My wife and I have been married for 11yrs. We had a big blow out about 5yrs ago. I had found a love letter that she had written to OM. I asked about the letter, and the lies began.
I really never got over that.
Now to present day, we are fighting over her meeting others EN mor then she gives me.
She has been emailing her friends husband, they live next door, and texting every day. there has been hundred or more in one day.
Now thats not all to the story. Our 2nd next door neighor is seperated from his wife.
My wife has been texting him every day with hundreds of texts.
I found all this out when I seen our cell phone bill.

So she has been texting TWO neighbors hundreds of texts each day?

Yep, deinitely an EA and more probable a PA.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Read everything you can here. Start with Scotland's thread about information for newly betrayed spouses. In addition, there are many people on this site who have been through what is happening to you now.

AM

My wife has told me that neighbor2 has been having an affair with neighbor 1 wife. Sounds like a soap right.
I have told her that I was hurt that she would spend that much time with both nieghbors, and cause our marraige slide. She is not willing to put that much effort into our marraige, but she can be that supportive with nieghbor 1 and 2.

I smelled a rat when she first told me the story of the nieghbors affair.
Thing just dont add up. Nieghbor 2 is sleeping with nieghbor 1 wife because nieghbor 1 is out to sea. Nieghbor 1 has an idea that the affair has happend. But now that nieghbor 1 is back home, all three of them and my wife are over there party like nothing happend. And all I get is anger from my wife? Im lost.

I missed something here. She is emailing and texting TWO different male neighbors hundreds of times a day? She was secretive about this until you discovered the phone bill? At a minimum, she is having very personal conversations with men who are not her husband. I still think there is much more going on with at least one of them, if not both.

AM

My take:

At BEST it is an inappropriate emotional relationship. At worst - it is a full blown, sordid, sexual affair. My money is on the latter.

I'm sorry you're here, I'm sorry this is the case.

I'm glad you're here because this place can give you the best plan for overcoming this, however I will warn you - the plans are frightening and counterintuitive.

Your first step:
Essential Reading
Snoop
Begin plan A
Get ready for Exposure.

Hang in there.

((Lost))

I understand that everyone needs friends, and I have told my wife, that she just needs to steep back and be just friends/ nieghbors to them, but she feels that I am trying to control her. I have female friends, that I talk to from time to time, but I never have gone over that line. I dont get too involved, because i respect the feelings of my female friends boyfriend/husband. And that is why my contact with them is min.

armymama, as a matter of fact, from may15th to june15,there has been 4800 text on my wifes phone, and 90% of them are from the two male nieghbors.
I am sorry for rambling on, I know this is a difficult story to follow. I just feel hopeless.

Wow - no wonder the marriage is sliding - she is spending every waking moment texting - How old is she? This is teenager behaviour

You talked about neighbor no 1 being out to sea? Are you military? Living in housing? I have seen/heard of swingers in military environment getting together during military deployments. You mentioned that there is alot of partying. Do you suspect something more like group sex parties? Sorry, if this line of thought is off base and offensive to you. It seems very strange to me that she would be texting two guys nearly 5000 times in one month.

AM

Lost,

I have been through the agony of an EA that turned out to be a PA many years ago and this place helped me in ways you can't imagine. I came back here recently because of a bump in the road of my current marriage. From personal experience I know how devastating EA's can be but this place can be a godsend to you.

Your posts are disconnected and confusing. That's not a criticism, I was exactly the same way and the situation itself can make the best of us ramble on, but I'd like to make a suggestion. Sit down and write out your story offline. I found it helpful to do it in the third person. My story started "This is Bill's Story. He is a 37 year old man........" maybe that can work for you.

In any case, please try to write it out even if it takes a lot of time and then copy and paste it here. You will be amazed at the help and support you will receive but the people on here need information.

armymama, neighbor 1 is the only one in the military. He and his wife have 2 kids. I use to hang out over there for cook outs and play cards. I stopped going over there because of the offensive topics they would talk about around the children. I know them somewhat, but anything is possible.
The first night that neighbor 1 was out to sea, n1 wife asked use over. She was very drunk, and we were playing the Wii. n1 wife, was all over me when it was my wifes turn on the Wii. And she did the same to n2 when I was on the Wii. After that night, I had told my wife that I felt uneasy about that, and she didnt think anything of it. I knew then that I needed to stay away.

sorry u are here...I would confront the two neighbors and ask them to stop texting your wife and that is not right to text a married woman that often. or AT ALL!

