I'm kinda new to this site but not really, my husband, Wheels_spinning, showed it to me last month, and I have been addicted to it ever since LOL. A lot of great support and great advice!

Here is my story,
Wheels and I have been married for 7 years now, last July I started texting a male friend of ours, and it became an EA REAL QUICK! I didn't realize that I had some needs that were not being met because Wheels and my relationship had always been so open and honest! Family and Friends always looked up to us on how well our marriage was working, so it became a shock to me that I was having feelings for this male friend of ours. I was in denial that what I was in an EA right at the beginning. I loved my husband, and I told my male friend this plenty of times, but I would not stop what I was doing, because at the time it was "harmless" the EA lasted for about 3 months. Wheels confronted me about it and I did not want to lie to him, mostly because I was glad that he found out, not in a bad way, but in a good way that we will be able to start working on our marriage.

Months go by, and I kept telling myself that everything will be fine until....I found someone to vent with. LADIES! PLEASE DO NOT VENT WITH MALE FRIENDS! Anyway needless to say I was having another EA months later with another close friend of ours, someone we new for 5 years! The first EA was only months after meeting him. With the second EA it was quicker then the first, I actually fell in love with him within weeks! And by then my feelings for Wheels were totally gone, I was a different person my family, friends, and kids saw this. And because I had so much FOG in front of me I didn't realize I was hurting my own family! DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL! It's amazing how just one little word can ruin your WHOLE LIFE!

During the second EA I would not end it. Wheels found out right when it started (because of the patterns...he's a very smart man) we did MC, read together, etc. I was literally sabotaging my marriage, and my own life just to be with this other man. Because I was not ending the relationship, I kept telling myself "I'll do MC, and if I still feel the same way in the next 9 month then its over" You see ladies or gentleman "what you think about, you bring about" and that is totally TRUE! If you think your marriage is going to end...IT WILL! And that my friend is called "self sabotage!"

Wheels knew exactly what he had to do, he had to expose this EA, only a hand full of people knew this was going on, and Wheels knew that this would devastate the affair! And it did! After the exposure I was sure never to see Wheels ever again. I hated him at that point, and threatened him with everything you can think of. I was the one that left, he didn't give me the Plan B letter, I volunteered to leave. Not to the other man, you see at this point I realized I was messed up, and I knew I needed help mentally. So I went to my sisters in Colorado knowing full well what my intentions were and they where:

Fix me emotionally
and to never see Wheels ever again
I wouldn't have any contact with ANYONE (except my two boys)even the other man.

My main purpose was to literally fix myself cause I knew I was emotionally broken, and I couldn't do that with Wheels around, not when I had so much resentment inside myself.

Within 6 hours LITERALLY!! 6 hours of me being there something changed. I don't know what to call it, other than a "Change of heart"

These were the facts that I strongly believed:
I was not happy
I was in emotional pain for 9 months (during the EA)
I was different, not myself.
I did not love myself
I punished myself for the things I was doing to my family
I was self sabotaging my life

After 6 hours I realized what I needed to do, I needed to get MY LIFE back! My husband! My kids! And everything that made me so happy before those EA!

Satan has one purpose in this life, and that is to break families apart! WHY? because there is so much LOVE there, the reason why I wasn't myself because I believed it really wasn't me. Yes, I knew the actions of what I was doing, but if you read all of these posts you realize there is a pattern that is identical! Every WH or WW say's the exact same thing! I couldn't believe it until I read them! Because I SAID THE SAME WORDS! And guess what? You want to know who put those words in your WW or WH mind? SATAN!

It has been almost 3 months since the exposure and let me tell you how the facts are NOW:
I am soo much happier
I feel humble and blessed with the great husband that I have
I feel love in my family now
I feel remorse on what I did to my family

If you have an questions please ask!

Welcome, SR.


How are you doing with protecting your marriage from future affairs? Do you have concrete plans in place now? Things that we call Extraordinary Precautions - such as not being alone with other men, not spending the night away from home without Wheels being with you, giving Wheels all your passwords and emails...etc.?

Also, have the two of you begun the MB programs, filled out Emotional Needs Questionnaires?

I am happy to hear about your change of heart. I have read the posts from your BH, and am happy to see your marriage is coming into recovery!

SR

Welcome to Marriage Builders!




Your post made my day.

Nesre

Oh yes I am doing everything in my power to prevent an future affairs! Here is what I am doing:

1. No talking to male friends with out Wheels there that includes talking on the phone, txt, and emails. If I am talking to an old friend Wheels is present. But that happens very rarely!

2. He has all my passwords to everything!

3. I do not delete any text messages, so he can see them all!

4. We are doing the MB, Refraining form LB, fulfilling each other needs, practicing openness and honesty with our feelings, spending 15 hours of UA per week, setting goals for the future.

