H is in love with the OW? They are no longer seeing each other (she went back to her H). My H says he doesnt love me but does love her.
He says he wants to "try" to put our marriage back together but I cant get over the fact that #1 he doesnt love me and #2 he's in love with someone else.
We've been married 20 years, 1 child. The affair went on for 3 months.
As much as I do want our marriage to work, it seem insurmountable because of the lies, betrayal...he wont have sex with me, etc. I want to just give up, but also would like to save my marriage.
Do you think there's hope?
eta: we've been separated for 3 months. We went out on a date on Saturday, to a movie, dinner and drinks after. He was very distant and frankly, not very nice for most of the date. He dropped me off with a hug.
Yes, there is hope.
IF you follow the MB plan of action.
There are no guarantees but there is real hope.
If you don't follow the MB plan then I would say hope is minimal.
Step 1: Expose the affair to EVERYONE including and especially the OW's husband.
Yes, there is hope!
Do you have ways to verify that there is absolutely no contact? Does the OW work with your H? If so, one of them will have to quit the job. As long as he sees her everyday, he will retain his "in-love" feelings for her.
Has the affair been exposed to her husband, the workplace, your families, and any friends who be a positive influence for your marriage?
Read everything on this site, and get the books, "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Dr. Willard Harley.
You will need to be in Plan A. Identify and meet as many of your husband's needs as you can...in the way that he needs them met. Eliminate lovebusters. There are questionaires on the site to help you identify both needs and lovebusters.
Make your home a warm and welcoming place to be. Always look your best, and have NO EXPECTATIONS. He may seemingly reject your good changes, but they will make an impression.
Calling the Harleys for counseling is also a good idea. They can help you and your WH with a plan to fall in love with each other again.
Other vets will be along to help you. Hang on!
Tiki,
My Husband's A was 3 months as well, and on D-DAY I received the standard (yes they all pretty much say it) "I love you, but am not in love with you"
We are now 4 months past D-day and in recovery.
Three things,
1st Follow Tully's advise and expose the A to everyone, including OWH.
2nd you said you are separated. You should move back in together if at all possible.
3rd WH and OW can never have ANY contact again. No FB, No Phone calls, No Texting, No Emails, and definitely NO Friendship.
You did not say who OW is. Is she a co-worker, high school sweetheart, gym cohort, ect? It will help to direct you with more specific advise.
Tiki, speaking as someone who was the wayward, it is possible, not easy but possible. Please listen to all the advice you get here and no matter how hopeless it seems just follow it. I was a long time lurker just come out of hiding but being on the other side I felt the same way your WH feels now. I didn't think I could possibly stop "loving" the OM and rediret those feelings to BS but I did and I realized what a mess I made. Your WH is still in the fog, try MB, it's helping my M and it can help yours as well.
He said he wont come home...he's not "ready".
Ok Tiki,
Tell us about the OW. Is she a neighbor, a co-worker, a gym cohort.
Do you have ways to verify that there is absolutely no contact? Does the OW work with your H? If so, one of them will have to quit the job. As long as he sees her everyday, he will retain his "in-love" feelings for her.
Unfortunately, yes they work together. There is no possibility for either of them to quit. My H has been with this very large company for over 20 years. If the A is exposed to anyone...especially work my H will loose his job, his retirement, pension, health insurance...which means I will loose that as well.
As far as anymore phone contact, while I cant prove it, he told me last night that there is absolutely no contact other than work related, that she wants nothing to do with him.
Again, exposing the A just isnt an option
Ok Tiki,
Tell us about the OW. Is she a neighbor, a co-worker, a gym cohort.
Unfortunately, she's a co-worker and former "friend" of mine.
Tiki,I am so sorry you are here! I am new to MB & love this site & the advice from everyone!
My WH also thought he fell "in love" with the OW that he had a 3 month A with. When he told me he insisted on leaving, I begged him to stay, he said he had to leave. He left to go be with the OW. He stayed away for a week...lying about being alone...when he came home a week later he confessed that he was with the OW in hotels & her apt the whole time while he was supposed to be at a place my parents provided for him to stay & get his spirit straight.
