for the A but my actions did not do anything to prevent it either. I would shut down, not communicate, and be angry for extended periods of time when I would argue with her (or WH). My not communicating with him when I was upset about her was something that he claimed made him want to reach outside the M. I know it was a a conscious decision on his part to have the A, but the way I dealt with my emotions and feelings after fighting with my mom did not help our M. When I shared with her about my current M issues and the A, I set clear boundaries with her about what I wanted and expected from her. Several conversations later, I am still telling her what I want and need from her. She did agree to go see my counselor with me when I wanted to work on her's and my R. (Hope when the time comes she actually does.)
My dad hasn't been told because it is the middle of the work week for him and my mom just started working her overnight shifts at the hospital and we don't want him to be home at night by himself because we don't know how he will react. He also has a history of internalizing his feelings and I have had concerns for awhile about his mental health (dimensia type behaviors and his dad had a heart attack within a few years of the age my dad is now). My mom is going to tell him by the end of the weekend. She is still absorbing the situation too. She is where I was several weeks ago.
Last night when my mom dropped the kids off at our home with WH, she called him over for a few minutes to talk to him. She said he initially looked like a deer in the headlights but talked with her for quite awhile. She told him that he was as much one of her children as I was. That both WH and I had made mistakes but nothing that couldn't be undone. She wanted him to be happy and her hope would be that he would come home and be with his family. She told him that he had so much invested in the family and that he had called her mom for more than 16 years. She told him that no matter what, she would ALWAYS be his mom just like his mom will ALWAYS be my mom too. He told her that we had both hurt each other pretty bad (something I have never heard him say and I don't believe he said to his parents either). She stated that between my parents and his, the money issues could easily be worked out. The rest would be up to the two of us. She stated that she knew I wanted things to work out.
He stated that she didn't know the whole situation. She responded by saying that she knew he was seeing someone. She did not say that she knew he was living with her because she wanted to steer the conversation away from OW. She said that he looked a little shocked.
When I got home for IC last night, WH looked exhausted and almost defeated. He stated that he had not had a chance to switch the house payment to come out of his account and asked if I had the money to cover it until he was done working/being tied up with PT job, other work/event obligations (nothing with her until at least Monday evening). He stated that he could have his bank wire the money to our account if I needed it/couldn't cover it, but would immediately get the money in the account on Monday morning after he got off shift. He always puts more money in the account than the actual house payment. I told him that we were fine.
I sat down next to him (he on the couch with kids and I knelt down beside him on the floor) and put my hand on his leg and then rubbed his arm for a few minutes during our conversation. He didn't try to pull or jerk away. A few minutes after he left, he called me and asked me again if I had the money in the bank account to cover the payment. I repeated that I did and that all he had to do was to put the money in Monday because the car payment wouldn't be due til later and I would be fine. He finished the conversation by telling me goodnight. I'm not sure the mortgage payment was the real reason for his call. I think it was more the saying goodnight. He tends to be much more conversational on the phone and in texts than in person.
I have watched my texts since the whole issue with DS came up and made them more caring than flirty. I don't know how things are going for him and if the conversation with my mom was making him think. At the end of the conversation, she told WH to not make any rash decisions about the M and to make sure that what he is currently doing is what is really going to make him happy, not being a full-time dad and at home with the family he has invested over 16 years in. She said he will always be her son and she will always be his mom no matter what decision he makes. She wants him happy, but to really think before deciding and acting.
I'm not really getting bogged down with the idea of him spending time and money that he says he wouldn't have for me or the kids, just needing to express it somewhere other than to him. If you only knew how sore my cheek/tongue are from biting them to prevent myself from actually saying this to him. I have had so many "snotty" thoughts come in my head during conversations/texts/emails, etc. and have been REALLY GOOD at NOT saying them to him, just in my head!!!!! I'm going crazy not doing this, but I know they wouldn't help the current situation!!
Why is it that every time I turn on the radio in the car there is another song that reminds me about WH, my situation, etc. It doesn't help that I listen to country music. So far the songs that I listen to on the radio that drive me crazy this week: Love Can Build a Bridge- Judds Ordinary Life- (don't remember country artist) Breathe- Taylor Swift You Belong with Me- Taylor Swift Picture to Burn- Taylor Swift Love Story- Taylor Swift
In one of my music therapy session I have with a client, the songs I sing include: Little Bitty Walk the Line Grandpa The Greatest Man I Never Knew Leavin on a Jet Plane Country Roads Ring of Fire
Only now with my current situation do I hate my job due to the songs that I am stuck listening to and singing.
It is so hard not to give snotty comments when he talks about certain things. He was talking about making deals with someone he works with to help him in his lawn mowing this spring/summer. He has a big trailer with lawn mower, etc. in our garage. My internal b**** wanted to say, and where do you plan on keeping that stuff. He might have come back with saying that he would move it and rent space from the guy he is working with and I don't want that to happen because it might limit his time coming over here to see me/the kids.
I also wanted to tell him that our DD has four times (to my mom and me) said I Miss My Daddy!!! I Want My Daddy to Come Home!!! She, of course, did not say this to WH tonight. I want her to cry to him, tell him how much she misses him, and how much she wants him to come back home.
When those snotty comments come in to your head SAY "HELLO" TO YOU TAKER. Not a pleasant person to hang around with is she? She wants to get out SO BAD. Don't let her.
Are you in Plan A? If so, when do you plan on ending it and moving to Plan B? Only 15% of the time Plan A works to kill the affair and move on to R. That means you MOST likely will have to move to Plan B. Also, as far as being in Plan A, it is meant to be TEMPORARY.
Save up that little anecdote. You can use it in your PBL if no other opportunities present themselves.
Thanks for clarifying about your dad - he isn't being left out of the loop entirely, and that's good.
Also, though it won't bear immediate fruit, the convo between WH and your mom was as good as it could have been. Wonderful!
I don't want you to always feel like you have to have a big "VENT" sign over your venting posts, lol, just if it's not clear you're only venting some of us might worry a bit.
Tomorrow will probably have been long enough that you can do one kinda flirty thing (I know DS still weighs very heavily on you, but WS's have such a short attention span, lol), just not out of the blue. Look around throughout your day for something that reminds you of him, of a memory or inside joke the two of you share. "Just saw the funniest/most interesting thing [insert funny or interesting thing] - reminded me of the time you [insert action] with me at [insert place]."
I will save that. My mom told my dad tonight and it is amazing how he and I are just alike. My mom told him that he can't shut down on her like I did to WH. They need to talk. She said that he needs to absorb what he learned and that he is not overly mad, just more in shock than anything else. My dad agreed with me that we can't get mad and yell and scream and throw fits at him right now. It won't help the situation, just clear, a concise honesty about our thoughts and feelings is what he needs.
My mom will be glad to hear that what she did was good. She didn't know whether she should or not and I told her that I thought it would be good for her to have a conversation with him. We discussed the things she was thinking about saying to him and there were a few things that I said I did not think she should say yet! She didn't, but said more than she initially thought she would say. She was proud of herself that she didn't cry or get upset when talking with him.
Will try to be a little more clear when venting verses poor thinking. Will try the flirty text tomorrow.
The last two days, my DD7 has made pictures and stories at school about missing daddy and her family being sad. Do I give these to WH? Do I take them to WH at work at the station since he will be working for 2 24 hour shifts and a 12 hour shift along with a fund-raising event and his PT job between now and Monday when he will be here for the kids in the am? Do I wait until Monday?
That's what I needed to know. The one book is a slap in the face:
Page 1: (picture-mommy, daddy, DD, DS) "I like my family." Page 2: (picture-mommy, daddy, DD, DS upside down) "My family is fun." Page 3: (picture-mommy, DD, DS) "Now my family is sad."
Talked with my mom on her way to work about my dad and his reactions. She said that he paid me a big compliment and she was in total agreement that I was so incredibly strong to have gone through this for almost two months without telling anyone, relying on anyone, or asking anyone for help. She said that she knew that I was forcing myself just to get up, do what I had to do, and just existing.
Strong or not, my kids need me and I am fighting for my M and my life that I want back. I have too much going on in my life right now to crumble. Student teaching, working PT with clients with disabilities, my children, my schooling, and fighting to save M and heal myself to be a better person.
Not expecting a reaction to the story, just think I shouldn't keep it from him. He should see and feel what the kids are feeling and thinking just like I do everyday, hour, minute I am with them. It shouldn't be all rainbows and puppy dogs for him when he is around. He wants communication from me and keeping their feelings from him would not be giving him that. Right?? Still feeding the love bank, but not sheltering him either. If I am wrong, please let me know. I do not want to sabotage any positive that I have all ready done.
Oh no I wasn't saying that I thought YOU SHOULDN'T. I was just making sure that you understood that it wasn't going to bring about a "OMG PFM2, I didn't know. I am coming home right now." It may be a seed that needs to grow, but you wouldn't know that for a long time.
I like the rainbows and puppy dogs thing, I say, "Butterflies and roses." I know what you are talking about though. I get angry when I have to deal with all of the kids emotions and problems in school because of it. I just remember that I am the ONLY one who can right now, since I am seeing CLEARLY. In Plan B, there is NC, so it is even harder to get these points across. Take the chance while you can.
Thanks for the support. I don't want to screw any positives that have been set up at this point by one stupid little mistake. That's why I was checking to make sure what I was thinking was a good thing and not bad.
I was looking out for YOU. That's all. Just making sure that you didn't have any expectations on the outcome of this revelation.
My DS9 made snowmen last Saturday, in hopes that WH would see 4 snowmen, his "family". Unfortunately, they started melting before WH saw them and DS9 was sad. He told WH about them anyways.
I have no expectations, but always holding out hope. The snowmen, I bet, were cute. I probably would have taken pictures and let children give it to them if they chose to do that.
We did take pictures, although they weren't great pics(Ds9 dropped my camera and broke the view screen). I am in Plan B though, so if WH wants to see the pics, he will have to wait until he comes home. That's how we roll in Plan B. But you're in Plan A. Different plan, different rules.
I do struggle with not looking at things that WH does as either good or bad..
God put this on my heart to tell you to help you (and others) deal with understanding this... Did you ever see one of those pictures that are made up of hundreds of small photos? A mosaic photo....
Imagine what your going through as a mosiac in progress...It is made up of photos of BEAUTIFUL things... Puppies... and rainbows.. and little children holding hands and waterfalls and awesome sunsets on tropical beaches... but it is also made up of photos of HORRIBLE unspeakable things (you make your own images here...)
If you were to focus on each individual photo...you would have an endless roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. Worrying about what the picture will be...never knowing for sure what it will be in the end. Because it's IMPOSSIBLE to see by analyzing each individual photo.
NO ONE SINGLE IMAGE DEPICTS THE SUM OF THEIR ENTIRETY....
BUT.... you step back and see the WHOLE picture you can see the BEAUTIFUL photo.... the TRUE meaning of the picture....The BIG PICTURE... the END result...
This is what this is... NO SINGLE ACTION (good or bad) by your WH means anything by itself... and even the BAD actions can be part of a beautiful ending....
Keep to the plan and then... step back and see what the BIG PICTURE is... God wants us to understand that in the BIG picture... he is good... and he is just.... and he is kind... and he loves us so very much... and he wants to prosper us.... But.. sometimes.. there has to be bad little snapshots in there to help him create his mosaic....that is HIS end result. Have FAITH that God is painting a beautiful picture for your marriage.
Trust is so hard since the person I completely trusted in life broke that. I try to trust. DS asked if he could go with me today to program music at church so that we can sit in the sanctuary after I am done and pray and cry about what to do and to ask God to come in to our family and guide and help us through this horrible time.
I was thinking about encouraging DS to start writing in a journal, letters, thoughts, etc. If he wants to write WH a letter about his thoughts and feelings, he can and then give it to him o keep it to himself. I have found this to be a great way to deal with my thoughts and feelings about everything going on.
OK...here's a question...WH keeps telling me that he will come over and watch the kids while I go out and do things. I don't really have anyone to go out with and there are times when WH is at home with the kids and I could either come home right away (which usually means he leaves) or stay away, run errands, sit somewhere and do nothing, etc. On one hand, it means he is at home with our kids and not with OW at her place, but on the other hand, if contact and time with kids is limited, I would hope it would mean that he would miss them and any time that he gets to spend with him would be limited.
Do I give him the time at home with the kids and away from OW and stay away for longer or do I limit the time with the kids? What is the recommendation with that? There are pros and cons to both and I don't know which is the better way to go. He will almost always leave withing a short time period after I get home (obviously because he is avoiding me) and knows that I have set the boundaries with the kids and not meeting OW or even being at her place so they can't be with him and OW. I don't know if he is avoiding spending time with the kids because it hurts too much and he is really afraid that it will make him feel bad and I truly believe he doesn't stay around me either to limit his anger towards me or because it makes him feel bad about what he has done to me or because if he spends time with me he knows that I am going to be nice and loving towards him and he doesn't know what to do with that.
I'm confused about what I should do about the time with the kids her at our home verses limiting the time.
Hi, Prayerful, haven't read your posts in a while but I have seen a big change since I last read. You seem to doing well and growing. It doesn't hurt to rant and rave and let us know how you feel. It is better to do it here than anywhere else I feel.
Plan B is one of the hardest things to do but it gets our WS's attention more than anything else that we do. My H thaought that I hated him and that I did everything to be hateful. I told him that I never hated him but just the exact opposite and that I had to cut all contact with him to protect myself. He understands now. Funny thing is is that I think recovery is a lot harder than plan B. Recovery might not hurt like plan B but it sure is exhausting.
Just hold in there and keep praying. I keep reading Mark 11:22-24 almost everyday and I have read it so much that I can quote it as I need it.
Stay gone for a goodly length of time. It's great to have the kids get to spend some time with him, and that's meeting some domestic needs.
Then, when you come back, bring something he would want to stay for. Maybe a fun game, and invite him to stay and play it, or some yummy food and invite him to eat it with all of you. Very light-hearted. "Hey, thanks for staying with the kids. I had a great time! I know you've got to skedaddle, but why not grab a piece or two of pizza first?"
Over the next few weeks before going into Plan B, I want to see you work on tempting him to stay a bit more. It's ok if he doesn't, because whether he stays or just sees what he's missing, it's good either way. The picture of him hanging out a bit as a family is good, and so is the picture of you saying, "Awww, that's too bad - maybe next time. All right kiddoes, give your dad a big hug, and then let's PARTY!!!"
This part can be a bit more taxing, since if he does actually hang around more it means (gasp) that you have to spend more time with him. Extra time with Waynerds can be ooky, so just be glad that he's not living with you. Plan A is horrible under the same roof.
So why not call him today and set up a time for him to come over? Give yourself enough time to figure out what you're going to do when you arrive back home again.
Funny thing is...I get a weird text from him today before the end of my school day that says, "Not at the station. Worked with (name) instead. Be at the house at 3." This is when DS gets home from school. Now, we were not supposed to see him again until Monday because of working OT and regular 24 hour shifts, PT job, and fund-raising commitment.
I was talking with my mom on the phone when he called into her. She freaked, I felt nauseous. She called me back when WH beeped in. He was actually driving right behind me and asked if I was going home. I said yes, but had to go to a client at 4pm. He said OK and he would just go ahead and come home and hang out for a little while. He called my mom because he did not know what was going on with the kids and wanted to let her know that he was going to be there for them.
OK, ran upstairs to change my clothes before client and had to post this real quick. Going down now, dressed nicely in his favorite color blue to spend time with him before I have to go to my client.
He's enjoying being home, which is GREAT!!!!! When you need to, just repeat three time to yourself, "When he's a jerk, it's just as good a sign as when he's nice."
As he gets to enjoy home and your company more, he's likely to cycle to even more unpleasant than before. If he does, that's fine. It's just the nature of the beast. It's actually very good, because it means he is leaving the state of withdrawal and entering the state of conflict.
In the meantime, go strut your little blue self all over the house and have a super time hanging out with your WH. You may already realize this, but if you do choose to have SF with him at any time, use full protection. Till he gets a clean bill of health, you can't be too careful.
It was a good visit. I had about 45 minutes before I had to leave to go to my client and we chatted during that time while he was doing a little work on his truck. DS was there and during this time and gave me a chance to extend a positive compliment to WH. DS was trying to fix something on his bike and was unable to tighten something down. I told DS that he was stronger that I was and maybe daddy could use his strong muscles to tighten the handle bars completely down.
DD got home from school about the time I had to leave. I told all of them goodbye. I gave the kids hugs and touched WH on the arm because he was working on something on the truck. He looked me in the eyes and said goodbye. I stayed a little extra time away (30 minutes) before coming home just to give the kids a little extra time with daddy (that we didn't even expect or know we were going to get tonight or this weekend).
When I got home from my client, WH came down the stairs and we greeted each other. We talked for a little bit. DS asked daddy to sit down and watch a little bit of the show he was watching and WH DID sit down. He stayed about an extra 30 minutes. I sat down in the rocking chair with them and we continued to talk. It wasn't anything interesting or specific, but pretty much just daily talk like we would have done before all of this. There did seem to be a little underlying unknown because of the situation we are still in, but it wasn't uncomfortable.
WH finally said that he needed to go to run to the store before getting something to each and also needing to get to bed early because he is doing a charity climb in the morning in full fire fighter gear up multiple flights of stairs. It almost seemed like he was using up the time until he was supposed to be getting back to OW's home instead of early because he didn't actually work the OT he was supposed to.
I gave WH a hug before he left, we said a nice goodbye. He went to look for DD outside before leaving, but she was at a friend's house. I walked him out to his truck, told him to get some rest, and to be careful on his climb tomorrow. He told me that he wouldn't be able to talk tomorrow evening because he will be working his PT job, but did tell me to text him on how the day was or if I needed anything.
I am obviously very happy about this evening, but know that it doesn't necessarily mean anything significant. I am just enjoying that he kind of was joking with me a little bit when he called me when he was following me on the way home and said that he would hang out at home with us for the time before my session, during my session, and then stayed for a little bit after my session. It felt nice, mostly comfortable, no R talk at all, and I could see him thinking about doing some of the playful stuff that he would have normally done before as far as joking and rough housing with DS. Relishing in this good feeling , feeling energized to continue plan A , and thinking out ways to invite him to stay a little more with us this next week without seeming too obvious with what I am doing.
Oh, and by the way, was able to show off the weight I have lost (in a not so good way) in my newer, smaller jeans and turtle neck before putting on my sweater when I left for my client. Felt really good walking around, knowing that I was looking better than I did (probably even before we got married) and showing him my confidence in my looks. Blue is his favorite color and I try to wear that color as much as I can around him without always wearing the same thing. It is good that the weather is changing because that will give me more variety in more wardrobe!!
What a positive post this is. You can tell you are feeling better. Is DS okay? How about the book DD did? Did you manage to put it out somewhere? Sorry if you already answered this, I sometimes miss posts.
Hang in there. Plan A is a pain at times. Let the confidence you gain in it carry you further.
DS and I went out and spent the evening together. I took him to dinner at Pizza Hut and then we went to church to program music. DS asked me to take him with me this week when I went to church so that we could go sit in the sanctuary and pray for WH. I asked him to tell me what he wanted and expected when we were there. I told him I would pray out loud, he could pray out loud, he could pray silently, or we could just sit there. He asked me to pray and then we just sat there for 10 minutes. I think he felt pretty good before we left.
I dropped him off at my parent's house for the night since I work tomorrow and WH is not available to watch them tomorrow. First night at home ALONE and I am still feeling pretty good after the events of today.
Also, checked the cell phone bill and noticed a call from WH to our church. It was only 1 minute, but he may have just left a message for our pastor to call him. His mother, after I emailed her today about how things were going, called him around 5:30pm, just before I got home. That may be part of the reason that he left when he did and didn't stay any longer. She was supposed to be in the area this weekend and said she was going to plan on talking with him.
I did put DD's book out for him. Don't know for sure if he saw it, but will make sure it is still available for him to see. I didn't want to push it too much because the visit was so unexpected anyway. It is funny, when I knew he was going to be at home I panicked thinking about all the things I would have done to make the house better and cleaner for him to be there. I am usually a picky house keeper, but find myself recently letting things slip a little, especially when I don't think WH is going to be there. A little bit of the bad situation, but after this unexpected visit, I will go back to making sure that I keep the house the way I have always done and always wanted to. Granted, I view my house as a disaster with a few things sitting out on the floor, but many people "make fun of me" (for lack of a better way to say it) about how neat my house is even on the days I think things are out of control.
My Mom used to be like that too. Whenever she knew people were coming over for dinner she would SUPER-CLEAN. Then when the people came over, she would apologize about how messy the house was. She would always repaint her room when my aunt came to visit from CA(Cali that is). I definitely did not inherit that from her. I just don't let people in......hehehehehe okay only some people.
I think it is good that you didn't push the book. I like the leaving it out idea.
