The Buyer and the Renter
In my Q&A column, Living Together Before Marriage, I described two approaches to marital conflict: The approach of the Buyer and the approach of the Renter. To help you understand why it may be difficult for you to complain to your spouse as soon as problem arises, I return to that analogy.

When a couple live together before marriage, they tend to be "renters." By that I mean that they view their relationship much as they would renting an apartment. If something goes wrong in an apartment, the landlord is expected to fix it -- if it needs paint, the landlord paints it; if it needs repairs, the landlord does the repairing. In other words, the renter is not responsible for making the apartment suitable for living -- the landlord is responsible. And if the apartment is not repaired, the tenant isn't expected to fix the apartment himself, he simply moves to another apartment if he doesn't like the one he is renting.

In the same way, couples who live together before marriage do not expect to make many changes to accommodate their lovers. The relationship is a test of how "livable" their relationship is, and if they were to find it uncomfortable, or if one were to complain much, it would mean that they would not be right for each other.

Those who live together before marriage tend to ignore conflicts until they become intensely negative. That's why these relationships are notoriously abusive (as reported in a recent Justice Department study on domestic abuse). If these couples eventually marry, they carry their renter's agreement into marriage, with the same tendency to ignore conflicts until they build up. Since the renter's agreement does not promote healthy adjustment in marriage, or the sustaining of romantic love -- the vast majority of these marriages end in divorce.

On the other hand, when couples marry before they live together, they tend to be "buyers." Much like buying a house, these couples realize that if anything needs fixing, they will have to fix it -- the sooner, the better. Their marriage is not a test of how livable their relationship is, but rather, it's a commitment to make their relationship livable. That means that when a problem first surfaces, they go right to work fixing it, knowing that if they don't fix it soon, it can lead to an even bigger problem later.

I say run far, far away.

You might be thinking "easier said than done" but this really is your best option.

I pray you are strong enough and smart enough to do just this.

Jamela, believe me, we all know that being married is no guarantee of fidelity! In your situation, your friend did not have an affair because you are not married. He is a free agent so the concepts wouldn't fit your situation.

People don't seem to understand a relationship that is outside of marriage.

An unmarried couple can be just as committed to each other as a married couple. As I said before, I was married and "marital committment" did not stop him from having affairs.

People don't seem to understand a relationship that is outside of marriage. An unmarried couple can be just as committed to each other as a married couple.

We have a sort of unconditional love for each other that I wouldn't expect you to know unless you know the two individuals personally!

What I want is some reassurance from him that something can and will change. He knows that I always wanted more of a committment so maybe he will come around. I will know in time. He is very remorseful for what he did and the end result and I know that he will take care of his responsibility. Beside me loving him, he helps me out a lot with my house and I cherish his friendship as he does mine. We have a sort of unconditional love for each other that I wouldn't expect you to know unless you know the two individuals personally!

Thanks again,

Is there any advise you can give me other than walking away?

Is there any advise you can give me other than walking away? Is that the only solution? This can't be the worst you've seen in these posts!

I understand your point about the interview but once again, the person that seems to be the best candidate for the interview still does not guarantee job well done.

last question! out of curiosity, are you ladies professional advisors or just members?

I get it now! I looked at other posts where husbands cheated on there wives with more than one woman and your advise to the married lady is to 'bust up the affair' talk to our counselors and make your marriage work! So the cheater is OK if he's married. I didn't see you telling the married lady to run! What's going to change after they talk to the counselor and the smoke clears away...he'll probably cheat again..right? so why not tell her to RUN also..does it have something to do with this site making $$$ off of married couples???

I'm not married..and you made the point that this site is for married couples..

ok..I feel better that you are all 'just members' whewww. When I browsed through the site and read some of the psychologist views on indiscretions and infidelities, it was a little more realistic and impersonal. You ladies are killing me! thanks anyway...

I'm not married..and you made the point that this site is for married couples..

