This may be long so forgive me.
I am 47 and been married 25years together 27yrs. Last May09 my Husband was on computer and I noticed he kept looking in my direction. So I got suspicious and went on my laptop and found he was chatting in a sexual manner with a woman. So I confronted him about this and at first he said they were "Just Friends". I explained to him that I was not happy about the kinda talk they were doing. I did more snooping and found out they had been chatting for 8 months. I was devasted. I sent this OW an email giving her a piece of my mind and telling her to back off. My husband said he would stop the chatting and would only talk to her about work related matters since they work in the same building. Well I found out early march 2010 he created a fake face book and she was his friend.They had been chatting via facebook for 3 months. I am so devastated hurt, mad confused, betrayed, emotionally drained. I did confront him right away and he said he knew i would find out and that they were just friends and they had some things in common. Well he finally came around after I confronted him in front of my 2 teens and told him its me or OW. He slept on couch and next morning came in to my room and explained to me that his Dad would sit in the car in front of there house when he was younger for a while and he was usung this OW as a means of "escaping". He apologized to me and the kids for what he has done.I sent an email to this Skank and told her to Back off.I have put a program on his computer to monitor his keystrokes,email,screen shots,etc. and he has no idea its on there and has been on there for over a month. He has been good and seems to be trying but I lack any trust in him at all. I cant get into his blackberry it is a work phone, he works for the government. I did get into his beeper and saw he had her work email and work phone in it. I confronted him about this also and he said he forgot it was in there and he has to figure out how to delete it which he has done. I told him he better not have her info in his blackberry and if he does to delete it . He told me he has never had sex with this OW and doesnt even know where she lives. She is 49 and divorced. He tells me he loves me and that he understands why he did this he was Escapingfrom the real world. He is still living and sleeping in the same bed as me. We are trying to make it work but I feel like a spy and have no trust in him.I dont want to be a fool for a 3rd time. What am I suppose to do?

So sorry you are here, but welcome and you will get tons of help and advice. I'm not a vet, but they will be here soon. listen to them, they have helped me on more than one occasion.

You need to demand he take a polygraph. My husband works for the gov't also and when I demanded this he fessed up.. (polygraphs are his worst nightmare, he is required to take one in certain situations)...there were lots of lies! like, sex when he said they were just talking.... I have not had him take the polygraph yet, I want to wait 6-8months to do it. To be sure there has been NC. But, If you think there is more, and your gut will let you know, then by all means do it now.

WS's lie lie lie!!

BTW...not to scare you....but, when I first discovered my FWH stupidity, it was in an email, and he said they were just talking, (him asking her what she was wearing....) "nothing happened!" and of course I was dumb enough to believe him!

it took me 2 1/2 months to find out the real story! he maintained his innocense until I found real proof

Thanks for the feedback. I am not scared I want the truth. I will wait and monitor him online for a while. I want to see if he screws up. I will definitely think about the polygraph test he had one last year from his work. Any advice is helpful.I am strong and willing to do whatever I have to save our marriage, but if its not worth saving I will leave. Please keep the thoughts coming I really need the input.

There is daily contact. You can only recover your marriage when they get to No Contact for life. Someone has to leave this employer.

There is not another option.

Are you sure she is divorced? How did you verify that information?

There is more to this than you know.

Gracielee, welcome to MB.

Chances are your WH (wayward husband) is lying to you. But first things first. You'll need to start by reading the basic concepts on the right. You only have his word about the OW, that she is divorced. There's a chance she isn't. Part of Plan A is doing an exposure to everyone that may have any influence over him to stop his affair. But wait on that until you read up on the materials and learn how this whole thing works.

Continuing spying but if you discover anything don't confront him with it just yet. Try and find out if the OW really is divorced. If she was his friend on FB, can you still get on there and figure out who HER friends are? FB is a GREAT exposure tool.

Do some reading and then come back here and ask questions.

My husband told me she was divorced and on her Facebook page it said divorced/single.

I will talk to my husband about looking for another job. Right now he is the only one employed and the job market is not the greatest right now. Im with you on the No Contact for life.

