Man, I hate to do nothing but whine, but this is pretty much the only place I have to do it. (Don�t y�all feel special?) Sometimes the best you can hope for is to serve as a cautionary tale for somebody else.
Maybe you could show this post to someobdy who is thinking of having the harmless fun of an affair � show them what they could really be inflicting on their former families down the road.
I�ve been forced to go back to my attorney due to XWH�s not paying all of his alimony. It looks like he will try to weasel out of it. It�s possible he doesn�t have it; keeping (at least) two houses plus a big pile of girls is expensive. But hey, he�s happy, right? **************************** Dear Mulan�s Attorney
What follows is a point-by-point explanation of the letter from my ex-husband�s attorney:
Number One: In March 2009, XWH sent me a bunch of stuff he wanted notarized � his car title, a timeshare we owned � so he could put it all in his name. It is true I responded only with a postcard. The postcard informed XWH that if he wanted something from me, he was to have his attorney send it to me and I would take care of it.
I heard nothing further from him and nothing from his attorney. I can only conclude that none of this must have been very important to him if he simply let it sit instead of having his attorney send it to me.
This man abandoned our family and destroyed it with a divorce because I would not tolerate his girlfriends, but he wanted me to �work with him� to make the divorce nice and convenient for him.
No. Married couples work together to accomplish things. XWH demanded a divorce and he got it. Now that he has sent the documents through his attorney, I will sign them in front a notary.
I would like to know when he will sign over the title of my car to me, as the divorce decree states he is to do.
Number Two: He states he has deposited a certain amount into the joint checking account each month. I have not withdrawn nearly that amount each month. So where is the balance which should have been accumulating?
Number Three: �The joint checking account automatically deducts the mortgage, water and electricity.� Excuse me?? It deducts the mortgage, but I have been paying the water and electricity directly since he moved out in June of 2008. Neither City Water Company nor City Electric Company have said anything to me on the bills I receive each month about receiving double payments.
Number Four: Yes, I was confused about how this alimony was supposed to work. I walked around in a state of shock for months both before and after he abandoned our family. I am trying to remedy that now so that my remaining family does not lose the house.
XWH made the complaint of a �near overdraft� last year. I believe the �near overdraft� happened when I was trying to pay down some credit card bills, incurred due to necessary home maintenance and to some emergency veterinary bills for a couple of sick and injured animals that I owned long before XWH left. They may just be animals, but I cannot and will not abandon them. (I no longer have these animals now.) And I struggle every day to maintain the house by myself so it will not lose value.
A �near overdraft� has not happened since. Indeed, I have made an extreme effort not to take a penny more than I was legally entitled to and so I withdrew less than I should have. Again, I would like to know where the balance is. That is why I contacted my attorney.
Number Six: I was ordered in the divorce decree to refinance the home. I tried to do this. Big Famous Bank refused, stating that due to the poor state of the housing market the house had lost too much value. I will try again with another lender after this alimony is straightened out. I have to tell the lender exactly how much I am getting and right now I don�t know. That is why I am trying to straighten this out now.
The bottom line here: XWH states he has been depositing the full amount of the court-ordered alimony into the joint checking account each month. I have not withdrawn that full amount in any month. So where is the balance? It�s not in the account.
Again: Everything about the divorce and the alimony was done 100% according to XWH�s demands. So why has he not complied with the arrangement that he insisted on?
Except for the above-mentioned postcard, I have not contacted him in any way, shape or form since he left. I have not seen him, called him, emailed him, written him a letter, nothing. I don�t even know where he lives and I don�t want to know.
He wanted to get rid of me, and he did. So I don�t understand why he is refusing to honor the rest of the legal document that he demanded and that he succeeded in getting.
I did not want a divorce. I only wanted my husband to stop seeing other women and come home and take care of his own family. None of us here wanted him to leave. But to punish me for standing up to him about his adultery and for refusing to look the other way, XWH demanded this divorce and insisted on the alimony being set up as it is.
This was not an �agreement� in any way. All of it was forced on me and shoved in front of me to sign. I only signed because I was, frankly, terrified that he would force the sale of the family home if I did not comply with his wishes.
I still live in fear every day that he will find some way to take the home away from me and my son. That is one reason why I have not pursued this sooner.