I become a little Obsessive-compulsive when it comes to the house and how it looks,because with my job, I am in and out of peoples homes all the time and some of them are really bad. It makes me a little fearful that people will view my home like that. I can always remember growing up the joke in our house with my mom as "you want us to make it look like no one lives in the house, right?" We would usually tell her this when she was telling us to make sure to put our shoes away and every other little, normal daily stuff.
The house and the kids rooms are also a sore subject for my husband because his mom and sister have piles (and I mean piles!!!!) of stuff all over their house. I have only been upstairs in my MIL's house 1 time and had to ask my husband which bedroom his parents slept in because you could not actually see a bed that did not have stuff piled on it. His sister's house is horrible. There is not one space on a shelf or piece of furniture that does not have piles of stuff on it. You can't go upstairs because without a rake and shovel (as my SIL stated) you cannot get through the kids rooms.
but did tell me to text him on how the day was or if I needed anything
And this, this is the key to the city right here. He's hoping you'll need something from him.
You have all day to think of something to need him for. You know him and his schedule much better than we do, so you know what sorts of things he might reasonably deliver so you could ADMIRE all over him!
Once you give a little guidance, we can help you brainstorm and refine, etc. (I won't be around a computer tomorrow, so I use the word "we" very loosely. )
OK...I know my schedule and his schedule don't mix well today, so what I need will either be something that he can bring me on Monday when he gets here to get the kids on the bus or something that he can answer me in a text or phone call. He has this fund-raising thing this morning, I work for most of the day, and he has his PT job this afternoon and evening. (He will be working this PT job every Friday and Saturday evening- I'm sure OW won't get tired of that now will she. Work all week and not be able to go out on the weekend evenings??? Just what all OW dating M men love, huh?)
I did talk to him about bringing the kids to the station to visit tomorrow so they can see him. He said that he would see what the day would bring. It has always been that way because they could have training, lots of runs, public ed things they do, or other types of visits that make it so they can't have people come over. He told me to talk with him on Sunday to see what all they had going on. I know this is not an excuse to avoid having it happen because we had planned other times, long before A, and they did not work out because of things that they had to do.
I was kind of hoping that something, like when I got lost trying to find one of the schools I was visiting, would come up today, but can't guarantee that. I was trying to think of something household that I might need to ask him how to do something or where to find something. Really stuck as to what I could text and need from him. I was trying to definitely think of kid things that I might need to ask from/for him. I need to check out my son's project that he is starting for school to see if there is something I can ask WH to do, find, or get for DS. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated because I am just not sure.
Weekends are so hard...The minute I get done with my last client all I want to do is cry and bang my head against the window of my car as I drive home. I know yesterday had some positive sides to it, but then I know he is busy all day today and not at her place and definitely not at home. Because of his new job, I can only text him if I need to talk or let him know something and he won't be off until very late this evening. He turns around then and has to be at the station early in the morning and will be there for 24 hours until he comes home to get the kids on the bus. I don't know his schedule for his new PT job yet and don't know whether I will see him in the afternoon or not. Positive things...not with OW (and it is a Saturday night and all day Sunday) Negative...not with us.
I'm just venting and blowing off some frustrations right now because, well, I would be having these conversations in my head anyway and writing everything out seems to make me feel a little better. Went to church to try and find some music for service tomorrow and my Pastor was there. We talked a lot about things and he asked how things were going, if there were any changes, etc. I explained about everything that has been going on lately. He told me that if he had scripted the meeting that he came to our house for (very early on) and everything else that I have been doing to this point, he couldn't have done a better job himself. Just like my counselor and others, everyone is amazed at how I am handling the things that are going on. I shared with him about my mother and what she had said to WH, he was shocked and praised her for what she had done and how well she had done it. He went into a long speech about the differences between men's and women's thinking and how WH is possibly trying to find a way to gracefully bow out without losing face at the whole situation. He is amazed about how WH is trying to get people to be angry with him by putting excuses for his behavior out and with each acceptance, listening, and lack of confrontation over them, he is falling flat on his face. He said, pretty soon, he won't know what to do and have no one to try to get angry at him. WH deals great with anger and then has a reason to validate himself and does not deal well with acceptance and admittance of my mistakes or others mistakes with no confrontation.
My Pastor knows my WH well because he worked for his funeral home business with him doing removals, dressing/casketing bodies, and working funerals. He knows his personality and things like that about him, more than a typical pastor might because of working together.
Everyone keeps talking about how well I am doing and all the right things I am doing, I just WH could see and admit those things as well and find his way back home. Like I said, just venting and putting my feelings out there before they drive me crazy.
It does pass, I am not sure what the average is. For me it was about 4 months before I started eating again,(as in ore than a slice of toast and some vegetables each day) but longer to stop throwing up daily. I think my body couldn't handle food after the prolonged starvation period.
Oh yes, my diet consisted of air and gatoraid, i have a job that i am on my feet and buzy all day, needed something to keep me from passing out.
the only thing good about it, is the weight loss, however; the flip side, knots in the stomach, not even ablt to swallow air, that sucks.
hang in there, it does get easier, try little bites all day long, something that won't stick in your throat. and yes, breath, breath, breath. deep controlling breaths....it does help.
sorry you have joined our club, it truly is a club where the members hate to see new recruits.
Yeah, keeping your fluids up is the most important thing, and since you are going to be losing weigh, treat yourself to a little chocolate. You wont eat much and you can be totally guilt free over the calories since you need some.
I personally believe it was the 14 cups of tea I drank each day with milk in kept me going Apparently woman can live on tea alone.
Right now...diet coke and a peanut butter sandwich per day. Anything else and it comes right back up. Used to be able to drink tons of diet coke, now barely can get through one 24oz bottle if I'm lucky. I had all ready started losing weight before all this because of being put on pre-diabetes medication and an appetite suppressant because I was really needing/wanting to lose weight. Down 40 lbs before all this, haven't weighed since starting this whole ordeal, because I am afraid of how much I have lost since then. I am down two whole pant sized in 6 weeks if that says anything.
If you become dangerously thin before getting your appetite back, DO see your doctor. I work in Kgs, not pounds sorry, but I was 1kg off my see the doctor mark..got down to 45kg.
If your on appetite suppressants and diabetes meds, you might need to see the doc anyway, just to make sure.
Hope I didn't do something bad...Sent WH a text tonight because he was working PT job and had said that he wouldn't be able to call us. My text was simply saying that we're "sorry we wouldn't be able to talk to him tonight because we really feel better after we get to talk to him. Told him to have a good night at his job and to take care. Oh...by the way, the neighbor asked to borrow your compressor. Hope that was OK?" The neighbor borrowing the compressor was kind of my reason for sending the text with the other nice stuff to go along with it.
He actually did call us, saying he just had a couple of minutes. I talked for a couple of seconds and then said that I would give the phone to the kids so he got to talk to them before he had to go. DS was not feeling well today, not sure if depression or true illness, but he started getting a little upset on the phone. They talked for a few minutes and DS told him the symptoms he was having. When they were done, WH told DS "I love you" which he does not always do, especially to DS (he's a boy). DS was handing the phone to DD and she was a little hesitant. All I said to her was that this was her only chance tonight and daddy was in a hurry so if she wanted to talk, she needed to now. She did talk and started with her normal "I miss daddy. I want you home. Have you decided if you are coming home or not?" They talked for a few minutes and then she handed the phone back to me.
I truly did not know the kids were going to be like that and I told him that I was sorry about that because I knew he was busy at work. I thanked him for calling and said he didn't sound like he was feeling well. He said he didn't know if he was just tired, coming down with something, or what. I told him thank you for calling because I didn't think he was going to be able to. Told him to have a good evening and to take care. (I truly did not expect him to call since he said he wasn't going to be able to!)
I sent him a text shortly after saying. "Thanks for calling. The kids felt a little better. Hope he has a good evening and isn't getting sick. Take care!" He actually replied, "K. Oh and it's OK that neighbor borrowed the compressor."
I did not know the kids were going to be like that on the phone tonight. I did not set him and up and I hope that he doesn't think that. Do I send him a short, to the point, email saying something that I did not expect he was going to call and I hope he doesn't think that I did what I did on purpose? Don't want this to end up hurting any positives that have been going on.
You've already said it, so you probably don't want to bring it up again unless he does.Very good interaction.
If you can, why not take him some food at the station tomorrow, even if he's not there. Maybe even something bigger like a cake or dozen donuts that he can share with everyone. Nothing like having everyone at work saying how wonderful his wife is.
Don't know if this has any meaning or if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but sent WH an email this morning. Just a loving, kind of reminiscing type of email with happy thoughts knowing that he was tired and the phone call last night from the kids was probably hard to hear because they are so emotional.
He responded back to me saying that he missed the kids very much and wants to be there for them. He said he can hear them struggling with what they are saying and asking him and hear it in their voices. I had specifically said that I do not want them at OW's apartment and he said he understood that even though OW would not be there if they were. (Like I'm going to trust her-and somewhat him-about her not being there.) I have told him that I would be OK staying away from the house or leaving the house if he wanted time with the kids. He had continually stated that he would not ask me to do that or expect me to do that. Today, he actually said that he would like to start one night a week alone with the kids one night a week and put them to bed. He said the days would vary because of his work schedule and he asked if I would be willing to work with him on this. I responded by saying, of course, I would be willing to work with him on this and have been offering this to him so am really glad that he is wanting this.
He said that he is struggling financially and can't do things with the kids and that is making it hard for him to be there for them emotionally. I have offered to help him with this if I have the extra money for him and the kids. The first night that he gets to be here with the kids, I will plan on making them a special snack (and maybe dinner) to have.
I also, in my response, asked if the kids and I could come over and see him today. He said yes, this afternoon or this evening. We will take him a little treat to share at the station. Maybe DD will help me make some cookies. I feel like he is at least giving an olive branch out to the kids and asking for something that I have offered to him from the start. It feels good that he wants to be there for the kids (and maybe it will eventually lead to being there for me). This request from him feels really good and I hope it should.
PMo2 Just read your entire thread. You have some amazing people posting to you. Your story is very similar to mine, my H is a fireman too.
I am not sure of a few things... I might have missed them in reading.
Did you ever ascertain what WH's top 3 EN's are? Have you worked out who OW is? Have you done the full nuclear exposure? Did you get the key logger on your home PC?
Seeing Believer here (hi B!) reminds me about how she would often comment on Admiration being a top EN for most men. I used to send Ad related texts and emails to my H almost every day. Also complementing whenever possible. Nothing false, just if he was looking especially nice, I would say something like "your a handsome man Mr Doggie" in passing. I liked how you said to your DS in WH's hearing about how strong WH is.:)
Generally I think you are doing great. The BS fog is lifting and your getting a better grasp on what plan A is and isnt. Remember your working on making yourself someone he wants to be with...looking good, smelling nice (LOL at DD wearing the same mummy perfume) fun, cheerful and upbeat to be with. House clean, cosy and welcoming. Have no expectations - as they used to tell me over and over....'expectations are just premeditated resentment'.
And most of all, love yourself! I had a bubble bath every single night for 2 months because it was all I could afford to do really. I also pierced my ears, bought some lingerie (great subtle work on letting WH see you did that BTW)I bought myself grapes and chocolate to try and tempt myself to eat again. Do you have some close friends you can visit just for a coffee or something on those times WH is willing to watch the kids?
Be careful with MIL. Mine was a rock for me during the A, and like you my mother was less supportive, however I did find out a few months ago, that MIL was sharing alot more info about my plan A including snooping with WH than I knew.
Love your kids, let them express their hurt, and tell them you will be there for them always. It takes a horrible toll on them and the consequences last longer than waytards ever think.
Also just in agreement with Neak, WS's behaviour towards the BS is usually all over the place. If, during time together the WH and DH appearances seem to cycle, well lets just say sometimes its not always a bad thing they go back to the sty for a few hours, its gives you time to refresh, recover and ready for the new foray
Sounds to me like you are doing very well. Now start taking care of YOU. If you can get hubby to spend time in the home with the kids, DO IT. Be sure to have somewhere to go, get dressed up, look good, and leave.
Sheesh, there was a thread on here by a BS who had a great plan to woo her hubby back. Can't remember her name right now, but maybe someone else remembers. She would get all dressed up and go to the library or drug store, being very mysterious about where she was off to.
I am definitely watching my expectations. I do what I can to make him see the good mood and always have a small moment when things feel good, but know that there is nothing to guarantee that he will be responsive to anything that I do or that no guarantee that he will ever want to be back home, but I do feel good when the things happen that are positive. I will not lighten up on my plan A at all. If it is working well, then I am continuing full force and full steam ahead.
I will try to take care of myself, but it is hard to know what I want to do to help myself. I will plan to be mysterious, even if I end up going to McDonald's to sit and work on my homework or even just go over to my parents house.
Today was an especially bad for my mother. She can't see the positives when they do happen because she wants to make it happen now. She wants to ring his neck. She is cycling just like I have been. I let her talk about things and then tell her how things will go up and down as he tries to figure things out. We need to hold onto the good when it happens and not get too down when a negative happens. We also need to keep in mind that the positives also don't mean that he will come back. He is extending a little bit of an olive branch to the family, even if it starts with only the kids. Each time he is here, it means he is not there.
I have had a hard time trying to go see my parents since they have found out because all it makes me want to do is cry and I am so sick and tired of crying all the time. My dad called me yesterday, without my mother telling him to, after processing things. I had told my mother to let him know that he can call me anytime after she told him about what was going on. It was pretty much idle chit chat because as soon as he talked about things, my voice started to quiver and I think it made him nervous that he was upsetting me or not sure how to deal with things. We talked for a little bit afterwards about not much of anything.
Sometimes I wonder if the A is partially due to him now being a career fireman instead of viewing himself as just being a guy with a job. He was the oldest one in his recruit class and was nicknamed grandpa in a class with many young 20 year olds.
I have tried to find out his top 3 EN's, but won't get anything out of him. If I were to guess, I would say communication, sexual fulfillment, and family. Do not have all the information on OW, just a first name and an address (from him). I have done full exposure (except to my grandma). He was most upset over my communication with his family (especially his sister) as I am not sure the story he told them was what he had been telling me. I think I gave them a few details that he had not. Yes I got the key logger on my computer and didn't think about the kids computers until the other day when he was on there. Am working on that tonight.
Working on making myself happy has been a little difficult as I have not really had the time because of my hectic schedule and WH had not really been trying to stay at the house with the kids too much. As he said, he struggles with this because he can't afford to do much with them.
I find it really funny at how well my DS, without even knowing what he is doing, is giving WH reasons to feel good about himself. We went to the station tonight, and I was looking pretty good in what I was wearing-blue, his favorite color- feeling as good as I can, given the situation-but not letting him know that- with a pan of Rocky Road brownies to share with everyone and some girl scout cookies that someone bought and told me to donate to somewhere because they were trying to watch what they were eating. (Yes, another thing to share at the FS with the other guys!! God works in mysterious ways and sometimes when you least expect it!!
We pulled up and he came out to meet us. I wondered if he was going to have us come inside or just visit outside. We went in the afternoon so there was the possibility of other guys being around to see him interacting with the family. I smiled and greeted the guys who were around. We did go in the station and sat down and all talked for a while. DS asked if WH wanted to play fussball and he said yes. DD wanted to play also and I joined in as well (something I hadn't done in the past). DS made a comment while we were playing about how this was a "fun family game" to play. WH is good at playing the game and I was able to make comments about how good he was at the game and that he could hit the ball so fast that I couldn't see it coming.
They called that dinner was ready, but he played a couple more games with us before we decided to leave so he could have a warm dinner. He walked us out to the car, carrying DD. We talked for a few minutes, he gave me a hug, and opened the car door for me. Something he used to always do, but hadn't done in a while. It felt really good to have him do that for me again.
Keeping the thoughts of the good visit, but still dying a little because it had to end. He will be here in the morning to gets kids on the bus and then in the afternoon to get them off again.. I will stay away for a little bit because we have not discussed which day he wants to stay for the evening and put them to bed. I might try to talk with him about that tonight so I can make plans for somewhere to go or something to do.
Oh...one more little thing that I do is, since he helps me out by doing laundry for me, he always liked for me to wear specific types of undergarments. I will usually try to wear these when I am going to be around him, even though he won't see them, but he will see them when he does the laundry and he knows I have other things that I could wear that are not as appealing to him.
Just wanted to stop in and say you're doing a great job!! A lot of really good positives prove that.
Originally Posted by prayerfulmomof2
Today was an especially bad for my mother. She can't see the positives when they do happen because she wants to make it happen now. She wants to ring his neck. She is cycling just like I have been.
Just tell her you also want this to be over NOW.. but.... you know it's better to fix it RIGHT than to fix it FAST...
Also...as I remember you were afraid to tell her because you thought she would put you down.. so she is doing a great job too.. However....this is YOUR journey. You won't have the energy you need if you start worrying about her emotions too..
In the long run and what you really need her to be is like a mighty oak tree... someone you can tie a rope around during the turbulent times... Not easily swayed. Firm against heavy winds..with roots buried deeply in solid soil. Not like a wispy pine tree that blows all around with every changing breeze...(you will be that tree enough at times without anyone's help...LOL) And one that breaks during a storm. You need her positive strength. Mother...not girlfriend.
Find a way to thank her for all her support which has helped you so much... and convey this concept to her gently also... Keep helping him with those tiny little steps that will lead him home. GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank
Time to get creative in finding OW's info. Well, tomorrow anyway. Right now I could "creative" my way out of a paper bag, and you probably couldn't either.
So, note to self: tomorrow begin brainstorming session on Operation Supersleuth.
While Neak is working on Op supersleuth, I had a look at alternatives to ILU and found this post by you know who given to T2L when she had a similar issue.
Originally Posted by Neak
You're so cute. I lurve you. Bye sexy man. I married my honey. Bye sweetie. Hubba-hubba.
None of that looks familiar.........are you sure I wasn't quoting Pep?
If you're in the US, which I think you are but I'm drawing a blank, there are lots of resources. I think I'd start with WH's phone bills, since you can probably get her # that way. Once you do, a $15-or-so search on Intelius should turn up full info, including full name, address, and likely friends and associates.
Or, if you can only get her address, you can search through that. Phone bills will be the quickest and easiest if you can get them, if you can't then schedule a Sunday to follow him back to the abarfment.
Once you get a first and last name, zabasearch.com very often has lots of helpful (and free!) information, including past addresses. A cross check of those addresses will usually turn up family members.
Start there and see what you come up with. If you don't get anything, we'll take it back to the drawing board. If worse came to worst, you might need to follow OW to work and see where she works. From there, it would be very easy to get her last name: ask for her by her first name, and even if you get her, just ask how to spell her last name and hang up.
I am in the US and have been checking the phone bills. Unfortunately, I think he only texts with her and maybe calls from a land line phone, which I don't get any phone numbers on because they are local. I will probably need to follow him on a Sunday. DS told me when we were talking about something that he could show me where daddy was staying, but I struggle getting him in the middle because he is so young (11 years old) and I don't want him to be the whistle blower and then feel guilty over any fall out from it.
MIL is going to try to find out some information about where he is staying, as he has not even given them any information. Maybe she will get some info from him.
Tonight was a pretty good night. I ran a few errands tonight and let him stay at the house with the kiddos for 3 hours, when I could have been home at 2:45pm after student teaching. When I got home, he was doing some yard work and I am pretty sure that he had been at the house for quite awhile because he was working on his lawn mower, the yard, and the laundry. He came inside to wash up before heading out. We had a nice conversation because today was the first day I took over two classes on my own in student teaching (gotta love working with 7th grade boys, high functioning special education, dealing with depression, anger, etc. LOL!!
I told him how my student teaching experience would progress and when I would keep taking over more and more classes. I talked about how in the month of April I was going to have to teach nine 8th grade special needs boys (with anger, attention, and depression issues)poetry!!! We all know how well any 8th grade boy feels about poetry and then to add all the other issues these students have to deal with will just make it more fun!! LOL!! I told him some of the things that I had been thinking of trying to use to teach the subject. His only comment was that he wasn't a teacher so he didn't know if the techniques would work. I said, "Yes, but you were an 8th grade boy before. What would have made you interested in learning about poetry?" He responded by saying, "Nothing would have." I said that I know, but I have to teach it any way and trying to use my creativity, which this teacher will let me use.
He said he needed to go and run some errands. I walked him to the door with DD. She gave him a hug and did her normal, don't go, I want to go with you, stay here speech to him. I went to give him a hug, which he did give me, but said "be careful, I've got oil and stuff on me and don't want you to get dirty." DD and I walked him out to the car. He made eye contact with me after he got in the car and we waved to each other as he drove off. (I really HATE that part!!!! )
The interaction felt good!! It felt more comfortable and relaxed on both parts and there were a few giggles and laughs in the conversation. Definitely got some smiles from me in the conversations today!! Which he said he had not seen from me in awhile when he left.