5. I am also respecting Wheels as a husband.

6. Keeping myself busy during the day while he is gone, but as soon as he is home I am there kissing him and hugging him!

I can probably go on FOR EVER!

I just hope that I can help other people who are in the same situation! Even if we are only in our 3rd month of recovery!

That's all great. I wish you both well.

A little advice....hang onto the memories of these happy bonding moments, so if/when the "resentment" pops up after your husband is out of the intinial hysterical bonding phase, you'll have something to hold onto. Anger is often a part of the grieving process, along with other emotions.

Wheels_spinning is an awesome guy who was brave enough to do what it took to stand up for your marriage! Bravo to Wheels_spinning!

What a fantastic post!! Can this be added to the notable post thread??!! This is the ultimate example of MB plans executed at their finest! The viewpoint of a FWS is so critical - too many new BS's are afraid to conduct the plans because they worry how their WS will react. You eliquently explain exactly how a wayward feels and reacts, and how critical things like exposure set the right things in motion to stop the affair and bring the wayward to his/her senses.

Congratulations on your recovery!

Mopey, I think it was all the happy memories I had with Wheels that kept me going. Like I said I was married 6 years when the EA happened and even though I said FOG babble "wasn't happy for years" BLA BLA BLA BLA....I was very happy in those years!

Right now I have NO anger or resentment on my DH he is and always will be the best man I know!

TY Melody! I know you helped out a lot! He always talks about some of the people here that helped him and you were one of them

Tabby I will ask Wheels on how to do that, I'm still kinda new here and wouldn't know how to do it

Wheels just left for work and I already miss him! I have a full day to keep my mind off things, but right now I just miss him! He slept in this morning because of the thunder storm that kept him up. My favorite thing from Wheels is when he cuddles me in the morning, that was actually one of the first things I fell in love with, the way he held me

Thanks babe! For trying so hard to work things out with me...BTW, I have no idea how to make this a notable post.

Anyhow, I am always amazed at how things worked out after exposure. I had a Plan A ready, a Plan B, and was expecting to put kids in daycare while I was at work and sapphire was out of town. I was ready for a long drawn out month after month battle, but it was really sapphire that had the surprising change of heart. She made things come together. After she realized that she needed to fix herself then everything else was easy. I wish other WS could turn around like sapphire. She is just amazing, and so willing to fix our marriage with me. I super appreciate that.

We were in the honeymoon phase of our marriage for the first 3-5 years. Now its like we are in that phase again. Only things are better now because we are avoiding LB's working on needs, and spending time together. Sometime I feel that we should spend more time with the kids, but when we are happy the kids are more disciplined, behave better, and our household is generally a better place.

Every once in a while I start thinking "What if...." Like what if this happens again. Or what if I lower my boundaries and I cheat? What if we end up being unhappily married for 50 years? I really have to force those thoughts out of my mind, and focus on trying to affair proof our marriage, and focus on making positive happy memories. If I do that then those "What if..." thoughts don't matter.

Thanks everyone for the good advice given on here, and we are so ready to try to help others.

OMG!! I have the biggest smile on my face with my eye's a little watery! I was so not expecting you to post something, and I LOVE THAT!! I think that adds about 50 points in the $LB

I think you should never pull down your boundaries, ever! Boundaries are not bad its what keeps marriage a live and happy! They will be the vital part in the next 20, 30, 50 years in our marriage, and I am totally on your boat!

Anyway kids are doing great just playing around the house, gunna help Elliot with his R's now I'll send a pix text to you so you can see how great he is on writing! He's so smart just like his daddy!

Awwww...you kids!

SR- Thanks for sharing your side. It is refreshing to see a 'good news' post in the midst of so much pain and suffering. I wish you and WS the best. He is a good man. I am very happy for you BOTH.

Congrats to you both, I wish you best of luck.

My wish is that more BS are like Wheels.

Great to hear a success story!


In what way? How he acted during the affair or now?

It takes a lot of hard work and effort from a wayward spouse including radical honesty, true remorse and evidence of changed behavior to evoke this type of a reaction from a betrayed spouse.

It's truly awesome that W&S are happy and in love with each other once again. I'm so happy for you both!

But to deerhunter:

Q: Whose responsibility is it for me to be in love with my husband?

A: His (Not mine ... learned this one from Steve Harley.)

If my spouse fails to create the conditions that allow me to fall/be in love with him, I will not be in love with him. He needs to make me feel safe and cared for first and then work diligently on meeting my emotional needs. (and thankfully he is!)

Until then ...

No romantic love.

for this!!! PLEASE do stick around! I think [though I have obvious bias ] that it is AWESOME when recovering/recovered couples stay and help others apply the MB Program! I always wish there were more!

A big welcome to SR!