All of this literally sickens me. Two years later, I am still struggling every day to clean up the gigantic mess he dumped on our family. It is destroying my health, which is actually pretty funny because (1) I lost my health insurance in the divorce, as did my son, and (2) I was treated for severe anxiety and depression just before XWH left so now I have a �pre-existing condition� and cannot get any sort of decent coverage on my own. Boy, the jokes just keep on coming.
I would like nothing more in life than to have my husband and my family back. I�d like to have my life back. There are two children who would like to have their father back and and two grandchildren who would like to have their �Papa� back.
But XWH insisted that dumping a family who loved him and getting a divorce was going to make him �happy�. Okay. Well, now he is free to chase women 24/7, and between that and all the wreckage and misery he has left in his wake I can only conclude that he must be the happiest man on earth.
Please feel free to send this letter in its entirety to my ex-husband�s attorney.
From my own experience dealing with attorneys, I think you'll want 2 pare that down quite a bit. It'd cost about $500 for my attorney 2 read a letter like that, I kid you not!
Mom -- please take my offer and let me deal with this. I still have the Finanical Power of Attorney in my inbox for you to sign. I'm serious.
You are not up to deal with this properly and you know it. I'm not trying to be snarky, but honestly, this totally painful for you to fully deal with this.
I understand that you may never get over this, ever. And that is your right. But, you need to put these feelings aside for a minute to deal with the financial stuff practically. When does your alimony end? Do you know?
You dont use a phone and cannot deal with this over the telephone. No matter how you feel about it, taxes still need to be paid, alimony is going to end at some point. Are you prepared to deal with that? I really dont think you are. Which is fine -- just admit it and let me help you.
I can set you up for financial success and get this straighted out. Do you really want to continue spinning your wheels for the next two years? If it is so painful for you to deal with, why dont you let someone else do it!
Seriously -- DONT send that letter. They will not take you seriously. I'm sorry -- it won't matter. Just state the facts.
Mulan, I'm puzzled. Surely the bank statements show exactly what is deposited each month, and what is withdrawn? If your XH is not depositing what he claims, or he is indeed depositing it but you are withdrawing most of it, that should be very simple to prove? Do you have no access to the statements, either paper or online?
"I would like nothing more in life than to have my husband and my family back. I�d like to have my life back. There are two children who would like to have their father back and and two grandchildren who would like to have their �Papa� back."
You know, the grandkids would like nothing more than have their Grandma back too. They haven't seen you in a year. And we know why. I know this situation is very hard on your health and it is very, very difficult to deal with.
But, we are here too. The grandkids are here too. I dont know why I'm posting on this message board, as I would like things to be private, but I feel like this situation has taken over. And maybe you'll listen.
You have me, DS22, son-in-law and two grandkids that need their Grandma too. Let us help you deal with this, get yoru financials straightend out, you can push him aside and try to enjoy life a little with DS22 and US. All of this focus on DS22 and the boys living in your house -- what about our girls? They are missing their Grandma.
The bottom line here: XWH states he has been depositing the full amount of the court-ordered alimony into the joint checking account each month. I have not withdrawn that full amount in any month. So where is the balance? It�s not in the account.
Why a joint account? Why haven't you established your own account for the alimony to be deposited into? This entire alimony problem would be solved with YOUR individual account.
You could put your daughter on the account with you so that she would have access in case of emergency. (I have my daughter on my account with me and it works great for that).
Mom -- have you looked into the joint checking account to see how things are being deposited?
The last time we talked about this, you said you didn't want to look in there and don't have a password? I understand your fear of looking into the account (you said you didn't want to look in there for fear of seeing something fishy), but like I've said, you need to see how things are getting paid.
Bottom line: close the account, have a set amount of money deposited into the account and pay the bills from there.
Like I've said before: Tell the attorneys that a) you want to close the joint account, b) Deposit xyz amount into your checking checking and c) Note that you'll pay xyz bills on xyz date.
It is complicated because I know the mortage is still in both of your names and in this economy it is going to be hard to get the house into your name. You'll need to show, in writing, that you'll pay it xyz date and paying xyz amount.
It is very simple. Or if it is too difficult, let me take over. I can get this squared away for you in one month. Problem solved, no more stress over financials.
(you said you didn't want to look in there for fear of seeing something fishy)
Define fishy?
Originally Posted by cyndyk
It is very simple. Or if it is too difficult, let me take over. I can get this squared away for you in one month. Problem solved, no more stress over financials.
She said she didn't want to see any transactions from XH that she didn't want to see.