We discussed that Thursday night would be the night he would stay here until after they go to bed and then I would come home (around 9:30-10:00pm). I was planning on making dinner for them so that all he has to do is heat things up along with them having a special desert to eat. I was trying to think of something that I could bring home with me that might entice him to sit and talk for just a little bit after I get home. I am thinking of coming home closer to 10:00pm so that maybe he would have fallen asleep on the couch and I would have to wake him up to let him know I am home.
Positive to him being here is that he will have been at the station the previous 24 hours and then at our house all afternoon/evening until late.
FYI...As a kind gesture to WH, since he has to cook at the station and isn't very good at it, I found two recipes that I put in an envelop and gave to him with a note that said I would show him how to make them if he needed me to help him.
Also, I offered some time if he wanted to spend the night at the house with the kids, that I would go to my parents house or something so that he could stay at our house with them.
Since MIL and SIL have offered several times to come down and help watch the kids if I ever needed them to, even though my parents are almost always around to help me if I need it, I'm going to find some dates to give her so that she can maybe find one that works to come down and be with the kids for the day (and spend the night if she would want and be with them the next day). I felt that it would be a good thing to do since she has been so nice about the whole situation and we had not had this relationship ever before.
I do read your responses. I looked at the last response again and I actually talked to my mom about what you had said about getting him back the right way and not the quick way. She told me that she did understand, it's just frustrating for her. She is definitely the mighty oak for me and it's what I am trying to be also. I really thank you for all your comments and if I don't respond it is definitely not because I don't read what you have to say, it depends on when I read your response and what I have going on. Thank you so much for all your help. I will go back later tonight to read your other responses also again, as I can hardly remember what people have said in the past, and it is probably a good thing for me to do occasionally anyway.
I have two big tests that I have to prepare for this weekend and will have to be reviewing for them over the next few days and may not be on here as much as normal, because of time. Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, and words. It is always helpful when I hear/read anything.
Give him a backrub when you get back late. Don't give him a choice, just go right up and start on his shoulders and neck. I defy him to leave right in the middle!
I think you've done well to resist asking DS to show you the place. Unless there was an emergency, you don't want to go there. If, after brainstorming, Sunday is the only possible day to follow him, plan it for this coming Sunday.
You can also run your WH through the same places - if he's getting mail at another address it's likely to show up eventually.
Having another cell phone is more likely than conducting an A solely by text and landline. Keep an eye out, since you never know what opportunity you might have.
Without neglecting passive openings, you're going to have to create your own. It's time to push a bit and make this a priority.
Thanks for the advice and the compliment about DS. I couldn't bring myself to do that. He did, on his own, tell me where the apartment was and the color of it. I have an idea of where it is.
Today was an interesting day. I had asked WH to come to the house about 15 minutes earlier than he had been to help me because I have had some last minute things pop up that has pushed me of a morning. He said of course and did show up this morning early like I asked. Last night we had a great conversation last night at the house and another on the phone when the kids called about something. Both were about 15-20 minutes each and pleasant.
He arrived this morning as normal, a little quieter than sometimes. A few minutes after he sat down at the table with DD for her breakfast, he got a text. He responded and his attitude changed a little bit. He then received another couple of texts and seemed upset, mad, not sure which. I quickly just said, "Everything OK?" He shook his head no and became pretty solemn and quiet. I just nicely/quickly said, "I'm sorry." and then prepared to leave for school. I walked over (he was sitting down) gave him a little hug. He didn't move, look up, or say more than goodbye.
Oh girlfriend, you are getting to him. He's mentally scratching his head wondering what's going on. You should be MAD at him but here you are, a loving wife. Those texts? Betcha they were from OW. She doesn't LIKE the fact that he's spending so much time with his FAMILY. Nothing like a GREAT Plan A to get a WS running in circles and an OW frothing at the mouth.
I really hope that is what is going on here. Who else would be texting him at 7:15am?? He will be at the station 24 hours tomorrow, come to the house to get the kids on and off the bus, and stay with them until I get home about 10:00pm. (Looking good, of course!!) He will then work on Friday, all day at PT job, and maybe into the evening if they have hours. He will then work again 24 hours on Saturday!!
It's been a pretty good day overall from WH being home and seeming to be having problems at "home" (for lack of a better place to call OW's place) to my university supervisor visiting me at my student teaching placement and telling me that I look like I am really happy with my current placement and that I fit in very well. She was pretty sure that I would work well with middle school kids (90% are male students, 7th and 8th grade, dealing with depression, anxiety, and anger issues). I really am enjoying my placement and feel comfortable working with these kids (most of whom are in divorced family situations).
The teacher that I am working with has been divorced and after all the positives and how comfortable I felt with her, I actually discussed my current situation. She said that she was sorry that I had to go through this and she was there 6 years ago. She said her situation was in a more abusive and nasty place than where mine is. I don't know her whole story, but at least feel comfortable talking with her if I ever need to or am having problems. That was not the situation with the last teacher I was working with for 7 and 1/2 weeks while this was going on.
Sounds like you are doing everything almost right. And congrats on doing so well in your student teaching. I was a long time career employee with the gov when my ex was conducting his affair, and I was like a zombie for several months, just barely getting through the day.
I do disagree with some of the others here. If your 11 year old knows where dad lives, I would have him take me there. You aren't putting him in the middle, dad did that. And there is no need for dad to know how you found out. In fact, you don't even need to mention what you know right now. But you need facts, so that you can expose the affair.
Your family is being attacked right now, and you need to use everything at your disposal to fight this battle.
I can take him somewhere and drive by where I think the apartment is to go "run an errand" and I know that maybe DS might say, that's where daddy is staying if we go by the apartment. Then I am not straight our asking him, he is offering the information and I would never tell WH where I found out where he was staying. This way I am not having DS "tattle" on daddy out right so he never feels responsible for anything, because he is all ready taking on too much of this responsibility himself.
I am guessing that this might be part of the battle for WH. He has called and talked to us every day/night without fail. Tonight was the first time that he did not initiate a phone call to us. DS called on his cell phone to him a couple of times tonight, but that was it. A little frustrating, but we did see him this morning and he seemed to be in a little battle with something (or someone). Is this part of that battle for the WS?
Yes, good idea to run an errand and drive DS by where you think the apartment may be. Exposure of the affair is a necessary part of Plan A.
Other than that, don't worry, or have expectations. You are doing just fine. Make your home a warm and welcoming place for hubby, and don't get angry or make disrespectful judgments. The OW will start resenting the time that hubby spends with the family, and SHE will start having angry outbursts. That is what you need to let happen. Then you just sit back and watch.
Oh...I am not having angry outburst. Only doing that in my car as I scream while driving down the road between work/clients/school/etc. Waiting to be pulled over by the police for aggressive driving or something!! LOL
Good girl. I know how hard it is. But continue screaming in the car instead of at him. And of course you can always vent here.The good part is that you only have to do this for a short time. It won't go on forever, and is part of the MB plan.
Your Plan A is excellent, but you will need to expose the affair. So figure out how to find out the info you need soon. We will guide you with what to do after that.
I will work on that the next couple of days with DS. Right now, I don't necessarily want to scream AT him, just want to scream AT the situation we are in. The sitting on the fence thing is more frustrating that the A itself (right now!). When we get back together (I know there is no guarantee, but I have to keep saying when right now), then we can effectively deal with my anger and frustration with the A and the moving out.
OK Prayerful... thanks for the kind words...it might be hard to believe at this point but people here... total strangers.... really do care...we KNOW how painful this is and speaking for myself (and probably everyone else) ... I could never just turn away from someone in this situation... We all wish we found this place sooner... You are doing really really well....and I agree that PM nailed it too... A good Plan "A" spins the WSs head back around... and turns the once "perfect" OW into a RAVING LUNATIC!!
And since the enemy tricks most WSs into "Affairing Down" a good Plan "A" like you are doing (pretty good for a rookie BTW) makes the contrast between wonderful wife and OW mental case look even worse!!
Keep up the good work... GOoD luck and Prayers Frank
It is amazing how much total strangers do care about my situation. The roller coaster ride is so hard throughout this. Sometimes I think I would want to see who the OW is and sometimes I don't. I just always wonder if she is better than me or not. I know that she is older and sometimes I think that is so that he hopes she doesn't get as attached or there would be no issues with a desire for children.
I do believe that she is finally getting annoyed or whatever with WH not being around. I just wonder when she is going to kick him out (since he isn't paying rent or anything to her, doesn't have the money to give her or do anything with), find someone else that is able to give her money and spend more time with her, or he is going to get tired of her ranting/raving about all the above. (Just venting right now!!! )
Thanks for the vote of confidence on my plan "A". I think I have gone into my therapist mode a little and rational thinking mode. I have to say, the boundaries that I have placed on my mother have been wonderful. We have been able to talk about things and when we don't agree on everything, she can see my point of view even if we never agree and deal with what I have to say or think.
The roller coaster ride is so hard throughout this.
Yes... it was hard for me too until the vets then told me that it was MY choice whether I continued to punch my ticket and keep riding.
Your situation and your WS may be operating the ride....but you do have a choice to get off anytime you want. I don't mean at ALL to give up... just LEARN (and you are doing soooo great so early on with this) NOT TO REACT... no single solitary swerve in the road will bring him home.. or end your marriage....and.... things change like New England weather.... sunny and warm one day...dark and cold the next...then...you guessed it.. SUNNY again!! That ride takes too much energy to keep up with..
And you have no idea what GOD has planned for your marriage.
Quote
I just always wonder if she is better than me or not.
OK.. nows the time to understand WHO YOU ARE and why the above will NEVER be possible...
YOU ARE HIS WIFE OF (??? YEARS) YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF HIS WONDERFUL CHILDREN...BORN OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE YOU ARE THE PERSON WHO KNOWS HIM BETTER THAN ANYONE. OK... what is she?
SHE IS HIS AFFAIR PARTNER SHE IS THE CO-CONSPIRATOR IN THE ATTACK ON YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR FAMILY. SHE IS A HUSBAND (trying anyway) THIEF SHE IS A LIER SHE IS A (FILL IN YOUR OWN HERE) BUT MAINLY... SHE....IS.....NOTHING.....a FANTASY (just the by-product of a neglected marriage)
OW will NEVER compete with you on ANY level playing field...S
And yes... vent HERE....cry HERE.....scream HERE if you need to ....and be a kind loving patient forgiving faithful Godly warrior-ess for your marriage and your family in the "real world" What you can't handle... give to God...he will shield and protect you. I love this from a worship song:
"I will bring PRAISE... I will bring PRAISE "No weapon formed against me shall remain" (OW in your case formed by the enemy) I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory and he is here
Sometimes I think I would want to see who the OW is and sometimes I don't. I just always wonder if she is better than me or not. I know that she is older and sometimes I think that is so that he hopes she doesn't get as attached or there would be no issues with a desire for children.
.
Oh hun, we all feel that. What will seeing her do for you though apart from upset your day? Either your gonna want to smack her one, or do something you'll regret later. Best to pretend she doesn't exist really, believe it or not. Think of her as some icky stuff you scrape off the bottom of your shoe, it stinks and isnt pleasent, but able to be removed with a stick and some water
I can tell you for free, by virtue of the fact that your not the one making whoppee with a married person who is not married to YOU, makes you a better person. Besides, while WH and OW are off in fantasy bubble affair land, your being the grown up, loving and caring for your children, and taking responsibility for you and your action. Not fate, kismet or what other rot AP's tell each other. One day your kids and even your WH will tell you how very much they appreciate that, and it is a sweet thing to hear.
As far as the concern of strangers... consider us TEAM PMo2
Thanks PLEASE HELP and lildoggie!! Since he left, a day has not gone by where I have heard nothing from him. It is the hardest thing (next to him walking out and finding about A) that has happened. It really is bothering me. He is supposed to be at the station today. Maybe I will hear from him. Is there something that I should be doing with no contact from him??
Thanks for the song PH. Music is obviously very important in my life and so many songs have been going through my head and I hear on the radio.
PFM2- It must have been something in the air last night because my WH didn't call OUR CHILDREN last night either and he didn't email them to tell them he missed the time to call. It is the first time he hasn't called OR emailed. I am in a dark Plan B but I couldn't help but notice this. The time he has spent on the calls has been going down as well. Oh well, I am still here for them and I think I am doing a good job filling the void since they say they don't miss him.
As far as thinking about if POSOW is better than you, you already know that she ISN'T. These little thoughts are just worries that he might actually be happy with her. Like others have said on here, they only know each other in AFFAIRLAND. The bubble will burst one day, it always does.
Ohhh...today has been a pretty bad day overall. I have felt sick to my stomach, can't concentrate, etc., etc., etc. I am sure it is a combination of no contact last night and the insecurities of how he will be tomorrow and what tomorrow will bring. I know, no expectations, and I am actually leaning more to negative expectations than positive ones, just so I am not hurt if he runs out the door as soon as I get home. With him staying so late and having to be back early next morning, I would love to see him just decide to stay. I all ready sleep on the couch and he could just all ready be here for the next morning, save on gas, etc. I am sure that won't happen, but maybe logic would prevail in this case...Not probable!! LOL!!
OK, just a little anxiety venting today. I have been writing non-stop all day because of the anxieties. Gotta go do a job where I actually earn money (unlike all the hours of student teaching, for free!!!- actually, I am paying them because I paid my tuition. They get free labor!!)
Oh...why is today such a hard day!! Was talking with my mom today and crying on the phone with her. She wants me to come over and see her. She said she doesn't feel like she has been able to be there for me. The sad part is that I can't bring myself to going to my parents house because I know it makes my dad uncomfortable when I break down and I can't keep myself together when I am talking with my mother. I don't like not being in control of myself and breaking down and she wants to have this break down moment with me because she knows that i am hurting and she is worried about me. There have been a couple of times that she has crossed the boundaries (with me) that I have set and I have stood up for what I wanted or needed. I don't know if I can do this moment that she wants. Quite honestly, I don't know that I can deal with seeing her for DS's birthday this month and Easter coming up soon. I don't think since people know about things that I can handle being around anyone. How do I get over that??? It's personal problems with me and (other than it is WH A that is what caused all of this) nothing to do with him. I can't allow myself to not be the rock and the stability of the family and to be a wreck with them. Ugh...don't know how to deal with this feeling. (Partially venting frustrations, but also asking for any thoughts about this personal issue.)
I am always the one who is there for people when they needed me. I helped BIL through SIL's A and their separation(now he is having HUGE problems with his gf). Then I was there for my sister when my BIL was having his A and they got D. Then I was there for my Dad when my Mom left. But what happened when I needed someone? I have call display and people would call and I just needed to be ALONE. They all know that if I don't want to talk, I WON'T.
I am really happy for having this site. I could cry my eyes out while I was typing and NOONE would know. I could get the much needed support that I was lacking in my RL. I have some friends but if I am really down, I don't reach out to them. I make a cozy cocoon and I wait it out. It isn't right for everyone. I just happen to enjoy my company than others and I don't want to appear weak to others. I had my moments. I really am a CRIER. I used to cry so much. WH said it didn't phase him anymore since I did it so often. Boy did I ever want to kick him for that(although now I KNOW the truth).
My dad brought some cookies over to my house tonight because I am preparing dinner for WH and the kids for tomorrow night. This is the first time he asked to spend the evening alone with the kids and put them to bed since everything started since all this started. I was able to be fine with my dad because I know how much it bothers him and we don't talk about things.
WH called tonight from the station. It felt nice that he called us. He was in a pretty good mood. They had been really busy all day long and even busy when he was on the phone with us. We talked about a lot of different things, especially what he needed or wanted to do when he was at the house tomorrow. We talked about the good afternoon that I had yesterday after my university supervisor visited. He said it was good and glad to hear it. It felt a little bit more like a normal conversation we used to have. I made sure to let him talk to DD before he got called out on a run or something and then he called DS on his cell phone.
The whole conversation, the fact that he called, and the fact that he was talking about being here at the house tomorrow evening made me feel much calmer and less sick to my stomach. It really bothered me him not calling last night and I wish I knew what was going on yesterday morning and last night. I could analyze everything that goes on, but then the house would not be good for tomorrow and everything would not be ready for him to come over. Dishes to do, toilets to scrub, and things to pick up. Oh yeah, and I need to study for my big exams that I have on Saturday!! Guess I better do that since I paid $200 just for the privilege of taking the tests!!! LOL!!!
Sounds like you have tonight's preparations well underway. You've really got the hang of this Plan A thing.
Time to finish exposure and begin preparations for Plan B, since I think you'll be ready for that soon. It may take a few weeks to get all your ducks in a row, which is why it's going to be important to finish exposure quickly: you can get all of his anger out of the way and be settled back into your current rhythm before dropping the bomb.
Meanwhile, even after his anger has come and gone, exposure will still be doing its work.
Prayerful.... I see you growing everyday.. Becoming stronger and wiser... Awesome! Praise God!
BTW.. did you know the song I sent? If not give it a listen/watch here..
A little side note... the woman in the blue shirt that sings the great line "No weapon formed against me shall remain" Lost her first child by miscarriage a short time before making this video... she said she didn't feel moved during rehearsals but felt VERY moved by the spirit during this video.
What a testament to her love and faith in God...to live through that terrible loss and still sing these words.....we can all learn....
"All of my life, in every season... YOU ARE STILL GOD I have a reason to sing... I have a reason to worship...."
PH... I had not heard the song before. I enjoyed it very much. Thanks for the praise of growth and development. I frequently feel a little stronger. I have up and down days and it is kind of funny that my up days seem to be my moms down days and vice a versa.
Been a little inactive in my posting for a few days because I had my big teaching exams today. Well, they are now over and can go back to being more active in every other part of my life. Friday was really hard because WH was not there to give me his strength and support for the tests in person. I sent him a text before my tests started that said that my stress levels were really high because I was getting ready to walk in the door to the test. He texted back, "U will be fine!" Felt good to hear him say that.
Thursday evening went really well with WH and kids. They had the dinner and everything that I had made for them, he did all the laundry for us, and swept the house, along with the couple of repair projects he wanted to do. I am pretty sure that he was here ALL day on Thursday!! I got home about 10pm and he was asleep on the couch. I rubbed the top of his head and his neck to wake him up. He looked at me and smiled when he woke up. WH sat for a few minutes and then said he needed to get going because he was coming back early in the morning to get the kids on the bus. He was exhausted when he came back in the morning.
When he got here just before I left, he got a text. He had a weird look on his face and I asked if everything was OK. He said he got a text but didn't understand it. I said ok, have a good day at work and gave him a hug before leaving for school.
I have been watching the cell phone bill and have noticed that over the last 3 days, WH has been sent/received 159 texts (and he is not a big texter/caller/talker himself). I checked all the phone numbers on the recent cell phone bill and found something interesting. One of the phone numbers that he called was to an apartment rental place on February 24th. This was shortly before the weekend he went to his parents and just after getting his PT job (I also informed him that I was starting counseling before this time). Interesting???
We had a great conversation tonight. He was happy and very talkative. He was asking about my tests and just things that were going on. He had mentioned to DS about taking DS and DD somewhere tomorrow. I knew nothing about this. Tonight when I talked with him, I asked that he just call me first before saying things to them about going out so that I can say whether we have plans or not. I said I would never not let him take the kids somewhere on his time off that he has, but that I would prefer to let him know if we all ready have plans or am planning something myself before having to either say no to him and the kids (looking like the bad guy-didn't say that to him) or to reschedule my plans. I started to say something else and he just quickly said, "no problem. I understand. Nothing else needs to be said." We talked for several more minutes before passing the phone off to DS. DD did not want to talk tonight. Overall, GREAT interaction with WH tonight and for the past several days. He is choosing to spend more time with the kids and on a Sunday which he knows is VERY difficult for all of us. More and more time is coming to our family than to any other possible person (if there is someone still active, falling apart, who knows).
Also, reminded him about MIL's birthday which I had forgotten, but we called tonight. It was a couple of days ago. He had forgotten and said "thanks for reminding me".
There is still someone active, count on it. However, it is an active someone who is growing increasingly dissatisfied with her shrinking role.
At first she will rejoice when you go to PB, because finally she will have him all to herself. That is when things will begin falling apart in earnest.
She is not enough to make up for what he will be losing.
I don't doubt that there is someone still active with all the NUMEROUS texts from someone that is not a huge texter/talker/etc. He just [i][/i]may not still be living with her or looking to maybe not live with her.
It's been the usually bad Sunday for me. Sometimes wish that this was all over AND that he was back at home working with me on our M. (Know I can't have that right now and am just having to vent my frustrations!) The worst part of all of this is I get emotionally drained from having to care about everything with the kids 100% of the time, 24 hours, 7 days a week (awake or asleep) and he doesn't have to. When he emailed about staying with the kids one evening a week, he stated that he just couldn't be there for the kids emotionally because he couldn't afford to take them places. Several days later, it hit me, "What the h***, when do I get to not be here for the kids emotionally ! I'm drained and frustrated with finances, him not being here, taking care of EVERYTHING for EVERYONE ALL THE TIME!!!!! (OK...yelling and venting over.)