SapphireReturns, I had told my wife that I would do that, and she got angree at me and said that I was trying to controll her and make it to where she had do friends. I had hoped that she would see the pain she has caused me, and stop on her own.

DefCon, You are so right. I will try tomorrow to make a full detailed log of events. I will be very long.
Thanks to everyone for your help.

The reason why she got angry is because she knows that you will kill the fantasy, I would do it ANYWAY! What is stopping you?

Well I didnt sit down and write the whole story line out. I have just sat back and watched everything. To make a long story short, I know now that she is having an emotional affair. We are in counseling. We have made 3 visits so far, but the counselor is not saying anything about the EA. She has started us on meeting each others emotional needs. How can that happen if my wife is still texting and talking to the other guy more than me? The other guy is the one that goes on duty out to sea from time to time. He is now home with his wife, and my wife is over at their house all the time. My wife is friends with his wife, but comunicates with the husband 100 time more.
My wife does not want to understand what an Emotional affair is. She just thinks that I am too controlling.

Well on the good side, my wife is willing to go to counseling, and she tells me that she wants things to work out. I have been on anti-depressants for two weeks now and I am feeling alot better about myself. I am begining to question why I didnt leave her 5 years ago when she had a real affair. I am feeling more and more like I want someone that is more deserving of my love.
But for now, I am doing everything that the counselor has asked, and more.

What exactly is the counselor asking you to do? DId this counselor ask your wife to stop her emotional affair and focus on you and your marriage? Is your wife doing anything to meet your needs? Recovery cannot happen until the affair ends. And make no mistake- an emotional affair is just as devastating to your marriage as a physical one.

Have you read up on exposure? That is your biggest weapon to fight this EA.

The first step is to end the affair. This means no contact forever between your WW and the OM. Since he is next door neighbor, this means moving.

If you have not done so already, read through the thread for newbies, especially the carrot and stick of plan A.

Good luck to you.

AM

No, the counselor has not told my wife that the emotional affair needs to stop. As a matter of fact, When I was telling the counselor about the 4800 texts, she stated that what would be a normal conversation could end up being 10 different text.

I have made a statement to the OM's wife how I felt that there was too much going on between my wife and her husband, and she just thinks Im crazy. And told me to stay out of her marriage.

armymama, I wish it was that easy to move, but the emotional affair would not stop. My wife has to be told by someone other than me, that what see is doing is an emotional affair. And yes an EA is very devastating. It has ripped my heart out, and I feel dead inside. My wife is not meeting my EN, other than a kiss and "I love you" as I go out the door to work. I am still trying to do the affectionate things as if the marriage was still good.

Good Lord, get rid of that 'counselor'. She's a quack.

Well, I had heard good things about this counselor, and that she is faith based. I think for now I will keep going to her.
I had a calm talk last night with my wife about Emotional Affairs and that she is killing any love that I am trying to build. My wife doesnt think that there is such a thing as Emotional Affairs. She will not see that she is meeting the OM's emotional needs, and not mine.
Sometimes I wonder if its just me? But the few text that I have seen were beyond the marriage boundries. She has text him "Good nite sexy". And she has also stated in one email that she wished she could have met someone like him. I just wish my wife could see and understand the hurt and pain she is doing to me. She feels that it is nothing.

Oh yea, one other thing. The OM is not being honest to his wife about the emails and text to my wife. I have tried to talk to her, and she just wants me to stay out of her marriage! Everyone is saying that it is just me being crazy.

emotional affairs are WORSE then Physical affairs, because when you are in an emotional affair you fall IN LOVE with the OM, where if it was a physical affair then it solely lives threw just sex!

Trust me when I say that EA are more destructive then a PA, I had two EA'S and I fell in love with both of the men. It is very hurtful and painful when you find out that your spouse loves another person.

She needs to know this.