I get that -- I do. It is still painful. But the reality is, financials must be dealt with effectively.
I live in fear everyday that you are going to wakeup and not relaize that alimony has ended, the IRS is sending you a giant bill or your house will not be re-fianced since you weren't prepared to deal with it appropriately.
Mulan says she doesn't use a phone. You need a phone to re-finance, you need a password to review your joint bank account to see what is being paid -- AND WHEN.
Mulan doesn't do this because she is scared. I understand that. Please someone help me convince her to allow someone else to help her.
I do care. I'm sorry to do this on a public board. But you have supportive friends here. Let me help you deal with this. This is killing you. You do your best to handle your emotions and DS22. Let me deal with the financials. Please. Please. Please.
Mulan, you need to look at your financial future. I can't imagine anything worse than to have gone through all the cr@p that you have and then lose whatever is left. All because you didn't want to look at the bank statements for fear of seeing a transaction that indicated sleezy behavior. Please let your daughter help you with this and get it in control. Protect yourself!!! You might think things can't get worse, but they CAN!
Mulan, I agree with others who say that you need to have your own account at this point. You are now solely responsible for your financial future. Sure, it stinks, it's unfair and frightening, but it IS, and you are going to have to be the one to take care of you.
It's not in my nature to lay down and take it. I always pop back up like a weeble wobble, so I find it hard to relate to your lack of action. I find it hard to relate to the fear of knowing. I find it hard to relate to giving in. Sure, I have fears, but I continue to walk in the face of them. I don't give myself a choice,and I am grateful for that tenacity, because even though I don't have my house anymore, and I have what I would consider a more uncertain future, I am happy, I feel safe because I know when the poo hits the fan, *I* will be there to take care of me.
RECOVERY IS A CHOICE. It's not granted to you by the recovery fairy. It takes a lot of hard work, A LOT! But it first has to start with a choice.
I'm not trying to be hard on you, Mulan...I want you to take action, so that you can live a better, happier, safter, healthier life.
Mulan, I agree with others who say that you need to have your own account at this point. You are now solely responsible for your financial future. Sure, it stinks, it's unfair and frightening, but it IS, and you are going to have to be the one to take care of you.
It's not in my nature to lay down and take it. I always pop back up like a weeble wobble, so I find it hard to relate to your lack of action. I find it hard to relate to the fear of knowing. I find it hard to relate to giving in. Sure, I have fears, but I continue to walk in the face of them. I don't give myself a choice,and I am grateful for that tenacity, because even though I don't have my house anymore, and I have what I would consider a more uncertain future, I am happy, I feel safe because I know when the poo hits the fan, *I* will be there to take care of me.
RECOVERY IS A CHOICE. It's not granted to you by the recovery fairy. It takes a lot of hard work, A LOT! But it first has to start with a choice.
I'm not trying to be hard on you, Mulan...I want you to take action, so that you can live a better, happier, safter, healthier life.
Thank you. This is what I've been trying to tell Mulan for a long time.
You may never be fully recovered and that is understandable. Life for you has been tramatic for the last 10 years. You have made great strides in getting yourself better, little by little. For that, I'm very proud. You have a good job, you care for the house well and help a lot with DS22's friends.
But, now, you must continue to recover. You've recovered by blocking out pain, IMO.
You've told me that you can handle the finances and then "take an Ativan" to recover. That is no way to handle this stuff.
The finances will not go away. If you are not equipped to handle them fully, life for you will get worse. You must face this head-on.
Sometimes if even hurts me. I worry that you may never get over this situation. And I feel like I've lost a mother to this situation. Soemone who doesn't know my kids or use a phone to call me when I need you. I beleive you are still in, as you guys say around here, "the fog". When you've been hurt tramatically it is hard to see anything else but your situation in front of you.
Please make a good choice and choose to see the good things in front of you. You have a house, you do have money coming in, you have a son who needs your guidance, and girls who who need a grandma. Sometimes you are so worried about XH not seeing the girls when you haven't seen them either.
I see what you post and I'm not trying to be hard on you. But I know you post strong, hard facts to others when that isnt what they want to read. So, I'm doing the same for you.
Please let me help you. If anything, you have potiential to lead a full, productive and happy life with the finances and people around you. Life isn't perfect and we all wish things were different. Unfortuantely, there are always things we can't change. You've gone through something devasating -- I'll never deny you the right to grieve the rest of your life. But dont left this event dictate how you'll live forever. I believe you'll live to regret it.