Filled with personal examples and practical advice, Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders will help you assess relationship attitudes and transform a Freeloader or Renter into a fully-committed Buyer. You'll even learn how one or both of you can try out the Buyer attitude before you decide to become one.

Although Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders was intended to be a book to help dating couples create lifelong relationships together, you will be sure to find this a most valuable source of information for your marriage. You will discover what is behind the attitudes that can cause connectedness between you and your spouse to break down. You will also discover how to change them.

Is there any advise you can give me other than walking away? Is that the only solution? This can't be the worst you've seen in these posts!

It worked perfectly fine for us.

In fact he treated me better than my ex-husband with the exception of the affair. Not to knock marriage, but I was married and lived in a house with our kids and traveled and all that fun stuff that goes with it. But let me tell you my ex-husband cheated when I was pregnant and when my daughter was 4 and who knows when else, and not one time was my husban consciencious enough to confess to his faults! I ended up cheating on him in the end and after 12 years of marriage we was divorced.

Thank you for your reply. However, I failed to mentioned that we do not live together.

Being married alone, does not guarantee that your husband is not going to walk out because he can walk away just as fast as a renter!

I get it now! I looked at other posts where husbands cheated on there wives with more than one woman and your advise to the married lady is to 'bust up the affair' talk to our counselors and make your marriage work! So the cheater is OK if he's married. I didn't see you telling the married lady to run! What's going to change after they talk to the counselor and the smoke clears away...he'll probably cheat again..right? so why not tell her to RUN also..does it have something to do with this site making $$$ off of married couples???

I actually feel in a better situation than if I was married. I've been married where my husband cheated on me and I felt stuck because I had kids with him and a house.

I never cheated with him while he was married. We were friends (platonic friends) before he got married and before I got married, 24 years ago. We were attracted to each other at that time but life took us on different paths. We got together only 8 years ago when we were both free! No, we did not sin. People don't seem to understand a relationship that is outside of marriage. An unmarried couple can be just as committed to each other as a married couple. As I said before, I was married and "marital committment" did not stop him from having affairs.

Thank you : )

What's going to change after they talk to the counselor and the smoke clears away...he'll probably cheat again..right?

I understand your point about the interview but once again, the person that seems to be the best candidate for the interview still does not guarantee job well done.

last question! out of curiosity, are you ladies professional advisors or just members?

I get it now! I looked at other posts where husbands cheated on there wives with more than one woman and your advise to the married lady is to 'bust up the affair' talk to our counselors and make your marriage work! So the cheater is OK if he's married. I didn't see you telling the married lady to run! What's going to change after they talk to the counselor and the smoke clears away...he'll probably cheat again..right? so why not tell her to RUN also..does it have something to do with this site making $$$ off of married couples???

does it have something to do with this site making $$$ off of married couples???

out of curiosity, are you ladies professional advisors or just members?

The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Counseling Center at the top of this page.

Whether you like it or not we live in a society that values marriage. Social Institutions exist for a reason: they work! The institution of dating, by nature, is temporary. It's a method for getting to know whether someone is worthy as a potential mate. It's structure is not meant to be permanent and it shouldn't be. You should be able to walk away easily if it isn't working out - with few losses except maybe a bruised heart. Once a level of commitment is established you say to those around you - I am willing to marry this person, and you get engaged. However, all you have to do is say the word and the engagement is ended. It's a little more difficult but lives have not yet been entwined - you can walk away. And then there is marriage. It isn't just a commitment between two people. It is a commitment between them and the society around them. They are saying to society that they will be bonded together, raise children together, be 'off' the market and society is saying in turn - we will support your union. Just because there are unhappy marriages doesn't make the institution broken - it makes it human.

So let me explain to you what unconditional love in marriage is, and then we'll see whether or not it makes any sense to promise such a thing at a wedding. Let's begin by taking the phrase apart, looking at each word critically.

"Unconditional" means that there are no prerequisites or contingencies to the promise. The promise of love is to be made regardless of all circumstances, including what the other person chooses to do. There should be no confusion regarding its meaning.