I think the best way to let your wife know this is by standing firmly that there can't be a third person in the marriage, and by telling someone outside of the marriage they are sexy is wrong and violates your marital vows.

Let her know that her texting hurts you. I really don't expect her to understand, nor will it sink in. At least you draw the line in the sand.

You can't make her change her mind, but you can let her know your stance in your marriage, and what a marriage is. Then Plan A her. Its all part of the carrot and the stick. A Jack A$$ does not always move no matter how much carrots you present and how hard you hit it with a stick.

Thank you to everyone, I need that advise. Where can I find this plan A that I hear everyone talking about?

Lost, both the affair she had 5 years ago and the affair(s) she is having now are all REAL affairs.

It is not you, it is your wife. The fact that she thinks sending these inappropriate text are nothing sends up a

4800/30 days is 160 a day.

Well I have Bad news and good news.
I have told my wife my feeling about the EA, and I put my foot down and told her that it needs to stop. Told her that I will go and talk to the OM and tell him that it needs to stop. And of course, she was very angry and stated that if I did that, she would pack my things and it would be over between us.

But I have seen her meeting some of my emotional needs. We still sleep in the same bed, and now for the past two nights, she has came to my side of the bed and fell asleep in my arms.
This is good, but the lack of understanding of the EA seems to kill the good.

Hi Lostat,
I agree with everyone on here that you really need a plan. Waywards have a very good way of going back and forth. And usually when you find out stuff, they just go deeper underground. I've been on the boards here for about 2 years now, but still consider myself a newbie. So hopefully you will get some advise from a veteran on a plan of action. The Plan A information is on the site, but I'm not sure exactly where. Read up on that and anything else you can get your hands on here. But for the most part, I think making a plan and sticking to it will be your best bet.

Good luck!

I made a mistake of talking to my wife about Plan A and Plan B.
Now we are fighting again. She is always right and Im always wrong. (her op)
Well I guess the best thing is to wait till we go to counseling next week and explain to the counselor in more detail about the emotional affair. Maybe she will get through to my wife!

Update: I have tried to plan A her, and all of her friends and family are on her side. I have been made out to be the fool. Our counseling has stopped. Last friday she did not go with me. I plan on still going. She has stated that we need to plan for seperation and move on.
We will have 6 months or more befor either one of us are able to move out. We are so behind on bills, that we cant afford to do anything right now. We have been civil towards each other, and both agree that being friends is the best way to go.
She is still talking to the OM all the time, and still wants to have some kind of physical(sex) contact with me. This has confused me, because all summer she had stopped the sex with me. And now as we plan on the seperation, she has stated that she would like it if we both could meet our physical needs with each other even after we seperate, untill the D.

BIG mistake!

I am sorry, is there a way to go to plan B with your wife? Can you live with your parents?

Do you have kids?

How long have you been in plan A?

you have not posted for a couple weeks and we do not know the whole situation.

If you have been in plan A what have you been doing to meet her needs?

Are you standing up for your marriage? Or are you letting her hold onto your balls?

Have you exposed this affair to OM's family, friends, and work? If not WHY??

It sounds like you have not done a good plan A, unless you give us more information.

I havent done a good job at plan A.

I have tried to expose the EA, and everyone thinks Im crazy.

We have 4 kids, two by us and two from her past.

In the past, yes she has had me by my balls. lol

There is nowhere for me to move out to.

I do feel good about staying here with her and making a good friendship. We havent had any fights since we talked about seperation.

The reason why I say, she has me by the balls, is her family, and friends and OM wife, doesnt understand an EA. They feel that she has done nothing wrong. I do not know if this has lead to a PA, but I dont thing so. It most likely will in the near future.

I know that a divorce will be the best thing. She has had 2 PAs in the past, and now this. I will not be able to rebuild trust and without trust, we have nothing.

I have stood my ground and told her that if the EA didnt stop completely, that we needed to seperate. She does want me to stay, but will not change her habbits.

I could leave and move in with my brother, but then she will get everything, because I was the one to leave. And we have kids, and I am not going to just leave them and have no contact. They are my life, and I will do anything to keep them in my life.