I am also going to request he does a polygraph test.

Please keep the info coming I need all the advice I can get.

I have been on her facebook page and yes she is divorced and single. I have read her wall thoroughly and all the replies to and from friends say she is divorced. I will read up on the materials. Thanks everyone!

One of my "friends" on Facebook decided to walk out on his family one day and never look back. He changed his status to "single" that very day. That was over 2 months ago. He has yet to even file for divorce, but he is still listed as "single" and by looking at his page, you'd never guess he is very much still a married man with children. Do not rely on any information from Facebook. People put whatever they want on there, and it doesn't have to be remotely true.

Thanks I will check the local government website for public records on divorce. Keep the help coming I really appreciate it!

Hi Gracielee,
Sorry you are here, but glad you found MB. It has helped us and I am sure it will help you as well.

My husband also said he and the co-worker were just friends...that they took flirting too far, but that was it. I found the hotel receipt 7 months later. If they are using that language I would say chances are there is more going on
Hopefully you have discovered the EA before it has turned to PA, but I would prepare yourself.

I called my husbands boss to out them. Turned out they knew and spoken to both of them before about it. Co-workers suspected but were not sure. Was VERY embarrasing, but outing him to them kept people watching. He ended up having to leave his job b/c OW would not follow no contact. If I had any piece of advice looking back I would say CHANGE JOBS and fast!!! I so regret not making him change jobs the very first day I thought something was going on. Would have potentially saved us a ton of heartache. It is VERY hard when you are relying on the income, but necessary - even if he has to take vacation for a while to find something. Believe me, believe me, it is necessary.

You can get a samll voice activated recorder and some velcro and place it under the seat of his car. These work very well and are inexpensive. I got one at Best Buy for about $42. My FWH spent his drives to and from work on the phone w OW.

Also there are very small gps's you can place in his car, then download where he has been every few days. I have not done this, my FWH's OW was far away) but a lot of posters here have.

read, read, read

Let us know how things go! stay strong/calm and put your big girl panties on!

Sorry you are here but welcome. My H had an EA with a coworker about 2.5 yrs ago. When I discovered it, I freaked out and my H stopped the texting/phone calling part of the A but continued to see OW at work. When I came here and told my story, everyone hammered me with the same message ---> you will keep having d-days while they are still working together and won't be able to recover until there is 100% NC.

Here is what Dr. Harley has to say about this:


It turned out to be so true, after a few weeks, I found out they were still talking/flirting at work even though he swore on a stack of bibles it was over. Once he left the workplace and "defogged", he would be the first person to tell you working together with an AP won't work. Just glancing at each other will trigger the addictive thoughts and feelings.

Who else have you exposed this to other than your children? I would definitely consider exposing it at the workplace and also to OW's FB list.

hang in there!

I also wanted to add that the only reason my H's EA didn't go PA is because OW was engaged and wanted to be with her fiance. She was just using my H for the attention but didn't want to be physical with him. Please prepare yourself for the worst, I wouldn't be surprised if you found out your H's EA was actually a PA.

Here is some critical reading for you:

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Read my lips: No contact means no contact

Thanks for the links SusieQ. I am reading the Plans and trying to soak it all in. I went out and bought a Voice activated recorder and velcro.I will put it under his seat when he goes to bed tonite. I will keep snooping and I will tell husband that he needs to seek other employer and have no more contact for life with this OW. Thanks everyone, sorry you are on here too. Keep all the help coming. Gracie

keep up the good work!

I wish I had know about this site in Oct. It would have saved me a lot of heartache!

Updates.

So far nothing on Voice activated recorder- been in car only a day.
Nothing on his computer- Webwatcherdata has been in stalled over a month.
We talked friday and I insisted he take a polygraph test which he has agreed to. Appointment is on tuesday. It is expensive but my marriage is worth it.
He did admit that he asked the OW "jokingly"for sex and that she stated men hit on her all the time and it would never happen??? Also that her ex-husband died of prostate cancer several years ago.
Busy weekend so I will try to get back soon. Keep all the help coming.You all have been very helpful. Thank You!!!

