Need help, have some questions - 03/10/10 02:02 AM
Ok, where to start.
I'm 30, she's 31, been together for 13 years, married for 3. She cheated on me Jan 28th, I found out a week later. She obviously had no plans to tell me, but I found out since I thought something was going on and started snooping. She was dumb enough to write it in her journal, hence I know the exact date.
I found out on a Friday, we spent all weekend talking and I told her I wasn't willing to give up, I wanted to work things out. She agreed, and said she would end it with him.
Problem #1: She works in the same office as him, and he conveniently has an apartment real close to work, and is single.
So of course Monday rolls around, and her tune changes into she doesn't know what she wants. Cue Groundhog Day title screen, as over the course of the next month she goes back and forth. At least once a week, she says she wants to try to work on things, and the rest of the week she is cold towards me, and wants it to end. All this time, she has not stopped seeing him, and has no problems telling me that she still is.
I was trying my best to do Plan A while she fence-sits, as hard as it was. There were lots of nights where we were in separate rooms with the doors closed. About a week ago we got forced into a Plan B as her sister is in the hospital for a few weeks, and she is staying at her apartment with her dog. This Monday, she sends me an email saying she misses me and wants nothing more than for things to go back to how they were, but sometimes likes being alone and what that brings. So we decided to make plans for this Saturday night, and go out. She said she canceled her plans with "him" that she had Wednesday night. I somewhat believe her, since she hasn't had any inclination to spare my feelings yet. I have no proof, but it seems like her will to get back together coincides with him maybe giving her the cold shoulder.
So my questions...it's been a month and I'm pretty tired of the fence sitting. She's been out of the house for a week, should I be talking to her at all? If she happens to call should it go ignored? Should I go out with her Saturday? I didn't have much time to work on Plan A, and it didn't turn out so well since I found this website just recently. I do plan to have a good time though, and make sure she has one too...sort of a pseudo plan A, for one night I guess. When is the point where I should tell her to either drop him completely, or give me the divorce papers so I can move on with my life? I don't think she would see him in secret, as she seems to either want to end it or work it out. Her favorite word is "unsure."
Exposure...everyone knows we are separated since she told them, but I have a feeling the reasons went unsaid. I'm not opposed to it at all. Should I still do it with where we are? Should I contact her work since they work together? I couldn't care less if she got fired at this point. She's been the sole provider the last year(probably part of the reason this happened), and it would hurt us financially as we eat through our savings, but money is my last concern. People at work must know, since her and him have gone out together in groups with friends from work.
Counseling...she's been seeing a therapist since this started, I have an appointment this week. She has not wanted to do couples counseling. She finally agreed to go when I sprang it on her I was setting up the appointment.
I think that's it, sorry for the wall of text. Any help with some of my questions would be appreciated. Thanks!
I'm 30, she's 31, been together for 13 years, married for 3. She cheated on me Jan 28th, I found out a week later. She obviously had no plans to tell me, but I found out since I thought something was going on and started snooping. She was dumb enough to write it in her journal, hence I know the exact date.
I found out on a Friday, we spent all weekend talking and I told her I wasn't willing to give up, I wanted to work things out. She agreed, and said she would end it with him.
Problem #1: She works in the same office as him, and he conveniently has an apartment real close to work, and is single.
So of course Monday rolls around, and her tune changes into she doesn't know what she wants. Cue Groundhog Day title screen, as over the course of the next month she goes back and forth. At least once a week, she says she wants to try to work on things, and the rest of the week she is cold towards me, and wants it to end. All this time, she has not stopped seeing him, and has no problems telling me that she still is.
I was trying my best to do Plan A while she fence-sits, as hard as it was. There were lots of nights where we were in separate rooms with the doors closed. About a week ago we got forced into a Plan B as her sister is in the hospital for a few weeks, and she is staying at her apartment with her dog. This Monday, she sends me an email saying she misses me and wants nothing more than for things to go back to how they were, but sometimes likes being alone and what that brings. So we decided to make plans for this Saturday night, and go out. She said she canceled her plans with "him" that she had Wednesday night. I somewhat believe her, since she hasn't had any inclination to spare my feelings yet. I have no proof, but it seems like her will to get back together coincides with him maybe giving her the cold shoulder.
So my questions...it's been a month and I'm pretty tired of the fence sitting. She's been out of the house for a week, should I be talking to her at all? If she happens to call should it go ignored? Should I go out with her Saturday? I didn't have much time to work on Plan A, and it didn't turn out so well since I found this website just recently. I do plan to have a good time though, and make sure she has one too...sort of a pseudo plan A, for one night I guess. When is the point where I should tell her to either drop him completely, or give me the divorce papers so I can move on with my life? I don't think she would see him in secret, as she seems to either want to end it or work it out. Her favorite word is "unsure."
Exposure...everyone knows we are separated since she told them, but I have a feeling the reasons went unsaid. I'm not opposed to it at all. Should I still do it with where we are? Should I contact her work since they work together? I couldn't care less if she got fired at this point. She's been the sole provider the last year(probably part of the reason this happened), and it would hurt us financially as we eat through our savings, but money is my last concern. People at work must know, since her and him have gone out together in groups with friends from work.
Counseling...she's been seeing a therapist since this started, I have an appointment this week. She has not wanted to do couples counseling. She finally agreed to go when I sprang it on her I was setting up the appointment.
I think that's it, sorry for the wall of text. Any help with some of my questions would be appreciated. Thanks!