From reading the different postings and comments, none seem to have my problem. My husband and I are in our early 20 and we have 2 kids and one due in march.We moved out of state for about 10 months and things just didnt work out there, We moved into my parents house a week after Christmas. My parents were going to help us purchase a home, let us stay with them so we can save money. I was feeling us drifting apart him and my sister were talking about things. My husband informed me that he felt like maybe he wasnt in love with me anymore and wasnt sure if I was what he wanted. I found out Jan 20th that my husband and My sister were having a sexual relationship for 2 1/2 weeks!!! I am so hurt by the betrayal of my husband and my sister. I love my husband i would like to work things out, but like in the forum the lover needs to leave the picture to start on the road of recovery, But the lover is my own sister!! Help PLease!! I dont know how to forgive either of them but I want to be with my husband? So conflicted!!

Have your parents been told yet?

What does your H have to say about his conduct?
Either of you have any previous affairs?
Any addictions or substance abuse?
Any history of violence, or abusive behaviors?

Dr. Harley's advice is the same, regardless of who the other person is. You are going to have to establish NC w/ your sister for life. Have you moved out? Do your parents know? Have they stopped their relationship?

The key is establishing NC and exposing to your family and his. Once NC is established, it will take several months before things will improve.

Oh dear....I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
My H had an almost 2 yr relationship with my SIL, so I can kind of relate.
I know this is hard to hear but sis needs to be out of the picture completely in order to start recovering.

Yes, you ned to start exposing. It is the best first step, IMO.
Sorry the folks that were supposed tohave your back decided to put a dagger in it. That is terribly cruel and unloving.

How old is sis?
Is it possible she could move out of town?

My sister had an affair with her daughter's husband.


At first, the daughter and husband attempted recovery. They tried NC with the mom.

Ultimately, the couple divorced.


It is very difficult to go NC with a family member. There is a great deal of pressure from the rest of the family for you to "forgive and forget" and reestablish contact with the family member involved in the affair.

This kind of thing is really hard!

If you want to save your marriage, you will need nerves of steel, and you will have to be extremely strong - especially with your parents. This will be the hardest thing you will EVER DO IN YOUR LIFE.

My advice - and this is the only way this will work IMHO:


1. Expose the affair to your family. Do not warn your sister.

2. Tell your parents that you will not have, and cannot have, any further contact with your sister - forever - if you have any chance of saving your marriage. Explain to them that your "family" is now your husband and children. Tell them that your sister and husband made an extreme choice when they had an affair, and that results in an extreme choice on your part. This pains you, and will cause hardship and pain for the family, but it is not your choice - it is a choice thrust on you by the bad behavior of two other people. This is something you WILL DO to attempt to save your marriage, and that it means many changes for the rest of the family, but that is the way it will be. Period.

3. Move IMMEDIATELY. At least two hours away. Sacrifice everything, take out loans, and if you have to, work two jobs to do it. AND, DO NOT EVER LIVE CLOSER. This forces your family to make phone calls before they plan to come, and allows you complete control over any visits. It also allows you to opt out of any and all get togethers, based on distance. It does, however, allow for you to exchange the children for visits to the grandparents. Don't make any excuse to not move - because this will prolong your mess, and believe me, you will lose your marriage. Your family WILL NOT HELP YOU. Their plan will be to SAVE YOUR SISTER. I promise, this is what they will do. No matter what, they will opt to save your sister. Watch them.

4. Remove your sister immediately from facebook, myspace, etc., and all emails and other lists or communications with your husband and yourself.

5. Understand this will be difficult, but at some point you will get used to it. And as the time and distance sets into place, you will begin to understand that the changes you made to eliminate this person from your life were worth it. She is a toxic person - and you will see this about six months from now.

I did. It saved me. My sister is a toxic person, and moving away was the best thing I ever did - and looking back, I think it saved my life.



SB

Hello SarahH,

Schoolbus is right....

This will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life...

Are you SURE you want to?

She is so right that your sister can NEVER be part of your life again...

My wife and my brother had a long term affair which resulted in the total destruction of my family...

We paid a terrific price to hold the M together. Make sure it is what you want and exactly what you are trying to save.

It was worth it to us. You will have to decide if there is enough marriage left to attempt to salvage. Was the M good BEFORE the affair or was this simply ONE more problem to a M that had many problems?

These are questions you will have to HONESTLY ask yourself to determine if it is worth the incredible effort by EVERYONE to save the M.

You can read about Mrs.Flint and my story with a very similar story in my byline at the bottom of this post.

Good luck and God bless.

Jim

Sarah:

You are not alone.

Jim and Schoolbus and me have all had experiences similar to what you are enduring.

Close association breeds affairs for those who do not have good boundaries. By good boundaries, I mean ethics, morals and integrity.

Please, please pay attention to what Schoolbus and Jim are telling you. It is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Larry