Positive for the day...he is coming this afternoon to pick up the kids for a movie. Will invite him to stay for dinner when they get home.
Maybe it is a wayward thing, maybe it is a guy thing...I don't know. I just felt like I got kicked in the stomach. DS's birthday is next week. My parents offered to put our names on an IPOD touch that they got for our DS since we are struggling with money. My mother had originally said that she would put our DD's and my name on the gift and I said that I couldn't do that and not put WH's name on it too.
WH came in cause I said that I wanted to talk about DS's birthday in an email (at least it means he read it). He told me to go ahead and put my name on the ipod because he thinks he found a tv for DS to replace the one in his room that doesn't work real well from him. I don't know if him putting the TV only from him is his way of hurting me or if he just didn't think about it hurting me. Here I couldn't put my name on a gift that didn't have his name on it and he has no problems with it. Granted it is not a new, big tv, but is a used one off craigslist, but that really hurt.
At this point, I think I'll tell my parents to give him the ipod, WH can give him the tv, I'll get DD a CD to give to him, and I won't do anything. I can't give DS a gift just from me. We have never done that!! Wow...this one hurts bad!! He told me that once he found out his schedule, we could plan when we will celebrate DS's birthday.
Going out to buy stuff to make nice dinner hoping that WH will join us. Really kind of hard after that interaction. I mean, he was nice about everything, but...wow. Hurt bad!!
Hon, you are expecting too much from a wayward. It doesn't even cross his mind that you are stressed, studying, and taking care of the kids 24/7. It's all about HIM right now.
Thank your parents for buying the iPod, and put your name on it. Don't worry what hubby does.
And the sooner you expose, the sooner you will throw cold water on the affair.
Hon, you are expecting too much from a wayward. It doesn't even cross his mind that you are stressed, studying, and taking care of the kids 24/7. It's all about HIM right now.
Thank your parents for buying the iPod, and put your name on it. Don't worry what hubby does.
And the sooner you expose, the sooner you will throw cold water on the affair.
Wait a minute...do you mean that we're at 25 pages of posts and the A hasn't been exposed??? Prayerfulmom, why not?
Prayerful, you cannot keep pretending there is no affair, you must expose it to his work, everyone he knows, his friends, church congregation, her landlord, all relatives, everyone, and provide everyone her name and where she lives, works and her phone numbers.
It is way past the time where you should have done this. You are suffering now for nothing since he is not going to come back by you just "waiting for the affair to end on its own". It is like kid's hair lice, it does not go away on its own. Strong medication is needed for it to go away.
I cant believe the nerve of him saying he has no money, what has he been spending it on? A new apt to have sex with her? Her clothing and food? What?
Due to the vagaries of her and his schedule, the only day she can follow him is on a Sunday, unless she follows B's suggestion to take DS for a drive.
Since this is Sunday, I'm REALLY hoping that by day's end she'll be posting that she has the info, one way or the other.
It's getting to the point that I'd rather see DS mildly involved than to keep dragging this on without leveling the most powerful weapon possible dead-on at the A.
Maybe it is a wayward thing, maybe it is a guy thing...
Probably a little of both I think... As a man I am SURE I would NOT want my in-laws under ANY circumstances to by a gift and put MY name on it... My DS would have to be happy and appreciate what his daddy bought him. As for whether or not I think YOU should take this as a "bad sign"... I'm not sure...if it were me...in the very same position (minus the wayward part I can't relate to )
I guess it would actually feel unselfish of me to allow YOU to be on the "special" gift and not deprive you of the "glory" of THAT gift just because MY manly pride won't allow me to be on it...
I have exposed everything I know to his family (which really upset him, especially that I shared this with his sister), most of my family, important people at his work, but haven't been able to expose to anyone from her side because I only know her first name and the information that I have is limited. I did drive DS by the area that I thought the apartments were and he did say which ones he went to with WH. WH has kids right now, so won't be able to do anything now. He will be at home tomorrow evening and I have clients over there. Plan to go over after I see clients to find out.
No. I just get a text count, no numbers available for our plan. OK...well he left after coming in and talking for a few minutes still making plans for DS's birthday. He is weirdly in a really good mood. I am not afraid to expose A for fear of him being upset/angry/etc. I don't know that I should tell everyone at the stations on all shifts just out of spite for things, but have contacted his captain, especially the one he does side jobs with and a few other people that are important there.
I have exposed A to our pastor (actually made him do that at our meeting), but I struggle telling people at the church because, well, I don't really get along with most of those people anyway so I would think it would give them just another reason to not like me or something. There are a couple of people in my family (especially my grandmother whose in her mid to late 70's) that I haven't told because I won't be able to deal with them trying to smother me. I want to give his family a swift kick in the butt to become more active in the situation than they are. I have been talking with his mother and just sent his sister asking her to please talk to him about things. She hasn't emailed or called him since finding things out.
Don't know what else to do until I find out who she is.
Would your parents have money to lend you to buy a GPS to put on hubby's car? That is a fool-proof method of finding out. You install the GPS and it will send real time info to your computer of where hubby's car is. I know funds are tight right now, but it may be that hubby is spending your family funds on the OW.
How much is a GPS and how do you install it? I never have any time where I am around his vehicle to do anything since he doesn't live at home right now.
Put out a thread asking for GPS info. I'm not an expert, but know that many here have used one. You just need to get it into the car, under the backseat, or under the bumper and it transmits all info on where the car is, what stops it takes and for how long, to your home computer. As I recall, you can get one for about $250.
Do you have a friend who could follow him leaving from your house? Or to stay with your kids while you jump in the car and follow him? Since you know the general area he's in, he'll be easier to follow than if you had no idea.
If your friend pulled up 2 seconds after he drove off and you borrowed the friend's car, he'd be less likely to notice than if you were in your own car.
If he comes over and falls asleep, maybe you'll be able to get a look at his phone.
What cell plan do you have? Please tell me it's Nextel.
AJ says if you're in a major city you can get a prepaid Boost Mobile phone. Leave the phone on and put it in his car. The one below is $129.99 and pay as you go, cheaper than many GPS's.
This is a crazy idea but what if you had one of those unlimited plans on a phone you could hide way deep in the driver side of the car...then LEAVE IT ON! Leave the channel open for a day or two....You would hear what he said to her every day! Probably a crazy idea.
Will work and check into those ideas!!! Think I finally have MIL motivated into calling WH to at least just talk. No one on their side is even calling him. They are sitting there and just waiting for things to happen. The only thing that they have been doing is calling and talking to me (nice support but dang it...call your son and read him the riot act on a regular basis!!!!!!). That was the clean version of what I was thinking...fyi! LOL!
When he falls asleep, his phone is still right on his hip. He never takes it off. I'll try tonight the search for him without following him. As far as a friend, I don't know who that would be for certain. I don't have a whole lot of friends that wouldn't be obvious to him.
I will call and check on that. I will also have to check to see if I can make the changes because the account is in his name only. I could enable GPS on his cell phone, but a text gets sent to his phone if I do this. If I can get the phone away from him at any time to enable GPS and delete the text, I will do that, but am checking into the other ideas as well.
Great interactions with WH tonight when he was here when I got home from work. Talked for a good 15 minutes before he left. Got a smile when he saw me, got my one armed hug before he left, and got a squeeze of the hand to when I reached out to touch his hand.
Ok...I am going to ask a question here for my own educational purposes (Not that I am expecting anything at this point yet, just truly curious) so please don't beat me up for asking. LOL. I am the type of person that likes to know what to expect, plan for, and what's normal.
If and when a WS decides they want to R, especially one that has moved out of the house, how do they usually approach that subject. Do they come back with bags in hand? Do they move back in unannounced? Do they try to talk to BS? What is typical? I was just curious to know what might happen if WH decides that he would like to come back home and work on R of the M.
They usually DO come back to the marriage, so that is in your favor. What brings them back is a great Plan A (including exposure) followed by a strong Plan B.
He WON'T come back right now - so don't get your hopes up. When you think about it, why should he? He thinks he has the best of both worlds, a loving family and his whore.
IMHO, they don't come back fully wanting you in plan A, seems those ones lead to false recoveries. Plan B makes more of an impact after a great plan A.
As to how they come back... they vary, but usually saying something along the lines of "I'll do whatever it takes..."
Well...had an interesting phone call with WH tonight. Needed to call him to check some scheduling things for the week with him. I said it sounded like he was busy and he could call me later if he needed to. He said that he was just walking a dog. Well, I know for a fact that she has a cat, because DS and DD told me so, and no dog was mentioned. He agreed to watch the kids on an additional night that I needed him to in order to do something for work (paid, which is always good!!). Who's dog is it???
Another interesting fact...Thursday texts-45, Friday texts-34, Saturday texts-95, Sunday texts-6, Monday texts-5. This was after taking any texts out from me. Interesting??? (Just comments, not hoping or expecting!)
Good - don't expect anything. Hubby could be walking the cat, who knows? You are setting yourself up for disappointments by watching the texts. The affairees have ups and downs, and also could be that the days without excessive texts they were together.
It could be just a neighbour's dog and he is house sitting. I really wouldn't think about it too much. But I did have a good laff thinking of it as POSOW with a doggie face.
The text thing also doesn't mean too much. You also should know the stats on WS coming home with Plan A alone. That is 15%. That means that you are MORE likely to have to go to Plan B.
Don't get discouraged though, this Plan B thing isn't all bad. Some things are good. I'll tell you more about that as you get prepared for it.
He can hate cats, and maybe he is walking an elephant, or maybe he is not telling you the truth. He isn't home, spends little time with his family and is having an affair.
You are doing well, so continue on the MB plan A with EXPOSURE. That is where your energy needs to go.
FWIW, I could always tell when they were together because the texts would all but dry up. Don't let it fret you. You've gotta find out where she lives and who she is.
Have you tried doing a background check on your WH to see if any new info pops up? Just brainstorming here....there's always a way, somehow.
If all else fails (you aren't there yet), ask WH point-blank for her info, and tell him you want to make sure she doesn't have a criminal record, in case the children are ever exposed to her.
Let's see...are you sure none of the numbers on the bill are hers? Even if they're mostly texting, there's got to be a few calls in there, too.
WS's aren't that great at hiding stuff. Somewhere there is likely to be key information that you haven't recognized yet. Nothing against you, it's just sometimes you have to think so far outside the box that you wonder if there even is a box.
Haven't done a background check. Is there a specific place to do a reliable background check?
I don't know for certain that none of the numbers aren't hers, but very few actually repeat from month to month and the couple that do, I found out are people that he works with.
Intelius is pretty cheap, and will cross-reference his addresses with the people who live/lived in them. If he doesn't have anything in his name going to that address it might not show up yet, still I think it's worth a try.
Neak is right - I wouldn't assume that he has told you the truth about anything. An affair partner is usually someone the cheater works with, a "friend", someone they met through sports, activities, etc. Most people don't plan to have an A, they just get close to someone and then abandon boundaries.
I am 99% sure it is not someone that he works directly with because at the station there are only about 4 o 5 women. One is the chief of EMS and I know it would not be her (can't explain this without being mean to a person who really is nice, but I can guarantee it is not her), the one gal that I know well is married and have talked with her (she is pro our marriage), the rest, well, he is not their type (if you know what I mean).
It is possible that he met the OW at a hospital when they took a patient there, but they don't work directly together and wouldn't necessarily see each other every day as he may not even be on the ambulance. He no longer works the other part time jobs and haven't since the end of race season.
I have seen when he posted on some internet dating sites and he had a web cam (which I took away and hid the first time I knew he was looking on the internet and chatting with women). I made him take those particular "ads" or whatever you call them down and I kept trying to keep track of what he did on the internet to the best that I knew how at that time. (Didn't know about keyloggers then). I am pretty sure there was a HUGE gap between when I found those "ads" and when he met OW because he acted completely different and was significantly remorseful.
Today is a very bad day for me and I don't know why. I have been nervous and shaking all day long, I feel like I can throw up everything that I have eaten, and I have had to resist ALL DAY from texting him incessantly or emailing him non-stop. Every corner I turned after leaving school today I came across another fire truck from his department. I am sure that I passed by him one or two times today depending on which apparatus he is on today.
I have a horrible headache tonight. How do you deal with this situation? There is one person, a neighbor, that I have not said anything to about what is going on. She is the one I said something about earlier making me upset with a situation with my son. She had asked if everything was OK with WH and myself because she has had several people that she knows that recently have divorced without working on the M. My reasons for not exposing to her are as follows: 1. I am still upset at what she did to DS. 2. She is pretty much a nosy gossip and not sure truly cares about anyone. 3. She is a fare-weather friend who usually only contacts me when she needs something. 4. Her kids can be mean and nasty to DS without a reason and I truly think that they would be even nastier to DS if they knew about things.
I feel that I am protecting DS by not saying anything to her. DS (and DD) are both suffering enough as it is and the last thing they need are these mean and nasty kids making things harder on them when I want to work on things and the kids want things to work out.
P.S. He did call his mother last night. 90% sure it was for her B-day, but the conversation lasted over 35 minutes and he called her. Hope MIL calls me tonight about their conversation or at least to tell me that she did talk to him.
Partially, I think there was a lot of things going on when he finally got (what he would consider) a real job/career. He went through 5 years of constant rejection by fire departments, over and over and over... I think he suffered from some depression through all these years and never viewed the jobs that he did have as good, real, manly jobs. I know that he did stop that stuff for a long time after I confronted him, not by what he said, but by the things he did (not spending excessive time on the computer by himself in the bedroom, etc.). It took him months before he noticed the web cam was gone also.
This episode happened after her got his job at the fire station and he was the oldest in his recruit class and his nickname was grandpa. We talked about a lot of things right after that. I then got frustrated a lot while I was going to school, working, etc., etc., etc. and withdrew a little bit from him again.
You expose to people you feel will have some influence to put pressure on the A. It doesn't sound like this woman is the right person to rely on. If she was his mother I'd say tell her anyway just so she knows, but hey, she's practically a stranger. (She sounds pretty strange. )
Go very easy on yourself tonight. Give yourself a break from Plan A unless he calls, and simply avoid lovebusters. Sleep well, and resume in the morning.
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the one gal that I know well is married and have talked with her (she is pro our marriage)
This is the first person I'd suspect, unless you have it ironclad that she's still living at home with her H, and your WH is 100% living with his OW.
Your theory about the hospital could be possible, too. And perhaps he quit his part-time jobs so no one would suspect he was having an A with one of the people there.
The online theory is possible, and has certainly happened before, but I just have the feeling he picked up this OW a bit closer to home: someone that he came to know personally in his own activities, and perhaps even someone you know.
Occasionally a WS will withhold the identity of the OP, and there's almost always more of a reason than just a generic urge for secrecy. For example the one poster that was on here just a little bit ago that first didn't want to tell her BH anything, then the last I heard she was planning to tell him she'd had an A but not tell him who. It was because the OM and his BW were good "friends" of theirs, and they had a business together. She was secretive to protect herself, (and the chance of continuing the A, too, even though she was never willing to admit that).
Honestly, I believe he is a man that has gotten lost and maybe going through mid-life crisis with this major change in his life. He has always been a worker and a blue collar worker. He got a career that he wanted (and I kept encouraging him to get) and started working with a bunch of 21 year old guys (most of whom aren't married and are constantly going out and doing whatever they want, when they want).
He has started demonstrating some different behaviors with us since all of this started, in a positive way. He comes around more frequently, he spends more time with the kids, he talks more to me, he actually responds to my emails and texts when I send them with more than one word or letter, he talks longer on the phone, and his whole demeanor is different.
The web-cam, internet dating sites, and chatting with women is very worrisome. It is so easy to find anonymous admiration on the internet.
By the way, how old is he? How long working for the FD? I'm sure you know that FD & PD people have lots of problems with infidelity. It is the nature of their jobs - many crises, being in peoples' homes, hero- worshiping, the odd hours, general acceptance in the culture of their jobs.
Most men need lots of admiration, so concentrate on that. And keep trying to get info. A GPS in his car is your best bet.
I've always wanted to buy one, just to have it to lend to people on MB. When my WH was having his affair, money was a problem, and I drove myself crazy trying to find out the truth.
Yes, I do know that she is at home with her H and kids. If it is someone that he did not meet on the computer, I would say it would be someone from the hospital. He didn't quit the PT job, really, he was an EMT at all the racing events and when they were over, he didn't get any requests to work until race season starts again.
Neither one of us really have any recreational activities or particularly good friends. We have just always worked really hard. I can't imagine that it would be anyone from church, because most of the people there kind of annoy him.
He is 36yo just like me and we have been married for 16 years. I know very well about the infidelity thing with FD and PD. I watched and listened to all the problems with those jobs after 9/11 and all the people that left spouses that got left because of people that were rescued by the FD or PD.
I am concentrating on the admiration aspect. I think I am going to ask my mom to see if she will pay for the credit report (even if I pay her back) because I don't want him to see it come out of the account. I am working on the cell phone/GPS thing for this weekend or early next week when I see him to put in his truck. Yeah, it would be nice to have a GPS to pass around to others as they go through this bad experience.
Seriously, Neak, I wanna get one. I have to study up. From time to time, I've read reviews here of the different types. I want one that you can put in a car, or attach under a bumper, and then it sends realtime reports of where the car is, where it stops.
When I was trying to find out if my WH was cheating, I bet a spent enough in gas to buy one, and it went on for months and months. So unsettling!
I don't know how lending it out would work - because you might send it out and never get it back. THAT is the problem.
I'm with ya! I know what you mean about the worry of not getting it back, though - it wouldn't even necessarily be from any wrong intent, just maybe slipping through the cracks in all the insanity of Plan A, PB, and R. (Or a naughty WS finding and destroying it.)
It would be nice if we could find something cheap enough that it wouldn't be prohibitive to lose, kinda like Gladware. (Loved those commercials of the moms chaining their tupperware to the children!)
Interesting facts about today...DS and DD had appointments with counselor today and WH was taking them. Originally, I had stated that I would meet him over there thinking that way he didn't have to bring them all the way back home and if C wanted to talk to us about anything we would both be there. WH said that he would just bring the kids home to me after they were done. Usually, sessions last 30 minutes each for the kids. DS called me around 7:20pm and stated that daddy went into the room (with the door closed) to talk with C. After they got home and WH left for the evening, DS told me that daddy was talking with the C for over 20 minutes.
I talked with the kids about their sessions and there was nothing really discussed with the kids that she would have been talking to him about for 20 minutes, and when she has talked with me after the kids sessions, we have never gone back into her room with the door shut and just for a few minutes. Maybe he had an appointment for himself to talk with her. (No expectations, just considering that it could possible be a good thing. She is the same counselor that I go to and I told her from the start that I had no problem with anything that I have said him knowing.)
DS came down with the flu about 4am this morning. Had to clean up the mess, get him tylenol and sprite, and try to get him back to bed. Finally did about an hour later and he slept until I woke him up. At 4am, thought it might just be a migraine, but after he took his shower and had some other issues (WH least favorite word) I called my mom to have him spend the day with him instead of sending him to school. He even said he didn't care that he was missing wiffle ball or his band try-outs, big sign that he was sick!!!
DS was talking with my mother yesterday when he was at home sick. He told my mother when they were talking about WH that since WH has been coming back around and spending more time at our house with them he told them that he wants to come back home or something along those lines. By the time my mom called me, she couldn't remember the exact wording he used, but when he told her, the first thing she thought was why would he say that to DS if he was certain that he was not ever coming back home.
No expectations, but I did find the conversation interesting and it didn't happen until recently (within the last two weeks).
My dear, you keep saying "no expectations" while you are in the midst of spending time thinking about what each of hubby's smallest actions might mean.
Just a warning that it is better to concentrate on working on YOU (and exposure). Hopes constantly being dashed is a real love killer.
My ex got up in front of our church and asked for prayers for our reconciliation. That same night I caught him in bed with the OW.
Agree with B - focus on the big picture. Every reaction he has, whether it seems good or bad at the time, is a sign that your plan is working.
That's why you need to press forward and complete it: expose to OW's family, finish up Plan A, go to Plan B.
Making those 3 things happen needs to be your priority.
I won't be around tomorrow - gotta go play for a whole bunch of kids at a music/competition thingy. My older 2 are in it, singing, which will be good, and playing trombone and flute, well hey, they've only been playing for maybe 2 months now.
Honestly, it was an awful weekend for me. I felt like my son did not have a very good birthday weekend. Saturday evening after we had his neighborhood friends over to celebrate, I got upset with him because he then ran off without his cell phone and I was having to chase him down. We both started crying and blaming ourselves for what was going on. After I got him into bed and we were saying prayers, he said the only present that he wanted was for daddy to come home. I told him that he needed to have that discussion with him when they are driving home from the birthday party on Sunday evening.
