Need help fast... - Marriage Builders® Forums

I need help fast. My wife has been having an emotional fair for about 6 months. After a heated argument back in July, she confessed that there was another man. He leaves out of state. They started talking through facebook as friends before it got more serious. She claims that they have only meet on 4 occassions and never in a sexual manner. Some back story before I get into my questions. We have been married for 7 years now. We have two boys 6 and 3. We met through work and I was the other guy at one point. She married very young and we met. She quickly divorced and we began our relationship. Dated and lived together for almost 3 years before we married. I was a college baseball coach which lead me to be away a bunch. This was the big dagger in our marriage. She said she felt alone and not appreciated until she started talking to the OM. We have been living in the same house for the last two months with the knowledge that she is talking to another man. She claims she is not leaving because of the kids but cannot bring herself to ask me to leave. Our families and most of our friends know about the affair. We have also been in marriage counseling for several months. She has remained firm that she is in love with him and sees her future with him. However, I have slighty started to pull away and not give her attention and she said last night that she doesn't want to give me false hope but wonders if she is doing the right thing having an affair. But she still wrote to him last night. I don't want to leave because of the boys but feel I can no longer give into her. I contacted a lawyer today. To find out my rights. Looking for any help possible in an last minute effort to save my marriage.
PLEASE HELP

Originally Posted by sunshine19

I need help fast. My wife has been having an emotional fair for about 6 months. After a heated argument back in July, she confessed that there was another man. He leaves out of state. They started talking through facebook as friends before it got more serious. She claims that they have only meet on 4 occassions and never in a sexual manner. Some back story before I get into my questions. We have been married for 7 years now. We have two boys 6 and 3. We met through work and I was the other guy at one point. She married very young and we met. She quickly divorced and we began our relationship. Dated and lived together for almost 3 years before we married. I was a college baseball coach which lead me to be away a bunch. This was the big dagger in our marriage. She said she felt alone and not appreciated until she started talking to the OM. We have been living in the same house for the last two months with the knowledge that she is talking to another man. She claims she is not leaving because of the kids but cannot bring herself to ask me to leave. Our families and most of our friends know about the affair. We have also been in marriage counseling for several months. She has remained firm that she is in love with him and sees her future with him. However, I have slighty started to pull away and not give her attention and she said last night that she doesn't want to give me false hope but wonders if she is doing the right thing having an affair. But she still wrote to him last night. I don't want to leave because of the boys but feel I can no longer give into her. I contacted a lawyer today. To find out my rights. Looking for any help possible in an last minute effort to save my marriage.
PLEASE HELP

She is cake-eating. She is getting her needs met by both of you. This needs to stop. Tell her that you will no longer accept a third party in your M. Tell her she needs to stop contacting OM TODAY, and needs to write a no-contact letter to him in order to save your M. If she refuses to do so, tell her she will need to leave.

She began waffling when you began pulling away because she needed to get you back to where you were supplying her whatever needs she gets from you. I suspect those are financial support and the stability that comes from being with her children. BTW, tell her that the kids will stay with YOU.

And YOU don't leave. SHE does.

Thanks maritalbliss for the advice. I did tell her several weeks ago what the affair was doing to me and our marriage and asked her to abstain from talking to him. Of course she has not and usually responds that she loves him and I don't understand how much in love they are. Eventhough they only talk on the phone or online.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

We met through work and I was the other guy at one point. She married very young and we met. She quickly divorced and we began our relationship.

Let me get this right just to clarify she started to see you while she was still married, then divorced and then moved in with you?

Sounds to me you have already known her cheating past, you knew when you met her, you knew when she moved in, and you knew when you married her.

Correct me if I am wrong?

Originally Posted by sunshine19

We met through work and I was the other guy at one point. She married very young and we met. She quickly divorced and we began our relationship.

I'm confused. Did she cheat on her ex-husband with you either emotionally or physically? Or did you discover your feelings after her divorce?

aBetterMe

Originally Posted by sunshine19

Thanks maritalbliss for the advice. I did tell her several weeks ago what the affair was doing to me and our marriage and asked her to abstain from talking to him. Of course she has not and usually responds that she loves him and I don't understand how much in love they are. Eventhough they only talk on the phone or online.