I have read many posts from you, Mulan. I have often wondered if you are not "spinning your wheels" in despair due to the situation. I do not know if it is healthy.
Find out your financial status today. If you do not know how to- for the love of god, get a plan to figure it out, today.
No one is helping you here, if we are just patting you on the back and not helping you to generate positive change.
Okay, I'm sorry I posted this. I never should have done it.
The attorneys are handling everything. I am doing things according to their advice. It seemed to me very foolish to attempt this any other way - what am I supposed to do, call up XWH and ask him to help?? - so I got the professionals to help me clean up the mess and that's what's happening now.
I do not know what else I could have done.
Am I scared? Hell yes, I'm scared. I'm not ashamed of that. Sometimes you should be. Bravery and stupidity are often confused.
But neither am I sticking my fingers in my ears and going "la la la". Thanks a lot. If I was, I would not have hired some big-gun local attorneys to help me deal with this.
The housing market killed the re-fi. I did what I was supposed to do. That was out of my control. All I can do is try again, once the attorneys have cleaned up the mess. That's all anyone could do.
I use phone when I need to use a phone. I just do not leave it on. That is to protect me.
I have not taken an Ativan since about Christmas. I use kava occasionally, but that's all. I have not been on anti-depressants since about last fall.
I only posted this to show some who think that divorce will solve all their problems that no, it will not.
Even though I have absolutely no contact with XWH whatsoever - and I can only imagine what y'all would tell me if I did - he still manages to make my life extremely painful. Every time I turn around, I run smack into something else of his that I am forced to clean up.
I did not ask for any of this. I have tried for *years* to get away from it, but the point is - you can't. It's amazing how someone you haven't seen or spoken to in two solid years can still tear up your life on a daily basis, no matter what you do.
Again - this was meant as something to think about for anyone who thinks divorce will make it all go away. It won't.
I am fine. Really. I sent another letter to the attorneys this morning. Now I have to get back to work.
Did you read anything I said? You are very brave but you are not dealing with the details. I'm worried that you need to do more to secure your future.
You are scared. And that is fine -- I understand that. I never ever said that was not ok.
I'm worried about you -- that is all I'm saying. You and I can work together to get the details complete. You dont need to talk to XH.
If you dont want to do it, that is fine. I'm just offering help. I know details and I know I can help you. If you are willing to face some uncomfortable details I can help you get this resolved. I spoke with a mortgage person and she said she can help.
You need to face the details. We are only doing what I know you've offered countless of people. What do you say when people get uncomfortable and have you face life facts? You tell them not to run and accept help. You dont run. Right now, you are. I'm sorry.
Cyndyk - Good for you for loving your mom enough to come here and give your input.
I'm kind of like your mom because it took me a long, long time to start recovering. And I doubt that I will ever be completely recovered from the mess my ex left.
The affair, followed by the recession really did a number on me. And while it is best to pick up the pieces and go on with life, some things cannot be changed. My finances and plans for a nice retirement were trashed. Our family is split into pieces.
Rebuilding is almost impossible, not so much because of the affair, but the years of lies, and the fact that one of my given children accepted her dad and the OW into her home.
Your mortgage solution sounds interesting, but the fact that Mulan was turned down for a mortgage makes me wonder. It is hard to refinance right now given the housing plunge.
If you can help mom, then write out a plan for her to review.
I just want to make it totally clear, esp to Mulan. I cannot even fathom going through this situation. I live far away so I didn't witness what it was like to live in that house. Only Mulan did. If it takes years to process this situation, that is totally fine and understandable.
However -- all I know is this: alimony doesn't last forever, you are taxed on alimony and the house needs to be re-finaced and the joint account and daily bills re-worked. The current situation is a mess and needs fixing -- so Mulan can get what she deserves.
When I hear the follwoing (paraphrased)... -- I"m afraid XH is going to take the house from me and my son -- I don't use the phone as protection (from XH possible calls) -- Don't access joint account for fear of seeing what is going on -- I don't want to hear XH name
... I'm just worried that Mulan is not ready to fully dig deep into the accounts, set them up, sign papers and fully read them. Maybe things are different now.
Again, that is fine and it is her choice to take as much time as she needs to resolve her feelings around this.
The banks, unfortunately, are not going to wait that long. Alimony runs out, taxes on alimony are due, or the house goes into forclosure (though likely not). I jsut want to make sure her financials are ok so when Mulan is ready to fully deal with them, they will be waiting for her.