I fell for the "I have to leave, if I don't leave then I might not come back" line he fed me. He has been home since 6/7/10 & at first he also was cruel, distant, sad, etc. He was in withdrawals of the A & missing the OW. I am no expert yet your story sounds a bit like mine.
We are not yet in recovery, although I am doing Plan A & it is seeming to work. We have some very good days & some bad days. He is still talking fogbabble as I am finding out from those who know. And he is still in a wayward mindset. This is hard yet if you love your WH then it's worth the fight!
Listen to the advice as it's great! There is always hope!
Exposing is the BEST weapon you have here.
If she is a co-worker, he sees her everyday. You WILL NOT be able to recover your M and regain your H love until he has NO CONTACT with OW.
May he lose his job, Yes. Will he be angry, Yes. However this is the reality of the situation HE chose. He knew when he got involved with her that he could lose his job, he still chose that. Why are you going to protect the A and the OW by refusing to expose.
It is easier to find another job, than to go through a D.
Why are you going to protect the A and the OW by refusing to expose.
Because without his job, my son and I will be without any income and health insurance.
We live in a city with the highest unemployment rate in the Country. He's been with the company for 20 years and has built his way up to a very good salary, there's no way he could find another job that would sustain. Trust me, I wish I could expose it, I've threatened to expose it, I dream about it, but my son and I would be literally be homeless.
Well, then. Better a broken family than homeless I guess. Because there is NO way for your marriage to recover as long as he works there.
None.
That I know of not ONE case where the affair partners worked together ended well for the marriage.
You cannot fight this if you're not willing to do what it takes to end it, and that include your husband leaving his job.
It really is that black and white.
Might as well file for divorce today. Because this marriage cannot be saved.
Sorry.
Tiki, if you have a few hours or days, read my thread.
My XH (notice it says X) worked with OW and worked for him. I also work here. Like you I did not want his career blown away, losing his job, being embarrassed and everything that goes with it.
It took me more than 6 months to turn them in. By that point, XH had moved out, had more time for the affair to flourish and here I am 2 years later, divorced, alone with my DD who has not seen her father for 14 months and trying to pick up the pieces. XH and OW are getting married in October. Both continue to work there because of a poor investigation.
My regret is that I did not blow the affair out of the water and expose it during the first month when I found out. If my X lost his job, so be it if it broke up the affair.
Rather still have my M than my nice house.
Listen to these vets. I know it sounds "unreasonable" but once you start to go through the divorce process you will no longer recognize your H. He will turn on you and blame.
Tiki,
You said she went back to her husband, does he know? You can expose outside of the work place. If the husband does not know, you owe it to him to tell him what he is married to. Then maybe HE will make HER quit.
Your WH is going through a very difficult (for him) withdrawal.
Then he sees her at work, which is another fix, which extends the withdrawal.
It also sounds like he is pouty and distant. But she dumped him correct? And now wants nothing to do with him?
One more thing about waywards...THEY LIE!!
Stay Strong,
kirk
OK, so how do I go about exposing the A? Do I call his boss, meet with his boss?
One thing that is for SURE...once I expose him to his boss he will be fired on the spot and not only will he hate me, but there is ZERO chance at that point that he'd still be wanting to work on the marriage.
As far as waywards lying...so true!
Tiki,
Does the husband of the OW know about the A?
Is that why the OW went back to her H?
kirk
Tiki,
You said she went back to her husband, does he know?
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kirk
They're actually ex H & W. She's moving back in for a few reasons, one of which is that her ex wants her back. I would love to contact him, but have no clue how to go about doing that. I dont even know what his last name is and there is no-way, no-how H will tell me. I guess I need to figure out how to get ahold of him.
One thing that is for SURE...once I expose him to his boss he will be fired on the spot and not only will he hate me, but there is ZERO chance at that point that he'd still be wanting to work on the marriage.
tiki, if you read some threads here you will see that ALL waywards go ballistic and make horrible threats when first exposed - but as Dr. Harley says, exposure is the first step towards recovery.
You've got to understand: Your marriage CAN survive his temporary anger at having his affair exposed. It CANNOT survive his dating and *bleeping* another woman.
It's just as simple as that.
Dr. Harley says, exposure is the first step towards recovery.
