So WH and I are reading Surviving an Affair. I've already read it but going over again (can't hurt!!) He says the descriptions Dr. Harvey uses...craving, intoxicated, captivating.. are right on. He remembers standing in the shower one morning thinking when am I going to see OW and realizing this is not good - I should not be planning my day around OW. That was just the beginning.

Man that HURTS!!! How do I accept the depth of this? He says even hugging her was like the first drink to an alcoholic. Glad he is being honest but ahhh. This is brutal.

Recovery ain't for sissies.

(((( HUGS ))))

I read your signature. Are you still in Plan A?

Dear Was,

Recovery is very hard. The one thing I can say at this point is that your WH is telling you his deepest emotional thoughts about the affair. This is actually a good thing - because those thoughts USED to be secrets he shared with someone else.

With each secret that he tells you


he breaks the bond with the OW.


Each secret is one thread of the rope that tied him to her.


Listen to each one, and imagine him cutting free of her. Watch her ship being cut loose and drifting off to sea, and never coming back toward you again.


Ask him for more, because as he opens up to you he sees you as his lighthouse.

Be there for him - listen with an open heart. Listen as he tells you things that hurt you, because what you learn from him you can turn into bonds between him and YOU.


SB

Wow, schoolbus, that was great.

Thank you for the encouragment. It means so much

schoolbus....that was awesome. Very encouraging.

Was,

I think that the fact that he is reading the book and opening up to you is HUGE. I wish I could get my H to do the same. That is my goal- I have ordered the book so fingers crossed!

Washi,

""He says even hugging her was like the first drink to an alcoholic.""

This is actually a great breakthrough or milestone for him. He is realizing what it actually was, and not some deep abiding love or thinking she is his soul-mate .

The should help him with his withdrawal from the OW.

Like Schoolbus says, take all he has to dish out right on the chin. It will bring you closer to each other.

imho

kirk

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Ugh...makes my stomach churn, but I hear what you are saying.

He finished the book today. We've actually completed the EM and LB questionare before, but I think we better go back through.

Had a momentary panic attack today. He didn't answer his phone and I ended up driving to where he was supposed to be. He was there, had his phone on vibrate and didn't feel it. He immediately understood, but AHHHH. The past came flooding in...May 2009 he was not where he was supposed to be and I watched him walk out with OW from his office on a saturday. Not good. ANXIETY.

(((WAS)))

Oh, I am sure that all of the "firsts" are going to suck. I have read that it will get better but you have to go through these first. You are doing GRAND. Keep it up.

Yeah, I remember those. It'll get better as he shows continued transparency.

So tomorrow is husbands last official day of work so he has to actually go. (He's been taking off the last 2 weeks and starts a new job Monday) I would be lying if I said I wasn't freaking out. OW knows it is his last day and I would be SHOCKED if she doesn't do her best to contact him....based on her past not staying away after him telling her to several times. He is writing out a schedule for me and is planning on being out of HIS office as much as possible. I know he will do his best to stay away from her, but I also know he is addicted....all it takes is the first sip. Many co-workers know and bosses know so it won't be easy, but...this office is BUSY so people are out and about a lot. I guess I have to trust him.
AND just to vent...OW has changes her facebook pic to her wedding day pic. She had only been married a year when she had an A with my husband and does not want things to have ended. I just want to knock her face off. Yes I know I can't be looking at her facebook. Blah

Too bad you can make a "comment" about the pic - "So who'da thought a year later from this day you'd already be cheating?"

Ahem-- back to MB. STOP looking at her FB!!

SOMEBODY HOLD MY HAND!!
So FWH came home from work (new job) today and told me he was thinking about OW today and wondering how she is. He said he was "longing for her, repulsed by it, and sad". He said he felt like calling her to see how she is, but that he kept thinking how would I tell my wife this and how would she feel about it. He said I know we have read about and talked about withdrawl but this is the first time I've really felt like this.

I know it is a good sign he is telling me this, but DANG it HURTS!!! Need some coping strategies.

WHS, my sponsor has one saying that always seems to surface when I least want to hear it. And it always is exactly the thing I need to hear:

"This too, shall pass."

at least he was repulsed by it.... there's gotta be some value in that. I like Fred's thing. This too, shall pass. Awesome.

Washis,

Echoing Schoolbus' excellent commentary earlier, this is good.

As much as it hurts to hear, TRUTH IS THE ONLY DISINFECTANT here and it is far, far better for your fWH to be telling YOU than keeping secrets and lying and scapegoating.

Honest, repentant confession --> understanding & bonding --> forgiveness & new beginnings --> healing & love.

Thanks guys. It helps just to know I'm not alone.
It just feels impossible to love someone who is longing for someone else.
We've started our scheduled alone time. I can see how that's going to make a huge difference. Man it's tough to fit that many hours in!!
Thanks for the support.

I know everyone thinks his telling you this stuff is wonderful, but I know how you feel.

Don't you think..."Jeeze I know this makes YOU feel better, but couldn't ya just hold some of the details back?"

Side note: I come from a long line of people (including my H) who say they are telling me the "truth" to help me- if I like it or not. (sometimes I don't like it!)

Yeowch!

I often find myself obsessing about OW...
What is she doing?
Is she pretending nothing happened?
How are she and her husband getting along? (he knows)
Is she missing my husband?
Does she wish my husband had chosen her?
How does she feel at work knowing most co-workers know what happened?
Is she angry with herself?
Does she regret it?
Did she ever think of how she was hurting my family?
Why was she so hostile towards me?
Is she going to try to contact my husband?
Is she going to do this again?
Will she divorce her husband?
Etc, etc, etc...

I know it isn't healthy or productive, but I don't stop myself. I want to destroy her life - which is such a waste of thought, energy, and time. But - in this moment I can't help but indulge myself

As long as you keep those thoughts/visions confined to rants here on MB.

The thoughts about OW will fade. Trust me-- BTDT. I was obsessed with thinking about OW (x2) for a long, long time. Now, they rarely cross my mind but are easily banished quickly.

In fact, my DH and I actually had a conversation about them the other night. As in I asked him if he still believes they were good people. He was like, What??!??!! I reminded him of how he would defend them when we first started recovery. He was appalled that he ever said that (he was still foggy). Now he says of course they were, just as much as he was.

The cool thing is that that conversation wasn't hurtful or painful -- just kind of sad. The pain and obsession does subside with recovery.

And that's how you know they've truly changed. When they become disgusted with themselves.

It is so strange. I know that thinking about her makes me miserable, that I will get anxiety, sadness, anger...but I still do it. I read Mark's thread today about memories and emotions and I'm going to start working on that.

I know it is crazy, but some days I just want to get even with FWH...go out and have my own A just to put him in my shoes. YUCK. It is ridiculous, but some days it hurts so much. Thank God for my children that keep me grounded.

I always appreciate the advice and reassurance.