File for a divorce, she wont change, find someone that will respect you and treat you like a man.

Sorry.

Don't leave, just file for a divorce, get things settled with some lawyers and get her out of your life. Can you sue the OM for AOA? Look at the laws you have in your state.

What is AOA? I know that in the state I live in, there is no law that will punish the cheating spouse. So if I leave the house with out the kids, I will be the one doing wrong and the courts will come after me for everything. Even if wee seperate and agree to have the kids jointly, where she doesnt pay me any support, and I dont pay her, the couts will overrule that and make me pay for her housing, and child support. Dont get me wrong, I will do everything to support my kids. But no matter what happens, I am the one to lose.

AOA = "Alienation of Affection" --the common legal term for statutes that allow civil judgements against interlopers in a marriage.

Due to difficulty of proving causality in courts (where defendants & their attorneys could muddy the waters), and due to "evolution" of social/cultural norms, these statutes have been repealed in many U.S. states where they once existed. I believe the only states where they remain on the books are Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah.

I live in Virginia. And here, the man is always the one to loose.

Not so. We have had fathers from Virginia that filed on grounds of adultery and got the house and primary custody of their children. Many men do lose, however, when they BELIEVE that "men always lose" and don't try to win. You will lose if you do nothing.

Agree with Mel.

Mortarman springs to mind. He kicked his WW 6 ways to Sunday in court and beat her at every turn. He has now reconciled with his FWW and they recently had another baby. Men do not always lose - I actually think in Virginia it's favourable to the man especially where adultery is involved. You can also prevent your WW from exposing the children to the POSOM.

Lat41

Do not move out.

Righteousness MUST be upheld in your situation wherever possible.
That means YOU stay in the house because YOU are not having an affair.

Defend RIGHT. Be a Knight not a slave. You have to be objectived and strong.

Absorb this position " I want my WW but I do not need my WW". That position is a great one from whence to run a Plan A campaign.

be all you can be, improve your husbandry and gain confidence in yourself. Do not judge yourself only the the reflection in your WWs eyes.

Plan A while staying in my house and with my kids is the noblest thing I ever did. I would have the same for you.

Bob Pure,
You are so right. I have done nothing wrong. I am a faithfull husband and father.
What I want is for everything to be jointly. I dont want to take the kids away form thier mother. But at the same time, I dont want her to take them away from me. We rent a home, so that makes it alittle easier.
my WW and I have been talking things over, but she is talking about her having primary custody.

I have spoken to a lawer 5 years ago, and the lawer told me that my wife would get primary custody unless I could prove her an unfit mother. And the only way to do that is if she was a drug user. That is why I didnt divorce her then.

Then that�s a crappy lawyer.

You can get 50/50 and you can file on grounds of adultery in VA. If you�re in VA, then gather your evidence and file on these grounds.

Seriously, you have a very fatalistic sense of the legal stuff in terms of dads. You can get primary custody as a man. It takes preparation, willpower, research, and patience. You can certainly do it if you�re prepared.

Will you get sole physical and legal? No. Neither will she. But you ask for it anyways.

But multiple affairs by this woman? Why do you put up with it? Why do you feel you can�t do better than that?

Don�t tolerate this behavior.

File for primary custody, CS, and alimony on the grounds of adultery.

So the best thing I can do now is to throw out what I know or think I now about Virginia laws, and start all over with a different lawer.

The positive outlook starts today!
So what are the steps I need to take for filing for primary custody? Do I just go down to the courthouse?

Thanks to everyone for your help!

I just found out that my WW has installed a keylogger on my computer. I guess she thinks that I too am having an affair. Or maybe she is worried that I am going to go underground with contacting a lawer. What every the reason, I will be trashing this hard drive and installing a new one. And then put a bios password.

Or you could try something like this: http://www.guardedid.com/default.aspx. That's one of a few utilities that I recently heard about that tackle this particular type of problem. I haven't tried one yet though, so I can't vouch for any of them.

What you need is a lawyer. Trust the lawyer, but taking the offensive is huge in custody fights for men.

Ask for everything: Sole physical and legal custody with a listing of her great ills.

You won't get it, but there's massive shock value in filing and putting her on the defensive.