"Love," however, is a different matter, and I've seen many different ways to define it. I define love as applied to marriage in two ways: (1) romantic love which is the feeling of incredible attraction to someone and (2) caring love which is meeting someone's needs. When you're in love, you feel something, and when you care, you do something.

I have specifically eliminated a third definition of love that is widely expressed: Wishing someone the best in life. When someone says "I love everyone," that's usually what they mean. And that kind of love can reasonably be given unconditionally. Personally, I want everyone to be happy, and no one to suffer regardless of what they've done to me or others. If that's what's meant by unconditional love at a wedding, I have no problem with it.

But in that context, the wedding vow could be offered to the audience as well as the bride and groom. Using this meaning of love at a wedding, doesn't make much sense because it doesn't offer a unique promise.

My definitions of love makes the spouse very unique, but the promise itself very conditional. If I promise to be incredibly attracted to Joyce, and to meet her emotional needs for the rest of our lives together, it doesn't make sense if there are no conditions attached.

Romantic love, my first definition of love, is created when someone makes massive Love Bank deposits by meeting important emotional needs. When an account is high enough to breach the romantic love threshold, a feeling of incredible attraction is reached. If those deposits continue, and withdrawals don't threaten to reduce the balance significantly, romantic love is experienced indefinitely. I've been in love with Joyce for the entire 46 years that we've been married because she's kept her account in the stratosphere.

If I had promised to be in love with Joyce unconditionally, I would have failed to understand how romantic love is created and destroyed. It's not what I do that causes me to be in love with Joyce--it's what she does. So I can only promise to be in love with her if she meets my important emotional needs, and avoids hurting me. I have nothing to do with it, except to give her an opportunity to make those deposits.

My second definition of love, caring love, makes unconditional love seem possible. Technically, I could try to meet my wife's emotional needs without condition. But could I do it indefinitely, and would it be a good idea?

Let's take a few examples. Suppose a wife were to have an affair, divorce her husband, and marry her lover. Should her ex-husband continue supporting her financially if they had no children together? Should he provide the same support that he would if they were married? Should he be there to help her through life's struggles? Some who believe in unconditional love feel that he should.

Or, suppose a husband sexually molested their children and ended up in prison. Should his wife continue to meet his emotional needs during conjugal visits? Some who believe in unconditional love think that she should.

What if a husband were to beat his wife senseless in a fit of drunken rage? Should she continue to meet his emotional needs? I once counseled a couple where the husband tried to kill his wife three times. After his last effort he buried her in a shallow grave because he thought she was dead. But she managed to recover, dig herself free, and crawl for help. Should she give him another chance? Should she meet his emotional needs for the rest of his life? The elders of her church thought she should because they believed in unconditional love. After I encouraged her to divorce her husband, they never referred anyone to me again.

So if there's no religious reason to give or receive unconditional love in marriage, we're left with practical reasons. And I know of none. If Joyce were to tell me that she loves me unconditionally, and were to mean by that that she'll meet my emotional needs regardless of how I treat her, I wouldn't be very motivated to treat her with utmost care. I could get away with anything, knowing that she'd be there to pick up the pieces. There are many that I counsel that expect to be cared for unconditionally after an affair, abuse, and even attempted murder. After all, it was promised at the time of their wedding.

My job as a marriage counselor is to encourage both spouses to meet each other's emotional needs, and avoid hurting each other. When they follow my advice, they fall in love and stay in love. But one spouse can't do the job alone. They must work together to build a successful marriage. Neither should promise unconditional love because a great marriage is a joint effort that requires many conditions.

And you know...we are all just so narrow-minded since we won't accept that a dating relationship is just the same as a marriage.

I don't believe that you can go a lifetime with one person without someone messing up somewhere along the way.

Hi Gack, I am more of a realist. I don't believe that you can go a lifetime with one person without someone messing up somewhere along the way. When I entered this relationship, I just came out of a messy relationship and prior to that a divorced from my cheating husband of 12 years. 8 years ago I entered into this relationship with my current bf because I felt safe due to our long term friendship.. I wasn't looking to fall in love...I was just enjoying the companionship (traveling etc.) but of course my heart got in the way. I new of his past with women but I ignored it. I just thought that as he get older that he would get more settled..

