My wife has admited to kissing two of my friends and another wife. SHe tells me that there was no feelings of love, but that she has these feeling of wondering what it is like with other people. I have forced her to cut off contact with these other people, and she resents me for that. What else can I do? I feel like we are headed down the path to serperation or divorce and that is not what I want. We have been going to cousling since april and at times it seems to get better but then it is like we take 5 steps back. PLEASE HELP!

Sorry you are here...my first recommendation is to read EVERYTHING on this thread!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? I am 39 and she is 37

Do you have any children? How old are they? 11yr girl and 7yr boy

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? 13 years and yes for her no for me

How did your WS meet their AP? We all live with in two houses of each other and have been close friends

How long did the A last? 1 time that I know of, but she has been thinking about it for over a year

How did you find out about the A? she told me

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? I have ordered it but not read it yet.

Ok the things you need to start doing is...

Snoop!! Check her emails, phone records, FB, etc...in the mean time do not confront her with the things you found. (also print everything you find and keep it hidden.

Read everything on this site!! ask a lot of questions!

Expose the (all) of the affiars to everyone!! Kids, family, friends, OM friends/family etc. If you want to know why to expose read this....

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

Then start working on your plan A read carrot and the stick to plan A, if nothing changes for 6 months follow your plan A to a plan B.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&page=1

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2276398#Post2276398

Sorry you are here, the vets will be on shortly to give you more advise, in the mean time read EVERYTHING!!

I have all passwords and have printed all of the emails. The cell is in my name and I have access to all of those records as well. My main concern is there was contact by WW to OM and I confronted her of that back in april. Since then there has be NC. My concern comes from her statements that WW can not say with out a doubt it will not happen again.

cpen, if she is not willing to be faithful then what is she doing with you? If she won't commit to affair proofing your marriage by changing her behavior and working to recover the marriage, then Plan B is warranted. If she is headed to another affair, you obviously don't want to sign on for that, do you?

An affair is the cruelest thing one can do to a spouse and she is telling you that she might or might not be cruel to you. That is unacceptable. I would demand that she agree to end all contact with the OM [and keep it that way] or let her know this will go to divorce.

I don't think she believes you will do anything to stop her.


Have you exposed her affair? If not, you might try that to see if it wakes her up.

I have exposed it to family and a few close friends, but not the kids. As she suffers from panic attacks right now. Her family just keeps telling me to stick through it [censored] she is not thinking clearly. I am thinking about getting a lawyer a file for legal serpation and cut off the cake and see what happens. She has not worked since nov and I have worked like HE!! to make ends meet. One of the reason she told me that this happened is I work to much. I have been following the rules and making big LB deposits. But she told me it seems fake and that I am going over the top.

cpen, I would start first by telling the kids. They have probably seen something that confuses them and telling them would give you a chance to clear that confusion. If you don't tell them the truth, she will tell them lies.

Then I would sit her down and have a CHAT. Tell her that you want to recover your marriage and have a happy, romantic marriage. You are willing to stay and try to make this good ON CERTAIN CONDITIONS. If she can't agree to this, then it is time to consider divorce. Tell her, this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage:

1. your assurance that you will do what it takes to ensure there is another affair [affair proofing measures like no opposite sex friendships, no leisure time away from each other, no nights apart, all apart time fully accounted for]

2. complete honesty about your affair - all questions answered to my satisfaction

3. participation in a marriage recovery program

Give her an opportunity to meet your conditions. If she won't meet them, then let her know the next step is divorce/separation.

Your tone of voice indicates that you are a little frantic right now. It would help you to calm a bit down, take a few deep breaths, and think things through. Nothing I have seen you say is bad, but I do not want you to act on a knee jerk reaction that might further damage your marriage.

Follow Melody's advice, make solid plans for yourself to build an affair proof marriage with your wife. You can not force her to build an affair proof marriage, but you can take steps to gaurd yourself from having her actions effect you. Change yourself into the best husband ever, and gaurd yourself against her actions. All of this will take months of time, do not expect an overnight change for either of you.

I would talk to your kids and tell them exactly what is going on, when you don't tell your kids this to "protect" them you are only teaching them to hide and lie, is that what you want? I hope not

Keep reading, you are still new to this site, there are a lot of information and people who will help.

We do go to a weekly session and are working on things. This has been going on since april 2010. I thought things were getting better, but then it seems like we take 5 steps backwards. I have laid down the rule on NC with them and she throws it back on me that I will not allow her to have teh friends she wants. I have told her to make a choice me or them. I come from a broken first marriage that ended from this with a WW, and I do not wish it again. I am making big LB deposits, stopped working so much, random love notes around the house, we went on a week away with the family and I woke up in the middle of the night and hide a love note in every pocket of each piece of clothing that she packed for the week. I am then told that I am trying to hard.

I think you are, too, if it seems out of character to your WW for you to get up in the middle of the night and hide notes all over the place. Waywards detect desperation in acts like that - and they don't admire acts of desperation.

I also think you are sending conflicting messages. First of all, if you don't want to separate, don't file to separate. Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

If you have told WW that she can no longer have these friends, and she tells you that she's going to anyway, fine. Then tell her she's made her decision and she'll have to leave.

Pack her bags for her. Show her the door. Cut off all finances from her. She doesn't have the right to use your hard-earned money to blow on her A and lifestyle.

You do this in a calm way, cpen. Explain to her that she has the right to choose her friends, and you have the right to defend your M. Let her know that you are there, waiting for her to come back to the M 100% committed. Then start working on your Plan A.

But don't make threats you don't intend to keep.

MC is impossible for a Wayward to grasp. They are so full of lies. If they can lie to you then they can lie to a counselor, and the neighbor and their parents, and the kids, and .....

They do not want to save their marriage at the moment because they are in a foggy land of fog. It is now up to you to make your plans to do your best to save your marriage. I like the little reminder notes letting her know that you still care, but dont go overboard, and stick to LB$ deposits. If she likes admiration tell her I admire you for ________. If she likes conversation sit with her and ask how are you feeling, and then repeat everything she says to you in your own words.

Read about Plan A the carrot and the stick.