[/quote]
I remember reading Dr. Harley's thoughts about exposure, didnt he say something that there are some exceptions to exposing at the work place? I have no problem or issue exposing elsewhere....friends, family, etc., but like I said, without his income, I'm out on the streets
Again, exposing the A just isnt an option
If this is true, then I change my original answer. No, there is no hope.
Except that I don't believe it is true. He's pulling out all the stops to prevent you from exposing and you are falling for it.
Why would be be fired? Is he completely rubbish at his job and they are looking for any excuse to fire him?
[quote]
Why would be be fired? Is he completely rubbish at his job and they are looking for any excuse to fire him?
No, he's management and she's his subordinate. It's written in the Management Guidelines and Regulations that any relationship outside of work with a subordinate is grounds for immediate termination (I read the handbook myself).
tiki - my XWH was also management in a very large U.S. Corporation, and he was/is constantly getting involved with his subordinates and direct reports.
Sure, the official line is that this stuff is NEVER tolerated (!) but please take a look at the link below:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160078&Number=2367392#Post2367392I agree with Tully that he's trying to frighten you into backing off from exposing his affair, and it's working.
TL, would you be able to raise your son on the CS that your WH would have to pay you when you D? THAT is where your marriage would be headed with continued contact and no exposure. I will make myself perfectly clear. THE AFFAIR CONTINUES AS LONG AS THEY ARE WORKING TOGETHER. One of them would need to quit for you to have a chance at recovering your marriage.
I know you are afraid. MANY BSs are afraid to expose and unsure what to do. I can tell you that I have not seen ONE case where a BS regretted exposing. I have seen MANY who regret not doing it, or doing it too late. Which one sounds better to you?
As far as how you would go about it, have you read this thread yet?
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240 There are exposure links and templates fro writing your exposure letters.
You say OW was a friend of yours. Does she have a FB account? If so, you should copy all of the names and be prepared to expose to them as well. Exposure needs to be done all at once to gain its maximum effect and to allow your WH to get over it. He will be angry at first and he WILL say some nasty things to you. It will blow over.
BTW, you can GUARANTEE that other KNOW about this affair and it will see the light of day at some point. Your WH will most likely lose his job anyways. Then what? You will have no marriage AND no income? Take the step. I know it is a hard one. You can do it.
They won't fire him. He's calling your bluff. Don't fall for it. My WH said the same thing. He was her Phd supervisor, 18 years older! This is totally against any educational deontology. He didn't get fired, not even reprimanded.
But it's your call. Maybe your marriage doesn't mean that much to you. Expose or go straight to divorce.
Tiki, we are a fortune 500 company with very clear ethics guidelines. My XH was supervisor to the OW.
I reported it finally. XH got demoted and OW is still there.
In retrospect I wish I had exposed the first month and both of them get fired. Good chance we would be together today.
If the A continues there is no M. CS will not carry you through. Your H can find another job but you won't have a M with him. What is more important.
It sounds crazy but it is important. Absolutely
Hi Tiki, I am sorry that you are here. Is OW married?
Tiki,
We know how hard it is for you right now. You have just discovered that the man you trusted with your whole life has betrayed you horribly and probably what you want more than anything else is to to curl up and die from the pain. And rather than giving you sympathy and kindness, we are being pushy and critical. But it's not that we don't care. Honestly, we do. We've been there.
It's just that we know that for your long-term well-being you need to act now, no matter how hard that is for you.
It's OK to disagree with us and ask questions about issues that seem counter-intuitive to you but please know that this is a system that works and that is based on a solid understanding of the anatomy of an affair. (Your husband is behaving in a classic way.)
I'm afraid that work is the first place you need to expose because that's where the A happened and is continuing. Your M cannot survive the continuation of the A.
Hugs to you in this difficult time.
Tiki, welcome to MB.
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, but this is the best place to fight for your M, if you choose to do that.
Please listen to what Hope is saying. Affairs thrive on secrecy. If you blow there world apart it shines the light of ICKINESS on them.
Your H can get another job, even after 20 years. Mine just walked away from his DURING the A because it would make him HAPPY. This was the catalyst that eventually brought my H down before G-d and broke him.