Unacceptable, sunshine. She is totally disrespecting you by trotting out these kinds of disgusting avowals of love for another man!

Tell her you will no longer live like this. Grow a set, sunshine. Get in the saddle and tell her to stop the A or GET OUT.

Yes that is correct. Like I said before. When we met she was married and I was the OM.

Yes aBetterMe she was with me both emotionally and physically. She has always told me he was very emotionally abusive to her and that it was going to end anyway.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

Yes that is correct. Like I said before. When we met she was married and I was the OM.

Then you knew you married a cheater and that you were an enabler. My suggestion is to read all you can here, expose the affair to everyone and attempt to get her on board with MB.

Good luck.

aBetterMe

Yes I knew a married a cheater. However, the stakes are alot higher for her now that there are two young children. How to I go about getting her on board to MB.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

Yes that is correct. Like I said before. When we met she was married and I was the OM.

S19, on this forum your situation is what is called an affairage. Your current marriage came out of the destruction of another marriage. Incidents of repeat adultery are very, very high in these relationships. Typically you will not get a lot of help saving that from many of the people here. Me included. I will not post on this thread again, however......

You should go directly to the Harleys as they will attempt to save affairages although even they admit there is a very, very low success rate.

Chrisner, I thank you for your honesty and thank you for the advice.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

We met through work and I was the other guy at one point.

This, sir, is what is termed an Affairage. It is a marriage that begins as an affair. Affairages are notoriously difficult to sustain as they start off with two selfish, untrustworthy people.

I'm sorry, but you picked a bad mate. You picked a woman who believes that Adultery is a valid option when the going gets rough. She doesn't believe in 'for better or worse'.

Saddly, neither do you. Your needs are more important than marriage - or you never would have messed around with a married woman.

You are living the consequences of your poor choices, sad thing is that your CHILDREN will suffer way more than you ever do.

Quote

She married very young and we met.

She was old enough to say I do - she wasn't too young.

Dumb - maybe, hence why she crawled into a relationship with you with a ring still on her finger.

But she was old enough to know right from wrong, and selfish enough to pick wrong. And so were you.

Quote

She quickly divorced and we began our relationship. Dated and lived together for almost 3 years before we married.

This was your second mistake.

Living together for marriage is a sure fire way to lower your chances at a happy marriage. That taken with your justification for an adulterous lifestyle and this is where you wind up - with a cheating wife.

Quote

I was a college baseball coach which lead me to be away a bunch. This was the big dagger in our marriage.

This may have helped, but your problems began WAY before the travel. The travel just provided the opportunity for the inevitable.

Quote

She said she felt alone and not appreciated until she started talking to the OM.

Doesn't matter why - she would have cheated on you eventually. That's what adulterers do. When things get bad, they go outside their marriage.

Quote

We have been living in the same house for the last two months with the knowledge that she is talking to another man. She claims she is not leaving because of the kids but cannot bring herself to ask me to leave.

Time to man up, take responsibility for your mistakes and stand up for your family. You are allowing an abusive adulteress to cake eat - and it is damaging to you and your children. You need to show her the door, my friend. You need to give her consequences for her bad behavior.

Quote

Our families and most of our friends know about the affair.

As they accepted YOU, despite the adulterous nature of your relationship with your wife, I imagine they won't be much help to you now. They accepted you then, they will probably accept OM in time. I don't think exposure is going to help you much. Which is unfortunate as that is the BEST tool to end an affair.

Quote

We have also been in marriage counseling for several months.

You are wasting your time and money. Marriage counselors can't save marriages with normal problems, they have no hope at saving an Affairage.

All you are doing is further enabling your wife.

Quote

She has remained firm that she is in love with him and sees her future with him.

Much as she saw you when she was 'very young'.

Right now your best bet is to make your wife look undesirable to the OM so HE can't see a future with HER. I'd expose him to his family and wife if he has one.

