Well i'm a 40 yr. old man with my wife for 11 yrs. married for 5, Well to be blunt i just found out my wife has been having a sexual affair with her 1st cousin, they just reconnected after not seeing each other since very young childhood. when they met i thought it was completely innocent, and let her spend time with him, i mean they are cousins... i didnt think of that at all, she claims they went out and it just happened after they got home..he lives about 1.5 hrs. away and she began going to his condo every weekend, i became very suspicious. and began snooping.. and found too much proof to bare. after many times of fighting with her about going, she claims he was a good friend and she could talk to him about anything, without being judged or yelled at.. i'm not a perfect husband but i am faithful, dont abuse in any way, dont gamble, dont drink, and has a good job. after i caught her she claims she was unhappy for yrs. and i paid no attention to her.. i really dont know what to do.. i love her very much...and agreed to wipe the slate clean and try to start our relationship over again, but the first thing to do was to cut all ties.. and she just cant stop chatting, calling, or texting.. she says i dont understand, and she just cant stop talking to him like that...i dont know any comments or help would be great.

The WS (wayward Spouse)will always tell you that he or she has been unhappy for years but that is just FOG babble! I should know WS tends to say the exact same thing to justify what they are doing.

The first thing would read everything on this site! They have the best ideas and support system, I know that from my husband when he was needing help in our situation.

After hours of reading, the next thing is to get all the evidence you can get from your WW (Wayward Wife) emails, phone calls, texts, etc. The more the better!

The next thing would be an exposure, that is HUGE! If she isn't ending the relationship you HAVE to do this no matter what! Is he married? If so then expose him to his wife.

There are a lot of people on here that will give you great advise! Stay on here, ask questions, etc people can help you who are in the same situation!

This will be hard but trust me if you want to save your marriage do exactly what the MB tells you to do (Marriage Builders)

Welcome to MB.

Have you read the basic concepts (tab at top of page)

Then read this thread: For Newly Betrayed Spouses


Once you've completed those let me know.

Bottom line: you can't save your marriage until your wife goes to No Contact with OM. She obviously isn't stopping even after being busted...thus, you MUST expose the affair to the light of day to bust it up. Again...until it's busted up you can't make any progress and you'll never save it.

Mr. Wondering

Massive exposure.
No Contact Letter.

That's first.

Thanks for the info, Mr Wondering.. those are some good reads..and my wife is definitely in the Fog...The only time she seems willing to talk about the problem is when i ask her was it worth losing her kids? or when i threaten to expose her to family & friends.. I mean cheating is bad enough... but with her 1st cousin.. it still disturbs me just to say or think of it..I just wish she would open up to me and talk..but that is such a chore for her right now.. I'm in the process of trying to find a counselor for both of us.. and she agrees to go.. which i guess is good. The article i just read is one of my problems right now... the exposure and embarrassment of my wife, to see her cry crushes me , and i know that would destroy her, and she would despise me for it. i don't wanna push her away any further.. well thats sorta where i'm at.. i have started writing all activities in a notebook. Any thoughts on the 1st cousin thing?

OH YA! She's gunna get pissed I should know! Wanna know what I said when my husband exposed me and my affair on facebook?

"I might have been the one that ruined our marriage but you were the one that ENDED the marriage!"

And by the way I screamed, punched, and cried all at the same time repeating that sentence over and over again!

You can try to go to MC but if she wont end it, the only thing you HAVE TO DO is Expose! Trust me! After he exposed us there was no way in hell I was ever going to see my H again after that! But it was the only way to stop it, and I am personally grateful that my husband had the balls to do it!

I'm just confused on what to do day to day, i mean i wanna talk about moving forward but she doesn't .. its hard with 2 young children boy 8 & girl 3. when i know she calls him on her way to work, at lunch, and on her way home from work. i check her phone usage, and she knows i can check it. just frustrated.. don't sleep in the same room anymore.. and havent had sex in over 6 months. am i crazy for even considering taking her back?

Ah, Cpt - I just posted a thread called Why you should NEVER Wait to Expose (I think that's it).

PLEASE, read it!
I had to expose my own brother and believe me, it was difficult.

Trust us. If you want to bust up the affair, you will have to do massive exposure. Yes, she will get mad. Yes, she will cry. Yes, she will probably throw things at you.

So what?

She'll get over it.

Yes, you are crazy if you take her back without killing the affair first. She won't end it herself.

Expose the affair, this is the first and most important step if you ever want to rebuild your marriage.

Terror, if you are waiting for advice here that tells you something else than expose then you will wait forever.