The two of you here helping TOGETHER, will work wonders for your marriage if your experience in any way resembles ours. It gives us even more common ground and helps us to remain focused on our marriage and how important it is...I think this place is a GODSEND!

I'm very happy the two of you are here!

Mrs. W

I think DH71 meant unafraid to act and quit putting up with abuse. Wheels exposed, deleted contact info, cut out the computer, basically did everything he could to confront and end the affair. There are plenty of BSs that just allow themselves to get walked on and are afraid to do anything for fear of upsetting their WS.

If you mean how he is during the recovery phase - as in now, then I think you'll find that he would not be as he is without an honest, humble, repentant FWS willingly meeting his ENs. A FWS willing to "do whatever it takes for as long as it takes" is hugely, hugely important...

Mrs. W

Amen. It means everything.

I read into this as DH71 wishes that he and B5S could recover better than they are right now. A little DJ on your part DH for wishing your wife were able able to act like someone else. I wonder if I read into that right. If not, then I am sorry for my quick judgement.

Lunch time...Time to canoodle with saph!

YA!! Ty you all again! Wheels just came home for lunch and gave me a big squeeze! I am so glad that he found this site but I think it was that book "no Mr. nice guy" to give him balls on what he had to do to expose us! When I saw that book I teased him a bit cause i thought it was so funny....I'm not laughing now :P

What my actual meaning was, more BS's that will allow a WS to have the opportunity to make the changes after being hurt by such a terrible act. After that the outcome is dependent on the WS's ability to follow through.

I had no intention of causing a stir.

Wow - this is soooo awesome! I would love for Mrs. Linus to join me here on this Forum some day. I was always impressed that Mr. and Mrs. Wondering were here posting together and offering some wonderful, helpful information. It's great to have 'Mrs. Wheels' joining her hubby! SR, your first post on this thread is fantastic. I would cry like a baby if Mrs. Linus ever posted something like that!

We are still early in R and have a couple of issues still to resolve before we get to the point where you are, but we are progressing. I'll be updating my thread (ShesNotWalkingTheWalk) with some details, and would love SR's thoughts on what's going on.

God Bless both of you!

Ok so a couple weeks ago wheels told me that he deleted OM from FB, don't ask why he didn't do it sooner cause I don't even know anyway, that didn't bother me, was actually relieved that he did so! I no longer have a facebook page and probably wont ever have one, if I did set one up my husband will approve the friends not I. Anyway, so last night wheels told me that the OM was trying to contact him, apparently trying to still apologize. After he told me i got so frightened, then I ask him if he replied back! And wheels said "NO WAY! Never going to talk to him!" I was so scared that wheels replied back, I don't want the OM know how we are doing, I want him to forget about us all together! There is no reason why he should be contacting wheels, when he told me he didn't reply I was so relieved! You have know idea how scared I was when he told me, he told me right before I had to leave for a meeting. After I left I said a prayer in my heart asking god to give me strength to fight this feeling I was having at that time. I went to the meeting feeling so much better, even forgot about the conversation, I kept telling god how thankful I was for giving me a loving husband, and a second chance to this man's life.

At this point I am very happy, wheels and I have grown so much since the A ended and I am not going to have anything screw that up! I am taking every precaution for it NOT to happen again!

Yeah I was keeping it from Sapph but I thought I should at least warn her. The OM tied to contact me twice. First time was a little over a month ago, and the second time was about 2 weeks ago. Apparently he is feeling guilty? I read into it as he is trying to get contact back....no way is that going to happen!

What I should really do is remind him that he should respectfully not contact me or wife ever, and leave it at that. I really didnt want to let sapph know, but hiding things like that would eat me up inside. It is an issue that I think we need to discuss, and at least warn her that the OM is trying to contact me. Who knows what else he might try.

One time we were driving from Washington, and a strange call came in from a strange number. No one talked just silence. (Often, when OM would call sapph, he used a phone card and it would go to a random number in the states.) This also caused Sapphs heart to skip a beat, and she got scarred. Who knows if it was OM, but I really don't want a stalker, stalking me, my wife or, god help me, my kids.

I guess it is time for me to emphasise NO CONTACT. I will do it, not sapph, that would be a bad idea.

Thanx babe!

Sapphire, your story is inspirational..thank you for sharing and posting your thoughts. Do me (and perhaps others) a favor. Tell us some of your 'typical' wayward phrases that you used over and over...tell us why you were thinking them, what happened to change them, etc.

I KNOW I have to ignore her words....but sometimes, it is tough. Knowing what is coming out and why from someone like you, I believe, would be very helpful. Thank you.-

Oh I have tuns!! I've actually been helping SOT out, so if you want to read his post I give a lot of examples of WW phrases, and I also explain to him why she says these things and why she does what she does.

First thing I want to post for you though is what I truly know to be true of WS

I posted this on SOT thread and many more who I think needed it.

