I scarcely know where to begin and this will definitely fall into the “tough love” category, so get ready. There are just so many very obvious depraved-relationship-busters here! No offense, but both you and your affair-husband (i.e. your current one, H#2 I assume) began this relationship irresponsibly, improperly, and dishonestly and both of you have learned NOTHING about decency, loyalty, standards, and personal boundaries. Predictably, your AH starting cheating on you and you then began a revenge-affair-dating-relationship (yes, Hubb, “dating” someone—even non-sexually—while you are married is inappropriate & EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY). Duhhhh!!!
Insert your favorite trite-but-true expression here about “Once a cheater, always a cheater” & “if someone cheats WITH you, they will later cheat ON you”.
Affair-marriages, no matter how “meant to be” and “soulmate-ish” they feel in the early stages, ALMOST ALWAYS END IN REPEAT ADULTERY & DIVORCE. The failure rate for such unions exceeds 90%
. The reasons why are obvious. Affair-marriages almost always take place in the heat of the illogical and unrealistic emotions surrounding a flight-of-fantasy-escape-adultery-relationship and an existing marriage(s) that are painfully betrayed, torn asunder, and hurriedly replaced in the process.Basically, affair-marriages are the worst of irrational teenage puppy-love + reality-avoidance rebounding COMBINED….with a great deal of guilt, resentment, selling-out, unresolved baggage, and shattered families added in to boot. Relationships that begin with and involve betrayal, deceit, dishonor, secrecy, and values-compromise, unsurprisingly almost never live up to the promises of marriage and almost never involve partners who would have mutually agreed to date each other under different (proper) circumstances in the first place
It is possible that your story about your original-husband (OH) is completely true in that he absolutely refused in full knowledge to meet your clearly-stated ENs at all
. If so, then you should have separated from him, divorced, and taken time (at least a full year) to be alone, grow, heal, and get yourself emotionally stable/secure BEFORE you even considered another romantic relationship. That is the only way to avoid the above adultery-fantasy or immediate post-divorce-rebound-fantasy scenarios. It’s also the right thing to do morally as well (which hopefully means something to you now).
It is also quite possible that your story about your OH is not exactly “fully accurate”…and I am very skeptical of your version. Since you did stray, you have every motivation to follow the standard wayward-fog script by re-writing history and vilifying your BH as justification for your (“don’t look at me—it’s all his fault!”) irresponsible adultery. Frankly, we have all heard that stuff a million times and I’m not convinced that you are being fully honest or introspective here. No one will claim that your OH was “mistake free” or “the perfect husband”, but I doubt many MB-vets here are going to buy your story at face-value.
Thoughts? Well, I’ll tell you even though you are not going to like it and I doubt you will listen. Your current relationship is hopeless and always was. It never should have existed in the first place…and it shows. There is rampant (dual-dual) infidelity here. Within just a few years BOTH you and your current-husband have EACH cheated TWICE…once each on your original-spouses and once each on your current-spouses. The immaturity, sleaziness, and shamelessness of it all makes a mockery of what a sacred commitment is ordained to be. This isn’t a marriage…it’s a Jerry Springer episode.
Get a divorce from your current husband and stay apart forever. Take some time to read, learn, counsel, and grow (up). Your best bet is almost always to return and build a NEW relationship with your ORIGINAL husband. [Yes, that means you need to swallow your stubborn pride which got you into this mess in the first place.] If he is remarried or won’t have anything to do with you, then please stay romantically single for a good long time so you don’t hurt anyone else or end up looking divorce #3 in the face a few years down the road. And…no matter what…don’t ever have an affair again!!!