You don't know what's happening on the other side where G-d is working in your life. Your M can withstand your H's anger, but NOT the A and if you don't expose they you become part of the secret and are enabling the affair. Do you want to do that?
Because without his job, my son and I will be without any income and health insurance.
We live in a city with the highest unemployment rate in the Country. He's been with the company for 20 years and has built his way up to a very good salary, there's no way he could find another job that would sustain. Trust me, I wish I could expose it, I've threatened to expose it, I dream about it, but my son and I would be literally be homeless.
Can't you get a job, move to another city. I believe that you have to be WILLING to do ANYTHING that it takes to fight for your M.
I lost my house, I lost my H for OVER 2 years. I worked the plans, I exposed the A everywhere. I knew that in the end, if my M didn't make it, it wasn't because I hadn't fought for it with everything I had. Not to mention it shows your son, what marriage and commitment is all about.
Only you can decide to do what is needed. And there is LOTS you can do. Yes it's scary and yes you might lose alot, but in the end if you have a brand new recovering marriage, won't that be worth it?
OH, DON'T listen to your H. He isn't your husband anymore, he has been replaced by an alien monster who is out solely for himself. He is out to get his "fix" and will do anything to anyone that stands in his way. He can be dangerous, mean and downright a jerk.
Learn the Plans, buy Surviving An Affair and decide for yourself if you want to fight this fight.
Tiki,
What happens if you confront him with the reality of a divorce - financially to him?
The reality for HIM is this:
You expose the affair ANYWAY, because if he goes forward with a divorce, you will insist that the grounds be for infidelity. YOU FILE FIRST if you see it headed that way. Beat him to the punch, or if he goes there first, you can always raise the issue and call OW as a witness. So much for the threat on his side of "losing the job and the pension".
You actually have much more control and power in this situation than he is letting you believe.
You have to realize that his point of view is unrealistic. Others already know of the affair. Speak to him in terms of the real world, and tell him that the best place to be is the place he is loved, financially safe, and where he can begin anew - with you at home.
Tell him that there is a real place for him, and that he can fall in love with you again. His affair has not made things unrepairable, and that you and he can make changes that have been needed for a long time.
Then, start your changes - and let him see them.
But also make him really see the cost of his affair....read the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A, so you can understand what he needs to be seeing as his REALITY.
SB
Thank you guys for all your insight and input. I greatly appreciate it.
I'm still really struggling and having a hard time. I am *this* close to exposing the A, but I know that when I do my H will be gone forever...it will not bring him towards me, but he will most likely file for divorce.
I dont know why, but I've looked and looked to find the Plan A, Plan B, etc. on this site and cant seem to find them...am I blind? LOL!
Let me see if I can help you with that. Hold one....
but I know that when I do my H will be gone forever
Tiki, I had a mentor on here when I first got really serious about my Plan A. Her name was Mimi and she taught me so much. She had worked all the Plans, and recovered her marriage. One of the things she was most HARDEST on me about was that I assumed I knew how my H would react or feel.
For sure you know WH better than anyone, however this statement is simply not true. Did you not get married FOREVER. Yes, he will be mad. And while he's in the A he'll say stupid, thoughtless and things he means TODAY.
But I would ask you to realize that FOREVER is a long time and can change on a dime if you work the plans and let G-d have the results.
So... to find Plan A and B....
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
And there is more ....
Quote:
Plan A is NOT a decision you and your adulterous spouse make together !!!
Plan A is a tool for the betrayed spouse to implement in order to try and stop the affair ~and~ attract the adulterous spouse BACK to the marriage
do NOT discuss this tool with the adulterous spouse
Plan A is YOUR weapon against infidelity !!! The adulterous spouse is ~for~ infidelity, not against it .... be careful NOT to reveal your secret weapon of Plan A !!!
and more ....
Quote:
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
from the site:
Quote:
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty
I think it is impossible to completely stop ALL ~LB~ behaviors during the initial SHOCK of discovering your spouse is/was unfaithful
having said that
if the affair continues
once you start Plan A ... YOU must be in control of your emotional outbursts
ASK the board for HELP to do this
and some more ....