Quote

However, I have slighty started to pull away and not give her attention

This is the OPPOSITE of what you must do. If you want her to stay with you you have to CONVINCE her you can be a good husband, by being loving, attentive and striving to meet her needs.

Quote

and she said last night that she doesn't want to give me false hope but wonders if she is doing the right thing having an affair.

OMGosh...I'm sorry I can't help but laugh. THIS is the woman you married. The woman who WONDERS if having an affair is the right thing? Do you see how morally deficient she is??

Is an affair the right thing?

Seriously?

This is a question for her?

Quote

But she still wrote to him last night.

Your marriage will never survive as long as she is in contact with him.

Quote

I don't want to leave because of the boys but feel I can no longer give into her. I contacted a lawyer today. To find out my rights. Looking for any help possible in an last minute effort to save my marriage.
PLEASE HELP

Not many here will help an Affairage. You made your bed, now you get to lie in it.

However, I will give you this advice: if you want to save your marriage do a search of the forum for Plan A and Plan B. Those are the plans you need to follow if you want a chance. Expose and make your wife unattractive to OM. Call the Harley's - they'll give you the help you need.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

Yes I knew a married an cheater. adulteress and I am a adulterer However, the stakes are alot higher for her now that there are two young children. How to I go about getting her on board to MB.

Fixed that for you.

As for getting her on board, realize that you are starting off in a much worse position than most here. You need professional counseling from the Harleys.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

She has always told me he was very emotionally abusive to her and that it was going to end anyway.

A cheater is a liar. They lie.

You helped it end.

Regardless, this is not an acceptable justification for adultery.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

Yes aBetterMe she was with me both emotionally and physically. She has always told me he was very emotionally abusive to her and that it was going to end anyway.

Well...what do you think she is telling her current OM about you? Undoubtedly the same crap. That's what wayward wives do. Ditch this serial cheater and learn from your own past mistakes. Never...ever again insert yourself into somebody else's marriage. What you are experiencing right now is the big old Karma bus and it just flattened you....

Vibrissa

Thank you. I never thought of our marriage in that way (affairiage). and through this whole process have many times wondered if I was just getting what I deserved and probably am. However, I feel my boys need a loving mother and father. That is why I am reaching out for advice. I really appreciate your honesty.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

Yes aBetterMe she was with me both emotionally and physically. She has always told me he was very emotionally abusive to her and that it was going to end anyway.

This is typical wayward-speak. I wish I had a nickel for every wayward who told their lover that their H was abusive. And I'm glad I don't lose a nickel for every wayward who was nothing of the kind.

This will be a harder climb for you, sunshine. Your M began in deception. Your WW learned in her A with you that it was acceptable to check out of a commitment like marriage when something better came along. That better thing was you at the time. Now there's another better thing - the OM.

Dr Harley wrote a very good post a while back to another person's thread who was in a similar situation as yourself.

He said although he did try to help save marriages that started as an affair, it was very difficult and he had very little success at it. He outlines his theory of why this is. (If you want to read this, lmk and I will post it for you.)

Big picture, the affair she is in right now is a small part of a much larger problem that you are facing.

To be honest, while I am not interested in helping people who are in an affairage, I like to share Dr. Harley's post about the subject because I think people such as yourself should know what they are up against...

Other than that I don't have much help for you.

I think the problem you have right off the bat is that "she WONDERS if having an AFFAIR is the RIGHT thing"

Someone who has so little sense of right and wrong, and no moral compass is not going to suddenly gain insight into character and integrity.

Sadly, she has none. She is not good marriage material. She is probably not good mother material either if she's willing to teach your young children that this is appropriate behavior.

Yes I would love to read it. Thank you SusieQ

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley

oneoftwo:

I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.

While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.

I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.

I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.

There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.

But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.

I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.

The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.

While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

LINK

I understand we have big issues in our marriage because of how it began but now that we have two young children is staying in this marriage the best for the children?

Not unless she undergoes some MASSIVE changes in the way she approaches marriage....