Read other threads and you'll see how similar your answers are to other betrayed spouses who are avoiding to use help provided here.

So you asked for any help. We are giving you sound advice here. And it is not based on some temporary anger towards wayward spouses but it is based on personal experiences and it is based on experiences of dr Harley, founder of MarriageBuilders.

Here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374848#Post2374848

CT

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

You can live with your Wifes anger but your M will not survive an A.

Please read this from Dr Harley


Dr. Harley�s answer to Forum member�s questions:

It�s true that I have only addressed the issue of exposure on Marriage Builders� Radio and on the private Forum that is only available to those who attend the Marriage Builders� Weekend. So here goes my definitive answer that will help explain what may seem as contradictions from both Steve Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers.

Whenever a betrayed spouse tells me that they�ve just discovered their spouse�s affair, my advice is almost always the same: Let others know about it. Tell your children, family, friends, clergy, and especially the lover�s spouse, if they have one. And this is even to be done during what I call plan A (making an effort to make as many Love Bank deposits, and as few withdrawals as possible). The problem some people have with that strategy is that it conflicts with the goal of plan A because it�s likely to cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. An unfaithful spouse almost always considers such exposure to be a worse act of betrayal than their affair itself. But the alternative, helping the unfaithful spouse to keep the affair a secret, is enabling the addiction, prolonging the agony. In the long run, making the affair public knowledge without any forewarnings, threats, or bartering (which by themselves can create massive withdrawals) actually reduces the number of Love Bank withdrawals made by the betrayed spouse. It�s my opinion that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages.

The full newsletter

Exposure Newsletter

Nesre

Ok, so if i do expose, my wife will feel lonely and depressed...how can i guard her from thoughts of such things as suicide...just a thought. I have told my brother & sister, and let her father and mother know she is doing somthing wrong and i suspect infidelity...But the parents know no details at all.

CT

Did you get through reading the Basic concepts yet? They are at the top of the page near the center in the red header area.

Also another poster put a link to Newly Betrayed Spouses in a post a few up from this one.

It may do some good to see how this all ties together and then formulate a plan with some of the Vetrans on this board. I am by no means a Vetran.

Read all you can and then come back and post questions. From there a plan can be developed.

Exposure with the right frame of mind and answers to questions or accusations which your angry W will probably throw at you can make all the difference in carrying out the plan you develop.


No one that I know of in this life has ever gaurded my thoughts of suicide and such. JMO-I don't think another human can do that for another.
ADDED
Could you give us a little more inffo-Is this first M's for both of you? Are there children and ages?
Nesre

I have read all the info. above, this is my 2nd marriage, my wifes first. we have 2 kids together boy 8 and girl 3. My first marriage ended because of the strange reason that we could never have kids together, my ex believed it was my fault and also strayed... i guess i'm a whipping boy.. My wife was engaged when i met her... i was not aware of this, just new she was seeing someone.. i made her break it off before we went on any dates at all..

Cpt, the purpose of exposure is not to punish her. The purpose is to bring the A public, which ends the secrecy and fantasy that the A thrives on. Also, it allows those closest to her and him to put pressure on them both to stop. This is why you expose to everyone on her side and his. Everyone. Today Without warning, too.

She is a like drug addict in a crack house. Take away her drugs. She will go through withdrawal, but you can build a stronger M. But not with another man in the picture.

You can't 'guard' her from suicide. A truly suicidal person will commit suicide. Exposure will not goad her into it.

You have a very powerful tool in exposure, Cpt. There is something elementally 'icky' about 1st cousins being sexually involved. Tell your family asap. I have to believe that they will see the 'ickiness' of this and work with you.

No one will slam you on this. She wasn't married yet, so she was a free agent. Of course, I assume you were already a free agent when you met...

Please do not warn her about exposing. You see, what happens when the WS thinks you are going to expose is that she will go to everyone first and lie. She will tell them that you are insanely jealous, a control freak, won't allow her to have any friends, accuse her of sleeping with everyone she meets including relatives, etc. That's why you can't let her spin it first.

Your wife's affair is the most depressing effect, so anything you can do to end the affair and get her through withdrawal will help her mental state and self esteem. All of these family members should be told the truth and asked to use their influence to persuade her to stop. That is the best thing you can do for your wife.

Your wife will be furious, but keep in mind the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid her wrath at all costs.

CT,

havent had sex in over 6 months

Thank God, this will keep you from getting whatever STD OM has. Someone who would seduce his cousin would have no issues going to bawdy houses or seeing street walkers.