1. We want to avoid our family because it will be easier for us to justify what we are doing (the A). When we see them happy, we get angry, upset, jealous, resentful, etc. SO the reason why she doesn't want to see you and the kids is because of this reason. Same reason why we don't like it when our BS is nice to us, because we feel bad on what we are doing, so we just get angry, that is why PLAN A is sooo important! So that the WS feels guilty all the time, and when the fog lifts they will realize that the best thing for them is right in front of them, their FAMILY!!)

2. We are very unhappy in our marriage because we know we are the ones ruining it. I think its soo hilarious that the WS will blame the BS for their unhappiness. Even if she tells you that the A is over, she is lying, we lie, again to justify what we are doing, to convince our self's that the only thing that can help us become happy is to have an A, but the BIG OL TRUTH about that is the only reason why we are unhappy in our marriage, is because WE ARE having an A, and it is addiction. Isn't it funny when you hear all these people who say "I haven't been happy for years!" but yet the only person who is making themselves unhappy is them self? So they think having an A will FIX it, and guess what? It only DEEPENS there unhappiness.

3. WS LOVES to blame their unhappiness to there BS, we think it is their fault for letting us find someone else, we will think of every little thing that our spouse has done to us that made us feel bad. Letting them know that these were the reasons why we had an A, but in reality it is just another lie! WS are very good at lying to everyone, we are the best lires, want to know why? Because we do the biggest lie there is, and that, is WE LIE TO OURSELVES! We literally self sabotage our marriage and life! WS are very selfish, until that FOG lifts we do not realize it.

I'll think of some good phrases today on what WS say and WHY we say them, I'll write them when I can, when I get back

Thanks SR! You have been very helpful to many of us on here and you are appreciated. Wish you and Wheels nothing but the best.

This is my FAVORITE phrases that ALL BS say...

"I love you, but not IN LOVE with you."

this is the best lie that WS give there BS's mainly because of these reasons...

1. They know deep down they are still in love with you.

2. This is the only thing they can say to justify what they are doing with out feeling guilty, and does it work? H3LL NO! they still feel guilty, it's just another lie to them.

3. They think by saying this over and over to there BS they will ACTUALLY believe what they are saying, it's kinda like trying to convince your black shirt to be the color white, when in reality it will ALWAYS be BLACK!

Your WS KNOWS deep down they love you (in love!) but the way they feel inside they always have to lie to ourselves and the person we love the most, so we can stop feeling this emptiness, loneliness, and unhappy. So saying "i love you, but not in love with you" they think it will fix this pain they have....

IT DOESN'T WORK!!!

We can lie, cheat, and try to be happy, but in the end we ARE NOT!

Another CLASSIC phrase of a WS is...

"I have been unhappy for years!"

This one cracks me up, yes I can believe that all marriages have there issues, but the funny thing is even those marriages that have been SOO happy say this? Makes me laugh so hard! People we know it's just another LIE!

But here are the REASONS why WS say this phrase.

1. Once "feelings" are established with the OM or OW, WS will think of EVERYTHING, that there spouse has ever done to them, that they considered abusive, emotional, etc. I mean they will think of things that you did even BEFORE you were married!

2. Then they will start thinking...."Well, really I wasn't happy when he said this to me a couple years ago!" THAT'S where we get "OH I haven't been happy for years!!" When in REALITY, it was just ONE incident when you made them feel low, sad, angry, etc. After that they will start thinking about EVERYTHING you did to them and try to BLAME you for the A!

3. Last but NOT least, this is just ANOTHER LIE!!!!!! I have been happily married with my husband before this A happened, and guess what??? I said this EXACT PHRASE!! It's all BULLSH*T!

Even in a rocky marriage, every marriage has issues there is no doubt about it, but you know what? That does NOT give them the right to go cheat, trust me, IT WONT make them HAPPY! It will just make them MORE UNHAPPY!

This is another phrased (lie) that I gave my husband....

"I only THINK of you as a brother."

After awhile the BS will get tired of saying "Oh I love you, but not in love with you." Eventually it will get boring and they will need something else to back it up...back it up with another LIE that is!

1. WS, wont like kissing you, hug you, even make love to you, they start thinking "whats wrong with me?" what's wrong with them is that they are having an A and all those "Love" emotions are going to someone else. So when they distant from you, ignore your physical touches, they don't like it, mainly for guilt. They will start thinking that this is only brotherly love or sisterly love.

2. They will literally feel like they are cheating with there OM or OW, I know how sick this sounds! Because it IS! But that is how WS think, they dont want to "LOVE" there BS because they only think of that ONE person, and that person is not you

3. They know deep down that they love you, and instead of hurting your feelings, they will always mention loving you as a brother and sister. Because they can't explain what they are feeling, they think "How can I love TWO people?" they can't! When the fog finally starts to lift they will realize that the only person they TRULY LOVED was the person that they were already WITH! The other was just a fantasy drug.