At church on Sunday, we learned that our pastor was going to be retiring from our church. He will be there only two more weeks. Our children asked me why daddy did not come to church any more. I told them both that they needed to discuss this with daddy because I have an idea of why he doesn't go, but only he could tell them. I shared that our pastor was leaving the church with WH and he was asking why. I told him that he did not feel like he could grow the church as the leader of it. We had a discussion about this when he was here at the house for DS's other birthday party with his friends from school. WH came and had pizza and cookie cake with us and then he took the boys to play laser tag. When they got home from laser tag, he came in and helped put DS and DD to bed.
WH was feeling sick and achy. I offered to get him out his medicine that he likes to take and usually makes him feel better. He took it with him when he left. I walked out to the truck with him to say good bye. I went in and talked with DS and to say his "special prayer" if he wanted to. DS said that he talked to WH about wanting him home as his only birthday present and DS said that daddy said that it probably wouldn't happen for his birthday. Well, obviously today is his birthday and WH is not home.
WH was supposed to be at the station today, but called in sick (not something he normally does, but there are certain things that you can't take care of if your on a run). DS got sick in the middle of the night again and woke up with a stomach ache and needing to go in and out of the bathroom. So DS spent his birthday at my mother's house sick. I had told WH that I would let him know about the kids (DD had been sick all weekend with restroom issues- however, going to the bathroom is always a sign of not feeling good because we deal with severe constipation issues with her and she only goes 1 or 2 times a week clogging every toilet in the house when she does go). Questioned whether she would go to school or not, but she did go and stayed all day.
So...to recap, everyone, but me, is sick at this point. Praying that I don't get sick until at least Saturday (which means I miss my paid job, but make every day of student teaching). I feel like the whole birthday for DS has been a disaster. Nice interaction with WH during Sunday evening birthday party.
Sorry your son's BD wasn't the best ever. But he will have many more, and hopefully better ones.
It's hard when everyone is sick, so just hang in there. Later you can do some snooping, because I guarantee that you will remain in limbo until you find out what is going on and EXPOSE.
I want to caution you to guard your thoughts. Your above post is full of hopes and expectations of a quick resolution. Even if you're not aware of your expectations, they keep leaking out.
Give your expectations and timelines over to God. Your chances of winning the war and restoring your M are excellent overall. Your chances that it will happen by this date or that other date are very small. Put it in God's hands. He knows what will happen, and will give you the strength you need for each day between now and then.
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Saturday evening after we had his neighborhood friends over to celebrate, I got upset with him because he then ran off without his cell phone and I was having to chase him down. We both started crying and blaming ourselves for what was going on.
This is concerning. You need to clear this up with your DS asap. He needs to know that none of this is his fault, and none is your fault. How confusing it must have been to hear you affirming his misunderstanding that somehow anyone else besides WH was to blame.
I don't say this to beat you up at all, but only to direct your handling of situations like this in the future. What he always needs to hear from you is that it isn't his fault, it isn't your fault, and that only WH is responsible for his choices to leave the family.
Then come on here and rant all you want to. We'll pat your head and reassure you that it wasn't your fault, and support you so you can be strong for the kids.
The load you're carrying is heavy enough. Don't pick up anyone else's burden besides.
I definitely want resolutions to the horrible mess and know that it is not in my time frame. I do feel that I have somewhat handed this situation over to God, but I am sure that things sometimes leak out here when I am talking about what is going on. Nothing helps that I am exhausted, frustrated, saddened, and actually think I may be coming down with what everyone else has tonight and don't have time to. This weekend was really hard because I just felt awful for DS.
As far as the situation with DS, I have repeatedly told him that all of this is not his fault, but am pretty sure that he doesn't fully believe it. It's hard to tell him that this is not my fault because I am hoping that it makes him feel less like it's his fault. I do let him know that WH is the one who left and that I want him to come home. I do hold a significant part of the blame for the situation because of the financial part that I played in keeping this a secret from him. I know that WH made the choice to go outside the marriage (children do not know this now) and that he made the choice to leave the family.
I definitely need the strength right now to get through these fews days with everyone sick, not getting enough sleep, extra stuff to do with unclogging toilets (repeatedly from our children) and extra laundry with everyone getting sick. Maybe now that his birthday is almost over (tonight) I will have a little more strength and a more positive attitude about things. I think more than blaming myself for the current situation with WH and myself, I was blaming myself for not giving him a good birthday.
All Right...some of this may not make much sense and I might have said things in a way that I didn't mean since my mind is possibly being taken over by fever. I will listen to what you guys have to say and also re-read this post after I am feeling better to make sure that I really said what I meant.
PFM2- Neak was simply trying to point out something that she could see in your posts to enlighten you and help you. It just is something you may need to give thought to and figure out why she would say that.(Sorry to talk for you Neak, but when I read that I "saw" what you meant and remembered that I was like that too).
Please don't think that ANY of this is your fault. Yes your M wasn't what you would call a fulfilled M before the A. Were you partly responsible for that? Sure. Are you working at figuring out how to have a fulfilled M for both you and your H. You BETCHA. Don't focus on that part. Learn what you can and grow.
As far as what DS feels, do you mean that he doesn't know that WH had an A? If that is the case, it makes me really sad. You need to tell him PRONTO(well maybe not tonight that would RUIN his Bday). DS knows that SOMETHING is wrong and when kids aren't told the truth they will internalize it and blame them self. If you aren't telling him that the reasons for your problems are the A, then he will think it is him. Just think about this. I know you have a lot to think about and you may be getting sick.
Naw, you're right on, Scotty. And the main reason I bring it up when I see it whether it's you or anyone else, is warding off the Disappointment Monster. He lurks in the Forest of Expectation and saps much-needed energy from Betrayed Princesses, energy they need to battle the Adultery Dragon. Repeated attacks can be even more draining, sometimes even leading to a trip on the Path of Phooeyonyou.
And you took the words right out of my mouth about telling the kids. Even children as young as 4 or 5 can understand that Mom or Dad has a girl/boyfriend and that's not ok. Bigger kids understand much more, and have a realistic reason for the destruction of their family. Without that understanding, they will always blame themselves, no matter what anyone else says.
PM, rest and try to beat this bug. There may be a few opportunities for some easy Plan A stuff that present themselves, but mostly just worry about you and avoid lovebusters. Anything else till you're well is just icing.
It's extra difficult trying to deal with all this while you're not feeling good. As soon as you're feeling better, you can get back to work.
(FYI...this is a scream and rant because, well, I need it)
My WH is an a**!!!!!
I needed that after today. I sat through an IEP case conference for one of the students that I work with and had to fight every second to not bust out balling my eyes out. The parents were divorced and both attending the meeting. I watched the student trying to make eye contact with her dad (when her mom wasn't looking) and give him a smile and a small wave when he did look at her. You could see that she didn't want her mother to see, almost as if she would have been in trouble if she indicated that she was glad to see her dad. Her dad did not say one word during the entire conference, probably because he was afraid to say anything to upset the mom or maybe she would have jumped all over him if he did.
This broke my heart ever thinking that things like this might ever be in my children's future. I had to wait until after school when I could call someone and ball my eyes out, yell and scream, etc.
Like I said, this was just me venting some more before wanting to go out and cause harm to WH. Have more to say, but will have to come back as my computer battery is going to die, didn't get home until after 8pm, and needing to take my shower.
You are doing fine. Just the fact that you are able to do so well at work is very encouraging. The affair will end as they almost always do, you can count on that.
Not feeling well again. Granted it doesn't help that I woke up at 3am and was not able to go back to sleep at all. Won't be able to go to bed until 11pm or later tonight plus worked student teaching all day and two clients afterwards. Exhaustion or actually sick?? Who knows?? Of course, not feeling well makes me feel even more depressed about everything going on. DD called and left me a message on my cell when I was in my last client. It took 3 minutes to finally say what it was she wanted, but she said "I hope you have a good day" followed by a bunch of babble that included love you and a few other things like that. Cried all the drive home (30 minutes). Killing me slowly!!
Give yourself a couple more days to get better, in case you're just sick, and then it's probably time to start making preparations for Plan B.
Even during the prep time, you can probably get in another good, solid 2 weeks or so of a superb Plan A, especially if there's a concrete end in sight.
Over the weekend, if you feel better, we can start helping you make up a list of what you need to do before you go dark.
Plan A is so draining, and you'll want to be sure to conserve enough energy to work on R when it's time for that.
Do I wake up every night??...I wake up at different points every night, but not usually to stay. I have had a history of insomnia growing up and it would usually only last a couple of days and the longest was I think 2 to 3 weeks.
Today was a rough day for me...first off, forgot about DS's tuba lesson. Fortunately, DS remember while my mom was driving him to school. I had her write a note and sign my name to it. (I know, not right thing to do, but no other options at that point.) This was supposed to be my only day to be able to come straight home from student teaching. Well, after picking DS up from tuba lessons, got a phone call from DD's Daisy troop leader and I had forgotten to send a note for them to pick her up to go on their field trip. So...DD got off the school bus and I had to throw her in the car and drive over to the dentist office for the tour. Stayed with her until it was over and then came home.
What should have been a relaxing afternoon turned into a nightmare of all my mistakes. I am exhausted tonight. I still have quite a bit of planning to do for my students tomorrow because they actually worked extremely hard and have a great chance of winning their reward and getting to play a math game instead of doing all paper/worksheet work. Rough on me, but great for them.
Kinda of struggling with feeling the desire to go to IC session for myself tomorrow. I know I need to but the desire is not there. The easier appointment will be Saturday for the kids because it doesn't involve me having to talk about myself. I know a lot of this is being tired from lack of sleep and sickness.
WH just called from the station like normal. He talked to me for a little bit and then asked if DD wanted to talk. When I told her daddy was on the phone, she didn't want to talk. WH told me next time to just say that she has a phone call and not tell her who it is. I don't know if he thinks she is dumb and won't know who it is or what. I just want to smack him and say "Get a clue buddy! Your daughter is starting to separate from you because you an a** and choosing OW over your own family!!!!" (OK rant over!)
He talked to DS and something upset DS because he got an attitude with WH. Obviously WH wasn't happy with him because I heard DS say sorry to him. Finished their conversation and then handed the phone back to me. Talked for a few more seconds about his schedule for the next week, and WH won't be able to see the kids much, if at all, for an entire week. Should be a real eye opener for him. I will say I took the opportunity to tell him that he could just come over and hang out for a little bit with us at home if he wanted. He made a comment that sounded like "OK, maybe" but gave no true commitment.
I don't think that I posted this yet, but MIL, FIL, SIL invited the kids and I up to their house for nephew's confirmation at church (I am his sponsor) and then to celebrate Easter afterwards. WH is working at the station on Sunday so it was known from the start that WH would not be able to go. But to say they were going to go ahead and celebrate Easter on that day means that they are not likely going to have another Easter with WH and the kids. I (somewhat)asked or maybe told WH that they had invited us for the confirmation/Easter since it is his family and said that I was considering going. I wanted to make sure that he didn't have a true problem with it. His statement was that he would be working at the station and couldn't go and didn't have plans for Easter with his family. Don't know how WH viewed this invitation to the kids and I. We are going.
I asked/mentioned to WH that I didn't know what he was thinking about Easter. He didn't really make any real comment about things. We were also invited to go to see my brother and SIL in North Carolina for my nephew's birthday. I will be working and so will WH but I was checking with him to see if he would have any problems with the kids going with my parents down for the birthday. He hummed and hawed for a little bit about whether he was OK or not. It is at the end of their spring break so it is not like it will effect school. He finally said that he was OK with it. When I told him we were all invited, his comment was that he, of course, couldn't go because of working on any nice days that he can with all these outside jobs.
Sounds like you are still maintaining. What I meant about waking up in the middle of the night is if it happens consistently, and you can't go back to sleep, it is a sign of depression. I used to wake up at 3:00AM on the dot, then wouldn't fall asleep until about a half hour before I had to get up for work. It was awful.
Be sure and go to your in-laws for Easter. Try to take pictures and have them around the house. Then you can also let him know how much FUN it all was. All the things he is missing won't sink in right away, but will build up. Count on that.
Thanks! We will be going up on Sunday. The easy part is saying that WH is working (because he is). The hard part will be not breaking down and crying like I always seem to do. We will take pictures and place them around the house and the kids will be able to share about all their fun.
Just thought that I would give a quick update since it seems to have been forever since posting anything.
Had a good Sunday at WH's parent's house. The hardest part was being at church with people who have known WH for years and kept asking questions, telling me how much DS looks just like WH (and he does), and people who were not sure about who I was asking if I was the daughter in law of his family. I was nice because I really wanted to say something like "I still hope so" but didn't.
Had a chance to talk with MIL and SIL about everything. They know the full story and order of when and how things started which they did know for 100%, i guess, along with not fully being clear on the fact that he was living with OW. Nice change of place, and as scary as this sounds since IL's and I have not had a great relationship in the past, I did not want to leave and have to come back to our house (hard to call it a home right now).
Did find out that he led MIL and FIL to believe she had some money, which is hard to believe since they are living in an apartment and not a house.
Now for the newest horrible experience...my mother went into the hospital this morning. She was taken by ambulance. Found out she has kidney stones. The size of the stones is gray as to whether they will pass on their own or not. I was student teaching when my dad called on my cell. Do not have the ringer on, but do check it frequently. My heart sank when I saw his number because he NEVER calls me during the day. When I got his message, it took everything I had not to break down and run out of the school and race to the hospital. The only thing that kept me from doing that is that I know my mom would have been mad and felt guilty if I missed any of my student teaching.
She is home from the hospital now and sleeping under heavy medications.
DS had baseball practice tonight and I went over to church to download the music to prepare for all the services this week. Talked with my pastor, who will only serve one more service before he suddenly retires (breaks my heart. The next worst relationship I have lost). Found out that WH met and talked with him extensively one day recently. My pastor told me about what all he had said and talked with WH about, but, understandably, not about what WH said back. I totally understand that as a matter of confidentiality.
OK, need to take my shower and send a goodnight text to WH. He has to work from 7:30am to midnight tomorrow after working a 24 hour shift at the station today. Then turns around and works 7-3 on Friday and has two yard jobs in the afternoon evening on Friday. He is picking DS up to help him, so I thought that I would pack them a little snack cooler when he comes to pick him up.
Forgot two things...WH responded to an email that I had sent to him about the kids and made an odd statement that since he is working so much, he is not "seeing" her much. My first response (only in my head with my tongue being bit) was "Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?" My poor tongue is going to be bruised or end up getting bit off because I bite it so much in order to not say the things I want. Didn't really know what to say so that I wouldn't say the wrong thing.
After texting WH about my mom because I didn't know if he would be at the hospital today while she was there, I talked to him when he texted me back to call him. He asked how "mom" was and not how "my mom". He has finished the last few phone calls with "see you" or "talk to you later" where before he would just say goodbye. Probably means nothing, but just noticed these things. He was in a very good mood at the station today both times I talked to him.
I know that they say that God doesn't give a person more than they can handle, but I think God forgot to write some of the cr** that I am dealing with down, because I don't think I can handle a whole h*** of a lot more!!!!!!!
(BIG VENT HERE AFTER DEALING WITH MY MOM'S EPISODE TODAY!!! REALLY TIRED OF BEING HIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER..........)
It was very frightening because she is a big help to me with helping to take care of the kids.
Student teaching ends after the first week of May and my electronic portfolio is due the week after. I am on Spring Break as of this afternoon through the following week!!!!!
It is amazing how bad my body is aching and hurting right now. I am assuming that I haven't relaxed in almost 13 weeks since starting my internship, WH moving out, and everything else that my body realizes that I have nothing required of me tomorrow so every muscle that has wanted to ache and hurt is.
Migraine, sore muscles, and truly exhausted in every physical and emotional way. Hot shower and then a good nights sleep!
I know how hard student teaching is. I did mine and never taught again. My mom did hers and was drop dead tired every night - couldn't even make dinner. And you have kids to care for.
We just keep reminding you (not that you have forgotten) that exposure is the most powerful weapon to end affairs.
I know and actually, my parent's got a new vehicle that WH doesn't know about. She asked me if I wanted her to follow him home one night after he has been here to find out his location. I told her that would work for me. She finishes her overnight rotations on Wednesday evening and will do it the next time after that when he is here.
Also, the kids are going with my parents to North Carolina from next Thurs. to Sun. and that will give me some time to do more snooping when I am done working on Fri. and Sat. because I will have to keep myself extremely busy with being completely alone for those days (other than my parents dog to care for).
As far as being exhausted, yeah. I have the kids and am working part time each day and Sat. with clients from my other job. First night I could have slept in and I was up til midnight and woke up again at 5:30am. Still have a bad migraine this morning. Maybe it is sinus related so I am going to try to take something for sinus/headache relief.
I love my student teaching placement and the kids that I am working with. The hardest thing yesterday was having to send a student in two different periods to the office for sleeping in resource class and keeping another student for lunch detention for attitude/sleeping in class/missing assignments. The first student we are trying to establish a pattern to try to assist him at home with parent not making sure he is able to get sleep in order to productive in school. I know it is for his own good, but he is such a good kid and incredibly smart when he focuses and applies himself a little.
my parent's got a new vehicle that WH doesn't know about. She asked me if I wanted her to follow him home one night after he has been here to find out his location. I told her that would work for me. She finishes her overnight rotations on Wednesday evening and will do it the next time after that when he is here.
Fabulous news! Now, no matter how badly she wants to, she needs to be sneaky and sly. No confrontations or letting him know that she found him out.
Good job on your student, too. Even bright students sometimes need a little help making good choices.
Oh...she won't confront him. She has done nothing that she hasn't asked me about first (ie. talking to him in the beginning, sending an email to him, etc.).
Found something interesting...the day my mom was transported to the hospital, WH asked how "mom" was when he talked to me on the phone. I later found an unknown number on the cell phone account and he had called the fire department that transported her to the hospital a little bit after I had let him know about mom going to the hospital by ambulance. My mom gets frustrated because just when she starts thinking bad thoughts about him, he seems to do something that shows he cares. I know that he knows people at that station and he had not had an update about my mom because I did not know anything myself at that point.
Found a new way to deal with my frustrations, get on the neighbor kids about cutting through my yard, handing their clothes on a tree that I am trying to grow (while their parents sit there and watch), bouncing balls on my plants, etc. I am shocked that they are playing basketball on my driveway and my kids aren't even out there playing with them. One of them has their own basketball goal and all their parents are just sitting there watching them. Really??? My kids aren't allowed to play on someone else's property without their child being out, but that is just me.
Why is this weekend so hard?? I am dreading Easter and struggling to even go get candy and presents for my kids. WH is working at his PT job all weekend, so at least he won't be with "her".
Had C appt. today for DS and then a little bit for me. We had an interesting discussion today. I was really concerned DS is not talking to or with anybody about the situation. She did a little more direct talking with him than usual. When C was talking with me before hand, she discussed something (with the exact wording from an email discussion that WH and I had THIS week) with me. I only know of the one time WH talked with C for 20 minutes after the kids session several weeks ago. If he isn't seeing C right now, then how did she get the exact wording like the email discussion WH and I had. (Emails were about the kids not R talk.) He also talked with the Pastor within the last two weeks also (right after IL's invited and I discussed it with WH the kids and I for Easter/Confirmation).
Having a real hard time with anger today! I am supposed to provide our children with a Happy Easter tomorrow and as DS said yesterday, "Nothing feels safe or good any more."
Not only are we supposed to have a Happy Easter, but tomorrow is the last day our pastor will be at our church. I am feeling abandoned once again and the safety is completely gone in my life. I love my WH and want this all to be over. I know that it takes time and am really just using this site in order to rant and rave right now because I am struggling to do the best for my children.
The only comfort I have is knowing that WH will be at work tomorrow and not with OW and her family.
OK, maybe I can feel a little better now and get everything ready for my kids Easter tomorrow. Finally, about midnight last night was actually able to by something for them. It was a very hard thing to do knowing that I was going to have to do it alone. I am feeling so alone right now.
You should feel alone because your dumb hubby has temporarily abandoned ship.
Glad you managed to get your kids something for Easter, and you can let them know that Easter is when we celebrate Jesus and what He did for us. Hope you have a wonderful Easter with your kids.
Well, I think the kids had an OK Easter today. Went to our Pastor's final service today. It was awful and hard. I need to write him a letter about how important a person he has been in my life, but it is really hard for me because I am now losing the second most important person to me (outside my kids). The first walked our home almost 3 months ago.
I had a hard time today. I did not know that my cousin was bringing her new boyfriend to Easter dinner at my grandmother's today. Watching them, I saw my husband and I in them. Watching them and their innocent love was hard on me.
WH was at home picking up his mowing stuff when we got back home. For the first time, he came to the door when he was ready to leave and told me goodbye (by name) and that he would be back later. He hasn't used my name in the months since he left and a few times he has actually left without telling me goodbye. He called later on and did not want to bring his trailer back to the house because it was full of lawn stuff and with the warm weather, he hated to have us deal with the smell. He actually talked to me for several minutes before asking if DD wanted to talk. She, of course, did not want to talk again tonight. It has been several days since she has been willing to talk on the phone with him.