God Bless
Gamma

I know it is counter intuitive to expose. She will be furious. We have warned you about that response. It WILL happen.

BUT, it is the most necessary step to end the affair. It will be especially fast in your case since your family will have a very vested interest in ending it since they are blood relatives.

Expose to those who can put pressure on the affair.

Again, she WILL be furious. She will spit venom at you in a massive way and will hate you for exposing, but it's the response of an addict having the crack pipe taken out of her hands.

The addict gets ticked, but will be grateful later.

My greatest concern with men like you is the preservation of your rights as a father. Your actions are guided with the idea of either 1. saving your marriage, 2. preserving your rights as a father, 3. both of those things.

You MUST expose. It sucks to do it and the reaction stinks and you'll come back here and tell us all that you think it's all messed up and that you can't possibly save things because of her response.

No, don't threaten, CptT...just do it!!!

Like others have already said, exposure is hard and it WILL make your WW super mad (and believe me, she will SHOW her anger and you WILL feel it) but, even so, it is key in killing the A and that is the number one thing you need to do. Most marriages can handle anger, disgust, resentment (etc) as those things all "die" in time but, as for A's, those will kill a marriage if they are not killed first (unless, of course, you are okay with your WW playing "kissing cousins" which, from reading what you wrote, is pretty apparent that you are not). Before you can even think about saving your M you need to destroy what is killing it to begin with and that, of course, would be the A.

Is exposure hard to consider/act on? Yep!
Will it anger your WW (and possibly even others)? Yep!
Will you feel the "brunt" of the anger after doing an exposure? Yep!
Will you feel like your life is falling apart even more after an exposure? Yep! (well, more than likely, anyway).

Yep, yep, yep and yep!

However, even with all those "yep's" in there, exposure is still the best defense you have available to you in saving your M. It's sounds counter-productive, I know, but all the same, believe you me...it is the best thing that you can do. Once exposure takes place you will face a cr*pload of anger towards you but, guess what...so will your WW and the OM which, in turn, will cause distress on their A and make it that much more difficult for them to carry on.

If you need help with exposure, CptT, we're right here to help you out and guide you along so don't be afraid to say "okay, I'm ready, let's do it!" As hard as it sounds, it really is the best move you can make.

Good luck, our thoughts are with you.

(hugs)

What is your evidence? Besides phone calls?
You know that your WW is going to pull the "just friends" card, and spin the story to her advantage, and take the A underground.

Due to the nature of the relationship, MAKE SURE you know what you are talking about. Computer spy software, texts -- you need direct evidence.

Secondly-- Once you are sure NUCLEAR EXPOSE. Do not tell, threaten or otherwise give this pair an opportunity to spin.

Secondly, seek legal counsel about the children. You as their father, can make a great case for not wanting your children around a 1st cousin relationship.

This OM has no grip of boundries. (Nor, btw, does your wife)

Children do not need to be part of this mess.

Hello,

I am afraid that you are also in big time denial. First the both of you now need to be tested for STD's. This is a consequence of an affair. Second, if the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting of a sexual affair with your cousin the way you apparently are?
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Open your eyes. For every weekend she was having sex with her cousin and betraying and humiliating you in the worst possible way and leaving the children at home. She continue to lie to you. When she is finally caught she still refuses to stop contact with him and you are fearful of total exposure because you are afraid of hurting her feelings? What is wrong with this picture?

Look my friend, nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat which is clearly what you have become. You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes of her total disrespect and distain for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? One more time: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed I doubt she would become such a doormat.

You wanna end her affair? Then expose her. That will end it. Sure, she will be furious with you for weeks, but it's better to be furious with you for weeks than to continue screwing her cousin for months or years. Our WWs were furious when we exposed, but they all get over it. If you can forgive her screwing her cousin, then she can get over you taking the necessary steps to end her affair. The problem in your marriage is her relationship w/ OM, not you making her angry. Man up and do it today.

The addict gets ticked, but will be grateful later.

^agree!

Trust me, I am very grateful!

EXPOSE. NOW.

Sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. Be strong and stand up for your marriage. You are not alone.

Thanks for all the advice , i really appreciate it and glad there is somewhere i can relate to people and they understand exactly what i'm goin through. as for proof she has already told me many times she's sorry for cheating on me, plus i had a keylogger on her cpu, and i have phone records. We are having all the family over for the week, which is a perfect chance to expose. Meanwhile i have tried again to get her to talk about the affair, and she just huffs and puffs and says i am askin the same questions over and over again, and that whatever she says i say she's wrong. i ask her over & over again to start the recovery she needs to stop all contact with the OM . She cant answer me and just changes the subject.. well again thanks everyone

Terror, there is only one perfect chance and this is RIGHT NOW. Pick up the phone and start doing it. You have all the proof you need.