I'll start with these three tonight...but I have more

More more more. Thank you. I do not know what you look like, talk like, anything...however, when I read your posts, all I see is my wife, usually sitting at the dinner table, telling ME those things. AND I LOVE to see the reasons behind these statements. Although I don't have my wife back, etc...these days, I feel PRETTY good..because I think everything is going according to these textbook ways that I learned here on these forums.

Looking forward to more..thank you for taking the time. I HOPE to be able to look back at these and laugh one of these days

Have you had a chance to read Resonance's thread? Just throwing it out there.

Which one, Scotland. The one she wrote about "Inside the Wayward Mind" or the most current one 2 years later where she acknowledges she never worked MB?

I think it might be helpful for SR to read the most current one to see what can happen when a wayward starts to focus too soon on something other than THEIR marital recovery.

I was talking about the most current one actually.

While I was reading Resonance's most current thread, all I could think about was how I hope this doesn't happen to SR. I would LOVE for you and Wheels to make it. Not just "fake it." I don't know that this is where you were going SR, but I was worried about it and thought that maybe Resonance's thread could help you NOT fall into that trap.

I'll read it

Is it normal though when WS wants to read marital books with their spouse though?

I understand why you are worried

Right now I am really happy

I think what was bugging me was that you seemed to be focusing on helping others and I just wanted to make sure that you were worried about taking care of YOUR side of the fence FIRST. You can always pay it forward. Why don't you let the "vets" on here help you out? Don't worry about what other WSs think about and just tell us your story and how you are doing. I am sure that there are a BUNCH of people who are lurking and would learn a lot from your story and not just what you WANT to teach them. Knowing that others out there have felt or done the same things will make them feel like they aren't alone.

Have you read other recovered couple's threads?

Just finished watching a movie with wheels! Had a great time cuddling on the couch one of my favorites! One of the things that made me fall in love with him was his touch

We are going to start another book, actually two! Lol, we decided to read a marriage book and a FUN book Really excited about it really, we use to read all the time together before we had kids, and we decided to keep doing it!

So far since I have been back we have read 6 books, either marriage books, self help books, and FUN books!

Sounds GREAT. What fun book are you guys reading? Is one of the marriage books a Harley book? If so, which one? Which ones have you read so far?

Don't stop trying to help others! Your posts have done a great deal to help me understand what my WW is thinking. It was your insight that has helped me get through some tough days. While you should definitely continue to work on your own situation, sometimes you learn the most by teaching others.

I agree with sot, the whole idea of understanding is to think through things from every angle.......trying to understand and make sense of what we hear and see......thanks for helping

WE have read

HNHN
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
Love Languages
SAA (we are starting this book

We read the last book of harry potter again, since the movies will be out soon
The whole series of (3 books) "the Mortal instruments"
now we are starting another series of "leven thumps"

I am personally reading a couple books such as..
"How to stop self sabotage"
A church book called "Miracle forgiveness"

and at night we are both are reading personal scriptures and pray each morning and each night.

A lot of reading, but my husband really likes it because it gives us something to talk about other then are kids LOL

We usually do an activity with our kids after dinner, and then when the kids go to bed we start doing our UA, every night for 3 hours, then we spend about another 4 hours on our friday night date night

By all means, if there is a "phrase" or anything your WS is saying feel free to post it on THIS thread, I am not a negative person, so if anyone needs help by all means you can ask. I will stop giving advise freely.

I decided I will just read and soak it in, and I will update this thread instead of giving advise.

TY

Really excited about Friday, my sister and her kids have been visiting me all week and we are ALL going to Logan to visit my aunt, Wheels will be coming a long too Another thing I really enjoy with wheels is driving a long distant, we usually just talk, talk, and talk, non stop about the future, what goals we are setting, etc. I don't know something about a long drive is just...soothing?? LOL

SR

How are YOU doing?

You are pretty new to recovery.
It can be a tough couple of months.

Things OK?

Here is a fun conversation idea.

Say you win the powerball for 40 million dollars taxes paid. What would you each want to do with your money?

This is the one game my wife play over and over again. It is a fun way to talk about what her dreams are in life without really asking.

Things are soo great! no LB, tuns of UA, reading together, spending time with the kids, keeping myself busy around the house and the kids.

Tomorrow we are actually going on a date...we haven't been on one for like 3 weeks a lot of stuff going on, sister visited for a week, and my little sister had a baby So I'm LOOKING forward on our time together

Wheel unblocked FB a couple weeks ago, and ask me if I wanted to start up on FB again (under his terms that is) I told him not right now, and I haven't even been on there ONCE since he unblocked it. I see no hurry to do so, I told him if I ever started a new FB account it would only be because of my business, and family. Nothing more!