He said that he should be able to come by tomorrow evening and "do something" with the kids. What that means is he will take them out and do something fun with them. He will look like the good guy because he did something fun with them, bring them back home and I get to be the b**** that has to tell them to clean their room, pick up stuff, etc. (A little Rant because I get tired of being the bad guy. I want to be able to only do fun stuff with them and not have to be the bossy pain in the butt!!) All I want to do is cry all the time.
Can't sleep right now and don't know when I will be able to tonight. It is way too hard right now to actually have this time off from school and work. I need to be very productive with getting spring cleaning done on the house and catch up on my homework that I have for school along with planning my lessons for the first week when I come back from Spring Break.
Oh PFM2, I understand about having to be the bad guy all of the time. But you know what? In the end, they will be grateful for it. I honestly believe that.
So where are you coming along on the snooping front? Any new details on OW?
My mom is on her rotation at the hospital (working overnights, but gets off her rotation soon). As soon as she gets off her rotation and WH will be over in the evening to see the kids (which is likely with him starting to be more active in the yard work stuff) she is going to follow him back to where he is staying. It should happen by the end of this week or the beginning of next week.
The nice thing is, with DS showing me where the complex was as we drove by one day, I will know if his living arrangements have changed. I don't know that they have, but he admitted in an email that he is "not able to see 'her' as much any more since working the PT job along with the yard business starting to build up". Initial reaction, "Aww, so sorry that you can't see her much any more", but was good enough to not actually share this reaction with him. I pretty much just did not acknowledge that statement.
I am sure there were teeth indentations in my tongue. It took all my will power to not do that or say something else snotty or sarcastic.
If my mom is able to find where he is staying, I am going to try and use her address and find out who she is to get as much information about her to expose on her side.
PFM2-It's good that you are thinking about this. Have you done all of the exposure on your(yours and WH) side?
If you find out it is someone he works with, would you expose at work? You need to think about these things now, because when you discover the info you may be too emotional to think straight.
If I do find out that OW is from work, I will expose at his work. I will be shocked if that is the case, but I will expose.
I played around with that website a little. Is it worth paying for information from a site like intellus (sp?)to get background information? How about a site for unknown cell phone numbers?
As far as taking care of myself, I am actually getting my hair highlighted tomorrow (and mom is paying for it). I am a little nervous. I did it in college and it was this horrible brassy blonde that came out and then one other time I had red put in. My hair seems to be somewhat chameleon, because after about a day, all of my hair turned red and you couldn't tell I had it highlighted. My hair changes color naturally from the time I walk in to get my hair cut to the time I leave. After a perm, it is completely different also. It is very odd, so I hope it is not a waste of money.
See what you have to work with. Intelius can be very good and is way cheaper than a PI, but I'd still run any info through the free sites first, and even Facebook, before even a good paid site.
Ahh...went out to my van this morning to go to my hair appointment. I had parked on the side of the street and found that someone decided to side swipe my van last night!! Another positive thing in my life. NOT!!! Called the cops to file a report and called to say I would be late to my appointment. Didn't take long for police to come so only a few minutes late to my appointment.
My mom loved my hair...the highlight, style, etc. I am having a hard time with it, just cause it was a change for me. I think I will like it when I have a chance to was and style it myself. It is VERY different for me.
Got my mom's scale because my daughter wanted it for some reason. When I stepped on it, found out I had lost 75lbs.!!!! I was completely shocked. I knew I am constantly still losing weight because I put clothes on that the week before fit well and now they are HUGE!!! I put a shirt on that I haven't been able to wear for well over 8 years and it was HUGE!!!! I have no casual clothes that fit me right now and unfortunately I have no money to buy some casual clothes for myself. Putting the kids needs first in the clothing area because their clothes get too small where mine are toooooooooo big. I weigh less now than I did 10 years ago!!
I won't, other than the fact that I had been trying to work on losing weight before all of this came into play. I could still lose another 30lbs and not have lost too much. I am eating fairly healthy, much more than I used to.
I haven't checked out thrift shops yet. I have been more concerned with work clothes up to this point and will focus on finding more casual clothes towards the end of student teaching in May because I won't be wearing them much until then.
Once your weight is stable, get rid of your bigger clothes. That will give you more incentive to keep exercising and keep the weight off. That's what I did. Was size 12 before D-day and now size 2. Donated EVERYTHING, and I had nice work clothes.
Thanks for the advice! I plan to because it is hard when everything is so big on me.
Had some interaction with WH today. He seemed to be a little angry/agitated/etc. Don't know why. He took the kids out to go bowling (aggravating since he is fun guy doing a fun activity ). DS said that WH was talking with DD when they were there. I talked with DD to see what was going on. She said WH was talking to her about not talking to him on the phone. She has been refusing to talk.
When I got home, WH was sleeping on the floor while DD was putting a wood block puzzle together. He was trying to stay awake to help, but kept dozing off. WH did not realize that I was standing right there (or maybe he did, but don't think so) when he asked DD if she missed him. It was a weird, unprompted question to her as I had been there for several minutes and he was not talking to her about anything like that. DD of course said yes. He then noticed me and said, "Oh, hi!" WH said to DD that they could finish that puzzle and then he would have to leave. DD actually told him not to worry or bother with helping her. WH said two more times to her about helping her with the puzzle. The second time, she made the same type of comment about don't worry that she would get it. The third time they did work and finish the puzzle together.
WH was pretty quite and cold towards me. Don't know why, but also thought later that this was the first time he had seen me since I had my hair highlighted, cut, new style, and dressed to show the 75lbs. that I have lost.
I have never gotten this much rest. I need to start retraining my body for school hours starting tonight. I am getting into a bad habit of staying up late and getting up late. I see clients starting today because the kids are all gone and out of town til Sunday morning.
Taking some of the kids clothes to a resale shop this morning to get rid of some of them and what I don't get rid of, I will put in a garage sale. Got to keep busy since alone for several days. I know I shouldn't be thinking this, but I wonder if I will hear from WH between now and when the kids come home. I am expecting him not to call and not to hear from him period that way there is definitely no disappointment. If he does call, I will actually be shocked and surprised. If he stops by, maybe my parents dog will bite him since she is here for the weekend.
He's also worried that your new appearance might be intended for someone besides him. Let him stew, though if he asks you point-blank, that's a good opportunity for a response like, "I believe in our marriage. We can still be happy together, as soon as there are only 2 of us in the picture."
I know this is a good thing, but I fight feeling good about it because of the situation with my M. I looked in the mirror today (and actually looked at myself) and kind of liked what I saw as far as the new hair and the weight loss. Unfortunately, I started feeling guilty about feeling good about myself right now with the mess my M is in.
How do I get over stupid things like that?? I want to feel good, but I don't want to feel good because I want my WH back and interested in me and looking at me and liking what he sees.
PFM2-A BONUS to Plan A. I started wearing makeup and dressing up. I bought myself some new clothes. I had many people telling me how good I looked(not WH). I have lost about 40lbs(I think, I NEVER weigh myself). I still get told I look good and guess what? I keep wearing makeup most days. I made changes in myself during my Plan A that have become part of who I am. See in Plan A, you are supposed to become who you WANT to be. You show your WH who that new and improved person is and the GREAT SIDE EFFECT is that you BECOME that person. Don't feel guilty about it. Grab o to those feelings when you are feeling down.
Thanks for those great words!! You have a way of making me feel like things are OK and can be OK with or without WH. (God I pray that WH stops being stupid and this person that he is pretending to be. I know who the real WH is and this is not him!!)
OK, I will try to take all the compliments in, hold onto them and continue to make me the real me that I want to be from here on out!! My mom said that she would buy me some new capris that fit so I can start feeling good in the clothes I wear and not have to make sure they don't fall off.
Don't know exactly why, but today has been an incredibly hard day. I am wondering my empty house feeling extremely lonely and sad. All I want to do is cry. WH is at the station today which means he's not with OW. Kids are still with my parents in North Carolina. Thank goodness I have drum circle tonight. That will keep me occupied for a couple of hours. First time at the church since our Pastor left. Have to plan the first service music since Pastor left. Not helping with the sadness, loneliness, and broken heart.
Oh well, didn't have anyone else to share with so thought I would post here.
Keep on keeping on. Sometimes when I feel down, I make a 'grateful list'. What am I grateful for today? It is so easy for us to focus on all the negatives in our lives given the current situation. It helps a lot to remember and think about the positives too.
Hate to NAG my dear, but it has been TWO MONTHS since you started this thread, and you still haven't found out who the OW is. You need to stop wandering around the house and get busy.
Yesterday, I drove through and waited at the apartments that my DS showed me when my WH took them. It was in the evening, but he must have been mowing yards until later than I stayed. I looked through all the directory of people that work at the station and at the other city offices for anyone that might be possible for him to have an A with. I did google searches on each of those people, but did not find anyone that I thought could be OW. Looked up addresses, divorces, etc. My mom gets back on Sunday and the first time at the beginning of the week that we can, my mom is going to follow him.
Will try again on Sunday to check out the apartments. Don't know what he has going on, but don't know that he works.
That's great about the jeans. Enjoy them. Sold some of the kids old clothes at a re-sale shop and got about $35 for them. The routine of the kids definitely does help things out, but won't have that until Sunday again.
Don't know what to do for fun. I get to work tomorrow and see clients so will be occupied most of the day. Evening will be the hardest thing tomorrow.
That's it you have to take a little time out for YOU. Like when the airlines remind mothers to put the oxygen mask on themselves FIRST and then their children. You can't help someone else until you take care of yourself first. Find out who PFM2 is and wants to be. That is what you have to do(as well as find out about OW).
Last night WH came over and told me he wanted a divorce. He said he did not want to discuss any of the reasons why and just wanted to know what I wanted to do about the house. He told me I could take a week to figure out what I wanted. He said he had talked to an attorney about divorce, but had not filed anything yet.
Of course, I lost it. I kept trying to talk to him about anything, find out who OW was, where he was living, etc. He responded to who OW was with giving me a first name and told me that I would find out soon enough. He did tell me the apartment complex that he was staying at. At one point I was standing up and raising my voice to him. He stood up also and then told me to sit down. I of course responded by saying no and he ended up sitting back down first. I am sure that I screwed everything up with this last night.
I don't know what the sudden urgency is in wanting a divorce. He said he talked to an attorney and they wanted a $1500 retainer fee and he thinks this is all that is going to cost him for the divorce. I don't know the cost because I haven't checked into it.
After he left, I called his mom and sister because my mom was in a care traveling back from North Carolina with my children, my dad, and my grandmother and that would not have been a good thing for her. I don't even know what to tell her or when. A little bit after he left, WH called me to check on me and make sure that I was OK. Towards the end of our conversation, I told him the good news that I had gotten (not that I could even celebrate it with what he did to me) about scoring 197 out of 200 on one of my teaching license tests. He told me about how proud he was of me.
MIL stayed the night with me and we actually drove to the apartments where he said he was living and found his truck. I know where he is staying but not which specific apartment it is. I tried to google the three addresses and only came across one possible name that matches up with what he has told me, but the spelling is off from what he has written and the age is off of what he has told both his mom and I. How do I get more confirming information about who she is in order to expose. I wonder if he is not giving me that information because OW's divorce is not completely final and she might lose something if her H knew about anything.
How bad did I screw up and what do I do from here?????? I have convinced him to wait until summer for the kids sake in order to not have problems with school.
I would do some online searching for the name hubby gave you and the name of the occupant of the apartment. Google them, check pipl, whoozy, intelius, etc.
If he mentions D again, just respond "I don't want a D, I want a better, thriving marriage with you" (Even if you don't any given day it keeps doors open from your side).
Yay on finding the apartment location and hopefully you WILL get the OW's identity fairly soon. However you do learn of it....do not despair or let jealousy of the idea of her get you too worked up.
The jealousy of her does not bother me. It actually ticks me off because I don't understand the hold OW has on WH.
This morning after I woke up after a few hours of sleep and on and off all evening I talked with MIL. We decided to call my mom and have her come over this morning since they were back and at their house. She came over and we shared everything that was going on and had been going on since last night. My mom was actually afraid that WH had killed himself and that was the problem. She was relieved with this because we can work on what we found out whether it comes out good or bad.
My mom and MIL talked quite a bit and discussed where I should go from here. All of us agreed that we needed to contact an attorney to find out my rights and do what I need to to protect the kids and I from OW's grip on WH. I've been doing a lot of research online to try to find out anything that I can. The names that come up on the computer searches don't match up with what I am pretty sure are the truths about OW. I do believe she is older because I know WH does not want any more kids and that would fit with someone that is older, has kids in college, etc.
His mom is really mad but I just can't seem to get her to contact WH and try to get info. I know more info about her and the situation than she does and that is just from what WH has really been telling me and not the extra info I have possibly found on the internet.
My mom contacted a friend who went through a divorce and had a really good attorney and she is going to try and contact the attorney to set up an appointment for me to sit down and find out my rights as of now, before the divorce even happens. I don't know the expense and time frame for a divorce, but WH said he talked to an attorney and they stated they would need a $1500 retainer fee. I think WH is under the impression that it won't cost more or much more than that. I am thinking that that might be if I was willing to roll over and not fight him on issues (I love using that word since WH hates that word ).
I don't know if he plans on giving me whatever I ask for and not try to fight it. Both my mom and his mom believe that he is purposely trying to make me mad at him. We don't know if it is because he wants me to make the first move, he is trying to protect me from some part of his mistake that he thinks I can't handle, or what his reasoning is. I agree that he is trying to make me mad, but the confusing part is for him to call me shortly afterward to make sure that I am OK and then praising me for my test scores.
Don't test a rattlesnake's rattle. Don't count the teeth of a shark. Don't stick your head in the mouth of a bulldog to find out what's making him bark.
Don't count the stripes on a tiger. Don't squeeze an elephant's trunk. Don't pet the scales of a boa constrictor and don't lift the tail of a skunk.
Don't study spots on a leopard. Don't check the charge of an eel. Don't pull the claws on a grizzly bear's paws regardless of how brave you feel.
Don't pull a porcupine's whiskers. Don't touch a crocodile's toe. Learn all you like, but try not to forget: there are some things you don't need to know.
HI Prayerful, I have been reading your thread but held back any comment due to the excellent job you have been doing and the great advice you've been getting. I just wanted you to know that this IS a tug of war..the "good" has been kicking butt for a LONG time... now the "bad" has pulled back. This is what happens...
Not to worry...somehow the OW has gotten her foot back in the door... Your husband seemed VERY close to ending it.. she knew this and pulled him back... Probably by threats.... Here are some of the ones I've heard.
1) I'll kill myself if you leave 2)I'll tell you wife EVERYTHING and she will hate you and never want you anyway 3)She will guilt you back and you will be totally unhappy the rest of you life because she will NEVER let you forget this. 4)It's better for the kids than living with parents that don't love each other and fight all the time do it for them. Etc... etc... You get the idea... just keep on stalling the divorce and continue with your Plan "A"...not to much longer till you go dark dark dark in Plan "B"...YOU CAN DO THIS!!
I would do some online searching for the name hubby gave you and the name of the occupant of the apartment. Google them, check pipl, whoozy, intelius, etc.
Also check your local libraries to see if they carry Haines Directories. It's a subscription book service that lists addresses and residents.
Do you have any friends or acquaintances who are real estate agents? Their company may have a Haines Directory they can loan you.
The third one that you mentioned sounds like it is highly likely because he has on several occasions made mention of the fact that we would have too many bad days.
I had said something to him at one point that it is possible to heal the marriage and that many people have and are healthier and happier than they have ever been before. He asked me if I had done any research on how many were not happier. Leads me to believe that number 3 is what is going on. Also, OW (or as the attorney referred to her "the black horse" for him) told him (per what he told me) that she had an affair and was guilted to stay in her marriage and was unhappy for years.
I don't know what the sudden urgency is in wanting a divorce. He said he talked to an attorney and they wanted a $1500 retainer fee and he thinks this is all that is going to cost him for the divorce. I don't know the cost because I haven't checked into it.
You are right, he's under the assumption that this will be an amicable divorce and that you'll just sign off on whatever he puts in front of your nose. Beware the caring telephone calls from him, he NEEDS you to be soft right now. Whatever you do, don't let him talk you into using the same attorney.
Go find a bulldog attorney who will fight for you. WH needs to find out the REAL cost of a divorce. Ask for the moon! What state are you in? Some states allow you to name the OW in your divorce. You could file a cross-claim and name her as a co-defendant/respondent once you find out who she is. As soon as the divorce is filed your attorney can serve discovery to discover the identity of the OW.
If you can get the license plate on her car you may be able to figure out who she is too.
So you know the right apartments - that's progress! And don't overstress about the D blowup. Next time you'll be prepared and handle it differently, but you haven't ruined your hard work, either. That was just a speed bump, no more.
Aha, OW has gotten out the thumbscrews. That's actually a good thing. Now is the time to avoid any and all lovebusters like the plague. Be his lighthouse.
He dropped the D-bomb without warning, and you survived. He'll bring it up again, and may even file, eventually. None of that makes any difference to your long-term odds, which are still quite good. Brace yourself for it, and ride right over the top of it.
Personally, I wouldn't take the attorney thing beyond one consultation, until/unless papers are actually filed. (ROFL about the $1500 cost thingy; boy is he in for a surprise.) If he does file, stall it at every turn. Sweetly say, "I do marriage, not divorce." That's your theme song.
Keep snooping with urgency. Channel your extra efforts into that, and finish the good work you've started. It's about time to wrap up this whole plan A thingy, but you're not there quite yet.
I'm not going to be around much this week, but I'll check in when I can. Dittos on the great job for your test scores!
Got the scores from my last test and got a 184 out of 200 on the essay tests. The median average is 164-186. At least I passed both tests that cost me over $200 to take. Yeah!!!
OK, don't have much time tonight because I need to get everything ready for my university supervisor to observe and grade me tomorrow along with being video taped and graded on that.
Been having decent conversations with WH the last couple of days since the whole D thing. The attorney stated that he didn't think that I needed to sit down with him just yet, but said if I wanted to, I could give him information (ss #'s, DOB's, etc.) so he can at least have a file started on the off chance that I need him. He did tell me that I could refuse to allow the kids to go over to the apartment/love shack/whatever you want to call it because of (as the attorney referred to OW) "the black horse". He told me how difficult I could make it for them and that I needed to do what was in the best interest of my children (at least that is how I refer to them while WH is in this A with OW).
OK...got to get back to lesson planning. Going to work on alliteration, adverbs, lyrical poetry, and start introducing narrative poetry. Fun, fun, fun!!! Had to send a student to the office today because he kept falling asleep in class and this is trying to protect him and help his home situation, but still really hard to have to do. He really is a good kid, just bad home life.
If papers do proceed at any point, your response needs to include a polite demand to know full information on the "black horse" (LOL), even though you will have already learned pretty much everything you need to know.
Great job on both tests, wow! And kudos on your handling of the dilemma of your sleepyhead.
I'm stoked that the lawyer said you could keep the kids away from the shack. Awesome!!!!
Remaining on your to-do list:
1. OW's info...boy am I on pins and needles to hear that you cracked this one open. May your mom be successful on her first try. 2. Prepare your PBL. 3. Make addendum to letter, spelling out finances and visitation. 4. Select IM's. 5. Put finishing touches on Plan A, and choose a PB-day. 6. KERPOW! Go dark.
Did I forget anything? I think that's all the main stuff you need to do in the next few weeks. Hang in there, chickadee. You're almost there.
Yes... Start drafting your Plan B letter now and post it to let the some of us fine tune it... Most if not ALL of us wrote pretty bad ones filled with LBs and educating our first shot at it... so post and refine it now so it will be locked and loaded.... GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank
P.S. Anyone have the link for prayerful to that great Plan B letter thread?
Number ONE thing on the list is finding out who the OW is and EXPOSING the affair. I don't care if you have to hide in the bushes outside his apartment, you MUST find out.
Number ONE thing on the list is finding out who the OW is and EXPOSING the affair. I don't care if you have to hide in the bushes outside his apartment, you MUST find out.
I just had a visual of this VERY pregnant woman squatting in the bushes hiding. Oh what would she say if discovered?
"Hi Officer, my water broke and I'm hiding because I'm embarrassed!"
"Hi Officer, I just bent over to smell a flower and fell over into these bushes, now I'm stuck!"
"Hi Officer, my doc suggested that I do some gentle exercises so I thought playing hide-n-seek would be a great way to do that! Now where ARE those kids?"
Now picture if a couple of MB'ers who happened to live in the same city went along with her for moral support, and all hid in the bushes.
"Hello, officer. We're from the [insert name of city] Birdwatching Club, and we've had reports of a sighting of verius skankius in this area, you know, the Common Homer Ecker. We're attempting to verify this officially."