Whether you like it or not we live in a society that values marriage. Social Institutions exist for a reason: they work! The institution of dating, by nature, is temporary. It's a method for getting to know whether someone is worthy as a potential mate. It's structure is not meant to be permanent and it shouldn't be. You should be able to walk away easily if it isn't working out - with few losses except maybe a bruised heart. Once a level of commitment is established you say to those around you - I am willing to marry this person, and you get engaged. However, all you have to do is say the word and the engagement is ended. It's a little more difficult but lives have not yet been entwined - you can walk away. And then there is marriage. It isn't just a commitment between two people. It is a commitment between them and the society around them. They are saying to society that they will be bonded together, raise children together, be 'off' the market and society is saying in turn - we will support your union. Just because there are unhappy marriages doesn't make the institution broken - it makes it human.

Marital Bliss, If you don't know what you're talking about then maybe you should not comment at all. You sound like a very bitter person. Even more so than me...however, I want to clear up one thing. We were both previously MARRIED! All his kids were not born out of WEDLOCK! and none of my kids were born out of WEDLOCK! I hope god help you in your life because those who throw stones will surely get it right back and you won't even know or beleive its happening to you! I did not come on this site to be bashed. You are no better than my SO! pray for yourself.....

Marital Bliss, If you don't know what you're talking about then maybe you should not comment at all. You sound like a very bitter person. Even more so than me...however, I want to clear up one thing. We were both previously MARRIED! All his kids were not born out of WEDLOCK! and none of my kids were born out of WEDLOCK! I hope god help you in your life because those who throw stones will surely get it right back and you won't even know or beleive its happening to you! I did not come on this site to be bashed. You are no better than my SO! pray for yourself.....

It's a fact of life....how old are you?? Al Gore and Tipper are realizing that after 40 years...so pleeaaase. I don't live in a bubble to end up in some crazy home later because 'oh, I thought it couldn't happen to me...oh my god'

at least I can still smile...

Hi Gack, I am more of a realist. I don't believe that you can go a lifetime with one person without someone messing up somewhere along the way.

Hi Gack, I am more of a realist. I don't believe that you can go a lifetime with one person without someone messing up somewhere along the way. When I entered this relationship, I just came out of a messy relationship and prior to that a divorced from my cheating husband of 12 years. 8 years ago I entered into this relationship with my current bf because I felt safe due to our long term friendship.. I wasn't looking to fall in love...I was just enjoying the companionship (traveling etc.) but of course my heart got in the way. I new of his past with women but I ignored it. I just thought that as he get older that he would get more settled..

This was a mistake to get on a site with a bunch of miserable closed minded man hating witches!!

This was a mistake to get on a site with a bunch of miserable closed minded man hating witches!! wowwww...I hate to hear what your men did to you. See this is what happen when you trust,trust,trust....don't belittle me cause it's coming to bite you in the you know where!!

to answer your question..he makes a very, very good living..

Hey it worked for Tiger Woods...you don't see little miss nanny running any where! Trust me, I probably get more benefits from my bf than you'll ever get from you HUSBAND!

YOU BASH ME AND YOU'RE GONNA GET IT RIGHT BACK!

Wow, markos, I think you just got neutered.

This was a mistake to get on a site with a bunch of miserable closed minded man hating witches!! wowwww...I hate to hear what your men did to you. See this is what happen when you trust,trust,trust....

one last advise...how do I delete my post from this site..I don't need this!

Thank you,

This was a mistake to get on a site with a bunch of miserable closed minded man hating witches!! wowwww...I hate to hear what your men did to you. See this is what happen when you trust,trust,trust....don't belittle me cause it's coming to bite you in the you know where!!

to answer your question..he makes a very, very good living..