Make sure that you go through with the polygraph. He may try to "admit" to some stuff just so you won't go through with it. There have been some people on here that said their WS was in the car in the parking lot ready to go into the polygraph when they either backed out or confessed to some of it. You can do this.

He is taking the day off. I told him when I asked him to do the polygraph test we will go together. He seems fine about taking it so we will see what comes of all this.... And believe me I won't feel guilty about spending the money even if he passes,its my piece of mind. So we will wait til tuesday. Keep the help coming I am thankful I found MB!!! Gracie

Well tomorrow is the polygraph tests.Im anxious to find out the truth no matter how much it hurts! I already feel he did have sex with her even though he denies it. The voice recorder has no good conversations on it, him only talking to me. I will just keep replacing the batteries! The webwatcherdata I installed over a month ago still shows nothing. It's almost like im just waiting for him to screw up. Otherwise had a nice weekend. Thanks everyone for all the advice if you have anymore keep them coming.

Gracie

Well he passed the polygraph,now what? I oredered several books for both of us. He told me he understands the hell he put me thru and will answer all my questions. He wants this marriage to work he told me and knows it will take time to rebuild trust if ever!

Well, you need to get your recovery plan together.

Now that you know the answers to those questions, does it feel better? Just curious.

The poly just gives you more pieces to the puzzle, but really doesn't change the fact that he can't work or see (even in passing) OW anymore ~ that is a requirement for recovery regardless of whether or not they had sex.

Have you discussed NC with him? If so what does he say?

Scotland- Thanks for the advice about the recovery plan. Also it feels good that he did not have a sex with this OW BUT he did have an EA and that still hurts!

SusieQ- Yes the puzzle pieces are coming together. And like I said it still hurts that he had an EA with co-worker. I am happy that he loved me enough not to escalate it to sex. The EA went on & off for almost 2yrs. He has asked for a transfer.He will be transferring to another local area, June 15th. So until then yes he will be in the same building as the OW. They do not work in the same area but yes she's still in the building! Got that! He sent a No Contact letter that I read and approved. We are both going to read together the book HSHN and the others i ordered. We have work to do. The poly did give me a big sigh of relief.I feel more relaxed but still will keep my snooping devices out there.They may be there for a while maybe forever, I don't know. As for now I will not let this OW have an power in my marriage. I am putting all my energy & focus on making our marriage strong. Is there anywhere on this site about the recovery plan? Is that plan B? I appreciate all your help and I am thankful I found this site.

Gracie

I just wanted to Thank everyone that gave me advice almost a year ago! Since then we have read the books together, did EN questionaires, POJA and 20hrs UA, weekly. He was transferred to another location in July. It was suppose to be June 15th, 2010 but he had to stay a lil over a month longer. I have access to all passwords and he has access to mine. My advice to BS just finding out that your spouse has cheated is to EXPOSE!! If you can get there Facebook contacts put the contacts in a document then expose. Unfortunately I did not do that so I went to OW & WH place of employment and put letters (flyers) on all the car windows. They work on a military installation which I had access to get on. Luckily I didn't get in trouble, lol. OW was involved in a Ski club that had a facebook acct so i did hit all the contacts on the page.
I got many positive responses back from married woman thanking me and some not so positive. But all the positive outweighed the negatives!!
My husband did pass the polygraph and it was a great piece of mind BUT never put all your trust out there!
My husband is taking me to Hawaii this year for our 26th wedding Anniversay in August. This is somewhere I have always wanted to visit and im so ready to hit the beaches!!
We are in Recovery now and the 2nd DDay will be here soon. I am making plans for a weekend getaway to one of our favorite places!
Thank You MB for guiding us on making our Marriage stronger. God Bless you all you are in my prayers.

Gracie

Glad to hear your update! GREAT job! Congratulations on your recovery!

I am happy for you Grace. Continue the plans, and I am sure you will do GREAT.

When you have time, that doesn't interfere with your UA time with your F(?)WH come and lend a hand around here. It's always good to hear from some success stories.