That is a good idea! Sounds like fun too! Ty yeg!

Good news, indeed.
I'd stay away from FB too, if I were you.

Unless

MarriedForever has a JOINTLY named FB account.
It belongs to both MarriedForever and her handsome hubby.
Just an idea .....

Ya my husband has a FB account, but he doesn't want to share if I will be doing most of my business on it. I have thought about that though. Like I said...I am in no hurry I am doing great in my business and have been moving really fast! That is why I mentioned it would be business/family.

These are the terms I came up with and Wheels agrees with them, he will have all the access to my fb account, all the messages will go to his phone and email not mine, and he will approve all of my friends to make sure they are not a threat to the marriage

This morning we were on the MB web site while making pancakes for the kids, and we were just discussing about waywards and how "not smart" they are, I mean they don't even plan! They just want to get out of the marriage so fast without even realizing what consequences lay ahead of them....

Then I started talking how glad I am that he got me out of that fog, cause I would have been soo unhappy if we actually did get a divorce....

We were discussing about some BS and WW on MB and how the WS always complains about his unhappy life, and how their family and friends would always make them feel guilty. This is what wheels said what I use to say...

wheels and my mom would say "Do you understand or realize how much you will lose if you keep living your life like this?"

My repsonce..

"STOP making me feel soo guilty!!"

I totally remember saying this, I had so much guilt, and so unhappy.

Man I'm so glad I'm not there anymore! Thanks to MB and Wheels!

Anyway right now wheels is finishing up with the pancakes, then we will get the kids ready so we can take them to the parade! Then tonight is a BBQ and fireworks!! YA!!

SR,
I just had to read your whole thread after all the help you gave me. It is awesome. I just wish my WAW would see she needs help and get it. After my change I know we can make it work. It is comforting to know she is saying every thing that you said. It gives me more hope for success, and more determined to stay in Plan A.

Thanks awoken I'm glad that my thread helped you! Your going great!

It has been 6 months into recovery.

Wheels just asked me I should write another apology letter to his family and my family on what I have done, I don't mind doing this but the only thing I'm worried about is that I don't want it to open up any wounds?

What do you think?

He also suggested maybe just letting them know how we are doing and what we are doing to improve our marriage.

FYI. We ask this because at the beginning of this month, after a horrible trip to a family reunion at the cabin, my mom said "Sapph still hasn't apologized for what she did." I replied "She did don't you remember?"

Apparently there was a little esginess in the air with my family, but nothing was said. Still if my mom can't remember the apology, who else does not remember.

Would it also be good for herr to formaly apologize to her family, and give a little update?

How about a phone call instead of "another" apology letter?

The thing is, most families have some old history that can be the source of pain/discomfort/resentment ... and MANY families have been troubled by adultery, one way or another.

What is the point/purpose of "another" letter?

It is intended to rebuild a relationship between you and his kin?
If it is, why not offer them a deeper friendship rather than "another" apology letter?

Offer to visit them?
Offer to share an activity with them?
Offer to share recent photos with them?

This explains a lot! I had know idea! I wished you had said something to me, I will apologize to her on Saturday when we are up there.

I like this way better than a letter.

Man, this is so hard, maybe I'm scared because I'll have to start all over with his family. Well, another consequence that I have to endure because of my actions.

True that my sis xWH has really stung the family and it has been 17 years. My sis new DH also went through a divorce, and the way he talks he sounds like a BS (I have no confirmation).

I love that Idea Pep, hopefully Sapph would too. Because it was never discussed in depth between sapph and the fam. Im sure they feel a bit betrayed considering my sis past.

The hard part is I don't know what to say.

Be sincere.
No "but" added to anything you say.
Don't go "on and on".

"What I did was so wrong and so hurtful. There is no excuse. I am sincerely regretful for the damage I caused."

Do NOT say: "Please, forgive me."

Once you've apologized, take a deep breath and ask if you can help out with anything in the kitchen (or whatever is going on).

The reason you don't want to go on and on about your adultery behavior, you NEVER KNOW if someone you are talking to has a skeleton in their closet !

This helped my H out.

Feel free ....

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make things right."

Good luck !

I wonder if I can still find that email I sent to them, maybe it wasn't a good one? I don't know, but what I do know is that I need to apologize to them. I'll start with his mom tomorrow when I see her, face to face would be way better then a letter and a phone call.

You would be wise to listen to Pep's advice on this. She knows of what she speaks. Please listen to her.

I wrote this after one week at my sister's house, now remember that this is from email and my emotions were very high! So a lot of the things you will read I have repeated over and over. This was my apology letter, since I didn't have my phone with me and I was focusing on fixing myself my sister took it the whole time I was there, and this is what I wrote...