I'm not trying to be pushy and mean -- I'm honestly worried for her.
PS Yes, you are right the mortage thing is tricky. Nobody is getting loans, but the first time around, Mulan didn't give them all of her info, so she was denied. It might be different the next time. I'm not saying that I can make magic work with the house, but I can certainly try.
PPS I've sent along steps and minor plan to help. I've offered to be her Financial Power of Attorney so I can dig deep and resolve these details (like the joint checking).I know this is higly upsetting to her so I thought I could take the stress off.
"When I hear the follwoing (paraphrased)... -- I"m afraid XH is going to take the house from me and my son -- I don't use the phone as protection (from XH possible calls) -- Don't access joint account for fear of seeing what is going on -- I don't want to hear XH name"
The above is all very familiar to me.
Mom's fears are justified, because this has been her experience.
Set up your own bank account. Make sure that every penny, to which you are entitled, goes into your own account. There is absolutely no need for you to see anything that your XWH does in regard to banking, other than that he makes the correct alimony payments to you.
What has likely happened to the money in the joint account is this: BECAUSE it is joint, what he puts in, he can take out. Let Cyndy help you get that straightened out. You are entitled to the retun of any alimony money that he later withdrew, IMO.
Yes, what he did to you and your marriage was horrible, but you are perpetuating your own victimhood by not taking control of your own life.
You are a beautiful and talented woman and worth far more than the likes of your XWH.
Take back your life. SHOW HIM THAT HE IS NOT ALL THAT!
Living well is the best revenge, Mulan, and I wish you to have a future full of happiness and contentmentl but, YOU have to do the work necessary.
Let your daughter help...and, BTW, it looks like you did an OUTSTANDING job raising her!
"When I hear the follwoing (paraphrased)... -- I"m afraid XH is going to take the house from me and my son -- I don't use the phone as protection (from XH possible calls) -- Don't access joint account for fear of seeing what is going on -- I don't want to hear XH name"
The above is all very familiar to me.
Mom's fears are justified, because this has been her experience.
I never said they were not. Mulan needs more time to recover. From what I'm hearing, even getting a message from the attorney is a trigger for her. From my persepective, she can control those triggers by implementing a few things listed above.
As an outsider and someone not in that situation, I jsut want to protect her. I'm just worried that if she doesn't deal with them appropriately and quickly, she will continue, as she said, "be sabatoged" by the attorneys. Some of this stuff is easy to implement: you sign papers, research tax issues, create savings accounts to save for taxes, setup mortgage payments online. But that also requires reading the documents, engaging further with attorneys and be on the phone with banks, etc. Im not even mentioning the mortgage -- that could get very tricky.
Get this in order takes time, effort and will not be easy. Knowing how hard this is, I dont want her to subject herself to this anymore.
I'm really trying to help. I jsut want this part of all of this to be over for her. It really is the most important for her future. I just want to make sure she is getting what she deserves. If this drags out further it may not. Unfortunately, all of the letters to attorneys will not help. It will take a lot of her time, which I dont think she wants to give. On the one hand, I dont blame her. On the other, I'm worried about that.
I'm hoping that she is reading and knows that you are there to help her. That is the best thing you can do, offer help.
I don't know about your mom, but I know that I avoided lots of things, and didn't deal with them. It just seemed to be too much effort. Finally I snapped out of it, and have caught up.
Hang in there and don't give up on Mom. You are a good woman and I'm proud of you.
As someone who has been through this, I can't stress enough how important it is to get rid of that joint account!!! He can direct deposit into your own account. Or mail you a check. Either way, you can NOT let him have any further access to you - in any way whatsoever!
Waywards are liars, cheats and thieves. Yes, thieves. I would even wager that every MB BS with a chronic wayward, whether in plan A, B or D, has had their wayward steal from them - monetarily as well as the life blood that they all suck from you. Read Hope's thread. Read Holyheart's. They take, take, take, take, take and when there's nothing left, they blame you for it. Your balances don't add up - I guarantee he's taking it. This is not a hunch. This is a certainty.
You have no contact with him, yet he can see every transaction that you make. He knows everything about you. He can control you with this. All he has to do is make a big withdrawal and none of your bills are paid. Please, for your own sake, put a stop to this!!!
