I just wonder how it works when the betrayed spouse does not feel it is their place to meet the needs of the WS?
Well, in some ways, it works the same as a marriage where one faithful spouse does not feel it is their place to meet the needs of the other faithful spouse. Or a marriage where the wayward spouse does not feel it is their place to meet the needs of the betrayed spouse.
In other words, all of these marriages have a reluctant spouse, and while each of them has some of their own issues, they are all going to have to be addressed in similar ways.
The one rule that must be followed: no matter how you address it, you need to make sure that you do so in a way that BUILDs love for your reluctant spouse, not DESTROYs it. The last thing you want is your spouse becoming even more reluctant. That means putting aside selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts as a way to get what you want and adopting, as far as it depends on you, thoughtful requests, respectful persuasion, the policy of joint agreement, the four guidelines for successful negotiation. Have you studied up on each of those tools? Do you need help finding them?
You mentioned that things would be easier for you to meet his needs if he was willing to meet your needs. That's true. But I encourage you to avoid saying anything to make that connection in your husband's mind. He MIGHT misunderstand the idea as something like "You have to do for me if you want me to do for you" and that will build resentment in his mind, make it LESS enjoyable for him to meet your needs, make it LESS likely for him to do it, and trigger affair resentment all at the same time!! What you ultimately want is to build a marriage where BOTH of you meet each other's needs because you are married and promised to care for each other in this way. What MelodyLane said is the thought to share instead: "Do you want me to be in love with you? If so, then I need you to do these things in order for that to happen."
Getting there is not an easy path to walk, but there are a lot of people here who have walked it, in marriages with and without an affair. The trick is to walk the path in a way that builds love, not destroys it, and the truth is that how you walk the path is more important than how quickly you walk it, because it's all about that love.
There is going to be some need to control your Taker for the short-term, for long-term gain. This is true in ANY marriage with a reluctant spouse, whether there is an affair or not. You have to eliminate your Taker's instinctive strategies of disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, and angry outbursts forever, anyway. With these eliminated, and with your spouse's Giver satisfied, it becomes possible to slowly move toward having your Taker satisfied. It AIN'T easy.
If you can get your husband to read the books that were mentioned (His Needs, Her Needs; Surviving an Affair; Fall in Love, Stay in Love) that would really help! HNHN and FiLSiL are both available on audiobook CDs if your husband would be more likely to do that. I'm listening to Fall in Love, Stay in Love right now, and it's GREAT!!! Go for that one FIRST for the best overview of the program.
Other options to help you:
* Marriage Builders weekend is a great program with a year's worth of coaching you to meet each other's needs.
* Marriage Builders radio would love to have you call in and ask for advice; maybe they could devote a whole show to this!
* Marriage Builders counseling center can help you devise strategies to get your husband on board in a way that builds love and doesn't make him resentful
* This board of course is a great support forum for days when you need help keeping your Taker under control. Great mix of strategies including reminding you of what your goals are and clubbing you over the head; I've benefited from both. Often.