I just want everyone to know how sorry I am for what I have done; I know that it hurt my family, his family, my kids, and me. It hurt�s me so bad that all I want to do is cry, I didn't want any of this to happen, but it did and I have to live with the consequences whatever they might be. Also I want everyone to know how hard I am trying to get my life and family back, I know it�s going to take a long time for Wheels to trust me and I understand that completely, it will hurt, but again I have to live with that and I will, whatever it takes to get me back and my family. I will do ANYTHING! Right now I am terrified, because I know it won�t be the same but I want everyone to know that I love each and every one of you, all the help you are giving Wheels and I. And I'm thankful that Wheels has family that are willing to help us any way they can, you guys have been there for us and I want you to know how sorry I am that I did this to Wheels, I do love him, very much! I want this to work out and I know I can pull through this especially if I have a family that loves me. Wheels is a wonderful person, everything he did I know was for the family because he loved me, and the kids. He truly is the best person I have in my life, and knowing what I did to him hurts me terribly inside, not because I care for him but because I LOVE him!

That is all I have been thinking about since I have been away, the things I did to Wheels and all the good things he did for me. I truly believe that Satan has been working on me very hard, I know that he is working on me now, and since I have been here it�s been easier for me to turn away from him, because all I have to do is think of all the wonderful things Wheels has done for me and our kids. All I have to do is remember how he held me and how much I liked it, or the way he played with the kids, and the way he looked at me when I told a silly joke.

I take full responsibility on the actions I have done, and the pain I have caused for Wheels, and I am soo grateful that we have a savior who died for us so we can repent and come back with him again. I know that my savior loves me still, I am his sister, and he is my brother, and I know he suffered for us. I keep saying that I can't give up on my kids, but now I am thinking I can't give up on my savior! After all he has done for me?

I love you, everyone! I love Wheel�s parents for what all they have done, and I am soo sorry and I hope you guys can forgive me on what I did to your son, and I want Wheel�s family to know that they are a part of me, I not only chose my family to be my family but I also chose Wheel�s family all of you! I also want to apologize to my family, I know you guys love me and I also know the pain and hurt you are feeling, the worst part of everything was knowing that I was hurting all of you, I did not want to do that, you are my eternal family, the family I chose to be with no matter how hard of a life we had when we were little, no matter how difficult life was, we still had our faith. And knowing what I have done kills me, and I would do anything...ANYTHING! For you guys to forgive me.

I want Wheels to know, even though he doesn't trust me, that I still do love you, and all those times I said that I didn't love you, was all a lie! Deep down I knew I still loved you, but knowing what I was doing to you, hurt me soo bad that I had to force myself not to love you, Satan was telling me that it would be easier for me to just say that I only cared about you as a friend. But if I only cared about you as a friend and still had feeling of so much pain about what I was doing! IT WAS ALL A LIE! I know that now, actually I've always known it, but there was so much pain that I thought it would help, and guess what. It didn�t! With everything I have learned about Satan you would think I would know better? He is good...really good!! And I know you don�t want to see me, and I�m sorry, I'm sorry, Truly I am soo sorry! I don�t know how long it will take for you to accept my apology but however long, I will be there! You have been wonderful, and I want you to know that I know we are meant for each other I mean come on! We are like water and oil blue/white versus yellow/red. I need a blue/white to help me balance in this life to take more responsibility, and you need a yellow/red to look at all the fun things in life! And I know you want more boundaries and I am totally fine with that, no more wow? ok GONE! You want to go for walks and spend quality time together? OK! No more facebook? I won�t make another account! No more myspace? Ok I can delete it! You want me to cook more? GREAT! More sucky meals to eat LOL want me to get a full time job? I'll find some crappy job down the road so I won�t be far from the kids. Want me to cut my hair and wear no makeup? I will do anything!!!! Whatever I have to do to get my family back! WAIT scratch that! I will do ANYTHING what the LORD wants me TO DO. I know what I have done, and I know right now I am on the right path to fix whatever I did that was wrong Ever since I have been here my views has changed completely, Sister and BIL has been great they have shared a lot of things to me that I needed. All I have been doing is reading and writing down my feelings, and thinking about all the good things I have in my life. I have only thought of OM ONCE since I have been here and that is because I had to write him a NC letter that was it! Everything else was you Wheels, that is all I have been thinking about since I have been here at sisters and I want you to know that, even though you don�t believe me, knowing that I have told you makes me feel better, so let�s just say it wasn't for you and that for me saying all this was all for ME!

I love you....everyone!

SapphireReturns

That is what I sent to EVERYONE! what do you think? I don't mind 2X4's maybe I was still foggy, I don't know, but man oh man were my eye's open!

Phewwww!
Thanks!

Great! pep knows our secret identity! Well pep you are welcome to add us to your FB friends While you are at, it do you need any Mary Kay stuff?