I understand that you don't want to look at the history. I don't blame you. Cindyk has graciously offered to help. Why don't you get her to print out all of the monthly statements as far back as the bank keeps records of. Just print them out, give them to your attorney or file them away. Don't look at them. Just have them. Then, withdraw all the money, remove your name and open an account in your own name. Have your attorney contact WXH with the details to deposit the alimony. Contact your mortgage and utility companies and anybody else who gets paid from that account and give them the new information. Then you can monitor your finances yourself, without fear of WXH ever seeing or knowing about it, and without fear of seeing or knowing anything about his transactions.
Please, please, please Mulan, do this. The thing that makes personal recovery through divorce a little easier than marital recovery is that there are very real, tangible benchmarks of your progress. Separating yourself completely from a poisonous WXH is one of those things. You have not done this yet. How can you expect to move on when you freely allow him to have this power over you?
Mulan- you are holding onto nothing when you hold on to these accounts and problems. Your XWH is not going to feel sorry for you, or charge in on his white horse to straighten out your financial mess. Not now, not ever.
If you really can't deal with the account, or your counsel, to the point of your (and your son's) detriment- you are in need of anxiety medication.
Everyone who bothers to post is worried about your well being. We would not be helping you to say the "status quo" is OK. Is is apparent it is not.
You need help. Trust is very hard for you. Understood.
Just to note -- even if the attorneys setup the direct deposit, there are still a million details to be setup, like attempting another re-fi (and include the alimony amount, rent from people living with her, and printing out and providing bank statments from, yes, that old dumb joint account). Tax savings accounts need to be setup, and other items need to be signed.
Mulan will need to open up those documents and read them. Her attorneys cannot continue to read them for her, at a huge cost.
This.will.drag.out. I'm just not sure why Mulan would want to subject herself to that. Letting someone else take care of it allows her to NOT have to engage the attorneys any longer, not have to deal with any of it any longer.
If she is tired of being sabatoged, well, lets take steps to prevent that: -- Change your home phone number. That way, XH's name will never appear if you are getting a credit card at a random store. That will cut down on that stuff.
-- Give Financial Power of Attorney to me and son-in-law. You've told mortgage people that you don't use a phone. If you need to protect yourself, still, do it. Let me do it for you.
If sabatoge is a worry for you -- why won't you accept my help? You will continue to be sabatoged little by little. Why would you subject yourself to that?
And finally -- let go. You never have to let go of the hurt. But try to stop letting XH rule your life. This situation has ruled ALL of our lives for 10 years. I'm tired of watching you suffer.
I'm sure the attorneys will do just fine. But it will drag on and you'll continue to feel terrible and send me long tirades about how XH continues to ruin your life. Stop. Stop. Now. Please.
Let me help you. Letting me help you, helps DS22. Letting me help you secures your future. Letting me help you stops most of the "sabatoge".
Think about it from my POV -- how would you feel watching me subject myself to this hell?
Mulan, I was thinking ... I was thinking about how people always say that Plan B is for you. For your health, and your sanity. Not to recover a marriage, but to protect you.
Obviously every contact with this man tears you up. I hate that. He caused it to become this way, and that's horrible.
I don't know if you are officially "in plan B" or not, but I think that if you are not, you should be. Plan B this man for the rest of your life, to protect you.
And I was thinking that in Plan B, usually all talk of divorce goes through attorneys, and all other talk goes to a designated intermediary. The IM filters out everything that isn't pertaining to finances or custody arrangements or a small handful of other serious matters, and passes on nothing unless absolutely necessary.
Now that the divorce is final (am I right that it is?) it seems to me you ought to still have a designated intermediary. Everything that comes to you not through the IM gets trashed. The IM protects you from all possible contact with the wayward and you never hear from him again. If there's something you absolutely have to sign, IM brings it to you, you sign with a minimum of fuss and thought, so that memories of this man will not trigger you often.
If you don't have a designated IM, I would say you should definitely get one.
Your daughter is telling you what you need to hear.
Others here as well.
You have insulated yourself from having your WxH contact you. (turning off the phone, etc) And there are things that are going to affect you anyway.
You have to close that joint account. Move the auto payments to a new accountthat you set up, then take a check from the old account to fund the new, Have your attorney tell your WxH's attorney to make the deposit to your new account.
Alimony is TAXABLE income. You need to file a tax return and report the income, and then your other income, and your deductions. Understand something: Your WxH has filed his returns, and will have reported the amount of alimony that he claims to have paid. This may be different than the amount that you feel he has paid. Unfortunatly, the IRS will go with the higher number. Please take care of your tax returns.