Become the real Captain Terror, destroy this absurd affair and save your family.

Stop asking and asking about the affair now, you'll lose focus and she can become too suspicious what you are planning to. She won't end the affair herself.

Expose and ask questions later.

YES What Recon said.

I've gotten pretty good at deciphering wayward babble, so let me give this one a try. At this stage of discovery, here's what you're looking at.

WW: "It was wrong, I'm terribly sorry, and will NEVER contact OM again." all accompanied by a NC letter - Chances are still around 50/50 that there will be further contact.

WW: "It was wrong, I'm terribly sorry, and will NEVER contact OM again." this without a NC letter - Chances of further contact rise to at least 85%.

YOU: "Do you promise never to contact the OM again?" If WW responds with "I promise", then you have about a 5% chance of her sticking to it. If WW responds with a weak affirmative or head nod, that chance drops to 0.5%.

YOU: "Do you promise never to contact the OM again?" WW avoiding an answer or changing the subject means she has absolutely no intention of stopping with the OM.

It's up to you to break things up.

Cpt, here's what's happening here (and it is very common with waywards). She is a "cake eater." That term is used to describe a WS that is getting her EN's met by both the BS and the other man. She gets to go see him and live out the fantasy, then comes home and gets some of her EN's met by you and the family. She has no need and no intention of changing that situation as long as you allow it in your M.

That is why the exposure in your case is so important. Exposure puts the pressure on the A relationship, and those EN's that he satisfies are diluted. Sometimes the entire A collapses immediately. But the fact is that you cannot even begin to R your M until the A has ended, and you cannot rely on her to wise up. it is like she is on crack right now, and you have to take away the crack pipe.

If you've read some of the past threads, you will know that we can tell you almost verbatim what she will say when you expose. Things like "How can I trust you now after what you did" (that's the real ironic one) and "I was just about to recommit to the M but now you blew it." But don't believe a word of it. Don't discuss it with her. Just calmly say that you are fighting for your M and then offer her a cookie.

I agree with IS because thats exactly what I did, I kept telling him that I was never going to give up on our M because we had 6 years together! Some things I've said.

"I'm not going to have a [censored] 9 months with 6 great years ruin our marriage."

"I'm not giving up" (altho my actions were quite opposite!)

"I will do the best I can to work on our M."

"All marriages have to go threw the tough times."

I am sure Wheels can come on and tell you like 500 more things I would tell him to convince I was NC the OM, and wanted to work on our marriage, and guess what? THEY WERE ALL LIES!!! WS will say the exact thing! DO NOT TRUST THEM, THEY ARE LIEING!

I am sorry again that you are hear, but honestly you best bet to save your marriage is to once again the big "ol WORD.

EXPOSE!

CT

The perfect chance to expose is before the gathering. The idea is to identify the people who will support you wanting to work on the M and family.

Put a list together and find a couple of the family members or friends who will let the WW know you exposed her A. At the family gathering these family members or friends could confront her with concern to ask her about the A.

Let your WW BE RESPONIBLE FOR HER BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!
Do not tell her you are going to do this.

The only regret I have with exposure was I waited way too long. Even so the effects were immediate when news got back to her....... BY PEOPLE QUESTIONING HER BEHAVIOR

I HAD TOLD A FEW OF THE PEOPLE MY PLAN AND ASKED THEM TO MAKE SURE TO SHARE THE LETTER THEY RECIEVED OR ABOUT THIS PHONE CONVERSATION..

It is very effective. The anger does come. When she asked me why I would do that I simply, calmly said to help save our M. Wanna go for a walk? Wanna go get ice cream?

POSOMS family knew nothing about this A. sHE aSKED How could you do thaT to him and his family?. My response - To help save our M and OUR family.


IT ALSO HAS RAISED THE ISSUE TO HER- WITH THE A OUT IN THE OPEN IN FRONT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS-HOW MUCH FUN IS THIS WITH THE SECRECY GONE. OH MY-What have I done.......

A'S THRIVE ON SECRECY...WHEN ITs GONE THERE IS NOT MUCH LEFT.

I would use caution with exposing at a family gathering. It could backfire and WW may paint and spin you as a raving lunatic. It may be best to make calls in private so the caller will know first hand without any spin.
They will see you calmly asking for ideas and support to help you with your M. They will see a man fighting for his M and family. Not some lunatic.