"Hello, officer. We're from the [insert name of city] Birdwatching Club, and we've had reports of a sighting of verius skankius in this area, you know, the Common Homer Ecker. We're attempting to verify this officially."
OMG Neak! That was hysterical.... "verius skankius" "Common Homer Ecker"
What really cracks me up, is if a person could manage to say that with a straight face, plenty of people would fall for it.
B dear, I'll just share my feelings and opinions with you, and anyone else who wants to eavesdrop is welcome to.
At first there were other, more important things to attend to, like making sure PM2 was past the place of wanting to harm herself. However, she's been Plan A'ing like a champ, and the whole situation is FAR past due for the stick of Plan A.
The carrot has been great, and I applaud that. And there has been some stick, too, i.e. the exposure to family members that has caused WH to feel very uncomfortable with his actions.
Still, a vital piece is missing. OW's family, and possibly her place of employment as well, MUST find out that she has become a full-fledged Common Homer Ecker.
Until the exposure pinches at both sides of the adulterous duo, its full power cannot be felt. Until exposure pinches (blasts!) at both sides of the adulterous duo, followed shortly by PB, the chances of R are not at their full peak.
Here is what I would do if it was me, and I'm just thinking out loud here, mind. I would throw caution to the wind, give out my city name on MB (to be deleted shortly after), and ask for help from any MB'ers in the area.
I fully sympathize with the difficulties, and as someone who spent many seemingly fruitless hours in surveillance myself, I really do understand what this involves. BUT (and remember Schoolbus says when a "but" is used, it cancels out whatever was said just before), this info needs to be gathered immediately and used to carry out exposure.
Every day that passes without full exposure, the A continues nearly unchecked. I can hardly overstate how critical I think it is to make this the number 1 priority and get it done at any cost. Call in help. Let the kids stay with Grandma for a couple days. Even call in sick to work for a day or two. No price too high for this information.
Everything else is going past its expiration date, waiting for this piece to come into place.
No...I didn't fall in the bushes, just an incredibly hard week with student teaching and have barely been able to focus on the kids. I was incredibly exhausted tonight and every other night (up 'til 1am every night planning poetry lessons). Fell asleep shortly after finishing my client and student teaching tonight and then took the kids to rent movies at the store with DS's gift card from his friend for his birthday. After I get, hopefully, all of next week's lessons planned, I will respond to all the different posts on here.
While I was typing this, WH called and we had a nice conversation, both myself and the kids. Hopefully, I will be able to respond Sunday. Probably not tomorrow because the person doing power points for church services quit this week, so, now on top of music and everything else that I am doing in my life, I get to pick up doing the church power points. Don't remember volunteering for that?!?!?!?!?!
And, fyi...no I am not pregnant. Two kids, DS 12 and DD 7.
Quit all that you can and get your focus on finding out where the OW lives and who she is. If you ignore this you will lose any chance at saving the marriage.
I plan on trying to pawn off as much as I can from church. Unfortunately work and student teaching are nothing that I can give up. Fifteen more days of student teaching and then almost all my days are free, except for working. Any time that I can devote to finding OW info will be. I want to go to watch where WH comes from and then check out who lives in those apartments.
After a google search of the names that I found, there was only one that would fit if she still lives there.
Well, I have to apologize. I spent 5 hours searching for info on the OW and found nothing. I looked on intellius, spokeo, facebook, my space, whoozie, whowhere, everywhere I knew to look. And I do have a subscription to Spokeo.
I think pawning off your excess church responsibilities is a good idea anyway. If PB goes on a while, you might feel like picking some of that back up after resting a bit.
For now, guard your precious resources even against good things (like church jobs).
Wow, this one is going to be tough! It may come down to following the OW, too. If that happens, I highly recommend a friend take care of that nasty little job.
He took it down just recently, but I did check out all his friends on a regular basis once I knew about everything.
WH showed up tonight at DS's baseball practice (unexpectedly)! He was tired and had been working all day (and it was dag gon cold outside). Didn't jump and try to give him a hug or look overly excited that he was there, but did have nice interaction, conversation, etc. with him. When we were getting in the car, it felt like maybe he wanted to come up and give me a hug, but I didn't want to push something that he really didn't want to have happen for fear it would actually upset him. We talked about when and if he was going to come see the kids this week. I got the feeling that the PT dad thing was starting to bother him, by some of the things he said.
Drove by where he was parked on the way out from the bball field so the kids (& I) could wave goodbye.
Just wondering because I saw the facebook page of someone who I thought was him. Does he have a goatee, and are you blonde? Or maybe I got the wrong one. The internet checking is confusing.
No...he does not have a goatee and I am not blonde. Can't have facial hair as a fire fighter, except like a mustache or something. He doesn't like facial hair.
Bubbles - I kind of thought the same thing, because it has taken way too long to expose the affair. Even though prayerfulmom is doing her student teaching, working, and caring for her two children, I thought more could be done.
Prayerfulmom got the name of the woman that lives in the apartment with WH. She emailed the name to me, and it is unusual. I searched all over the internet and there is NOTHING.
So other than following WH to verify where he lives and following OW to find out if she is working, I can't figure out what more can be done.
I did ask WH who she is and all he does is give me a one name "nick name". He did tell me the apartment complex they live in and MIL and I drove around, just don't know the specific number. My mom will be able to follow him on Wednesday evening to get a specific apartment number because he is going to be at the house and put kids to bed before I come home for the night.
I am wondering if OW's divorce is actually final and the reason that he will not tell me who it is is because I could screw things up for her and she would not end up with $$ that she thinks and is planning on.
I am wondering if OW's divorce is actually final and the reason that he will not tell me who it is is because I could screw things up for her and she would not end up with $$ that she thinks and is planning on.
This is a very good possibility. Or maybe she's in the military? For sure, there's a reason why her identity is being so carefully hidden.
Next time you feel the urge to hug him, either do a quick drive-by that's there and gone before he can react, or just touch his arms or shoulder flirtatiously. Pretend you don't notice any reactions if they're negative, and take it just a little farther if he doesn't pull away.
Don't have but just a minute...have to type DS's report for social studies. Had to laugh though tonight...DS told me that he doesn't think he is going to like me being a teacher because I know too many tricks that students try to pull, that I am going to expect him to reach higher and better standards, and that I will try to teach him strategies to help him improve his learning.
OK...anyway...my mom and her friend went over to watch WH go into his apartment last night after he stayed with the kids. They found the specific building and floor that he was living in, but because we did not know which one of the 3 buildings it was, mom's friend missed the specific apartment. It is narrowed down to 2 really good possibilities, 1 maybe, and 1 probably not. Still continuing to hunt OW's information down. Doing some internet searching when not finishing student teaching stuff and dealing with kids who now have two sports that they are in...baseball and soccer. Ughhh...the joys of being the only real parent.
OK...will update more tomorrow night after having a break for the weekend from teaching. Got some questions, but no time to post that info now.
Now that you've narrowed it down that much, think very hard if there's anyone you know but WH doesn't, who could find the exact #? It shouldn't be too hard after your mom got the building and floor nailed down.
Do you have a friend that WH doesn't know who could pretend to be lost or looking for the apartment of a friend? She could ask for your husband by his first name only and if he comes to the door she could say, "Oh! My mistake, I'm looking for John SoandSo."
He took it down just recently, but I did check out all his friends on a regular basis once I knew about everything.
Have you tried the waybackmachine? It's a website that archives and saves snapshots of web pages so that they can be viewed even if the pages are gone or changed.
My mom's friend is willing to go back with her or by herself sometime when we can know that he is leaving our house and going back to the apartment. We will set him up for that to happen. Actually, she was the one that helped get us this far. She was pretending to be out jogging that night when they got the information that we have now.
She can feel for my current situation because she is divorced and her husband had an A on her. She was excited when we asked her to help with this and is ready for round 2 to pin down the exact apartment. My mom actually did this same kind of thing for her when she was going through her D.
Did you get my email? As far as I could tell there are only 2 women in that building, and I ruled one out. I'll send you the phone number of my #1 suspect, although I don't know what good calling her would do.
I did get your email. I had kind of limited down to the one, but, she doesn't really fit all the things that I have been told, led to believe, and things his parents have been told/led to believe.
Does that mean that it isn't her for sure? I am sorry, but as much as you don't want to, you NEED to KNOW. You could very well lose this fight, wouldn't it be better to KNOW THY ENEMY? Doing nothing will get you nothing. No guarantees, but it is your best chance.
Her husband gave her a name. An unusual name. I searched all over the internet, intellius, spokeo, whoozy, pipl, facebook, my space, whowhere. Couldn't find anything.
Looked up the address where WH is living and found only 2 women in those apartments. One didn't fit - too old. The other one is skanky looking, 36 and single.
She doesn't fit with what WH said. I think he's not telling the truth.
Believer-you have been around these parts for a while and I know that you are aware that waywards lie often. I am not surprised that PFM2's WH would lie to her about this.
PFM2-I know that it is really hard to do what you are doing. I am worried that if there is no end in sight to your torture that you will have ZERO chance at R because YOU won't want to anymore. I am worried for you, that is where I am coming from. It is from a place of caring for you. You need to get out of this soon.
There is an end in sight for PFM2 because she only has a bit more time before her student teaching is done. She is working a killer schedule, and has done EXCELLENT. I'm full of admiration!
FYI...I NEED TO YELL AND SCREAM TONIGHT OR I WILL GO INSANE!!!!!!!
Oh My God!!!! What the H*@# did I do that everything in my life has to fall apart!!!!!! Why do I keep being punished??? I wish I knew what I have done. I will repent and do whatever I can to make it up and be a better person.
I keep feeling like I am being punished for being a faithful, adoring, supportive W and he is out having an A and getting to enjoy life with no real responsibilities or consequences for his choices.
OK...now for the explanation of why I am yelling, screaming, and throwing a fit.
My mom went in to the hospital to have kidney stones removed. While she was in there, they thought that she lucked out and passed them on her own because they did not find any, but they were surprised that she did not know she had passed them. However, while in recovery, after we thought things had gone well, she started experiencing severe back pain. Then the same painful attacks that she had been having came back as bad if not worse because they were combined with the back pain.
She has now been admitted to the hospital for a 23 hour observation hoping that they can find what is going on. Since I can't take any time off with student teaching, I am trying to make all sorts of phone calls for her and communicate with people in the family along with making new arrangements for getting the kids off to school and making sure they are all taken care of. And, of course, WH goes back to work for the first time since having a week off tomorrow.
He came by tonight to put down some mulch and I was just so angry about constantly getting knocked down and punched in the gut these days and he's not suffering at all!!!
The bad thing is, and I know my thoughts and feelings are wrong and misdirected, somehow I wanted to yell, scream, and throw a fit and blame him for my mom's current situation. I know it is not his fault, but I keep feeling like when something good happens to me an even bigger bad thing comes crashing down on me. I scored a perfect on my observation that my instructor did today on me and then got this news about my mom.
Tried to share the good news of my observation with WH and his response was, "Well, it doesn't get you a job does it?" What the H@*& is that supposed to mean. It probably wouldn't have hit me so bad if I wasn't dealing with everything with my mom.
WH asked how things were going financially for me and the kids. I told him that things were tight but I was making it work. He told me that I need to tell him when things are tight. I wasn't sure exactly how to respond, but I made a comment about how he is working so hard to support the family and was just making things work the best I can. I said that I would go without if the kids needed something. (I hate peanut butter because I have eaten so much of it these days! )
Prayers going up for your mom. Let's hope that she will be released from the hospital soon.
Go ahead and scream and yell. We understand.
Good job on your observation that your instructor did today. You are doing very, very well. You only have a few more days of this and things will get better. I promise you that.
This is rotten to go through, and you're doing great anyway. No matter what it feels like right now, you're doing awesome! For you to make it here with a meltdown instead of lighting into the main source of your stress is spot-on.
Well...DS may have fractured his wrist during his first baseball game. We will not know any more until Thursday of next week when we go back to the dr. and actually get an x-ray. They don't want to x-ray his wrist just yet because with kids, you may not see anything until after about a week and it has been only just under 48 hours. If fractured, have to go to a hand surgeon because the fracture appears to be in the carpals of the wrist which they won't touch. They will send to the surgeon for further evaluation.
When do I stop getting punished and WH start getting punished??? Really??? (Just a vent of frustration)
Positive...5 days left of student teaching. Will really miss doing the teaching thing until I get my own job as a teacher. The students, even though they are middle school students, are wonderful.
DS has had two big mental breakdowns (I guess they were more emotional breakdowns). He keeps telling me how he is afraid to tell his dad that he is ticked and mad and angry at him because he is afraid that it will make his dad not want to come home. Positive thing is that he was actually willing to and had one of his breakdowns with my mom. This is the first time that it has not been with me. The second was with me.
Probably the most irritating thing was that when he said "Mom, when your done can you come downstairs so that we can talk?" he sounded just like WH, especially on the day he told me he was moving out and the day he STATED point blank that he wanted a divorce. Very matter of fact with no emotion.
OK...this was kind of weird. I just finished working with a music therapy client and was pulling out of their driveway when a person popped into my head. This was a former neighbor who lived across the street when we moved into our house. A few years ago, she had an affair on her husband and asked for a divorce. She has two older children and is an older woman. She actually fits many of the characteristics of what my WH told me about OW. I had no reason to think of her and was not thinking about anything to do with WH at the time. I was actually thinking about getting to my daughter's soccer game. I have not seen her in several years. Could this possibly be her??? Trying to do some looking online with limited success.
BTW...my mom's friend is doing some researching/spying actively for me right now. My mom was emailing her and she asked a couple of "how do you..." questions and her friend responded, don't worry, I am on it and all ready looking into it. Why would some arbitrary name pop into my head of someone that I haven't seen/talked to in 4 or 5 years maybe. Maybe a little less. The name is not what he had said, but the description fits pretty close except for what OW said about her XH.
Don't rule it out. Maybe it's her and maybe it's not, but when your brain gives you information like that you just need to check into it.
No matter who it is, chances are good he was lying about the name, especially since the cybersleuths haven't been able to find anything on her. Very few people are that far off the grid.
Is there someone who could conduct a longer surveillance on the apartment, and get a look at the OW, too? Once they narrow down the exact #, of course.
If you know the old neighbor's name, you could go to publicdata.com and for a SMALL fee search the local Tax Assessor's office for vehicle/address information on her. Once you have that info, you can either see if the address matches the apartment complex (it will also give you an apt. number) or it will give you the license tag number/make/model for her car (if she owns one). A drive through the apartment complex looking for that plate number will confirm or rule out your suspicions.
It is! PM2, that site also has a feature where you can just enter a license plate number and select the state (not available in all states) and it will pull up the registration information.
Well...after some digging, from December to February it might have been her, but I now doubt it. She passed away at the end of February. So if it was her, it's not her now.
Something that I have noticed and so has my mom, how would an OW be OK with the fact that if he is not working, he is coming to the kids games, and coming to see the kids. So, this leaves very limited to no time with OW. Last Sunday when it was rainy and he could have been spending the day with OW, he took the kids up to his parents. Now, granted, he was going up there to get something he needed for his business, but he stayed the entire day up there. Also, he finished up some of his yard work, called us around 9:00pm and was heading up to take the stuff back to his parents. How would an OW actually deal with him working or being with the kids ALL the time and no time for her? I know I am analyzing and probably shouldn't, but things that he is doing and saying just don't add up and it is bugging me. My mom & dad (which, when he says things,you listen because he doesn't express his thoughts and opinions much at all) both have made these comments.
Just needed to write and express my thoughts. I know I should probably not even let these thoughts pass through my head, but I can't figure out how to not be thinking about him, what is going on, and everything else. How do you continue living your life and not keep thinking about things.
Yes...at some point soon. Now that student teaching is over, I can finish finding out OW and expose that end to finish this part. My mom is out of town for the next two weeks, but her friend is helping us with this part also.
Thanks...Going up to MIL's house tomorrow. Need to get away from everything and while it seems odd to be going to his parent's house to get away, just trying to keep that relationship there.
OK...need some advice. WH has all of a sudden started asking about if we need money. WH asked about how much the kids sporting activities cost. He has asked this several times over the last couple of days. I am not sure the best way to respond as I am not sure what his purpose is in doing this. On one hand, I have the fear that he is planning to actually start pursuing D, but on the other, I wonder if he is trying to meet an EN that he has or he thinks I have. Either way, I am not sure the best way that I should respond when he asks.
Tonight when he asked, I simply stated that it is the beginning of the month and we are OK right now. It is usually towards the end of the month when things can get tight. Why is he asking about this now when I have more time to work now that student teaching is over and when I was working my a@% off while student teaching, he didn't ask at all????? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! He makes me want to scream. If this is his way of trying to take care of us for a positive, I want to let him do that. If it is trying to make himself look good if he is going for a D, my snotty side wants to tell him to "stick it where the sun don't shine!"
OK...now that I have finished ranting, suggestions of how to handle this would be much appreciated. I have come too far to do something stupid.
Pick a nice round # to ask him for, and just let him know that you'll need it later in the month.
It really doesn't matter in the long run why he's doing this. Every dollar you get your hands on is one more dollar that cannot possibly fund the A. That's a good thing.
Also, no matter his motive, if you accept it with sweet and admiring thanks, you'll be meeting some EN's yourself, and letting him feel like the successful hunter/gatherer that he is currently not. That's ok - encourage those feelings of providing all you can while in Plan A.
I really admire how methodical you're being. You've really gotten a good hold on your emotions, and are just taking this one step at a time.
How many more days on the teaching countdown? I know we're getting pretty close to the end.
Student teaching is over. Just finishing up the paperwork that has to be submitted to finish and get my grade in the class.
OK...where do I go after what happened tonight? WH came over to stay with DS and DD while I went to work. I got home around 6:30pm which is about a half hour before someone has to leave to take DD to her dance class. DS decided that he did not want to go, but would not give me a reason even though WH was going to play catch with DS while the class was going on.
When DD and WH got home, he was preparing to leave and DD was holding onto WH's shirt saying don't go, I don't want you to leave, etc., etc., etc. WH tried to pull away but was not forcing the issue. After several minutes of this going on, I went up to DD, took her hands off WH's shirt, and tried to lead her away while WH left. She totally broke down crying and throwing a fit. I wrapped my arms around her and we went down to the ground. Without knowing it, WH was standing behind us watching what was going on. DD laid on the floor crying and I started crying with her. I finally got her to crawl on my lap and we just held each other crying. DS got up from where he was sitting (and crying I noticed as he walked by and tried to head upstairs). I tried to grab DS's hand and stop him, but he just went upstairs upset and said he was going to go get his PJ's on.
The whole time, WH was standing behind us watching this whole mess go on. After a little bit, I was able to get DD to go upstairs and get her PJ's on. WH took this opportunity to say a quick goodbye and couldn't get out of the house fast enough. It took a little bit before WH pulled away from the house though.
Went upstairs with DD and DS to check on them and try to get refocused on finishing homework. DS tried to walk by me again to head downstairs and I stopped him. He told me that this was why he did not want to go with WH because he knew he was just going to walk out again when the evening was over. After I got DD in PJ's and in bed, went downstairs and DS asked me if parents got divorced, could they ever get back together or was it not legal for that to happen. Of course, I responded that two people could get back together if they wanted.
My question is...do I do anything or say anything to WH at this point to try and smooth the situation over. The mean and nasty side of me wants to say, "See what you have done to OUR CHILDREN and me! Does OW really make you happy enough to do this to OUR FAMILY! Stay away if you don't want to be a part of the family because OUR KIDS (and I) can't handle much more of this!" I know that is not the proper way to respond if I want to fix/heal my marriage. What should I do to or for WH if anything?????
That alone wasn't enough to bring the A to a screeching halt, but it put another dent in the fantasy. Anything you say to bring it up again will lessen the power of what he saw.
It will still be hard for the kids in PB, of course, however they will also benefit from being on a schedule and knowing what's going to happen each day.
That was SO CUTE about is it legal to get back together?
How do you deal with family and friends who are completely against trying to heal/fix a marriage that was affected by an affair? My mom was talking to me last night and then one other time before where she was telling me that if I would choose to go back with WH, that no one in the family would be supportive of the M. She said everyone would be there for the kids and me, but that WH would not be welcomed anywhere with anything to do with the family.
I guess one of the questions that I finally thought of after a very sleepless night to ask her was, "Would she disown me if the roles in our M problems were reversed?" How do you deal with this? I can understand how mad, angry, upset everyone is, but they aren't living this situation. I am really mad that my family would not welcome my family into things and would be OK with having no real contact or relationship with us. Yes...WH screwed up royally. Yes...trust will have to be rebuilt between the two of us (and the kids). Yes...everyone has the right to be angry. No...they are not living this h@%%. No...they cannot relate to what's going on.
Everyone keeps saying that they would kick WH (or WW whichever the situation) out and go on with life. I had felt that way before I started living this horrible nightmare. Do I know that I can trust WH ever again? Do I know that WH would never do this again? No, of course I don't. How do I know if I was to ever move on and find someone else that they wouldn't do the same thing to me, too!!