Quote:
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
time to take your OWN inventory
compile a list of things you historically contribute to the marriage that make the marriage work .... and do MORE of this
don't make announcements about what you are going to do ... just take action
DEMONSTRATE what an awesome spouse/contrubutor to the marriage YOU are
.... continuing Plan A ....
Quote:
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
re-visit the emotional needs questionairre on this site
if your spouse is ACTIVELY continuing their affair after discovery ... try to get the information about his/her emotional needs indirectly
take the questionairre answering ~as if~ you were your adulterous spouse
then take the top 3 needs and get a plan together to fill their most important needs ~when possible~
caution is required if your spouse scores high on sexual fulfillment as their emotional need ... if your spouse is sleeping with someone else YOU need to enforce the use of condom protection ... and even that is not foolproof protection you won't be exposed to a disease
GET TESTED for STDs every so often if you are having sex with a still cheating spouse
MOST people in an affair do NOT use protection <~~~ is's a fact you must face !
and ....
Quote:
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
By this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home
Often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."
You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.
You can word it something like this:
All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I understand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.
continuing ...
Quote:
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Exposure is your most effective tool to end the affair !
It is important to SNOOP ~before~ exposure.
There are ways to snoop in order to gather evidence. If you have questions about snooping tactics ... go to the general Questions infidelity forum and begin a thread titled something like: ~~~> I need to snoop. Teach me everything you know!
OK ... once you've snooped and you know there is an affair ... and your spouse refuses to end the affair relationship ... you will hear:
"It's only a friendship."
"You are too controling."
"I love you but I am not in love with you."
"You are too suspicious."
"You are crazy."
"Our marriage never worked."
"I've never been happy."
"Our marriage was a mistake from the start."
TIME for exposure.
WAT has a great exposure thread ... read it
Exposure is NOT to the 2 infidels ... they already know they are in an affair!
You expose to the other betrayed spouse first.
You expose to your family as well as your spouse's family (if appropriate)
You expose to work, or neighbors, or others .... ASK the board for help regarding who to expose to
HOW you expose is important
wording something like:
I am saddened to tell you my sweetie is having an affair. It's been going on for (length of time).He/she refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my sweetie, please do what you can to get him/her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
don't forget these words
swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
you NEVER tell your adulterous spouse you are going to expose
you just do it
more ....
Quote:
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Exposure makes the infidel furious
stay calm
breathe
no one can stay furious forever ... being furious is exhausting ... consumes a lot of energy ... let the furious infidel fume and exhaust his/her self
YOU stay cool
You will hear:
"That's it. We are never going to stay married after what YOU did."
"I am moving out now, thanks to you."
"You are getting OP in trouble at home."
"Now our kids will have a broken home thanks to you."
blah blah blah
You respond to all the raging comments: I am still holding out hope for our marriage.
You stay calm
You don't argue
You don't explain
You do not preach
You do not educate
~and~ you do NOT apologize for standing up for truth and marriage and keeping your family intact
YOU calmly re-state your belief that there is hope for the marriage ....
if things get out of hand ... excuse yourself and go for a walk or a drive ...
remember ... exposure makes the already foggy spouse act insane ... but it is temporary
.....
Quote:
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Plan A is often misunderstood as "acting nice"
excuse me acting "nice' in the face of an affair makes me want to puke
Plan A is taking control of one's self ...it is NOT "acting nice" ~as if~ there was no infidelity eating away at your family .... infidelity hurts like battery acid poured on your skin
am I right?
heII yes I am right
so you scared and panicky betrayed ~~~> SPEAK UP
tell the truth
"This affair hurts me. This affair is going to destroy our family. Let's get help."
If your spouse does something really thoughtless ... SPEAK UP.
"What you just said (did) hurts me terribly."
"I feel wounded by your affair."
"My heart aches for the love we used to share."
But be careful ... don't get needy or whiney or weepy ... those are love-busters
it's a fine line between telling the truth about what hurts ... and staying away from LB behaviors
ASK for help from the board
if you are unsure if what you are doing is correct... examine how much self control you have at any given moment ... and if you are feeling in control of yourself ... you are probably right on the money !
if you feel yourself losing control ... step away and re-group
>>>>>>
Quote:
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
You never were a perfect spouse. You never will be.
