Okay this is a long story so bare with me. Me and my wife started dating when she was 17 and I was 20. When I meet her she was going through alot her mom being sent to jail and her dad not caring about her at all. About 6 months into the relationship we got pregnant. So I married her. I loved her and wanted to take her away from all the stuff going on in her life. The first 6 months we were good we were poor but happy. Then I decided to join the army. While I was in training for 9 months I started having doubts. I started wondering if I married her because we had a kid or for love. Instead of talking about it to her I kept it inside didn't call her much or write her. I just went out with friends and forgot about it all. Then I came home from training and we went to Alaska together. When we got to Alaska I was good for the first couple of months then I started having doubts again. But once again I clamed up and never talked to her about it. I just ignored her didn't defend her or show her much appreciation. I didn't complement her or show her love. But through all of this she stayed with me and let me try to figure myself put. I got deployed to I Iraq and for the whole year I did the same thing I. Then about 2 months left in th deployment I asked her for a divorce cuz I knew I wasn't making her happy and that she might be better off without me. With about a month left I told her I didn't want a divorce and that she ment everything to me. When I got back we had the post deployment high but instead of me working on our marriage with her I just thought every thing was fine. About 3 weeks ago she told me that she had an affair in oct which was 2 months after I got back. Now she wants space and isn't ready to work on us. She goes out every night with friends that I font know and that she meet at a bar. So I looked on the phone bill and checked her emails and found out that she has been going out with one guy in priticular. She tells me he's just a good friend that she feel safe with. I've been pushing her to talk about it and the more I push the more she pushes back. She talks to and texted this guy all day long. I've tried everything from treating to leave to kicking her out to telling her to cut it off or I'll leave. And everything I do her response is the same. She says she never got a chance to be herself that I took her adult years away and that she needs the space to be herself. We go to marriage counseling and she goes to counseling herself. Everyone is telling me that I just need to back off and give her space which I am doing now but it's like I get home help with the kids then they go to bed and she's out the door to see this guy. She tells me she's going to go hand out with him. In about 2 weeks were leaving for Georgia and I'll be away from this whole situation but u don't want her to resent me for taking her away. I want her to make a decision to be with me not based on her leaving but based on her just wanting me back. I know I'm not the one to make her happy now and I take splice in that fact that she is happy but it hurt so much everytime she leaves cuz I know she dosent want me. Ohh she has been diagnosed with antisocial disorder so it's like everytime she has a problem she runs away from it. So everytime we argue or fight about this or even talk it like she's moving farther and farther away from me. I feel so helpless. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Who is watching the child?
I'm assuming you are.

yeah i am watching the child. but i go to work in the morning and she gets up and lays on the couch and just lets her run wild.

Here's where I am going with this ....

Chances are, your wife will not suddenly become a model mother.
You impregnated a young "woman" who, unfortunately, has no workable frame of reference for parenthood and family.

Your wife is showing no signs that she intends to mature, and become a loving stable wife/mother.

Quote

She says she never got a chance to be herself that I took her adult years away and that she needs the space to be herself.

You better get an attorney, and find out what it will take for YOU to become the custodial parent, should this M fall apart.

Get an attorney.
Your wife may be doing drugs.

Get an attorney.
You made a HUGE mistake ... and your priority is now your child, not your marriage.

she is a actually a great mother before the whole thing with me wanting a divorce. she does take care of the kids and i know she is not on drugs. i love her and refuse to believe that that is the answer.

1) Put your foot down. Don't let her go hang out with the guy. If she wants to go out, you go with her. I'm sure if you go out with your wife, the OM won't be comfortable hanging around the both of you. Either get a sitter or bring the kid with you.

2) Delete OM from your WW's phone and change her number. Disable texts if you have to. Don't put up with her crap.

3) Your WW is an addict and you are enabling her.

4) Call up OM's parents and let them know he needs to stop fooling around with a married woman.

5) Quit being afraid of your WW. Your fear is what is enabling this to continue.

GREAT mothers do not go out to bars every night.
GREAT mothers do not lay around exhausted from partying the night before, while allowing their baby to "run wild".


GREAT mothers read to their baby.
GREAT mothers take their baby to the park/museum/zoo/grandmas.
GREAT mothers turn off the TV and play with their baby.
GREAT mothers spend their energy making a safe and secure nest for their babies.

There's more than one?