Hey it worked for Tiger Woods...you don't see little miss nanny running any where! Trust me, I probably get more benefits from my bf than you'll ever get from you HUSBAND!

YOU BASH ME AND YOU'RE GONNA GET IT RIGHT BACK!

This was a mistake to get on a site with a bunch of miserable closed minded man hating witches!! wowwww...I hate to hear what your men did to you. See this is what happen when you trust,trust,trust....don't belittle me cause it's coming to bite you in the you know where!!

You're right, I think I missed that.

Wow, markos, I think you just got neutered.

Rats, I was hoping to do that.

You were hoping to neuter markos???

Hi Gack, I am more of a realist. I don't believe that you can go a lifetime with one person without someone messing up somewhere along the way.

This was a mistake to get on a site with a bunch of miserable closed minded man hating witches!! wowwww...I hate to hear what your men did to you.

Well heck, I'll bite.

When did/do you plan on getting married to this man?

Is your boyfriend willing to go "No contact for LIFE" with this other woman?

Even if you where married you have almost no chance for a recovery without LIFETIME no contact.



And I assure you, I am no Lady!

Gack, you were neutered tooo....Im sorry....

This was a mistake to get on a site with a bunch of miserable closed minded man hating witches!! wowwww...I hate to hear what your men did to you. See this is what happen when you trust,trust,trust....don't belittle me cause it's coming to bite you in the you know where!!

to answer your question..he makes a very, very good living..

Hey it worked for Tiger Woods...you don't see little miss nanny running any where! Trust me, I probably get more benefits from my bf than you'll ever get from you HUSBAND!

YOU BASH ME AND YOU'RE GONNA GET IT RIGHT BACK!

We got together only 8 years ago when we were both free! No, we did not sin.

You were hoping to neuter markos???

Keep your 'special' 'unique' unconditional love relationship.

You know, the interesting thing about a unique relationship is that it can't possibly have been studied thousands of times and have books written about it to tell you what does and doesn't work.

****edit*****

you will get yours too for laughing......watch and remember me!

you will get yours too for laughing......watch and remember me!

Your local friendly misogynist here.

All I can say is wow, now I remember why I hate women.

edit

scared are we??? The man upstairs is watching you. Thats not a violation.

WTH?

This is all a relief to read, actually. Until now, I thought I had problems.

Hey, it's my 100th post!

HELP? You call this help...laughing and teasing and joking about someone's life! I am not stuck in a situation. I just came on the site to see if anyone else went through same and can shed some light on how things turned out and if this story is not cmparable to anyones life then I really see how someone can comment at all unless they walked in my shoes!! THAT'S ALL..I'm done here! I'm just going through these last few posts and trying to delete all my previous ones because theres a lot of bad vibes and karma here!!

THANK YOU AGAIN..WHEWWW!

HELP? You call this help..

I'm smarter than you and your mother! Since you like to joke. take that...lolollol!

I believe I was commenting at marital bliss when I made the comment about man hating whitches..I don't believe I bashed you marko!

But I do want to add how unfortunate it is to get on a site with people who are suppose to be supportive to someone who is going through real life issues and all you get is a lot of laughter and jokes!

God bless all of you...you are going to need it! don't think because your marriages are going fine now that tomorrow things won't come crashing down on your heads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I won't laugh..

I'm smarter than you and your mother!

Jamela, tried to read your posts and you have "edited" yourself out.

If this is the way you deal with issues then I am not surprised by the tone of this.

They threw bricks at me when I came on this board. It made me upset and mad but I did not take my toys and run home.

Don't be a conflict avoider.

don't think because your marriages are going fine now that tomorrow things won't come crashing down on your heads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I won't laugh..

HELP? You call this help...laughing and teasing and joking about someone's life! I am not stuck in a situation. I just came on the site to see if anyone else went through same and can shed some light on how things turned out

I believe there's a description for this kind of thread.

This is all a relief to read, actually. Until now, I thought I had problems.

Hey, it's my 100th post!

This is all a relief to read, actually. Until now, I thought I had problems.

Hey, it's my 100th post!