You are part of the equation of your marriage environment .. but you have no power to cause your spouse to choose an affair
The freshly wounded often look at themselves and blame themselves for their spouse's choice to go outside the marriage....
stop
Sure, this is an opportunity to take your own inventory ... but NEVER accept blame for your spouse's choice to have an affair
The issue of not meeting the emotional needs of the adulterous spouse ~before~ the affair began is NOT a reason to choose infdelity
not ever
You are responsible for your choices, not for the choices of your spouse
relax
breathe
~~~~~~
Quote:
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
If we experience no consequences when we mess up ... there is very little motivation for us to change our wrong behaviors that have become a habit
do the infidel a favor
do not stand inbetween them and their consequences
show respect for the infidel by allowing them to feel whatever their behaviors have earned them
be it
shame
embarrasment
fear
whatever they have earned
let it be
unpleasant consequences are what motivates changing habitual bad behaviors
let it roll
******
Quote:
A very very important part of Plan A !!!
That is some serious self-pampering .... which may include but is not limited to:
>manicures/pedicures
>dates with friends
>hire a sitter so YOU can have fun
>relaxing your usually busy schedule
>say "No, I can't do that now." when you are running out of energy
>pray and ask for spiritual and emotional support from someone wise in your circle of trust
>buy all new sheets
>paint the bedroom
>treat yourself to something sexy to wear
>try a new hairstyle
>get contact lenses or Kewl new glasses
>glam up
>buy concert/theater tickets
>exercise
Self pampering will keep your Taker happy for awhile which IMPROVES your Plan A
~~~~~~~
and finally, This is an old post of mine ... written in 2002... I was trying to put the "doormat of Plan A" issue to rest .... in my own mind. Now you can look at what I came up with, back then.
Quote:
Looking back ... I can see I worked myself through a very awkward "plan A" ....
although I never heard of plan A until years into recovery and I started poking around this site.
Looking back ... I can see my efforts to become differentiated ... although I did not read Schnarch's Passionate Marriage until years into recovery.
Plan A is very much complementary to Schnarch's ideas of differentiation.
Developing a positive identity within the context of a marriage struggling to overcome infidelity.
Developing a strong sense of self-worth that is valid both within and outside the boundaries of the marriage.
I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back" the heart and mind of the infidel ... although that might happen.
It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from the circumstances of the marriage relationship.
Plan A'ers are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter the marriage!
Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under the worst of circumstances".
Schnarch says: "We develop a contingent identity based on a 'self-in-relationship'. Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn't change so that our identity won't either."
Then ... comes the grenade of infidelity tossed into the marriage and the entire fusion of identities is blown apart!
The aftermath of the grenade then boils down to this question ....
WHO THE HECK AM I ... AND ... WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?
And, asking this question to the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ----> I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.
Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances.
Once I become more fully differentiated and have stable and accurate self-worth (after the grenade) ... I am then in the position to identify
healthy choices.
I can honestly say that I will be a sensational woman within this marriage... or after this marriage terminates.
I think I finally understand what I went through. I understand that I am the better woman for it. I understand my spouse is the better man for it.
That is a powerful message to myself.
The anxiety that floods the betrayed spouse is the perceived loss of identity .
Self worth and a differentiated identity is the harvest of plan A .
I think I get it now.
Best to all of you travelers on this journey! by Pepperband
Tiki,
It is likely that since this is a workplace affair, people at work already know there is something going on. They may talk about it quietly among themselves and management may not know, but people know or guess.
After I discovered my H's workplace A with a indirect subordinate, I asked him who knew about the A. He replied no one. But that was not so. There were at least two people who asked H and OW if something was going on. There were probably many more who thought something was happening, but did not speak up.
Bottom line: I doubt it will be a huge surprise to everyone if you expose the A in the workplace. It WILL cause the "light of day" to kill the excitement of the A. In my case, I exposed the A right away (same day) to OWH (he knew something was wrong, did not know what), MIL, two BILs, my family. The A was exposed a couple of weeks later at work when H could not avoid OW. H self reported the A to his boss after OW told her immediate boss. There were some financial ramifications, but we are still together and our M is improving every day.
AM