Yeah we have 2 children ones 4 and the other is 18 months


Jmwc-I've been told by everyone to back off even my mother

Yeah we have 2 kids thier 4 and 18 months

jmwc- everyone is telling me to give her space even my mother go figure

Everyone has no clue. If you have an alcholic or drug addict, do you let them have space so they can further their addiction or do you show them tough love to get them to end their habit. You are not driving her away, she is wanting space to continue her affair. If you give her plenty of space, she'll have no reason to quit and will continue until you eventually get fed up with her and leave. Your primary focus should be getting NC between her and OM by any means possible. Only then will your relationship have any chance to improve.

Itold her I'm not putting up with this guy anymore and I told him to atop all contact with her. She says it's not about him it's about not wanting me anymore. She said that she got over me after I asked for a divorce. I messed up a lil cuz I got mad and said fine I'll take the kids and leave which made her mad. She said she dosent want to work this out anymore and she dosent love me. I told her I'll cut her phone off if she dosent stop talking to him and she's not going anywhere without me i've also taken her money away but she thinks I'm just trying to back her in a corner and leave her stuck with me. What should I do now?

You talked to him?

Yeah

Sorry yeah I know the guy so I told him if my marriage was to have any chance that he needs to cut all contact

Is he in the service ????

No not in the service just some 22 year old guy who has no car works at a hotel and dosent have his own place

If this guy is active duty .....your in the drivers seat..... got to have some evidence which sounds like you can get in no time... with a friend and a camera follow the WW next time .....

Go to his commander show what you got ...... ask that he do his duty per UCMJ .......

With out being ugly make sure that you'll run it up the chain if he doesn't control his troop......

It's grounds for a dishonorable discharge.....

If you can get the OM to dump your WW it will be the best way to brake up the A

In the mean time you need to read "her needs his needs"......and "surviving an affair" by Dr Harley.....You've got some work to do to learn how to be a great husband.......

You've got to be on your A-game if you are going to save this thing.......

ok forget what I just posted....except the book part

Have you told him how angry a Iraq vet can get when some A-hole is on his turf.....

Without touching him and with some moral support from your buds I bet you could explain to him that you love your wife and are trying to save your marriage and how wise it would be for him to keep his distance from your wife.........

Follow through. She'll get over it. She'll kick and scream and make threats of divorce (I might have decided to stay but this is the last straw, bs). As long there is no other guy in the picture anymore, she'll stay with you.

When you go to georgia do NOT leave your kids with her. Talk to your commanders.

She dosent want to end this over the phone she wants all of us to talk in person. Shoud I do that? I mean in person really.

She can send him a letter that you approve. No way should she ever see this guy in person again. She doesn't get to dictate how it ends.

She said she ended it over the phone and that she totally dosent love me anymore because I'm trying to control her and make her stay with me. I feel like complete crap because she waited for me and I won't wait for her. I feel like I made a mistake and am just trying to get what I want. I love her and just want her to be happy.

how do i start a new post

There is a "New Topic" tab. Click and begin. If you are still having trouble, email me.

I assume you are saying he lives with his parents....TELL THEM.

Exposure to his parents, that he lives with will hopefully make dating and talking to your wife so not worth it for OM he'll disappear to greener pastures. He's 22...the world is his oyster, what's he doing messing around with a married, potentially mentally ill, mother of two children and an apparently tee'd off military husband. His parents will knock some sense in the boy and your wife will go nuts (which only serves to undermine the relationship further as he likes the secret cheating wife and not the PISSED AT THE WORLD desperate crazed madwoman that you wife has become due to exposure. Just more reason FOR HIM TO WALK AWAY.

Call up his parents...explain who you are and that their son is having an affair with you wife and that you'd appreciate any help they can offer/give to you as you try to save your marriage (and family).

Whether you want to save it or not (or should) is up to you. Tough call as this MAY be a good time to get out and achieve primary custody of your children as wayward wives are often, but not always, stupid when it comes to legal matters and securing their rights. They often get so caught up in the addiction that they screw up their own cases.

Mr. Wondering

Aden,

Mr.W is spot on..........

Put that good head of your to work and apply this advice......

Blah, blah, blah. She'll get over it. If she wants to leave, she can file for divorce. She doesn't want to leave, she just wants a husband AND a boyfriend. If she maintains NC w/ OM, she'll start working on things with you again.

Stick around here. Read up on Dr. Harley's concepts. You need to learn what her most important ENs are, how to meet them, and what love busters you are committing and how to stop them. Your work is just getting started.