I would love advice of things to say, questions to ask, things to do to deal with my mom and my family. I don't personally know that all my family feel this way, but no matter what happens, I LOSE!! I lose one family or another. They can't understand what I am going through. How do you make the choice?
OK...open to advice. Ears opening and ready to listen and hear what everyone has to say.
Don't stress it too much right now. They may think so, but they don't actually know what they would do if they were presented with a truly repentant WH, determined to make things right with everyone he hurt.
To give a family reconciliation the best chance of occurring, you may want to put a family apology in the list of conditions for accepting him back.
You're more likely to be able to have a FWH and your family too, but even in a worst-case scenario you just need to lovingly and firmly tell them that you are committed to your M and family, you hope they will support you in that. Then if they don't, distance yourself from them as much as you need to.
That's all down the road, if when you're trying to R with a FWH and they still aren't supporting you.
For now, say nothing and allow them to have their feelings. Smile to yourself, knowing they may be in for a big surprise.
Thank you! That's what I needed to hear. I am going to see the C today (it has been a few weeks because things were so stressful until student teaching ended) and I just am not really sure about what to talk with her about. I won't address the family issue at this point. I will probably address the issue of feeling caught in the middle of everything, the kids melt down in front of WH, and stuff like that. What is really hard is trying to enjoy something that I succeeded at while going through this mess in my life right now. Almost finished with the paperwork so I can put the closing touches on that endevor and try to find an actual job!!
OK...school is ending soon and I have told my family that I was going to tell the kids about WH's A. My DD is 7 and DS is 12. What do I tell them? How do I tell them? Do I tell WH? I am very nervous, scared, upset, etc. about having to do this, what to tell them, and things like that. Advice and help deeply needed!!
Tell WH after. Don't give him the chance to flip his lid first.
"Children, I want to make sure you know it's not your fault that Daddy left. He has a girlfriend, even though we're still married. It's not ok for married people to have boyfriends or girlfriends.
I want for Daddy and me to stay married, and am doing everything I can to make that work. It's going to be hard for all of us, but I want you to know you can count on me to do my very best.
I want to bust it open and am trying to do what I know I can. How else do I go about getting this all out in the open? I have done everything that I know to try and find out who this person is. I did something, that I am shocked about me actually doing, and had an email that I forwarded to myself from a while back where he was talking with another woman. He had told me that it was just an on-line relationship and they had never met in person. In the email he told her that he was happily married and that he did not want out of the marriage.
I emailed this woman (& looked her up on-line and found a picture of her) and asked her what he had told her during their A. Don't know that she will respond to me, but she may let WH know that I did this if they are still in contact.
Good job! The size of the reaction, be it large or small, will give you some idea of how serious the incident(s) was, and whether it might still be going on. If they're in contact at all, you'll know soon.
If all else fails, it is possible to do exposure while in PB. PB protects you from the ugliness of the fallout, and SH has recommended this to several of my friends who counseled with him directly.
IMO that's a last resort, if your $LB is almost dry and you, your family, and we still haven't located the OW. So just keep a close eye on your LB balance, and let us know if it's close to the red.
Keep up your great Plan A, too. No matter how short it is, it needs to be good up to the last second.
Well...I've been gone for quite awhile. After lots of attempts to find out OW, I still have been unsuccessful. I will know soon enough because even though he asked for the D, he kept coming up with reasons to not file. If I was going to get DD and DS in a good place about the situation, I filed for the D. I hand delivered the papers to him at the fire station myself and felt quite good about confronting him. When he asked what I was giving him, I said I was giving him what he wanted. He looked defeated.
It has been very ugly and there have been lots of angry outbursts from him during this process and the fact that he has been required to hand over the garage door opener, keys, etc. and vacate and not enter my house any more. He is not communicating about anything with me and showing up at my house any time he wants to.
I have been having to file contempt charges on him in the first 30 days since the prelim agreement has been signed because he can't follow simple directions of contacting me before doing things and communicating about anything. He (and possibly his attny) are constantly lying and hiding things. We are having to subpoena everything. I have uncovered a probably SA because of spending an average of $200 a month on internet cheating, pornography, hotel rooms, strip club ($500 in one night at a strip club followed by another $300 shortly there after), etc. Probably the hardest thing to digest was the hotel bill last Christmas eve and then knowing that he sat in church with us, had family christmas, and my family christmas the same day he checked out of the hotel that morning and using volunteering at the fire station as his excuse.
Fighting tooth and nail to protect DD and DS from his negative influence as much as possible. Trying to figure out how to identify who IP addresses belong to that are connected to him (or someone on his behalf) breaking into my private bank account. Anyone know how to identify the owners names of IP addresses???
Oh...I also have proof that he has called more internet Escorts with her in a month and a half time period that he did when he was with me. I have proof that he gets things waxed at $125 a visit (but tells DS and DD that he has no money to take them places). And my attny and I have enough proof that he is hiding money and not forthcoming with all income because he stated that it did not snow at all last year and he did not have any income from snow plowing.
I will provide OW with the proof of the escorts, etc. when the D is final so that she knows what she is getting before she is introduced to my DD and DS because he could care less. He is using her to pay all his living expenses right now.
So many provable lies to put in front of a judge. Just putting it out in front of MIL and FIL along with OW and Brothers at the fire station will be enjoyable.
Oh...his truck was broken into and all of his mowing equipment, tools, etc. were stolen from where he was living. TWICE!!!! His transmission went out in his truck and is sounding like it is going out again since he did not get it fixed correctly the first time. He is going to put a plow on it for this winter. I hope there is just enough snowfall to burn out the motor/transmission in the truck!!
I was wondering what had happened to you. I am sorry that things have turned out the way that they have. It IS nice to see that the Karma bus is not long coming in your case.
Have you given any thought in going to Plan B/D? Just for your own peace of mind. Again, I am sorry.
I need to review the information on what that is. I just felt that since he was insistant on this, I needed to move forward with my life in some way for my sanity and DS and DD. The instability is not healthy for them.
I'm not happy about the situation, but with everything that I am continually finding out that he has been doing/done/currently doing, I am glad that he is gone. The things he has done are scary to my health and the addiction will never go away without treatment. DS suffers a lot of anger at whatever I now call WH since we are not D yet.
I find that I HATE trying to go out and socialize with others. I don't know where to find people to socialize with and am only looking for friends (don't care male or female), but definitely nothing else. After the D support group meeting that I had last week, I realize that a big portion of problems that I am fighting is my beliefs that M is for life and that ever thinking about or if ever I would find someone else, I would feel religiously like I was having an A even once the D is over. My belief is that two become one. I know it's over and DO NOT want him back because of things I have found, but it goes against all my beliefs.
Pretty much what I am suggesting for you is that you would go completely no contact with your WH. Have IMs set up to pass and filter messages between you and him. It will take a lot less toll on you emotionally. You could start to heal without the abuse of the affair.
The thing he does that send me the most over the edge is trying to be nice to me as if nothing has happened and I am supposed to act the just the same as if nothing has happened as well. I just talk short with as few words as possible to him (and small words because as my attny has found out, he doesn't understand big words like beginning and conclusion for transportation purposes). I rarely, if ever, even look at him and that is about all.
The A doesn't bother me too much because she is not allowed to be exposed or around DS and DD as well as any other female friend that he might have because it is in our prelim. Just knowing the that OW has to move out of her home sat/sun one week and fri/sat (til 8pm one time he has that and til 2pm the next time he has them on fri/sat) and the following weekend she doesn't hav to, but he works on sat that weekend gives me some enjoyment. Knowing that I will be able to hand her a letter with all the adds for the escorts that he has contacted since being with her makes it a little easier to ignore A. They just started leasing a house together. If the final hearing actually takes place 1/12/11 like it is scheduled (but he has a whole lot of info to give to me immediately or I will file for a continuance), I will get to do that really soon and they will still have a long lease left on that place.
After finding out the things that I have found out, the A doesn't really hurt right now. I am full of anger and fight. Maybe when all is said and done and I have exposed him to her, the A will start to bother me again, but not now.
There are 10005 ways to find out who she is. I will list some.
1. Hire a PI to find this out 2. Send the kids over his house with a GPS tracker device 3. Wait outside her house till she comes out. 4. Get someone to impersonate a landlord and get a reference on her 5. Ask your husband's friends and co workers 6. Find out where they go out to eat or drink and ask around there
I could give you hundreds of other ways to find out but it seems like you do not want to know all that badly. Otherwise you could have found this out.
I'll know who she is soon enough. Exposure right now will be more important after the D because right now he has to show that he is splitting expenses with her and I am pretty sure that things won't last long once she finds out about the internet escorts before she kicks him out or walks out on him.
I have an IP address that I am 99.999999999% sure that it is OW's. I am going to take a police officer over to the internet provider like I was told that I should do by the provider to get the name of who it belongs to as long as WH didn't put it under his name. I have tried many things over these months with no success. Right now, it is more important to move my life forward because I'll know soon enough and will do major exposure after the divorce is final. I want decisions made based on him sharing expenses or OW paying the majority of the expenses, not WH expenses on his own.
I have lots of ways to hurt WH enough now and am trying to get him to follow the rules of our prelim. My parents did actually see her one time when driving past WH&OW's house. OW doesn't look a whole lot different than I do per what they said. WH&OW were out walking the dogs so my parents didn't stare directly at OW, but saw enough to see OW was about my heighth, build, and didn't look like a barbie doll. Wait til OW finds out about his actions even as recently as a week and a half ago (since they bought/renting their new place).
If you are going to go on with Plan D, you have every right and I am not going to try to talk you out of it at all. Why would you want to wait to expose this until after the D? Have you told your children about the affair yet?
I understand you're anger. You don't want to become one of those people who are just out for revenge. You need to do what is right and do it in the right way.
I would say that what you should do is find out who OW is, expose to EVERYONE in one day. Let them know that your WH and OW are having an affair. Then go to Plan B.
Oh yes...the kids were told about the affair the day they were told about the D because I insisted on it. WH is living with OW and they have seen her stuff and her animals. I told WH that they needed to know so that no one else accidently saw him and OW out together and say something to the kids. WH disagreed (no duh!) and IC did not agree about telling the kids, but I insisted. I was tired of kids being upset and blaming me and telling me that I was a failure. WH needed to man-up and admit that OW was more important to him than his family.
As far as waiting til after the D, if she kicks him out now or moves out herself, WH would be able to change his financial information to say he has more (or actual since she has been paying everything thus far) to try to get more of the financial stuff or reduce any $$ that he has to give me. Whereas, if I expose after D, he is pretty much screwed because the D is over and he'll just have to come up with $$ however/where ever he can and find a small little place/apt of his own.
I have been composing my letter to OW and all that I plan to expose to right after D is finalized. Just waiting for the right moment so I get as much as possible and WH and OW get screwed!!!
Do you mean what he would have to pay to you in a D or what he would have to pay for CS? I don't know how it works where you live but I know that here, it is a fluid type of thing. Even after a D, if the spouse paying CS has to pay a certain amount, it can be changed due to their income. It works both ways. It is done on a year to year basis.
I know that you want WH to pay for what he has done for you, I get that. Just don't let it change who you are. It's great to be stronger and the anger sure does strengthen us, I just want to make sure you are taking care of yourself too.
Believe me, I will be watching your posts and when the karma bus runs over WH and OW, I will celebrate with everyone else. It's nice when they get what they deserve.
What he would have to pay me or how the asset/debt stuff all get figured out. I know that CS is based on income. More than likely his income would go up because he would have to work more to make money to live off of, but considering he is out buying snowplows, new mowers, trailers, etc., I think OW is giving WH a lot of money. OW would probably then go after WH to get money back for that stuff or get to keep that stuff herself. Just make WH have to give someone else some money too!!
It's not changing who I am. I have always been a thinker, planner, and a little passive-aggressive when getting even for someone screwing me over. I don't react out of anger, I plan out of anger. How to best hurt OW and WH without hurting myself.
Okay, I was wondering. Like I said, just looking out for you, but I totally understand.
So, how have you been? How is work going? Are you doing fun things with the kiddos? I started a family games night and a movie night. We need to make memories for them.
I successfully finished my student teaching at the beginning of May and got all the assignments completed. Struggling actually applying for my license because it's hard not to link he leaving to me starting student teaching and doing something to improve myself. I have not found a teaching position yet, but am working with my music therapy job still and trying to increase my caseload.
How have I been...up and down. I struggle a lot with sadness, anger, stress, etc. about the big D, but after finding out all the things that I have, I know my life will end up, well, at least not worse without him. I will probably be very lonely most of my life and can never imagine living my life with another person, but know that WH has truly gone mental and I did not make the choice for this to happen.
I have actually gotten the kids into lots of activities (free ones to boot!) through church such as DS plays tuba in the brass ensemble at church, attends confirmation classes, youth group, etc. along with finishes fall baseball tomorrow. He is volunteering at a haunted trail over the next few weekends. DD is in dance, cheerleading, chime choir at church, Brownies, etc. Both DS and I are attending a divorce care class and DD keeps saying she wants to go, but it interferes with her dance class. I told her that I would take the class again so that she can go on a different night. DS auditioned and made the jazz band at his school and is also joining pep band. They are hard to keep up with.
Staying busy with positive things and trying to get both kids active in church and community activities which they never did a lot of before. So glad to see DS blossom in jr high, such a hard age to go through. He is getting all A's and B's on his report card this 9 weeks. DD (2nd grade) is getting straight A's. Trying to make some fun positive memories for them. Really hard on the days that I am sad and missing what I thought was a good marriage.
We had to find a new church because ours closed down in the midst of all this mess. Started attend the church where WH and I actually got married. Usually attend services on the other end of the building, but with DS playing in the brass ensemble, actually had to sit through a service in that sanctuary. Hard when you don't know too many people and you can't look to the front of the church. They are playing two services tomorrow in that sanctuary and I will be struggling sitting through them, but will do and try to make that sanctuary be a memory for DS playing tuba instead of the other.
Cleaning out stuff and pitching things that were his. Ran across a card that he gave me for valentine's day when I was pregnant with DS and a card my M sent to him after he came down to ask for my hand in marriage. It talked about how they knew he would always protect me and what a wonderful person he was. Well...he fooled them didn't he!
Oh well...going to end on a positive note hear and get to bed so I can get up early to hear my wonderful DS play tuba and see him enjoying all his accomplishments. Hoping his team wins the baseball game and goes to the finals on Monday and share in the celebration of DD cheer party where they will receive awards for a successful season even though their football team only won two games all season. LOL!! They all had fun and so did I (except all the cold, rainy games that I sat through)!! Gonna make it a fabulous Sunday with the kids and ignore WH when he shows up at DS game.
WH brought OW to DS's baseball game yesterday even though it specifically says in our prelim that WH cannot have ANY FEMALE FRIENDS around the kids!!!! I know, because I know her car and the license plate (which, fyi, I have someone running the plate number in order to get OW's name). WH doesn't know that I know OW's car and plate number. Happened to see OW's car and got plate number when OW was stupid and forgot to close the garage door when I drove by. I unfortunately did not get to see her, but my D did get to see her and told me that, other than the blonde hair, she looks a whole heck of a lot like me. WH is a complete idiot and my attny has all ready been alerted to the problem. Hopefully, we have some legal maneuvers that we can do to keep that #%*@$ away from my kids and me!!! Hopefully a long term restraining order or something!!!
Once I found out her car was there (had to leave DS's game early because DD has her cheer party/celebration for the end of the season, totally ruined the entire rest of the evening and I was sooooooooooooo angry!!!! Any advice greatly appreciated!
Let your atty handle it. You don't need the extra drama. It was bad of him, and expect him to be bad so you aren't disappointed. Let someone else do the dirty work for you.
My attny is making good money off this D since WH continues to do stupid garbage to make me have to contact my attny. I have to say that I am proud how I handled WH at the game tonight because there were no bleachers for him to hide out in clear on the other side of the field because, of course, he would not want to be seen or noticed (like I now see he has always done) and so WH was forced to sit at the picnic tables right behind my parents, myself, and several of my neighbors that came out to support DS at his baseball game.
I did not look at him, talk to or around him, or have any contact with him at all the entire time before/during/after the game. I walked by WH several times to go do things, talk to DS when he called to me (and me only), and to get some things for one of the neighbors kids. I did not make eye contact with him or look at the ground or up in the air when walking by. I walked looking straight ahead as I passed by him. DD was cheering very loudly in front of WH's face the entire night (LOL!!!!! ). It was hysterical because it was annoying to me and she kept coming up to me and asking me for more cheers to do for him.
When DS got his trophey, my entire family was out on the field and he was standing outside the fencing. WH did not even touch the trophy when DS showed it to him until my M told him to let her see it. WH then ripped the trophy out of his hands to see it out of spite! When we were leaving, WH had parked his truck next to my van and he was looking right at me (I could feel the glare through the back of my head) while I was opening the door to my van and getting in. He said "See you guys later!" Only DS made any reply at all only to say "See you on Sunday." WH all ready had a conflict with his parenting time because he has a conflict on Saturday. Had kids not had activities, he thought that he was going to send them to a sitter. Guidelines state that he HAS to offer them back to me or my family BEFORE getting to hire a sitter. CAUGHT AGAIN DOING WRONG!!!!!!
Got the OW's name!!!!! and her XH and her kids. OW is 52 years old and WH is 37. Can't find yet where she works, but her XH works for the state dept that funds my job. Not sure what to do yet because I want to wait til after D is over in order to make nuclear explosion for their lives hurt without hurting me because he can claim that he has more expenses if she kicks his a@# out when she finds out about the escorts, etc.
Where do I go to get more info about her?? Done pipl and there is little to nothing there??? Fun fact...if he marries her, he will be a grandpa at age 37!!! Her son just had a baby.
Your going to wait till after your divorce to expose?? That wont accomplish much since you are already divorced people will think you are being vindictive and mean. You do it DURING your marriage so you can HELP your marriage. I'm confused. ??
There is no longer a marriage to be saved for me. Found out way too many horrible things that he has done including contacting over 38 different internet escorts, etc. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried to save my marriage over these last 10 months, he was not interested. I have to move on with my life after finding out the things he has done with soooo many different women over the last 8-10 years. He is not interested in changing himself or to leave the OW who is only 7 years younger than my mother and 15 years older than him. If I want my sanity and to try and protect my kids from his mental/emotional abuse, I have to move towards keeping him away from as as much as possible and to get the kids into counseling.
As hard as this might seem to understand, I truly pray that his eyes are opened by God one day and he is able to see what he is/has done to the kids, myself, and worst of all himself. I fear that he is going to "catch" a disease from one of these people and I can't wait around for him to come to his senses. I fear that one day he will fall hard on his face and it will be a disaster for himself and all of us if I hang around. He asked for the divorce in April, but would not move forward with anything. I needed him to have some rules put in place to follow, including "her" and any other "hers" that might be out there away from my children.
If his expenses go up prior to the divorce being finalized because she kicks him out or something, that could be worse for me in the finalization of the financial outcomes. When I share information, it will be to protect my kids from meeting her if she is not willing to stick around with someone that is cheating numerous times on her. There is a slight air of being vindictive, but maybe it will wake him up to all the terror he is causing to us.
The judge will take into account WH's expenses and right now those are cut in half or more because OW pays half to all the expenses for the household. I know this sick A needs to end because he will never be a good father to our kids until he gets help. The escorts are now getting as young as 19 (assuming they put their actual age down). He's gonna end up getting himself in huge trouble if he is not careful.
I'd get the settlement asap because it is not viewed as family funds if he is still unmarried.
My x was a non remorseful xwh. the only time he was a decent father was when he was getting tons of attention and during the early stages of his affairage. After year two, he went back to being a crappy dad and started cheating again on the xow/w.
The whole escort and potential disease situation and ema isn't the most positive situation and maybe you should move on and begin to do a permanent plan B to him.
That's what I did but my plan B turned into a plan "me"! I focused instead on my child and recovery and let xwh to his own judgement. And it turned out as everybody expected his situation would turn out.
Got to take it seriously. I also was at church and found a prayer book sitting around that had been dug out when people were cleaning things up. I grabbed it to copy the prayers that I needed to keep in mind. I am going to post them on my mirror so that every morning when I get up I can find the one that I feel is most appropriate for the day and say it as many times as I need. I am going to share a couple of them with his family to also pray. Here is the one that I feel I need to say tonight:
& smelling great!
Sorry couldn't help but finally laugh for once!
He did dress up for this evening when he would normally wear jeans and a polo shirt, but he had also come from an interview several hours earlier. He picked the kids up instead of just meeting us at the school since I was coming home from work late.
Disrespectful Judgment... 
)
I don't like not being in control of myself and breaking down and she wants to have this break down moment with me because she knows that i am hurting and she is worried about me. There have been a couple of times that she has crossed the boundaries (with me) that I have set and I have stood up for what I wanted or needed. 
