Trying to understand during the A crisis why I wanted to have sex constantly (not that it happened). Is the a common phenomenon, can someone point me to other posts/articles about this?

I did. And do. Unfortunately he was always willing to have sex with me so I never figured out something was wrong...except maybe the fact that I was initiating it more than he was, when it had always been the other way around.

Now, it's like this need to make him connect to me again. Beats me if it's common, but that's the way I feel about it.

It's called the fight or flight response. It's the biological response of animals to acute stress. You were trying to lure your WH back to you. It was a natural response and I did it as well. Those who respond with flight, well obviously they chose the opposite route.

I have heard this is common and experienced it myself. A friend who is 3 years post d-day and recovering told me I was "reclaiming" what was mine. Another friend who just found out last Christmas is pregnant from it! Fortunately, she and her WH are recovering also!

LOL, it's called Hysterical Bonding and it's really very, very normal and common.

It has something to do with trying to reclaim what was yours, emotionally bond to the person you promised your life to, etc.

I've seen quite a lot of people get freaked out by it but like I said...totally normal and common.

hey me too, claiming what was mine and knowing that connection is what I needed and the marriage needed. Even though at first it was only me who needed to be close he never turned me down.....
In Recovery now.......
I feel it was necessary but I guess a strange response knowing he had an affair.......
Glad it's all normal and I'm not a nut case........

Nope, not a nutcase, most of us have been through it. For some reason it's not talked about much here but I think it should be so no one is freaked out by it.

You're right, it's not talked about much......my thoughts are because there are some people who are very vocal about whether BS's should not be having sex with WS for STD's reasons. I remember when I was in Plan A and the big message going around at that time was for BS's NOT to meet that need because who knows what disease they are exposing themselves to......

I get that stand, however, it makes hard for a BS's to talk about it for fear of being read the riot act......

I agree, I haven't mentioned it to anyone except our counsellor and the great folks on here!

WH says we have a crazy physical attraction and that's one thing that never changed during the entire A. GLAD that I am not the only one who feels the need to jump WS's bones!

Assuming your talking about wanting SF with the WS during the affair as opposed to during recovery...

Felt it, did it, regret some of it.

As to why... Prove your still desirable to them, suddenly you don't have SF on 'tap' any more so to speak, the challenge, revenge on the OP, feeling of superiority to the OP, WS is the only person you feel you CAN have SF with, an attempt to keep some sort of bond there, see if you can SF your way back into their heart, for the slight feeling of companionship, gaining the unattainable...

there are alot of reasons why, and they change from person to person, day to day.

I admitted it, often, to my MB friends. I was given several potential cooties warning, but ultimately it was my decision.

You are not crazy. DDay for me was 4 months ago with LOTS more info trickling out over time (more hurtful in the long run). My WH and I have been "hysterically bonding" since that day. I just felt like it was the only way to "connect" with him and take back what was mine.

Well hello there, Y3boys...

Are you really all that surprised that it took the hysterical bonding thread for me to finally jump on here? LOL

No I guess I shouldn't be, now should I?

I find this topic very interesting as psychology is intriguing to me. I came across this article regarding the "fight or flight response". It's amazing how the human brain works!
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When I was a psychology professor in the 1990s, it was commonly accepted that there were two ways that people coped with fear: fight or flight. The scientific understanding at that time was that when we sense a threat, our body shoots noradrenalin in our blood stream, causing our heart to pound faster, and our muscles to fill with increased blood. This biological response readied us to sustain increased physical activity, whether to fight or run away. The fight or flight theory lent credence to the liberal's contention that the conservative response to wage war in Iran was a response to fear-- to fight.

But a more recent theory supports the conservative contention. When Shelley Taylor at UCLA looked at the research on fight or flight, she found that it was primarily based on studying men. In her studies of women, she found a very different response to fear, which she termed "tend and befriend." It also had biological underpinnings. When women sensed a threat, they emitted oxytocin, sometimes called the bonding hormone. Rather than fight or flee, they would talk, soothe, and try to connect. I saw a similar response to fear when I worked with women rape victims. Many reported that rather than fight off their assailant or try to flee, they were kind to the rapist in hopes that he would change his mind.
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Here's the link Related article

Can we talk a bit more on "hysterical bonding" or can someone point me to a thread that talks about it?

Is this something considered a good thing, or a not so good thing in Plan A and working on repairing the marriage?

I am not one of the "vets" so I can only give you my perspective on it. I think it has helped me personally big time. I just felt that this was the only way to reconnect with my WH. I really looked forward to putting the kids to bed and spending time with my husband (ya, I know for so many reasons).

The other peice to this is one of his top EN's is SF, but mine isn't. Hysterical bonding is meeting both of our needs at this point, his SF and my need to connect/reclaim. How could this not be a good part of Plan A (in my sitch) is my question?

The only time it might *not* be considered good is if you know (or strongly suspect) that the wayward is having sex with the OP, for STD reasons.

If you are certain the A is over and you are in Plan A, it is VERY IMPORTANT to meet this need, especially if it's a top EN.

And even when it's not a top need (seems to be rare that it isn't a top need for either the H or the W, however), most couples seem to go through the "hysterical bonding" thing and YES it's very good and very healing in recovery.

I agree....how could it be bad?

my FWH top EN was also SF. This happened to us, HB, and I wasn't sure until now that it happened to others. We have been bonding since shortyly after DDay in Dec. I think it has made things better for us, I giving him his EN and he in turn fulfilling mine. It's kinda like the vicious circle of unmet needs (of the past) is now being met and coming back full circle.

Basically it's a biological response to fear that causes a hormone to be released that causes the desperate need to bond or connect with the spouse. You're seeking to reclaim the spouse through the most intimate of acts. I remember for myself, it awoke a physical desire for my WH that I had not felt in a very long time. I was able to overlook and temporarily forget the fact that he had cheated. It was starting to fade however, as his wayward, foggy ways continued. It didn't however, carry over to meeting other EN. The anger was just too much for me and WH was fully fogged out.

Ok, that's what I thought as well. It was just the terminology that kinds of makes it sounds like a put-off.

I think that's where we are right now as well.....

The way I interpreted the question was that the sexual desire towards WS is during the A.
It happened to me both times. First A, H was willing to have sex with me and later on said that he did it in a "mechanical" way to keep me from losing it....
Second A he did not want to have sex with me period. At the beginning I did not know he was in an A and he simply refused to have sex with me. Never initiated it and when I did he refused. The last week we spent together he moved to a separate room. By then I had just found out about the A and tried to initiate sex 2-3 times. But again, nothing...he refused.
That was the sign he was really over with me and the M.
As far as wanting to have sex during the A: I thougth I was sick to want it. Risky as well, but I still did it in the hope to win him back and also because I felt so rejected and the sex with him told me that somehow he still found me attractive...
blessing