Please don't hesitate with this first step in M recovery.

Nesre

If you refuse to expose, then you might as well just put up a few POSTER SIZE PHOTOS of her OM right there in your bedroom. Matter of fact, put them up all over your house!!

When she asks why you have those posters up, tell her this:

"WELL, YOU HAVE THE OM RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR MARRIAGE, WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HIM RIGHT HERE ALL OVER THE HOUSE."

Tell her you figured she LOOOOOVVVVVEEEESSSS him so much, she wouldn't mind EVERYONE knowing about this love of the century - SO YOU EXPOSED IT FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SHARE.

Come on, Terror, you know that exposure is the right thing to do. This affair will die a very quick death when you shine the light of day on it. They are hopped up on the excitement of the taboo - nothing more - and your wife is crying because she knows what she is doing is wrong.

She WANTS to go to counseling because she WANTS TO STOP. She knows she is out of control.

She WANTS you to fight for her - to help her - so MAN UP.

Expose the affair, make the appointment with the counselor, and make the demand that she stop her contact or MOVE OUT NOW.

You will be shocked at her response. She is looking for you to HELP HER. So do it.

If she is angry, tell her that YOU ARE ANGRY TOO, and that your marriage can survive anger - but will not survive the third party smack dab in the middle of the marital bed.

SB

Great Advice guys & gals, i like the idea of telling the people i know over the phone before the party, but i don't wanna ruin my sons 9th birthday party with a family fight. but i see what you all are saying.....Now for me, today was one of the worst days for me, i drove all day for work from LA. to Miss. I'm working on the massive oil spill in the gulf, and i think it hit me pretty hard today, unlike the others where all i was doing was wondering what she was sneaking around doing , or was she calling him, or just being pissed. Today i cried my eyes out, relived all kinds of great memories, the births of our children, the building of our house , our wedding day, just all of the great moments we have had in the past, kinda like i knew it was over...Then i just thought of her kissing, hugging and loving on another man, it hurt so much... the pain is still there as i type this...how does someone get over this...The love i have for her is so overwhelming, i tell myself she is all i have, and would be so so so lonely without her... am i the biggest idiot on the planet.. anyway.. i need some rest today has wrn me down.... Thanks again everyone..

bump

Bump back at you. What have you done?

I see you threw away a chance to kill the affair and save your marriage because you were afraid to ruin a birthday party???

Your seeing but your not listening.

Exposure good.
Not exposing bad.

I exposed at a 400+ attended FUNERAL.

I think the destruction of his family will upset your DS9 more than mummy being ticked at daddy for sharing her dirty little secret,JMHO.

Bump?

Don't you mean hump?

As in what OM is doing to your wife as you clean pelicans?

You've been told what to do. People here have little patience for a man who will sit around and let his wife and children be stolen from him as he sits on the sidelines piddling himself.

i have told the mother of my wife and her father, not my parents, my mom is very sick and if she found out she wouldnt come to the party and it would upset my 9 yr. old son

The only person who will be "upset" will be your WW, if you want to save your marriage you have to tell EVERYONE! I'm sorry, your family and kids will not be upset, they will be on your side and give you all the comfort you need. Which do you want? To be comforted with family and friends? or hide it and think everyone will be upset if you tell everyone? Your choice.

This is called "Exposure Lite." It typically does not work. Exposure is intended to create pressure on the waywards. You're easing the waywards into exposure.

Look at it like this: if you do a full-blown exposure it's like a tsunami - everyone gets hit at the same time and responds with their pressure at the same time. A little exposure here and a little exposure there, and your WW will have plenty of time between spinning her A to really polish it up. By the time you expose to your mother, WW will have her excuse/lies down to a science. She'll talk to your mother and your mother will walk away thinking you're going through mid-life crisis or something.

Each additional attempt at exposure costs you valuable credibility.

Another poster, Redswife, checked in to let everyone know about her recovery. This is what she posted about exposure.


she also wrote this as well....
So would you like some help on how to expose this NUCLEAR and get off of "exposure Lite"?

Did you tell them the entire story? In your initial posts, you mentioned only that you told them you suspected something:

Do they know who it is? Did you expose to POSOM's family to put pressure on him?

Better to disrupt the 9th birthday party than the 10th, don't you think? Or the 13th?

Also make back ups of every piece of documentation you have and put them in a safe place- preferably not at your home. You do not want that to disappear.

Expose- don't threaten- do it. She will be furious but your marriage can stand the anger- not the affair.

Your mother is well enough to go to a birthday party but too sick to support you?

*snort*
OMG !!!