I'm glad your daughter is willing 2 help. Lawyers can be bad, good, or very good. But they're always very expensive, as well.
When we were dealing with my SIL's lawsuit I kid you not - every single email or phone call 2 our lawyer (who was on our side, after all), cost us a few hundred bucks. By the time we were done "letting him handle things", we owed over $5K beyond the $10K retainer.
So if your daughter is capable and willing 2 help you finish this off, you should take advantage.
I might also suggest you find a good financial advisor 2 help you with investments and setting up a living trust for your fu2re and for your kids. We did and it was probably the smartest thing we did (and it costs very little more than time).
How are you? I really hope you reconsider my offer to let me help you take care of your final financials.
Just send me the paperwork and I'll deal with it. You can keep going with life as you know it. I'll list every single detailed that needs to be changed and set things up for you.
I really dont mind. I want to help you. I know things can't be changed, but this part is somewhat in your control.
If you feel sabatoged by his name coming up when you give your phone number at the store, I imagine you feel sabatoged every single time you get paperwork in the mail or have to write your attorney.
Lessen the sabatoge by handing over the paperwork. Let me deal with it. Why would you want to continue doing this to yourself, if you feel totally helpless to it now?
I think you should sell the damn house and be done with him once and for all. Get rid of everything, and start over, with no memories and no regrets.
I did it, and moved thousands of miles away. Heck I even got rid of all my clothes I had when I was with him. I sold what I could, and left the rest. (you know the song)
Mulan, that was the best and only thing I could have done to put it all behind me and start over.
Who cares if you take a loss on the house, your life is passing you by and that is worth more than any amount of equity, ANY AMOUNT.
Heck, you work from home, you could live anywhere. You could live in Key West, or in the mountains. You could make new friends and have a whole new life, a life filled with happiness and joy.
I am leaving shortly to go to a cottage I rented on the beach for my own daughter and her girlfriend and myself. I am so excited I can barely stand it.
You could be doing things like this, too, and he could be far in your past.
For heavens sake, Mulan, turn your stuff over to your daughter and start living again. And spend some time with her and those grand-babies.
You know, you are one of the people here I consider a friend and someone who I consider a really good person.
I know things are bad or your daughter wouldn't be here trying to talk to you on the internet instead of in person.
There are so many guys out there that would love to have a smart, caring woman for a friend to do things with and get out with.
You gotta stop isolating yourself. It's not so good to work from home when you are kind of basically alone. That's why I really think you need to get out of that house and start over. Not today, I know it is too soon, but you could start thinking about what you would like your future to be. Heck, you could get a cute little cottage somewhere really fabulous and start all over.
I think you should sell the damn house and be done with him once and for all. Get rid of everything, and start over, with no memories and no regrets.
You could have stopped here and said all that needed to be said. WOW!! Well said.
I am free from the house, and to some extent, my WxH (except for child custody discussions and legalities) and feel better than I have in years! I feel calm and (mostly)sane and truly happy. I let the old marriage, my OLD dreams, my old wishes GO...and am making new dreams and goals. Takes some recovery to get there, though.
Mulan, I hope you are still reading here and gathering the courage to let go and move forward. It's scary, but oh so worth it.
The best thing I ever did was move 30 miles away into my own place. Oh, I took some of the furniture, but in a new place it doesn't seem like the same stuff. I picked it all out anyway, so he really didn't have much vested in it which made it mine. And the best part is - I get the WHOLE walk-in closet, BOTH bathroom sinks, and the toilet is MINE which means the seat is ALWAYS down.
Some people take longer to heal than others, but I do believe you are in a rut Mulan. Change up your life a little and concentrate on you. I've seen your picture on the photo thread and you are gorgeous, however you won't be attractive to anyone if you stay in this state of mind.
I also moved and started over. I remember each and every step of the process - painting the old place, fixing stuff that had been broken for years, changing rooms here and there, then finally selling it. Yes, I have some of the old furniture but it really doesn't look the same in the new place. My former bed (the marital bed) is now in the spare room.
With each step accomplished, there was a teeny bit of burden lifted from my shoulders. As the house became more mine and less ours, I felt like I was building a barrier to protect me from ghosts of the past. When I moved away, I left them to the lady who bought the house. I hope they get along!
Mulan.
Well said.