I AM Mary Kay.

ROFL!!

Out of curiosity I looked y'all up on FB - good lookin' couple =-) and I love the spelling of your name Sapph

I would have done the same thing and ty! Wheels is a good lookin guy!

No fair! People know people on FB!

I'm just lurking around today and randomly posting. I hope things are going well for you two.

I accidentally forgot to change my name on the bottom on the letter OOPS!

But we are doing great!! Just having panic attacks here and there knowing I will be apologizing to his/mine families breath in...breath out...



Nah I think I'll be fine!

I feel the same! LOL!

I was just telling VIB that you guys are like a family to us, with all the help you guys are giving and all the great advise...it's like a big MB family

Just a little update for Sapph. We went up to my parents house so Sapph could do some buisness up there. In between appointments I was changing the car headlights, the boys were having afternoon quiet time, and Sapph sat with my mom and gave a sincere heart filled apology.

I popped in in the middle, but I think it really helped build their relationship. My mom said that a face to face apology will be good for each of my siblings, but each of them may take it differently.

You see my sister has been cheated on multiple times, and her current DH has also been cheated on several times. I have 1 borther who has never been married or lived with a girl and he is 42, one who is a devoted father and lay clergy member, and one who never really talked to me during the exposure, and I dont know what he is thinking. Each sibling will react differently and we are trying to figure out who to tell first, and how to approach them. We are thinking my sis and her husband need to be apologised to first, since they know the affects of affairs first hand. At the same time Sapph is frightened and nervous about how they will take it.

At the same time Sapph has become really depressed and feels that a more sincere face to face apology has open up an old wound that she wishes was closed (more like never existed). I am having a tough time consoling her, all I feel I can do is say, "You will be fine, I am here for you, but this is something that I think has to be done and you have to do it."

This is why I think telling your sister and her husband first, this morning I woke up crying because I felt the pain what I have done to this family. And yes it hurts, but your mom said something very important when we were talking she said "You can always choose your actions, but you can never choose your consequences." That hit me hard because it is soo true. No matter what I have done I still have to live with the consequences.

I woke up crying because I wanted to call your sister and to talk, but your mom mentioned doing this face to face would be better, I don't know if I can wait till next month when we are there again. So what do you think I should DO? She lives about 3 hours away from us....

Should I call

Or

Should I just go up to do it face to face?

PLEASE HELP!!! I am having a hard time right now, I prayed this morning to help me cope with my feelings, but I believe the only way to get rid of this feeling is to call her.

Felt is was time for an update, Wheels and I are doing great it has been 17 months since I came back home to fix my marriage.

Wheels is working hard at his work and is working on a promotion, and I decided to give myself a $50,000 dollar raise, win a Free car in Mary Kay, and win Wheels a mens diamond ring.

Wheels and I are making sure our love banks are full, and every time one of us feel it is low we let each other know. Our favorite thing to do with each other is still watch movies, and since we know that doesn't count as UA time we still read books together. I am reading 2 other books one is called "The magic of thinking BIG" and "The daily reader" by John C Maxwell.

We are also planning a little vacation next year just the two of us to go to Hawaii for my brothers wedding we are really excited about that one!

I still have my boundaries, and in some occasions when wheels leave a room and it's just me and one of our male friends I feel awkward and end up excusing myself.

I am also making sure that what ever I read, or listen to will help with my positive attitude to make it better. My attitude will determine the life and marriage I really want.

Since I have been home I have been focusing more on my family, my two boys, my business, and my home. Every morning I wake up and do my devotional for about 15 minutes, where I read my books, bible, and pray. I know working on myself only helps with every aspect of my life with my children, with wheels, with my business, with my church, etc..

I do want to thank marriage builders for just existing, and helping out wheels when he really needed you, and of course to help us build a healthier happier marriage.

Thank you TO ALL!!

Sapphire, I have not read your entire thread yet, but I've seen your posts on other threads.. you are an inspiration.

Do you have any other advice for FWW to keep the "fog" at bay?

Sapph! Good to see you back! Thank you for the update - glad to hear things are going well for you and Wheels!

grace, I had to go back and skim through your thread to remember your story - I saw you hadn't updated for a while, and you were struggling with fog then. What are you and your H doing as far as UA time? EN meeting? Are you both avoiding LBs? Did you ever send the NC letter? Why don't you post an update to your original thread and let us know what's going on, that will help folks give you the best advice, k?

Thank you Grace, it's hard to answer that question because the day I realized I might lose everything, my family, my kids, my house, my life! It shook me to the realization that I need to stop acting so immature and stop being so selfish. Once I realized that the fog cleared up real fast and it never came back.

I'm sorry if my answer didn't help, all I can do is give you encouragement to keep going, because life on the other side of the fence is not a real life at all.