Originally Posted by sunshine19

I understand we have big issues in our marriage because of how it began but now that we have two young children is staying in this marriage the best for the children?

You will set a better example for your children if you were to divorce this woman and show them that it is unacceptable to treat a spouse this way. Would you want one of your children to stay married to a serial cheater? Think long and hard about the lessons that you are teaching them....

Originally Posted by sunshine19

I understand we have big issues in our marriage because of how it began but now that we have two young children is staying in this marriage the best for the children?

Staying in a marriage with an emotionally abusive (read: cheating) spouse is not what is best for the children. I doubt very much that your WW will change. She will continually bounce from relationship to relationship. Only when she gets dumped first and is by herself will she possibly have the impetus to change. It doesn't mean she will. Your WW will probably remarry and divorce several more times in her life.

You need to learn your lesson, apologize to those YOU wronged, and then concentrate on being the best possible father to your children. Live your life in a better manor going forward and never enter into an adulterous relationship again (and don't marry someone who has shown a history of cheating). As for your marriage, I would kick her to the curb and hope she comes running back. If she does, you need to get her involved in marriage builders. However, I'm not holding my breath.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

I understand we have big issues in our marriage because of how it began but now that we have two young children is staying in this marriage the best for the children?

Building a healthy, happy marriage is what is best for the children. You need 2 people to achieve that.

You picked a very poor partner to achieve that. You can try to invite her to become a better mother and wife, but you can't force her. If she refuses and continues to pursue other men the best thing for your kids is to kick her out and retain custody of them and your home.

Based on your description of your wife, I doubt she will change. This is who she is.

You have a snowball's chance, it's a chance, but a small one.

Originally Posted by sunshine19

I understand we have big issues in our marriage because of how it began but now that we have two young children is staying in this marriage the best for the children?

I think you need to wipe the slate clean and start repairing your marriage and family by practicing extreme honesty. First, you need to be honest with each other in every instance. Your WW needs to be honest with her ex. She needs to call him or send him a letter to apologize for her horrific misdeeds that caused the death of their marriage. YOU need to call him or write him to apologize for your part in the affair.

Then the two of you need to talk to your children (age-appropriate language - I forget how old they are) and explain the genesis of your relationship; that you and your WW began your relationship inappropriately by having an A while she was married. Don't dress it up with things like "because my H at the time was an abuser, blah blah blah." Accept total responsibility for destroying the previous M because of your selfish desires. Children are usually pretty accepting and forgiving people. They understand that people screw up, and it will teach them that you are humans who own their mistakes. Don't worry about their loss of respect for you, although that may happen. Being totally honest is that important.

I would suggest this as a first step in building a strong, HONEST M.

Maritalbliss,

Took your advice over the weekend and called her ex-husband and apologized for my part. Turns out we had a very good conversation so much so he offer to lend an ear if I felt I needed to call again. My situation has not changed much in the last several days, actually it is starting to move toward seperation. I was looking for advice on one last thing, should I contact the OM and what do I say? Any suggestions from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Unfortunately in your situation your only option is the Harleys in my opinion.
I would hate to help WH and OW if they were to come on this forum for help on their "relationship" and find myself actually helping them.
I just have no pity for people who deliberately hurt others and have no ability to distinguish what is obviously right from wrong.
I know this sounds harsh, but pain and hitting rock bottom really are one of the best ways to wake up.
If you want to call OM I would tell him about your WW and how you met her.
blessing

sunshine - call the Harleys.

Vibrissa,

Does she need to be there for the phone call or should I do it myself. Also the OM is not married and has never been married.

I would talk to the Harleys first without her. She might be reluctant to get on board but they will give you tips on how to convince her.
Do not expect miracles.
blessing

Yes, call for yourself initially. They will guide you with where to go after that.

Thanks I scheduled an appointment. I don't know if it will help but its worth a try. We are actually going to marriage counseling today but I think WW is going to ask our therapist how we should go about telling the kids that we are seperating. Something I am not looking forward to, maybe the Harleys can help. I am running out of hope for my marriage.